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Member
Posts: 33
| so after 29 years of marriage, my husband told me he wants a divorce. For the last few years he has been quiet, moody and seems to not want to hear my voice. I have thought he acts bipolar but of course if i bring that up it makes things worse. He says he is seeing a counselor that wants to put him on something for depression. He says he doesn't want to do that. I am really in a bad position. When i tell him i DONT want a divorce he says he can't believe i would like to live like this too. If anyone has ever been through something similiar i would really like to hear a little advice. I am lost |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8552
   
Location: sunny california | no advice but sending prayers your way |
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  Ms. Manners
Posts: 1820
Location: Oklahoma | Hugs and prayers . . .
Are you in counseling? A good counselor may be able to give you great advice on how to help your husband, and you.
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Member
Posts: 31
Location: Oklahoma | Morab76 - 2014-01-26 11:21 AM
Hugs and prayers . . .
Are you in counseling? A good counselor may be able to give you great advice on how to help your husband, and you.
This.
Hugs and prayers as well!!!! |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | Hugs.... I don't really have advice as I walked away from mine. At least yours has admitted that he wants a divorce. Honesty is the first step in anything.
Counseling and prayers & don't doubt yourself. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 738
Location: Anywhere my horses are ! Lost in Texas!!!!! | Hugs for you |
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4627
Location: Texas | Prayers headed your way. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Prayers for comfort and strength. |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | Be prepared for anything and everything. And I second the suggestion to get with a good counselor.
It's a shame that the first thing a depressed man blames is his marriage. Just goes to prove, many are not very in touch with their feelings.
Prayers for you. |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Another woman! |
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 MEOW!
Posts: 4477
Location: High heels in the air... | Been there, done that..Go get yourself a good counselor!!! It will help you deal with this and him and keep you sane while decisions are made...hugs!! |
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 Veteran
Posts: 246
Location: OK | Was in the same shoes a few years back. Get counseling, get your finances etc. in order in case you do split. Hugs and prayers |
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 Expert
Posts: 1526
Location: Texas | Tell him to move out then. He wants a change make him do it. He doesn't want to fight or work on your marriage...... |
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Veteran
Posts: 159
Location: Central TX | my heart sunk when i read this. I myself have been divorced (my choice) but it was the most painful thing i have ever gone through and i cant imagine how it would feel after almost 30 years.. so many prayers headed your way. I am so sorry.  |
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Redneck Ranch
Location: Oklahoma | There is a book called The Love Dare that we have suggested to numerous couples that were ready to divorce. I was actually leaving my husband many years ago and this book along with lots of prayers saved our marriage. It may or may not work but is worth a try. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | No advice from me just wanted to give you a huggg  |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Many hugs. Please don't feel that it is your fault in any way, it takes 2 to tango. Remember God closes one door and opens another. Have him take a physical. Blood sample. My So had a blocked artery. When blood doesn't get to all the right places it changes your attitude and clouds your mind. If he is on any medications he needs to have those checked/changed.If he is healthy then he is a A-hole. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 503
| cow pie - 2014-01-26 11:12 PM
Many hugs. Please don't feel that it is your fault in any way, it takes 2 to tango. Remember God closes one door and opens another. Have him take a physical. Blood sample. My So had a blocked artery. When blood doesn't get to all the right places it changes your attitude and clouds your mind. If he is on any medications he needs to have those checked/changed.If he is healthy then he is a A-hole.
This! You NEVER know if it's something medical - make sure you rule that out first. Hugs and prayers. |
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 Keeper of the King Snake
Posts: 7616
Location: Dubach, LA | I totally understand what you're feeling. No matter how long you live with someone, you never really KNOW a person. I have no advice - just a hug. |
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MEOW!
Posts: 4477
Location: High heels in the air... | I will tell you this....concentrate on positive things...have a life ....go hang with girlfriends, ride your horses, do some charity work, do things that bring you peace whether an afternoon matinee or a morning at church...you need to feel whole ....don't sign anything in haste, rat hole extra cash, prepare for the worse...I'm in north texas and will buy your lunch if you are close by...you are important with or without him and have this whole board supporting you no matter what... |
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 Ms. Potato Head
Posts: 9162
Location: BFE, Idaho | If he asked he is already gone in his mind, this is just the final nail.
Mine made my life so miserable I ended up in the hospital. Long story. But he did not want to give up the high life he was living with me he had all my money and my work ethic to support it. After I asked for a divorce he was thrilled he could do all his undercover work out in the open. Pun intended. Gave him everything he asked for except my daughter and walked away. Best day of the rest of my life.
I was married 23 years of He)).
My healing thoughts are with you. Blessed Be... |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 597
| mollibtexan - 2014-01-26 8:39 PM
Tell him to move out then. He wants a change make him do it. He doesn't want to fight or work on your marriage......
DITTO
Tell him to hit the bricks, but also remind him that you gave nearly THIRTY years of your life to him, decades of love and understanding, fights and make ups, laundry and dinners, and that was all part if your VOW to him. Tell him that you aren't the one breaking your vows, tell him that you're prepared to love him through sickness, but if he wants to throw it away, he's more than welcome to flush it all down the toilet.
I so hate this for you!!! My very close friend is going through a divorce that's similar right now and it just kills me that she FREELY GAVE 17 years of her life to someone who could toss it in the garbage so easily! Hugs and prayers for you girl! |
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Veteran
Posts: 294
| Date nights are very important but I think the most important thing is not to sweat the small stuff.
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Guiness - 2014-01-27 10:28 AM I understand what your going through. I was more like your husband. I wanted a divorce. My husband did not. We went to counseling. She reminded me that I loved him once for a reason and I needed to find that again. We gave it one last shot. We are still married and I have found my way again. I'm glad he did not give up. We have sex like 4 times a week. Even nights when I feel I'm too tired. We kinda feel young again. Give it your best shot and if it doesn't work than it wasn't meant to me.
All righty then....  |
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Keeper of the King Snake
Posts: 7616
Location: Dubach, LA | Southtxponygirl - 2014-01-27 10:45 AM Guiness - 2014-01-27 10:28 AM I understand what your going through. I was more like your husband. I wanted a divorce. My husband did not. We went to counseling. She reminded me that I loved him once for a reason and I needed to find that again. We gave it one last shot. We are still married and I have found my way again. I'm glad he did not give up. We have sex like 4 times a week. Even nights when I feel I'm too tired. We kinda feel young again. Give it your best shot and if it doesn't work than it wasn't meant to me. All righty then....
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 Expert
Posts: 1218
Location: Great NW | no advice - but many firm hugs for you |
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| Married 29 years tells me that he is at "mid-life crisis" age. I don't have any major words of wisdom for you other than to say, try not to let it ruin your self-esteem etc. If he really wants a divorce there's not a lot of sense in trying to fight it to the point that things turn really ugly. Do no let it ruin your sense of self-worth, attractiveness etc. just realize he's dealing with a problem that probably has very little to do with you.
If it is a mid-life crisis, they do pass eventually so, if you want to give the mega-doses of sex every day a shot and he's agreeble to it...go for it! I've been married 32 years and know it's still pretty darn important to them even at our age! LOL. Good luck to you and God bless as you figure out where to go from here. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 999
Location: Sunny So Cal | Sending prayers, love and hugs |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 980
Location: Southwest Minnesota | No advice here either...but will send a few prayers your way that God will give you guidance... |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| I think my folks are at this point. I love them, and I wish they'd just get away from each other and find some happiness. I fully support finding happiness, because life can end in the next 10 minutes and shouldn't be taken for granted. If he really makes you happy, then you should tell him so and look deep inside to see if it's your fault that you drifted apart. If it is your fault, apologize and ask if you can help change his mind. If it's not your fault, truly, then he's not going to come back because his mind is made up, he's run out on you and doesn't deserve another second of your life. If he's not making you happy, truly, then cut him loose and go pour yourself into a venue that truly deserves your most wonderful self!! |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bottom line is when someone wants to leave, the harder you try to hold on and convince them how and why they need to stay, the more they will want to leave and the harder they will fight to do so. Take this time and invest it in yourself and carry on and you normally would. In fact, the more you act like you are ok, the more he'll take notice. It's not easy for sure! Tell him you love him, but don't expect to get it in return right now. It may work out, and it may not, but either way, you're going to be ok. |
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 I am Woman hear me Roar
Posts: 3395
Location: Choctaw, Oklahoma | Just an observation. But you mentioned he is seeing a counciler??perhaps you guys need to go see this person together. I believe all marriages can be saved if both are willing. I agree with the midlife crisis theory. Suggst a date night to talk . Write letters to each other if discussing it in the open is difficult. I would personally start with going with him to this counciler person |
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Veteran
Posts: 124
Location: Louisiana | If he's depressed, it may be low testosterone. Even though he may seek counseling, he may need to see his dr. Men don't normally talk about this. They think it's us when they're tired or fatigued, don't have the fire in them anymore; they think or want to think it's us. |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I highly suggest the book "The 5 Love Languages"!!!!! Read it alone or read it together. It may open your eyes to the reasons he is feeling what he is feeling. |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Just Bring It - 2014-01-27 1:53 PM I highly suggest the book "The 5 Love Languages"!!!!! Read it alone or read it together. It may open your eyes to the reasons he is feeling what he is feeling.
Good Book! |
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 Roan On The Range
Posts: 7889
Location: Stephenville, TX | boonboy - 2014-01-26 10:43 AM so after 29 years of marriage, my husband told me he wants a divorce. For the last few years he has been quiet, moody and seems to not want to hear my voice. I have thought he acts bipolar but of course if i bring that up it makes things worse. He says he is seeing a counselor that wants to put him on something for depression. He says he doesn't want to do that. I am really in a bad position. When i tell him i DONT want a divorce he says he can't believe i would like to live like this too. If anyone has ever been through something similiar i would really like to hear a little advice. I am lost
If he's already seeing a counselor, ask if you can come along also. Just for one session to see how it goes. Listen, join in the conversation, ask questions and be supportive of your husband. He took the first step on his own by going to see the counselor, now you need to show him that you want to help him get through this rough spot in his life. If he refuses your help or does not attempt to act on the advice of the counselor (basically just showing up for the appointments, but not being active in the process) then you can't help someone who doesn't want it and you'll have some decisions of your own to make. Hugs for you...
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 Always Off Topic
Posts: 6382
Location: ND | there's some good advice on here but also some that seem to have no understanding of depression, bipolar, or much else.......... |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | It could be bipolar, depression, etc. Or, it could be something else entirely. I divorced my husband of 28 years last year because he had problems with addiction - alcohol and prescription drugs. His problems had been going on for many years and he was quite good at hiding his substance abuse. I hung on to the marriage because I believe in marriage - I didn't get married to get a divorce. But one person trying to make things work does not make a marriage. My husband blamed his behaviors on depression, anxiety, etc. He cheated on me, lied to me, and did most everything to ruin a marriage possible, all the while blaming his behavior on depression and/or anxiety. (Then he told me he didn't want a divorce after I told him it was over. He said he didn't believe I would ever file. Go figure.)
I'm just saying, there could be more going on here. I didn't know half of the secrets my husband had. The truth is still seeping out as people begin to come forward with stories. The wife is always the last to know and if you are wanting to hold your marriage together so badly, sometimes its hard to see the truth until you step away. |
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Expert
Posts: 1526
Location: Texas | I will add I am divorced and, as another person posted, it was the hardest thing I have ever endured. EVER! It was extremely hard and horrible. With that being said I survived and way happier! Once you are able to look at your life later you will realize you weren't happy either and in a better place. You will survive! Promise! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 902
Location: Qld Australia |
I agree with councelling together. I hope everything is ok. You are in my thoughts. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| First you have to make sure YOU are ok. He obviously hasn't been taking care of you for a very long time, so I suspect you are already started on independence. I've been in a bad marriage that ended in divorce, and here is my advice, in specific order, no matter whether you want to stay or go:
Get an attorney. A good one. After 29 years I am sure you have assets you would like to keep.
Get your finances in order. Know what you owe, what's yours/his, inventory your accounts (retirements included) and belongings.
Go to counseling both for YOUR own good and with him. If things work out, great! If they don't, you won't be a victim. And maybe your strength will shed some light on his own selfishness and make him realize what is best.
Do something to make yourself feel beautiful. You need confidence and poise to get through this.
Hugs to you, I know how hard it is. But we are all as strong as we decide to be. |
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Member
Posts: 49
| I'd let him go, then try to do things you enjoy, have some fun! He needs to be the one to move out though, since that's how he feels. But make sure everything is worked out financially and asset wise, after all those years you deserve that. Hopefully, you both can settle on things without fighting, that makes it so much worse (and just makes the lawyers richer). Good Luck. |
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| When he says "I can't believe you want to live like this" then tell him no you don't want to live like this however 29 years is something that shouldn't be thrown away. He is seeing a counselor so he knows he has problems and he's working on them. IF, through the counseling, he has realized he just doesn't want to be married anymore or has fallen out of love I wish I could say things would change. I have a psychologist friend who says when guys say "I'm done" there's usually a little wiggle room. I agree counseling for you would be an excellent idea, whether the marriage gets repaired or not.
If it does proceed to a divorce, be sure you get a good attorney-there are some that will work for both the husband and wife if it is uncontested and they agree on everything although there's a lot to be said for having your own--it can just get so expensive (as many have pointed out)
Good luck.
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husband wants a divorce