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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
  
| Long story short. My MIL is very sick and needs someone to stay with her all the time. We have a couple ladies who stay around the clock but when they need off we take turns staying or that is what we agreed to do. Over the last three years we have sold all but three horses, have given up hauling because my husband is afraid to get to far away from home because of her and I have not had a day off from her or school. Every time there is a holiday the ladies need off. the BIL and SIL agreed to take turns staying with her on the holidays so we could show some well that has yet to happen. This weekend is an antique sale I REALLY want to go to and they have known this since June well Monday the SIL gets us in front of the MIL and says " me and John are going to the river we really need some time off" I reminded her of the sale and the MIL says to me" they really need the time off and I am so glad you and Billy are staying with me this weekend" then BIL calls and says" me and Pam are going to the lake" MIL tells him don't worry Sherry and Billy are staying with me it will be fine have fun" How do I tell the MIL that I don't want to stay with her and go to the sale. I DON"T I can not let her think no one wants to stay with her. She is not easy to take care of. She has to have everything done for her except feed her. The SIL and BIL have never stayed one night with her. The SIL comes one hour per week and the BIL comes 2x a month for about 2 hours each time. My husband and I go everyday and take care of something plus all Dr. visit which are scheduled on my days out of school. I know go on and flame me I should not feel this way but I do and I needed to get this off my chest and hove someone else tell me to get over it. There is a whole lot more to the story but this is the main part right now that is bothering me. |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
 
Location: southeast Texas | Get every one to pitch in $$ so you can hire a service to come in and spell you. Enjoy your day! Being a care giver is hard! |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Everyone needs to vent. 
but, "Cowgirl up and get over yourself."
Actually I think your hubby needs to have a conversation with SIL and BIL, not you. For now, be the happy supportive wife and understand MIL probably doesn't want to have to be taken care of like a baby. Maybe you can suggest he talk to them, or you can wait for him to have that conversation on his own time. And everyone needs a break, can you and hubby switch days so you can have a day off, then he can have a day off until, If and when, SIL and BIL step up? |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Being a care giver is hard and I commend you for your time and efforts. I know your husband appreciates your help with his mom. Can she stay by herself for at least 6 hours? If not, maybe hire someone to come in and help that day.
Family, well, sometimes they are worse then strangers.
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  If it Ain't a Paint it Ain't!
Posts: 8519
Location: Mansfield, Tx | I agree... you need to find another nurse that can care of her when stuff like this happens...
husband needs to have a talk with them... sounds like you need a break yourself..
no flaming from me... ( my sister is with my mother alot, she isn't at point your MIL is at ) but Im there everyday day b/c I work and my sister doesn't ... however, when my sister wants to leave or vacation...
I'm more than happy to cover for her....
But it can be hard...BIG HUG |
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 I Prefer a Beard
Posts: 1944
| I'm a Home Health Nurse and I really feel for you. These situations are so hard and caregiver burnout is a real thing. Everyone needs a break and I think your husband needs to have a honest talk with the other family member involved. Just curious do any of the care centers in your area have a day care type program available. One of the nursing home here locally has a program where you can leave your loved one for the day and they are cared for and supervised. No idea what kind of problems your mother in-law has but have you ever considered Home Health care or is she maybe appropriate for Hospice care. A doctor would have to determine if she is eligible but it may be an option. If you have questions about either program please send me a pm. Good luck with everything and remember caregivers have to take care of themselves before they can be 100% to the ones they care for. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 352
Location: Texas | I so understand. My husband and I live with to take care of MIL with Alheizmers. He has 3 sisters, only one calls, and none of them come to stay with her. So it gets so hard. We have 3 kids 14 and under. MIL tells us how much she loves us, please don't leave her, etc. It is a tiresome, grueling job. I've been to 3 barrel races in the last 3 years.
It's hard for me to say Cowgirl up and get over yourself, because you do need a break. Maybe I just should say Cowgirl Up! Get over yourself, not so much, because if you don't take care of you, then you can't take care of her.
Many hugs!! |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16572
Location: Displaced Iowegian | YOU need to talk to your husband and have him call a "family" meeting (with MIL in attendance....they will be less likely to say they don't "want" to help if SHE is there). Have a CALENDAR available for those attending to write down THEIR time to take care of your MIL. If something comes up on THEIR week-end, that person can PAY for an outside caregiver to take care of her. It should not fall on only one family member and his spouse. |
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 Ms. Poutability
Posts: 2362
Location: In my own world | Oh honey I know how you feel! My MIL passed away unexpectedly and my FIL was sick with cancer. My husband had 2 sibling that lived 10 mins away and one that was a few hours away. They did not help at all. We had home health help us. We had 2 small kids at the time too. They made a daily check and helped with any medical needs. But when it came to his funeral one of the home health workers pulled me aside and asked who those other people were standing with my husband. I said those are his siblings. They had no idea! She said all my FIL did was gush about how happy/lucky he was to have my husband and me to take care of him. He loved you guys so much and those grand babies even more (meaning our 2 even though there was 4 total). It was hard work, 18 months, and we were exhausted but they moment right there made it worth it. To know we meant that much to him and he told others about it. Hang in there |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | My grandpa is the same way he needs someone to fix his lunch etc.. he is capable of walking and dresing himself he just needs to be cared for like a small child. After my grandmother died my mother and my aunt and uncle decided it was best for him to go into a nursing home. He has care 24 hours a day and qualified for free care due to having no income or savings. He is happy, they play bingo, they take them to the casino and have daily games and events. A nursing home is not a bad place, it actaully forces them to be social and not locked at home all the time. To me when a person needs care 24-7 it is better to be in a nursing home. I know lots of people are against it but not every nursing home is like a hospital if you find a good facility it is actually a very nice place. They even let them have beer where my gandpa is at. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| roxieannie - 2014-08-27 7:21 AM
Get every one to pitch in $$ so you can hire a service to come in and spell you. Enjoy your day! Being a care giver is hard!
I like this suggestion. And you are human and it's human to feel this way. Bless you for being such a good daughter in law!  |
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 The Bling Princess
Posts: 3411
Location: North Dakota | angelica - 2014-08-27 8:42 AM My grandpa is the same way he needs someone to fix his lunch etc.. he is capable of walking and dresing himself he just needs to be cared for like a small child. After my grandmother died my mother and my aunt and uncle decided it was best for him to go into a nursing home. He has care 24 hours a day and qualified for free care due to having no income or savings. He is happy, they play bingo, they take them to the casino and have daily games and events. A nursing home is not a bad place, it actaully forces them to be social and not locked at home all the time. To me when a person needs care 24-7 it is better to be in a nursing home. I know lots of people are against it but not every nursing home is like a hospital if you find a good facility it is actually a very nice place. They even let them have beer where my gandpa is at.
I agree, I think if their health issues present such a danger to the person, that they have to have 24 hour care, then maybe it shouldn't be family, rather qualified professionals who can monitor 24 hours per day. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I think all her kids need to get together and have a meeting. You are her DIL this should not be weighting heavy on your shoulders, her kids should be the one responable for her being taking care of. Her kids should be a shame of themselves for puting all this on you and your husband. They need to hire another person for the weekends to stay with her so you can have a break, this is not fair to you, I will not say cowgirl up you should not be worrying about this. Why cant your husband stay with her so you can go do stuff with friends?
Sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home where she is being taking care of round the clock.
When my mother was sick I did not expect my husband to sit with her, I did not ask, he helped me alot, but I would not even ask him to help take care of her, she was my mother, so me and my sister did what we could for her, untill we put her in a nursing home. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | NJJ - 2014-08-27 8:29 AM YOU need to talk to your husband and have him call a "family" meeting (with MIL in attendance....they will be less likely to say they don't "want" to help if SHE is there). Have a CALENDAR available for those attending to write down THEIR time to take care of your MIL. If something comes up on THEIR week-end, that person can PAY for an outside caregiver to take care of her. It should not fall on only one family member and his spouse.
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | NJJ - 2014-08-27 8:29 AM YOU need to talk to your husband and have him call a "family" meeting (with MIL in attendance....they will be less likely to say they don't "want" to help if SHE is there). Have a CALENDAR available for those attending to write down THEIR time to take care of your MIL. If something comes up on THEIR week-end, that person can PAY for an outside caregiver to take care of her. It should not fall on only one family member and his spouse.
This sounds like a good idea to me. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | Go to the sale, let hubby take care of her while you are gone.
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 Experienced Mouse Trapper
Posts: 3106
Location: North Dakota | Pack her up put her in the car/van take her with you! I'm making assumptions here about her health but WHY do you limit yourself? If you're husband has been afraid to get too far away for 3 years, how much longer are you going to have to wait?? Sorry dumb questions but I totally would be infuriated by your situation. Demands that other family members put on each other is sometimes so unbelieveable! You ARE doing your best, its OK to be selfish every now and then. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| My husband has talked to the in laws MANY times we have even tried the calendar thing and we always get the same old thing. They get us in front of MIL and say things like we She just teaches school so she has lots of time to do things for you and the MIL agrees. I just don't have the heart to tell her know I will not stay. I know her time her is very limited and when she is gone I will wish I had this time back. Husband has told me to go to the sale but I really hate for him to have to change her and all that as she is very modest. I truly love this woman and I don't want her last days to be with someone she doesn't know taken care of her. Thanks for all the reply's I feel rejuvenated and ready for the weekend. This just means that God didn't want me to go to the sale I am already poor that would just make me poorer. LOL Thanks |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | I'm glad your attitude is better about not being able to go this weekend (poor word choice but I couldn't think of a different one) I'm not flaming you at all in your feelings, in fact I commend you for the support you are giving your MIL and hubby. I agree with the above though, maybe look for another care giver for weekends or find someone in the area that can help you out in a pinch in the future. You obviously can not rely on the siblings but what moving MIL into assisted living? Not necessarily a nursing home but something attached where she is still independent but also monitored? Is that an option? Hubby is really going to have to step in and tell his siblings that NO...WE need a break or WE have this planned so YOU (siblings) NEED to be here. If they can not step up then send them a bill for hours of care. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| docschic - 2014-08-27 11:47 AM
I'm glad your attitude is better about not being able to go this weekend (poor word choice but I couldn't think of a different one) I'm not flaming you at all in your feelings, in fact I commend you for the support you are giving your MIL and hubby. I agree with the above though, maybe look for another care giver for weekends or find someone in the area that can help you out in a pinch in the future. You obviously can not rely on the siblings but what moving MIL into assisted living? Not necessarily a nursing home but something attached where she is still independent but also monitored? Is that an option? Hubby is really going to have to step in and tell his siblings that NO...WE need a break or WE have this planned so YOU (siblings) NEED to be here. If they can not step up then send them a bill for hours of care.
Funny you say send a bill he just called them both last night and told them that he would be sending them a bill each and if he does not get it he will go to the MIL and tell her every thing they have said about not staying with her or that she is not going to interrupt their life etc. etc (he would never do that but they don't know that). I have told my husband that his time with her is very limited (I have been in health care for 30+ years) the shape her body is in the Dr. feels she does not have more than 6 months left and when she does pass he will be able to live with the fact that he has done all he could to help her. His father passed suddenly 4 years ago and he had been sick a couple of days my husband didn't go the day before his death because he was being lazy and taking a break and he still beats himself up for that. She can not go to assisted living in our area as she has to be able to get around some and cook for her self and she in unable to do that. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| LMS - 2014-08-27 11:33 AM
Pack her up put her in the car/van take her with you! I'm making assumptions here about her health but WHY do you limit yourself? If you're husband has been afraid to get too far away for 3 years, how much longer are you going to have to wait?? Sorry dumb questions but I totally would be infuriated by your situation. Demands that other family members put on each other is sometimes so unbelieveable! You ARE doing your best, its OK to be selfish every now and then.
She is unable to travel very far at a time and the sale is about 3 hours away.She has congestive heart failure and swells really bad when she is out in the heat so I really don't want to get her out in the heat if we could help it. The whole problem is that we will not step up and say no to them in front of her and once she knows that we are staying she get so excited. I tend to wait on her a little more than is really needed I guess plus I am a really good cook and I love to cook so I fix meals of real food the in-laws will always bring in food for her and she is not big on cold burgers and French fries. I know I brought this on my self that is why I got to just cowgirl up and get over it. LOL |
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 Expert
Posts: 3534
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | My mom took care of my great-grandma during her last years. She didn't have somebody around the clock, but there was also a nurse aid or two that came during the week also. The family PAID my mom to stay and take care of her because this is what my mom did instead of working.
My guess is the nurse aids are being paid so there is no reason you shouldn't be paid also |
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 Do You Feel Lucky Punk?
Posts: 3156
Location: NM...the Land of Manana | Bless your heart for caring so much! Too bad your husbands siblings are such creeps about it, but you and your husband are to be commended for knowing what really counts in this life! |
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Experienced Mouse Trapper
Posts: 3106
Location: North Dakota | cavlier - 2014-08-27 2:56 PM
LMS - 2014-08-27 11:33 AM
Pack her up put her in the car/van take her with you! I'm making assumptions here about her health but WHY do you limit yourself? If you're husband has been afraid to get too far away for 3 years, how much longer are you going to have to wait?? Sorry dumb questions but I totally would be infuriated by your situation. Demands that other family members put on each other is sometimes so unbelieveable! You ARE doing your best, its OK to be selfish every now and then.
She is unable to travel very far at a time and the sale is about 3 hours away.She has congestive heart failure and swells really bad when she is out in the heat so I really don't want to get her out in the heat if we could help it. The whole problem is that we will not step up and say no to them in front of her and once she knows that we are staying she get so excited. I tend to wait on her a little more than is really needed I guess plus I am a really good cook and I love to cook so I fix meals of real food the in-laws will always bring in food for her and she is not big on cold burgers and French fries. I know I brought this on my self that is why I got to just cowgirl up and get over it. LOL
See assumptions make things hard! Chin up, someday, when your time comes, there will probably be a very short talk between you and St. Pete at the gates......you truly are wonderful to your mil! |
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 Balance Beam and more...
Posts: 11493
Location: 31 lengths farms | Can your husband take care of her alone while you go to the sale and then when you get back he can take off and get a break?
Also, take it from me, you need to get some ground rules set up NOW on this. Never in a million years would I have expected my siblings to have disappeared like they did when my mom got sick. My mom was the only reason growing up that we led what appeared to be a normal life. My dad is great, don't get me wrong but we were his troops. 27 years in the Marines will do that, if he said "Sh*t!" you were suppose to ask "how much?"
Anyway, get a schedule set, they can't show up they need to trade a weekend, or pay someone to come in. I did this for 10 years,lived there full time, worked a full time job, and came home to taking care of my mom from 6 pm till 6:30 am when I got her up, got her dressed and fed and had to go back to my paying job. The worst day and the best day of my life was last December when my mom had a stroke and it got taken out of our hands, she needed full time care and had to go to a facility. I had completely forgotten what it meant to decide to go to coffee with your fiancé and not have to A) take mom with you or B) find a sitter. God Bless that woman, she deserved all 10 of those years and more but it would have been nice to have had more support from family. My siblings and I are not as close as we used to be and I understand in a way. I feel like looking back I was so overwhelmed I'm sure every time I called it was to ask if one of them could come stay with mom so we could just go to a hotel and take a break, never just to say "hi". And they never called me to ask if I wanted to go do something because it was pretty much impossible to do that, someone had to stay with mom.
Get that schedule done now, the sooner the better. |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | girl, you are burned out. Take the time and go to the sale. In return give your husband a couple hours of alone time the next day. If you don't get your nails professionally done exchange mini-manicures with your mil while hubby has an hour off. Your mil will enjoy the opportunity to paint your nails & pamper you a bit. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Well I gave it my best try. Went Friday and stayed until 10;30 this a.m. She has not slept more than an hour at a time . Husband and I took turns helping her but she would have a crying fit when I wasn't up so I would get up to keep her from being so stressed. I finally this morning had to call SIL (or Hubby did) told her to come home we needed help she flat out refused said leave her by her self she would make do. Called BIL he refused then called back and ask if we could compromise If we would stay on today so he is staying tonight and we are relieving him at 5 am so he can go hunting. You know Dove season only comes around once a year. LOL The regular lady will be in tomorrow and we will all get some rest then. For those of you who do this full time Bless you God for sure has a place in heaven for you with a gold crown. Thanks to all who have commented. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | cavlier - 2014-08-31 11:19 AM Well I gave it my best try. Went Friday and stayed until 10;30 this a.m. She has not slept more than an hour at a time . Husband and I took turns helping her but she would have a crying fit when I wasn't up so I would get up to keep her from being so stressed. I finally this morning had to call SIL (or Hubby did) told her to come home we needed help she flat out refused said leave her by her self she would make do. Called BIL he refused then called back and ask if we could compromise If we would stay on today so he is staying tonight and we are relieving him at 5 am so he can go hunting. You know Dove season only comes around once a year. LOL The regular lady will be in tomorrow and we will all get some rest then. For those of you who do this full time Bless you God for sure has a place in heaven for you with a gold crown. Thanks to all who have commented.
Sorry girl, this is not going to get any easier unless the others are welling to help out and sounds like they are just to busy to want to help.They should be soooo ashame of themselves  . Hugs you need many |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | Ok I will say what everyone is thinking.....SIL is a b$tch and Karma WILL bite her in the hind end. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | docschic - 2014-09-01 7:24 PM Ok I will say what everyone is thinking.....SIL is a b$tch and Karma WILL bite her in the hind end.
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Tell me to Cowgirl Up and get over myself