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 Can You Hear Me Now?
  
Location: When you hit the middle of nowhere .. Keep driving | To put it lightly I'm in the worst state mentally I have ever been in and its pulling me into depression... I'm afraid. I can't sleep because of nightmares, get sick when I eat and am so stressed my hair is falling out. It seems to be getting worse and I can't handle it
My father died about 5 weeks ago and it was completely unexpected. I took care of him for 15 years (he was a paraplegic) and he wasn't only my dad but my best friend. The day he died is giving me the nightmares because I was the only one here and he had what everyone thought was the flu, his nurse told me it was a bug. I spent the day taking care of him and in the evening he got a bit worse but refused to go to the hospital when I suggested it. We fought and I went out to leave a note for the nurse that came in the next day to see if she could get him to go. While I was gone he got quiet and when I went into check on him he was gone. They figure (but don't know for sure just base on things that happened throughout the day) he was bleeding internally all day and had a massive heart attack.
Everything has went wrong since. I tried to call 911 that night and it didn't work I had to get a friend to call from town, then I did CPR for 45 minutes until they got here only to have them call him 3 minutes after without doing anything. The coroner denied me an autopsy and even his doctor was shocked. The funeral home messed up and I couldn't do a funeral/visitation because if it (it gross and I'll save the details but I have to live with knowing and it disturbs me) . My brother and I aren't fighting but I still have to jump hoops through lawyers to get our farm and everything settled the government is making it hard and we have no debt or anything to factor in they are just being stupid. The simplest things at taking forever and are so complicated.
That's putting it lightly and in short form. The doctors gave me stuff but I'm too scared to take them I've heard stories and seen their affects on other members of my family. I do live on the farm right now and have been to help dad over the years. My boyfriend and brother are staying with me periodically. I am looking after things and it won't be for sale but as the days go by I feel like I need to get out and the walls are closing in so I thought of renting it out and getting away. Everywhere I turn are memories and it hurts. I want to leave for a few years and do my own thing plus the little changes that everyone is doing to the house even if it's just moving something dad kept in a place like the coffee maker is making me upset. I've had people tell me I'm making a mistake, my boyfriend had the nerve to say suck it up and our relationship I feel is on the rocks because of my grief (he doesn't want to leave the area), while other people say I should do what I feel is right and for me for a change. I'm lost and confused.
Sorry for the spelling mistakes I am on my kindle. And sorry for the vent |
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  Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
 
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | I'm so very sorry. I don't really know the answer. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and maybe a break from the constant reminder is a good idea. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | I'm so sorry you are going through this! But one thing you should know is that your father died at home with family...and not in some sterile cold hospital. That is a belssing in my view. All of the mess going on afterwards...all of the stress and hassle will fade. You sound like you have made it through the worst of the storm.
It sounds like what you need is a chance to reboot. Maybe even just getting away on a relaxing trip somewhere would give your mind a chance to rest and recover. Somewhere you want to go. Take the boyfriend and get away for a couple of weeks if you can. That distance and time may help you start healing and help you get some perspective for the future. Your dad wouldn't want you to be stressed and unhappy.
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | I'm so sorry, and I know you are grieving terribly.
First of all, do take something for the stress. It's just temporary, and it helps. You can't think straight with crippling anxiety.
I'm not sure about the leaving for a while. Control freak that I am, I would have to stay around to make sure everything was taken care of. Grief is a process you will have to go through, no matter where you are.
Don't be too hard on your boyfriend. His statement is insensitive, but he just doesn't get it.
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 Expert
Posts: 2457
| Can you talk to someone - like a pastor or a therapist to help you cope?
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had an answer for you. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Do what you need to do to save your sanity and get through the grieving process. Just don't do anything permanent right now. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Prayers to you in this time of healing.
I have not lost a loved one that close, so I cannot say I know what you are feeling but it sounds like two things are going on.
If sounds like you have always cared for your dad, and now he has passed you want to explore and experience life outside of your county, if this is the case go for it, but realize everyone will be moving on and if your boyfriend doesn't want to move, your relationship may be over, that too may be a blessing you may meet someone else who is a better fit, you may find a different life and never return.
It also sounds like you are trying to run away from your feelings, this is not normal, I suggest you speak with your priest, a counsellor, a therapist, and work through your feelings. It will take you time to get to acceptance, it will be easier to move through the stages of grief if you can share your feelings with non judgmental people.
Again hugs and prayers during your time of grief |
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 Ms. Poutability
Posts: 2362
Location: In my own world | We were home with my FIL when he passed away. Walked in to give him a shower, I was going to do some dishes. He hollered good morning from the living room when he heard us open the back door. When my husband walked in the living room he was slumped over shaking. We got him to the hospital. He had cancer and had been taking chemo. He got a bad infection. The ER doc raked my husband over the coals and accused us of not taking care of or checking in on his dad. It broke my husbands heart. We literally live 500 ft from his dad and my husband went down every morning early. I was there 2 to 3 times to check in throughout the day and then my husband did an evening visit. Plus home health. We now have to drive last his house every day. It's hard but it has gotten easier. I know your heart is broke. Hang in there. Maybe take a day trip. Just go and drive or find a serene place to be in peace and find strength. Please pm me if you want to talk. It's been almost 4 yrs and we still miss him every day |
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 The Bird Lady
Posts: 6440
Location: The end of the Earth, SE AR | I am so sorry you went through all this. Some times medications can be a lifesaver, some are not as severe as others, you need to talk to your physician. Like others have said, do not do anything permanent right now but try to find solace in the animals, activities and trusted friends you have. You mind and body needs peace to heal and I pray that you recieve that peace and comfort you need. |
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 Wide Darn Open
Posts: 2141
| I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been depressed and full of anxiety and it's so hard to see clear in the midst of that dark place. I'm a big fan of getting away and changing your scenery and focus. Our pastor's message yesterday was on how important our focus is. Whatever we focus on is magnified. So maybe getting away from there for awhile might make it easier not to focus on those things that are trying to paralyze you with fear. Praying for you! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 984
Location: Southwest Minnesota | I have no advice...prayers to you and your family. |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | You are mourning the loss of your father so some of what your feeling is normal.
Your trying to control things that are not controllable, let it go. This might sound harsh, but nothing will change that your father has passed. Allow yourself as much time as you need, and let others handle the estate, or put that on the back burner until your able to come to terms with handling things that represents your father. AND DO NOT TAKE antidepressants, I have witnessed what they can do to a person, and what I saw was nothing I would consider an improvement over their moods.
So sorry for your loss.
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | I have no real advice. When I had some trouble at work, they were able to give me some stuff for anxiety that wasn't the long term stuff. It helped me for a couple months and then I got off. I was always really careful and took it mostly for insomnia and not every night.
So sorry for your loss. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| I definitely feel that you should go see a good therapist. You'd be surprised how relieving it is to cry your guts out in someone's office, then go home to deal with stuff. It's sort of like the weight shifts it's hold. Just telling someone that knows the right questions to ask, someone who understands the toll that the stress is taking on you, is very liberating.
I have a Xanax scrip for when it just gets to be too much. I take maybe 10 of them all year long. I can feel my mind sort of waiting for my body to play along and start dumping adrenaline and other nasties into my bloodstream, but my body just stays relaxed, heart rate steady. I get the right amount of sleep and wake up rested. I still react and live my life, but I don't overreact when I'm on it. Don't be scared of the right tool. Use the stuff the doctors gave you as a tool for daily living quality, not a crutch to be abused, and I think you can really appreciate any help you can get. |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | Go on a roadtrip. Get away and enjoy this beautiful land. Take the bf and get out of town for awhile. Just get a map and draw out a trip. Maybe see some sites your dad loved or wanted to see but never got the chance to? |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | I'm so sorry for your loss, I couldn't even imagine the position you are in right now. First things first, don't do anything permanent right now, you're in a grieving process and things are bound to change for you emotionally within the coming weeks/months/year. 2nd - can you take a vacation? take some time for you, or maybe you and your boyfriend if you feel like it will help you being with someone special?
we will be praying for you
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | Sending prayers |
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 Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | I am so sorry for your loss.
Don't really have an answer for you, but I agree with some of the ladies, don't do anything permanent. You are grieving and that will take a while. (Lost my stepdad 8 years ago, and I still hurt inside because I miss him.)
Just realize that your life is changing. You say you took care of him for 15 years.... well, you are going to have extra time on your hands. And that will be a huge adjustment.
Maybe take a little roadtrip with your bf.
But take your time and go through the stages of grieving. Just don't do anything too radical right now.
You will be in my thoughts and I hope slowly it will get a bit better. Take it one day at a time.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 762
Location: NC | First off hugs!!!!
My father died in front of my mom and i while shoveling snow.(massive heart attack, was gone immediately) I can tell you its hard and is shocking!! 911 transferred my call when i called. The ambulance went the wrong way (we live 2 blocks from fire house) and they took him to a diff hospital then they told us (drove to 1st hospital to find out they never brought him in, then had to figure out howto call ambulance/firehouse and then drive to other hospital right after huge snowstorm)
Take a step back and go somewhere, anywhere!! i was home keeping my mom strong and going thru the motions. When i did finally go some where it was a breath of fresh air and it helped me get thru it. it will be 4 yrs in jan, and its still tough |
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Can You Hear Me Now?
Location: When you hit the middle of nowhere .. Keep driving | Thanks guys, it seems to get harder the more time I have on my hands and the more I think about everything. I will admit I am blaming myself even though everyone said I can't, but I feel like I should have done more. I believed what people told me and it looked like the flu I didn't know better and I think I should have. Not knowing the real exact reason is making me upset too, he was great 2 days before it all happened and we were making plans to build a new barn and he had been out and about shopping. Before I had so much to do and was so exhausted I didn't have time to think. I thought about redecorating and I think it may be to soon for that too, I am so scared I will regret anything I do. The lawyers have been great and are taking care of a lot but I still worry like crazy about that side of things, the track record of things going good isn't great and I keep wondering what the next road block is going to be. Up here it was always just dad and I so I have no family except Dean (BF) and a few close family friends, a lot of people have moved away or passed away. It's part of whats making it harder I am sure, everyone is a minimum of 8 hours away and most are overseas (Family). Jason can't stay any longer too and is going back leaving me along to deal with everything.
I did book off time from work but it is not until December (I can't take any more time until then because of the amount of time I have taken off to do lawyer stuff and see to things) and I thought of going to Louisiana since I love it there. I also have to wait on my mom and when she can can come up and look after everything along with a friend of mine. It's been him and I since I was basically 13 so it's weird to not have someone to discuss decisions with and I hate to ask people for help in handling our animals.
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Three 4 Luck - 2014-09-29 10:26 AM Do what you need to do to save your sanity and get through the grieving process. Just don't do anything permanent right now. This is good advice. My sister lost her 31 year old daughter almost 3 years ago to a brain tumor. She was special needs and the focus of my sisters life, especially the last 6 years. Not a decision was made without first thinking of Anne's care and needs. When she passed my sister not only lost her daughter but she also lost what had occupied her mind, soul and heart 24 hours a day. Like her, I can see you now being lost without the focus of your dad to take care of in addition to grieving for your dad. Take care of yourself, take one day at a time, take an extended vacation if you can. It will get better, the loss and grieving for your dad will always be
with you but gradually the grief will turn into much cherished memories that will also make you smile while at the same time missing him. My sister also had tremendous guilt that she couldn't save her daughter, that she didn't do enough. Nothing could be farther from the truth as is the case with your dad. Sorry for your loss.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-09-29 2:06 PM
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Veteran
Posts: 103
| Therapists, medication, time away....these are all examples of us trying to fix a situation that can only be fixed by God. He knows the path of your life, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is waiting for you to ask for his guidance and direction. He is the only one who can help and the one that has been there with you all along. Open your heart to his presence. I don't know the extent of your faith, but if you need help, contact a pastor at a local church of your choice. They will be glad to pray with you and let God speak to you. God bless you and I will pray for you. |
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 Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| just a prayer and a hug |
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 I Prefer to Live in Fantasy Land
Posts: 64864
Location: In the Hills of Texas | Sending prayers and hugs...
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | classicpotatochip - 2014-09-29 10:57 AM I have a Xanax scrip for when it just gets to be too much. I take maybe 10 of them all year long. I can feel my mind sort of waiting for my body to play along and start dumping adrenaline and other nasties into my bloodstream, but my body just stays relaxed, heart rate steady. I get the right amount of sleep and wake up rested. I still react and live my life, but I don't overreact when I'm on it. Don't be scared of the right tool. Use the stuff the doctors gave you as a tool for daily living quality, not a crutch to be abused, and I think you can really appreciate any help you can get.
+1 -- I agree on possibly trying some meds on a short term basis. I've taken similar stuff in the past to get by in some pretty trying times and it helps to know that for a little bit you can get some relief, even if it's just a guaranteed good night's sleep.
When I was reading your story, the one thing that did come to mind was maybe your father knew he was much sicker than he appeared but he also knew there probably wasn't much that could be done for him. Instead of spending possibly more grueling days ahead at a hospital and having the same outcome, he got to spend his last day with you in the place that he loved -- not hooked up to some machine and you having to make harder decisions about whether or not to go full force on keeping him here or letting him go. He might have made the decision for you instead.
I also think that he may have been steering stuff from beyond when it came to the autopsy, funeral and some other stuff going on. Maybe instead of seeing it as how you were denied things, think of what you might be being protected from by not having things go as planned. Something may have possibly been worse up both of those roads and he spared you by having stuff happen the way it did.
I have a saying in my office that reads "Stress makes you believe that everything has to happen right now. Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God's timing." Don't let the stress around this situation force you to make a big move right now. Whenever that stress comes along, recognize it for what it is, put it in a box and only give it the consideration that it's due -- which is one that shouldn't be at the forefront. If it stays there in the next couple of months, I'd look at it again when it's not so overwhelming and tempting. Definitely take a good vacation though and be good to yourself. You'll be in my prayers.
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OT: Is leaving for a while a mistake? sorry its long