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 The Famous Hot Wing Chicken Girl
Posts: 2964
   
| My younger brother (24) has been acting differently for quite a while and over time, it has gotten worse. It's now to the point where he only comes out of his bedroom to cook or work out. If you try and talk to him, you get short, one word answers most of the time and most conversations are held through his bedroom door. He says we don't involve him in anything, that our parents are horrible, etc. He is downright hateful to my father and my father has a short temper so it doesn't help the situation. I think my brother has some unresolved issues with my Dad because he wasn't around much until we were of high school age, due to his job.
He was in the military but was discharged shortly after due to health problems (Severe asthma.) After that, he got into some trouble and was arrested for a DUI and drugs (pot). He enrolled in college but never went to the classes. He will hold a job for a while, then all the sudden get fed up and quit. He quit his last job about 3 months ago. I got him a dog about 2 years ago and that does help..but it's not enough. Sometimes he gets so bad he pushes her away (and then the dog is depressed..)
Back about 2 months ago, he said he needed help and my mom offered to pay for a therapist. He goes 2x's a week and has been diagonsed with Anxiety and severe OCD. From what he has told us he needs to be put on medication but he's a serious health freak, and he will only take St. John's Wort. He seemed to be doing better, but this week he is really bad. We are all getting really worried and frustrated because nothing we do seems to help. We try to get him involved but any time we ask him if he wants to do something, help with something, etc..he declines.
I'm really frustrated because I don't have a good relationship with my brother because of all this and it just seems to get worse. I want to be closer to him and I want him to know that I love him..I'm really afraid something is going to happen to him.
Anyone have any advice? I'm really at a loss here..so are my parents..
Edited by cowgirlchic 2013-12-11 3:03 PM
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  That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| I understand your concerns. I had a close friend take his own life a year ago last August, because of depression. The problem with depression is there is only so much family and friends can do. The person dealing with it must be willing to do what it takes to resolve or treat it. Usually that means rock bottom for that person. My suggestions based on what I wish I would have done:
1. Let him know you love him without diagnosing him,
2. Be there and ready to help when he is ready to accept help,
3. Pray for him and Trust in God.
I dont know whether you are religious or not, but read this article, it might help https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&query=depression |
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The Famous Hot Wing Chicken Girl
Posts: 2964
| Thanks for the link.. I'll read it in just a few.
I'm praying that he doesn't get to the point where he wants to take his own life. I'm not sure if he has had suicidal thoughts or not. He wrote my mother a long letter last night saying how he hates all of us and his life, and for us not to speak to him. She's pretty upset about it. |
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | Try to talk to him as much as you can. This is such a hard thing to deal with.  Sending you, your bother and family prayers.  |
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 Potato Soup Queen
Location: Alabama | Maybe the whole family needs to join in on the therapy sessions. |
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 Regular
Posts: 58
Location: Georgia | I have worked in mental health as a nurse for a decade and coming from that view point the advice you've been given is excellent. Keep telling him you love him, try to be supportive of him but also try not to hold yourself responsible for his choices. That said if at any time he expresses or hints that he may be wanting to harm himself or anyone else (and I hope that doesn't happen) then its time to contact his therapist and express your concerns. Because of confidentiality they won't be able to give you his personal information but should be able to tell you about the laws in your state and what actions to take to keep everyone safe. From what you have said you are doing everything possible to have a better relationship with him but relationships are a two way street. I have found it best to love people where they are and when I start to feel hurt or rejected to back up a little. Due to his struggles he may not be able to have the same depth of relationships as you might hope. Try to be realistic and not take things personally, realize the hurtful things he says are most likely his illness. I hope this comes across in type as lovingly as I mean it. I know its difficult and your brother is very lucky to have a family that loves him, many do not. |
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Expert
Posts: 1815
| Because of his desire to be healthy and not do prescription drugs, I know from family experience some things that have TRULY worked for anxiety, depression and ocd in my family. Have been down this road with a loved one that could not tolerate prescriptions:
1. day light therapy lamp ~ stimulates melatonin production in the brain ~ helps people who get down as the hours of sunlight get shorter.
2. Magnesium ~ Proven to be deficient in those suffering in above conditions ~ will calm an anxiety attack ~chk labels on strength, some require up to 3 tabs a day to get your daily dose.
3. 5 HTP ~ works much better than st johns wort, and still a natural product.
4. Last, but not least, a multi vitamn with B1, B6 , D included.
A therapist recommended the above for someone special to me, and there was a substantial and noticeable improvement in less than a week............Therapists are good! No side effects from above products as well...........Hpe this helps in some way ~ prayers for all of you. Above all else, if you have any doubts about his safety whatsoever, call his therapist!!!!!
Edited by mouse 2013-12-11 4:59 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1815
| I want to stress that I do not have the answers for your brother ~ just listed some things to maybe research for yourself that were helpful to us...........I know how painful it is to see a loved one suffer......... |
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The Famous Hot Wing Chicken Girl
Posts: 2964
| Farrierlady - 2013-12-11 4:16 PM Maybe the whole family needs to join in on the therapy sessions.
I agree with this but I'm not sure how the rest of my family would feel about it. I don't think my Dad or my brother would go for it. I think my brother enjoys the 1-1 time with his therapist.
She diagonsed him with the OCD and Anxiety.. The anxiety part kind of shocked me because I don't ever see that side of him. I was shocked that he wasn't fully diagonsed with depression but I think that will come out in his sessions in time. |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Very hard to deal with depression. Been there! When things or thing over whelms you and you have no where to turn things add up and drop you to the bottom so you feel. |
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"Heck's Coming With Me"
Posts: 10794
Location: Kansas | Sometimes I think until you've been depressed it's harder to deal with in others because you can't relate. It's beyond horrible. I've been there too.
Good advice in the above posts. Thank God for my mother and my husband. They were so supportive.
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Mouse has good advice. Look at his diet and change it up so he is getting the needed requirements especially if he won't take vitamins or prescriptions so he still gets it in food. He might go big for fruit and or vegatable smoothies with the vitamins in it or perscriptions ,,,wouldn't even notice if blended in. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I can so relate. Prayers for your brother and family. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I would suggest your brother looking into vitamin d supplements as there are psychiatrists that are using up to 4000 units daily as a first line drug for depression. The results have been good.
Also hugs to you and your family.
Also I would suggest you and your mom seek counselling, if he is sending hateful letters, a psychiatrist can help both of you emotionally deal with the hate. It is important to take care of your self |
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| I think everyone had better believe his letter and send him to a rehab place for 24/7 treatment ... first thing drug tests ..
He is 24 years old and time to be weaned into the real world and none of the family means anything to him other than to manipulate everyone and keep your lives in turmoil ... It will take professional help to accomplish any changes.
TUFF LOVE WORKS .. but at the same time with his mental state towards the family .. always beware and careful in his presence and do not fall for his woe is me type of actions!!
I would classify him as a professional manipulator and lazy ... everyone has to agree that he is beyond the families help and send him away to find his own way to happiness ... and he should seek help on his own and not bankrupt your parents by running home each time his coffee is too hot or he does not want to do what is required of him at the rehab ....
Only he can help himself ... !!
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| BARRELHORSE USA - 2013-12-12 2:15 AM
I think everyone had better believe his letter and send him to a rehab place for 24/7 treatment ... first thing drug tests ..
He is 24 years old and time to be weaned into the real world and none of the family means anything to him other than to manipulate everyone and keep your lives in turmoil ... It will take professional help to accomplish any changes.
TUFF LOVE WORKS .. but at the same time with his mental state towards the family .. always beware and careful in his presence and do not fall for his woe is me type of actions!!
I would classify him as a professional manipulator and lazy ... everyone has to agree that he is beyond the families help and send him away to find his own way to happiness ... and he should seek help on his own and not bankrupt your parents by running home each time his coffee is too hot or he does not want to do what is required of him at the rehab ....
Only he can help himself ... !!
I have been thinking about this post and came back to say basically what this poster has said.
This guy is 24 and he is being enabled to some degree to be able to act like this by still being able to live at home.
Your family is not doing him any favors! Yes, he needs tuff love! If he were out trying to figure out how to keep a roof over his head more than likely he wouldn't have the time or energy to "brood" so much! I would strongly suggest to your parents that they need to tell him it's time to look into other living arrangements that HE pays for.
Having said all this, prayers for you. You sound like a very caring sister who wants her brother to be happy. Hope your family can find the strength to make this guy grow up. Good luck |
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The Famous Hot Wing Chicken Girl
Posts: 2964
| He's not on drugs.. I know that for a fact. The drug thing was several years ago and he has totally turned himself around from that. He is a health and fitness freak now. Some of you said to check his vitamin levels.. He takes vitamins and supplements daily. He shops at our local health food store for everything so we know what he is buying. He is also on the paleo diet so he is very strict in what eats.
ETA: the letter he left for my mom is the first one he has ever left. that's not typical behavior for him. He says he feels like he can't open up to us.
Edited by cowgirlchic 2013-12-12 11:49 AM
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| cowgirlchic - 2013-12-12 11:45 AM
He's not on drugs.. I know that for a fact. The drug thing was several years ago and he has totally turned himself around from that. He is a health and fitness freak now. Some of you said to check his vitamin levels.. He takes vitamins and supplements daily. He shops at our local health food store for everything so we know what he is buying. He is also on the paleo diet so he is very strict in what eats.
ETA: the letter he left for my mom is the first one he has ever left. that's not typical behavior for him. He says he feels like he can't open up to us.
You seem to not be willing to face the fact that he is 24 year old and living at home with no job? With the limited information you have given I think there may be more issues with the family dynamic than just his issues. Do you and your family think it is normal that he still lives at home? Do you'll have a pastor that the family could go talk to together? Who would tell the family the truth not just what they want to hear. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Let me start by saying that everyone is DIFFERENT so what I say may not apply to him, but my boyfriend's aunt and I really tried to help my boyfriend with his depression. He quit working, became uninterested in his favorite thing, was short and snappy with me all the time, drank and slept all day because of his mom passing, and then his uncle and grandfather. I began to feel like we were being too clingy and I know he did too, because I was offering too many suggestions of jobs, "why don't you do this", "let's do this", and so on. I finally just stepped back and constantly told him, like I did before minus the in-your-face kind of help (not saying that you're doing this by any means), that I loved him and that I was here when he needed me. I finally let him talk about the jobs and school and things he wanted to do, I didn't bring it up. I was very supportive and just plain positive with him all the time and had him very involved in doing things when I was home, and I think he then felt better that I gave him his space. I'm happy you're trying so much for him and prayers for you and your family!! I was just saying what happened with my experience, and I think that you're doing everything right so far |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1035
Location: TN | Depression is hard on the person but also very hard for the people who love that person. My dad has been dealing with depression and anxiety for the past 6 years - a variety of things, including: losing his job due to the economy and kids growing up and moving out contributed to his downward spiral. Medication has been very helpful for him, but also seeing a therapist has helped him tremendously. One of the biggest issues for him now is lack of motivation. A previous poster said that a lot of healing depression depends on the person dealing with it and their motivation to get better. It's been difficult for all of us, especially my mom. If you can get him to see a therapist that would probably be a good start. Good luck! I know it's not always easy to deal with a depressed person. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| yellowhorse1 - 2013-12-12 3:57 AM
BARRELHORSE USA - 2013-12-12 2:15 AM
I think everyone had better believe his letter and send him to a rehab place for 24/7 treatment ... first thing drug tests ..
He is 24 years old and time to be weaned into the real world and none of the family means anything to him other than to manipulate everyone and keep your lives in turmoil ... It will take professional help to accomplish any changes.
TUFF LOVE WORKS .. but at the same time with his mental state towards the family .. always beware and careful in his presence and do not fall for his woe is me type of actions!!
I would classify him as a professional manipulator and lazy ... everyone has to agree that he is beyond the families help and send him away to find his own way to happiness ... and he should seek help on his own and not bankrupt your parents by running home each time his coffee is too hot or he does not want to do what is required of him at the rehab ....
Only he can help himself ... !!
I have been thinking about this post and came back to say basically what this poster has said.
This guy is 24 and he is being enabled to some degree to be able to act like this by still being able to live at home.
Your family is not doing him any favors! Yes, he needs tuff love! If he were out trying to figure out how to keep a roof over his head more than likely he wouldn't have the time or energy to "brood" so much! I would strongly suggest to your parents that they need to tell him it's time to look into other living arrangements that HE pays for.
Having said all this, prayers for you. You sound like a very caring sister who wants her brother to be happy. Hope your family can find the strength to make this guy grow up. Good luck
I keep going back to the fact that he works out and he goes shopping for his food etc. Etc. Where does he getting the money for all of this. I agree with y'all he has the family foole. |
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The Famous Hot Wing Chicken Girl
Posts: 2964
| He works out because we have an at home gym. No one pays for a gym membership. We've had all the equipment for years.
He does the grocery shopping because everyone works full time, so it's easier for us to give him the money to do the shopping. He buys healthy food and does most of the cooking. He does not buy any "extras". He gives my parents the reciepts and they check their debit card to see where it's been used. He's NEVER purchased anything extra with it.
My parents don't give him money. He has some saved up. They pay for his therapy and the gas to get him there, that is it.
He has lived on his own and bought everything he has on his own. He moved back in a little while ago. My parents aren't going to kick him out because as the therapist has stated, that's only going to make his issues worse at the moment.
My brother will tell you if you ask him that his goal is to overcome everything and get back on his own as soon as he can. He knows he needs help and he wants it. He is the one who came to my family and asked for help because he knew something was wrong with him.
I find it funny that you all think that he is lazy. He was military.. how dare you call our military, someone who fought for YOUR freedom, lazy. He loved being in the military and that had been his dream since he was a child. He had that taken away from him, and after that is when the depression began. He has a lot of anger built up from his dreams being crushed.
No, he isn't working currently, but he has been putting in job applications like crazy. I know this because he uses my laptop to put them in. His anxiety gets bad, he gets overwhelmed and feels trapped, and that's why he gets fed up and quits a job.
And obviously, like I've stated, he is in therapy and has been officially diagonsed with OCD, Anxiety and Depression.
I didn't come on here and ask for your opinion on my brother, someone that you don't know, nor do you know his whole life story. I asked for opinions on how to understand and deal with his depression, and maybe some ideas on how to get him to open up. For you all to attack my family is absolutely ridiculous. Thank you to those of you who didn't attack, and for the helpful PM's that I did get.
Edited by cowgirlchic 2013-12-15 9:52 AM
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Dealing with someone with Depression?