Folks on-line
'
1
Forums Albums Skins 1
Search Register Logon


You are logged in as a guest. Logon or register an account to access more features.
OTHER FORUMS:    Horse Trailers  -   Trucks   -   Cutting  -   Reining  -   Roping 
'
OT....input on stealing kids
Moderators: luluwhit, gotothewhip, crossspur, ForumAdmin

Jump to page : 1
Now viewing page 1 [20 messages per page]
Last activity 2019-02-11 10:33 PM
16 replies, 1226 views

View previous thread :: View next thread
   General Discussion -> Barrel Talk
Refresh
Message format
 
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 12:13 AM (#7421769)
Subject: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
So Ive posted on here before, I have a stepdaughter, who if we are lucky spends every other weekend at our house. She's 10 so her busy schedule keeps her away or her weekends here short.
I personally have felt like Ive been (tried to be) a good step mom. She has everything she needs here and knows she can talk to me about anything if she wants.
Ive always told her if she has something going on with school or extra activities on our weekends to please let us know, that I don't want her to feel like shes missing out on something bc she is at her Dads. I want her to want to come. And so far she has.
She has never really made me think I cant trust, if shes in her room I don't peek in on her much and I have never had to go through her things here. She has made the comment her siblings go through her room at her house when shes here. I have 2 toddlers that I do not let invade her space, she deserves that.
So we've had a couple/several minor incidents in the last couple years with lets just say her arts and crafts, she is a very unmotivated girl, its hard to get her to start and finish something, but she likes to doodle, so that's what we get her a lot for birthday and xmas. anyway a few things have ended up in places or on places they shouldn't be and then hid. The hiding thing really bothers me as I have never yelled at her for this, but have repeatedly ask her if this happens to tell me as the quicker I know, the easier it is to get it cleaned up. (Most not all of these incidents seem to happen when she has cousins over, but I know shes capable of this on her own as I had nail polish all over a brand new bathroom because she wanted to dye some hair accessories with it). Anyway, after last weekend with an afternoon with a cousin over, i find a brand new Barbie under the sink (hidden) with pen ink all over her.....this really irritates me as I spend hard earned money on nice things for her and this is what I find. So I told my husband im done asking/saying anything to her, shes 10, and a smart girl at that. She knows what shes doing, and she knows whats wrong and right. And I hate to know how many times Ive asked nicely and calmly to tell me.
So I decide instead Ill just have to take the ink pens away as well as markers. If she wants them back shell ask, right?
So for the first time in 10 years im going through her things, finding all the pens/markers/etc. that are permanent. I left colored pencils, crayons, etc.
I don't know what possessed me to look in a box she had jewelry in but I opened it and lifted a couple compartments to find at the bottom (hidden) some rings. I look closer and recognize these, it is my moms wedding bands along with 2 other rings that are hers. My heart drops.....my mom means the world to me, and someday these wedding rings were/are going to be mine as I am the only girl with 3 brothers. My mom doesn't wear them much anymore as they fit tight but I know they came from her box.....
My mom said she wore them a few months ago but hasn't worn them for some time.....my step daughter has been over to my folks maybe 3 times since this summer, so she took them within the last 6 months.
SD hasn't been here for a week and doesn't come again until the end of this week, she has no idea what I found.
So as guilty as I feel for going through her things, Im silently thanking God she marked all over that Barbie so I would go through them. Id of never found these rings otherwise, and if shed taken them home with her, me nor my mom would have never of known.


Edited by Peewee212 2019-02-11 12:17 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
blccwgl55
Reg. Dec 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 5:34 AM (#7421770 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Expert


Posts: 1243
100010010025
That sounds tough and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. It's good you want to address it. I think maybe you should let dad be the "bad guy" and sit her down and have a talk with her on what HE found. I think she'll feel attacked if you ask her about it especially since the rings mean a lot to you, and understandably so.

I've had step parents almost my whole life and from the kids' view I think things are better perceived from the parent. Certain instances when my step mom tried to discipline me as a kid or talk to me about important things; it just made it worse. This is a sensitive matter and of course an issue you want to nip in the bud so I just think this is a job for dad! Maybe your back up required in the sense that you come in later and take her apology. Just my opinion!
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
rodeomom3
Reg. Dec 2007
Posted 2019-02-11 6:18 AM (#7421772 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Shelter Dog Lover


Posts: 10244
5000500010010025
I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol


Edited by rodeomom3 2019-02-11 6:21 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 8:26 AM (#7421791 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
Oh, i have every intention of letting Dad handle it, never crossed my mind to do it myself.
But do want to be in earshot of the conversation.
She has lost my trust completely and honeslty dont know how she can ever get it back. But i also believe of she took things from my moms, shes taken things from us as well as my husbands mom as well. And if she can do in the 48 hrs shes here, shes doing it there too. No doubt in my mind its a 2 household prob...and i think her mom needs to be made aware of it as well.
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 8:36 AM (#7421794 - in reply to #7421772)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM

I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol

Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by.
But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds.
Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.


Edited by Peewee212 2019-02-11 8:43 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
BamaCanChaser
Reg. Nov 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 9:06 AM (#7421801 - in reply to #7421794)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Expert


Posts: 2074
20002525
Location: Deep South
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM

rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM

I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol

Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by.
But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds.
Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.

I know you're shocked and disappointed and feel that you can't trust her. All of those emotions are justified.

Just a different perspective though.... I stole a necklace from a girl in my class when I was 8 years old. I couldn't tell you why I did it. I had plenty of necklaces of my own, my mom probably would have bought me that one if I had asked for it. We were a well off middle class family. And I definitely knew that it was wrong.

Alas, kids do dumb sh*$.

About a year later I still felt guilty about the necklace and confessed to my mom. She so graciously did not make a huge deal over it. She didn't blow up or get mad. But she did make me write a letter to the girl and return it.

I was so embarrassed and have never stolen another thing in 20 years since.

I'm just glad my mom didn't jump to the conclusion that I was like a cleptomaniac or something. She gave me the benefit of the doubt for a first time offense. And it made it so much easier to come to her the next time with something else.
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
rodeomom3
Reg. Dec 2007
Posted 2019-02-11 9:16 AM (#7421805 - in reply to #7421794)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Shelter Dog Lover


Posts: 10244
5000500010010025
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol
Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by. But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds. Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.
I hope she can earn it back.  I have never been a step parent but have raised 4 kids.  Other step parents can better address this but I have the perspective of she did not ask to be a step child, she did not ask to have her father create another family that she is not part of on a daily basis.  That said, she is not allowed to behave poorly and steal  things but I think you still need to try and make her feel like part of the family.   If she were your biological child I don’t think you would be saying this is not fair to my other children, you would be saying we need to get this fixed as a family because she is part of it, it is her home too. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems you are viewing her as an outsider and that it is not her home.  I can imagine there may be all kinds of other forces at play, relationship between the ex’s, how bio mom frames you and her ex, etc, it is a tough situation and the kids seem to pay for it.  I don’t know if she is acting out because of this, regardless, it is not acceptable and there should be consequences.  All you can do is be the best you can be for her.  Biological kids steal and lie too. I never had a problem with any of mine stealing but #4 used to lie ALL the time. Good luck. 

Edited by rodeomom3 2019-02-11 10:04 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 10:11 AM (#7421824 - in reply to #7421805)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 9:16 AM

Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol
Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by. But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds. Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.
I hope she can earn it back.  I have never been a step parent but have raised 4 kids.  Other step parents can better address this but I have the perspective of she did not ask to be a step child, she did not ask to have her father create another family that she is not part of on a daily basis.  That said, she is not allowed to behave poorly and steal  things but I think you still need to try and make her feel like part of the family.   If she were your biological child I don’t think you would be saying this is not fair to my other children, you would be saying we need to get this fixed as a family because she is part of it, it is her home too. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems you are viewing her as an outsider and that it is not her home.  I can imagine there are all kind of other forces at play, relationship between the ex’s, how bio mom frames you and her ex, etc, it is a tough situation and the kids seem to pay for it.  I don’t know if she is acting out because of this, regardless, it is not acceptable and there should be consequences.  All you can do is be the best you can be for her.  Biological kids steal and lie too. I never had a problem with any of mine stealing but #4 used to lie ALL the time. Good luck. 

Our situation is alittle different.....i have never tried to look at her as an outsider but yesterday i did. I know my own kids may pull something similar or even worse, difference being i get to dicipline/talk to them about it myself along with my husband as soon as we find it. Not 2 wks later and i dont have to put it all on my husband. Im sure my own husband is more upset as it was my mom she took from, someone who has always treated her like a grandkid.
And not that you need all the details but my husband dated her mom 11 years ago for approximately 6 months and the result of that relationship is her. And she was intentional her mom will tell you so, my husband had no intentions of making a kid but onviously wasnt doing his part in preventing, but doesnt really matter at this point theres a child here that i believe needs all 4 of us. So i dont thing she prob has ever heard the word ex used. Ive been with her dad since she was 2 months old. So ive never looked at it as my husband made a whole other family with me. We had out first 2 years ago. After 7 years of marriage, 10 years of being together. She has never known her biological parents to be together as they werent. So i doubt she looks at us that way, especially after her mom married and had a child right away. Shes been a sister for at least 5-6 yrs? My oldest is 2.
And like you, as a step mom i have always tried to look at it from her view, she didnt ask for this. Its not her fault her parents chose to be irresponsible and as a result she has to be rocked back and forth, thats why ive always tried to make the best of the situation but as the step mom i only have so much control. Isnt it funny though im judged for treating her different or thinking of her different compared to my kids that i live with and gave birth to. Yet as a stepmom im expected to sit back and say nothing at let dad handle it bc hes her dad.
I knew it was going to he a hard job being a stepmom, and needed some words of wisdom from moms who have had all kinds of experiences thats why i came here.

Edited by Peewee212 2019-02-11 10:25 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
rodeomom3
Reg. Dec 2007
Posted 2019-02-11 10:31 AM (#7421829 - in reply to #7421824)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Shelter Dog Lover


Posts: 10244
5000500010010025
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 10:11 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 9:16 AM
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol
Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by. But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds. Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.
I hope she can earn it back.  I have never been a step parent but have raised 4 kids.  Other step parents can better address this but I have the perspective of she did not ask to be a step child, she did not ask to have her father create another family that she is not part of on a daily basis.  That said, she is not allowed to behave poorly and steal  things but I think you still need to try and make her feel like part of the family.   If she were your biological child I don’t think you would be saying this is not fair to my other children, you would be saying we need to get this fixed as a family because she is part of it, it is her home too. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems you are viewing her as an outsider and that it is not her home.  I can imagine there are all kind of other forces at play, relationship between the ex’s, how bio mom frames you and her ex, etc, it is a tough situation and the kids seem to pay for it.  I don’t know if she is acting out because of this, regardless, it is not acceptable and there should be consequences.  All you can do is be the best you can be for her.  Biological kids steal and lie too. I never had a problem with any of mine stealing but #4 used to lie ALL the time. Good luck. 
Our situation is alittle different.....i have never tried to look at her as an outsider but yesterday i did. I know my own kids may pull something similar or even worse, difference being i get to dicipline/talk to them about it myself along with my husband as soon as we find it. Not 2 wks later and i dont have to put it all on my husband. Im sure my own husband is more upset as it was my mom she took from, someone who has always treated her like a grandkid. And not that you need all the details but my husband dated her mom 11 years ago for approximately 6 months and the result of that relationship is her. And she was intentional her mom will tell you so, my husband had no intentions of making a kids but onviously wasnt doing his part in preventing, but doesnt really matter at this point theres a child here that i believe needs all 4 of us. So i dont thing she prob has ever heard the word ex used. Ive been with her dad since she was 2 months old. So ive never looked at it as my husband made a whole other family with me. We had out first 2 years ago. After 7 years of marriage, 10 years of being together. She has never known her biological parents to be together as they werent. So i doubt she looks at us that way, especially after her mom married and had a child right away. Shes been a sister for at least 5-6 yrs? My oldest is 2. And like you, as a step mom i have always tried to look at it from her view, she didnt ask for this. Its not her fault her parents chose to be irresponsible and as a result she has to be rocked back and forth, thats why ive always tried to make the best of the situation but as the step mom i only have so much control. Isnt it funny though im judged for treating her different or thinking of her different compared to my kids that i live with and gave birth to. Yet as a stepmom im expected to sit back and say nothing at let dad handle it bc hes her dad. I knew it was going to he a hard job being a stepmom, and needed some words of wisdom from moms who have had all kinds of experiences thats why i came here.
Good point about saying let her dad handle it but don’t treat her different than your kids, you are right, my apologies..  You should be able to discipline her, I would avoid phrases such as “in this house”, etc.  I would try to approach it neutrally, “as the adult it is my job to be in charge, help raise you right, we don’t take things and because you did these are the consequences.” 

Edited by rodeomom3 2019-02-11 10:49 AM
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Southtxponygirl
Reg. Nov 2006
Posted 2019-02-11 10:46 AM (#7421833 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



A Somebody to Everybody


Posts: 37336
5000500050005000500050005000200010010010025
Location: *TEXAS of Course*
Oh my goodness glad to read this is not about stealing someones kids, happy that the title is not what I thought it was going to be about, lol..
OP you need to change your title to Children that steal from others.. 
 
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
blccwgl55
Reg. Dec 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 11:36 AM (#7421852 - in reply to #7421824)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Expert


Posts: 1243
100010010025
Sorry I hope you weren't feeling judged from my comment! I can't imagine being a step parent; I only know how I felt as a step child so I thought I would add some insight to that. I'm sure your job is tough and I know it's a tough place to be in!
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 12:19 PM (#7421860 - in reply to #7421829)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 10:31 AM

Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 10:11 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 9:16 AM
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 

From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol
Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by. But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds. Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.
I hope she can earn it back.  I have never been a step parent but have raised 4 kids.  Other step parents can better address this but I have the perspective of she did not ask to be a step child, she did not ask to have her father create another family that she is not part of on a daily basis.  That said, she is not allowed to behave poorly and steal  things but I think you still need to try and make her feel like part of the family.   If she were your biological child I don’t think you would be saying this is not fair to my other children, you would be saying we need to get this fixed as a family because she is part of it, it is her home too. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems you are viewing her as an outsider and that it is not her home.  I can imagine there are all kind of other forces at play, relationship between the ex’s, how bio mom frames you and her ex, etc, it is a tough situation and the kids seem to pay for it.  I don’t know if she is acting out because of this, regardless, it is not acceptable and there should be consequences.  All you can do is be the best you can be for her.  Biological kids steal and lie too. I never had a problem with any of mine stealing but #4 used to lie ALL the time. Good luck. 
Our situation is alittle different.....i have never tried to look at her as an outsider but yesterday i did. I know my own kids may pull something similar or even worse, difference being i get to dicipline/talk to them about it myself along with my husband as soon as we find it. Not 2 wks later and i dont have to put it all on my husband. Im sure my own husband is more upset as it was my mom she took from, someone who has always treated her like a grandkid. And not that you need all the details but my husband dated her mom 11 years ago for approximately 6 months and the result of that relationship is her. And she was intentional her mom will tell you so, my husband had no intentions of making a kids but onviously wasnt doing his part in preventing, but doesnt really matter at this point theres a child here that i believe needs all 4 of us. So i dont thing she prob has ever heard the word ex used. Ive been with her dad since she was 2 months old. So ive never looked at it as my husband made a whole other family with me. We had out first 2 years ago. After 7 years of marriage, 10 years of being together. She has never known her biological parents to be together as they werent. So i doubt she looks at us that way, especially after her mom married and had a child right away. Shes been a sister for at least 5-6 yrs? My oldest is 2. And like you, as a step mom i have always tried to look at it from her view, she didnt ask for this. Its not her fault her parents chose to be irresponsible and as a result she has to be rocked back and forth, thats why ive always tried to make the best of the situation but as the step mom i only have so much control. Isnt it funny though im judged for treating her different or thinking of her different compared to my kids that i live with and gave birth to. Yet as a stepmom im expected to sit back and say nothing at let dad handle it bc hes her dad. I knew it was going to he a hard job being a stepmom, and needed some words of wisdom from moms who have had all kinds of experiences thats why i came here.
Good point about saying let her dad handle it but don’t treat her different than your kids, you are right, my apologies..  You should be able to discipline her, I would avoid phrases such as “in this house”, etc.  I would try to approach it neutrally, “as the adult it is my job to be in charge, help raise you right, we don’t take things and because you did these are the consequences.” 

No need to apologize. I understand what you meant/mean and I appreciate your input. Im not much of a poster and read a lot more than I post, but have always thought you have a good perspective on both horse and OT subjects. Thank you for that!!

No offense taken blccwgl55, you would know first hand beings you were a step child as well.

In a way I feel like I judge myself too. They say you should treat all the children in your house the same, love them the same, etc. But as a mom who was a stepmom for almost 10 years before I became a mom to children I made and gave birth too. As much as I would like to tell you, you feel the same about them, if you want me to be honest, you don't. Its just different when you are the "mom" vs "stepmom" and I have never tried to be her mom, she has one, but I am someone she has to respect and is viewed as the "mom" in our house. She will always get treated fair and as similar as possible, but its not the same when you live at one house and visit another 2 days twice a month. As hard as we try to make it home, its not going to be the same, we don't follow the same lifestyle, values as the other household and how could we, there is no family exactly alike. My goal is to keep her happy, but she has to follow our rules as well, stealing is not tolerated. But tell me how easy it is to enforce something in 48 hours, because she lives primarily at her moms, she knows shes in trouble for 2 days and gets to go back and not be in trouble and then dread coming back for how long?!
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
rodeomom3
Reg. Dec 2007
Posted 2019-02-11 1:41 PM (#7421889 - in reply to #7421860)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Shelter Dog Lover


Posts: 10244
5000500010010025
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 12:19 PM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 10:31 AM
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 10:11 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 9:16 AM
Peewee212 - 2019-02-11 8:36 AM
rodeomom3 - 2019-02-11 6:18 AM I agree with the above poster of letting her dad have he conversation.   I am old school, my youngest is 26, I went through my kids stuff without hesitation if I felt the need.   They did not have privacy or rights til they were mature enough to earn them and then it was on my terms. 



From your title I thought this was going to be about people stealing kids,lol
Are they ever mature enough to earn it? I dont believe i will be able to trust thats shes making the right decision now. Im completely shocked and so so disappointed and dont think shell get my trust back before she graduates high school?! I just never expected this from her but maybe i should have been more aware as a stepmom who sees her every other wkend, she spends most of her time in her room i believd just waiting for the time to go by. But now i feel like our stuff here has to be accounted for and locked up. I shouldnt have to feel this way in my own home....my toddlers shouldnt have to grow up checking their stuff either. She just really messed up. Bad enough if will be hard to welcome her into my home as terrible as that sounds. Still so thankful she kept them here if shed taken them home id never of found them.
I hope she can earn it back.  I have never been a step parent but have raised 4 kids.  Other step parents can better address this but I have the perspective of she did not ask to be a step child, she did not ask to have her father create another family that she is not part of on a daily basis.  That said, she is not allowed to behave poorly and steal  things but I think you still need to try and make her feel like part of the family.   If she were your biological child I don’t think you would be saying this is not fair to my other children, you would be saying we need to get this fixed as a family because she is part of it, it is her home too. I don’t mean to sound harsh but it seems you are viewing her as an outsider and that it is not her home.  I can imagine there are all kind of other forces at play, relationship between the ex’s, how bio mom frames you and her ex, etc, it is a tough situation and the kids seem to pay for it.  I don’t know if she is acting out because of this, regardless, it is not acceptable and there should be consequences.  All you can do is be the best you can be for her.  Biological kids steal and lie too. I never had a problem with any of mine stealing but #4 used to lie ALL the time. Good luck. 
Our situation is alittle different.....i have never tried to look at her as an outsider but yesterday i did. I know my own kids may pull something similar or even worse, difference being i get to dicipline/talk to them about it myself along with my husband as soon as we find it. Not 2 wks later and i dont have to put it all on my husband. Im sure my own husband is more upset as it was my mom she took from, someone who has always treated her like a grandkid. And not that you need all the details but my husband dated her mom 11 years ago for approximately 6 months and the result of that relationship is her. And she was intentional her mom will tell you so, my husband had no intentions of making a kids but onviously wasnt doing his part in preventing, but doesnt really matter at this point theres a child here that i believe needs all 4 of us. So i dont thing she prob has ever heard the word ex used. Ive been with her dad since she was 2 months old. So ive never looked at it as my husband made a whole other family with me. We had out first 2 years ago. After 7 years of marriage, 10 years of being together. She has never known her biological parents to be together as they werent. So i doubt she looks at us that way, especially after her mom married and had a child right away. Shes been a sister for at least 5-6 yrs? My oldest is 2. And like you, as a step mom i have always tried to look at it from her view, she didnt ask for this. Its not her fault her parents chose to be irresponsible and as a result she has to be rocked back and forth, thats why ive always tried to make the best of the situation but as the step mom i only have so much control. Isnt it funny though im judged for treating her different or thinking of her different compared to my kids that i live with and gave birth to. Yet as a stepmom im expected to sit back and say nothing at let dad handle it bc hes her dad. I knew it was going to he a hard job being a stepmom, and needed some words of wisdom from moms who have had all kinds of experiences thats why i came here.
Good point about saying let her dad handle it but don’t treat her different than your kids, you are right, my apologies..  You should be able to discipline her, I would avoid phrases such as “in this house”, etc.  I would try to approach it neutrally, “as the adult it is my job to be in charge, help raise you right, we don’t take things and because you did these are the consequences.” 
No need to apologize. I understand what you meant/mean and I appreciate your input. Im not much of a poster and read a lot more than I post, but have always thought you have a good perspective on both horse and OT subjects. Thank you for that!! No offense taken blccwgl55, you would know first hand beings you were a step child as well. In a way I feel like I judge myself too. They say you should treat all the children in your house the same, love them the same, etc. But as a mom who was a stepmom for almost 10 years before I became a mom to children I made and gave birth too. As much as I would like to tell you, you feel the same about them, if you want me to be honest, you don't. Its just different when you are the "mom" vs "stepmom" and I have never tried to be her mom, she has one, but I am someone she has to respect and is viewed as the "mom" in our house. She will always get treated fair and as similar as possible, but its not the same when you live at one house and visit another 2 days twice a month. As hard as we try to make it home, its not going to be the same, we don't follow the same lifestyle, values as the other household and how could we, there is no family exactly alike. My goal is to keep her happy, but she has to follow our rules as well, stealing is not tolerated. But tell me how easy it is to enforce something in 48 hours, because she lives primarily at her moms, she knows shes in trouble for 2 days and gets to go back and not be in trouble and then dread coming back for how long?!

I get it. Unless biomom is willing to follow thru at her house with consequences it is almost a no win situation.   I agree she needs to respect you and follow your rules.  
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
want2chase3
Reg. May 2009
Posted 2019-02-11 2:13 PM (#7421901 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Warrior Mom


Posts: 2396
2000100100100252525
I dont envy you being in this situation. I am a step mom to a now 18yr old girl, when her dad and I started dating she was only 9 and really made my life challenging! I'm so glad shes older now and just within the last ohhh 4 years it's gotten really good and enjoyable, finally. Dont get me wrong we had plenty of fun good times too but it just took a while for her to realize I wasnt going anywhere and that i truly meant it when i say i love you! If i were you, i think I'd let dad know and let him confront her but you should be there and ready to offer help or input, shes got to see that you and her dad are a joint force. Not sure what your relationship is like with her mom, me and my stepdaughters mom have absolutely nothing to say to one another other than hello.. just the way it is. Shes probably going to flip out and lots of crying.. but she needs to know what shes been doing isnt going to fly and stealing is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Theres got to be repercussions. Shes going to be mad at you for sure but she'll get over it. They always do!
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Peewee212
Reg. Sep 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 4:34 PM (#7421925 - in reply to #7421901)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Extreme Veteran


Posts: 305
100100100
Location: KS
want2chase3 - 2019-02-11 2:13 PM

I dont envy you being in this situation. I am a step mom to a now 18yr old girl, when her dad and I started dating she was only 9 and really made my life challenging! I'm so glad shes older now and just within the last ohhh 4 years it's gotten really good and enjoyable, finally. Dont get me wrong we had plenty of fun good times too but it just took a while for her to realize I wasnt going anywhere and that i truly meant it when i say i love you! If i were you, i think I'd let dad know and let him confront her but you should be there and ready to offer help or input, shes got to see that you and her dad are a joint force. Not sure what your relationship is like with her mom, me and my stepdaughters mom have absolutely nothing to say to one another other than hello.. just the way it is. Shes probably going to flip out and lots of crying.. but she needs to know what shes been doing isnt going to fly and stealing is completely UNACCEPTABLE. Theres got to be repercussions. Shes going to be mad at you for sure but she'll get over it. They always do!

Thank you for this advice. I don't envy me either.
Yes I plan to let Dad do most of the talking and disciplining. I just don't know if she has any idea what she did to the relationship between her and I. She is with me majority of the time, (when she is here) and would choose to be if we give her one. I don't want to judge the other household but mom works nights and sleeps days, so sounds like she sees her very little. Ive ran into her, my stepdaughter on occasion at Walmart, we live close to an hour apart so very rarely do we happen to be in the same place at the same time, but she is always with a grandparent, never a parent. Told my husband once I wonder if she spends more time with me then any of her parents?!
As far as the relationship with her mom, a hello most likely wouldnt be exchanged between any of us, she kinda baked that cake years ago. But I can honestly say I don't think ive seen her in over a year, we pick SD up from school and drop her off halfway at a gas station where she hops in one pickup and into another. Not her mom picking her up all that often, think its her stepdad who seems nice from what I hear.
Im just really hurt over the deal. And don't see myself ever not second guessing that it could happen again.
And very rarely to either my husbands or my folks watch our kids. As a mom who is lucky enough to get to stay home and raise them, and we don't do extra things on weekends and such that require us to get a babysitter, we feel we should spend them as a family so we do. So Im feeling guilty that I put my mom is that situation where she was able to sneak those out of her room and out of the house. I think she is in just as much disbelief as well, she watches all her other grandkids and like she said upstairs is kinda off limits, none of them go up there. She still trying to figure out when she did it.

Sorry to unload on you all, but Im feeling alittle better about it tonight than I was last night. Thanks again for the input.
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
want2chase3
Reg. May 2009
Posted 2019-02-11 6:50 PM (#7421940 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Warrior Mom


Posts: 2396
2000100100100252525
I feel bad for the child too. It's so difficult on kids, divorce. I'm divorced too and I came into my relationship, now going on 8 yrs married, with 2 babies of my own. My husband took on those 2 like they were his own, that includes discipline and I always back him up and vice versa.. although I don't think I've ever really disciplined my step daughter over anything major, she was a pretty good kid, did some weird things along the way, but nothing serious. Prayers for you and your family I hope you can work it out and repair any damage between yall. Good luck and keep us posted.
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
oija
Reg. Feb 2012
Posted 2019-02-11 10:33 PM (#7421973 - in reply to #7421769)
Subject: RE: OT....input on stealing kids



Expert


Posts: 3704
20001000500100100
Location: Gainesville, TX
While I think you should primarily let dad handle it, it’s a serious enough offense maybe it would be good to have a talk with her mom/stepdad or grandparents. They may be upset enough over it to actually agree to consequences at both places. I know that is sort of an ideal situation and my not be possible but it’s just a thought. That would be something your husband would need to bring up to them though.

Also I ‘get’ that your own children will just naturally take up more of your affection, at that same time that so long as you kind of keep that in your head it’s going to translate into your actions, expressions, and things you say. I know you have some affection for her I am sure despite your current disappointment. Work hard to make sure she knows this (even in your own head). I am a stepdaughter myself. Trust me, even if you work hard to be fair, kind and affectionate, favoritism can translate. Later it can translate into her being even more difficult to deal with. A feel of being the third wheel or not really family can mess with any kids esteem. And as for her stealing. Let her be corrected. And then, without forgetting and maybe regular room checks when she isn’t there, try to move on. She’s a kid in a kind of tough situation. She did a stupid thing. The more you bring it up or let it color your interactions with her the more disconnected she is going to feel. Let her be a kid. She can get past it. Most do.
share Top of the page Bottom of the page
Jump to page : 1
Now viewing page 1 [20 messages per page]
Jump to forum :
Search this forum
Printer friendly version
E-mail a link to this thread
Message format
 

'
Registered to: Barrel Horse World
(Delete all cookies set by this site)
Running MegaBBS ASP Forum Software
© 2002-2019 PD9 Software