|
|
  Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
   
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I've posted often about hubby's parents. It's become obvious they will never "approve" of me. And I don't care. I've learned they are the most ungrateful, selfish, self centered people I've known. But I don't think they mean to be....I really don't. And no matter how they feel about me, they will always be his parents and I will always do my best to take care of them.
But now they are making my husband miserable. Nothing is ever good enough. He's an AIT Platoon SGT and works horrendous hours, but they get mad and give him the guilt trip if he's not at their beck and call. Even after a 24 hour shift they expect him to drop everything and do stuff for them. And the hard part is that I'm only a phone call away but they won't always call me (they do sometimes.
Anyways, every time we do stuff with/for them, each complains about the other, and they both talk about wanting to move back home.
We moved them 3.5 hours out here with us for two reasons, one because the health care system is way superior for them both, and two, because since we have no children and I work for myself, we can more easily take them to appointments, shopping, etc etc. Even when they lived a block from family back in their hometown they couldn't get any help.
But now I am about at my wits end with how they are making my husband feel. He is NOT a failure, in any way shape or form. I don't give a rats behind how they feel about me, but when I see what they do to him, it's a whole new ball game. I've very protective of him. He's way more sensitive than I am.
Anyways...I leave in a little bit to take them to doctors appointments. Should I just confront them and tell them if they are that freaking unhappy here to just go home? My husband wants to take care of his parents. I want to help him take care of his parents. We both feel like it is not only our duty to as they age, but also our desire to be helpful. But he was so upset last night that he admitted he wanted them to just go home since they seem so unhappy. But he won't tell them that. He wants to be the nice guy. I've been wanting to say something for months but respect my husband enough not to.
I would never in a million years make him choose between me and anyone else. I can cope with anything his parents throw out there. But their attitude is pushing him away and essentially making him choose to not want to be around them.....and that's horribly sad if you ask me :( |
|
| |
|
 Midget Lover
 
Location: Kentucky | You can help them until you are your husband are blue in the face, but at the end of the day, if they are treating him AND you like that, it's really not worth it to be that miserable. You can't pick family, but you can control how you are treated. I've wrote off some family members before because they are so miserable that they want to bring everyone else down with them.... I just don't live life like that. |
|
| |
|
 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Well, we finally have something in common. My husband's mother and family are the same. His mother is actually moving from her home this weekend to an unassisted villa 3 miles from his brother's home. But, who is helping and lives 50 miles away - us. His brother only wants his mother's money one day and does nothing. It is my husband she calls. Not the brother. And, she treats my husband like crap. Never good enough, never comes when she calls (quick enough) so terribly ungrateful to say the least.
My husband has been on the edge of a breakdown, to the point that he had an "attack" which turned into a fib last week. He always feels like dirt and that he is nothing to the one person he loves as much as me. His own mom. I say don't say a word to the in-laws. It will only give them fuel. Keep your chin and and keep doing the right thing. I am like you too, I wish though I could do things with a happier heart and know it was appreciated. As far as hanging out with his parents, choose your time and when you two want to be there. We got rid of the brother two years ago and have not seen nor talked to them. They are poision. Life is too short to be miserable. You can't pick your relatives, but you can pick which ones to hang around.
Hugs to you!
Edited by 3canstorun 2014-04-24 10:09 AM
|
|
| |
|
 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | well your a better person than i am.........good luck
m |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | The good thing is that they can't get to me. I've come to terms that I will never be good enough for them. Unless I sell my horses and pop out babies left and right. And I've learned over the years to let go of things so I can be happy. So they don't make me miserable. But they do make me very very angry when I see how this is affecting my husband. He is already on the verge of a breakdown from work related stress. Thankfully we have been working on a plan for that (he is taking more leave then he used to so he can get breaks from work).
And I am very very protective of him before myself. |
|
| |
|
The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia.
Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers.
A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad.
That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves. |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 1857
| Don't say anything.... it's your husbands place to say something. Unless the ask you about it, maybe, but I wouldn't be the first to say something. Might make it worse for husband in the long run. Sorry you have to deal with that. |
|
| |
|
 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I would encourage you to let HIM have a talk with them, or the two of you together, but I wouldn't try to handle it on your own. He needs to be the one to tell them to pull it together I think, and you need to be sitting beside him when he does. They should respect the both of you and your marriage and be greatful for the things you choose to do for them and help them with. Maybe they don't realize the things they say and do to the both of you are as hurtful as they are. Good luck...that is a very tough spot. Gotta teach them how to treat you and they must know where the boundaries are for the both of you. I'll be praying for you, your hubby, and his parents.  |
|
| |
|
 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | missroselee - 2014-04-24 11:19 AM cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
i think you just answered your own question.... I would definately talk with your husband and make sure he is on board with you adressing this with his parents..... if he is anything like me.... im just his sounding board and he can face tomorrow if he just gets it off his chest the night before. so i just let mine talk.... its how we work. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I want to say something to them so bad today but I've kept my tongue for months now for my husbands sake. He hinted around this morning that he almost wanted me to say something, probably to get the ball rolling for him to say something, but I'll wait and just talk to him more about it. If I would say something, I would do it gently, as gently as I could anyways, but I'll wait for now.
Edited to add since we learned a long time ago that his parents will never like me or approve of me, hubby and I made a pact that when we ourselves deem it appropriate, we will let them believe I am the "bad" guy for the sake of making things easier on him. No it's not always the correct thing to do, but I'd rather be the fall guy for him any day then see them put him through hell.
Edited by missroselee 2014-04-24 10:31 AM
|
|
| |
|
 Swiffer PIcker Upper
Posts: 4015
Location: Four Corners Colorado | missroselee - 2014-04-24 9:19 AM cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
Edited by equussynergy 2014-04-24 10:31 AM
|
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 2457
| missroselee - 2014-04-24 10:19 AM cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
Girl - You just hit the nail on the head.
My dad's mother lived with us while I was growing up - (8-17). She was essentially an invalid and it was cheaper for my family (dad's an only kid) at the time to have her in house with a daily caretaker than to put her in a "home". She was awful. She didn't want to help herself and was generally a really really hard person to be around. I watched how much it stressed both of my parents out. Confrontation made it worse.
I'm sorry you are going through this ... I feel your pain and will say some prayers for you all. I would let your husband say something if anything is to be said at all .... |
|
| |
|
 I Freaking Love Ponies
Posts: 2717
Location: Not in Texas where I should be! | My FMIL lives in a fictional world and believes I am the anti-Christ, so I feel you. After sitting back and keeping my mouth shut for a VERY long time - her running my FI into the ground and tearing him to shreds was my last resort. Like you, I am also very protective of my FI and I would not let her continue to allow him to be persecuted over events she knows nothing about. She is now playing the victim and says I am a bully. There's no dealing rationally with people like this - they will always lie, contort and make themselves out to be saints in a land of heathens.
I firmly believe in setting boundaries. Even if you have to set a new flare on the boundary DAILY, I believe it needs to be done. Both my FI and I agree the same. We made it clear what the boundaries are, and what the consequences are for crossing them. I swear it's oddly reminiscent of dealing with toddlers....
I wish you the best of luck and I fully disagree with those that say to keep your mouth shut. Standing up for yourself and your husband can be done respectfully. You two are bonded by marriage and are a team. Respect is a two way street- if I am giving it, you bet I will demand it back. The fact that she bore the love of my life into this world doesn't give her a certificate of authority to treat us both like second class citizens. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I guess the good thing is that no matter how they feel about me, they never verbalize it to my husband because they know that he won't tolerate it. So there is no chance that they could ever get between us. That and I would never let them for my husbands sake. I do care about them quite a bit. Mostly because in the last two years we have had to do so much for them, and in the last year we have spent so much time with them. You can't spend that much time with someone and not care about them. I don't always like them, but I do care for them. His mom did live with us for a while, then his dad moved in. I told them both they would have to find their own place because we coudln't have both of them here like that. Then when we found out we were pregnant everything fell apart. They became horrible to me. So I kicked them out.
Now when we miscarried, hubby made it very clear to them that they were not to speak a word to me about any of it, and they respected that.
The strange part is, his mom lost a child back in 1978. She lived for three months in the hospital. NOBODY talks about it. But she will talk extensively with me about it. Probably because I do ask and I have always acknowledge Sammy as one of her kids. People think she has four kids. I always always say she has five. When I got her some family resins I did a seperate one just for her and Sammy. So there is a part of us that is close. |
|
| |
|
 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I'm one of those people that has a hard time keeping my mouth shut when my loved ones are being hurt by someone. When I was young and had a shorter fuse I'd confront in probably a more vocal way. Now I'm "aged" and do little sit downs with my in laws when I think they are hurting my husband. Having an intelligent face to face conversation sure as heck doesn't hurt. Lets face it.....we're mama bears even to our husbands and want to protect them. |
|
| |
|
The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| missroselee - 2014-04-24 10:19 AM
cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad.
That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
I don't know the details, but if they are still grumpy/complaining/attacking behaviour then the medication is not working.
If you want you can PM me give me more details, to see if I can suggest a different route.
If these people have been diagnosed with dementia/Alzheimer's. The disease is a degenerative disease, sometimes it takes years to get the right medication. Also sadly the disease can make people happy or cranky, you may have gotten the cranky.
Also dementia patients don't believe there is a problem, they sort of live in a different world depending on the severity of the disease
If I am completely off base then disregard this. And I send you a hug and prayers to you and your husband |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | The medication is not working because they either refuse to take it, or abuse it by taking too much. |
|
| |
|
 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I am going to give you another way to look at this. You are such a kind soul and so is your husband. I do think that you and hubby should try to take care of his parents. That being said if they don't want to help too then I think you need to let/help them go back home.
We moved my mother here to my sister's house before we found out she had the liver cancer. I took her back home two weeks ago, she wanted to go to a fish fry. It just amazed me how much her spirits soared, how much better she got around and how it lifted her spirits to be back in her "environment". I wish we could move her back home, but that is not an option with what she has. They just might be happier back in their normal routine at home. Just a thought.
I have had three interuptions while typing this so I hope it makes sense. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | sorrel horse ranch - 2014-04-24 11:56 AM I am going to give you another way to look at this. You are such a kind soul and so is your husband. I do think that you and hubby should try to take care of his parents. That being said if they don't want to help too then I think you need to let/help them go back home. We moved my mother here to my sister's house before we found out she had the liver cancer. I took her back home two weeks ago, she wanted to go to a fish fry. It just amazed me how much her spirits soared, how much better she got around and how it lifted her spirits to be back in her "environment". I wish we could move her back home, but that is not an option with what she has. They just might be happier back in their normal routine at home. Just a thought. I have had three interuptions while typing this so I hope it makes sense.
It does and that's why we are wanting to just tell them to go. We think it's a mistake for two reasons, first becasue they are healthier here with the health care system, and second, hubby and I help them out way more then their family back home. But obviously whatever we are doing isn't working for them, hence the reason they are making hubby feel like a failure.
Problem is, they won't just tell us they want to go and when they finally do, they will expect us to drop everything and take them, which we can't always do because of the Army and his schedule, and the fact that I'm now working three jobs and back to riding full time. |
|
| |
|
The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| missroselee - 2014-04-24 10:54 AM
The medication is not working because they either refuse to take it, or abuse it by taking too much.
There are injectable medications some are weekly, some are monthly.
Depending on the dynamics of the family/people you could look at homecare coming in and giving it, or a monthly doctor visit and have the doctor inject it |
|
| |
|
 Pork Fat is my Favorite
Posts: 3791
Location: The Oklahoma plains. | I feel for you- this is another thing you and I may have in common unfortunately. I pray for resolve for you and your husband. |
|
| |
|
 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| If the parents don't respect/care for you, I wouldn't say anything unless your hubby was there. They would probably take it as you trying to be a pot stirrer, keeping them from their son, etc.
I would volunteer yourself to be the one to speak up, but WITH your hubby present.
I'm sorry that the other family members don't help out, but maybe they would if you are quite a distance away and no one else was around. OR there are facilities or home health care agencies that could come in and do routine checks for them if they moved back to GA. |
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| We have been through this same thing for the last three years. My father in law passed away three years ago and since then she has decided my husband owes her something. He stresses so bad that we are having a heart cath on him tomorrow because of chest pain. The only difference is my husband brings a lot of his stress on himself. If he would just walk out when she starts to complain about stuff she will stop. I know because she has in the pass. He will get his fill of her and leave sometimes and for a while she is better. I have posted recently about all the things we have gone through so I will not elaborate here. I am glad to know I am not the only one with this problem and I pray that yours gets better soon because I don't want to know that anyone has to live through this. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I straight out asked hubby if he wanted me to say anything and he asked me to wait....so decision made....he had to think about it for a bit..... |
|
| |
|
Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| missroselee - 2014-04-24 11:40 AM I straight out asked hubby if he wanted me to say anything and he asked me to wait....so decision made....he had to think about it for a bit.....
If he's anything like mine, he doesn't want you to say anything, but then it'll take him a month to jump into action or ask you to do it anyways. :)
But that's the way men operate. Until then, keep your chin up. Inlaws are always a pain. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | Well this just a whole new kind of interesting.......no worries though.....I will sit my butt in the car in the parking lot until they are ready to be driven home. Then I will refrain from going inside to converse with them as I normally do in order to contain what it rally want to say to them right now. Apparently their lives are none of my business and I am not permitted to go I to the doctors office with them....... |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I want to help them.....I really do.....but to be perfectly honest.....right now I just want them to move back home......nothing we do is good enough......neither myself nor my hubby. They accuse me of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth and expecting everything served to me on a silver platter...... |
|
| |
|
Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | missroselee - 2014-04-24 2:13 PM I want to help them.....I really do.....but to be perfectly honest.....right now I just want them to move back home......nothing we do is good enough......neither myself nor my hubby. They accuse me of being born with a silver spoon in my mouth and expecting everything served to me on a silver platter......
Whether you were born with a sliver spoon or not, isn't their business. Sit in the car, enjoy the peace and quiet, take them home and wave bye. Go home and hug your husband. |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I behaved yesterday. Today I did not. I finally had enough.
Long story short....their elderly neighbor gave them two push lawnmowers. Both of which needed minor work. Hubby brought them both to our house to work on. I never asked what they needed or anything about them. Yesterday I noticed their grass needed cut. I had free time today, so I took my push mower down there and mowed their grass.
When I went inside to take them some prescriptions that I picked up for them, they blew their tops over the two push mowers they were given, accusing hubby of trying to steal them. Acting like he wasn't going to bring them back.
I finally had enough...I walked out, called hubby, asked what was wrong with the two mowers, came home and fixed them myself, then let his parents know we had enough of the disrespect and attitude and that if they wanted to go back to their hometown, then I would make sure they could get out of their lease (they say that's the only reason they are still here, but I had talked to the rental manager and explained that they may decide to do this, and they will let them out of the lease, I just didn't tell his parents that) |
|
| |
|
 Hog Tie My Mojo
Posts: 4847
Location: Opelousas, LA | Looks like they have either lost thier minds or are the kind of people that just aren't happy unless they have something to gripe about. You have been nothing but kind, so sorry you are going thru this.
Family issues are part of the reason we moved to Louisiana, Texas just wasn't big enough for all of us, lol. As long as you and hubby have each others backs, you will be just fine. |
|
| |
|
 Goat Giver
Posts: 23166
| My FIL stopped by Thursday. I went to the bedroom and stayed until he was gone. Kinsey has a barrel race today, it is in the town where they live. I stayed home.........
I tried for 15 years to find a common ground. I just can't tolerate them. The bad thing is husband grows more like them every year. It's getting so I can barely tolerate him. |
|
| |
|
 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | missroselee - 2014-04-25 9:19 AM cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
It sounds like control by GUILT to me. And, your husband is accepting that guilt. Tell him he needs to stop that. From what you posted, it sounds like you two are doing the best you can for them. He needs to tell them that. And, he needs to tell them to move back home if that is what they want to do. This cannot come from you, it has to come from him. You cannot protect him from his own parents, he has been groomed for years to accept this guilt, that is how they manipulate him. He has to break the cycle by not taking it on anymore.
My mother-in-law treated me like crap for years. She would have treated anyone that was married to her son like crap, because she wanted total control of him. (I have a feeling that is what is going on with your in laws). She was a mean spirited woman who was happy only when she was the center of attention and controlled with guilt. When she was old and had a stroke, I took care of her because I felt it was the right thing to do. She went to a nursing home and I visited 4 or 5 times a week, helping her to participate in activities. If I didn't go, she would just lay in bed. Only after she was dependant did she say good things about me, then you would have thought I walked on water, LOL |
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 1096
| Hollywood's Fan - 2014-04-26 10:08 AM
missroselee - 2014-04-25 9:19 AM cheryl makofka - 2014-04-24 11:17 AM In the parents any memory loss? As it sounds like depression, maybe dementia. Is it possible to have a geriontologist assess each one completely. If they check out fine, send them packing. If they have some deficits, they may need mood stabilizers. A friend of mine is going through this with both his parents, the meds finally stabilized his dad. That's not the issue. That's already been done and "treated". Meaning diagnosed and properly medicated, but getting them to stay on board with it is a whole new dilemma. Part of the reason we did want them close to us, so we could help. But you can't help ppl who don't want to help themselves.
My mother-in-law treated me like crap for years. She would have treated anyone that was married to her son like crap, because she wanted total control of him. (I have a feeling that is what is going on with your in laws). She was a mean spirited woman who was happy only when she was the center of attention and controlled with guilt. When she was old and had a stroke, I took care of her because I felt it was the right thing to do. She went to a nursing home and I visited 4 or 5 times a week, helping her to participate in activities. If I didn't go, she would just lay in bed. Only after she was dependant did she say good things about me, then you would have thought I walked on water, LOL
I feel for you. I unfortunately get the "guilt" from my mother. I live an hour from her and she would LOVE to Control Me!! She thinks I force my children to do things, she thinks the horses are crazy, she thinks I do everything wrong. Unfortunately for my brother he farms with my parents and I have doubts he will ever be totally self sufficient because she "controls" him. I made the decision to just smile and do what I need to do for my family. She can say what she will, I will be calm, cool, and kind toward her but I'm going to do the "water off a ducks back" approach and ignore her nonsence. It's tough, I'm so their! |
|
| |
|
Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | He pretty much told them today to go back home if thats what they want. I know I can't fix how they have made him feel. All I can do is support him no matter what.
I guess what really bothered me as well was the day I did take them to the doctor. They needed to go to the pharmacy, so we drove by there. His dad went inside while his mom and I waited in the car. Now it's no secret that I have a "running" script for narcotics. Vicaden and Codeine. Each are technically supposed to be filled once a month, but they aren't. I just call the doctor when I need more. Reason being is a one month supply will last me about 6 months, so no need to keep filling them.
Mother in law knows this. She asked me to get my scripts filled so she could give them to his dad....... |
|
| |
TOTALLY OT......another in law post.....wish it were horses :)