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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 683
  
Location: Hampton VA | Hypothetcal situation here but how would one recover from an abusive relationship? They have been together for about two years and the male has a history of anger management and this wasn't the first time this has occured. The male only gets this way when he has been drinking way to much. This past weekend it got really out of hand. Cops were called, restraining order in place. But how does the female recover from the damage done by the male? Anyone have some advice to offer? |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
 
Location: Texas | Lot of detail for the hypothetical. However, the female needs to get to where she has had enough. Moving on needs to include counseling to help her work through all of the damage caused. |
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I would recommend domestic violence counseling. Most larger counties have a "safe home" hotline that can help remove her from the situation, get her back on her feet & provice counseling for free or on a sliding scale. She has to be strong enough to stay away from him & just be done or he will make her every promise in the book & eventually return to his old ways. I work with domestic violence victims & it is a vicious cycle. |
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  More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I first have to ask are you married to this guy? or just living together? That's a big thing for me. If you're not married to him I wouldn't even be questioning this, you walk and stay far far away from the abuser. If your married to him you can try marriage counseling and he needs to be in AA. I'm not sure if my husband got abusive with me I could stay with him. |
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | Retribution?? |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 683
Location: Hampton VA | not married...just a relationship |
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | CUONXC - 2013-12-17 9:28 AM not married...just a relationship
Get the hell out. Find someone who treats you like a lady. Don't be afraid to stay single either. Be strong. Scum at its lowest level to beat on a woman. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Time to move far away and get rid of anything that reminds you of him. There's too many good ones out there to be strung out over a piece of shtt woman hitter.
First though I think you'll need to come to grips with yourself and why you think you don't deserve a good man? Low self love? No self respect? A reliance on other person to make you happy?
Every woman in this world deserves to know how to make herself happy and to have the power to make it happen! The right guy is only icing in a happy life.
I hope you get through this with grace and strength. We love you! Big hugs! |
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 Expert
Posts: 5293
| Being a psychologist, there is a situation called learned helplessness. They are the ones who are free to leave but don't . They essentially learn that abuse is the way it's supposed to be. Huge research went into this after wwII . At one point at the end of the war the concentration camps were being staffed by a hand full of officers. There were thousands in the camp. Many could have simply walked away without repercussion. They didn't. They stayed. It is what they were used to . Same process is working in this situation. |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8699
Location: the end of the rainbow | We train people how to treat us. If she allows this behavior and goes back go him with no requirements for a resolution & change in his behavior she is giving him the message that what he did was okay with her & she loves him enough to put up with again in the future. Just my opinion but she needs to dig deep, find whatever help she needs, pray & then dig a little deeper to find the moxie that it is going to take to move on with her life and maybe someday find a partner that loves & respects her for the amazing person that she is. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 725
Location: Hogwarts | CUONXC - 2013-12-17 10:28 AM
not married...just a relationship
Seeing as how you are asking on here, you kind of already know the answer just wanting confirmation it seems in my opinion. Leave. Move away from where he is. You aren't trapped, you are never trapped. You just have to go. Go see a counselor or a women's shelter. They'll help. The longer you wait the harder it'll be and the worse it'll be. |
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | No contact what so ever, no texts, Nothing. One day at a time and prayer. |
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 Purveyor of unconventional wisdom
Posts: 17112
Location: CA | Having left a hypothetical situation after 21 years of marriage and 2 kids, I will tell you it isn't easy. When you finally realize you are in danger, or your kids are in danger, it makes it doable. If it is a relationship with no shared financial interests, just get the heck out. Every day you stay you reward that behavior. I don't care how hound dog his eyes get as he tells you how sorry he is, I don't care what he promises you, just say no. If he is to change, you don't have to be there while he is doing it. But I'll tell you, the next thing on his agenda is to get you pregnant so you feel trapped. and beleive me if you were to pick a stud for your mare, you sure as hell wouldn't breed to one with bad genetic issues. ... just sayin. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I know with all my heart this person needs to leave right now while there are no marital and financial ties. Do not under any circumstances ever look back. I personally know how hard this is but it MUST be done if this person ever hopes to have a sembalance of a normal life. |
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 Texas Taco
Posts: 7499
Location: Bandera, TX | Leave now - don't look back - no more contact with him, none!!!
It will take time to heal, but it will come.
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Get out, sever contact, cut his face out of all your pics, tell your family so you can get some moral support. I was married to that for 8 months before I realized change wasn't going to happen, and now it seems like a bad dream that happened a lifetime ago. 11 years later, I couldn't even remember his last name or his birthdate/place when the passport lady asked me this fall. I thought that was pretty cool, even if she did think I was crazy.  When you get to talking to others about it, you will be amazed at how many have been there, gotten out, and gone on to have great lives. |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | You have to love yourself more than you do the pain that you are in.
Picture yourself in this h*ll hole you are now in. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be? It does and will get worse.
Picture yourself at peace. Happy with the person you are.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. One just has to choose to put one foot in front of the other to get out to the sunshine. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 806
Location: Arkansas | Its a long time before you feel okay..
Anytime you think about staying, ask yourself if/do
1. I want my children (or future children) to think this is how relationships work?
2. I want my children to be next.
3. I want my daughter to look for a man who is going to hit her or my son to hit a woman?
Don't make excuses for setting him off. Nothing that you could have done is deserving of physical abuse. Leave and never look back. A real man is waiting for someone just like you somewhere!
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 614
Location: Usually on my horse | Therapy and lots of it.....speaking from experience |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | Three 4 Luck - 2013-12-17 11:25 AM Get out, sever contact, cut his face out of all your pics, tell your family so you can get some moral support. I was married to that for 8 months before I realized change wasn't going to happen, and now it seems like a bad dream that happened a lifetime ago. 11 years later, I couldn't even remember his last name or his birthdate/place when the passport lady asked me this fall. I thought that was pretty cool, even if she did think I was crazy. When you get to talking to others about it, you will be amazed at how many have been there, gotten out, and gone on to have great lives.
I did it over 8 years ago now. I was married and had a 4 year old daughter. Once you take that first step and stick to your guns life gets better. The first morning I woke up alone I was smiling before I opened my eyes. |
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| She needs to find a faith-based support system to regain her strength and confidence and emotional well-being. It is through a relationship with HIM that all things are possible,including recovery. Joyce Meyer has some great books. A support group of other women and, along with professionals that specialize in abused women counseling would be very important. I don't think this is something to be taken lightly and she should look for all the help she can get....family, professionals, support groups, church and a strong spiritual advisor like a pastor. |
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How does one recover?