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Member
Posts: 17
| I'm not a new BB but I am so embarrassed and heartbroken and confused that I don't want to use my normal name.
My marriage is crumbling beneath my feet and my world seems to be falling apart. I'm desperate for some sort of answer or sign or anything that would tell me everything will be okay. I found out last night my husband has been lying to me about some pretty big things and I just don't know how to move forward from it. I'm so lost and heartbroken that I can't even see a day ahead. I don't know what to do. I talk with several of you on a regualr basis but I'm just so embarrassed and sad that I can't even talk to you using my regular name.
I would so greatly appreciate a hug or a prayer or a good thought or anything. I don't know where my life is going to go and honestly I'm scared.
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Hungarian Midget Woman
  
Location: Midwest | All I can say is that I am sorry you are going through a bad time. I hope things get better, and that you can get things worked out. |
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  Expert
Posts: 1584
 
Location: Central Texas | Oh man, that is an awful feeling. When you are caught up in the middle of it, it is very difficult to see any light. Reaching out is a good way to get through very painful struggles. A lot of people have experienced their world falling apart and can offer some support and insight. You are abe to get through it! Hugs. |
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Prayers for you!!! I PROMISE you that regardless of what happens and which direction you choose to go from here, that everything absolutely WILL be ok. I know it hurts and how heart breaking it is for someone you love and trust to deceive you, believe me! The one thing I told myself and my friends who have ever gone through something like this is that YOU cannot hold yourself responsible for the choices that others make. It is not your fault! These are choices HE made, and you cannot guilt yourself into believing that you are responsible for them. The only thing you can do is to make a choice to be strong, and yes I do believe it is a choice. That's not to say you won't have weak moments and that the hurt will immediately go away, but you cannot let the choices he made dictate you or how you feel about yourself. You have nothing to be embarassed about, believe me! You are not liable for his bad choices in any way!!!
The hardest part is choosing a path and not waivering in your decision. I do believe any situation is repairable if both parties want to work on things, so please don't hear me saying you should leave him......YOU are the only one who has the right and the knowledge to make those decisions. I am here for you if you need to talk. I will not ask your name or any private details you don't want to share, but I can share some stories with you as well to let you know that you aren't alone and that life does go on....and often improves drastically. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 806
Location: Arkansas | Said a prayer for you.
I don't have any advice but what works for me when I feel this way is to find scripture that pertains to how I feel, reflect on it, write it and write about it, and somehow I always feel better and find the right answer for me.
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Prayers for you. I know there are likely others that can give better advice. I do know that counseling helped my husband and I when we were struggling. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | I'm so sorry. Please know that there is nothing to be embarrassed of. Your family and true friends will be there for you. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| I feel that if he could lie to me about this that he could lie about anything. I found out by opening his mail. He said I disrespected him by opening his mail.. were married, can't I do that?
I don't know who this man is anymore and I'm confused how someone could change so much.
Maybe he never changed, maybe he was always like this and just hid it so well. I don't know but I'm lost. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| I am so sorry. Prayers said for you.
Trust in God. Reflect on scripture and turn to those you trust implicitly. You cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else's actions, only your own. Take a deep breath and remember that when you hit rock bottom, God has something waiting for you on the other side of all this.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
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 Voice of Reason
Location: NOT at Wal Mart | And this too shall pass......
Hang in there,  |
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2937
Location: North Dakota | I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to post so that you know there's another soul keeping you in their prayers.
Hang in there. Take it one day at a time.
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:04 AM I feel that if he could lie to me about this that he could lie about anything. I found out by opening his mail. He said I disrespected him by opening his mail.. were married, can't I do that? I don't know who this man is anymore and I'm confused how someone could change so much. Maybe he never changed, maybe he was always like this and just hid it so well. I don't know but I'm lost.
If opening your husband's mail were a problem then I would have been divorced a long time ago. |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | lost, i dont know anyone who has never had their world shattered along the way.... each of us has or will deal with it with in our own means.... lots of us can share experiences and be here to help you and lift you up along the way.....
and if i am one of the regulars that you speak with please never be embarrased to reach out to me no matter what the life event here. 
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Member
Posts: 17
| I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together.
After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt! |
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More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:26 AM I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together. After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt!
Do you have family or friends close by? You ALWAYS have a place to go. You just have to have enough faith in yourself and the willpower to make the choice. I can tell by yours posts you're beat down because of the shock of this. Raise yourself up, be strong. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Are you wanting to leave? Are you needing some time to sort things out? There is always somewhere to go, whether it be short term or long term. Please don't use that as an excuse! Go get a hotel room for a day or two if you need to get away. Or ask him to leave for a few days. Go stay with a friend, family, whatever you need to do, but don't use the "nowhere to go" as an excuse. This is scary, I completely understand, but there are always options. |
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games |
Hang in there. All I can say is pray and talk about things with each other.  |
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:04 AM I feel that if he could lie to me about this that he could lie about anything. I found out by opening his mail. He said I disrespected him by opening his mail.. were married, can't I do that? I don't know who this man is anymore and I'm confused how someone could change so much. Maybe he never changed, maybe he was always like this and just hid it so well. I don't know but I'm lost.
That comment about disrespect was just to deflect away from the more important issue of his lying. Herbie is so right, everything will be ok, you just have to see it for what it is and try to step back and handle it from the perspective of what is best for you and what will make you feel like a valued partner....
People change for a variety of reasons, and if he won't sit down and talk like a mature adult without placing blame, then you don't even have a place to start to fix it.....maybe you need to ask him to leave for awhile to allow him to be who he really wants to be, because if he's lying to you then he's hiding his real agenda....even if you love him, you have to give him this space, you can't force a person to be the way you want them to be....if he sees the error of his ways and wants to talk it over, you can be there...or not! I personally couldn't stay day to day in a relationship where I was so devalued as a person that I was being lied to...hugs... |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I am sorry for this difficult time you are going through. Sometimes God feels the need to test us or show us things thru pain and frustration. Lean on HIM in your time of need. Maybe there's something He wants you to see. We don't always get to understand the whats, wheres and whys. We just have to know Who. Stay strong. Stay steady. Trust in God. Because this hard time will pass.
Sending prayers for you. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| I'm overwhelmed. The person that I love doesnt seem to care back. He says he does but the lying doesn't show that. What really showed me is that he thinks I can't open hid mail. Were supposed to be in this together. I don't hide a single thing from him, nothing and I feel like I don't even know him now.
Some days I want to leave so bad but where am I going to go with my horses? The good days we have seem to not even count anymore because he's been lying to me since we got married.
Edited by LostAlongTheWay 2014-05-07 9:42 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 720
| Don't leave. If you think you want to stay on your property, don't ever be the one to leave. If there is any chance that the break may be permanent, once you've left, there's no going back. Ask him to leave. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | If you don't want to say, feel free to ignore this, but what did you find in the mail? |
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Member
Posts: 17
| LoudAppy - 2014-05-07 9:42 AM
Don't leave. If you think you want to stay on your property, don't ever be the one to leave. If there is any chance that the break may be permanent, once you've left, there's no going back. Ask him to leave.
He won't leave. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| barrelracr131 - 2014-05-07 9:45 AM
If you don't want to say, feel free to ignore this, but what did you find in the mail?
I don't want to say right now. |
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:26 AM I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together. After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt!
Just saw this one....OK....maybe I'm a lot older than you, I don't know (I'm almost 65)....see it for what it is...he isn't sorry and he obviously doesn't care that you are hurt...PLEASE don't put ayour whole worth into what this excuse for a "man" thinks....you are a valuable person that deserves to be treated with respect...DON'T appear to be hurt and weak...find a place inside yourself that you can show some strength and make a stand for yourself....if you own that house together, then ask him to leave until you guys can decide on what the future brings, but don't let him decide for you and you just get swept along in whatever he wants....I would see a lawyer today because the ball has already started to swing one way...at least be clear what your rights are...you can do this, be strong, take care of yourself...things are going to change (for the better) so you first have to accept that...
BTW: do you have kids? Are you young? Do you have your own income?
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:39 AM I'm overwhelmed. The person that I love doesnt seem to care back. He says he does but the lying doesn't show that. What really showed me is that he thinks I can't open hid mail. Were supposed to be in this together. I don't hide a single thing from him, nothing and I feel like I don't even know him now. Some days I want to leave so bad but where am I going to go with my horses? The good days we have seem to not even count anymore because he's been lying to me since we got married.
I'm not sure what he was lying about, so it really is up to you if it can be overcome. I do know that a marriage without trust will have no foundation on which to stand. It's like building a house on sand. If there is no trust, there is no solid ground.
In my marriage, everything is an open book. He can look through my phone. I can look through his. He can open my mail and does. I do the same to him.
I would first want to know what he was hiding. Why was he being dishonest? I don't want to immediately jump on the "you need to leave" bandwagon because I don't know the specifics. I think you need to determine if you can regain that trust. He wasn't sorry for what he was hiding, so that is concerning to me. I don't know what that was, but how major of an issue is it? Was it excessive spending or was he funding a second wife, house, and kids?
The reality is that it will always get better. Unfortunately, it also usually gets worse before it gets better. I hate that you are going through this. But really evaluate if this is something that can be overcome, if you can trust again, if you can live with this, etc. before jumping ship on your marriage.
And like others have said, trust in God. When life gets too hard to stand, kneel. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 9:47 AM
LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 9:26 AM I have no where to go. My husband and I have this house together. After I confronted him last night he never once said that he was sorry. I don't understand. I'm so hurt!
Just saw this one....OK....maybe I'm a lot older than you, I don't know (I'm almost 65)....see it for what it is...he isn't sorry and he obviously doesn't care that you are hurt...PLEASE don't put ayour whole worth into what this excuse for a "man" thinks....you are a valuable person that deserves to be treated with respect...DON'T appear to be hurt and weak...find a place inside yourself that you can show some strength and make a stand for yourself....if you own that house together, then ask him to leave until you guys can decide on what the future brings, but don't let him decide for you and you just get swept along in whatever he wants....I would see a lawyer today because the ball has already started to swing one way...at least be clear what your rights are...you can do this, be strong, take care of yourself...things are going to change (for the better) so you first have to accept that...
BTW: do you have kids? Are you young? Do you have your own income?
I don't have any children. I'm in my mid twenties. I have my own income.
He was not cheating. I'm just so dang hurt because I tell him everything and now I'm clearly seeing that he tells me nothing. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| How long have you been married? |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Marriage counselor. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM
Marriage counselor.
He won't go. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM
How long have you been married?
Almost 2 years. |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | I am so sorry your going through this and I know it's never fun or what we want but know your not alone. The one big piece of advice I have to give you at this time is DONT go anywhere!! If you need space, make him go for a while so you have time to sort things out. Do not leave that house and dont leave your horses in his care. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:06 AM
LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM
Marriage counselor.
He won't go.
Then you go to a counselor alone if you have to. |
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Expert
Posts: 5321
Location: Texas | Keeping you in my prayers |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | When you are both home tonight you need to sit down together and talk. Dont be confrontational at all and remaign calm. You need to find out what is going on and why so you can go from there. I am confidant you can work things out but you BOTH need to be adults and work together. If he wont even rationally work WITH you and come to a understanding and meeting of the minds, then you dont even have a starting point to move forward. |
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
I've been married for 4 years. My wife and I are both in our twenties. There are still things I learn about her and she learns about me everyday. Some good, some not so good. I don't know what you found or saw, but there is probably still some "getting to know you" going on. I'm a guy, and there are lots of things that I just wouldn't even think to tell my wife. Lots of love, forgiveness and non judgemental attitude can help in some circumstances. Somethings are just not easy to tell your spouse about. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | I have been there. The moment you discover that you have been truly decieved...it's a physical pain...that sinking feeling that just aches and makes you want to throw up. I have been there. Whatever the lie...the deception...it obviously is something serious or you wouldn't be here talking this way. Without any specifics it's tough to offer advice...but I respect your desire to keep it private.
The deciet is bad...but what makes it more concerning is his attitude about it after you found out. And...if he has no desire to seek counseling or even sees there is a problem...well...you can not fix someone else. You can only control your reactions/actions. And whatever you do...you need to be clear with him about what is acceptible and what isn't. And then make your choices based on what he is willing to do.
I agree with folks that say staying there is best for you...but how do you make the guy leave if he refuses? How does that work? After the second betrayal I left. I lined up a place to go (rented) and take my animals...and I left. Short term I moved to the other bedroom and avoided him until I had things lined up. I had my own income as well...and I was so glad for that. And...no kids either. And supportive friends. You can pick up and start over if you have to. I am so much better off in my life now. The guy did me a favor in the long run...although you never could have convinced me of it at the time. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:08 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:06 AM LRQHS - 2014-05-07 10:04 AM Marriage counselor. He won't go. Then you go to a counselor alone if you have to.
This times 1000 |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | Whiteboy - 2014-05-08 9:26 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
The lying is one thing, his attitude about it after he was caught is more disturbing, IMO. He should be doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust. Sounds like he is arrogant about it.
Edited by Hollywood's Fan 2014-05-07 10:43 AM
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bottom line, you are going to have to make some choices here and take a stand and stick with it. You are plenty young to start over. If he's been hiding something and lying about things the entire time you've been married, then you have been living with his representative the entire time you've been together. There's a good chance you've never known the real him. Sounds like he's not willing to work on anything and would rather have his privacy than a partner, and that is not a choice you can make for her or ask him to change. Either you leave or make him leave. You say he won't, but he will with enough pressure....unless of course it is HIS place, and then you need to make different arrangements.
From the sounds of it you don't want to leave and you don't want him to leave. If that is the case, you need to make it clear to him what your expectations are for your marriage and of him as a husband. I'm a firm believer in that we teach people how to treat us and if we continually let someone push the limits of disrespect, soon enough there is no respect at all and they know they can do whatever they want to, as there are no consequences for their actions. You need to talk with him....not TO him. You need to be calm, and use a low, steady, non-confrontational voice. You need to be strong and not show him you are weak. It's ok to tell him that he has hurt you, but he doesn't need to actually see you are broken. He has to know that you can and will survive without him. That you would much rather live your life with him, but not at the expense of your self worth and what you deserve out of him as a husband.
Edited by Herbie 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
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 Wide Darn Open
Posts: 2141
| After 13 years of marriage I went through my husbands overnight bag when he got back from a trip to get my camera because I needed it for work and he had taken it with him. I found several things at once that blew my mind. He didn't say I'm sorry, he said that what he did when he wasn't with me was none of my business. I left that day but that may not be the answer for you. It is possible because I left with 5 horses, 3 dogs and $10.00. It was very scary but my biggest advice would be to pray first and seek guidance from family, friends, a pastor, counselor, or anyone you have and once you feel you've gotten a direction go with it even if it's difficult. These girls here on BHW will pray with you and listen...they have been my rock in the past. You can mssg me anytime and I'm praying for you! |
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 Roan Wonder
Location: SW MO | I have no advice only prayers, hugs, a shoulder to lean on & ears to listen |
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 Cyber World Challenged
Posts: 2526
Location: My Own Little World | I haven't read all the posts here but do want to say that you are in my prayers for peace and wisdom. Having had some pretyy bad experience with marriage myself, my greatest decision that helped me the most was to seek out counseling. I went once a week for nearly 2 years and that combined with great friends, got me through it. Now, ten years later, I look back and see that I am better off for the experience; although, at the time I sure didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs and if I can be of any help, just say so. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Hollywood's Fan - 2014-05-07 10:37 AM
Whiteboy - 2014-05-08 9:26 AM LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 10:07 AM Whiteboy - 2014-05-07 10:03 AM How long have you been married? Almost 2 years.
The lying is one thing, his attitude about it after he was caught is more disturbing, IMO. He should be doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust. Sounds like he is arrogant about it.
He said he isnt going to go pay someone to tell him what he already knows...
That doesn't make any sense but that is what he said. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you. |
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| ^^ Great advice! |
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 Pork Fat is my Favorite
Posts: 3791
Location: The Oklahoma plains. | I feel really bad for you- I am sorry that you dont feel you can reach out to a friend.
I will agree that ALL marriages are work but there can be FUNDAMENTAL differences in life that if you are not willing to live with them then this may be a sign that your future is elsewhere or with someone else?
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I haven't read any responses, but I think it really depends on the advice you get from what you found in the mail. If it was a student loan bill that you didn't know about, ok, not that big of a deal. If it was the results of a paternity test, then yes, there would need to be some explaination going on. I have no idea what you found, but I think that would depend on a lot of advice you get. |
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I can't give you any other words of advice that haven't already been mentioned but just wanted to let you know that I'm/we're here if you need us. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you.
He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | He won't talk about it either because he's ashamed, because he's embarassed, or simply because he doesn't want to. The fact that he won't talk to you about it you absolutly cannot change and the more you ask him and beg him to talk to you, the further away you will drive him. KNOW THAT! I'm pulling straws to find out what this could be since it came in the mail. Does he have a loan you didn't know about? Credit card? CHILD? Pen pal? STD? Medical condition? I know you don't want to tell because you are embarassed, and I respect that, but I also know that things I thought were huge deals and super embarassing in my early 20's I wouldn't blink an eye at in my late 30's. As you get older, you learn to pick your battles and not sweat the small stuff. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:09 AM Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. Just know you cannot do this alone. You cannot build trust without two people. Set your standards, expectations, deal breakers and dont' bend them. Secrecy is a deal breaker in a marriage.....unless they are buying a horse or horse related item fur us! LOL In all seriousness, just teach him how to treat you, and if he is not willing to treat you that way, move on, because someone would love to appreciate their partner and vice versa. You are very young......this is not the end of the world, I promise you!
Edited by Herbie 2014-05-07 11:16 AM
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Member
Posts: 17
| Herbie - 2014-05-07 11:15 AM
LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:09 AM Thank you all for offering as best advice as you could with my limited details. I don't know what will happen with us but I'm praying that something will give and we will be able to move past this. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust now that its gone but I'm going to try. Just know you cannot do this alone. You cannot build trust without two people. Set your standards, expectations, deal breakers and dont' bend them. Secrecy is a deal breaker in a marriage.....unless they are buying a horse or horse related item fur us! LOL In all seriousness, just teach him how to treat you, and if he is not willing to treat you that way, move on, because someone would love to appreciate their partner and vice versa. You are very young......this is not the end of the world, I promise you!
Thank you Herbie for all your adivce. Its appreciated more than you know. Thank you. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:04 AM Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you. He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together.
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2014-05-07 7:40 PM
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 Veteran
Posts: 173
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow | Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances.
Is this the first and only thing? |
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Member
Posts: 17
| BabyJ - 2014-05-07 12:11 PM
Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances.
Is this the first and only thing?
Yes, this is the first thing. But it wasn't just one thing, it was 4 things. |
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | I also really like the book Tough Love by James Dobson.
ETA: on the other end of the spectrum, The Five Love Languages is another win.
Edited by oija 2014-05-07 12:24 PM
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 12:19 PM BabyJ - 2014-05-07 12:11 PM Some things just are not a big deal to guys, especially guys in their 20's. He may not understand what you are hurt about. At this age, most men haven't experienced the things that will make them more emotional creatures. Like deaths and births etc...so he may be emotionally disconnected. Without knowing what you found its hard to really understand the circumstances. Is this the first and only thing? Yes, this is the first thing. But it wasn't just one thing, it was 4 things.
This is probably going to be a turning point in your marriage, and how you handle this will teach him what you are willing to put up with....if it's important enough for you to feel this bad, then he needs to know it's serious and could jeopardize your future together.....
I know when I was your age I was in a bad marriage and I was the one who took my horses and left....I just wasn't willing to put up with crap anymore and it was easier for me to leave.....I did leave the door open for change, but it never happened....
This might be bad advice, take it however, but if the deceit is going to put a big wedge between you and he won't go to counseling or talk to you, then I would take my horses and move out....explain that when he's ready to talk and work things out like a mature adult that you will be there to listen.....if he would let you go over this without trying to work on it, then you deserve better...who wants a lifetime of lies and arrogance towards you and your feelings?....don't waste precious years on him.....good luck!
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 678
Location: Canada | You found four things that hurt and that stinks but as much as most marriages hope (and some certainly are) that there is complete honesty there are somethings that some people just don't share either because it's not relevant or because they don't want to, or because they're embarrassed.
You need to decide how these things affect you and your relationship. Do the things you found affect your health (ie potential STD's)? Does it affect your financial well being (is he doing something that affects YOUR credit score or joint home equity without you knowing)? Is he doing something that affects your social well being (is he doing something illegal)?
If what he's doing doesn't put you in harms way and doesn't affect your health/social/financial life together then think to yourself in 1 year/5 years/10 years will this situation be relevant or am I just mad he has something I didn't know about? If down the road this doesn't affect you (other then you currently being upset) then in the grand scheme of things this is a bump in the road and you'll have a lot more of these as married life, and life in general goes on. If this is the case I'd sit him down and tell him your upset that there are secrets you don't know about and then ask him gently if there is a reason he didn't tell you about it.
I hope you guys are able to talk it out.
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | RunNitroRun - 2014-05-07 12:37 PM You found four things that hurt and that stinks but as much as most marriages hope (and some certainly are) that there is complete honesty there are somethings that some people just don't share either because it's not relevant or because they don't want to, or because they're embarrassed. You need to decide how these things affect you and your relationship. Do the things you found affect your health (ie potential STD's)? Does it affect your financial well being (is he doing something that affects YOUR credit score or joint home equity without you knowing)? Is he doing something that affects your social well being (is he doing something illegal)? If what he's doing doesn't put you in harms way and doesn't affect your health/social/financial life together then think to yourself in 1 year/5 years/10 years will this situation be relevant or am I just mad he has something I didn't know about? If down the road this doesn't affect you (other then you currently being upset) then in the grand scheme of things this is a bump in the road and you'll have a lot more of these as married life, and life in general goes on. If this is the case I'd sit him down and tell him your upset that there are secrets you don't know about and then ask him gently if there is a reason he didn't tell you about it. I hope you guys are able to talk it out.
^^ This is really good advice. Is this something he intentionally lied about, or just never mentioned to you? Would it be an issue he was embarrassed to bring up? |
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes... |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 11:04 AM
Southtxponygirl - 2014-05-07 10:49 AM
Is this something thats so bad that you feel like there is a divorce is in the makeing, or is it just a bump in the road that you two will have to work it out? I hope that you step back and take a hard look at what ever problem you are having and think hard about it. When I first got married, we had a few bumps that we had to go over befor we had a solid relationship. Please think long and hard and try talking with him, befor you decide this is the end of the rope for the two of you.
He didn't cheat so I feel we can still try. The fact that he will not communicate with me and talk to me upsets me. This is a marriage and were supposed to be in this together.
Could be he feels bad"gulity" about being caught in something he knew he should have told you about a long time ago, & now has no idea how to handle it or where to start in explaining! (Just a thought) |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Hugs and prayers. You do have a difficult road ahead of you. I hope you are able to find guidance, wisdom and peace where that road takes you. I am very lucky to be married to by best friend and am thankful everyday for him. 26 years of marriage and he still rocks my world and he is who I want to spend my time with. I hope you are able to have that too. |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes...
Are we related?!?!?! LOL Good advice, CH! |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes...
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | Herbie - 2014-05-07 1:24 PM Cindy Hamilton - 2014-05-07 1:08 PM For me, the biggest thing would be the way he's handling it, not the actual 4 things....if he doesn't have enough respect or love for you to go to a counselor or sit and discuss it, no matter how embarrassing or whatever, then do you just let him bulldoze over you whenever he wants to sweep something under the rug that matters to you?....it's a tough lesson, but he needs to learn it in this early stage...believe me, he's testing you to see what you'll do about it.....you should not have to be the one to go through life being the "good little woman" who allows her man to control what direction the relationship takes... Are we related?!?!?! LOL Good advice, CH!
LOL...probably way back somewhere.....I guess I got mean in my old age, but I wish when I was her age that someone had sat me down and told me all of this tough stuff!...I had to learn the hard way....and wasted more years than I'll admit to in the process...
I do know it's very, very hard to be the one in a new marriage and facing this with someone you thought you knew and trusted....it blindsides you and your whole world turns upside down...you just want to fix it and have things be the way they were....but it's a big red flag of what's to come if you don't take a stand now....
It's a whole lot easier to be on the outside like we are here, and have already had these things happen to us and can predict for you what you should or shouldn't do, but we all have life lessons we need to learn in our own time and in our own way, and you'll do what fits your personality and tolerance level....it's going to be hard on you if you stay and can't fix this, and it's going to be hard on you if you leave and wait on him to grow up and decide if he truly wants to be a partner with you in life.....I only say this out of experience and my own bad choices...my lessons all came at a price, I'm only hoping to save you the same heartbreak.... |
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Member
Posts: 17
| I am willing to work on this if he will sit down with me and talk this through. If he will continue to not talk to me well then its pretty clear I guess what would need to happen.
What I found does not effect my health, other than giving me horrible anxiety and raisingmy blood pressure from finding out. This could effect me personally down the road if its not handled, that's why I am so upset. Its nothing illegal.
For those of you that said you packed up your horses and left, where did you go to? |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I would try to find a friend who might be willing to keep them for you for a little bit or a pasture someone might let you lease? Maybe board them somewhere?
Good luck to you, and we all wish you the best of luck and are here for you if you need us to be! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | mruggles - 2014-05-07 12:19 PM well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m This is a good point, but I would also add. IF something he is doing going to effect me, then you include me.
IMHO it is also very hard to give good advice when one is being as vauge as you are.
Edited by fatchance 2014-05-07 2:40 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 316
| I agree with what someone else said earlier...when I was in my 20's and first married some things were a way bigger deal to me than what they would be now. Hard to say this is one of those situations since we don't know what it is. Plus there are things that I think are big deals that my husband doesn't think is a big deal even to this day.
A few words of wisdom from my experience on the talking part...I'm married to a man that doesn't really know how to share his feelings or what he thinks very well. He's very easy going and laid back; pretty much goes along with anything I say...this is good and bad...believe me! It's taken me 12 years of marriage to figure out how to get him to talk...the biggest thing is to not give any kind of attitude or raise my voice or have any reaction to what he says until he's done. If I react, etc. he will clam up and stop talking. If he feels I'm going to get mad before he even finishes what he's saying he'll just stop.
Also, I'm really sorry, but the advice of leaving...we don't even know what this is...is it something that can be fixed? Sometimes leaving is harder than trying to work through an issue. Was it a mistake and he's just embarrassed to tell you about it? Was it something that happened prior to you getting married and he didn't know how to talk about it without you getting upset? I know that my husband sometimes avoids talking to me about some things and telling me about some things because he knows I'll just instantly get mad. Not saying it's not okay to get mad, but like I said above I have to wait until he's totally finished talking. And then when I do react I need to react in a way that he will understand how I feel. As soon as I start to raise my voice he's checked out. If I stay calm and just explain how I feel he's attentive. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 838
Location: Georgia | mruggles - 2014-05-07 3:19 PM
well if it aint another woman..then dont sweat the small stuff.......i have a different outlook i guess, i dont want to know everything my other half does and i sure dont tell him all my stuff.......so as long as this doesn't involve another woman (thats the big unforgivable for me)..............
m
I have to agree with this, to some extent. I guess the big thing is what exactly he's done, but I also feel like if there isn't an infidelity with another woman then hopefully your marriage will be salvageable. Another good piece of advice is to not sweat the small things like others have said... If it is something financial and/or some sort of money issue, men have a really hard time dealing with financial troubles. I know with my husband, if we get in a bind or our savings get low, he gets really tore up because he feels like it's his responsibility to be the primary bread winner and financial statue... I wish you both the best in your decisions and I hope this is something you can work out.
My husband is 35 and I'm 25, we've been married 4 years, we have a coming 3 year old son and another son due in July and we are still figuring out each other. Marriage isn't easy by any means, especially since we started having kids right off the bat, but if you truly love each other, it will work out. Please let me know if I can help you in any way! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers for you |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | If this is something that would embarrass / affect you if it got out, are you willing to deal with it?
I found out something about my X that floored me. I tried to understand. My brain couldn't wrap around it. Even when I educated myself about it. I spiraled down to a dark place and had to get out. |
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 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | Ok im going to put my two cents in for what it is worth... i just went through this and it is horrible and you feel lost and wonder if you will ever breath again.
I could'nt pack my bags fast enough...but it took many years of my life when i could have just nutted up and stood up!!!
WHY SHOULD YOU MOVE??? My butt would be planted so hard and firm!!! surely there are other rooms you can sleep in till he gets the message. He will see you everyday and have to talk soon...but you may not get all the answers you want. Do you want to live with that? Do you want to live everyday thinking there are more secrets? it will burn a hole in your soul till you set him down. He owes you that much!!
I set mine down and i ask every question on my mind...and im more than positive that he lied on most of them.
There is a silver linning... Good luck to you and i wish you the best. I don't know where you live or i don't know you...but my place is always open!!!
i know i contradicted myself...but i made him buy me a house in the divorce. I could'nt afford the bills on the one we lived in together.
Edited by teressa 2014-05-07 3:12 PM
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I'll Be Your Huckleberry
Posts: 1488
Location: Arizona | I'm sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to say I got married very young. My husband was also very young. Things were NOT easy for a long time. There were things said and done that didn't even cross my mind as something people dealt with. It takes a long time to learn each other and your quirks. I think sometimes men take a while to mature (not trying to be sexist here) as my husband has gotten older he has become much more sensitive to my feelings and is a much gentler person. I thought about walking out many times, and could have rightfully done so but I am glad I didn't. Marriage is something to be valued and unless it something like cheating, physical abuse, or serious mental and emotional abuse I think you should think long and hard before ending it. I would suggest going to a counselor yourself if he won't go, or even getting some books to help you better understand him. It can help you know how to speak to him and have a productive conversation instead of playing the blame game.
My husband and have been married almost 10 years with 2 beautiful children and I am so grateful to have him. I'm grateful I decided to do everything I could to make my marriage work instead of giving up when things got really hard. I hope you find a good solution and find a way to stay positive. |
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 MEOW!
Posts: 4477
Location: High heels in the air... | The lack of empathy is what bothers me...some guy are quiet types but at some point they need to open up...baby yourself, go ride, get a pedicure, and wait a bit...he may not be ready to explain himself...men avoid drama even if they cause it...so chill, try not to stress...give him a chance to own it then decide what's best for you. |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| First of all, hugs.
Secondly, when people show you who they are believe them. Whatever this problem is, it's up to you what you can and cannot accept in your life. This man whatever he did, will not change, and don't expect him to. He has laid out for you a blueprint of how he handles adversity in his life. The only thing you can control and count on is you. So, what do you want for you?
If you chose to work on this issue, do it with both eyes open and demand and expect respect and answers. If he won't do that then he needs to go. Period. You deserve the best and you get what you deserve.
Praying. Put your big girl pants on and face this head up, not head down. |
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Member
Posts: 17
| Well he came home and I very calmly sat him down and talked to him. I was very careful not to interupt when he was talking as another BB said. Once he started talking and he saw that I was staying calm he was a little more open, not a lot though.
I told him this is his one and only warning and I won't deal with this again. I don't think he believes me when I say that but that's okay. If he does this again I will show him I'm serious. I've decided to start a little savings account for me if I need it. I have a truck and a trailer big enough for all my horses but a place to stay would be the issue so a little savings account I think is in order.
I'm not ready to give up but I won't do this again. If there is a next time, I will be prepared. |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | go have a consultation with the best attorney in town even if you can't afford him. that way he can't use him. |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 7:01 PM Well he came home and I very calmly sat him down and talked to him. I was very careful not to interupt when he was talking as another BB said. Once he started talking and he saw that I was staying calm he was a little more open, not a lot though. I told him this is his one and only warning and I won't deal with this again. I don't think he believes me when I say that but that's okay. If he does this again I will show him I'm serious. I've decided to start a little savings account for me if I need it. I have a truck and a trailer big enough for all my horses but a place to stay would be the issue so a little savings account I think is in order. I'm not ready to give up but I won't do this again. If there is a next time, I will be prepared.
a nest egg never hurt anyone. I had issues in the past and during a big blow up was pretty much told he'd leave me sitting on the curb with nothing but what I was wearing. That was years ago and we worked through it and several other issues. We have 2 great kids and get along decently enough. We married at 19 (much too young in my opinion) and just celebrated 14yrs yesterday. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 316
| LostAlongTheWay - 2014-05-07 6:01 PM Well he came home and I very calmly sat him down and talked to him. I was very careful not to interupt when he was talking as another BB said. Once he started talking and he saw that I was staying calm he was a little more open, not a lot though. I told him this is his one and only warning and I won't deal with this again. I don't think he believes me when I say that but that's okay. If he does this again I will show him I'm serious. I've decided to start a little savings account for me if I need it. I have a truck and a trailer big enough for all my horses but a place to stay would be the issue so a little savings account I think is in order. I'm not ready to give up but I won't do this again. If there is a next time, I will be prepared. Good job on staying calm and not interrupting him. Speaking from experience...that is really hard to do when you're hurt and mad! Praying things will work out for the two of you!
Edited by GWR 2014-05-07 11:24 PM
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| As someone else said, there's not too many that have not been in a situation where they felt their world had been blown apart. Will keep you in thought and prayer--if it's meant to be, it shall be. |
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 Dr. Ruth
Posts: 9891
Location: Blissfully happy Giants fan!!! | Man, I really wish I had a recording of the sermon last night and last week. My church did two sermons on marriage. They will stream it and have it on their website. You may even be able to email them and ask for it.
www.crossbrandcowboychurch.org
I have not walked in your shoes and I cannot even imagine but I will say a prayer for you. I took two things away from the sermon that I feel is really important. First, mistakes in a marriage in today's society that are used for grounds for divorce are selfish. Instead of staying as one flesh, the spouse doing the wrong is being selfish and not staying as one with the marriage bond. Two, marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Therefore, hard times are only a snapshot in time. The lay pastor that preached this (who also does the love and respect workshops for married couples) said one time his wife and him went through serious issues for 2 years. But they have been married for over 40 years and thus, he considers that only a snapshot in their marriage.
My prayers are with you and I sure hope things work out. |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | you both are young.. a marriage is a commitment of better or worse .. if it isnt infidility or abuse or illegal or drugs alcohol or something Id try to talk to him about it before taking advice of others that know nothing about "Your" situation..if your not happy then leave.. if you felt that was the thing to do... if your not sure Id talk to someone that knows BOTH of you and sort thru it.. not internet people that dont know you both.. without knowing the people involved personally its hard to say what to do..good luck.. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Bibliafarm - 2014-05-08 1:39 PM you both are young.. a marriage is a commitment of better or worse .. if it isnt infidility or abuse or illegal or drugs alcohol or something Id try to talk to him about it before taking advice of others that know nothing about "Your" situation..if your not happy then leave.. if you felt that was the thing to do... if your not sure Id talk to someone that knows BOTH of you and sort thru it.. not internet people that dont know you both.. without knowing the people involved personally its hard to say what to do..good luck..
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 400
Location: the only place to live.........TEXAS | Herbie - 2014-05-07 8:54 AM Prayers for you!!! I PROMISE you that regardless of what happens and which direction you choose to go from here, that everything absolutely WILL be ok. I know it hurts and how heart breaking it is for someone you love and trust to deceive you, believe me! The one thing I told myself and my friends who have ever gone through something like this is that YOU cannot hold yourself responsible for the choices that others make. It is not your fault! These are choices HE made, and you cannot guilt yourself into believing that you are responsible for them. The only thing you can do is to make a choice to be strong, and yes I do believe it is a choice. That's not to say you won't have weak moments and that the hurt will immediately go away, but you cannot let the choices he made dictate you or how you feel about yourself. You have nothing to be embarassed about, believe me! You are not liable for his bad choices in any way!!!
The hardest part is choosing a path and not waivering in your decision. I do believe any situation is repairable if both parties want to work on things, so please don't hear me saying you should leave him......YOU are the only one who has the right and the knowledge to make those decisions. I am here for you if you need to talk. I will not ask your name or any private details you don't want to share, but I can share some stories with you as well to let you know that you aren't alone and that life does go on....and often improves drastically.
This!! |
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Heartbroken.