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Off topic....children (step)
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scwebster
Reg. Mar 2013
Posted 2017-03-20 8:27 AM (#7334334 - in reply to #7334195)
Subject: RE: Off topic....children (step)



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Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-18 10:31 PM
Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation.  I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing.  That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband.  My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August.  My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4.  My husband and I don't have children of our own either.  When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation.  I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife.  I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation.  Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure.  Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot.  After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet.  BEST DECISION EVER!!!!  Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls.  There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant.  Maybe even offer her a compliment.  I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom".  I knew my role clearly.  I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak.  Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour.  My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about.  I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad  word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.  



There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge.  It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point.  It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way.  Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with.  Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things.  If not, don't engage and just hit ignore. 



We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great.  We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me.  My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together?????  Yep, sure is.  We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world.  She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls.  In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters".  This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket.  It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night.  At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter.  I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same.  Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too.  I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!



So, yes, it is HARD!  Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed.  You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved.  But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life!  I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children.  I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do.  I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife.  She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women.       
Wonderful to read a response that shows there are families that make it work and everyone seems to be doing ok

I love this. I know a couple of situations like yours and their kids have the best of both worlds. It really is an amazing thing. These situations can work and be wonderful if all parents are willing. 
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Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2017-03-20 4:33 PM (#7334517 - in reply to #7334334)
Subject: RE: Off topic....children (step)



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scwebster - 2017-03-20 8:27 AM

Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-18 10:31 PM
Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation.  I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing.  That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband.  My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August.  My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4.  My husband and I don't have children of our own either.  When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation.  I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife.  I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation.  Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure.  Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot.  After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet.  BEST DECISION EVER!!!!  Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls.  There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant.  Maybe even offer her a compliment.  I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom".  I knew my role clearly.  I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak.  Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour.  My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about.  I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad  word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.  



There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge.  It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point.  It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way.  Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with.  Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things.  If not, don't engage and just hit ignore. 



We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great.  We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me.  My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together?????  Yep, sure is.  We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world.  She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls.  In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters".  This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket.  It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night.  At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter.  I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same.  Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too.  I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!



So, yes, it is HARD!  Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed.  You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved.  But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life!  I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children.  I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do.  I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife.  She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women.       
Wonderful to read a response that shows there are families that make it work and everyone seems to be doing ok

I love this. I know a couple of situations like yours and their kids have the best of both worlds. It really is an amazing thing. These situations can work and be wonderful if all parents are willing. 

I think that's amazing!!
That is definitely the best of both worlds.
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