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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
  
| This will be a long story but I need to tell someone who can't judge me face to face.
My mother in law is 72 years old and physically in great shape. Until Thanksgiving she went to my sister in laws house every Wed to clean her house. Her reason was my SIL has a 17 year old who needed my SIL to not be tired so she could get him up for school each day. Well thanksgiving the family went to the SIL's house to eat and no one went to pick up the MIL to take her so the next day the MIL goes on a food strike went 3 weeks with out eating much of anything. Needless to say she gets very sick she lives alone so we did not notice she was not eating as we never happen to be at her house at meal time. Fast forward my husband and I start going to her house every meal (we take turns) and making sure she eats. Then she decides she is going to double up on all her meds. She is on heart meds as well as Diabetes meds. She continues to get sick and it took a few weeks for us to realize what she is doing, when we did Husband and I started taking time staying with her all the time. (Daughter and Son refuse to stay and help with her) I work in health care (weekends)and suggested many things to help her but the kids didn't want to do anything I suggested. She finally got so bad last Wed that we had to take her to the ER she was admitted and now is going to a rehab center. While in the hospital this week she has decided to stop eating again, she will not get out of the bed making the hospital staff do everything for her. She has demanded that my husband be at her side 24/7 she does not care that he needs to work or that he has a family. We have not been to 5 horse shows in the last 3 years because we are afraid to get to far away. For about 6 months at least 3 times a week she would set the alarm system off and we would have to go check out what was going on. You may be asking what I have to do with any of this " well I have been in the family for 29 years and I feel that you marry for better or worse if my husband is going through this I can help him out with all of this. I teach in the health care field so I have fall, Christmas and spring breaks, This year I spent my Christmas and spring breaks sitting up with her at night so my husband could sleep at night.
My FIL passed away three years ago and the last 8 years of his life he did everything for her, he even put her underwear on her each day. When she would go take a shower she holler and tell him to get her clothes and come on. I always thought he was just a wimp but now I see what his life was really like. I would give any thing almost to tell him how sorry I am that I didn't step up and help him. I am not needing advice as to what to do with her just wanted to let it all out. Thanks for listening or reading. |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | Wow, here are some  |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| Holy crap. (((hugs)))
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | I am so sorry. I am the primary care taker for my 89 yr old mother and am going to give her an extra hug tomorrow. For you  |
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 Ditch the Stirrups
Posts: 5369
Location: Sorrow Not! Defending against workplace bullies | Wow 72 is not even that old anymore. |
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 Potato Soup Queen
Location: Alabama | I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| The thing is that until my MIL passed she could have run a marathon now she is mad cause her kids will not do for her the things her husband did.
My parents are 78 and 89 they are very active so when my husband sees them so active he gets mad at his mom and doesn't want to help his mom cause he thinks she is faking.
Thanks for the replies and hugs we need it. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I know you didn't ask for advice, but
You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives.
As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions.
When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home.
Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this.
She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation.
Hugs and prayers to your family |
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 Horsezips Number One Fan
Posts: 3519
Location: on a horse | OMG! Do you know my mother???
I so know exactly what you are saying and since I have taken the "well go ahead" attitude things in my life are much better.
As previous post says you have to just let her do it. She will see that NO one is going to wait on her hand and foot as she is DEMANDING and start doing for herself. It is hard and you will have slides backward but you have to stand your ground. She only wants attention and thinks since her husband did it all those years someone else needs to fill his shoes. You have a life and it will eventually kill you and she will just find someone else.
Prayers to you and start slow, just tell her NO, you are going home, you have a life also |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.
This is what really stuck in my mind as well. How sad for her. |
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 Member
Posts: 33
Location: Florida | I have known people like your MIL. In fact I have a friends mom that is going through something similar. You said she is physically in good shape. Do you think that you could push her into adding some spice into her life where she is not so dependent on you guys (or anyone for that matter). Like maybe getting her involved in say a bowling league or other hobby with people around her age that do fun things together, so she can make friends and actually be excited about doing? Then maybe it will make becoming independent (exciting &) easier on her.
After my grandfather passed my grandmother (who was in her late 80's) took up ballroom dancing (the lady never danced a day in her life, lol). Her and her lil ballroom friends did all sorts stuff from lunch dates to cruises and stuff that makes us job carrying folk super jealous. They certainly kept her light going! |
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| Sounds like dementia to me.
No advice, just hugs. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Hugs to you. I could see my sister's MIL doing that in the future. She's such a needy, whiny weenie-wad. Loves to make herself a victim to get attention. It's hard to find room for compassion for people like that. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| cheryl makofka - 2014-04-03 9:00 PM
I know you didn't ask for advice, but
You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives.
As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions.
When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home.
Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this.
She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation.
Hugs and prayers to your family
I agree with this. Just because she was use to being pampered by her husband doesnt mean she can throw fits and make your life miserable. You and your husband sound like you have a heart of gold. Going to her house a few days a week to give her attention and socialize is great but her being demanding is selfish. I hope you guys can find a healthy balance. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 831
| Three 4 Luck - 2014-04-04 9:13 AM
Hugs to you. I could see my sister's MIL doing that in the future. She's such a needy, whiny weenie-wad. Loves to make herself a victim to get attention. It's hard to find room for compassion for people like that.
What u said!! She sounds like my mother as well. I finally had to cut ties with her to keep my sanity!!
Prayers for u, and ur hubby!! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | cheryl makofka - 2014-04-04 10:00 PM I know you didn't ask for advice, but You cannot allow your MIL to control your lives. As long as she is mentally competent if she doesn't want to eat, that is her decision, she knows the consequences of her actions. When she becomes weak and fragile from not eating put her in a home. Or look at lodges now, I'm not familiar with what is available in the US but in Canada we have lodges that offer all meals, linen services, a nurse does medication rounds, etc. Maybe she needs this. She has many years left, don't put your lives on hold because of her. You both will age faster and become unhealthy living in this situation. Hugs and prayers to your family
i agree with cheryl..............
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM
I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family.
She was driving at that time. She was with the family all day. When we did not go pick her up she drove herself. She had just been out at the SIL's house the day before cleaning and cooking so my SIL didn't have to do it after work. SHE CAN DRIVE HERSELF she just knew all the family would be there and she had been calling telling everyone she was sooooo bad off and that my husband and I would have to come get her. She wanted the attention. |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | cavlier - 2014-04-04 2:24 PM Farrierlady - 2014-04-03 10:28 PM I feel bad that no one picked her up so she could be with family. She was driving at that time. She was with the family all day. When we did not go pick her up she drove herself. She had just been out at the SIL's house the day before cleaning and cooking so my SIL didn't have to do it after work. SHE CAN DRIVE HERSELF she just knew all the family would be there and she had been calling telling everyone she was sooooo bad off and that my husband and I would have to come get her. She wanted the attention.
Wow.
Hugs for you. Do not let that woman ruin your lives. She is an adult, if she chooses not to eat, she knows the consequences of her decisions.
Load up and go on vacation (without your cell phones). Enough of that nonsense. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| We have decided today to put her in a rehab center for 2 weeks so we are in hopes this will help her to get stronger and get her on a diet that will keep her blood sugar down. Since she has been in the hospital she has gone from 80 units of insulin a day to 15. She had raised her on meds to 80 it was not the Dr's orders. Again at her age we just did not feel we needed to watch her that close. We hope the rehab center will give her a little taste of nursing home life and she will decide that it is not for her. I agree that we should just say you want to die I will not stand here and watch you do it but my husband is not at that point yet, he feels he has to do everything in this world to keep her alive. I have tried to tell him that if he would not stress over her so much she would get up and do for her self.
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 You just got to get mean and mean it.
Location: Arkansas | I know you didn't ask for it, but heres my 2 cents.
After all that she all she does for the SIL, she deserves some consideration. ....Clean your own house. If you are hosting the family for a big dinner, do your own cooking. Tell that kid, at 17, get his owns self up and off to school.
It is beyond me why some generations think if they show consideration for a person, they feel put-up-on and ***** if they're ask to do something out of their way. Just remember, they'll be old one day too.
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| Just think... you're gonna get a two week vacation!    |
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 I Am Always Right
Posts: 4264
Location: stray dump capital of the world | MO gal - 2014-04-04 9:13 AM Sounds like dementia to me. No advice, just hugs.
This is exctly what I was going to say. My mom has Alzheimer's and she started out like this. My brothers refused to visit because she was so flippen nasty. My sister and I would snap at her. Now I feel guilty because my mom is in the latter portion of Alzheimer's where she has no idea who we are, she doesn't speak any longer and is a shell of her former self. Every now and again, she will tell me she loves me, that I'm a good girl or tell me my name...Koken. My name is Kathy. Close enough!
Watch your mother in law carefully. Google dementia and Alzheimer's to see if she has any of the characteristics. Sending prayers. |
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 I Prefer a Beard
Posts: 1944
| sophiebelle - 2014-04-04 3:59 PM
MO gal - 2014-04-04 9:13 AM Sounds like dementia to me. No advice, just hugs.
This is exctly what I was going to say. My mom has Alzheimer's and she started out like this. My brothers refused to visit because she was so flippen nasty. My sister and I would snap at her. Now I feel guilty because my mom is in the latter portion of Alzheimer's where she has no idea who we are, she doesn't speak any longer and is a shell of her former self. Every now and again, she will tell me she loves me, that I'm a good girl or tell me my name...Koken. My name is Kathy. Close enough!
Watch your mother in law carefully. Google dementia and Alzheimer's to see if she has any of the characteristics. Sending prayers.
I agree with this 100%, sounds like early dementia to me. I'm an RN and work in Home Health I see this on a daily basis. I would definitely consider that she may be in the early stages of dementia/alzheimers. I would talk to her doctor about the possibility. There is no cure but there are some meds that can slow down the progress of the disease. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| We have a psy eval in a couple of days to see if there is any Alzheimer's starting. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 720
| How did she get to the SIL's house every Wed? Why couldn't she drive herself on Thanksgiving? If she needed a ride, why didn't anyone (including you) go pick her up on Thanksgiving?
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 Princess Goontard
Posts: 4744
Location: Texas | I like to give old people a break. Maybe try not to be so angry and resentful towards her. She's getting on up there in years. So if you can give her the attention she needs without letting her manipulate you, try that. Old people can be lonely and panicky at the end of their lives. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| amyliz - 2014-04-04 10:05 PM
I like to give old people a break. Maybe try not to be so angry and resentful towards her. She's getting on up there in years. So if you can give her the attention she needs without letting her manipulate you, try that. Old people can be lonely and panicky at the end of their lives.
We spend 24/7 with her. We cook, clean, carry her out to eat, shopping, to visit new and old friends, wash her clothes and help her get her shower each day I don't know anything else we can do for her. We make sure we cook what she wants by asking what she wants to eat before we cook, once the meal is done she will eat maybe three bites then feed the rest to her dog. I just don't know what else we could do for her. The only thing we don't do is put her clothes on her and she want us to do that. |
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 New Word Inventor
Posts: 1506
Location: Who knows | LoudAppy - 2014-04-04 9:38 PM
How did she get to the SIL's house every Wed? Why couldn't she drive herself on Thanksgiving? If she needed a ride, why didn't anyone (including you) go pick her up on Thanksgiving?
They put their life on hold for her for years, it sounds like. I think they've done quite enough for her. It always seems that the family members that benefit the most from the older person, pitch in the least for them when life gets rough. I've witnessed this on more than a few occasions. I think resentments start circulating because of this. I say kudos for putting in the effort.
If she is mentally and physically competent and pulling this as a stunt, maybe straight out tell her you are putting her in a nursing home. If she doesn't want to be there, she'll do something about it.
If she is not mentally competent, an assisted living place is probably the best place for her to be. She can have people whose job it is to watch her there 24/7 rather than you folks who need to be working elsewhere, as well as have a home and family life elsewhere. It's very hard for people to take care of someone going downhill with dementia while they have their own lives to take care of. It's a big, big, big burden. I saw it happen with my hubby's grandma, and she had MULTIPLE family members trying to help take care of her.
They finally put her in assisted living home with her hubby (she was pretty far gone but he seemed happy about it since he was in on the decision), and she was downright nasty and physically violent toward anyone at that point. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| LoudAppy - 2014-04-04 9:38 PM
How did she get to the SIL's house every Wed? Why couldn't she drive herself on Thanksgiving? If she needed a ride, why didn't anyone (including you) go pick her up on Thanksgiving?
SHE COULD DRIVE HERSELF AT THAT TIME. SHE DROVE ON WED. SO SHE COULD HAVE DRIVEN ON THURSDAY. (THE VERY NEXT DAY) We have in no way neglected this woman. We have been with her 24/7 since the first week of December. My husband has given up work, hunting, working with the horses, cows, dogs every thing to take care of her. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| I went to see her in the rehab center yesterday she was so excited to see me. She jumped out of her chair and came to meet me at the door when she saw me come in. I was so hurt leaving her there but I know she is already getting better. She was all smiles and so happy to see me. Her daughter came in while I was there and she was happy to see her as well. She did tell me we had two weeks up there for her then she was headed home if she had to catch a bus. (LOL) She looked so good just like she did before my FIL passed. I really pray she is on the way to recovery. Thanks for all the comments. I truly hope those of you who have read only part of the comments from me will take the time to go back and read the entire post as we have done every thing we can to make this woman's life better we are not in this to make our on life better but we know what a strong and loving woman she can be and we want her to have that life back and not be unhappy. |
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| Going to throw my 2 cents in and say I agree but with some other thoughts. Not only think about dementia but what if she was screwing around with her medications before? When you're blood sugar gets really high or really low you can feel bad and your brain won't function correctly; same with high blood pressure/heart medications (making blood pressure too high or too low). Maybe not only a psychiatric evaluation for dementia but possibly a neurological evaluation for other problems.
It sounds like things are shaping up-thank the lord! But if it doesn't or keeps happening think about ruling out other causes before thinking she's just trying to get attention. Now, if everything else gets ruled out and she is just seeking attention--my granny always said "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you got".
Hope everything stays on a good course for you and your family! |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| farmer's tan - 2014-04-07 1:06 AM
Going to throw my 2 cents in and say I agree but with some other thoughts. Not only think about dementia but what if she was screwing around with her medications before? When you're blood sugar gets really high or really low you can feel bad and your brain won't function correctly; same with high blood pressure/heart medications (making blood pressure too high or too low). Maybe not only a psychiatric evaluation for dementia but possibly a neurological evaluation for other problems.
It sounds like things are shaping up-thank the lord! But if it doesn't or keeps happening think about ruling out other causes before thinking she's just trying to get attention. Now, if everything else gets ruled out and she is just seeking attention--my granny always said "If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you got".
Hope everything stays on a good course for you and your family!
A stroke was the very first thing we thought of so we have had an MRI of the brain which was normal and we have a Psychologist Eval set for April 15 even though she is doing so much better we want to make sure there is no pending Alzh. or Organic Brain Syndrome going on. Because she was still grieving over the death of my FIL the dr suggested we put her on some antidepressant and that has worked wonders. May be she was just depressed all this time. We are not ready to give up on her and just say she is seeking attention. |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | Look into a retirement type setting for her where there are people around but yet she is still independent. It might be right up her alley. As for the SIL...it's time she cleans her own stuff etc. It really sounds like she's trying to get hubby to replace dad if that makes sense. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| docschic - 2014-04-07 3:31 PM
Look into a retirement type setting for her where there are people around but yet she is still independent. It might be right up her alley. As for the SIL...it's time she cleans her own stuff etc. It really sounds like she's trying to get hubby to replace dad if that makes sense.
That is what we are thinking. He did every thing for her including put her clothes on her each day. She has always said that her kids were going to take care of her when she got ready for them to. She is doing sooooooo much better. She will be home next Tuesday from rehab they say she is in great shape and can do for herself. We do have a lady that will be sitting with her during the day just to keep her company and to give this lady some money(she is 54 and her work place just closed so she can't find a job) Things are looking so much better all around. Thanks for all the words or encouragement. |
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Vent LONG