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 I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
   
Location: Pacific Northwest | Convince someone to get help when they don't want to? This person, who is very, very, very close to me, has severe depression issues and I'm really scared they're going to hurt themselves one day, and even though I've told myself a million times that if that ever happens I've done everything I can, I think the guilt/devastation I would feel would never go away. I've come so close to convincing her to go to a counselor, and then at the last minute she bails.
I'm not a very religious person but I pray for this girl every night. I know I can't be the only person that has watched someone they love self-destruct. |
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  Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | If it was someone that I truly loved, I'd tell them that we were going to go eat out or shopping and I would pull in at the counselor's office with them instead. They might be mad, but we wouldn't have far to fight before I got them in that office. |
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I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | LRQHS - 2014-05-21 9:13 AM
If it was someone that I truly loved, I'd tell them that we were going to go eat out or shopping and I would pull in at the counselor's office with them instead. They might be mad, but we wouldn't have far to fight before I got them in that office.
I've thought about that but I have no idea how to set up an appointment for someone else. Will they let you? |
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 Expert
Posts: 5290
| The most basic tenant of psychotherapy is " You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves". Its the golden rule. No matter what its true. I watched my mother slowly die over years and years for something that could have been fixed/medicated/Counseled. She would NEVER accept the help. It would have been totaly pointless to drive her some place and force it on her. It would only make her angry and resentful towards me and ruin the time we had left together. What I WOULD DO, however is verbally tell your friend your feelings, that way if the worst does happen, you will feel better. When my mom died I had absolutely ZERO guilt that I could have done more or what have you. Hope this helps! |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | livexlovexrodeo - 2014-05-21 11:26 AM LRQHS - 2014-05-21 9:13 AM If it was someone that I truly loved, I'd tell them that we were going to go eat out or shopping and I would pull in at the counselor's office with them instead. They might be mad, but we wouldn't have far to fight before I got them in that office. I've thought about that but I have no idea how to set up an appointment for someone else. Will they let you?
I'd pretend to be her......get her address, birthdate before you call. If they ask for SSN, tell them you forgot it, but you'll bring it with you.
I know, sneaky and under handed, but if I really was worried and cared for the person.....I'd do anything to get her there. Like I said, she will probably be very mad, but she can just thank you later when she starts feeling better. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | FLITASTIC - 2014-05-21 11:28 AM The most basic tenant of psychotherapy is " You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves". Its the golden rule. No matter what its true. I watched my mother slowly die over years and years for something that could have been fixed/medicated/Counseled. She would NEVER accept the help. It would have been totaly pointless to drive her some place and force it on her. It would only make her angry and resentful towards me and ruin the time we had left together. What I WOULD DO, however is verbally tell your friend your feelings, that way if the worst does happen, you will feel better. When my mom died I had absolutely ZERO guilt that I could have done more or what have you. Hope this helps!
I've been to the point of needing counseling and I would have been mad had someone "brought me" but I would be incredibly thankful now that I'm better. Maybe that would show her how much you care. That you are willing to do "all that" to get her help. If it were my loved one, they could hate me and resent me all they wanted....I wouldn't care. |
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 Can You Hear Me Now?
Location: When you hit the middle of nowhere .. Keep driving | I may have an unorthodox way of doing it, and likely not the best; but I have had this problem with my father a lot over the years. Winters can be hard because he can't/won't go out due to a risk of getting stuck somewhere. Lately he is just in a constant one and it's starting to get serious in my eyes, and I got the ball rolling and he hates me for it right now. I hate to say it but I gang up on him with his nurses, home care and close friends to force him to do something. He's too stubborn to listen to reason, or just suggestion. Normally I am the only one who can get him to do something but when he's like this he doesn't even listen to me. He will lie to the doctor or refuse to go see one unless I push a nurse to force him and we have called an ambulance on him. The home nurse will contact his doctor ahead of time and give her a run down of what is happening so she has a heads up and can approach him. He has too many health issues to take things lightly. I have chalked it up to tough love and we have fought a lot over the years when he goes through his depression spouts. In the end he always thanks me, I have saved his life before and he knows it. In the end you just have to do what you have to do and what you know is right in your heart. It may just be going behind a persons back or ganging up on them to force them to go.
Edited by ndiehl 2014-05-21 11:59 AM
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 Tough Patooty
Posts: 2615
Location: Sperry, OK | I have not been in this position before, but I would hope if I were the one self destrucing and my friends noticed.... that they would be willing to risk everything to help me! I also might be mad in the beginning, but know I would be greatful when everything was lined out. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | I have to agree with the one that says you can only help a person that wants help.
I would talk to her about your concerns and let her know you are serious.
However, you can't force her to take meds, or take the problem seriously. If she doesn't think there is a problem, or that it is not that bad, she will blow through the visit and not get anything out of it. However, talking to her might help her realize how bad things are.
Plus, they will want her insurance info when you call. I think giving them her info like that could be a crime (if she gets charged) and if things go sour between you two, that might come back to bite you. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | lol...I'd go to jail knowing that I'd done all that I could. I make appointments for my Mom and brother all the time. I give all the information. They can get the insurance and SSN at the appointment. They don't have to have it over the phone.
You just have to decide how drastic you want to be. If I thought they might hurt themselves, well it's on then. I'd tackle and kidnap someone I loved to get them help. I'd handcuff us together and spend every minute of every day with them until they got tired of me attached to them. Just depends on how bad she is and what you're willing to do...........and, lol, I can force someone to take medication. It might not be the intended route, but they'd be getting it one way or another.
Edited by LRQHS 2014-05-21 12:32 PM
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | LRQHS - 2014-05-21 12:31 PM lol...I'd go to jail knowing that I'd done all that I could. I make appointments for my Mom and brother all the time. I give all the information. They can get the insurance and SSN at the appointment. They don't have to have it over the phone.
You just have to decide how drastic you want to be. If I thought they might hurt themselves, well it's on then. I'd tackle and kidnap someone I loved to get them help. I'd handcuff us together and spend every minute of every day with them until they got tired of me attached to them. Just depends on how bad she is and what you're willing to do...........and, lol, I can force someone to take medication. It might not be the intended route, but they'd be getting it one way or another.
LOL
well family is different. A lot would depend on how close the OP is to her friend.
I do hope everything works out for the best! It is tough to watch people go downhill. |
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I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | Thanks everyone. She knows how I feel I tell her I love her and that I would be devastated if anything happened to her. She has a lot of reasons to be angry (bad things were done to her when she was little) and her mom is awful and their family was abandoned by her real dad and later her stepdad (I couldn't live with her mom either) so it's like she has all these reasons in her head of why she thinks she's worthless. She's an amazing person but as soon as I build her up something happens to tear her back down. I know they tell you to cut negative people out of your life but it's hard when one of them is her own mother. Her mom isn't the sole issue but she sure doesn't help. She pretty just blames the families issues on her. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | livexlovexrodeo - 2014-05-21 1:10 PM Thanks everyone. She knows how I feel I tell her I love her and that I would be devastated if anything happened to her. She has a lot of reasons to be angry (bad things were done to her when she was little) and her mom is awful and their family was abandoned by her real dad and later her stepdad (I couldn't live with her mom either) so it's like she has all these reasons in her head of why she thinks she's worthless. She's an amazing person but as soon as I build her up something happens to tear her back down. I know they tell you to cut negative people out of your life but it's hard when one of them is her own mother. Her mom isn't the sole issue but she sure doesn't help. She pretty just blames the families issues on her.
I would ask her if she would go to an appointment with you and you could offer to sit in with her and talk all together to the psychologist or whoever.
Tell her if she doesn't like that person that you can find another, and that she doesn't have to go back if she doesn't want to, but it would mean a lot to you if she could try to feel better. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | livexlovexrodeo - 2014-05-21 1:10 PM Thanks everyone. She knows how I feel I tell her I love her and that I would be devastated if anything happened to her. She has a lot of reasons to be angry (bad things were done to her when she was little) and her mom is awful and their family was abandoned by her real dad and later her stepdad (I couldn't live with her mom either) so it's like she has all these reasons in her head of why she thinks she's worthless. She's an amazing person but as soon as I build her up something happens to tear her back down. I know they tell you to cut negative people out of your life but it's hard when one of them is her own mother. Her mom isn't the sole issue but she sure doesn't help. She pretty just blames the families issues on her.
I don't know if you know this or not, but I had the worst panic attacks when they put a cast on my arm after breaking it. I lost my mind. After a lot of Ativan to keep me from cutting that cast off and panic so bad that I literally thought about jumping in front of a train to make it stop, I got talked into counseling. I was embarrassed, humiliated and did not want to go. I hated that I could not make it stop on my own.
The first counseling session, the lady zeroed right in on what was the cause, even though I could not see it. It was things that happened in my childhood that I had no control over and the broken arm/casting took me back to all that. Can I tell you, it was bad? I came on here crying, scared, lost. I didn't think I was going to make it.
Bottom line is, I know it's not the same, but you can tell her that our past does effect our present and that there are things that counseling can do to help you live a better, happier life. It's scary to take that first step and I never would have thought that it would help me, but it did and I'm really a happier person that doesn't get down very much. The counselor gave me tools to use in my life to deal with situations as they arise. I wish I would have gone sooner.
..............so, drag her there if you have to. |
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2931
Location: North Dakota | Have you expressed your feelings to your friend?
TALKING is the number one thing you can do. I am going through this with my brother right now. He at least now is on the right track and going to therapy.
What my family and I have agreed upon is that my brother will NEVER go to one of his appointments alone. NEVER. One of us will always go with him, and it is up to my brother (when we get there) if he would like us to come in with him or just wait in the waiting room.
What if you offer to go with your friend to a therapy session? Would she back out then?
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| If you don't make an appointment for your friend …
Find a counselor and ask or beg her to do a favor for you (usual response is "sure") …. then say, I know you think you have this handled, but would you just visit the counselor once or twice … just as a favor to me …. maybe he/she will have ideas that we haven't thought of that can help. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I agree with a lot of what has been said. Definitely tell her how you feel so she sees how much you care and that it really is big deal. Also know that you're doing the right thing by thinking of her, but there is really only so much you can do so please don't feel guilty. I do have to say that my mom picked my sister and I up from school once, buttered us up with some snacks from the gas station and took us straight to a counselor. LOL. I was beyond ticked but I honestly felt so so much better after I talked with them and I still talk to someone every now and then. Hopefully one session or just you bringing her there will help her see how much she's loved and that it's something that can truly help her. Prayers and hugs   |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | If you think she will read it buy her Dr. Laura's book Bad Childhood, Good Life. It won't fix anything but it might change her view of it all and encourage her to get some counseling. |
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I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | Prayers would be very much appreciated. She had a failed suicide attempt last night (I knocked the bottle of pain killers out of her hand and someone else had already called the cops and they showed up just in time). Can't go into detail now still at the hospital waiting for her to be mentally evaluated. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | livexlovexrodeo - 2014-05-23 8:32 AM Prayers would be very much appreciated. She had a failed suicide attempt last night (I knocked the bottle of pain killers out of her hand and someone else had already called the cops and they showed up just in time). Can't go into detail now still at the hospital waiting for her to be mentally evaluated.
Well, I'm glad she's getting help. This sounds very serious. I have heard that if people tell you they are going to hurt themselves, that they really don't want to die- they want help. The ones that are quiet about it are those that really want to die.
IME they will keep her for a few days and prob let her go. My mom had a friend who swallowed a bunch of pills, then called her. My mom took her in and they let her go after a few days, recommending follow up outpatient care.
After having issues myself (anxiety/depression), I can see how someone can get to that point (though thankfully I was never there). It's a type of pain that is hard to understand unless you have dealt with it.
Just be there for your friend, and help her get in with a psychiatrist. It sounds like she needs to be on some sort of medication. Even though they don't know all the chemical reasons for depression just yet, it truly IS a physical issue that causes people to have mental health problems. The sooner she can get help, the sooner she will feel better. HUGS, this has to be so scary and hard. |
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