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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
 
| If there was no cheating or drastic drama involved, how did you know when it was time to call it quits. I'm not saying this is happening with me (remember, I'm an author) but I'm not saying it isn't. I'm just curious about the little things that happen that make a person say; "Enough is enough." |
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  JMHO
Posts: 1869
  
Location: Oklahoma | For me, I was just plain tired. Tired of his drinking, fighting, temper, & his lack of support or help with our 80 acre place. He wouldn't help with any of the chores and would just "come home, drink and play video games". I figured if I was going to be the one doing everything, it was time to lighten the "load"(by 240 lbs). I haven't looked back. |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | 34 years before it ended.  |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Dreamin of 3cans - 2014-09-09 7:50 PM
For me, I was just plain tired. Tired of his drinking, fighting, temper, & his lack of support or help with our 80 acre place. He wouldn't help with any of the chores and would just "come home, drink and play video games". I figured if I was going to be the one doing everything, it was time to lighten the "load"(by 240 lbs). I haven't looked back.
This sounds like the opening lines for a great novel.... |
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Member
Posts: 23
| We didn't say more than 20 words to each other the course of 10 months. Didn't see that changing. |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | When I held a gun to his head after he beat me. |
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Veteran
Posts: 150
Location: Okla | Don't mean to get side tracked, but this question got me to wondering how many here are single and do you intend on staying single? Just wondering.. |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| Mine was very mentally and emotionally abusive and it started immediately after we said "I do". He was awesome until then. We didn't even make it a year. I was his 3rd wife, that should've been my first clue....
Edited by 3TurnsonSpud 2014-09-09 8:07 PM
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | lots of reasons for me but I think as a relationship marriage goes.. when you stop being friends.. its time to walk away..or fix it.
Edited by Bibliafarm 2014-09-09 8:18 PM
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Keep these coming. I need to read these. I promise. |
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Too busy outside!
Posts: 5417
| Bibliafarm made a good point. I would say when you realize that neither one of you respects the other. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | 3TurnsonSpud - 2014-09-09 8:00 PM Mine was very mentally and emotionally abusive and it started immediately after we said "I do". He was awesome until then. We didn't even make it a year. I was his 3rd wife, that should've been my first clue....
I'm sorry. I had no idea.  |
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Expert
Posts: 1586
Location: west of East Texas | The respect comment was exactly what I was going to say. And respect can be lost in many ways. I lost all respect for my ex when he kind went 'phantom' on me after we had a child and but criticized my every move. I knew my marriage was over when I realized I would rather be anywhere else but around him. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 246
Location: OK | When we were fighting (again) at 2 a.m. I'm going to the couch to sleep-he follows me, not about to let the disagreement go. THEN--my kids in the hallway crying and yelling (at 2 a.m. on a school night) at us "YOU GUYS STOP FIGHTING"!! I didn't want my kids around that anymore! Before that, lots of jealous controlling behavior-when I finally decided not to live that way anymore-we just fought all the time. |
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 Ditch the Stirrups
Posts: 5369
Location: Sorrow Not! Defending against workplace bullies | When he wouldn't come out to the barn to help me with a horse I was afraid of because he didn't want to get dirty. I just wanted him to watch me ride in case something happened...soon met someone else at the barn who wanted to watch me all the time! Happily married now. |
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 Dog Resuce Agent
Posts: 3459
Location: southeast Texas | Old timely,
tried marriage three times, intend on staying single this time............. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| 3TurnsonSpud - 2014-09-09 8:00 PM Mine was very mentally and emotionally abusive and it started immediately after we said "I do". He was awesome until then. We didn't even make it a year. I was his 3rd wife, that should've been my first clue....
I am so sorry and also so glad you got out of that terrible situation. |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| chasendacash - 2014-09-09 10:32 PM The respect comment was exactly what I was going to say. And respect can be lost in many ways. I lost all respect for my ex when he kind went 'phantom' on me after we had a child and but criticized my every move. I knew my marriage was over when I realized I would rather be anywhere else but around him. This is what happened to my sister's marriage. They had a disabled child and he was no where to be found at doctor's appt. etc. He could not handle it and was ashamed of her. Their other daughter is fostering to adopt newborn twin baby girls who were taken away because of drug abuse. Babies have tested for minimal exposure. When his daughter called to share the news of the new babies his first question was "Is there a test to see how smart they are"- still a jerk.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-09-10 7:28 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | When giving him a second chance to be faithful...and he wasn't. If you cant trust your partner in life...and you have no respect for them...you just sort of wake up one day and just know that you are done. |
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 The One
Posts: 7998
Location: South Georgia | It was in my gut and I kept ignoring it for fear of the unknown and being alone. I finally listened to my gut. Best thing I ever did. |
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Regular
Posts: 78
| When you realize you are a better person and happier without him than with him. When he takes more from your life than he adds to it. When there is no respect. When he is out of town and you get physically ill the day he is to return.... |
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 Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| The final straw was when, I was working Friday, Saturday, and Sunday 12 hours, and I had to hire a babysitter!
I decided if I was to raise my boys alone I certainly didn't need to pay his debts.
What happened before the paying daycare
I bought hay from a friend I worked with and told her I'd pay her on Friday when I got paid as we had no money, He went into the house and brought out cash to pay her. (how is it he had cash?)
He told me he needed money to pay back his friend. I gave him $250 cash. Then the next Friday he tells me he needs $250 to pay back the same friend. (The second time I took the money to that friend and told him If you ever loan my husband another dime "I AM NOT GIVING HIM MY OVERTIME MONEY TO PAY YOU BACK.")
That is just a short list of the last 6 months of our marriage. |
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 High Class Broad
| My marriage changed drastically after we said the "I do's". Once we were married, I felt like I never measured up to his expectations. He demanded changes from me... I needed to drop my friends for his (some of which I didn't think were very loyal), I needed to change jobs (even though I had that job before we got married and it wasn't a problem), but no changes were necessary on his part, according to him. When I was home between jobs (I do contract work so it had its down time), I was alone a lot. In his defense, he had a very demanding job that kept him going from sun up to way past sun down. And as much as I tried to help so he could be home more and as much as I tried to get him to be better at time management, I was still alone. And I didn't want to raise a family with an absantee parent.
Before we were married, we had a partnership. We rode together, grew our (his) cattle herd together, had fun with one another. Afterwards, I felt like I did so much of it on my own...and that loneliness put a huge gap between us that neither of us put out the effort to fill. We became strangers in our home. When we were together, we didn't talk or touch. We were roommates. And when I decided to leave, he never asked me to stay. |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| This is a sad thread. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| Whiteboy - 2014-09-10 9:08 AM
This is a sad thread.
The truth is not always happy.
OP - We were engaged and had been living together for a year while I was working on my MS, didn't make it to the alter - my ending point - the gynecologist told me I had an STD. I KNEW I was faithful. He lied. The end. Two days later, my BFF packed my stuff, horses, dogs into a trailer and I moved. I haven't looked back and God has blessed my life with a career, horses, and a wonderful, honest, God fearing fiance that I love very dearly.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1028
| My ex became very controlling and jealous right after we got married. He was an auditor so traveled a lot, but if I ever went out with my friends (even when he was out of town), and he found out, it was a fight. Punching holes in the drywall, keeping his own room in our house that he kept locked (that I wasn't allowed to be in), accusations that I was sleeping with all of his friends when he was gone, the whole nine yards. The best story I have though is, one weekend, he had a cold and had been griping about it for several days, although I tried to help him, he refused anything I tried to do. Sunday morning, I heard some chatter in the living room (he had slept in the living room), I get out of bed to find HIS MOTHER kneeling beside the couch, taking care of her "baby boy," doing all of the things I'd tried to do to help him get better. Eventually, his best friend outted him and told me he'd been cheating on me for several months (all of those 'out of town' trips). I didn't confront him, just waited until the next time he was "out of town" and a girlfriend of mine and I packed up all of my things, and I moved out. Oh and I cancelled all of the bills to the house that had my name on them. I don't know what he was more surprised at when he got back, having no electricity, no furniture or being served with divorce papers. |
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| Call me old fashion but I think people give up to fast these days. When the going gets tuff they find it easier to walk away. There is a reason why you married that person.
With that being said I know not every marriage can be saved or should be. Abuse and cheating would be HUGE deal breaker to me.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| A marriage is over when you stop fighting for it. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| Before I met and married my husband, I was in a serious relationship for 6 years. He had given me a ring. The fighting and arguing had gotten pretty regular, he was a little over bearing and I felt smothered. I could not bring myself to be intimate with him because I did not feel intimacy twards him. I hung in there because we had been together so long and he was what I considered a good guy. After a fight, to let things cool down I went to my best friends house to stay the night. That led to a few days apart and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I did not miss the relationship an ounce.. Thats when I knew the right thing to do for both of us was end it. I could not marry someone I no longer had the desire to be with
Mind you, I take marriage VERY seriously. I think that two people who said those vows and ment them should exaust every option before throwing in the towel.
So thankful for my husband and the relationship we share.
Edited by scwebster 2014-09-10 11:06 AM
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I just wanted to say, all of these stories make me feel so extremely blessed for the relationship/marriage I have with my husband. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 407
| I knew my marriage was over when my husband passed away. He was my best friend. Would never have considered a divorce. We always worked things out and were better for it. Married 25yrs |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 596
Location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere | For me, I knew 2 weeks after I married him that I had made the biggest mistake but I said for better or for worse....it got worse and worse, he lied, cheated, and yes I had the baby sitter thing too while I worked and cared for everything and that was the best part of the marriage. I was his wife and mother to his children but identity wise I was nobody.....I was embarassed when strangers asked me who my husband was.....the marriage was physically and emotionally abusive and my final wake up call was when I realized that I did not want my kids to grow up thinking it was okay to be treated this way or to treat someone this way......
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| When he got mad because she spent their last $35 on insulin and he wanted to go to a roping. She was a juvenile diabetic. |
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Chi Chi Mama
Posts: 11212
Location: Spokompton, Wa | I knew mine was over when I came home from work and there was a note on the bed. All because we had a fight the night before and I did not want him driving after he had been drinking all day. Alcohol was always the problem. More arguments and fights about drinking that I can count. And it did end up being more important than our marriage I guess. Oh well. Good riddance! (sp?) Best thing he ever did for me.
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 Purveyor of unconventional wisdom
Posts: 17112
Location: CA | It was over when I realized he was a Narcissist, and couldn't give a dang about me. He would do things he could show people how awesome he was, but in private it was a lot of passive aggressive bs. I was accused constantly of cheating on him, but I never even considered it.
He was an insurance adjuster, and he asked me to ride with him to the bay area to do a job. It was a two hour drive, and all I kept thinking was I have to get the F... out of this truck. I had the window down and leaned up against the door as far as I could. I couldn't stand to be in the same space with him.
The next day he threw my son up against the wall so hard all the windows in the house shook. I was outside when it happened. I walked in to see my son curled up on the floor screaming at him, "you don't treat your children that way". I was furious. The first thing my ex said was... he started it. I swear to you all, I could have picked him up and thrown him out the window. He knew it too. I told him to go sit in the other room, checked on my son. then went to talk to the "adult" that just kept saying over and over... he started it. WTF is that? I prayed for 3 days. I got my answer.
Someone said that folks give up too easy. When a relationship insults your soul... it is time to go. I put in 21 years ... 16 too many.
I was 54? I think. I won't get married again.. what is the point. I am in a lovely relationship now. Very happy. :) |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Whiteboy - 2014-09-10 9:08 AM This is a sad thread.
I second that  |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I'm not divorced, nor do I want to be, nor do I think my hubby wants to leave, but I will say this.
I think LOTS of people give up because the euphoric feeling of being "in love" leaves them. You have to work at it. I'm not saying that people should have butterflies and giddyness their entire relationship, because the feeling of love changes. It becomes comfortable, like a good sweatshirt. But sometimes that comfortable becomes too comfy, so you stop doing the little things and that's when the fire dies. When you ignore each other, of course the feelings die and then the resentment starts because you forgot what it feels like to work together, you feel like you are doing it all. You begin to hate having to ask, but you hate doing chores yourself too. Then you get too mad to even think about the bedroom. He's mad because you dried up. Downward sprial commences.
(I took Marriage 101 (seriously) psychology course in college. BEST class I think I ever had because SO much of it made sense! |
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Purveyor of unconventional wisdom
Posts: 17112
Location: CA | Following are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:
___ They talk about themself and monopolizes the conversation.
___ They never asks about me, or never listens when they do.
___ They exaggerates achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.
___ They expects constant praise or adoration.
___ They disregard or diminishes my feelings.
___ They are demanding of me but isn’t there for me.
___ They always puts tthemself first.
___ They has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.
___ They easily hurt and easily feels rejected; and can’t handle criticism.
___ They have a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.
___ They think others are jealous of them.
___ They envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.
___They take advantage of others for his own gain.
___ They wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.
If you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.
They are very charming at first. They like suck you in. You can't stay married to someone like that... they will destroy you. |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| snoopyjoe - 2014-09-10 11:37 AM
I knew my marriage was over when my husband passed away. He was my best friend. Would never have considered a divorce. We always worked things out and were better for it. Married 25yrs
Very sorry to read this. So very sad . |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I knew my marriage was over when he told me to move out of HIS home and take our two kids (who at the time were 2 and 3 months old) and to take all that "western horse crap" too. Oh and when his new woman started threatening me to leave "her" man alone...  |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | T turning 3 - 2014-09-10 7:02 PM Following are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity:Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:___ They talk about themself and monopolizes the conversation.___ They never asks about me, or never listens when they do.___ They exaggerates achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited. ___ They expects constant praise or adoration. ___ They disregard or diminishes my feelings.___ They are demanding of me but isn’t there for me.___ They always puts tthemself first.___ They has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.___ They easily hurt and easily feels rejected; and can’t handle criticism.___ They have a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence. ___ They think others are jealous of them.___ They envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.___They take advantage of others for his own gain.___ They wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.If you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.
They are very charming at first. They like suck you in. You can't stay married to someone like that... they will destroy you.
OBTW the womans multimillionaire boyfriend (Robert Stansworth Sandy Utah) comitted suicide a month after I met her. Then her current boyfriend (Mathew Judd Carter, Salt lake City) when I was loaning her money comitted suicide January 30 2014.
In laymans turns for Narcissistic they think their Sheet doesn't stink!
Edited by Douglas J Gordon 2014-09-11 7:48 AM
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | After doing divorces for almost 15 years now, all I can say is everybody usually has "their something" that was just the final straw for them and ultimately made up their mind. I don't think that people easily walk away from marriages today because I see how long it takes most of them to make that call to an attorney or even just come in for an initial appointment. I think that people fall too easily into incompatible relationships more than they walk away from them. Some things just can't be fixed and some people just don't work well together. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Nateracer - 2014-09-10 4:25 PM
I'm not divorced, nor do I want to be, nor do I think my hubby wants to leave, but I will say this.
I think LOTS of people give up because the euphoric feeling of being "in love" leaves them. You have to work at it. I'm not saying that people should have butterflies and giddyness their entire relationship, because the feeling of love changes. It becomes comfortable, like a good sweatshirt. But sometimes that comfortable becomes too comfy, so you stop doing the little things and that's when the fire dies. When you ignore each other, of course the feelings die and then the resentment starts because you forgot what it feels like to work together, you feel like you are doing it all. You begin to hate having to ask, but you hate doing chores yourself too. Then you get too mad to even think about the bedroom. He's mad because you dried up. Downward sprial commences.
(I took Marriage 101 (seriously) psychology course in college. BEST class I think I ever had because SO much of it made sense!
I agree. Marriages are not easy. It requires maintenance. When that flame is low, its your job (on both sides) to put in 100%. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 933
Location: north dakota | When they constantly put you down especially when they start telling kids negative things about you. Physically abusive and preventing you from leaving your room. |
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 Wishing I were a Wildcat
Location: 'Hawk Country | T turning 3 - 2014-09-10 7:02 PM Following are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:
___ They talk about themself and monopolizes the conversation.
___ They never asks about me, or never listens when they do.
___ They exaggerates achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited.
___ They expects constant praise or adoration.
___ They disregard or diminishes my feelings.
___ They are demanding of me but isn’t there for me.
___ They always puts tthemself first.
___ They has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.
___ They easily hurt and easily feels rejected; and can’t handle criticism.
___ They have a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence.
___ They think others are jealous of them.
___ They envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.
___They take advantage of others for his own gain.
___ They wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.
If you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.
They are very charming at first. They like suck you in. You can't stay married to someone like that... they will destroy you.
Dang! I can put a check by every one of these about my ex.
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 507
Location: Lost in the corn of Iowa. | I was married for 9 years. The first half was great. But then he started not wanting to work and became just an ugly, bitter personality to be around. Never had a nice thing to say about anything. The day I knew it was over is when I walked in on him beating the kids. Beat me, belittle me but don't beat up a 9 yr old while her sister cries in the corner. I'm a firm believer in trying to the point of exhaustion but abuse is intolerable. To this day I don't think I'd stop to help him if he needed it.
ETA: That was my 2nd marriage. My first was when I was a teenager. Me and the father of both my girls decided that after 6 months it just wasn't meant to be. We were both 17 yrs old when we married. We fought at the end. So he wanted to split what little we had in half. I proceeded to take a chainsaw to EVERYTHING and then asked him what half was it that he exactly wanted?? He got to see the crazy that day. LOL!!!
Edited by Girls_Gotta_Jet 2014-09-12 12:47 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 529
| T turning 3 - 2014-09-10 6:02 PM
Following are the signs to look for before you get too caught up in a narcissist’s serving of egocentricity:Narcissistic Personality Disorder Checklist:___ They talk about themself and monopolizes the conversation.___ They never asks about me, or never listens when they do.___ They exaggerates achievements or talents; acts boastful or conceited. ___ They expects constant praise or adoration. ___ They disregard or diminishes my feelings.___ They are demanding of me but isn’t there for me.___ They always puts tthemself first.___ They has a sense of entitlement and becomes angry if not treated specially.___ They easily hurt and easily feels rejected; and can’t handle criticism.___ They have a fragile self-esteem but high self-confidence. ___ They think others are jealous of them.___ They envies others who are successful, attractive, or stylish.___They take advantage of others for his own gain.___ They wants to have the best of everything and is materialistic.If you can check off five or more statements above, you are dating a narcissistic personality.
They are very charming at first. They like suck you in. You can't stay married to someone like that... they will destroy you.
Wow...I know a few barrel racers that fit this ....  |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 554
| I was with one for 15 years and he was everything on the list. I supported him which that type expect/demands and when the jerk left he told me I owed him 150k. I said heck no and go to H *LL. So he inherited daddy's money and blew 100k on a phat bimbo that cleaned him out in 3 months and gave a gift that keeps on giving of an STD. The sucker begged me to come back and I was like, "if I ever see you again in this lifetime or anyother lifetime it will be too soon" he belives in the reincarnation stuff. Been single ever since and happy and one narcissistc relationship is enough for me and it can and will mess u up. |
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 Wishing on a star
Posts: 7935
Location: Where if you don't like the weather...wait 5 mins! | I was young (25, in my mind that was young!) when I got married and am thankful that I had the people on this board when I decided to leave. It wasn't one thing...it was many things. It wasn't abuse or nasty, it just didn't feel right. I felt like I needed to be someone I wasn't. I needed to be more independant and not NEED him so much. And that wasn't going to happen staying with him. So I chose to go out on my own and had to start from literally scratch. I had my truck/trailer and one weanling that I ended up selling to pay for first/last/deposit on a place with 2 roommates that I didn't even know nor like. But I wanted out and that's what I had to do to get myself back.
My daughter became the most important thing to me and she deserved it. I have never remarried and really never had anyone in my life besides one guy for a 3 year period. I left 11 years ago.
I am single again, and have been for 2 years and have to say that it's easier than dealing with someone else's bs. My daughter is my world and she loves it that way and I do too.
I am able to be selfish, self centered and spend every last extra dollar on barrel racing, my daughter and the horses and nobody gets to complain to me about it! It's HEAVEN!!
But you have to be ready to be lonely from time to time, and realize that it's not the loneliness that is what is bothering you, it's thinking you NEED someone else to complete you, I have found that is really the problem. Now it can be said that my daughter is giving me false hope that I don't NEED anyone else. And they might be right. I hope to never see it that way and be content with my life as I have chosen to live it.
Good luck!
Edited by BrlRcrMT 2014-09-12 2:24 PM
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | I don't want to get married after reading this thread  |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Not all husbands are bad. Mine is funny, strong, kind and loves to spoil me. I don't go crazy with spending but he never saids no, why I bought 2 Caldwell saddles this summer and am looking at a 5th horse. He doesn't dictate what I do, I don't run every purchase by him but out of respect, if I am going to spend $$ on saddles, horses, etc, I do get his OK. I adored him just as much when we were first married and dead broke the first 10 years of our marriage as I do now. I love being with him-never a dull moment.
I appreciate him every day.
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 Expert
Posts: 2135
Location: Somewhere else | Mine cheated but I've stayed. Have no choice. We get along but it's only a matter of time. I'll never get married again. My first and only marriage.
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | hoofs_in_motion - 2014-09-12 2:24 PM
I don't want to get married after reading this thread
Husbands aren't all bad. I'm married to my absolute best friend. He's hardworking, funny, gentle, and loving. He'd never hesitate to do anything for me or our two boys (2 years and 1 month). He is encouraging with my horses, rarely and quietly complains about the money I spend on them. He isn't controlling, but if I'm making a big decision, a decision about our boys, or going to spend a good chunk of money - I run it past him out of respect, and expect the same from him. He makes me laugh daily, we still have just as much fun as we did when we first started dating, I find him as attractive now as I did then (except his stupid mustache that I'd love to shave off in his sleep), and every year it has only gotten better.
Don't give up on the good men because of some unruly boys. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Too true, not all husbands are bad. My husband is perfect for me. Yes, I do need him- to be completely happy. If something were to happen to that man I would be devastated. My life would not be nearly as good without him. I do realize how unbelievably blessed I am. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1034
| When he got Dengue Fever and I couldn't muster any feelings of worry. That sign came right after I took the kids to a family funeral trip without him. My grandpa (who raised me) had passed and my ex wasn't interested in going. In fact, he forbade me to go because the travel was too expensive. I went anyway and was gone for a month. I didn't miss him a bit.
Of course, there were obviously issues prior, but those were my lightbulb moments.
ETA: I am remarried for 7 years now. I miss him when he's gone for 15 minutes.
Edited by HorseMommyFiveO 2014-09-12 4:07 PM
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| farmer's tan - 2014-09-12 3:51 PM rowdy256 - 2014-09-12 2:12 PM I was with one for 15 years and he was everything on the list. I supported him which that type expect/demands and when the jerk left he told me I owed him 150k. I said heck no and go to H *LL. So he inherited daddy's money and blew 100k on a phat bimbo that cleaned him out in 3 months and gave a gift that keeps on giving of an STD. Been single ever since and happy and one narcissistc relationship is enough for me and it can and will mess u up. My Ex blew over a $million on his new "ride" (her horse, trailer, pickup, entry fees, diesel etc ) but it took her a little over 3 years to go through it. And I could only hope that she gave him a "gift" like yours got. They are BOTH narcissists--he loved that he was responsible for her rise to fame-and she definately took advantage of it!! She now keeps him on a leash, and has two more Daddy Warbucks as well. GOOD RIDDANCE -- and nope, I will NEVER go down the aisle again. No, I don't think all men/husbands are bad, I know some good ones. I just think I'm too exhausted after the last one to try--as rowdy said once is enough!
Men can be so stupid. |
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boon
Posts: 2
| hoofs_in_motion - 2014-09-12 2:24 PM
I don't want to get married after reading this thread
Just because someone else's marriage didn't work out doesn't mean they all won't work.
I was dead set I was going to marry the love of my life in he was everything i wanted...& then, He started ignoring phone calls, stayed out all night, had me convinced horses & rodeo was nothing but an out for Wh*res to be Wh*ores on the road & had a real big problem verbally abusing me. I sold my horses, trailer & moved into a fancy house away from my family. He had a piece of chit phone & left it laying on the table. It went off and came back on with the photo gallery open...boy was that a surprise. I started slowly planning on how i was going to leave. . One morning i left for work & by 6pm that night I had all my stuff packed & I was gone before he ever knew what hit him. Not sure whatever became of his side jobs....didn't even get their names. lol
At first, I had it in my mind that man robbed me of everything I was made my life H3LL. BUT after being alone for YEARS. I met a guy in 2009 through a mutual friend...ran from him for few years lol i didn't want to go through that crap again. Finally gave in & went on a date with him. made it official in 2012. 2013 he asked me to marry him at a rodeo. got married 5 months later. I have horses coming out of my ears, he's my biggest fan, Rodeo is OUR life. We have a BEAUTIFUL child (not biologically his) but he claims her & loves her more than life itself. God is so good & he sent me my loving man I just had to weed through the crappy ones first.
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | How do you just find a job and a place to live? I have 2 young boys. And put up with a HELL of a lot of $hit because I am just not sure how to make it work. Had my own job, loved it, but it was never enough. If I could just find that job that would cover the cost of living and a fixer upper... |
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| When your husband is seen at a Wal-mart with another woman, in the middle of the day when you think hes at would be a good warning sign. |
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 I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| When his jabs and lack of attention no longer hurt me and I realized that I had been the only one actually in the marriage for 25 years.....he had spent all of his time pushing me away and waiting for me to leave. He finally shouted at me that he was moving out and wanted a divorce. I quietly replied "OK, your stuff will be here when you are ready for it." No tears, no begging, I was done.
He then shouted "Do you want to go to counseling!!!" and I quietly replied "yes". (we had actually been a couple of times over the years where he sat with folded arms and never said a word). This time he was ready to participate...I think that me NOT fighting scared him (we did not fight until the 2 of those 25 years).
That was over 10 years ago. While our marriage is not perfect, it is MUCH better than it was.
Sometimes not giving up after you have given up works. |
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 Regular
Posts: 58
Location: Georgia | I realized I was tired of trying so hard to please him and that I never could. We were together for 10 years. It just turned into something that wasn't sustainable. He took an out of town job and I was relieved he was gone and that I didn't have to hear his complaining (with two young kids at home this was a huge relief) I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused.
edited to add: Yes, this is a sad thread. I do believe in marriage. I would have tried to work it out if he had wanted too, didn't want my kids to go through it, but truly I think we were incompatible. He is happily remarried and so am I. I wish our society as a whole did more to encourage people to look for compatibility rather than just discourage divorce.
Edited by chickenfarmersgirl 2014-10-01 8:43 PM
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 Swiffer PIcker Upper
Posts: 4015
Location: Four Corners Colorado | wyoming barrel racer - 2014-09-14 2:31 PM How do you just find a job and a place to live? I have 2 young boys. And put up with a HELL of a lot of $hit because I am just not sure how to make it work. Had my own job, loved it, but it was never enough. If I could just find that job that would cover the cost of living and a fixer upper...
If you live in the middle of no where that is the problem. Wages are low cost of living is high. Getting your self in a better position on the down low is impossible. I had the same issues but I'm still married. Luckily he's changed and it has stuck for a year. To be honest with you I'm still kinda lost. I spent years trying to find a way out and now that he has turned around I'm sorta lost. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | I was dealing with major issues, skin cancer and 4 bulging discs lumbar area, spinal stenosis that made my legs numb, and I realized he didn't care about me or the ranch. I might have to file bankruptcy I don't know, I am afraid and I am through with him.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | Sometimes it is like a light switch, you just know when it is over. I couldn't be like my mother in law who stayed no matter what. I have a lot of respect for women who stay with one man or vice versa. I couldn't cow down. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 900
Location: Monticello, AR | No help at home....would not help with bills at home....I had signed for a note at the bank for him to start a business. The ONLY way he got the money, as he had NO CREDIT! And then the cheating and everything that goes with that. I told myself I could put up with whatever, because I had one divorce under my belt and did not want another one....so I kept putting up with his crap. Until the day he wanted the house to be cooler, and turned the thermostat down. I turned it back down....he said to turn it back and I told h when he staters helping pay the bills he could put it wherever he wanted. He said he paid the bills at the shop ( "his" business) , so I told him to freaking go live at the shop. And then told h to pack his s....it and get out. That was 2007 and I wish I had done it YEARS earlier.....very happy with my life and have NO plans to marry again. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 824
Location: Duvall, WA | While this may be a sad thread I agree with the person who said they wished we put more emphasis on marrying the right/compatible person rather than staying married no matter what. If they had, I probably should have known when I cried on my wedding day (not happy tears) that is was not going to be happily ever after. Twenty-two years and three kids later my horse fell on me on a trail ride and broke my leg two years ago in June. I had to get back on and ride two miles home, a nice couple helped me and I used their phone to call ahead and give hubby a heads up. Still wouldn't get off the couch, the other people had to help me unsaddle. Finally he did take me to the hospital, got home and he made dinner for the kids. Not me. I figured if I had to do it all myself with a broken leg I was better off alone.
I have since met and married a wonderful man who shows Labradors with me. We are best friends and constant companions, and it is such a joy having a good relationship I can't believe I lived my life like I did, with someone for whom I had zero respect. I wish more women had the strength to leave, I know it took me way too long. Another clue for me is when he was out of town I often wondered--why do I feel so different? I realized it was because I wasn't constantly annoyed. Having that weight off my shoulders may seem petty but it was huge. Now I can't wait for my man to come home.
And now, after two years, I am back on BHW. :)
Edited by NipntuckLR 2014-10-01 10:07 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 1526
Location: Texas | Sometimes you grow apart and it just isn't working! I'm a firm believer in if it's falling apart let it bc if it's meant to be it will fall together! I am divorced and it was the single hardest thing I have ever been thru in my life. My husband did cheat so in my mind I left bc of his blatant disregard for protecting my LIFE. I could not stay with someone that was so careless with my LIFE. It was very hard and it is extremely difficult! Now looking back I was an idiot! I am a million times happier! I am where I am meant to be! I will not sugar coat it though you have to be tough! |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | When I realized that on the day my c-section was scheduled and he wanted to sleep in, leaving me to feed 12 horses. Also he would say he was "cleaning" the barn and I'd go to feed in the morning and there was an empty 24 pack of beer hidden around the hayloft. Then there was the DUI's and the last straw was when he had a hit and run while drunk and called me to pick him up. I didn't know what was going on so I picked him up. When I told him I was taking him to the cops, he grabbed me by the throat with our daughter in the back seat and tried to make me crash my truck. I filed for an emergency protective order and divorce the next day. Our divorce took longer to finalize than we were married. The warning signs of abuse were there and I thank god every day I was able to walk away. He now is married to a "girl" who is MUCH younger than him and they are having baby number 2. Meanwhile he has my daughter and another kid he had while we were married (found out he'd cheated multiple times) and he cannot support them, but he won't sign his rights over.
I remarried almost a year and a half ago and he is my best friend. I was gun shy, and I still have some things I'm working on letting go of, but he loves me and my daughter and my insecuritites.
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How did you know when your marriage was over?