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 Expert
Posts: 3534
   
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | This is really hard for me to post about. My husband and I lost our first child, our daughter, 5 weeks ago. She was stillborn 3 weeks before her due date. We went in for our regular checkup and there was no heartbeat. We have no reason that this happened except that she most likely pinched her cord and cut off her own blood flow. I'd had a perfect pregnancy otherwise. Every test and checkup came back fine. I had been there 11 days prior and had an ultrasound and they said everything still looked great. My husband and I were/are shocked, devastated, heartbroken.....the list goes on. In the time since I've gone throuhg every emotion possible. I am 31 and he is 37. We celebrated our 3rd anniversary the week after we had her. We've known each other 6 years.
One day before the doctor appt my MIL hosted a baby shower at her house with about 15 of her friends.
Five days prior my co-workers threw a surprise shower/food day to celebrate baby Mira.
Eight days prior my mom and grandma hosted a baby shower with my family and firends. Approx 60 people.
After the news at the doctors office, I had to go to the hospital and be induced. They had told me labor could last for days and could be very painful. Luckily I was only in the hospital about 15 hours before I delivered her. We had about 2 days with her, to hold her, take photos, take clay imprints of her fingers and feet. For the first time in my life, I saw my dad cry. The day after we left the hospital we met with the funeral director to plan a service. We had to pick a cemetery plots. Not only did we buy a spot for our daughter, we bought our spots next to her. We placed an order for her headstone, along with our headstone, on her original due date. I picked out rocking horses, carousel's and teddy bears to set up at the funeral home. All of the baby shower gifts were still sitting in the front room of our house in bags and boxes because we did not have time to go through them before we found out this news (we thought we had a few more weeks to get organized). We have since went through the gifts and taken them to her room. My husband and I go to the cemetery every day.
So here is my problem. My MIL has bugged me to death about Thank You notes for her friends. (my mom and grandma have not said a word about sending thank you notes). Everytime she is at our house she asks about them and she texts me about them multiple times a week. In fact, the first time they were at our house without other people here (within a week of losing our daughter), she got out her handwritten sheets with names and addresses and starts off with "I hope this isn't to soon but I want you to think about sending these". She also wants me to send a thank you to every person who showed up at the funeral or sent flowers to the funeral. She also offers to write the thank yous and send them out for us. I feel that this is a unique situation and people that came to the shower understand this situation and that people that came to the funeral or sent flowers did not do it to receive a thank you. I have been to hundreds of calling hours or funerals and have never received a Thank You. I did not go to receive a Thank you note. At work I have thrown numerous surprise birthday parties, baby showers and wedding showers and taken cards around for funeral losses of coworkers. I have gone around and taken up thousands of dollars in donation money for gifts, charities, etc and have never received or expected a thank you. The MIL is bugging me to death about this. She wants us to send notes to all of our co-workers also. I feel like people have done what they have to help console us because they wanted to, not because they want a thank you. In my life, when family members have passed, nobody has sent out Thank yous.
Now, for some background, this woman grew up very poor. When she raised her kids, she stretched a dollar farther than you'd ever think it could stretch. She now believes she is the Queen of England. Her house looks like a museum. I have never seen a home so formal with everything in it's place. She cleans it daily. She even cleans her stuff in storage in her attic and basement. Animals are not allowed in her house. She critisizes everybody elses house. I could go on and on, but this is already long enough. I'm just looking for opinions. Prior to the showers, I had already bought thank you cards with intentions of sending them but my husband and I have learned "that the impossible is possible". You always worry something will happen to your child, but you never believe this will really happen. I personally am not feeling up to sitting down and writing out thank yous right now and the situation feels worse due to her constant pressure about it. |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
 
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | id tell her to take a flying leap........actually your husband should be telling her to back off........
sorry for your loss...:(
m |
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 Texas Tenderheart
Posts: 6715
Location: Red Raiderland | I'm so very sorry for your loss and tell your MIL to butt out! I would never expect any kind of thank you after the loss y'all are dealing with.  |
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| I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you and your family are feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks for you just reading what you have been through. The only suggestion that I can make is if your MIL offered to write and send the thank you notes, then go ahead and allow her to do so. I'm sure that people do understand and do not expect a thank you however it will relieve the pressure off of you to write them, plus give your MIL something to do instead of pester you. Many prayers for you and your family.  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1028
| I'd say you have enough to worry about without her bugging you. No advice really, just hugs and prayers. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| I am so sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
I'd ask your husband to stand up to her and tell her to back the F off. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Prayers to you and your family.
I agree with Misty, I would tell her that
I will write thank you's to who I want and when I want, right now I don't want to. If you respect me you will not bring this up again, I am mourning the death of my child.
Again Prayers to your family, and during this time, no reasonable person would expect a thank you, nor would they think worse of you for screaming at your MIL
It actually might be good for the soul to tell her to shove it
Edited by cheryl makofka 2014-09-17 12:49 PM
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 Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| I'm so sorry for your loss.
As for your MIL … tell her, "thank you. I know you're trying to help, but I'm just not ready. I will let you know when I'm ready and I'm sure that everyone will understand." |
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | lindseylou2290 - 2014-09-17 12:44 PM I am so sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers. I'd ask your husband to stand up to her and tell her to back the F off.
What she said! I am so sorry for your loss. Many prayers to you and your hubby. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | LAC - 2014-09-17 12:43 PM I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you and your family are feeling is unimaginable. My heart breaks for you just reading what you have been through. The only suggestion that I can make is if your MIL offered to write and send the thank you notes, then go ahead and allow her to do so. I'm sure that people do understand and do not expect a thank you however it will relieve the pressure off of you to write them, plus give your MIL something to do instead of pester you. Many prayers for you and your family.
^^^ THIS........I am SO sorry for your loss! Having never lost a child, I can not imagine the pain and agony that you have been through in the past few weeks. Prayers for you and your family. Please, don't let your MIL take away your right to grieve in your own personal way! |
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 Buttered Noodles Snacker
Posts: 4377
Location: NC | mruggles - 2014-09-17 12:35 PM id tell her to take a flying leap........actually your husband should be telling her to back off........
sorry for your loss...:(
m
What mruggles said!!!! I am so extremely sorry for your loss I can not imagine going through what you are right now. I feel double sorry that your MIL is adding to your grief with this! Have you talked to your husband? I feel like he should tell her to back off. I really don't understand the big whoop about thank you cards anyways. its not like you didn't thank the people in person when you had the showers.... If your friends and family don't understand what a horrible thing you are going through and have even noticed to care that they havn't gotten a thank you card they aren't real friends anyways!!!! prayers for you and your husband. |
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 Ones with the Hotties
Posts: 1451
Location: Centerburg, OH | So sorry. Praying for YOU and your family. Im afraid you are not alone most everyone I know had a nutty MIL esp me. Main reason we don't have children(I can right books but life is to short.) HANG IN THERE YOU NEED TIME!
Hugs |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | Tell her to take flying leap off the nearest cliff and leave you the hell alone!!
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I'm so sorry.
Let your MIL write them since she's the one worried about it. Trust me...the older generation is gonzo for thank you notes!!!
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 Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Bless your heart, 429, my heart aches for you and your husband. I can't imagine the pain of what you two have experienced. I will definitely keep you two in my thoughts.
As for the MIL, I would politely tell her that you will get to the thank you notes for the shower in time when you are able to and that you would appreciate a little patience and space right now. If that doesn't work, then take lindseylou's advice above.
Big hugs to you!!!! |
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Ones with the Hotties
Posts: 1451
Location: Centerburg, OH | Aso the thank you cards are her problem no one expects you to do that now. I think I read in an ediqute thing some where that you have a year to write them. People gave you those gifts out of love and don't expect anything from you. Maybe by focusing on the notes and harassing you is your MIL way of coping. Don't let her bully you but you cant let it ruin your delicate relationship.
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by it. I'm guessing maybe that's how she is coping for the loss... the need to "do" something. I would take her up on her offer to write the notes. That way you have more time to worry about you and your husband. |
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 Go Your Own Way
Posts: 4947
Location: SE KS | Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. So sorry..... |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | Ok, I'm the odd man out and do think that Thank yous should be written for both shower gifts and memorials/flowers BUT in your own time. I guess I've never been to a funeral where a memorial or flowers has been given and a thank you note wasn't recieved. However as someone else said, if you MIL offered to write the Thank You's then let her take that burden from you during this most difficult time. |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | I cannot imagine what you and your husband are going through. I am so very sorry.
If the MIL brings it up again and suggests that she writes the notes - let her do so. Maybe it is her way of trying to help you.
Prayers and hugs for you and your husband. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. You shouldn't have to do anything like that. People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Now or ever. You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. If she will do it and be happy...fine. But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 504
Location: Illinois | First of all, I'm so sorry about your baby. I have been in your shoes, losing our son at 34 weeks, thinking nothing was wrong and then your entire life gets turned upside down. The toughest thing you will ever have to do is plan the funeral of your child. Right now you are allowed to feel however you want. If you want to cry go ahead, if not that's ok too. You are dealing with something that other people cannot even begin to understand unless they have been there. Five weeks ago is such a short amount of time. I am 6 years from the death of my son and I can say it takes a long time. I know that I was not able to go into my son's room for many months following our loss. Everything I had received as gifts was in there, I couldn't tell you what was in there for the longest time. People who actually expect you to be able to write thank you cards for gifts after what you've been through are cold and heartless. I would agree with others, if she is that worried about it, tell her to go ahead and write them. I think maybe the deeper problem here (and I felt this way with some family members) is that she figures you should just move on and be over it, you can always have another, not that big of a deal, etc. and that she doesn't care or upset at all about the baby. I may completely miss that so I apologize if so.
and as a side, please feel free to contact me if you need someone, even if it's just someone to listen :) |
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 Expert
Posts: 2276
Location: ohio-in my own little world with pretty ponies :) | Oh Michelle I'm soo sorry!!! Tell MIL to shove it! You are grieving and the last thing you should be worrying about is sending out your thank you's. If she is so worried about it, tell her to do it. I guarantee everyone will understand the situation. <> |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| I am so sorry, I can't imagine your pain. MIL needs to back off.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-09-17 1:53 PM
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 Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| I can't begin to say how sorry I am for you and your family. You MIL needs to mind her own business. And IF you feel up to it to send thank you's for the gifts proper protocol is you have 1 year to get them out... Miss Manners says 1 year for weddings and births. As the newlyweds ared busy getting thier lives organized and new parents are WAY busy with figuring out parenting.. NOW in your case I would say you have enough on your plate to worry about when or if those thank you's are taken care of.
I'll pray for you and your husband, remember that greif has no time limit you greive in your own way and time.
And don't feel bad if you are slower or faster than your husband... TIME take it.
 I couldn't find the hugs so maybe you can get one from this guy.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1074
| I'm so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. In my area, we send thank you notes for flowers, food and memorials made for your loved one. However, I feel that you and your husband need time to grieve. If you don't feel like writing the thank you notes, allow her to. Maybe her bothering you about the notes is part of her healing process too. I understand that everyone grieves and heals in their own way. This may be her way to help you and your husband as well. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | TrailGirl - 2014-09-17 1:26 PM Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. You shouldn't have to do anything like that. People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Now or ever. You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. If she will do it and be happy...fine. But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly.
This. If I had a friend that was going through this, I would rather NOT receive a thank you card. It's like pouring salt on the wound.
She sounds incredibly insensitive. Instead of letting you do things on your own time, she is making it her mission to get those cards out. What's the big deal? Maybe she's worried that people will think she has an ungrateful daughter-in-law. I assure you, NO ONE is thinking that right now, so she needs to get over it.
Or you could just lie and tell her you sent them.
Edited by Gunner11 2014-09-17 2:08 PM
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 Water Weight Barbie
Posts: 6829
Location: Oz, Kansas | I am so very sorry for your loss. I would tell her that if she's so worried about then she can send out thank yous but only to the people that can to the shower that she hosted. In a situation like this, I would not expect a thank you. |
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 Rebel Without a Cause
Posts: 2758
Location: Adopt a homeless pet - www.petfinder.com! | I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a stickler for thank you notes for gifts however, I would NEVER think a negative thing if I didn't receive one in a situation like this. It's your time to heal now and anyone thinking otherwise would be selfish. |
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Expert
Posts: 3534
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | Thank you for all the replies and kind words. I guess I just needed some reassurance that I wasn't just being 'lazy' about these thank you notes. Or being the crazy DIL. To put it simple, it has been a roller coaster.
I told my husband the same thing, that if we had a friend that went through this, I would feel bad if I received a thank you note from them.
I think some of the problem is that her and I were raised in different time periods and different locations. At the funeral, the sign in book did not have lines for an address. She has gone on and on about how upset she is that there was no place for address'. I told her that I've never seen a book at a funeral with address lines. She said that where she was raised, you always put your address in the book. And when something is different due to location or generations, she can't accept that. She believes how she lives is 'normal' and anybody who doesn't live like her is different. The first time she came to a horse show, she said "this is so different" or 'this is so weird' a hundred times. She was even taking photos of me cleaning a pile of poop near the horse trailer so I didn't step in it. I couldn't get her to understand that this is my 'normal', that I've always been around horses and that her not having horses is weird to me but i don't constantly remind her of that. |
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 Born not Made
Posts: 2937
Location: North Dakota | Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever gotten a thank you card for a baby shower gift I have given.
And it makes no difference to me. A gift is a gift.
I would NEVER EVER imagine someone who just went through what you went through, to send me a thank you card for a gift that has no recipient (the baby). I think you and your husband (together) need to tell her to back off.
Has the MIL ever lost a child? If she has not, I'd tell her to back off because she has no idea what the two of you are going through right now.
My condolenses.
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | First of all I am so sorry for your loss! Your MIL is being extremely selfish. Quite frankly I would hope your husband would help run interference for you and help her understand that you are not ready to do it. If it is so important to her then let her go ahead and write them and send them. I probably would have gone off on her by now and it would not have been pretty.
Again prayers to you and your husband! |
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 I Prefer a Beard
Posts: 1944
| I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child to stillbirth is a truly devastating experience. I lost my middle son to stillbirth a little over ten years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don't grieve for him and wonder who he would be today. Right now you need to worry about you and if you don't want to send out thank you notes then don't. I didn't send thank you notes when I lost my son, I just could not do it. Could your husband maybe talk to your MIL and explain that you just can't do it right now. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers and if you ever need to talk to someone please send me a pm. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | I really truly am a stickler for thank yous. I was raised that they are expected, for every occasion. And yes, I have to listen to my grandmother gossip about the ones that don't send them.
But even I would not expect one in this situation. No one should.
If it really is causing drama/tension, then next time she brings it up I would just let her take care of them for the sake of ending the issue.
This period should be untarnished with trivial matters and the two of you should be left alone to grieve. |
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 Do You Feel Lucky Punk?
Posts: 3156
Location: NM...the Land of Manana | I am so very sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine the pain you are in. Perhaps you could write a letter of thanks to everyone who attended your showers, attended the funeral and sent condolences and have it published in the local paper and that way you only have to do it once and MIL will maybe STHU. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| TrailGirl - 2014-09-17 1:26 PM
Wow...If I were a co-worker or friend of yours I would honestly feel bad if you had to take the time and emotional energy to write me a thank you card. You shouldn't have to do anything like that. People will surely understand and know that you appreciate them without you having to deal with the formality of writing those notes! Now or ever. You have quite enough on your plate.
Now...if you feel like letting the MIL write them for you...just make sure she isn't the type to hold that over your head later. If she will do it and be happy...fine. But if she will bring up that fact to you over and over in the future...that she "had" to write those cards...well...It's probably better to tell her no. Not "I'll do them later"...but NO. and don't mention it again.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly.
Exactly! I never expect thank you cards for anything though and in all honesty if I do get one I look at it and toss it in the trash. I personally think its a waste and in this situation DEFINITELY not expected. Im so sorry for your loss .. how very sad. Many prayers sent. If it means so much to your MIL to have thank you notes sent to her friends, id just tell her you are healing and aren't able to handle the task right now , let her do it. I also think your husband needs to step in and tell momma to back off. Hugs.... |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 927
Location: Iowa | I'm sending you and your husband hugs. Try to print of a generic thank you to stick in the cards and be done. |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Hugs and prayers for you. You come across in your postings as a very wonderful, kind, considerate, thoughtful and loving person. I would be blessed to have you as my DIL. And I can assure you I would not now - or ever - ask you about thank you notes. You MIL comes across as rigid and insensitive. Shame on her. IMHO, your husband should have a private conversation with his mother -- asking her to give you space -- letting her know the depth of your - and his - grief. She may just be oblivious to what she is doing -- and having it brought to her attention may snap her to attention. She should be supporting you - being there for you to do whatever YOU ask her -- not her telling you what you should do. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I am so sorry you and your husband are in my prayers.
I would not expect a thank you letter ever if I had given you a shower gift under the circumstances.
If it were me I would let the MIL write the thank you letters. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1114
Location: CA | I am very sorry for your loss. I want to tell you that this is not the time to worry about those thank you cards, have your husband tell her to drop it. I would also suggest when you are up for it ...setting boundaries for your insensitive mother in law. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I would assume you don't need her telling you what you should be doing right now.. Again, I am so sorry.
Edited by allaboutme 2014-09-18 3:52 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Sorry for your loss. The last thing you need is a nagging MIL bugging you about stupid thank you notes. Im sure at one point, you will lose your cool and tell her to go kick rocks. Anyone in your life knows your sensitive situation and Im sure they dont expect a thank you note for the baby gifts. Take time to grieve.... prayers to you and your husband. |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | 5 weeks ago this happened??? I lost a pregnancy this year. I'm barely back together and it's been months. Please take time to heal without worrying about how others feel. You are allowed to be broken, to hurt, to feel angry, sad, and whatever else you need to feel to get through this. You should NOT have to worry about thank you notes! I am so sorry you are feeling this pressure. It makes me so sad for you. Please have your husband shut her up! She should be bringing you meals, cleaning your house, letting you cry on her shoulder, holding you through your pain...not harassing you! (my MIL disappeared, which really upset me. But after reading this, I'm kinda glad! ;) )
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I wish I could just give you a hug. As a parent, you have experienced our worst fears come true and I hurt for you. Saying sorry for your loss doesn't even begin to convey me hurting for you or begin to lessen your pain.
Your MIL needs to step back and recognize what you are going through. And maybe this is her way of handling the pain, not that it makes it acceptable behavior.
I wouldn't expect a thank you card from you. Instead, I would be asking what I could do for you, And if you lived close, I'd be bringing casseroles and valium. (Only if I could find it.) No one who knows what you are going through expects a card. And if they ask about it, they'll feel like an A$$ when they hear about your loss.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| OMG your story just struck total fear in my heart as I am 7 months pregnant with my first and everything is "normal." I cannot imagine what you are going through right now and honestly I would have your husband tell your MIL to do WHATEVER it takes to get what SHE feels necessary. If that means writing the letters herself, then do so. If she expects you to write them...then it will have to wait. And if it was me I would tell my husband to tell her the next time she brings it up she will be lucky to escape the house without being stabbed or suffocated. OMG I can't IMAGINE!!! That is SO RUDE and SO INSENSITIVE at the moment. They are only CARDS!!! |
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine and you and your husband will be in my prayers.
On your MIL, I would have the hubby tell her to back off and I don't think I could let her write them personally. It's entirely too soon to be worried about Thank You cards. I will say that if you do it sooner rather than later, it might/maybe/possibly help remind you of how many people love and care about you guys... It may in some miniscule way show a little glimmer that you aren't on your own island as you deal with extremely sad time. I'm so very sorry, this just breaks my heart..
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4641
Location: Texas | I have no advice. I just wanted to let you know that you and your husband are in my prayers. I am so sorry for your loss...
Edited by BarrelRacing4Christ 2014-09-19 10:38 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3534
Location: Stuck in a cubicle having tropical thoughts | abrooks - 2014-09-19 1:05 PM I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine and you and your husband will be in my prayers.
On your MIL, I would have the hubby tell her to back off and I don't think I could let her write them personally. It's entirely too soon to be worried about Thank You cards. I will say that if you do it sooner rather than later, it might/maybe/possibly help remind you of how many people love and care about you guys... It may in some miniscule way show a little glimmer that you aren't on your own island as you deal with extremely sad time. I'm so very sorry, this just breaks my heart..
This is how I feel. I feel like if they are going to be written at all, they should come from my husband and myself. I don't really know how to describe it but I think I'd feel even worse if she sent them out because they would not be genuine. They would just be sent out because she feels they HAVE to. |
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | docschic - 2014-09-17 1:15 PM Ok, I'm the odd man out and do think that Thank yous should be written for both shower gifts and memorials/flowers BUT in your own time. I guess I've never been to a funeral where a memorial or flowers has been given and a thank you note wasn't recieved. However as someone else said, if you MIL offered to write the Thank You's then let her take that burden from you during this most difficult time.
^^^^ I may be in the minority, but I agree with this.
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I need opinions/advice on handling this situation with MIL