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 Perky Gal
    
Location: On a paint horse... | Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!!  One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you?? | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| My husband is fantastic, we have pretty much been on the same page our whole marriage- not alot to fight about. He is the person I must love spending time with. He doesn't say a word about how much I spend on the horses, truly wants me to be happy and if we can afford it, he will pay for it. We did have to have a little "meeting of the minds" when I started riding 4 years ago, it was not about the $$ but him paying attention to it. When the girls were riding our weekends were about them and their rodeos. When they went off to school he got into shooting sporting clays and that became his passion andhe was over the horses and barrel racing. I was happy for him but he got so wrapped up in it he would not ask how my runs were or acted interested in watching the videos. Hurt my feelings, I let him know, he felt really bad, apologized. Since that conversation 4 years ago, if he is not shooting he comes to watch or asks for the video and if I am not racing I go watch him shoot. | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Nope, No, No Way. If you hear me use the words "my husband doesn't want me to", it means I don't want me to either and am throwing him under the bus. We don't tell each other what to do. We have expectations of respect and behavior, but we are not the boss of one another. | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Three 4 Luck - 2014-02-02 12:15 PM Nope, No, No Way. If you hear me use the words "my husband doesn't want me to", it means I don't want me to either and am throwing him under the bus. We don't tell each other what to do. We have expectations of respect and behavior, but we are not the boss of one another.
Well said. I can't remember the last time I heard "no" from my husband and vice versa. Like you said, we operate within the boundaries of our expectations of respect and behavior. | |
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Perky Gal
Location: On a paint horse... | It just really saddens me to watch people lose their identity and individuality and not have the guts to speak up. To me, you must speak your mind or you cant expect others to know what you want. And that goes both ways!  | |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16572
Location: Displaced Iowegian | LOL....48 years and counting and IF my hubby told me "no" to whatever I wanted to do, he might be sporting a "new" black eye..... | |
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 Regular
Posts: 88
Location: IA | My husband is full of NO. He's a big home-body and doesn't deal with change well. I have to fight him tooth and nail for everything. But once I do something and he sees the good. Then, he's supportive. But any idea or thought of money spending is a NO. I get tired of fighting, feeling like I have to stick up for myself. | |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I love my husband. He is my best friend and my biggest supporter. I wouldn't have horses, dogs, a home on acerage, or the ability to haul and run my mare if not for him. It doesn't mean there's no "give and take". We give to and for eachother. He's a great man, provider, father, friend and husband. Period. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2276
Location: ohio-in my own little world with pretty ponies :) | I'm not married but my SO and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have always been a team. We sort of know what's going too far. He supports my riding 100% and comes when he isn't working or doing what he loves. I also do the same, I have been known to get up before sunrise and go sit in a deer stand with him or go fishing all night long in a tournament. We work together with bills and saving. We are now looking into buying our first home and maybe get married in the next few years. I hate seeing those people in relationships where one over rules the other all the time and it's not always the husband doing it. I grew up with parents like that. My mom always does what my dad says and he is in control of everything. To me that isn't what it should be about. That is the person I want to spend my life with and I want us both to be happy! | |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | I've been with my SO for...4 years now I think. He knows I'm independent. I do what I want. I've always been like that. He would never forbid me from doing anything. They second he does that about something, I'm gone.
I read about all these ridiculous situations people on here find themselves in and I honestly cannot even wrap my head around it. | |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | rodeomom3 - 2014-02-02 12:33 PM Three 4 Luck - 2014-02-02 12:15 PM Nope, No, No Way. If you hear me use the words "my husband doesn't want me to", it means I don't want me to either and am throwing him under the bus. We don't tell each other what to do. We have expectations of respect and behavior, but we are not the boss of one another. Well said. I can't remember the last time I heard "no" from my husband and vice versa. Like you said, we operate within the boundaries of our expectations of respect and behavior.
^^^This.
We often sit down and talk about goals, dreams, priorities..... We fight from time to time, but I always know he has my back. He's never told me I can't do something. I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. By the same token, I don't ever tell him no. | |
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Perky Gal
Location: On a paint horse... | MS2011 - 2014-02-03 8:07 PM rodeomom3 - 2014-02-02 12:33 PM Three 4 Luck - 2014-02-02 12:15 PM Nope, No, No Way. If you hear me use the words "my husband doesn't want me to", it means I don't want me to either and am throwing him under the bus. We don't tell each other what to do. We have expectations of respect and behavior, but we are not the boss of one another. Well said. I can't remember the last time I heard "no" from my husband and vice versa. Like you said, we operate within the boundaries of our expectations of respect and behavior.
We often sit down and talk about goals, dreams, priorities..... We fight from time to time, but I always know he has my back. He's never told me I can't do something. I wouldn't put up with that kind of crap. By the same token, I don't ever tell him no.
I so agree! It is a give and take and ultimately about respect. I watch couples play games, try to guilt one another, not be honest with each other. It just makes no sense to me. | |
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Expert
Posts: 2276
Location: ohio-in my own little world with pretty ponies :) | There are so many areas of life that you don't have a say or are mediocre....love shouldn't be one of them. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 246
Location: OK | I have been in one of "those" marriages, no fun-had to pass up some opportunities that would have been awesome. Finally, you get to the point of either you can live with it or you can't. That being said, I know of a few cases where it's the wife who is the one running the show as well.
Relationships are rarely 50/50 on everything-it's all about give and take-sometimes you take more than you give and others, it's vice versa. | |
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| skeeter 777 - 2014-02-02 11:33 AM
Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!! One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you??
Maybe it just the way you worded it? But yours doesn't exactly sound 50/50 to me either? | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1163
Location: Foot of the Smoky Mtns, East Tennessee | I am lucky in that my husband trains and barrel races also, so the horses have never been a problem. He is into them as much as me if not more. Do we have our problems? Sure. Do we argue some? Sure, but we know we both love each other. He works, I don't. Not out anywhere anyway. I stay home and take care of a barn full of horses so he doesn't have too. I also take care of the house, etc. I feel like he shouldn't have to do much (except ride) when he's home from work because he is the one out making money and supporting our family. When I was working outside the house, it didn't leave a lot of time for him to ride because of the hours he works. It might not be 50/50 exactly but it works for us. He never tells me no I can't buy something unless we don't have the money. Is he as affectionate as I would like? No, but I know he is as affectionate as he knows how to be and loves me so I overlook it and accept it. It makes the "little" things mean more. Is our relationship perfect? No, but it's perfect for us and we feel like it's a true partnership. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2135
Location: Somewhere else | Thought I had a great one....but over the last 5 years it's fell apart. Total trust on my part, he could do anything, go anywhere. He rodeo'd all over the east coast and I NEVER questioned anything when I counldn't go with him. Too bad he had to ruin it by hooking up with a skank and having an affair that ran for several months. Slowly but surely it's all falling apart. I've tired to make it work but it has to take 2. He should have left when I found out about the affair. | |
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I've been married over 20 years & it hasn't been all smooth sailing but for the most part we are 50/50. I couldn't imagine having to ask my hubby for permission to do something. Granted, if it's a big purchase we discuss it together but just everyday things we are adult enough to do what we want. | |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | We are a team. Sometimes it's not always 50/50. My husband is into performance cars and trucks, and of course I have my horses. There are times when we buy parts instead of things for the horses, and vice versa. He hasn't been able to get any parts this winter because we are building a barn. We know that sometimes it's the other person's turn. This summer, we will be back at the truck pulls and buying parts, so I know that I won't be buying any major horse purchases. Which is OK. We know the drill :) | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 168
Location: Wyoming | Been married for 12 years and we both have 100% respect for each other and are on the same page 99% of the time. We can sit down and discuss everything without having to raise our voices, we respect each others view and work to come to a common conclusion( even if it's to not agree). I try to never take him for granted and we make sure we show each other appreciation and common curtousy. Always please and thank you for even the little things and we don't sweat the small stuff. We worked side by side on the ranch every single day until I had our first boy 3 years ago. I am very lucky to have him in my life.
Edited by luv2trainhorses 2014-02-03 10:31 AM
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Queen Bean of Ponyland
Posts: 24953
Location: WYOMING | Murphy - 2014-02-03 10:16 AM We are a team. Sometimes it's not always 50/50. My husband is into performance cars and trucks, and of course I have my horses. There are times when we buy parts instead of things for the horses, and vice versa. He hasn't been able to get any parts this winter because we are building a barn. We know that sometimes it's the other person's turn. This summer, we will be back at the truck pulls and buying parts, so I know that I won't be buying any major horse purchases. Which is OK. We know the drill :)
We are a team also! and hubby runs drag race cars.
We don't ask for permission, LOLOL, but we do certainly take each others opinions into account on any and all things. What I suck at he makes up for and what he sucks at I make up for. We have very similar long term goals and most of the time we really like each other! :)
I would have to say YES ours is a true partnership and we are both SOO lucky! | |
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 Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I am to the point that I am so unhappy in my marriage now that I do not know what else to do. We have been married for almost 2 years (in April) and the relationship has steadily declined within the first 6 months of our marriage. We both work full time and I expected that he would help me when the housework, bills, and etc. would need to be taken care of... instead I am left to do everything. I can no longer do this. I feel like I am doing nothing but fussing constantly and I am miserable. When we first were married he supported me, came to watch me ride, went to shows with me without a fuss. Now he shows up at shows only when a friend of his is going, hangs out with them only and does not even come and sit with me. I feel as tho I am not first in his life and so he has not been first in mine in a long time. We have been going to counseling for 4 months now and I have not seen any improvement or if I have he goes back to the way he once was within 2 weeks or shorter. What would anyone advise to me? Thankfully we do not have children and I cannot see myself having children with him due to his lack of responsibility. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I don't have any advice but I'm praying for you all  | |
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Queen Bean of Ponyland
Posts: 24953
Location: WYOMING | My hubby doesnt come to my shows. He did a few times but UGH how boring for someone who doesnt even like horses. I went to one of his races and that was the one he hit both walls doing 130 mph... so needless to say I dont go to his races anymore. Its our special time to get away from each others crazy and hang with the non spouse friends!! | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | blccwgl55 - 2014-02-03 11:06 AM
I don't have any advice but I'm praying for you all
thank you I appreciate that! | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I feel that hubby and are a team. We don't always agree and our main issue occurs when his family comes and camps out for 6-8 weeks at a time. For the most part, that only happens once a year. But boy does it creates problems. Other than when his family is here, we put each other first. We respect each other and are able to discuss things. We don't really ever say "No" to each other because of the mutual respect and common goals.
Our marriage has evolved over time. When we were first married, I was more than willing to play '50s housewife while working full time. Two kids and completing another degree later, I recognize that I can't do that. Thankfully, he understood and we have a lady come clean every two weeks.
When we were first married, I would go to every roping and video. I've had enough of the duration contests and will show up when he ropes here in town. It's harder to travel and sit there for hours on end with kiddos, so hubby understands. More than anything, I think it comes down to communication. If you can't communicate and get on the same page, there will be problems. Also, no marriage is perfect. I tried to date with my eyes wide open and go through marriage with them half-closed.
Oh, and my latest realization is that he can't read my mind. I finally spoke up about some things I'd like to do and it completely blew his mind. And we're not talking big things. I literally said, "I would like to go to dinner here...." He had NO clue I liked that restaurant. So, my advice is to also speak up. | |
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Perky Gal
Location: On a paint horse... | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 9:03 AM I am to the point that I am so unhappy in my marriage now that I do not know what else to do. We have been married for almost 2 years (in April) and the relationship has steadily declined within the first 6 months of our marriage. We both work full time and I expected that he would help me when the housework, bills, and etc. would need to be taken care of... instead I am left to do everything. I can no longer do this. I feel like I am doing nothing but fussing constantly and I am miserable. When we first were married he supported me, came to watch me ride, went to shows with me without a fuss. Now he shows up at shows only when a friend of his is going, hangs out with them only and does not even come and sit with me. I feel as tho I am not first in his life and so he has not been first in mine in a long time. We have been going to counseling for 4 months now and I have not seen any improvement or if I have he goes back to the way he once was within 2 weeks or shorter. What would anyone advise to me? Thankfully we do not have children and I cannot see myself having children with him due to his lack of responsibility.
I am by no means an expert on the subject, just observe some unhappy situations. Are you both being totally honest with the counselor? Does he/she see what is going on? Have you met individually with the counselor? Have you thought about trying a different counselor? It sounds to me like he isnt committed to making this work and if thats the case perhaps you should move on. I cant imagine being into it 40 years like my friends and she has totally lost her identity and zest for life but at this point feels its too late to make a change. Life is too short to be unhappy. Many and for you!! | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach |
Thank you very much for prayers they are greatly needed... I have been completely honest with the counselor and when I am (which is every time we go) my husband gets upset and gets his feelings hurt. I believe the counselor sees what is happening but does not want to give up due to loosing his check every week and he gives us "homework" but that never happens either. I'm not sure what to do besides to stop going because it is a waste of our time and the counselors time, and also my father-in-law is paying for it (he is a Baptist minister). | |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| You're very welcome! I do have to say that I'm too familiar with divorce and problematic relationships, and this kinda sounds like a DUH but he has to put forth the effort and WANT to put forth the effort to make it work and to fix your problems. If not, then you may need to emphasize that to him or have to walk away. But I'm no expert so just do what feels right and good luck to you all | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | I remember telling my mom when I was twelve that a man would never be the boss of me. Luckily for me I found a man who was so busy, and I was so busy that bossing or asking was never an issue. I worked a lot and barrelraced and he worked a lot and duck hunted. We were together for 18 years, before he was killed in an accident 11 years ago. I remarried about 8 years ago and boy was I in for a surprise. We grew steadily apart, he thinks I should ask, and I honestly never thought that was an option, I can not even imagine asking him if I can do this or can I go there. I had a house, horses trailers, horses, land , barn and a good job. Now he is acting like a spoiled child. Very passive aggressive, I think he is not strong enough to deal with me on an even playing field. I do not know how I got here. | |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | We never look at things percentage wise......One day it will be 50/50 because that's they way that day falls. Another day it will be 70/30, or 80/20. It all depends on the situation. When I was pregnant and later miscarried, hubby did almost everything around the house, from tending horses to cleaning. So he carried most of the weight. On days he is working a lot, long weeks, super tired, 24 hour shifts, then I take over everything. Cook, clean, labor stuff, take him meals, errands. I do 99 percent of the stuff for his parents because my schedule allows flexibiltiy, his doesn't.
When it comes to the horses they are MY responsibility, I pay 100 percent for them. But he claims them as his responsibility as well because I am his wife. I always said if I wanted a successfull marriage I would have to make so many sacrifices and changes with the horses. But in reality, my husband over time completely changed his life to cater to me and my horses. Not because I asked him to, but because he truly enjoys it. He comes to every race, he helps tack up, water, ride, etc. I make sure I take time off and skip some races to spend time with him doing other stuff.
I honestly believe the fact that I know my husband would never ever say NO to me, makes me want to take responibility to not have to ask him. I know when no should be the answer, so I shouldn't have to ask.
I didn't have enough money to order the transition lenses/glasses I wanted. I could get a pair, just not the ones I desired. I called him, asked him if he would split the cost with me and consider it an early birthday present, and he was more then happy to. We have just learned to compromise on everything in life :) | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| fastwrapn3 - 2014-02-03 2:24 PM I remember telling my mom when I was twelve that a man would never be the boss of me. Luckily for me I found a man who was so busy, and I was so busy that bossing or asking was never an issue. I worked a lot and barrelraced and he worked a lot and duck hunted. We were together for 18 years, before he was killed in an accident 11 years ago. I remarried about 8 years ago and boy was I in for a surprise. We grew steadily apart, he thinks I should ask, and I honestly never thought that was an option, I can not even imagine asking him if I can do this or can I go there. I had a house, horses trailers, horses, land , barn and a good job. Now he is acting like a spoiled child. Very passive aggressive, I think he is not strong enough to deal with me on an even playing field. I do not know how I got here.
Makes me sad to think of those who are not in good relationships. I lucked out as we only knew each other for 5 months before we married. Hope you find some happiness whether it is with or without him. Hugs and prayers. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| missroselee - 2014-02-03 2:31 PM
We never look at things percentage wise......One day it will be 50/50 because that's they way that day falls. Another day it will be 70/30, or 80/20. It all depends on the situation. When I was pregnant and later miscarried, hubby did almost everything around the house, from tending horses to cleaning. So he carried most of the weight. On days he is working a lot, long weeks, super tired, 24 hour shifts, then I take over everything. Cook, clean, labor stuff, take him meals, errands. I do 99 percent of the stuff for his parents because my schedule allows flexibiltiy, his doesn't.
When it comes to the horses they are MY responsibility, I pay 100 percent for them. But he claims them as his responsibility as well because I am his wife. I always said if I wanted a successfull marriage I would have to make so many sacrifices and changes with the horses. But in reality, my husband over time completely changed his life to cater to me and my horses. Not because I asked him to, but because he truly enjoys it. He comes to every race, he helps tack up, water, ride, etc. I make sure I take time off and skip some races to spend time with him doing other stuff.
I honestly believe the fact that I know my husband would never ever say NO to me, makes me want to take responibility to not have to ask him. I know when no should be the answer, so I shouldn't have to ask.
I didn't have enough money to order the transition lenses/glasses I wanted. I could get a pair, just not the ones I desired. I called him, asked him if he would split the cost with me and consider it an early birthday present, and he was more then happy to. We have just learned to compromise on everything in life :)
High Fives! My SO and our relationship is very much as you have described yours.
After 5 years together, we compliment each other and work well together. We don't ask or demand but rationally sit down and discuss things. He supports my horses, I support his fishing, we both work on the livestock together. We have the same morals, we respect money the same too. Through our church we are taking a financial class that has helped our resolve and dedication to paying our debt off, but more importantly, the class has shown us the scary bits of relationships and how to deal with them - like bills, planning for major purchases, emergency funds/savings, and how to support each other through the emotional roller coaster that is finances.
I won't say we are always 50/50 ... he was SUPER supportive with my father's recent health problems and I'd like to say I was equally supportive when his grandmother passed away last summer. Its not about who does what, but that all the ends get covered and things are worked on as a team. Some days I do more, other days he does more, we are a team. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers for you | |
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Member
Posts: 20
| I hope you all don't mind me chiming in here. I posted a few months ago about being in a 10 year relationship and it was going downhill, fast...
First of all, I want to say thank you to all those peeps that offered advice and to not give up...to try to figure it out.
My update is this....we talked openly to each other about what we wanted and we found that our goals were still the same. What I finally understood was what changed was me. I wanted more from him and he tried but it made me angry and hurtful towards him. I wasn't being fair. Some days its still a struggle but the struggle is with me, I finally woke up that all the issues I have are my issues and inadequacies.
I know that I am rambling but I wanted to give a huge thanks to those that told me not to throw a GREAT relationship away.
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | I didn't grow up dreaming of the man I'd marry, it was more the horse I'd own, the only white fence in my dreams was a horses fence, LOL! Didn't find the man I was meant to find until I turned 37, a year later my mom suffered an aortic aneurysm and I moved home to help my dad care for her as it also kicked in some Dementia. 4 years later Dave moved in also to help, my parents are older and my dad could no longer take care of the house and the property. Their only heat source was wood and he could no longer chop and haul it, I was working full time and taking care of mom in the evening and on weekends. We have now been together 11 years, have not married because I really dont' want to be married and living in my teenage bedroom,nor does he :-) It hasn't been pretty but it has actually forged us together instead of coming between us. He loves the me I become when I get to ride my horses and goes out of his way to make sure that happens, babysitting my mom for me so I can get away to races or just out to ride. I love how he loves to save anything pre-WWII, jeeps, gas tanks, trucks, furniture and I love to go picking with him or just sit in the Anderondak chair and watch him tinker with his jeeps, another "old girl" saved from becoming a rock climber. He isn't the cowboy or the jock that I looked for in my early 20's, he is a biologist/farmer. Someone said that if they say "my husband wont' let me" it means she really doesn't want to and is throwing him under the bus...that describes me well. I don't care to go out or lots of places, I'd rather hang out with him on a fence watching him garden or tinker on his jeeps or go for a trailride d0wn the creek with him *****ing about his poor butt and how I owe him, LOL!!! I know from him dealing with my parents that when things get tough he won't be the first person headed for the exit door. He is true and honest and the best man I know. I dont' know if that makes it a true partnership but I'm glad I have it and I'm lucky to have him. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 412
Location: In Husker Land | My hubby and I are a team. We have been married over 10 years and together almost 14, sure there are tiimes I want to hurt him...but he is the most supportive man ever. He totally supported me this summer as I was gone every weekend to rodeos, supported me in my goal in making it to mid state finals and also made it to Nebraska state finals. He doesn't always go with me, but he would always go if it was over a four hour trip so he could help drive. I also in turn help him here on the farm and ranch, during calving I do nothing but work my job three days a week and then help him at night and my days off. I love him and would not trade him for the world. He is the best dad and husband ever and I love him more now than when I met him. I posted this article on Facebook a few days ago and it fits us! Said that I am still attracted to his arms yet :)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-dewey-rohrich/15-real-reasons-t...
Edited by hckbarrelracer 2014-02-03 8:00 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | I think it's really awesome, y'all that have great teams working in your marriage. I think the reality is that for some of us it's not always that way the majority of the time. To the OP who is having difficulty - Marriage is a big adjustment, and sometimes it's really hard to work in a team - especially when your spouse isn't used to doing that. My husband also takes most everything very personally, which makes it very difficult to approach him with issues. We are committed to each other, but in stressful situations when true colors often come out (we've had our fair share of external changes and stress it seems), I am generally anticipating how to diffuse his anger and negotiating on the front side for us. It takes a lot out of me. But, he isn't a bad person, he just came from a different place then I did, and I just have to remember sometimes that it's so much harder sometimes to treat the person we're with with love, compassion, and honesty than someone who has more distance from the situation - it's harder for me, and I need to work on that myself. God gives strength to those who need it, ask, and you shall receive.
Edited by Ridenrun4745 2014-02-03 8:48 PM
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 Baby Blue's
Posts: 7304
Location: Texas | skeeter 777 - 2014-02-02 11:33 AM Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!! One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you??
I honestly have THE best husband. He's the best man I've ever met and we're both alphas which can be REALLY interesting. Anyways, if I got a tattoo, fit would hit the shan BIG TIME. It's not that he won't "allow" me to get one (b/c of course, then I would), but he doesn't want me to get one and I respect that...he didn't marry me with any. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM
I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married?
Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months....
We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband :(
I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. | |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | bocephus's mama - 2014-02-04 7:25 AM skeeter 777 - 2014-02-02 11:33 AM Watching several folks I know go through different situations recently, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a supportive husband that puts me first even after almost 35 years of marriage!! One gal I know is not allowed to drive their truck...ever!! Another wants a tattoo and her husband told her no way, no how. I guess my man knows me well enough that if he told me no, guess what the first thing I would do would be LOL. Seriously though, in watching alot of my friends, I see their marriages are more like 90/10 or 80/20 than 50/50. Im just surprised how many women allow themselves to be treated this way. How about you??
In the beginning I didn't think my husband and I were going to make it, he was still in bachelor mode and blowing all his money on stupid crap lol. I was fresh out of a bad marriage where I was controled completely, and I was dead set that no body was going to tell me what to do. We did figure it out though, we still have our moments but the world isn't going to end because of them.
When we got together he was adamant that we didn't go to bars. He is not a fighter, I am.. and somehow in highschool he always ended up in fights that I was in that escalated quickly, I am guessing that plays a big role in his "no bars" rule. I don't think it is fair for me to say I am going anyway because that was one of his conditions when we got together, and I wouldn't be real happy if he went out and did something just because I told him no.
I have girls tell me "My boyfriend trusts me, so he won't tell me I can't go to the bar... and if he did I would go anyway." Well that isn't how we work, and if they knew their boyfriend was leaving work early to drive by their job to make sure their car was really there... they probably wouldn't use the "trust" line so much lol.
There are some things I ask my husband about and vice versa, but for the most part we do our own thing and know that the other will be ok with it. If we have doubts, that is when we ask the other. It is not that either of us are asking permission, more that we are asking to make sure we are on the same page.
I also throw him under the bus all the time, I bet people think he is very controling lol, when usually I have to bring him up to speed on what he "told me I couldn't do" when he really never knew anything about it. I just have a hard time telling people no, so it is much easier to do it that way. | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you do have him figured out though. When you were dating/engaged did you notice that he did not know how to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own.
Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed.
If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels.
I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Good luck. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 9:16 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own. Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do ). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed. If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels. I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Good luck.
No I didn't notice because he offered to help when we were dating, but now he does not offer. Or when he does offer I already have it done (I have a saying for him.. he's like a blister, he shows up after the works done) I know that is mean but it is the truth. When I do ask him to help and try to have enough patience to wait on him to do it (which happens after he has done everything else he wants to do... procrastinating) I write him a specific list of what I want him to do. And its not that I expect this to get done in an hour but I don't expect it to be done 5 days later (which is typical) these are little jobs that can be done in 2-3 hours MAX.
If I were to ask him to write a letter it would not happen because he is very sensitive about his penmanship (his hands shake a lot).
Our counselor has suggested that book and I would love to get it but at this point it would just be me reading it. I did however purchase the Boundaries in Marriage book (suggested from another friend). I purchased it over a year ago and our counselor told us to read this book. We started reading the chapters good but have steadily declined in this as well, first him and then me. I feel as tho if he feels that the relationship is not worth putting work into then I do not either. I can no longer carry the burden for both of us, it has gotten to the point that I am frustrated at work and also frustrated with my horses or anything else that upsets me because of the situation between us. | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 10:01 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 9:16 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 8:27 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-03 2:04 PM I think the only thing left is to sit down and ask him what it is he is wanting. Does he want the relationship to work out? Does he still love you? What over the past 2 years has changed how he feels/sees you? Also ask yourself the same things. Do you still love him? Do you want the marriage to work out and be with him for the rest of your life? How do you see him now compared to when you were dating? What has changed? Is it all him? Or do you feel you have changed since the wedding? Did the dating, courting, and the attempt to impress one another stop after the marriage? I think that is what causes a lot of issues in marriages is as soon as people say "I do" they quit flirting with one another, and the dating stops. How long were you dating/engaged before getting married? Honestly when I try or do talk to him he shuts down and will not answer me period. He also does this with the counselor which is why I don't believe it is helping to go. We dated for almost a year before we got engaged, were engaged for 3 months and change and lived in my rental house for 6 months.... We then moved to his family's farm. Our problems really escalated when we moved because we are literally in his parents back yard and 600 ft from his grandfather. We are very grateful that they gave us that opportunity to have a home and for my horses to be on a farm (for free and rent for the home ) but I believe that has hurt our relationship in ways that can't be counted. He had never lived on his own and was never taught a lot of necessities (which is why I'm having to do them because he doesn't know he is expected to or he thinks he shouldn't have to ). We never got established as a married couple before moving to the family farm and I believe that made him regress back to just being their son and not my husband : ( I do realize that not everything is his fault. I am moody and not as forgiving as he is. I also have trust issues, which are not helped by problems that I have with his family personally. We have both stopped trying to date each other and that saddens me. I am so critical of everything he does wrong that I get to the point that I do not want to be around him period. to do necessities or had little ambition to do them? Were you alright with it then? If so, why were ok with it then but it now bothers you? I can definitely see how living back on the farm can cause a problem. We had the option to move back to my hubby's mom's farm when we first got married and we turned it down and decided to buy our own place about 90 miles from my parents and 200 from his. We wanted to be on our own.
Have you tried locking yourselves in your room without any distractions such as TV, phones, computers, etc. and just talking? I mean ALL day long until you both feel like you got something accomplished. I would set rules such as you cannot get upset with each other over what is said during that time but instead work together to fix the problem and talk it out. For example he says "you nag on me too much" instead of getting upset and telling him why you nag on him tell him that you hear what he is saying and that you are willing to work on that with his help. Then this would be the time to tell him that you would appreciate it if he did (whatever it is you would like him to do ). Don't just say "help around the house", give him a specific job to do such as take out the trash or put the clothes away, etc. Also take this time to set up some date nights. Don't just say lets go on dates again but actually setup a weekly date night that you two get away from the family farm. It can be dinner and a movie or something as simple as driving out to a park, lake, or field and dropping the tailgate down and just sitting and enjoying a sunset together holding hands. You don't need to have a huge conversation but just sitting together and touching can really help bring you closer together again. This brings me to another little thing that can help bring you back to that dating mindset.....hold hands! Hold hands as often as you can such as when driving in the car, walking from the car to a store, when heading out to do chores together, etc. Even when sitting next to each other on the couch or when falling asleep in bed.
If you still cannot get him to talk to you then ask him to write a letter. Sometimes it can be hard for people to say their feelings in person but writing them down can help the words flow. You guys can write letters to each other and go into separate rooms to read them. Give him plenty of time to write the letter so don't demand it that day. You want him to feel relaxed and not pressured so he can truly write how he feels.
I also highly highly suggest reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Good luck. No I didn't notice because he offered to help when we were dating, but now he does not offer. Or when he does offer I already have it done (I have a saying for him.. he's like a blister, he shows up after the works done ) I know that is mean but it is the truth. When I do ask him to help and try to have enough patience to wait on him to do it (which happens after he has done everything else he wants to do... procrastinating ) I write him a specific list of what I want him to do. And its not that I expect this to get done in an hour but I don't expect it to be done 5 days later (which is typical ) these are little jobs that can be done in 2-3 hours MAX. If I were to ask him to write a letter it would not happen because he is very sensitive about his penmanship (his hands shake a lot ). Our counselor has suggested that book and I would love to get it but at this point it would just be me reading it. I did however purchase the Boundaries in Marriage book (suggested from another friend ). I purchased it over a year ago and our counselor told us to read this book. We started reading the chapters good but have steadily declined in this as well, first him and then me. I feel as tho if he feels that the relationship is not worth putting work into then I do not either. I can no longer carry the burden for both of us, it has gotten to the point that I am frustrated at work and also frustrated with my horses or anything else that upsets me because of the situation between us.
Your husband sounds like my dad. My parents have somehow been married over 40 years, but it wasn't because it was a good relationship. More like they were both too stubborn to leave. I love my daddy, he's a good man, but he is not easy to live with. Don't look for him to ever change--he showed you his best face to win you, but you're now seeing the real him. Any time he seems to change, it's temporary. It may even last a few years at a time, but he will always revert back. You can learn to live with who he is, or decide it's not worth it. | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | Reading the book alone can still help. It does not need to be read together. Of course it would be great to have him show some initiative and to put forth some effort and he may get to that point but it is just taking him longer or he is struggling privately. I still suggest reading the book. It is a quick read but full of some great insite to how we all feel and show love differently. Is he home alone ever? I would leave the book lying on the bed or somewhere where he can see it and can easily grab it to take a peak. He may just not want to admit that there is a problem in the relationship or that he is too "tough" to read relationship books, etc but behind closed doors he may read it.
Your marriage is still so young. Don't give up on him just yet. You fell in love with him for a reason. Remember as you are leaning how to be a wife he is learning how to be a husband. It sounds like he needs to grow up and mature. Some "men" take longer than others. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 10:34 AM
Reading the book alone can still help....Your marriage is still so young. Don't give up on him just yet. You fell in love with him for a reason. Remember as you are leaning how to be a wife he is learning how to be a husband. It sounds like he needs to grow up and mature. Some "men" take longer than others.
I agree with this. Also, my husband is NOT a reader, and is a procrastinator. He sounds very much like yours, lol. :) he will, however listen if I read aloud. We took a long road trip and I read an entire book to him, it made for good discussion. It is better reading a whole chapter or book than just an excerpt though; less threatening that way. Otherwise I tend to pick the pickiest points, oops! I also once did an organizational/cognitive survey with my husband once when I came home from a work conference. (I wouldn't do this again!!) I thought it was interesting to see the answers and it helped me understand him more, but he was quite threatened by the results. What it showed me though is that he has a very very difficult time prioritizing and with time management - totally makes sense and is frustrating, but as time goes on I think we are both learning to manage it a bit better.
I've learned to take it less personally too, he's not generally upsetting me on purpose...part of it is the way he is wired. Right or wrong. I can choose to love him as he is or try to change him - life is better for all of us if I love him as he is :)
Edited by Ridenrun4745 2014-02-04 10:59 AM
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Nope never was | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all.
I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. | |
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Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons. | |
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Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I haven't read all the responses word for word, but hugs and prayers to everyone struggling. Everybody, every woman deserves to just be loved. No strings attached :( | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | aggiejudger - 2014-02-04 11:07 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons.
I feel as tho I should try to save the marriage because of his family. I know that is not a good reason but his father is a Baptist minister and I am much more like him in attitude and demeanor than I am my husband. My husband is much more like his mother (with whom I disagree constantly and cannot have a conversation with alone due to her personality). | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol.
Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | My husband is very easy to get along with, he rarely if ever tells me no, let's me take care of all the finances and even though I foster dogs and horses which cost time and money he USUALLY doesn't complain! I can tell him anything and he won't criticize me but he holds me to a high standard and calls me out when I'm being unreasonable... he is continually challenging me to improve myself in a good way and wants what is best for me! He knows I'm terribly stubborn and determined so I think he's learned to let me make my own decisions. I love him and we truly do balance each other out!
I too think it's sad when women are constantly saying I can't do this or that becuase my husband won't let me! I think it's either an excuse or ridiculous! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol. Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change.
Moving away from our family and friends a year after we married was the BEST decision we ever MADE.. it makes you dependant on each other and helps you grow and start your own life! | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:17 AM aggiejudger - 2014-02-04 11:07 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. Not that I am an advocate of divorce, but what are your reasons for wanting to save this marriage? If you want kids, but not with him, that is a deal breaker for me. If he's not doing his part or trying to save the marriage either, what is it that is keeping you together?
Life is too short to be unhappy. It's also too short to try and save something that is beyond repair. If both of you were dedicated and working to save the marriage, that would be one thing. But from what you have described, neither of you are trying to save the marriage for the right reasons. I feel as tho I should try to save the marriage because of his family. I know that is not a good reason but his father is a Baptist minister and I am much more like him in attitude and demeanor than I am my husband. My husband is much more like his mother (with whom I disagree constantly and cannot have a conversation with alone due to her personality ).
You're not married to his family and are not obligated to make decisions based on how it would affect them. I had some relationships along the way where I LOVED the guy's family and was sad to lose them or cause them hurt, but they were not a reason to stay in a relationship that needed to end. I'm not a big divorce advocate either, I've always felt that except in cases of abuse or infidelity that everything possible should be tried first. Months of counseling with no change doesn't sound like there is anything here to save. Especially when you said you want kids but can't imagine having them with him. Big big clue right there. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM
vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish.
Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol. Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change.
I would nothing more than to move away from his parents but if I even mention the idea he gives me the most hateful "go to hell" look I have ever seen on his face. So I do not see that happening, and all because he grandfather spent the $ to buy the house just for us (which I do appreciate very much don't get me wrong or call me spoiled). I really don't think his parents are going to be a help to anything because of the issues between his mother and I. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | And yes I have spoken to his dad and he point blank asked me "Do you want to save the marriage" and this was in Oct. and I said yes. He said then lets get you into counseling and that's all that was said. He has asked me several times if I think the counselor is helping or if my husband likes the counselor and I have told him I believe he is giving us good advice and that my husband does not like the counselor. But he has not asked lately so I have not talked to him about it. I am reluctant to tell anyone that I have pretty much decided to leave him because I am afraid for the safety of my pets and horses (my in-laws had their dog put down for no apparent reason while we have been living on the farm which highly upset myself and my sister-in-law). | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:33 AM Just Bring It - 2014-02-04 11:24 AM vtilson808 - 2014-02-04 11:00 AM I appreciate all your advice. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can to save our marriage. I do leave the book out for him to read but he seemingly ignores it and watches movies at our house or goes to his parents to watch tv and spend time with them when he is alone. I'm only 25 and can't stand the thought of trying to save this marriage because I would love to have children but I don't see this happening with him. I feel as tho its as much his parents fault as it is his that he has not matured. They have controlled him all his life and told him what to do and that has not left him with a mind of his own to make decisions. If anything were to happen to me he would not know half of what he would need to do to take care of the home, finances, pets, horses, etc. And that bothers me greatly. And that is not because I have not wanted him to learn or know how its because he has no interest in learning how to do it. He doesn't have much interest in a lot of things anymore. He comes home sits down on the couch and doesn't move except to get dinner and go to bed at 2 AM. I understand he is tired when he comes home from work and I am as well (we work in the same Coop but different stores) but there are particular chores that need to be done everyday or things in the house that can be done so that everything doesn't pile up and he procrastinates or doesn't do it at all. I feel so bad because I feel like I blame him for everything and that I make excuses for how I act to him and his family or that I am being selfish. Wow. Your story sounds so much like my best friend's! Her husband always had everything handed to him from his parents and he was coddled (sp?). They even had 2 kids by your age and he would rather play video games than get a job and his parents allowed it because he was in college (though taking only 1-3 classes at the most a day). They put her down left and right and made her feel like a horrible mother though she is one of the best moms I know especially for how young she was when she became a mom. He was a pathetic excuse for a husband and father. Then his parents bought them a house less than a mile away and rent it out to them. But I must say that he has really started to step up to the plate and has gotten a real job since graduating and puts forth an effort to be a good dad and husband. It took him longer but it seems he is going to make a man after all...lol.
Have you sat down and talked to his parents about it at all? Do they know what is going on? Is he fine with the idea of you leaving? I guess if you guys are to get things straightened out and you do still love each other then the next step should be to move away from his family. You two need to grow together and get out on your own. You are not his high school girlfriend. You are is wife! His partner in life! If he can't handle being that close to his family and have a family of his own then you guys need to make a change. I would nothing more than to move away from his parents but if I even mention the idea he gives me the most hateful "go to hell" look I have ever seen on his face. So I do not see that happening, and all because he grandfather spent the $ to buy the house just for us (which I do appreciate very much don't get me wrong or call me spoiled ). I really don't think his parents are going to be a help to anything because of the issues between his mother and I.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate the idea of a marriage ending especially when it is just starting out but it really sounds like you are alone in this. Does he know divorce is your next option if nothing changes? Does he fully understand how serious you are and how close he is to losing you? Don't make it a threat but let him know that divorce is your next step. If you have told him everything you have told us on here and he fully understands how unhappy you are and why and still isn't making an effort to change then it is time to sit down and have the "D" talk. | |
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Member
Posts: 19
Location: in my happy place... wishing I were on a beach | I think that he has an idea that it is but he is in denial about the whole situation. | |
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 Firecracker Dog Lover
Posts: 3175
| rodeomom3 - 2014-02-02 10:13 AM
My husband is fantastic, we have pretty much been on the same page our whole marriage- not alot to fight about. He is the person I must love spending time with. He doesn't say a word about how much I spend on the horses, truly wants me to be happy and if we can afford it, he will pay for it. We did have to have a little "meeting of the minds" when I started riding 4 years ago, it was not about the $$ but him paying attention to it. When the girls were riding our weekends were about them and their rodeos. When they went off to school he got into shooting sporting clays and that became his passion andhe was over the horses and barrel racing. I was happy for him but he got so wrapped up in it he would not ask how my runs were or acted interested in watching the videos. Hurt my feelings, I let him know, he felt really bad, apologized. Since that conversation 4 years ago, if he is not shooting he comes to watch or asks for the video and if I am not racing I go watch him shoot.
Go shooting with him rodeomom - he will flip over the moon. Seriously - very addicting sport. I don't shoot sporting clays but I shoot trap and it's fun. And it gives me something to do in the winter when I can ride. My hubby no longer shoots trap competitively but he LOVES sporting clays. :) | |
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Firecracker Dog Lover
Posts: 3175
| Skeeter777 - you and your husband (and daughter) are just the cutest!
I like to think it's 50/50 or 100/100, however you want to label it. Issues - yes? Rough patches - yes? Frustration - on occasion - on both our parts. You learn to give and receive - when you find that equilibrium it works. My husband is not a fan of my horses or my football addiction but he deals with it because he knew I loved those things before he married me. I want to barrel race every weekend but it makes him happy for us to go fishing as a family or shooting or whatever so I do it. Give and receive (I prefer that to give and take). Going on 17 years this year so we both must be doing something right. :) | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| brlraceaddict - 2014-02-04 5:34 PM
rodeomom3 - 2014-02-02 10:13 AM
My husband is fantastic, we have pretty much been on the same page our whole marriage- not alot to fight about. He is the person I must love spending time with. He doesn't say a word about how much I spend on the horses, truly wants me to be happy and if we can afford it, he will pay for it. We did have to have a little "meeting of the minds" when I started riding 4 years ago, it was not about the $$ but him paying attention to it. When the girls were riding our weekends were about them and their rodeos. When they went off to school he got into shooting sporting clays and that became his passion andhe was over the horses and barrel racing. I was happy for him but he got so wrapped up in it he would not ask how my runs were or acted interested in watching the videos. Hurt my feelings, I let him know, he felt really bad, apologized. Since that conversation 4 years ago, if he is not shooting he comes to watch or asks for the video and if I am not racing I go watch him shoot.
Go shooting with him rodeomom - he will flip over the moon. Seriously - very addicting sport. I don't shoot sporting clays but I shoot trap and it's fun. And it gives me something to do in the winter when I can ride. My hubby no longer shoots trap competitively but he LOVES sporting clays. : )
I have shot with him, absolutely no aptitude for it all, none, zilch. We have 10 traps here at the house and I will periodically shoot and I am still the worst you could ever be. I am the official puller now. I will stick to barrel racing, we go year round down here :). To say he is addicted is an understatement.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-02-04 6:13 PM
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