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Way Off Topic....Divorce
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Zanadoo88
Reg. Sep 2010
Posted 2017-03-20 9:53 PM (#7334556)
Subject: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Extreme Veteran


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Hello all, So my husband has left me and is in the process of divorcing me. He says he is just done and we have been separated for about a year. I feel like I have turned myself inside out and nothing has worked to get him to come home or even entertain the idea of reconciliation. So I guess divorce is the direction we go even though I desperately do not want to do this. We have a young child together and it breaks my heart that this is happening to my family. I feel just as worked up today about it as I did the day he left. I guess I was just looking for input from people that have been divorced or are children of divorce on how to navigate all of this. We are still fairly young...still in our twenties. This is just not what I envisioned for myself or my family and it feels like it is going to kill me. How did you get through it? How can I help my child through this in the best way? Etc... Thank you.
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OhMax
Reg. Feb 2013
Posted 2017-03-20 9:57 PM (#7334557 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


Expert


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I can't help othe than to offer hugs. I have friends who have gone through it - with both young kids and teenagers.

Biggest thing I can say is to be civil, especially in the eyes of your child.
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Nita
Reg. Apr 2012
Posted 2017-03-20 10:01 PM (#7334558 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Expert


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I can't offer any advice, but sending comforting hugs and keeping you in my prayers.
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Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2017-03-20 10:15 PM (#7334560 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 33593
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No advice just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for you and your little girl/boy, hugs to you both
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memory
Reg. Aug 2008
Posted 2017-03-20 10:18 PM (#7334561 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Elite Veteran


Posts: 927
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It will be a difficult road but you will survive. Take one day at a time. Don't let guilt set in. Take some time for yourself to do some things that bring you happiness every day. Always take the high road and you will be rewarded in time.
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azsun
Reg. Jun 2006
Posted 2017-03-20 11:00 PM (#7334569 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


Military family
Porta Potty Pants


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You will get through it .. one day at a time. There's no way around it .. you just go through it and one day you'll realize it doesn't hurt as bad as it did the day before. Hugs to you.
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3TurnsonSpud
Reg. Apr 2005
Posted 2017-03-20 11:20 PM (#7334570 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Expert


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Location: SD
I kicked my 1st husband out and divorced him. Best thing I ever did. He was a psycho POS. I'm now remarried to a wonderful man. You will be fine and will find a wonderful man to love you.. Goodluck and I wish you the very best. 
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canchaser_412
Reg. Aug 2004
Posted 2017-03-21 4:02 AM (#7334578 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



John Deere Green


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I can just offer hugs and prayers... I have a few friends that have just encountered the same thing.
All I can see is be civil for the kid and never let the kid hear you say bad things about him.
my friends kid told his whole class his dad was a lying cheating fu***** pos :( not something you want to be repeated esp from your kid.
Just keep your head up and talk to someone if you need to:)
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TwistedK
Reg. May 2006
Posted 2017-03-21 7:05 AM (#7334584 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Bulls Eye


Posts: 6239
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Location: Oklahoma
I separated when my daughter was 8 months old. I officially left and refiled divorce when she was 18 months old. She is now 9. She hasn't seen him since she was 18 months old or had any contact. You can do it. It may not be the life you envisioned for you or your family, but when one door closes, another opens. Hugs and it is not easy and you will feel the rainbow of emotions. My best suggestion is to have a good group of friends, or other moms you can call on.
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hannahbug
Reg. Mar 2017
Posted 2017-03-21 7:46 AM (#7334595 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


Regular


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Divorce is far from the end of the world. You don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want you. The first time he walked out you probably should have filed. On again, off again, can't be dedicated is NOT what you teach a child relationships are about.

It sounds like you are clinging to an idea of what life should be like, as opposed to being honest about the life you actually have. You're going to have to get over that if you don't want to end up committed or a drunk.

Make sure you have a good lawyer. Don't fight over stuff. Stuff can always be replaced.

The court doesn't care about your feelings. They process thousands of cases a year. They want facts, and they want to close the case to move on to the next, because at the end of the day, the judge is tired of being at work and wants to go home too. You aren't special and won't get special treatment in the courtroom.

Take care of yourself. At 4 pm on Friday until 8 am Monday, nothing is getting done on the legal front, and you need to close your notebook and take the weekend to yourself. Play with the kiddo, or on the weekends she's gone remember what a bubble bath and a long uninterrupted phone call to a friend feels like. Remember to love yourself too.

I'm really sorry. I promise life is better on the other side as long as you hold on tight.
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TwistedK
Reg. May 2006
Posted 2017-03-21 7:50 AM (#7334598 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Bulls Eye


Posts: 6239
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Location: Oklahoma
as tempting as it may be... never talk ill of your ex around your child, even if they are in the other room. There are so many things I could say about my ex, but I've never said them in front of my daughter. All she knows is that he loves her even though she doesn't remember him. We've told her if she ever wants to pursue a relationship/meeting with him we will be there with her and support her no matter what.
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SloRide
Reg. Oct 2011
Posted 2017-03-21 8:03 AM (#7334602 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


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Someone said be civil. Yes, be civil at the very least. If you at some point even bring yourself to be friends and supportive of each other as parents that would be great for your child.

Easier said than done. My parents were divorced and they were horribly immature. Mostly my mother, not so much my father. She would say horrible things like how happy she would be when my dad died and how she would dance on his grave. I'm not saying you would do that, but stuff like that sticks in a kids mind. It's no fun feeling like you have to hate one parent to please the other.
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IRunOnFaith
Reg. Dec 2009
Posted 2017-03-21 8:13 AM (#7334604 - in reply to #7334598)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



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TwistedK - 2017-03-21 7:50 AM as tempting as it may be... never talk ill of your ex around your child, even if they are in the other room. There are so many things I could say about my ex, but I've never said them in front of my daughter. All she knows is that he loves her even though she doesn't remember him. We've told her if she ever wants to pursue a relationship/meeting with him we will be there with her and support her no matter what.

On that note don't forget that you will eventually find someone who is going to treat you and your child like royalty. On the other hand also remember that your child's father will find another partner as well and while it is very hard to think about it right now, Co-Parenting is the best thing you can do for your child. I encourage you to ask your attorney for the father to take a Co-Parenting class and I encourage you to do the same. You'll learn a lot and why it is beneficial to your child's development to have both sets of parents, whether single or who have new relationships to get along and to treat each other with respect. You can listen to it online, read it online, or sit through a class.
 I also encourage you to ask your attorney if it can be put into the paperwork that any new relationship your child's father strike up be ordered to take the same class. They will play a big role in helping you raise your child. It's hard, but it's necessary for the child to have stable homes. One bad girlfriend's, or bofriend's attitude toward the child's other parent and I promise it won't be fun for anyone. 

Now, with all that being said, hugs to you. Be civil. Be the bigger person and continue to love your child. One day you'll be sitting watching your child play and you'll smile and realize that you're actually happy. There won't be any big fanfare. No big celebration. No real reason why you're happy. You'll just find yourself in a peacefull state and you'll be content with life and love. What happens will happen and fighting or being sad or kicking yourself won't change a thing. 
Go have yourself a good cry. I'm talking take your child to daycare or someone and have yourself a good long ugly cry. Get it all out. One cry. That's all you get. After that you take yourself a nice hot shower and pull yourself together. You're strong. You got this. You'll get through this. The only thing holding you back now... Is you.
 It's time to focus on you for a bit. We're here for you and we are praying for you.
KEEP US POSTED. Pm me if you need another pep talk!  Us Ladies have to stick together and raise each other up! 
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want2chase3
Reg. May 2009
Posted 2017-03-21 9:20 AM (#7334625 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


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I'm sorry you are going thru this. My ex left me when our son was just 3 months old.. we have a daughter too, she was 3 at the time... I had no family around and very few friends. I was totally blown away and it felt like the end of my world! I pulled thru, after a rough several months... I learned I was better off without him and his lying cheating ways... I'm now remarried to the love of my life... my ex left us for another woman who turned out to be a total whack job.. I knew she was crazy from the get go... but he found out the hard way... they eventually split and he told me that was one of his biggest regrets in life! He's gone thru 4 more women... I kept my mouth shut around my kids but I had to tell him to quit shacking up with these women and dragging the kids into it. Hopefully this latest one will stick, she's moved in and my kids seem to like her. I agree with what others have said about not bashing their dad in front of them. That truly hurts the kids more than anything. Good luck and just hang in there, pray A LOT and surround yourself with people who love you and support you.
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rpreast
Reg. Nov 2015
Posted 2017-03-21 9:57 AM (#7334635 - in reply to #7334598)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



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TwistedK - 2017-03-21 6:50 AM

as tempting as it may be... never talk ill of your ex around your child, even if they are in the other room. There are so many things I could say about my ex, but I've never said them in front of my daughter. All she knows is that he loves her even though she doesn't remember him. We've told her if she ever wants to pursue a relationship/meeting with him we will be there with her and support her no matter what.

As a child of divorced parents, this is the absolute best advice. My parents both bad mouthed each other in front of me and it was so confusing for a little girl to hear. It made things so much harder than they needed to be.

Another thing I will add is even though you're going through so much stress and heartache, try not to take it out on your baby. My mom took a lot of her anger out on me (and still does sometimes) and it built up a lot of resentment.

Prayers for you during this difficult time
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MS2011
Reg. Mar 2005
Posted 2017-03-21 10:55 AM (#7334653 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Own It and Move On


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Location: TEXAS!!!
First of all, I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this. Mine came home randomly in Oct and told me the same thing.  He just wasn't happy, felt like we wanted different things...and on and on.  I was devestated, it was like my entire world crashed.  Everything I'd been focusing on was centered around him.  He decided that he did want to try to work things out.......and then Dec 29 I busted him with a 20 yo girl that he'd been with for about a year (he's 40).   I had a few friends try to tell me Oct that he was most likely cheating, but I just couldn't believe he'd ever do that.  The 2nd time - it was pretty simple to be done with him and toss him out.  It's the not knowing what you could've done differently or do better to make them happy that's impossible.  You need to suck it up and be strong for your kid.  You need to get a bit mad to protect yourself.  Be civil and never badmouth him in front of your child, but be done with him.  There's far worse things than being alone, it's scary at first.....but ever so much better in the long run.  Just take it one day at a time.  Don't try to plan too far and get overwhelmed.  

Edited by MS2011 2017-03-21 10:59 AM
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Mzbradford
Reg. Jun 2015
Posted 2017-03-21 1:07 PM (#7334696 - in reply to #7334635)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce




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rpreast - 2017-03-21 9:57 AM

TwistedK - 2017-03-21 6:50 AM

as tempting as it may be... never talk ill of your ex around your child, even if they are in the other room. There are so many things I could say about my ex, but I've never said them in front of my daughter. All she knows is that he loves her even though she doesn't remember him. We've told her if she ever wants to pursue a relationship/meeting with him we will be there with her and support her no matter what.

As a child of divorced parents, this is the absolute best advice. My parents both bad mouthed each other in front of me and it was so confusing for a little girl to hear. It made things so much harder than they needed to be.

Another thing I will add is even though you're going through so much stress and heartache, try not to take it out on your baby. My mom took a lot of her anger out on me (and still does sometimes) and it built up a lot of resentment.

Prayers for you during this difficult time

My parents also divorced when I was 3 years old. It is not the end of the world, while it feels like it is now. If my parents had stayed together, then my life would be 100x different. It would have been the worst thing honestly. That may not be your situation, but you have to focus on making your child's life the best it can be. Do not talk ill or fight about the ex in front of your child- EVER. Do not talk ill about the new step mom or the exes family either. Be civil and work with him as much as you can.
Be prepared with hard times/conversations with your child. I would wait at the window for my dad to come get me when I was littler. But after he remarried and things changed, I HATED going over there. It was very hard. On the other side, however, my mom also go remarried. I did not get along well with my step dad, and still don't as an adult. You just will have to try to navigate these things to come in a civil way, and keep the best interests of your kid in your mind. I hope things go smoothly for you, and that your ex will be civil and try to make this better for your kid as well. Hugs.
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TwistedK
Reg. May 2006
Posted 2017-03-21 1:19 PM (#7334704 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce



Bulls Eye


Posts: 6239
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Location: Oklahoma
I still have the wedding dress I wore when I married my ex as well as our wedding albums. Those will be my daughter's and she knows this. She has 2 half siblings I have had to tell her about. One was born while we were still trying to finalize our divorce. He and that mom are not together and he is now married to a girl that is 11 years younger than him and they have a child. Has it been easy? Hell no. His wife has messaged me on facebook saying I'm a horrible person and that they are going to try and get joint custody etc. I tell them to file the court date. She claims I made up everything in my divorce decree to make him look like a horrible person. They both claim I've kept my daughter from them, yet in reality he is to have zero contact unless he can prove anger management and alcohol counseling. I upped and moved 2000 miles in the middle of my divorce to have family near by. Once home I started hanging out with someone I knew from high school. We hadn't been friends but had mutual friends. He was my rock and was present when my ex used to call me in drunken rages demanding to talk to our daughter. I wasn't looking for love or a relationship, yet this person and I are now happily married and have a 6 month old. My daughter calls him dad and we are trying to get her name changed until we can file the step parent adoption. In this story.... I guess there is always a plan and something out there. It may not seem like it, but like others have said...you need to learn to love yourself. It will be tough as a single parent, but cherish your child and try your best to co-parent if he has a good relationship with your child. Take co-parenting classes.
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wyoming barrel racer
Reg. Apr 2006
Posted 2017-03-21 1:41 PM (#7334711 - in reply to #7334556)
Subject: RE: Way Off Topic....Divorce


Military family

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My best friend divorced with a young daughter. Their marriage was toxic. Funny thing is, once the initial shock of the divorce wore off-no fighting over things etc, they are very good friends. Both are remarried and they share their daughter and get along really well. Very healthy divorce and was better for both of them. 
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