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 Veteran
Posts: 290
 
| I need some serious input on my "relationship" and what I should do. In my head I know what needs done but I need a support system. My fiancé and I have been together just shy of 2 yrs. He is from SD and moved to PA to be with me. He was the one that went and got the ring, I in no way rushed it. Almost a year into the relationship I got pregnant. Not planned at all even though he was the one begging for a child. In that time period he tried leaving once, got to Indiana and called and asked if he could come home. About a month before I was due he was texting his ex trying to get back with her. After that he promised it was over, he was there for me and his soon to be family. And he was, was there in the hospital and he cried the whole 10 yds. He was great with helping at home then he went back to work. When she was barely 3 months he was texting his ex again. I busted him and he left. Got on a plane and left. Once he got there a day later he texted me, saying how wrong he was. It was the biggest mistake ever he should of just slept it off. His reasoning for talking to her was he didn't feel wanted by me. Mind you just had a kid and got on birth control, I couldn't stand being around myself. But I went and moved a decent to SD to be with him. That lasted a week then his father, who never liked that I "took" his boy away, got in my face and called me worthless. We left the next day for PA. Been here for over an month and his truck broke down, his old boss in SD offered to pay him $100 a day for 2 weeks to get it fixed. So he left with promising me he would be back on the 28th. Well he has no ticket purchased to come back, keeps making excuses. I offered to move again if that is what he felt would be best for his family. And he is now making excuses for that. I hardly hear from him during the day. Maybe twice. He never asks how his daughter is. I know I need to just lick my wounds and move on. I just don't understand how one goes from beggin for another kid, promising he will be home on that date, to him acting like a person I've never seen before. I'm 24 yrs old, I lost everything once because of a guy I dated for 5 years. I had to sell my truck, trailer, all my tack and horses. I now have my old horse back and my hopeful barrel horse.I just need words of encouragement that I can be a single younger mother and still ride. I'm lost, I feel broken and for some twisted reason I feel like I failed the relationship. Like I'm failing m daughter so she wont have a father figure... I just need help.  |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
 
Location: southeast Texas | You know what needs to be done...... Take it one day at a time. When he calls, you don't call him unless its an emergency about your child, ONLY talk about your child. He tries to change the subject, give him a warning that you two are over and the baby is the only subject you are willing to talk to him about. If not, hang up on him.
He has shown you who he is. ACTIONS speak louder than words. He has pretty words but does not follow thru with actions. He probably figured that makeing yalls arangement perminent, he would forget about his ex. Probably why he was guideing you into a ring and baby. |
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  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | Your being a single mother as it is. YOU and your daughter deserve better. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | You can do it alone and raise your baby and still have horses. I did! Now is the perfect time for a project horse! Stay home ride everday set goals for yourself and daughter and horse. Make small steps that you can reach in 6 months or so then achieve them and set new higher goals. You will be focused on your life and soon a year will go by! Your horse will be ready and you and your daughter will be in a new and better place.
Follow the advice already given and only communicate with your ex about your baby only, don't let him keep your life on hold while he runs back and forth. Also take him to court and get court ordered child support. Dont allow him to be a deadbeat! Your attorney general can help you at no cost to you.
You can do it! Don't think for a second that you can't! You will find your horses are great therapy and will keep you sane! |
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | As the other posters have already said it is time to 'Cowgirl Up' and move on.
Be very clear with him that you and him are over and you will only discuss the welfare of the child you share together.
If you have not already, start pursuing child support avenues. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 614
Location: Usually on my horse | Kick that no good piece of man crap to the curb and move on !!!
It is similar to the horse theory.....why waste your time on working to fix a bad one, when there are so many good ones out there.
Your baby needs you front and center 100%.....Put your efforts into her and forget about the guy.
Good luck and God Bless ! |
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Veteran
Posts: 290
| I know I'm my own worst enemy. Like I said before im 24 , I've only dated three guys. All for well over a year. And I was single for over a year before dating him. In which he pursued me big time. And now it is just hard for me to comprehend how someone can lie to your face and one second be begging for another kid then the next not even trying to fight an ounce for you. My horses and my daughter have been a huge blessing. I just needed outside opinions. I know I can be stubborn but I would always apologize and try to make things better. But I just need to realize I can't fix this. |
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | pushin4mny - 2014-01-25 9:15 AM I know I'm my own worst enemy. Like I said before im 24 , I've only dated three guys. All for well over a year. And I was single for over a year before dating him. In which he pursued me big time. And now it is just hard for me to comprehend how someone can lie to your face and one second be begging for another kid then the next not even trying to fight an ounce for you. My horses and my daughter have been a huge blessing. I just needed outside opinions. I know I can be stubborn but I would always apologize and try to make things better. But I just need to realize I can't fix this.
When you realize that you were wrong in thinking that he was a certain type of person or had certain characteristics, you'll be able to let this go easier and in a way, to be able to forgive him and yourself for believing that he was that type of guy. When you love someone, you want to believe the things they tell you and the things they are trying to plan with you. Some people have a really good story but not the ability to follow through with it. He's just one of those people right now and unfortunately you have to pick up the story as it sits with you and your daughter. |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | pushin4mny - 2014-01-25 10:15 AM I know I'm my own worst enemy. Like I said before im 24 , I've only dated three guys. All for well over a year. And I was single for over a year before dating him. In which he pursued me big time. And now it is just hard for me to comprehend how someone can lie to your face and one second be begging for another kid then the next not even trying to fight an ounce for you. My horses and my daughter have been a huge blessing. I just needed outside opinions. I know I can be stubborn but I would always apologize and try to make things better. But I just need to realize I can't fix this.
Live for your daughter....not for him. |
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 Northern Chocolate Queen
Posts: 16576
Location: ND | Walk away, look out for you & your daughter.....live your life. As soon as you tell him you want him gone & to not try coming back, he's going to be begging to come home....don't let him. You will feel so much better when you put yourself in control and quit letting him play with your mind. |
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| I am not even going to offer advice., And will only say this on the matter. Relationships can only grow and propser if both people are striving for the same thing and have the same priorities and not allowing anything or anyone else to weaken it. I look at it this way: You are using BHW as a way to vent some of feelings, getting them down on paper which is always cathartic. You know absolutely what you need to do and no amount of varying opinions from people on this forum is going to change the circumstances. God bless. |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | whats best for your daughter isnt a Boy trying to figure out what he wants in life.. his ex or you.. move on and yes you can be a single mom and do well at it.. love yourself and her.. one day a man that respects and deserves and cherishs YOU and her will come along.. until then love and live for her and you.. move on.. no open door for him .. when shes older it wil be harder for her having him and a rovolving door.
Edited by Bibliafarm 2014-01-25 10:17 AM
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 Dancing in my Mind
Posts: 3062
Location: Eastern OH but my heart is in WV | As I was reading, my initial thought (when he left the first time) was "maybe he got scared at the thought of being a father and reacted badly." O.K. that can be forgiven especially since he "manned-up" and realized his mistake quickly. But the more I read, the more I realized a pattern starting to develop here. As an outsider, he sounds like he has a LOT of growing-up to do. You need to stop enabling him to play these games. It may not seem fair to you to have to be the responsible one, but there is a child involved now. If you have good family support in PA, that is where I would stay! I would tell him, you and that baby are not going anywhere until he proves he can handle and understands the responsibility involved in caring for a family. Meanwhile, I would make sure that he is still taking at least financial responsibility for that baby but hopefully, he will choose to be part of her life too. He needs to grow-up and start acting like an adult because there is WAY more than his self to think about here. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| So sorry, move on with no expectations from him. It may be tough but you can do it. Do not waste your time on a losing proposition, you and your daughter deserve better and better is out there, whether that is in another relationship or on your own, but you have to be in a place to recieve it- not tied to an immature boy who holds you back. |
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 "Drank the Kool Aid"
Posts: 5496
Location: Iowa, LA | I'm no one to give relationship advice, but he's definitely got issues! Not YOUR problem! Stay strong and KNOW that you can and will get through this! Hoping for the best for you! You deserve to be happy and not stressed! |
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Member
Posts: 18
| I thought I would offer a different perspective. I'm 18, and my mom is a single mother. My dad left when I was very little (around 2 I think). She made it very clear he could either be in my life, or not. There would be no going in and out when he felt like it. He was around for a couple of more years and then left for good. I haven't spoken to him since I was 13.
I cannot thank her enough for that. I had a very stable home growing up, I had my mom, and I stayed with my grandparents sometimes. My dad would visit on weekends. I can't imagine how different it would have been if she just let him walk in and out when he felt like it.
You might feel torn about protecting your daughter from her own father, but I feel in some cases it's the best thing for both parties. |
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Veteran
Posts: 290
| Thank you. These are the kind of things I just needed to hear from others. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | First of all I'd like to know who the worthless piece of crap is that's doing this to you and where in SD he's from. Second I would like to say this, life is short. To spend the rest of your life wondering if fart face is going to stand beside you and your daughter is crazy. At this point in your life this seems like a huge question but in reality and deep down you know he's not going to. Let your little girl grow up having the extreme love of one parent alone is better than her wondering what she ever did to daddy that he only wants to play daddy on a part time basis when it works for him. |
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 The Rose of Rodeo...
Posts: 2560
Location: Where we still run to look when the siren goes by. | pushin4mny - 2014-01-25 6:54 AM I need some serious input on my "relationship" and what I should do. In my head I know what needs done but I need a support system. My fiancé and I have been together just shy of 2 yrs. He is from SD and moved to PA to be with me. He was the one that went and got the ring, I in no way rushed it. Almost a year into the relationship I got pregnant. Not planned at all even though he was the one begging for a child. In that time period he tried leaving once, got to Indiana and called and asked if he could come home. About a month before I was due he was texting his ex trying to get back with her. After that he promised it was over, he was there for me and his soon to be family. And he was, was there in the hospital and he cried the whole 10 yds. He was great with helping at home then he went back to work. When she was barely 3 months he was texting his ex again. I busted him and he left. Got on a plane and left. Once he got there a day later he texted me, saying how wrong he was. It was the biggest mistake ever he should of just slept it off. His reasoning for talking to her was he didn't feel wanted by me. Mind you just had a kid and got on birth control, I couldn't stand being around myself. But I went and moved a decent to SD to be with him. That lasted a week then his father, who never liked that I "took" his boy away, got in my face and called me worthless. We left the next day for PA. Been here for over an month and his truck broke down, his old boss in SD offered to pay him $100 a day for 2 weeks to get it fixed. So he left with promising me he would be back on the 28th. Well he has no ticket purchased to come back, keeps making excuses. I offered to move again if that is what he felt would be best for his family. And he is now making excuses for that. I hardly hear from him during the day. Maybe twice. He never asks how his daughter is. I know I need to just lick my wounds and move on. I just don't understand how one goes from beggin for another kid, promising he will be home on that date, to him acting like a person I've never seen before. I'm 24 yrs old, I lost everything once because of a guy I dated for 5 years. I had to sell my truck, trailer, all my tack and horses. I now have my old horse back and my hopeful barrel horse.I just need words of encouragement that I can be a single younger mother and still ride. I'm lost, I feel broken and for some twisted reason I feel like I failed the relationship. Like I'm failing m daughter so she wont have a father figure... I just need help.
That's what she needs...that is NOT what he is. Do you seriously want someone that can do the childish things he has, to be a "father figure" to her? There is someone out there that can do a MUCH better job than what he has shown he can do. It may be a grandparent, it may be a mentor to you, it might even be your soulmate, but it is not her biological father.
You can be a single mother and ride. It wont be as much and it wont be easy, but you can make it work.
Stay strong, hugs and prayers!!
ok cant find the hug smiley so heres this  |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | Just make sure you get child support....he needs to own up and financially support his daughter. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Read your own siggy, THERE IT IS!!!!! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Does he have any other children from a previous relationship? How old is he?
It sure sounds like he is very emotionally immature regardless of his chronological age. As others have said...he has shown you who he really is as a person. Could he grow up and change? Maybe...if he wants to change. But you have more important things to worry about now. Move on with your life and do all you can to build a stable loving home for your kiddo. Don't even consider moving for him. Put down roots and build your life with her and your horses. As she grows hopefully the two of you can enjoy horses together.
Bottom line...don't make changes for him. And get him top "pony up" on the child support.
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 MEOW!
Posts: 4477
Location: High heels in the air... | You look like a beautiful girl in your avatar!!! Goodness, you can have any man you want!!! Take back your power and stand up for your needs and those of your child...get a support system from family and other single mommas and go ride your butt off!!! He needs to grow up and be a man...if not, move on and follow your dreams and your heart!!! |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | Any man who will leave his child like that and simply not care is not worth taking back. Take him to court for child support but do not take him back. Even if it works it will not be long before he will be cheating. Now that your child is young is the best time for you to build YOUR life again. Imagine if he had been around for a few years and then leaves your daughter wondering where her daddy is! My dad being around but dropping back in and out again depending on which girlfriend he was living with did more damage to me then if he had simply never been around at all. |
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 World 4D Champ
Posts: 28264
Location: PA | Many many hugs and prayers for you and your little girl. I don't have any new advise that asn't already been given. Just know and believe you and your daughter deserve so much better.
But...are you still in PA? I am also in PA...so if you ever need someone to talk to, vent to...or heck, not sure where in PA you are, but meet up for coffee, a riding partner, or anything, just know I'm here. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | I would walk away and not look back. Do what you have to do for your daughter and yourself and that's it. Good luck and stay strong. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | If he keeps coming and going like this, your daughter will have serious issues in her future relationships.
Kids see a lot more than we realize growing up. She will think this type of a situation is "normal", at least subconsciously. Set a good example for her.
Honestly, since he isn't around, it should not be much of a relationship to walk away from at this point. Good luck, I know it must be heartbreaking!
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | barrelracr131 - 2014-01-27 9:14 AM
If he keeps coming and going like this, your daughter will have serious issues in her future relationships.
Kids see a lot more than we realize growing up. She will think this type of a situation is "normal", at least subconsciously. Set a good example for her.
Honestly, since he isn't around, it should not be much of a relationship to walk away from at this point. Good luck, I know it must be heartbreaking!
THIS.
Never have a relationship with a man, that you would not be proud of your daughter also having when she is old enough. It is mind blowing to me how much alike my friends relationships are to their parents relationships, mine included. Even the ones who said they would never end up like their parents.
*Disclaimer* I'm not saying EVERYone has a relationship exactly like their parents, just saying it is very common, but I do realize there are exceptions. |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | There's no way I would take back a man after he leaves, especially multiple times. I don't understand why women don't take more pride in themselves and demand more from their relationships. You have a lot of good advice here... take it, and DON'T take him back. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Murphy - 2014-01-27 9:46 AM There's no way I would take back a man after he leaves, especially multiple times. I don't understand why women don't take more pride in themselves and demand more from their relationships. You have a lot of good advice here... take it, and DON'T take him back.
Amen, sista! |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Dont let this peice of junk come back, hes a yo-yo and will be doing this to you always, Get child support from this person and get on with your life, you have a baby that depends on you to take care of her. He has already shown his true colors to you a few times. Hugs |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I can't add much more than what the others have said. His actions have shown you he is not committed to you or his daughter. As an adult, you can handle that and deal with it as needed. Your daughter will not be able to understand the wishy-washy behavior.
You don't get to pick and choose when you want to be a parent. He is only around when it benefits him. And if he is still texting and doing whatever with his ex, I can promise that it is not innocent behavior.
Quit being his doormat. Shut the door in his face and start respecting yourself. Take the control back. Go after him for child support but don't expect him to want to be a father.
Like others have said, DNA doesn't make a man a good father figure. Mine was a better sperm donor than father. But I had the greatest stepdad to fill in that role.
Go after what you deserve. Pick up the good parts of the relationship (your daughter) and put the trash (him) out on the curb. |
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Way OT.. Need advise/words of encourgment