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Expert
Posts: 1549
  
Location: Southwest Louisiana | So I'm wondering what I should do here, if anything, to help these two. Little background - I'm the oldest of 4 kids. I'm 33, my sister is 30 and then my parents went and had 2 more about 10 years later. My little sister is now 21 and my little brother is 18 and about to graduate high school in May. My parents raised us in a very strict house, there were rules and consequences, high morals, personal responsibility, and a belt was used when I was little, though not often. The sister closest to me and I have both been married for 12+ years, each have 2 kids and steady jobs, etc. The "normal" stuff I guess. My parents are happy with this. My 21 year old sister is different......
She did like my other sister and I in school - great grades, showed in 4-h every year, rodeoed, etc. But when she graduated, she did things different. She's dyed her hair every color under the rainbow, she has large guage peircings in her ears, has a lip ring, and now has a large colorful tattoo on her upper arm to her elbow. All of those things are what my parents always considered bad things. Okay for others to do, but not their kids. Well, my opinion is my little sister is in her second year of college to be a veterinarian, she's held a waitress job at the same place for the last 2 years, has her own apartment (they do occasionally help pay a few bills) and is taking care of herself. My parents HATE it. My dad doesn't like it, but he doesn't give her any grief because he still wants to see her and have a relatoinship. My mom is going way overboard. She complains to me and my other sister all the time. Claims she can't stand to be seen in public with her, doesn't want to meet up and have lunch with her because of the way she looks. People who see my little sister then see my mom always ask my mom what happened to her. We are from a very small (gossippy) town and everyone knows everything. My mom hates that people see that one of her kids isn't "normal".
Now the problem is my brother's graduation. My mom just told me that she's going to tell my little sister she has to take her lip ring and large earrings out and has to wear long sleeves to cover the tattoos, or she isn't invited to my brother's graduation. Her reasoning is she doesn't want other people seeing her like that and talking about it and she doesn't want her embarrassing my brother.
I see the obvious things here - my mom needs to let my sister be her own person. She needs to stop telling everyone else how she feels and just talk to my sister. She also needs to not be embarrassed about a tattoo or peircing. But how can I get her to avoid telling my sister that she basically can't be herself, and has to wear long sleeves in MAY in southern Louisiana, because my mom doesn't want to see her tattoos. This is obviously going to hurt my sister and will probably really tick her off. She either won't speak to my mom after this, or she may show up to the graduation (it's open to the public) in the most hookerish outfit she can find, just to tick my mom off.
Aaahhhhh family.............
Edited by Rocket'sMagicGirl 2014-03-12 4:03 PM
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
 
Location: N Texas | Well unfortunately, you're not going to be able to change the way your mom thinks. Your sister is an ADULT and can do as she pleases. It's your brother's graduation, so he can invite who he wants. If she wants to go, she has every right to, but you should suggest to her to dress normally (normal for her, not hookerish). It's sad your mom is so embarrased by her own daughter, but good for your sister to strike out on her own and do what she wants.
As far as your mom complaining, when it starts, just excuse yourself from the room, or say you don't want to be a part of that and change the subject. Don't indulge her and hopefully she'll get the hint. |
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 Strong Willed Woman
Posts: 6577
Location: Prosser, WA | Wow, I think your mom needs to lighten up. Must be rough having a daughter in vet school. LOL. No answers for you though. Maybe ask your mom if it is really worth losing her daughter over these dumb things? |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | My advice to you is......stay COMPLETELY out of it.....because in the end they will both turn on you! Let them work it out for themselves. However, when your mother starts to complain about your sister, just say...."I am not going to discuss this with you and change the subject". If that doesn't work, leave the area. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | NJJ - 2014-03-12 4:21 PM My advice to you is......stay COMPLETELY out of it.....because in the end they will both turn on you! Let them work it out for themselves. However, when your mother starts to complain about your sister, just say...."I am not going to discuss this with you and change the subject". If that doesn't work, leave the area.
This is really good advice  |
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| I could never shut my kids out because of what they look like on the outside! I think your mom needs a wake up call on what is really important in life and not what "other" people think. I imagine she only wants what she thinks is best for her daughter but if your sister is in vet school and taking care of herself(going down the right path) then she should be proud of that and ignore the outer appearance. Your sister should respect her mother however and make every effort to make her feel comfortable, take some piercings out when she's with her, etc, just for the fact that that is her mother and if she wants to be left alone for the tattoos and piercing than maybe she can make an effort to hide them when she's with her mother. |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Your mom sounds very selfish...and I agree with njj..stay out of it.........M |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I would suggest that your mother has a heart to heart discussion with her priest/pastor/etc. Your mother is not following the bible.
I couldn't imagine a mother like that.
Other then that I suggest staying out of it |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | I think she will change the wilder things as she grows up more. Remind your mom to ease up or she will have no relationship with your sister in the future. Your sister is taking care of business and thats more important than hair color!!! All you can do is love your sister and remind her that your mother loves her to. |
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Regular
Posts: 56
| I agree with staying out of it, but I also think it's important for your youngest sister to know that you're on her side. Don't go out and advertise it to the whole family but just make sure she knows you don't feel the same way about her as your mother does. |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I think it's very sad. I don't like wacky color hair, piercings, too many tattoos (yes I have some but not a lot), etc....
But I also respect that some people enjoy that and honestly, as long as they are good people, that's what it's important. I wish your mom could just love your sister. God forbid if anything ever happened to your sister your mother would have a lot of regrets.......
Your mom worries way too much about what other people think. I think she's being beyond selfish. This is about your brother, it's his day. If he wants his sisters there, your mom needs to find a way to accept it and deal. |
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| FlyingJT - 2014-03-12 4:29 PM
I could never shut my kids out because of what they look like on the outside! I think your mom needs a wake up call on what is really important in life and not what "other" people think. I imagine she only wants what she thinks is best for her daughter but if your sister is in vet school and taking care of herself(going down the right path) then she should be proud of that and ignore the outer appearance. Your sister should respect her mother however and make every effort to make her feel comfortable, take some piercings out when she's with her, etc, just for the fact that that is her mother and if she wants to be left alone for the tattoos and piercing than maybe she can make an effort to hide them when she's with her mother.
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Very well said!!
Stop the political correctness non-sense ..........................>>>
Big sister should get with little sister and tell her that she still has 4+ years to go to become a vet and if she is going to accept money and support from her parents then RESPECT GOES BOTH DIRECTIONS!!
Take off the clutter and cover her tattoos and stop being a spectacle at family events and this includes little brothers high school graduation!! .. Little sister can dress appropriately at the event and meet up with some of her old classmates and then go enjoy a drink and some catching up while taking some selfies ... (see photo .. lol)
Tell little sister to use her late night restaurant crowd for the attention she is craving and respect her families wishes or family values while visiting etc etc .... This is part of being an adult and not a juvenile delinquent wanting to create havoc where there is none ..!!
Knowing just enough microbiology it puts me on the thinking side that people that are doing tattoo's and body piercings are going to find some long term medical problems as a result as they grow older and their immune systems change and some little microbe creates cancer or other long term problems ... It has been proven many times the human body has no tolerance for dyes/inks or unnecessary probing ...
This Red Cross list of non approvals for giving blood should scare the pants off of anyone that wants to mess with their body or do things that are acceptable with the crowd they currently run with ...... makes you wonder how they find a "clean" donor these days !!
http://www.redcrossblood.org/donating-blood/eligibility-requirement...
Edited by BARRELHORSE USA 2014-03-12 8:18 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 319
| If your brother is graduating from same school your sister went to, my guess is she will want those piercings and tats to be SEEN. And as others have said, it's her life. I hope your mom can get over it, take the high road. And I understand you want to help them both but you have absolutely no control and are not responsible for what either one of them do. Your mom needs to think of a lighthearted response to "what people say". Preparing herself for the "comments" is better than trying to control the world to avoid comments.
I'm not much good with snappy comments, but there are some very witty women on this board. If someone says something to her directly she can laugh a little, say ??? "So you noticed? Yes she marches to her own drummer. We love her very much." If she acts ashamed of her daughter she is only feeding the frenzy. But I am old enough, from the south and probably your mom's generation. I understand where she is coming from.
Good luck. |
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Expert
Posts: 1586
Location: west of East Texas | I agree somewhat with those that said to stay out of it if you are trying to 'win' one side over to the other. I'm not always good at censoring myself so if either asked me, I'd tell them how I truly felt and then be done with it. I wouldn't repeat myself.
I can give you another perspective that your sister may want to think about. My husband's 2nd daughter has made a lot of choices that were not a part of her upbringing and very much in opposition with her father's beliefs. It kills him every time she flashes some new ink or some other lifestyle choice that he sees as harmful and/or dangerous to her health and her children's psyche. I see the pain it causes him. I so badly want to rip her a new one when I see the pain or hurt in his eyes. I see this as a complete lack of respect for her father. She could exhibit some grace and restraint in her father's presence and do whatever the hell she wants to on her own time, IMO. I've swallowed my tongue and toned down my behavior in respect for my father on numerous occassions. It's not that hard to do for someone you love. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 357
| I am 10 years younger then my sister and 8 years younger then my brother. I am very different from my older siblings. I have had my hair all different color and like the change and like being different. I also get confused as my sister very often and never want to have the same hair color or cut.However never did anything permanent like tattoos. I have been pretty mild since I got married and had my little boy
Just cant image a mother being embarrassed of a child's appearance. She is out on her own, working and going to school. That is something to be proud of. She is not out on the streets and has a lot more going for her then most 21 year olds I know. Sad that we have such a judgemental Society!
Also don't get involved or if you have something to say to her dont talk behind her back. That is more hurtful I feel. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | You know...it sounds to me like your sister has good work ethic, put in the effort to succeed in vet school, and is a contributing member of society...not a delinquent by any stretch. She is kinda the classic example of why we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Good for her.
That being said. There is a time and place to be flamboyant and fun in our attire/appearance...and there are times when a more "conservative/professional" look is appropriate. And that's true wether we like to go crazy and wear flip flops and shorts in our off time...or...have big gauged ears/tats etc. I dress much differently for work than I do for a night out with friends. It's respect for the situation and circumstances. I wonder how she looked for the vet school interviews. I'm guessing she toned it down for those. She sounds like a sharp girl and she would likely know that as much as she likes the look she has...people are gonna be people. Better to conform a bit for the short period of time that it will take for the graduation in the big scheme of things.
After all...that day is about your brother...not her...not your mom. A compromise would be good here. Tone it down for the day. Not because mom said so...but because it's the respectful thing to do for the occasion itself.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I'm thinking that your sister is doing the BECAUSE she had such a strict upbringing. Some people respond well and some rebel. It sounds like she's not rebelling in anything other than her appearance, and your mom needs to realize that if she'd back off, your sister might actually try to look as normal as possible at big public functions. No, she can't take off her tattoos or reduce her piercings, but who cares, they are her decorations, like some people wear lots of jewelery or sequins!
Your mom needs a reality check. Adults can do anything they want to do, and they will. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I have a hard time with this stuff. I've gotten to the point when I see stupid crap like this in my family I call them on it and let them know they're being stupid and they need to grow up.
You know what? Life is short. I can't imagine being embarrased by a loved one. Here's a little story. My dad was born 100 yrs too late. He loved his life with cattle and horses. All of a sudden he stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard. He looked like a mountain man or Santa Claus with his gray hair and beard. When it came time for my wedding my mom and older brother were having a coronary about how dad looked. Dad asked me in private if I wanted him to cut it and shave. I told him I thought he looked fine just like he was. I wasn't taking sides and trying to cause family fights but all I saw was my hero, my dad. He ended up cutting his hair and trimmed his beard up. Made no difference to me. Move ahead a year and I was pregnant, he had grown it all back out. My 12 yr old little brother had a basketball game which my older brother, mom and I all met up and attended. Older brother and mom didn't sit by dad. I got there and plopped my big hippo belly next to dad and we watched the game. During half time mom came up to me and said - aren't you embarrased how he looks and your sitting by him? I was floored that this thought was even going through her head. I told her, no mom, I just see my dad. A matter of weeks later my dad died of a massive heart attack while working in the hay field. I think quite often of this but never mentioned any of this to my brother and mom after he passed. To this day my family knows if someone is being stupid, a little blond hurricane is going to come blowing into town and let them know. Life is short, you get one shot, love your family, be nice. |
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Expert
Posts: 1549
Location: Southwest Louisiana | That's the thing, my sister is as responsible as you'd expect for an average 21 year old person. She does make mistakes, like we all have, but she's not into drugs, she is a very kind hearted, generous person and is just trying to break out of that sweet little girl mode my mom has her locked into. She grew up dancing from elementary till high school, dance competitions and 4h were all she did. But she's tried hard to 'rebel' since all of that ended and my mom hates it.
I agree, my sister should dress for the occasion and be respectful, and I'm hoping she does that anyway. But I don't think my mom needs to insist she wear long sleeves and take every piercing out. I think that's going to cause a blow up on one side or the other. And I never take sides in this family. They're too crazy. I live an hour away from all of them and usually keep to myself and am the peacemaker. I think I'm going to try to talk to my mom before she says anything to my sister. Not in a mean way, but I want to at least let her know that she'll probably end up making things worse. And I do wish she wasn't so judgemental, but she's been that way forever. |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | I grew up in a small town, but I just can't wrap my head around a grown adult caring that much what anyone else thinks/says. Sounds like your sister is is doing a lot of the right things, work, school, not knocked up with some loser as the baby daddy. Most families have a black sheep or two, if it's just appearances, who cares? Life is way too short to be so **** shallow. Just let her be herself. Sorry, but your Mom needs a kick in the butt. She's the one acting like a spoiled brat. |
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | MS2011 - 2014-03-13 9:10 AM I grew up in a small town, but I just can't wrap my head around a grown adult caring that much what anyone else thinks/says. Sounds like your sister is is doing a lot of the right things, work, school, not knocked up with some loser as the baby daddy. Most families have a black sheep or two, if it's just appearances, who cares? Life is way too short to be so **** shallow. Just let her be herself. Sorry, but your Mom needs a kick in the butt. She's the one acting like a spoiled brat.
Amen Sista |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | MS2011 - 2014-03-13 9:10 AM I grew up in a small town, but I just can't wrap my head around a grown adult caring that much what anyone else thinks/says. Sounds like your sister is is doing a lot of the right things, work, school, not knocked up with some loser as the baby daddy. Most families have a black sheep or two, if it's just appearances, who cares? Life is way too short to be so **** shallow. Just let her be herself. Sorry, but your Mom needs a kick in the butt. She's the one acting like a spoiled brat.
My sister's MIL is like that. Everything she says or does revolves around what other people will think. The woman is psycho. |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Kind of in the same situation here except my mother is driving me out of the family and ridiculing me to her "friends" because of other superficial (and ridiculous) reasons.
The only thing you can do is quietly and politely as you can let your mom know that just because she doesn't agree with her youngest daughters choices, it doesn't make them bad. And let your little sister know that you still love her regardless because, it really sucks knowing that your mom who loved you for years can't get past superficial crap and would rather obsess over that than accept the individual she's becoming.
It's a tough spot for you to be in but don't get sucked into the drama and love them both.
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | Three 4 Luck - 2014-03-13 9:21 AM MS2011 - 2014-03-13 9:10 AM I grew up in a small town, but I just can't wrap my head around a grown adult caring that much what anyone else thinks/says. Sounds like your sister is is doing a lot of the right things, work, school, not knocked up with some loser as the baby daddy. Most families have a black sheep or two, if it's just appearances, who cares? Life is way too short to be so **** shallow. Just let her be herself. Sorry, but your Mom needs a kick in the butt. She's the one acting like a spoiled brat. My sister's MIL is like that. Everything she says or does revolves around what other people will think. The woman is psycho.
My FIL is also like this. He's a rich farmer that he and his wife each have a new Mercedes, new pickups, the fanciest houses. I know I'm an embarrasement to them. They've laughed at me, made comments about me in coveralls and full of manure. Personally I don't care. I'll be dipped if I'm going to bend over backwards to make someone like me just for what I drive or how I look. Something I learned from my dad. Be who you are, don't change for anyone, rock what you got. |
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | I think you should probably stay out of it....your mother is obviously old school and very traditional and equates tattoos and piercings with thugs...she's acting this way out of fear that everyone else thinks like she does and that she raised a thug for a daughter.....of course, the obvious anser is that your sister is smart, educated, and headed in the right direction with her life.....
Your mother needs to let your sister make her own choices and be proud of her accomplishments, but she is driven more by appearances than reality.... |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | CYA Ranch - 2014-03-13 8:13 AM I have a hard time with this stuff. I've gotten to the point when I see stupid crap like this in my family I call them on it and let them know they're being stupid and they need to grow up.
You know what? Life is short. I can't imagine being embarrased by a loved one. Here's a little story. My dad was born 100 yrs too late. He loved his life with cattle and horses. All of a sudden he stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard. He looked like a mountain man or Santa Claus with his gray hair and beard. When it came time for my wedding my mom and older brother were having a coronary about how dad looked. Dad asked me in private if I wanted him to cut it and shave. I told him I thought he looked fine just like he was. I wasn't taking sides and trying to cause family fights but all I saw was my hero, my dad. He ended up cutting his hair and trimmed his beard up. Made no difference to me. Move ahead a year and I was pregnant, he had grown it all back out. My 12 yr old little brother had a basketball game which my older brother, mom and I all met up and attended. Older brother and mom didn't sit by dad. I got there and plopped my big hippo belly next to dad and we watched the game. During half time mom came up to me and said - aren't you embarrased how he looks and your sitting by him? I was floored that this thought was even going through her head. I told her, no mom, I just see my dad. A matter of weeks later my dad died of a massive heart attack while working in the hay field. I think quite often of this but never mentioned any of this to my brother and mom after he passed. To this day my family knows if someone is being stupid, a little blond hurricane is going to come blowing into town and let them know. Life is short, you get one shot, love your family, be nice.
What a beautiful way of saying how much a little girl loved her daddy  |
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | Southtxponygirl - 2014-03-13 11:02 AM CYA Ranch - 2014-03-13 8:13 AM I have a hard time with this stuff. I've gotten to the point when I see stupid crap like this in my family I call them on it and let them know they're being stupid and they need to grow up.
You know what? Life is short. I can't imagine being embarrased by a loved one. Here's a little story. My dad was born 100 yrs too late. He loved his life with cattle and horses. All of a sudden he stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard. He looked like a mountain man or Santa Claus with his gray hair and beard. When it came time for my wedding my mom and older brother were having a coronary about how dad looked. Dad asked me in private if I wanted him to cut it and shave. I told him I thought he looked fine just like he was. I wasn't taking sides and trying to cause family fights but all I saw was my hero, my dad. He ended up cutting his hair and trimmed his beard up. Made no difference to me. Move ahead a year and I was pregnant, he had grown it all back out. My 12 yr old little brother had a basketball game which my older brother, mom and I all met up and attended. Older brother and mom didn't sit by dad. I got there and plopped my big hippo belly next to dad and we watched the game. During half time mom came up to me and said - aren't you embarrased how he looks and your sitting by him? I was floored that this thought was even going through her head. I told her, no mom, I just see my dad. A matter of weeks later my dad died of a massive heart attack while working in the hay field. I think quite often of this but never mentioned any of this to my brother and mom after he passed. To this day my family knows if someone is being stupid, a little blond hurricane is going to come blowing into town and let them know. Life is short, you get one shot, love your family, be nice. What a beautiful way of saying how much a little girl loved her daddy
Thanks Roxie. He was a Super Hero to me.   |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | Southtxponygirl - 2014-03-13 11:02 AM CYA Ranch - 2014-03-13 8:13 AM I have a hard time with this stuff. I've gotten to the point when I see stupid crap like this in my family I call them on it and let them know they're being stupid and they need to grow up.
You know what? Life is short. I can't imagine being embarrased by a loved one. Here's a little story. My dad was born 100 yrs too late. He loved his life with cattle and horses. All of a sudden he stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard. He looked like a mountain man or Santa Claus with his gray hair and beard. When it came time for my wedding my mom and older brother were having a coronary about how dad looked. Dad asked me in private if I wanted him to cut it and shave. I told him I thought he looked fine just like he was. I wasn't taking sides and trying to cause family fights but all I saw was my hero, my dad. He ended up cutting his hair and trimmed his beard up. Made no difference to me. Move ahead a year and I was pregnant, he had grown it all back out. My 12 yr old little brother had a basketball game which my older brother, mom and I all met up and attended. Older brother and mom didn't sit by dad. I got there and plopped my big hippo belly next to dad and we watched the game. During half time mom came up to me and said - aren't you embarrased how he looks and your sitting by him? I was floored that this thought was even going through her head. I told her, no mom, I just see my dad. A matter of weeks later my dad died of a massive heart attack while working in the hay field. I think quite often of this but never mentioned any of this to my brother and mom after he passed. To this day my family knows if someone is being stupid, a little blond hurricane is going to come blowing into town and let them know. Life is short, you get one shot, love your family, be nice. What a beautiful way of saying how much a little girl loved her daddy
Amen. That is a beautiful story and gift to your father's memory. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | sorrel horse ranch - 2014-03-14 4:01 PM Southtxponygirl - 2014-03-13 11:02 AM CYA Ranch - 2014-03-13 8:13 AM I have a hard time with this stuff. I've gotten to the point when I see stupid crap like this in my family I call them on it and let them know they're being stupid and they need to grow up.
You know what? Life is short. I can't imagine being embarrased by a loved one. Here's a little story. My dad was born 100 yrs too late. He loved his life with cattle and horses. All of a sudden he stopped cutting his hair and grew a beard. He looked like a mountain man or Santa Claus with his gray hair and beard. When it came time for my wedding my mom and older brother were having a coronary about how dad looked. Dad asked me in private if I wanted him to cut it and shave. I told him I thought he looked fine just like he was. I wasn't taking sides and trying to cause family fights but all I saw was my hero, my dad. He ended up cutting his hair and trimmed his beard up. Made no difference to me. Move ahead a year and I was pregnant, he had grown it all back out. My 12 yr old little brother had a basketball game which my older brother, mom and I all met up and attended. Older brother and mom didn't sit by dad. I got there and plopped my big hippo belly next to dad and we watched the game. During half time mom came up to me and said - aren't you embarrased how he looks and your sitting by him? I was floored that this thought was even going through her head. I told her, no mom, I just see my dad. A matter of weeks later my dad died of a massive heart attack while working in the hay field. I think quite often of this but never mentioned any of this to my brother and mom after he passed. To this day my family knows if someone is being stupid, a little blond hurricane is going to come blowing into town and let them know. Life is short, you get one shot, love your family, be nice. What a beautiful way of saying how much a little girl loved her daddy
This story just moves me. I can see this all playing out in my mind. You were very muched loved by your daddy too as you loved him. |
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