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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
  
Location: Texas | It seems to me no matter how long or well you know someone if you really reach out to them or help them in a big way there's a high chance they will jusst screw you over and make you feel stupid in the end... Anyways on tuesday I'm moving in with this girl on tuesday, we will have 2 other roommates aswell. She's made me feel I can never trust her again and im just going to ignore it and get on with things for the year and try and keep a positive attitude. As I start college this week I would love some advice on how you decide who you can/cannot trust? This situation I got screwed out of a few hundred dollars, It wasn't too much but enough for me to have my feelings hurt and just feel stupid and disrespected. She was my BEST friend, the kind you think will be around forever, and over night everything changed. By no means am I looking for pitty or trying to be negative, Im just wondering if there are ways to see these kind of situations before they happen? Thank you guys in advance |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Don't trust anyone.
If this is your first year at college, do not lend money to anyone, keep all monies, and treasured belongings under lock and key.
Do not accept drinks from anyone unless they have not been opened.
Good luck have fun, work hard |
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 Mature beyond Years
Posts: 10780
 
Location: North of the 49th Parallel | You don't unless they give you a reason to trust them. That's my advice from someone who went to a party college and then got smart and transferred somewhere else. To this day I still don't trust many people. At all. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | outrundaizy - 2014-08-17 4:59 PM It seems to me no matter how long or well you know someone if you really reach out to them or help them in a big way there's a high chance they will jusst screw you over and make you feel stupid in the end... Anyways on tuesday I'm moving in with this girl on tuesday, we will have 2 other roommates aswell. She's made me feel I can never trust her again and im just going to ignore it and get on with things for the year and try and keep a positive attitude. As I start college this week I would love some advice on how you decide who you can/cannot trust? This situation I got screwed out of a few hundred dollars, It wasn't too much but enough for me to have my feelings hurt and just feel stupid and disrespected. She was my BEST friend, the kind you think will be around forever, and over night everything changed. By no means am I looking for pitty or trying to be negative, Im just wondering if there are ways to see these kind of situations before they happen? Thank you guys in advance
Sorry that you got your feelings hurt, just mark it up lesson learned, just do your own thing pay your share of the bills and rent and dont lean any money to anyone, thats what banks are for, or their parents,lol...
Prayers that you have a great year of college. And remember you are your best friend, so take care of yourself  |
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 Goat Giver
Posts: 23166
| Never give others the power to wound you. In other words, trust no one. |
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 I Am Always Right
Posts: 4264
Location: stray dump capital of the world | kmcsunshine - 2014-08-17 6:06 PM Never give others the power to wound you. In other words, trust no one.
Ditto what KMC said. |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | Yup.. It took several applications of this lesson, but it finally sank in... Trust Nobody.. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I am sorry you don't have anyone you think you can trust. I guess I am lucky because I have a few. I got to know them well before I trusted them with important stuff. I mean like several years. And there are one or two things only my husband knows about me. I pray you find some one to trust. Watch how a person treats people, listen to what they say. If they treat every one fairly and with respect then they may be worthy of your trust, but remember it's a 2 way street. You must also be trustworthy.  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 928
Location: Bigfoot Country | That is very sad.
Be that person that someone CAN trust.
Hopefully others will learn from you!
It has to start somewhere...
Let it be you!
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| Chin up! College is hard - there are so many things going on with classes, people, politics of social groups - you name it, it happens.
My advice - watch people and ask yourself, would I like to be treated the way they treat others? If not, don't even bother hanging out with them. You can be civil to room mates and not have to hang out with them or even like them. As long as you pay your part of the bills on time and clean up after yourself, you'll be just fine.
I think part of growing up is learning who to trust. Even after many years, you think you know someone and BAM things will change for various reasons. So, take your time getting to know people and be picky with who you choose to spend your time with. It took me a long time to get to that point but came out of college with some of the most amazing people that I can call true friends. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16572
Location: Displaced Iowegian | GLP - 2014-08-17 8:53 PM I am sorry you don't have anyone you think you can trust. I guess I am lucky because I have a few. I got to know them well before I trusted them with important stuff. I mean like several years. And there are one or two things only my husband knows about me. I pray you find some one to trust. Watch how a person treats people, listen to what they say. If they treat every one fairly and with respect then they may be worthy of your trust, but remember it's a 2 way street. You must also be trustworthy.
^^^^ THIS.........I find it very sad that people are telling you to trust NOBODY. We all have our faults and can disappoint our friends. Concentrate on your studies and Good Luck! |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 667
| I trust my family and that is it. Everyone else can/will turn on you. I have been burnt bad by a few different people and I just quit expecting everyone to be trustworthy. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I have a friend I can tell anything to and it won't be repeated anywhere. She can tell me and I won't tell anyone. We don't agree on alot of things and we don't see each other but maybe 4 times a month, but I know she has my back and I have hers. At first, when I first met her, she drove me crazy and I didn't really like her but then some how I realized that I didn't have to love everything about her to know her true value. I think she probable realized that about me, too. We didn't tell each other things until our 2 oldest daughters decided to drive us crazy about the same time. Our kids don't really care for each other that much either. Could be a good thing though. I guess I'm trying to say that nobody is perfect and maybe the person you can trust the most is not the person who is the funnest to hang out with. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | I'm going to jump on the trust no one boat too. Your trust should be earned, not given freely. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| LRQHS - 2014-08-18 10:56 AM
I'm going to jump on the trust no one boat too. Your trust should be earned, not given freely.
I agree, my friend and I had to earn each other's trust. We have known each other for probably 14 years but it wasn't until we had known each other probably 5 years before I started to trust her and she I. Oh and we started trusting each other with smaller things not jumping off with big skeleton in your closet things. e |
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 Queen Bee Cat Owner
Posts: 3629
Location: Way up North | I have been walked all over a few times and the biggest lesson I learned is you have to learn to stand up for yourself! Do not let other people see you as someone that can be used. This sounds less like a trust issue and more like an issue of lack of respect although they go hand in hand. I have been burned by people I trusted far more than I should have and looking back there had been little acts of disrespect leading up to what finally broke the camels back. So trust people but don't be niave about it like I was. If they show you the kind of person they are, believe them the first time around and you won't wind up as hurt.
I always think of the quote: "People aren't against you, they are for themselves." It is so true! |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | This is by no means foolproof, and I'm not claiming that it has been for me either, BUT I totally agree with watch how people treat other people!
Is your closest friend a good gossip? Then honey they are gossiping about you too.
Do they tell you hilarious stories about how they fibbed to so-and-so? Then they are "fibbing" (read:lying) to/about you too.
Do you catch them really exaggerating the situation when they're telling people about something that happened to the two of you? Then remember when they are telling you something that is it probably highly exaggerated.
I could go on and on, but basically you don't find out these things about people until you have had TIME to get to know them. I don't think anyone is a great instant judge of character. So don't be so hard on yourself when you find out that the really great friend that you've had for a year or two isn't so great. You're still getting to know people in that time frame.
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Expert
Posts: 2457
| BamaCanChaser - 2014-08-18 1:19 PM
This is by no means foolproof, and I'm not claiming that it has been for me either, BUT I totally agree with watch how people treat other people!
Is your closest friend a good gossip? Then honey they are gossiping about you too.
Do they tell you hilarious stories about how they fibbed to so-and-so? Then they are "fibbing" (read:lying) to/about you too.
Do you catch them really exaggerating the situation when they're telling people about something that happened to the two of you? Then remember when they are telling you something that is it probably highly exaggerated.
I could go on and on, but basically you don't find out these things about people until you have had TIME to get to know them. I don't think anyone is a great instant judge of character. So don't be so hard on yourself when you find out that the really great friend that you've had for a year or two isn't so great. You're still getting to know people in that time frame.
THIS ^^^ Bama said it much better than I did ...... |
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 Expert
Posts: 1482
Location: on my horse | Been there done that, very similar situation!!! Thought they were really good friends and oops I was wrong!
I'm going to give a little bit different advice than the few comments that I read... I'm a very open/trusting person to a point, I like to give everyone a chance to prove me wrong even if they've hurt me in the past. By no means do I EVER give roommates access to my valuables, loan them money, etc. In fact the first thing I do is put a lock on my bedroom door. However, I do try to trust them with little things like making dinner or sharing certain food items to begin with and then other things gradually if I see fit (kind of like training a colt lol).
I know it sounds like tiny things but it really does make a difference if you decide to open a little bit of yourself up to your roommates whether or not you trust them or they are deserving of your trust. Speaking from experience if you come into a living situation very withdrawn and guarded that behavior will be mirrored in your roommates and you will be miserable.
I'm not saying trust them fully, but give them a chance on small things and most importantly trust yourself to be ok if things go south. They may surprise you and have made some positive changes in their lives and if not you've prepared yourself mentally to be ok anyway.
If issues pop up don't be afraid to diplomatically confront your roommates. Passive aggressive notes are not the way to go! If they leave your little notes like that don't be afraid to confront them about that either!
Make friends outside of your circle of roommates and invite them over a few times a week, this helps a lot of your living situation gets tense and you start to feel unhappy. A lot of times when I've been in crappy living situations I try to get friends over to kind of diffuse the situation and actually sometimes invite whoever is causing the crappy situation to join in with us. This works two ways because they either join in and realize they don't need to be a bit**y person to you, or you've stood your ground and shown yourself to be the bigger person and a lot of times that helps diffuse what's going on.
most importantly stay focused on school, your horses, your family, and your goals. This helps you roll crappy situations off your back and move forward into positive things.
I've posted on here a bunch about roommate issues and feel like I've finally got a handle on dealing with this kind of crap (at least for a while!) if you need a pick me up feel free to shoot me a PM!
Edited by redmansmyman11 2014-08-18 3:19 PM
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 Veteran
Posts: 292
Location: Northeast Nebraska | The only person I trust is my husband. |
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Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Thank you everyone. I just now read the rest of the responses from my bed in my apartment(thats kinda scary to type lol) Anyways, all the different responses helped and are greatly appreciated :) |
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OT- How do you decide who you can trust?