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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 443
 
Location: Southern IL somewhere between KY and MO | totally off the subject and here is the only place i can complain FB all the family sees it so here goes. I married my husband 6 years ago with him came 3 grown a$$ kids and grown i mean 2 had babies of their own. The oldest who is 32 and only son is getting married this weekend. My husband does not work and I am out on the road doing 60+ hrs a week as a travel nurse.
Well they called him and asked him if he could pay for the rehearsal dinner never called me. Now the real mother is a worthless POS and will not help with any expenses.
Do I have a right to feel offended that they did not ask me to help with expensive now they have my phone number and can contact me on FB. and should i be insulted that they did not invite my children to the wedding?
And third would I be a terrible person if I left after the I do's and go to a barrel race?? Which I would rather be at then this wedding that I see ending in 3-5 yrs.
Edited by coco~n~cash 2014-04-23 7:02 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Maybe they don't feel comfortable asking their step mom to pay for it ya know? My step mom's been around for 14 years and I still don't ask for money, just makes me feel like it's not her job as much as I know she'd help me at the drop of a hat. I would probably feel a little offended if they didn't invite my children, but that also depends on the size of the wedding and how close they feel to you all. I don't think it'd be a big deal to go to a barrel race afterwards as long as you make your presence known and show them you care. That's just all my opinion though! Good luck with everything!! |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | It's your money, do what you feel is right. If he is 32 he pay for his own wedding dinners or he should not be getting married. |
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
 
Location: Louisiana | I find it strange that the weedin is next weekend and they haven't planned the rehersal dinner yet...
I wouldn't expect them to contact you specifically, but it would've been much more polite, proper, whatver to ask the both of you, IN PERSON.
Typically, the groom's family does pay for the rehersal dinner, but I don't think it is something that should wait until the last minute.
As for your other questions about your kids and leaving after the ceremony...That all depends on your relationship with your stepson, and your kids' relationship wih him.
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  More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I have to question the fact that your husband isn't working? I guess I don't know the entire story but I don't think the mother is the only worthless POS. In my opinion I guess you need to ask your husband where he's getting the money to pay for it. |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | from their point of view. you guys have been married 6 years and that's not enough time to get comfortable with you paying for their things. they probably assumed dad would then ask you. but it seems your opinion of them might be the same as their opinion of you. you kids probably wouldn't want to go to the wedding anyways. and if you want to go to a barrel race anyways don't bother going to the wedding. I would find that leaving to do something so recreational is more rude than even bothering to show up in the first place. Send a gift and a card.
Taking everything at face value as you wrote it, and I don't want to offend you. just as an outsider looking in. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | If you're not close enough to his kids that you would rather be at a barrel race than their wedding, which is a monumental once-in-a-lifetime milestone, then I can see where they would not be close enough to you to ask for you to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
I don't see how you could be offended by them asking their dad, because the way I see it your feelings for each other seem mutual. Same logic applies for them not inviting your kids. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | With Dad not working...the kids should NOT have asked him to pay for the rehersal dinner. They are long grown and if he didn't approach THEM to offer...it's poor manners in my view to ask an unemployed person to pay for it....period. In essence...they would have to have known that it would be YOUR earnings that would be used to pay for it in the end. And that you have just one income. If they didn't want to ask you...they shouldn't have asked him. Tradition is not Obligation in my view. Also...is this the 32 year old's first wedding or? That matters too. If anything...you guys should only pay 1/2 as the bio-mom should pony up her half.
That all being said...it sounds to me as though you don't have a high opinion of the kid or his soon to be wife. (may be well justified...I don't know)...so I can see how they'd not want to ask you. And...it sounds to me like you don't care enough to even want to attend. How does hubby feel? He will be going...would you be willing to go in support of him? A barrel race shouldn't trump accompanying him to his only son's wedding...reguardless of your lack of close relations ship to the son. (Although I'm TOTALLY with you on a barrel race being a WHOLE lot more fun than any wedding...lol )
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 443
Location: Southern IL somewhere between KY and MO | First off Husband doesn't work because of back injury 2 surgeries and he is my barn man for now.
Second when I first met the son hubby and I went on vacation together and he decided to steal my car.....
Third the rehearsal dinner has been planned for sometime I'm just *****n cause I know ya'll will tell me to cowgirl up and deal with it. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| Go to the wedding, even if you don't want to. Make him pay for his own dinner, he is a big boy. Make a small gift in cash as a wedding present (to help with the cost of getting married). |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 443
Location: Southern IL somewhere between KY and MO | Wedding Update...Son had lunch with dad and is having second thoughts. Said but we've spent all this money on the wedding...OMG LMBO divorce will cost so much more. Hmmm seems Mama Coco might not have to go after all. |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | BS Hauler - 2014-04-23 8:30 PM It's your money, do what you feel is right. If he is 32 he pay for his own wedding dinners or he should not be getting married.
This. At 32 years old why would he expect any help to pay for a wedding? That is ridiculous. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Ok...I know this will earn me a big whack upside the head...but if he has a back injury and 2 surgeries keeping him from working...how can he be the "barn man"...that implies cleaning stalls, feeding horses etc. I have had back surgery...major back surgery with hardware installed...and my job is not a problem...it's the barn work that hurts. That statement just made me wonder about that.
Lately with the home repairs/renovation...cleaning up downed trees etc from the ice storms this winter... Heck...I go to work to get some rest!
Any rate...if the kid is having second thoughts...he needs to think long and hard. The knot can be tougher to undo and surely more costly. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Eh....Idk....I'd talk to my husband and see what his expectations of me were. 1-) hubby has no job, so technically he can't pay for anything (problem solved there, no dinero's, no can pay). 2-) I don't think it's your place to foot this bill (if asked and you wanted too cool, but no ask means no have to do anything) 3-) I wouldn't be upset that they didn't invite my children, may make them or the Mom feel uncomfortable 4-) it would be tacky to go to a barrel race after the I do's (sadly, you will have to sit there and suck it up for one day. Hopefully, they can afford the booze and you can at least get a good buzz.)
Any further questions, let me know lol. |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Since my hsuband has the children from hell here are my answers - If husband is not working, no, unless they ask you specifically - no money for the dinner. 2. Your kids probably don't want to go and you shouldn't feel bad. The other people aren't worth their time. 3. As this states - it would be tacky to go to a barrel race after the I do's (sadly, you will have to sit there and suck it up for one day. Hopefully, they can afford the booze and you can at least get a good buzz.)
I am hoping that if I have to go to my husband's children that they - 1. Supply booze, or 2. I can fit a flask in my small purse. They now sell "airplane" size bottles at my liquor store so either way I will be set. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | BS Hauler - 2014-04-22 9:30 PM
It's your money, do what you feel is right. If he is 32 he pay for his own wedding dinners or he should not be getting married.
100% agree.......he's an adult, you shouldn't have to pay for anything |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Most of you are saying he has no right to the money since he does not work!
So you are saying since he is not the bread winner of the family he is entitled to no money.
That is financial abuse. Withholding money from a spouse.
To the OP what you have said on here please go back and read it as it makes you sound selfish and mean.
I don't know you and you may not be that way, but the way you wrote, I feel sorry for your husband as if you said what you have on the forum to him it puts him in a bad spot.
Also you are planning on going to a barrel race rather then supporting your HUSBAND on a very special day for him.
What do you think people are going to think about your marriage when you are barrel racing rather then being by the side of the man you love on a very special day?
To me this has nothing to do with your step son, it has to do with YOUR marriage, and YOUR love for your husband.
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | well..i wouldn't dish out one red cent and i wouldn't even show for the i do's.terrible cough you know..cough cough..........and then id be off to the barrel race.....................and im very serious.........:)
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 9:52 AM Most of you are saying he has no right to the money since he does not work! So you are saying since he is not the bread winner of the family he is entitled to no money. That is financial abuse. Withholding money from a spouse. To the OP what you have said on here please go back and read it as it makes you sound selfish and mean. I don't know you and you may not be that way, but the way you wrote, I feel sorry for your husband as if you said what you have on the forum to him it puts him in a bad spot. Also you are planning on going to a barrel race rather then supporting your HUSBAND on a very special day for him. What do you think people are going to think about your marriage when you are barrel racing rather then being by the side of the man you love on a very special day? To me this has nothing to do with your step son, it has to do with YOUR marriage, and YOUR love for your husband.
I'm with you on this one. When women work at home and the man works outside of the home, we get all bent out of shape when the man withholds money from the woman. It's not different from the women working outside, man at home.
Go to the wedding (if there is one) and support your husband. Barrel races are every day, weddings, for the most part, are not. It's just a few hours. As far as the rehearsal dinner, I would just pay for it. It's a wedding gift, and it's probably not going to be an outrageous amount of money. The groom's parents typically pay for it anyways. If this is his second marriage, no, I would not pay. I don't care if he is 32. I understand your frustration with the son not asking you, but it is what it is.
PS - If I made enough money, my husband would not work outside the home. It's 2014 ya'll. |
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| Son answered his own problem. Second thoughts mean you do NOT get married. Simple solution... And at 37, asking dad for money..... nope.. You're a big boy now... |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | This is not a young man that is just starting out in life, he's a 32 year old man, he and his wife to be should be paying for their own stuff. Does this 32 year old have a job? Is this his first time to get married? And I would just tell them to go to a JP and get married. Will save some money.
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2014-04-24 12:55 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | My thoughts on the income situation, are irregardless of who makes the money, I would want my husband to tell his child, that he will discuss it with me and let him know.
Since the son is 32, and was 26 when you two got together, I can see where you aren't real close to his kids. I married my husband when his kids were 3 & 4, & I am still not close to his oldest child. Mainly because of interference from the mom & a whole bunch of crap. So I can see why the son didn't ask you, which should be no big deal as long as hubby said he'd discuss it with you!
The son knows you barrel race, and as long as hubby & you discuss the leaving to go to said barrel race, then I see no reason why you shouldn't go.
IMO!
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | Son should pay for own stuff..
You should go to wedding with your husband and its his son. only if its his first wedding.. imho.for your husband if no one else.. you married him knowing he had kids.. good or bad..
Edited by Bibliafarm 2014-04-24 6:18 PM
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 Transplant Okie
Posts: 1206
Location: Always on call..... | Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage??
Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it?
I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. |
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 Goat Giver
Posts: 23166
| Dr. J - 2014-04-24 10:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that.
Having a wedding that costs $$ is a choice, not a necessity. I paid for much of my son's because I was able to and I WANTED to. However, I probably spent less than $500 because they kept it simple. Family only, dinner after at a local steakhouse, I cooked the rehersal dinner. They are just as married as they would have been if we spent $50,000 and my grandaughter should be here within a week or two. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | kmcsunshine - 2014-04-25 6:22 AM Dr. J - 2014-04-24 10:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. Having a wedding that costs $$ is a choice, not a necessity. I paid for much of my son's because I was able to and I WANTED to. However, I probably spent less than $500 because they kept it simple. Family only, dinner after at a local steakhouse, I cooked the rehersal dinner. They are just as married as they would have been if we spent $50,000 and my grandaughter should be here within a week or two.
Sort of an aside, but I had a moderately expensive wedding. My folks paid for most of it. I did not ask- they offered the money when we got engaged (We were 26). My parents did not have much of a wedding, and my mom REALLY enjoyed having a big party. They wanted to offer me the money of their own accord, because it was a suprise to me when they did so (aka I didn't ask). So realistically, if the family wants to pay, I don't see anything wrong with that. I owned my own home at the time, worked, etc etc. Personally, I'm glad I had the wedding I did.
That being said, this situation is way different, but sorry OP, sounds like you should just suck it up and deal. Making a big deal about stuff at this point probably won't change anything, and it will just make you look bad. And skip the barrel race... there will be others, and honestly it ain't worth hearing the b****ing that will likely follow you afterward. Unless they don't want you there, I'd just go to the reception for your husband's sake and tough it out. Put on a brave face and be the bigger person. |
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | kmcsunshine - 2014-04-25 6:22 AM Dr. J - 2014-04-24 10:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. Having a wedding that costs $$ is a choice, not a necessity. I paid for much of my son's because I was able to and I WANTED to. However, I probably spent less than $500 because they kept it simple. Family only, dinner after at a local steakhouse, I cooked the rehersal dinner. They are just as married as they would have been if we spent $50,000 and my grandaughter should be here within a week or two.
You're going to be a Granny!!!!???? OMGosh congratulations!!! |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| CYA Ranch - 2014-04-25 7:04 AM kmcsunshine - 2014-04-25 6:22 AM Dr. J - 2014-04-24 10:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. Having a wedding that costs $$ is a choice, not a necessity. I paid for much of my son's because I was able to and I WANTED to. However, I probably spent less than $500 because they kept it simple. Family only, dinner after at a local steakhouse, I cooked the rehersal dinner. They are just as married as they would have been if we spent $50,000 and my grandaughter should be here within a week or two.
Congrats on the new baby!!!! |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Dr. J - 2014-04-25 9:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that.
Because at 32 years of age he should be on his feet well enough to pay his own way. If the family wanted to help pay his expenses and offered to do so, that would be differnet. But to expect it at that age is ridiulous. What if he waited until he was 50? Should the parents who are now looking at retirement, be expected to pay then too? You don't need financial help for a wedding, actually. You need financial help if you want to throw a shindig. In reality, you can get married for a couple of hundred bucks. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Hollywood's Fan - 2014-04-26 10:38 AM Dr. J - 2014-04-25 9:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. Because at 32 years of age he should be on his feet well enough to pay his own way. If the family wanted to help pay his expenses and offered to do so, that would be differnet. But to expect it at that age is ridiulous. What if he waited until he was 50? Should the parents who are now looking at retirement, be expected to pay then too? You don't need financial help for a wedding, actually. You need financial help if you want to throw a shindig. In reality, you can get married for a couple of hundred bucks.
It's like 30 bucks at the courthouse. lol |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| barrelracr131 - 2014-04-26 11:12 AM Hollywood's Fan - 2014-04-26 10:38 AM Dr. J - 2014-04-25 9:44 PM Okay why is everyone saying the son should pay for all his own wedding expenses just because he is 32??? If it's a second marriage I would agree, but as someone who got married in my late twenties I never understand this sentiment. Aren't we always telling young people to go to college, get an education, experience life, etc and to not rush into marriage?? Because someone does this, and waits until they are older to get married they don't deserve any financial help for the wedding from their family? Whereas if he got married at 22 no one would think twice about helping to pay for it? I realize the OP's stepson is having second thoughts which changes the situation. But many of you posted that the son didn't deserve anything paid for because he was 32 before she posted that. Because at 32 years of age he should be on his feet well enough to pay his own way. If the family wanted to help pay his expenses and offered to do so, that would be differnet. But to expect it at that age is ridiulous. What if he waited until he was 50? Should the parents who are now looking at retirement, be expected to pay then too? You don't need financial help for a wedding, actually. You need financial help if you want to throw a shindig. In reality, you can get married for a couple of hundred bucks.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-04-26 12:07 PM
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![](<a href="http://s1191.photobucket.com/albums/z470/alicat0909/?action=view¤t=yellaandcalf.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i1191.photobu) Heeler Hater
Posts: 3014
Location: Texas | If its his first marriage id pay for it.
Even if I didn't like my stepson (i dont have any lol) Id go to the wedding and stay for the reception. My ex father in law didnt go to mine and my first husbands wedding and even though we hated each other it would have been nice for my then husbands sake.
Cowboy up and go to the wedding. Suck it up and pay the bill...if its first marriage. If not hes on his own.
Embrace the step son and his new wife. Trust me, all of my ex's families hated me (boyfriends and ex husband alike) it was torment on me. I always felt so out of place. Nothing worse then going to a family function to be respectful and everyone hating you. Let by gones be by gones.
My husbands family loves me and I enjoy it so much more. And our relationship isnt strained because of it. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Cowgirl up get over it and give the money with the thought that you helped someone that needed it and go to the wedding there will be another barrel race but their will never be another first wedding for your stepson. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 974
Location: USA | I understand being aggravated/offended about the step son not calling you and asking you to foot the bill, and honestly, being a stepdaughter myself, I would have never called my step mom either for anything like that - even though she's been in my life since I was an infant. But my question is, why didn't your husband discuss paying for the rehearsal dinner with you?? That is what I'd be more annoyed with. I think any big expense should be discussed between the two of you, not just one person making all the decisions. I make more money than my hubby, but any big expense, we discuss it, regardless of who's account the money is coming out of.
Secondly, how old are your children? Are the kids even friends? Do they talk to each other outside of family functions?
And third, I think it would send a really negative message if you left after the I do's, even though you predict the demise of the marriage in 3-5 years. It's not only offensive to your step son, it's also offensive to your husband. One of my bridesmaids did this to me on my wedding and it was incredibly offensive. And you're the step-mother of the groom, you just can't do that and not think there will be hurt feelings and repercussions.
Blended families are hard. I grew up with a stepmom and a stepdad, and I am now a stepmom myself. They are incredibly hard to navigate. Taking the high road isn't always easy. And sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do, and put someone else before yourself. It's just for a few hours anyway. Come on cowgirl, put your big panties on and deal with it  |
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wedding....Update