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Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | My husband has to travel A LOT for work and is frequently gone for 2-4 weeks at a time, then when he gets home, he has to "catch up" in his office so works long hours then as well. On top of that, he is in the reserves and has to work some nights after work and one weekend a month plus some deployments. I am also very busy as I work full time and volunteer a lot. (good to be busy while he's away).
My question is, for those of you that have spouses in simular situations, what do you do to stay close and have an intimate relationship? We've been married 5 years and it's always been this way but we've really drifted apart as he's gone so much it's hard for us to communicate and I don't really depend on him. We want to be closer but don't really know how given our circumstances. We text, call and email letters when we can but when he gets home from a trip, I feel really disconnected to him and have trouble adjusting to him being home again as I get in a routine when he's away. I know theres many people out there that have simular situations so wondering if you could help me! |
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  That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
 
| I don't really have any advise, but I think it is neat that you care enough about it to seek ideas to improve the relationship. That desire alone will help! |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Have you tried skyping?
when my boyfriend and I were dating long distance we would always leave a teeshirt/some comfy fabric behind and you would be surprised at how much I wore his shirts when he was gone! I know he didn't wear mine, but I know he always snuggled with my pillow :) |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 596
Location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere | I think the biggest thing you both need to do is to commit to time to be together....it sounds like you both commit to everything but the time at home together. I would start there, coffee in the morning if just to share what you plan to do for the day....date night would be a good start too. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Can you go meet him sometimes (in a hotel room)? |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | ps....I have other suggestions :) |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | My husband and I are pretty much in your boat. He is gone for a minimum of two weeks at at time and is usually home for 3 or 4 days. We talk at last once a day. Many times we text during day or night if we can. Some days we oh talk for a minute or two as he is exhUsted when he gets done with work. I also travel a lot for work and keep busy with horses and chores around house and when he is home it sometimes feels like a huge inconvience. I remind myself that I only get to see him for a short time so I try hard to do what he wants. We usually do stuff around the house or take a little mini trip or something where we spend the time together. I even went fishing with him on the boat and I don't fish. Lol. I will also stay home from any jackpots or rodeos unless he wants to go or it's something really big! We have been doing this for a few years now and it works for me. I think he has a harder time with it then me but he deals with it pretty we |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | You have an intimate relationship by having sex anytime and every time he is at home or you get to see him... even when you don't feel connected. There is something about coming together as one that draws you back together. No, married life is not all about sex, but it should be important to both of you! Try the suggestion of maybe going to where he is instead of doing some of your volunteer work. While that is very admirable, your marriage should come first. It sounds like you really love him and are trying to make it work. Making the effort to do something different is huge in my opinion!
Blessings! |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 596
Location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere | I also wanted to say that sometimes it isn't actually distance that makes us feel disconnected with each other, we can have that feeling being close together. I think its because we get so comfortable with each other, or take that person for granted, that we forget to take the time to actually be together like you would when you are dating someone. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| nmeastplains - 2014-09-19 11:03 AM
I also wanted to say that sometimes it isn't actually distance that makes us feel disconnected with each other, we can have that feeling being close together. I think its because we get so comfortable with each other, or take that person for granted, that we forget to take the time to actually be together like you would when you are dating someone.
We have started going out dancing again after years of only doing the kids' stuff. It's great! Kinda forgot about doing something fun together that doesn't involve cattle, horses or kids. Dancing is more connecting for us than going to dinner and a movie. You actually have to be close to each other, no table between you. We didn't have a long distance relationship, but sometimes it sure felt that way. He works at a refinery and if he wasn't at cattle shows he was working overtime and usually got night shift on turnarounds. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 512
| I was in a long distance relationship with my husband for almost a year and we Skype frequently also! That helped so much to see his face-however I know it is very difficult to stay feeling connected. Maybe you could write him a card for every week he is gone-telling him how much you love him and so on. You could always wrap up some gifts and label them week 1, week 2, ect. Sending him treats, nic-nacs, or anything that he likes! That could help him feel closer to home also. I am sure being gone all the time gets lonely!
My husband absolutely loves pizza and I know sometimes he would be pressed for cash when we were dating long distance (due to trying to save up for plane tickets to visit and the engagement ring). So sometimes on a friday night I would order him his favorite pizza and have them deliver it. That always made him smile!
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 Swiffer PIcker Upper
Posts: 4015
Location: Four Corners Colorado | My husband is gone for 28 days at a time or more. I just do my best to help him feel connected with the day to day and keep him involved. We call or text several times a day. When he is home it is his and my time together. We go on dates when he is home. I bake and mail cookies and other little gifts to him at work. |
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | I feel your pain and it's a tough adjustment when they are gone AND when they come home.. My husband worked out of state for the past year. I have a demanding travel schedule with my job and was juggling all the chores (thank the Lord they are on pasture 24/7 and we had round bales and big water troughs).. While he was gone, we text often, 99.9% of the time we talked twice a day (maybe even just 1 minute). We had would talk about why we were doing this, what goals we were trying to accomplish working like this. It was important to stay on the the same page and know that it wasn't the permanent situation..
It was difficult to share space again, probably more so for me b/c I was used to my routine and so independent.. I honestly am still getting used to him being around so much. For me just making sure I take time for us & insist that he does too in a nonbossy way (morning coffee, walking, riding together, going to stupid roping pen down the road-jk I started roping more so I could do what he liked, insisting that I want him to go to the barrel race THEN spend time with him at said barrel race, etc..).. It's a work in progress, we could do the long distance thing again and it would be fine b/c we share the same goals that we are working for.. (having everything paid for and living at the farm)
We will celebrate our 10th anniversary in October and have been together 14 years (lots of our dating life was long distance as well)..
Edited by abrooks 2014-09-19 11:46 AM
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Good Ole Boys just Fine with Me
Posts: 2869
Location: SE Missouri | nmeastplains - 2014-09-19 11:03 AM I also wanted to say that sometimes it isn't actually distance that makes us feel disconnected with each other, we can have that feeling being close together. I think its because we get so comfortable with each other, or take that person for granted, that we forget to take the time to actually be together like you would when you are dating someone.
This is spot on and the toughest thing to keep in mind. A healthy relationship is such a precious thing and it should be cherished!! |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Thanks all! keep the suggestions coming, I'm writing this all down lol! I have traveled to see him several times but it's hard when we have a bunch of animals at home, I work full time and we have family in another state that I have to save time off to visit them. relationships definitely take work and healthy ones are something to be proud of for sure....hoping we can get there! |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Victoria's Secret and send him a selfie of you in it...... tell him, this will be waiting for you when you get home :)
Edited by LRQHS 2014-09-19 12:07 PM
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I Need a Xanax!
Posts: 2774
| Wow, my situation is so similar I could have written half of these responses myself. My husband has worked out of state and sometimes out of the country off and on for 6 years now. We have a kids who are 5 and 6 and I take care of everything at home and on our farm. I have became independent nearly to a fault and it IS an adjustment when he is here. I'm used to running the WHOLE show myself...kids, school, homework, sports, garden, yard work, horses, farm work, etc so it does take an adjustment in my schedule when he is here on the weekends. Sometimes I do get a tad resentful having to do 95% of raising our kids by myself and seeing other moms AND dads at their kids events TOGETHER as a family. As far as keeping close to him....I think we stay close because we both really DO appreciate what the other does. He brings home the bread and he knows I put in 100% in raising our kids. It is tough and I do wish he was here all the time. The options would be for your husband to find another job where he doesn't have to travel as much but I know how hard that is too. There really aren't many jobs in my husbands field that don't require traveling so much so I really don't have any advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone. |
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 Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| LRQHS - 2014-09-19 10:39 AM ps....I have other suggestions :)
BUT would have to PM those!!  |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | I'm in the same situation. Watching this post. ..I need help in this area of my life as well. I think its more what I need to feel connected. He doesn't complain or seem to feel the disconnect that I do... |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | firewaterfuelsme - 2014-09-20 11:58 AM
I'm in the same situation. Watching this post. ..I need help in this area of my life as well. I think its more what I need to feel connected. He doesn't complain or seem to feel the disconnect that I do...
Exactly true, I think woman need that connectedness more than men! That's the worst part! I can deal with him gone but feeling emotionally connected is hard! |
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 Three in a Bikini
Posts: 2035
| For me it is all about "mindset". I have to mentally tell myself that I am going to unplug from everything else going on and really just take the time to focus on him when we are together.
It is a two way street though so he has to do the same otherwise it is a one sided effort.
Just know that you are not alone!! My husband and I are not good on the phone. We rarely text or call unless it is an emergency so when we are apart for any amount of time it is important for us to actually be "with" one another mentally/physically/whatever else we need to do.
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How to stay close to your spouse.... long distance relationship