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Member
Posts: 7
| I want to start by saying I am not a new member. I have another screen name but it is too close to my actual name and I don't want to found by google search venting.
And this is going to be long. Feel free to read it or pass by I just needed to vent a little, well, actually a lot apparently.
One of my husband's best friend's (we'll call him Jim) terminated himself Sunday night. He and his wife had been separated for a few months and were in the midst of an ugly divorce. He went to her house to discuss custody, she had some awful demands and told him if he ever wanted to see his kids again he would meet them. They got in a verbal fight, he kissed his children good by and then left to one of their old high school hang outs.
The cops were called and attempted to talk him out of it. They then called his soon to be ex-wife (we'll call Mona) to help but she couldn't be reached. When they were getting no response from him they also tried to call my husband's other best friend (we'll call him Rob) and his wife (and she'll be Helen). They couldn't get a hold of Rob but his wife, Helen was on her way to the scene when he ended his life.
When Helen arrived at the scene she was informed of his self destruction. She said that Mona and Mona's mother (we'll call her Lucy) were there as well. She said that Mona seemed interestingly complacent, no tears, no grief, no since of sadness and Lucy was running him down telling the police and paramedics what a terrible person he was and that her daughter and grand-kids are better off with out him.
I couldn't imagine being Helen at that point. Helen and Jim had developed a very close sibling type relationship over the years.
My mother-in-law and Lucy are church buddies, and knowing this Mona asked Lucy to call my mother-in-law, tell her that Lucy needed to talk to my husband and asked if my mother-in-law would give my husband Lucy's number. (Mona has been no friend of my husband's or Jim's other friends since they first got together, they were civil and tolerated each other for the sake of Jim.) Thinking that it was Lucy that wanted to talk to my husband my mother-in-law called and gave him the number and my husband called it. Of course Mona answered because it was her number after all and preceded to tell my husband how it wasn't her fault. Agreed. She didn't actually pull the trigger but she was in no way any help to him in the months leading up to his demise. She beat him down and would tell him what a terrible person he was and how much better she could do. She hasn't knowingly allowed him to talk to any of his friends in the last two years and would use his children as leverage against him. She then tells my husband that if he would like to say anything at the services he would have to write it down so she could review it and read it herself at the service. She would be the only one other than the pastor who would be allowed to speak at the podium. My husband said she was cold and emotionless over the phone, very matter-of-factually. Like it was just another day and an inconvenient thing she had to do.
I guess she called Rob and told him the same thing. She went on about how terrible her life had been up to this point and that this would offer some relief to her and her children. Really? How is the father of your children's suicide relief to them? Mona told Rob the same BS about the speeches at the services as well.
Mona has also emailed several people and stated if they try to attend the service she will have them removed. She and her mother are running around town telling people what a horrible person he was and how awful her life was before he was gone. She is telling people that she was on the phone with him pleading with him when he pulled the trigger. She was not.
I just can't understand what Mona is trying to accomplish? It seems as though even in his death she is still trying to control everything about him. I also can't understand how a person can rip their spouse to such shreds that all that remains is a hopeless shell? |
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 Holy Macaroni!
Posts: 3957
   
Location: I am not FROM California I just live here! | Such a very sad a tragic end to life and what is sad is because she is concidered the surviving spouse no matter how horrible she is you have to just be quiet because yes she can boot you out as well......it in no way seems right at all.....you can just only hope some day karma will come calling and take care of her....those poor kids....this is so very wrong and I see why you are so upset....prayers and hugs for all the people who did love and care about him ......what a very very sad situation..... |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 720
| I am so sorry that you and your family and friends have to deal with this. Since Mona is being hateful about the service, I would suggest that all of Jim's friends get together at a location that was special to them, and have their own going-away celebration. Prayers for his children.
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  More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | Nothing you can do about it. The psycho ex wife has issues. I personally don't let people bully me. |
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Member
Posts: 7
| I believe there is a luncheon scheduled after the services and then his friends will be going to another old "high school hangout". It makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to hear what is happening down there.
"Helen" and I would like to set up a savings account for his children, to help preserve his memory for the person he was before, that can not be touched by her and that the children can collect when they turn 18. Unfortunately we would have to have their SS#s and a copy of their birth certificates, I don't think "Mona" would be willing to furnish those items unless she would financially benefit as well. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I'm sorry you are dealing with this terrible tragedy. I would not go to the service, but I can see how you would feel the need for the children. I am just afraid it will leave such emotional scars for you and your husband if the wife is going to be in charge.
Have your own personal service/rememberance for him at the old hangout you talked about. Hugs for you. |
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Posts: 33
Location: Florida | Sorry for your loss. Suicide is one of the hardest things to cope with. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have lost a few good friends to it. Ms. Mona sounds like she is just a POS. And based on her emailing friends of the fallen telling them they cant attend his funeral service is just trashy. If it were me, said emails would go viral amongst said community. Shes a bully that needs to be knocked off her high horse. There is no way I would heed to her advice. |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | What a senseless tragedy. It's so sad how mean people can be to each other and how righteous they feel about the things they say and do. I have seen loved ones torture each other to the point of no return, and for the life of me can't figure out what satisfaction a person gets out of hurting someone else to the core like that. It's heart breaking and I would have to agree with you in that I would have another "service" for anyone who wanted to attend....except Mona.....to honor the man he really was, not the man she is representing him to be. |
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Lickable I mean Likeable
Posts: 3965
Location: De Berry, Tx | I think I would have a memorial service for anyone but her and her mother to attend and just be done with it. You starting an account won't bring him back. She will more than likely receive social security benefits for herself and for sure for the children. You cant help what other people say and just know in your heart he was a good man. Keep tabs on the kids and if they are old enough let them know you are there for them. Be there for your husband as I a sure he is probably not going to let you know how bad this hurts him because of the trouble Mona I causing. Prayers to yall and the children. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | Usually the guilty person goes on a loud tyrade to clear their name. The truth usually comes out without the victim having to say or explain a thing. Prayers for the children. Consult an attorney maybe there is a way to set up a trust fund for the children without the mother having access. Most funeral homes have a memorial site online for words to be left by loved ones. Go there and state what you would want to say at the funeral. Instead of flowers and food friends should put into trust fund for the children so that ex doesn't benefit from those jestures but the children benefit someday. As already mentioned gather friends at the cemetary after funeral or another location instead of attending the funeral. Likely ex is hoping for conflict and gets enjoyment out of drama. Dont give it to her... |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | So why do ppl want to blame the ex.....to me the anger should be directed at the person that took their own life.......to me its a sign of weakness........I am not religious or anything like that but I am totally against suicide......MFlame suit zipped |
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| mruggles - 2014-03-26 1:34 PM
So why do ppl want to blame the ex.....to me the anger should be directed at the person that took their own life.......to me its a sign of weakness........I am not religious or anything like that but I am totally against suicide......MFlame suit zipped
good thing you remembered to zip it!
I don't think anyone is necessarily blaming her but her actions since have been very ugly! That's what everyone is upset about. She just lost the father of her children. No matter how much I disliked my husband(if I did, I don't) I would never wish something like that upon my kids nor would I act the way she is afterwards. You put the ill feelings aside and you remember the good about the person for their family and your childrens sake. |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Mona is telling people how awful he was because she doesn't want to be blamed for his demise.
Interesting that people tend to forget the responsibility the individual who commits suicide has in all of this. If his soon to be ex wife is that terrible - why did he commit suicide and leave his children to be raised by her? If he was the good influence in their life, he should have stayed around and weathered the storm for their sake.
Suicide is a very selfish act IMO. I realize that Jim was a tortured soul, but he could have sought help. Instead, he chooses to take the easy way out and leave his children to deal with the fact that they will not have a father. Worse, that their father left them because he took his own life. He didn't care enough about them to stick around and be there for them. Children of a parent who commits suicide usually have a very hard time dealing with it - for the rest of their lives.
Mona may be a biatch, not saying she is not. But Jim did a far worse thing than spread gossip. His act will cause pain for his family forever. JMHO |
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Member
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| FlyingJT - 2014-03-26 1:39 PM
mruggles - 2014-03-26 1:34 PM
So why do ppl want to blame the ex.....to me the anger should be directed at the person that took their own life.......to me its a sign of weakness........I am not religious or anything like that but I am totally against suicide......MFlame suit zipped
good thing you remembered to zip it!
I don't think anyone is necessarily blaming her but her actions since have been very ugly! That's what everyone is upset about. She just lost the father of her children. No matter how much I disliked my husband (if I did, I don't ) I would never wish something like that upon my kids nor would I act the way she is afterwards. You put the ill feelings aside and you remember the good about the person for their family and your childrens sake.
This exactly. I am not blaming. As I said she did not pull the trigger, he did. As FlyingJT said it is her reaction and her narcissistic behavior after the incident. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| WhiteMountainHorses - 2014-03-26 12:59 PM
I believe there is a luncheon scheduled after the services and then his friends will be going to another old "high school hangout". It makes me sick in the pit of my stomach to hear what is happening down there.
"Helen" and I would like to set up a savings account for his children, to help preserve his memory for the person he was before, that can not be touched by her and that the children can collect when they turn 18. Unfortunately we would have to have their SS#s and a copy of their birth certificates, I don't think "Mona" would be willing to furnish those items unless she would financially benefit as well.
I am so sorry that you and your family are experiencing this tragedy. Prayers for you all. I would have an extremely hard time not going off on his soon to have been ex-wife. I'm sorry for your loss.
Also - check into ESA's a little more - Education Savings Accounts. I think you can set them up as an extended family member with a little more leniency than a standard savings account. They can only be contributed to until the child is 18, they have limits on how much can be put in each year, and they can only be used for education bills ... but it could be a way to honor his memory with a positive thing of helping his kids with college bills. And you might be able to pitch it to the family as a "we want to help" thing ... just an idea.
ETA - only the child is the beneficiary, the "mother" cannot touch the money ....
Edited by lindseylou2290 2014-03-26 1:48 PM
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Lickable I mean Likeable
Posts: 3965
Location: De Berry, Tx | I dont think this is about Jim taking his life. This is about the fact that Mona is not allowing certain people to come to the service and has to monitor everything that is said. She is taking this and turning it into this is about her and she is in charge. Everyone will deal with Jims suicide differently but it is twice as hard when someone else is still reeking havoc all around him. I agree these children will have a hard time so will the ex actually because she feels guilt obviously. However the fact that he is gone doesn't hurt any less because he took his own life. I think it is worse because people start to question if they were there more for him would it be a different outcome. I dont think it is a sign of weakness. He was mentally beat down to a point he thought everyone would be better off with out him around. I will never understand it as I love life to much but there are people that actually think they are helping by killing themselves. Jmo |
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Member
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| Hollywood's Fan - 2014-03-26 1:40 PM
Mona is telling people how awful he was because she doesn't want to be blamed for his demise.
Interesting that people tend to forget the responsibility the individual who commits suicide has in all of this. If his soon to be ex wife is that terrible - why did he commit suicide and leave his children to be raised by her? If he was the good influence in their life, he should have stayed around and weathered the storm for their sake.
Suicide is a very selfish act IMO. I realize that Jim was a tortured soul, but he could have sought help. Instead, he chooses to take the easy way out and leave his children to deal with the fact that they will not have a father. Worse, that their father left them because he took his own life. He didn't care enough about them to stick around and be there for them. Children of a parent who commits suicide usually have a very hard time dealing with it - for the rest of their lives.
Mona may be a biatch, not saying she is not. But Jim did a far worse thing than spread gossip. His act will cause pain for his family forever. JMHO
I am not going to argue that what he did was terrible. To leave his children with no support like that is in my opinion the worst thing he could have possibly done for them.
Unfortunately when people fall that far into depression they don't see any other way out. Depression can be one of two things, something you can learn to deal with and manage or something that you can allow to consume and destroy you. Unfortunately for his children he was not strong enough to fight his own demons. Suicide is something that most people can not understand. I for one am one of those people. I couldn't imagine leaving my child in this world alone. Suicide is hard on all surviving parties. It is particularly hard on the children and even more so when they hear the surviving parent say such terrible things about the diminished one. The good memories are the ones that should be nurtured and remember, not the horrible things that consumed him. That nasty gossip will get back to the children at some point and it will be 10x as bad by the time it does.
My venting was not based off the actual act but off her handling of the situation. He was still loved by his children and by many family and friends. I do not think it is right of her or her mother to run him down or treat the service as an opportunity to cause drama. |
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Member
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| barrelracer4sure - 2014-03-26 1:52 PM
I dont think this is about Jim taking his life. This is about the fact that Mona is not allowing certain people to come to the service and has to monitor everything that is said. She is taking this and turning it into this is about her and she is in charge. Everyone will deal with Jims suicide differently but it is twice as hard when someone else is still reeking havoc all around him. I agree these children will have a hard time so will the ex actually because she feels guilt obviously. However the fact that he is gone doesn't hurt any less because he took his own life. I think it is worse because people start to question if they were there more for him would it be a different outcome. I dont think it is a sign of weakness. He was mentally beat down to a point he thought everyone would be better off with out him around. I will never understand it as I love life to much but there are people that actually think they are helping by killing themselves. Jmo
You took the words right out of my mouth. |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | I have no answers, but all I can think about is those poor poor kids. That last kiss good bye will be with them forever |
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 Expert
Posts: 1218
Location: Great NW | There are always two sides to the story - but as he felt so alone and desperate is so very sad. Prayers to all involved but most of all to his children. |
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| What a terribly sad situation for all.
She does not realize she is damaging those children-whether she likes it or not, they are 1/2 him. They can carry tons of guilt for a very long time because the last fight was about them. She should definitely slow her roll on that. Too bad narcissists rarely see the damage they cause to others.
IF they were separated legally, and he still has other living relatives she may not be the "next of kin" who gets to decide his final good bye. If he had a will, he might have named someone else to be the executor. Not a legal eagle by any stretch but I know going through my own divorce, that was one thing the lawyer said we had to do-right away was change my will and medical power of attorney. And it may not be something/a can of worms the family wants to open--keep the peace for the kids.
Prayers to all.
SMH at how cruel people can be.
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I didnt read all the posts on this but how old are the kids? Many prayers for these poor babys that now dont have a daddy because of a nasty fight with their mother, she sounds like a horribe person. |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | What about his family? If they were seperated then shouldn't his family have the say so on who or who is not at the funeral? |
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Member
Posts: 7
| Both children are not his by blood. The youngest who I believe is 7 is his, the oldest who is 11 or 12 he adopted. The oldest is her's from a previous soured marriage.
They were not legally separated yet. They were in the midst of the paperwork.
The obit came out this morning. She wrote it. It is nothing more than what he did and how painful his life was up to that day. There is no denying what he did, but I think it was incredibly tacky of her to include those details in the obit. 
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| Wow. This is sad, but she's digging her own hole. If people knew how good he was and know her, they will put two and two together and ignore her.
I'm sorry for all the people dealing with the loss and dealing with having to listen to her rant. |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | WhiteMountainHorses - 2014-03-27 1:09 PM Hollywood's Fan - 2014-03-26 1:40 PM Mona is telling people how awful he was because she doesn't want to be blamed for his demise.
Interesting that people tend to forget the responsibility the individual who commits suicide has in all of this. If his soon to be ex wife is that terrible - why did he commit suicide and leave his children to be raised by her? If he was the good influence in their life, he should have stayed around and weathered the storm for their sake.
Suicide is a very selfish act IMO. I realize that Jim was a tortured soul, but he could have sought help. Instead, he chooses to take the easy way out and leave his children to deal with the fact that they will not have a father. Worse, that their father left them because he took his own life. He didn't care enough about them to stick around and be there for them. Children of a parent who commits suicide usually have a very hard time dealing with it - for the rest of their lives.
Mona may be a biatch, not saying she is not. But Jim did a far worse thing than spread gossip. His act will cause pain for his family forever. JMHO I am not going to argue that what he did was terrible. To leave his children with no support like that is in my opinion the worst thing he could have possibly done for them. Unfortunately when people fall that far into depression they don't see any other way out. Depression can be one of two things, something you can learn to deal with and manage or something that you can allow to consume and destroy you. Unfortunately for his children he was not strong enough to fight his own demons. Suicide is something that most people can not understand. I for one am one of those people. I couldn't imagine leaving my child in this world alone. Suicide is hard on all surviving parties. It is particularly hard on the children and even more so when they hear the surviving parent say such terrible things about the diminished one. The good memories are the ones that should be nurtured and remember, not the horrible things that consumed him. That nasty gossip will get back to the children at some point and it will be 10x as bad by the time it does. My venting was not based off the actual act but off her handling of the situation. He was still loved by his children and by many family and friends. I do not think it is right of her or her mother to run him down or treat the service as an opportunity to cause drama.
No, it is not. Sounds like there is a lot of dysfunction to be spread around here. |
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Expert
Posts: 1218
Location: Great NW | Friends could write and submit their own obit..... |
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| speedjunkie - 2014-03-27 3:11 PM
Friends could write and submit their own obit.....
Think this is an excellent idea! I mean what is she going to do now....cut them off more?
It would be nice for them to do that, keep some copies of it for when the kids were older as I am sure they will never see it now. |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | First, my sincere condolences to friends and family who cared about Jim, such a tragic loss. Their heartfelt pain must be excruciating under the circumstances. Suicide is never easy to deal with as it goes against our own will to live. Those who are left behind ask themselves why they didn't see any signs, all the "what if's", and list many questions that will forever be unanswered... It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and is utterly devasting to those who care. My heart truly goes out to those whom are suffering.
As far as Mona and Lucy are concerned, you just have to let their actions/behavior role off your back. You can't control their tactless actions or their undesirable behavior, but you can choose how you respond. I would attend the service as a tribute to Jim and to support the children. Depart as quickly as possible. Then, the friends should gather and mourn in their own way, whatever feels right for them.
The children are the ones who will really suffer through this, such a tragedic event in very young lives. A kind word towards them and maybe a mention of "if you ever need to talk (about Jim)..." can be dropped into a conversation at an appropriate time and place. Put aside a few pictures, some happy memories to share with them at a later date. A simple shoulder now or whenever needed in the future is one of the greatest gift you can give them. Maybe create a scrap book that all the friends contribute to, a Tribute Book to Jim, would be a nice gesture.
Finally, I would pray every day for all involved, including Mona and Lucy. Pray for understanding, pray for God's will, pray that that you, your husband and his friends can find it in your heart to forgive Mona and Lucy one day. Pray for peace and love.
My sincere condolences for your loss... |
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Member
Posts: 7
| Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions. It was an extremely tough weekend for my husband. We went down Friday so he could hang out with "Rob" for the majority of the day. That evening "Jim's" friends had a bar-b-q so everyone could tell stories and have a few good laughs before the service on Saturday. They spent the evening and into the early hours of the morning dedicating burnouts in his memory (he was a die hard gear-head and drifter). It was decided that there would be a scrap book put together for his children to have when they are ready as well as a plaque dedicated in his name at an abandoned parking lot where they used to hang out.
Saturday morning was dreadful. It started with a Facebook post "Mona" called her "FAQ for the day" which was composed of her telling everyone that she was feeling no remorse or sorrow. That there were no tears or sadness for "Jim" or what had happened and that she just didn't know if she would ever have those feelings. She said that she felt bad for his friends and family and their kids but nothing from her.
"Jim" was not a religious man so we all assumed his service would be a memorial. I guess that's what we get for thinking. It was all prayer for an hour, and the pastor spent at least 5 minutes telling everyone what a senseless tragedy it was and how unfair it was for him to do it. I was without words. We all knew that already but did it really need retouched on at his service? No one but "Mona's" father and her spoke at the service. "Mona's" father told some stories about running the drift cars and then it was "Mona's" turn to speak. She wore a pure white flowing gown with a train. When she stepped onto the podium she was smirking, she did not shed a single tear the entire service. Then she started speaking. There was no kind words about him no stories of the time he spent with his children, in fact, her speech did not once mention anything about him. It was simply her telling us that now she would have the opportunity to start over, to make a new happy life for herself as well as a thank you speech to the community for all of the monetary support she received from the fundraisers she and her mother had already planned and held before he was even in the ground.
After the service they held a luncheon at the church. I didn't want to stay but I was out voted by my husband and mother-in-law and we attended. I couldn't help but notice that even at the luncheon her obnoxiously perky demeanor did not subside. All of Jim's friends tried to avoid her but she made a point of going to see every one of them. When she approached my husband and myself, I simply walked away. I suppose it was not the most compassionate thing to do but I really had nothing nice to say to her and it was best for both of us if I just walked away, especially after listening to her talk at the service and reading her Facebook post from that morning.
We followed the Saturday morning service up with a low key left-overs meal at "Rob's" house and then went to the parking lot where they hung out for a while.
I figured this weekend would be all we would hear about of his death for a while and then "Mona" wrote another FAQ of the day yesterday; here is an excerpt from her post "Sure you could have called him more, but would that have made his brain better? No. Yes, you could have told him you loved him and came over more often when you were living right down the street or when you were in town but would that have made his brain process things any differently?"
I couldn't help but feel like that was directed at my husband and Rob. I feel like she is dragging this pity party out and trying to make others feel bad for what had happened, and with that post she did a pretty **** good job. My husband is having a hard enough time with the whole thing. He was going to call "Jim" that weekend but never got around the phone. He learned when we were down for the service that there were only two friends that "Jim" didn't call that night, my husband and Rob. "Jim" told everyone he talked to that night when they saw or heard from "Rob" or my husband to please tell them know that he loved them and tell them good bye for him. My husband is having a very hard time with that info.
I am hoping that this will all pass and my husband will find peace in knowing that he was still loved by "Jim" even though they had fallen out of touch in the past two years. In the mean time I will keep holding my hubby close and listening when he needs a ear.
Thanks all for allowing me to vent and giving me all the wonderful suggestions. I really appreciated it and it helped me release some anger, frustration and sadness. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| prayers to his family and his kids. The ex-wife looks like the idiot. |
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 Road Rash Expert
Posts: 5501
Location: Near San Antonio, TX | Wow, Mona sounds like a real piece of work. I will continue to pray for your husband as he deals with this. This is just so awful for all involved. |
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I just need to vent a little, dealing with a friend's self destruction