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I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...
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Almost There
Posted 2009-11-03 11:45 AM (#4460765)
Subject: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Member

Posts: 30
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Sorry, I just feel the need to get this off my chest. At this point, I’m dangerously close to the hate line with my MIL. Little background. They’re very well off.  They take 8-10 vacations every year and live the retired life most people imagine which I think is fantastic. I found out I was pregnant in December. Of course, as with the last 2 children, this has put a kink in their vacation plans! They had one last motor home trip planned (before selling it) around my due date so they moved it up a couple of months. Well, one of her friend’s children then got engaged and set his wedding date to when they moved it – so they moved it back to my due date.  At first, it wasn’t that upsetting. She would say how she didn’t think they could be away for the birth and they would just come directly to our town (they live 5 hrs away from us) after the baby was born.

So I call and check in a couple of days before I give birth and they are across the country – fine. I was assuming they were making their way back towards us.  Then the day the baby is born, they’re sight seeing, then the next day and the next. About 10 days go by and they call my husband to let him know they’ll be home in 2 days and “of course it will take about 5 days to unpack.” I am FURIOUS at this point. Here I am, holding my sweet baby boy and they don’t care enough to come see him. Both my mother and father (they’re divorced) take off FROM WORK – using the few vacation days they have – to come and stay with us and help.  I no longer talk to her. I’m done. I am totally offended for my child’s sake. He is a person just like the other two kids they decided were important enough to see.

I wouldn’t have a problem if they weren’t in the situation they were in. If they worked and had limited days off, I would understand. Heck, even if they were retired but this was their one vacation in a while I wouldn’t be offended. They went on SIX cruises last year alone, to Mexico for 3 weeks straight, along with a few other miscellaneous trips. They’ve even been on the same exact trip they were on during the birth!  They finally got around to coming and staying in their vacation home (about 30 minutes away) when he was a month old. Now they are back and want to take the kids “individually.” Because they can’t keep up with more than one? No. It’s because AND I QUOTE “I want them to pay full attention to me.” Sorry, that’s not normal. So, hubby and I are going back and forth right now on what to do. I refuse to give up a weekend day with my kids. I work so my time is limited with them in the first place. Then again, getting them there during the week is more work that I’m willing to do for them either.

Okay….over reacting?

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kmcsunshine
Posted 2009-11-03 11:47 AM (#4460770 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Goat Giver

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Location: Between a rock and a hard place/livin on an island		Mine didn't come see my first child......we had to load up and drive 500 miles when he was less than a week old.......no baby gift, no Christmas gift that year either.  He's 20 now, and my FIL took him for $30,000 and my MIL jumped on him because the church he chooses to attend at college is too liberal in her esteemed opinion.  Don't expect it to get any better.  I crossed the line from strongly dislike to hate years ago..........
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Almost There
Posted 2009-11-03 11:54 AM (#4460794 - in reply to #4460770)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Member

Posts: 30
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kmcsunshine - 2009-11-03 11:47 AM

Mine didn't come see my first child......we had to load up and drive 500 miles when he was less than a week old.......no baby gift, no Christmas gift that year either.  He's 20 now, and my FIL took him for $30,000 and my MIL jumped on him because the church he chooses to attend at college is too liberal in her esteemed opinion.  Don't expect it to get any better.  I crossed the line from strongly dislike to hate years ago..........


I guess I need some pointers as to how to deal with them. I'm the type of person that 1. would TOTALLY tell them exactly what I think and 2. never be around them again. Well, I can't do that. They're not my parents. I have a hard time understanding why my husband just doesn't tell his parents how I feel -- or let me. If it were my mom, I'd say "this is nuts! What the heck are you thinking?!" But, no. And I have to be around these people on a regular basis?!?!
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Fun2Run
Posted 2009-11-03 11:55 AM (#4460798 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



A Barrel Of Monkeys

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Location: Texas		Yeah, with our third child, my inlaws didn't bother to come see her until her christening - which was when she was 9 weeks old. (They lived 2-1/2 hours away and were retired.) Oh well. They've been that way with all of my kids. Their daughter's kids? They were there for every little thing. Now that the kids are grown, guess which ones are the most attentive to them?  Mine.

Edited by Fun2Run 2009-11-03 11:56 AM
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KatyMay
Posted 2009-11-03 11:56 AM (#4460801 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Never eat yellow snow

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Location: Chuckle Nutt-ville!!!		Ok...first of all...I'm going to say I understand where you're coming from.

BUT...yes.  I think you're over-reacting.
The baby is special to you and your husband just like he should be and you love him very much. But that doesn't mean that the entire family needs to drop what they're doing.
I come from the other side of the fence.  I have a brother and sister and they both have children.
I love my nieces and nephew very much and love spending time with them.
But it makes me very angry when I'm expected to put them at the top of my list.  Because I don't.  They're not my children.  If I have plans, and I'm asked to babysit...sorry...I'm not going to re-arrange my life. Thats why I have a dog and not kids.

Sorry...not trying to be snarky at all with you...just being honest.
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kmcsunshine
Posted 2009-11-03 11:58 AM (#4460805 - in reply to #4460794)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Goat Giver

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Location: Between a rock and a hard place/livin on an island
Almost There - 2009-11-03 11:54 AM
kmcsunshine - 2009-11-03 11:47 AM

Mine didn't come see my first child......we had to load up and drive 500 miles when he was less than a week old.......no baby gift, no Christmas gift that year either.  He's 20 now, and my FIL took him for $30,000 and my MIL jumped on him because the church he chooses to attend at college is too liberal in her esteemed opinion.  Don't expect it to get any better.  I crossed the line from strongly dislike to hate years ago..........


I guess I need some pointers as to how to deal with them. I'm the type of person that 1. would TOTALLY tell them exactly what I think and 2. never be around them again. Well, I can't do that. They're not my parents. I have a hard time understanding why my husband just doesn't tell his parents how I feel -- or let me. If it were my mom, I'd say "this is nuts! What the heck are you thinking?!" But, no. And I have to be around these people on a regular basis?!?!

For the first 10 years of our marriage, I tried to fit in.....be nice.  The financial deal was the beginning of the end for me.  I no longer have contact with them.  Caller id is a wonderful thing.  Managed to get through  the funeral of my FIL's mother without talking to them.  The horse I lost earlier this year was the last straw.  FIL played a huge role in that.
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hwh
Posted 2009-11-03 11:58 AM (#4460809 - in reply to #4460770)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Did I really just type that?

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Location: Haslet, Texas		Take a breath, LOL.  Let them come see the baby on their own time.  It doesn't really matter, it's their loss.  I know you are proud and want to show the baby off but like I said, it's their loss and not yours.  Sounds like that baby will get plenty of lov'in and he won't even notice that's it's not your inlaws who are giving it to him.
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NitrousForce
Posted 2009-11-03 12:01 PM (#4460815 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



WOOO HOOO!

Posts: 1828
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Location: CA

Im sorry. =(  I dont like my "step" inlaws.

Actually I hope when I have kids, everyone leaves me alone. lol

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dirtfarmer
Posted 2009-11-03 12:01 PM (#4460817 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Expert

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Location: Eastern Washington		I would do nothing for them if they want to see the children I would leave all the driving and stuff up to them give them boundries and If they want to see them and follow all the rules then allow them to see them... Being a grandparent is not a when I feel like it situation I do not get to see my grandchildren because my stepsons mother is a loon and therefor If he let's us have to boys he will have to let her have them so we can have supervised vistitation with her parent's so we don't see them and they moved to california anyway and with a ranch, dogs,cats, and cattle and an outside job we can't just take off to go down there for visits like her parent's I would change alot if I were able so let them do the work sounds like they can afford it if it doesn't cramp there style to much....
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Stone Hill Ranch
Posted 2009-11-03 12:01 PM (#4460820 - in reply to #4460801)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...





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Location: AR
KatyMay - 2009-11-03 11:56 AM Ok...first of all...I'm going to say I understand where you're coming from.

BUT...yes.  I think you're over-reacting.
The baby is special to you and your husband just like he should be and you love him very much. But that doesn't mean that the entire family needs to drop what they're doing.
I come from the other side of the fence.  I have a brother and sister and they both have children.
I love my nieces and nephew very much and love spending time with them.
But it makes me very angry when I'm expected to put them at the top of my list.  Because I don't.  They're not my children.  If I have plans, and I'm asked to babysit...sorry...I'm not going to re-arrange my life. Thats why I have a dog and not kids.

Sorry...not trying to be snarky at all with you...just being honest.



I've gotta agree with KatyMay on this one!  I do see your side, but I also see the in-laws too.  They're enjoying their retirement and if that means taking 8-10 trips, whatever a year, so be it!  They've raised their own children, they don't have to raise their grandchildren too.....not being mean, I'm just saying!
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Haidalittle
Posted 2009-11-03 12:01 PM (#4460821 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Expert

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Location: West River - SoDak
Ok, if you hate her so much, shouldn't you be glad that she is not there and you don't have to deal with her??

Geez it would be my dream come true if my boyfriend's mother ignored me completely and left me alone.  I envy you.
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justcruzin
Posted 2009-11-03 12:07 PM (#4460839 - in reply to #4460821)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Voice of Reason

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Location: NOT at Wal Mart
Haidalittle - 2009-11-03 10:01 AM
Ok, if you hate her so much, shouldn't you be glad that she is not there and you don't have to deal with her??

Geez it would be my dream come true if my boyfriend's mother ignored me completely and left me alone.  I envy you.

 
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canturnmom
Posted 2009-11-03 12:09 PM (#4460845 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Everyone's Favorite Mom

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Location: Tennessee		How are we MIL's/Gramma"s suppose to know what's expected of us?  You're complaining because MIL isn't there!!  Not long ago somebody was on here complaining because MIL came too often or at the wrong times.......Now that I'm going to be a gramma soon, I'm confused......Wrong if I go, wrong if I don't!!   Strange it seems to be 99.9% of the time that it's the MIL that doesn't know what to do, the DIL's mother seems to always know exactly when to go and what to do when she gets there and when to leave even if it's a week later when the MIL is expected to leave after an hour.    I wonder why!!!

But let me say, I'm so sorry for you ladies that "hate" or "strongly dislike" your MIL......I didn't realize just how good my MIL was until after she was gone....I hope that doesn't happen to you and the others that dislike your's so much. I sure wish I could have had some time with mine after I matured enough to appreciate her.
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Almost There
Posted 2009-11-03 12:10 PM (#4460852 - in reply to #4460820)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Member

Posts: 30
25
StoneHillRanch - 2009-11-03 12:01 PM

KatyMay - 2009-11-03 11:56 AM Ok...first of all...I'm going to say I understand where you're coming from.

BUT...yes.  I think you're over-reacting.
The baby is special to you and your husband just like he should be and you love him very much. But that doesn't mean that the entire family needs to drop what they're doing.
I come from the other side of the fence.  I have a brother and sister and they both have children.
I love my nieces and nephew very much and love spending time with them.
But it makes me very angry when I'm expected to put them at the top of my list.  Because I don't.  They're not my children.  If I have plans, and I'm asked to babysit...sorry...I'm not going to re-arrange my life. Thats why I have a dog and not kids.

Sorry...not trying to be snarky at all with you...just being honest.



I've gotta agree with KatyMay on this one!  I do see your side, but I also see the in-laws too.  They're enjoying their retirement and if that means taking 8-10 trips, whatever a year, so be it!  They've raised their own children, they don't have to raise their grandchildren too.....not being mean, I'm just saying!

Um...who the heck is asking them to raise my kids? Talk about reading *a little* too much into the info presented. Heck, my husband's lucky he gets a say in raising my children!

Let me set some things straight. First, I don't need their help -- to babysit, financially, nothing. My husband and I have no family or even close friends close to us so we've gotten quite used to the fact that there is no convenient babysitter for us -- ever. Second, they want to spend lots of time with the kids. They bought a second HOUSE to be near them -- of course when it's convenient for them which is fine. I don't care if they spend a day with them -- I'm not asking anything of them. However, a birth of a grand child is a huge deal. Your child just had a child. Katy, no offense but you don't have kids so you can't understand. When I didn't have kids, I hated when people told me that but it's true. A child being born is the craziest miracle ever. My parents, and most peoples' parents, have 9 months to wonder what the child will look like, what it will feel like to hold him, etc. It's not some flippant thing that falls between vacations.
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rodeomom3
Posted 2009-11-03 12:10 PM (#4460855 - in reply to #4460821)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Elite Veteran

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Haidalittle - 2009-11-03 12:01 PM
Ok, if you hate her so much, shouldn't you be glad that she is not there and you don't have to deal with her??

Geez it would be my dream come true if my boyfriend's mother ignored me completely and left me alone.  I envy you.

Ditto to that!!!  When I had my third child ( third one in 3 years and third C-section) the day I was to leave the hospital my 26 year old sister in law had an appointment with a dermatologist to get a suspicious spot on her leg looked at.  Her mother, grandmother and 30 year old brother were going with her  (apt. was going to consist of maybe a biopsy but doc told her it would be minimal and she could "go play tennis" as soon as she left the office). My MIL calls me and asks me to get my mom to take me home from the hospital with the new baby  because my husband needed to be with his family while sister was "going through this" and I should expect him to be gone the whole day.
I do not go out of my way to do anything for her.  BTW, hubby spent the day with me and his 3 girls- MIL was furious.

Edited by rodeomom3 2009-11-03 12:12 PM
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Jaxon4
Posted 2009-11-03 12:11 PM (#4460858 - in reply to #4460801)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...


Expert

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KatyMay - 2009-11-03 10:56 AM Ok...first of all...I'm going to say I understand where you're coming from.

BUT...yes.  I think you're over-reacting.
The baby is special to you and your husband just like he should be and you love him very much. But that doesn't mean that the entire family needs to drop what they're doing.
I come from the other side of the fence.  I have a brother and sister and they both have children.
I love my nieces and nephew very much and love spending time with them.
But it makes me very angry when I'm expected to put them at the top of my list.  Because I don't.  They're not my children.  If I have plans, and I'm asked to babysit...sorry...I'm not going to re-arrange my life. Thats why I have a dog and not kids.

Sorry...not trying to be snarky at all with you...just being honest.

I agree with KatyMay on this one....I think I would take non existant in-laws than overbearing anyday.
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ana
Posted 2009-11-03 12:11 PM (#4460859 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



If you knew me you would want to be meBarrelHorseConnection

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Location: Utah		Yep, be glad you didn't have to deal with them, your little ones, your baby, your husband, your parents and having just had a baby all at one time.   I love my husband's parents because they are his parents but I really don't care to spend time with them.   I get very uptight when I know they are coming. 

Just a few questions, not meaning to hurt your feelings but something to think on.

Are you mad they didn't come because you wanted them to wait on you, ie take care of the other kids?
Are you mad because they should have been there to buy stuff that you needed?
Or are you just upset that they weren't there for their son and his new baby?

Hugs to you, hope you can come to some peace of mind where they are concerned,  Congratulations on the new little one.
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KatyMay
Posted 2009-11-03 12:19 PM (#4460887 - in reply to #4460852)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Never eat yellow snow

Posts: 30642
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Location: Chuckle Nutt-ville!!!
Almost There - 2009-11-03 12:10 PM
StoneHillRanch - 2009-11-03 12:01 PM

KatyMay - 2009-11-03 11:56 AM Ok...first of all...I'm going to say I understand where you're coming from.

BUT...yes.  I think you're over-reacting.
The baby is special to you and your husband just like he should be and you love him very much. But that doesn't mean that the entire family needs to drop what they're doing.
I come from the other side of the fence.  I have a brother and sister and they both have children.
I love my nieces and nephew very much and love spending time with them.
But it makes me very angry when I'm expected to put them at the top of my list.  Because I don't.  They're not my children.  If I have plans, and I'm asked to babysit...sorry...I'm not going to re-arrange my life. Thats why I have a dog and not kids.

Sorry...not trying to be snarky at all with you...just being honest.



I've gotta agree with KatyMay on this one!  I do see your side, but I also see the in-laws too.  They're enjoying their retirement and if that means taking 8-10 trips, whatever a year, so be it!  They've raised their own children, they don't have to raise their grandchildren too.....not being mean, I'm just saying!

Um...who the heck is asking them to raise my kids? Talk about reading *a little* too much into the info presented. Heck, my husband's lucky he gets a say in raising my children!

Let me set some things straight. First, I don't need their help -- to babysit, financially, nothing. My husband and I have no family or even close friends close to us so we've gotten quite used to the fact that there is no convenient babysitter for us -- ever. Second, they want to spend lots of time with the kids. They bought a second HOUSE to be near them -- of course when it's convenient for them which is fine. I don't care if they spend a day with them -- I'm not asking anything of them. However, a birth of a grand child is a huge deal. Your child just had a child. Katy, no offense but you don't have kids so you can't understand. When I didn't have kids, I hated when people told me that but it's true. A child being born is the craziest miracle ever. My parents, and most peoples' parents, have 9 months to wonder what the child will look like, what it will feel like to hold him, etc. It's not some flippant thing that falls between vacations.



Craziest miracle FOR YOU.  That's what I'm trying to say.  Go ahead and say I can't understand but I'm not trying to understand how wonderful it is to have children.
What I was trying to say is that just because it's the best thing happening in your life right now (as it should be) it's not the best thing happening to all of your family and friends.
I'm not trying to take away from how great it is or anything like that, I can just see the situation from the other side of the fence.  Even if I don't have children.
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KyMafia
Posted 2009-11-03 12:19 PM (#4460886 - in reply to #4460765)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



I Love Little People

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Location: In a van, down by the river		I can see where you are coming from. They moved their vacation plans back to your due date when someone was getting married...that would annoy me. Plus if my Dad wasn't there when I had a baby, I would feel like I was not important. I realize babies don't know who their grandparents are, I just think it's special for them to be there... grandparents are supposed to fuss over babies.. isn't that part of their job?

I would let them come to you when they decide too...they will in time. I know they are retired and want to live a fun life, but I think they can stop their plans just long enough to visit their grandchild. Good luck, don't be so hard on them, maybe they aren't aware that your feelings are hurt right now.
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kmcsunshine
Posted 2009-11-03 12:20 PM (#4460892 - in reply to #4460845)
Subject: RE: I hate (ok, strongly dislike) my mother in law...



Goat Giver

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Location: Between a rock and a hard place/livin on an island
canturnmom - 2009-11-03 12:09 PM How are we MIL's/Gramma"s suppose to know what's expected of us?  You're complaining because MIL isn't there!!  Not long ago somebody was on here complaining because MIL came too often or at the wrong times.......Now that I'm going to be a gramma soon, I'm confused......Wrong if I go, wrong if I don't!!   Strange it seems to be 99.9% of the time that it's the MIL that doesn't know what to do, the DIL's mother seems to always know exactly when to go and what to do when she gets there and when to leave even if it's a week later when the MIL is expected to leave after an hour.    I wonder why!!!

But let me say, I'm so sorry for you ladies that "hate" or "strongly dislike" your MIL......I didn't realize just how good my MIL was until after she was gone....I hope that doesn't happen to you and the others that dislike your's so much. I sure wish I could have had some time with mine after I matured enough to appreciate her.

I am glad you had a good one.......seeing the hurt in Kinsey's eyes when mine ignored her for the "favored" child, watching them totally abuse my husband and whatnot over the last 21 years is enough.  I tried, I quit.  I didn't even name my son what I wanted to because she sent me on a guilt trip about his name needing to start with a "K."
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