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Member
Posts: 23
| I'm struggling and don't know where to turn, so I thought here would be good start!! I'm a regular, however, to remain unknown, I created a new account.
I've been with the same man for nearly 8 years now. From the day I met him, all talk was on horses. My family warned him, my friends, everyone.. For first couple years it was good. He'd come ride, feed, etc with me. Until I met him I barrel raced every weekend. When I met him, I cut back considerably since I was all distracted and in love. Fast forward through the first years, it's now turned hateful. Every time we get in a fight over something, the horses are always thrown up. I repeatedly get comments on " if horses are all you care about.. It won't work "
Horses aren't all I care about but they are dam sure near top of list. I finally have the house, horses at home, everything is set to where I should be happy and be able to really ride every day. But I feel like I can't enjoy near as often as if like because I'm trying to compromise all the time. I feel like no matter how little I ride or how little I go racing, it's still too much. Sometimes I think he'd be happier if I didn't have them.. But what I'm not sure he gets is that is my soul, my purpose. I'm just born with it. Been horse crazy from time I could talk.
So.. Any suggestions from those who been there and dun it? I want to get back to it a lot more. I have a few nice colts and a nice open horse to haul but I know the more I devote to my passion, the worse my marriage will be.
What do I do? How do I get through this and still be happy and not divorced. Or am I wishful thinking on having both? |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
 
Location: SE Louisiana | Drop him.There are plenty of good men out there that will share your passion unequivocally.
Edited by komet. 2014-12-08 6:55 PM
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| That is a tough spot to be in. I have horses, my husband shoots sporting clays, an expensive hobby too. We both love what we do and support each other. I would never ask my husband to quit doing what he loves and vice versa- we want each other to be happy and are glad for each other to have a passion. Is it a financial strain?? What does he want you doing in the evenings and weekends?? How does you having horses make him unhappy?? I would have a real lay all out there conversation and see if you both can't come to an understanding.
Edited by rodeomom3 2014-12-08 6:44 PM
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Member
Posts: 23
| Money is not the issue, not even a little.
I really don't know what the issue is other then we aren't the perfect little family doing everything together all the time every day. Sometimes I think that is what he wants but he was well warned that wasn't me |
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | I'm not married, but when I do get married some day, I'm going to make absolutely sure my future husband knows I will NOT give up horses for him or anyone else. I won't marry anyone that doesn't respect me enough to accept that (if he rides that would be extra awesome). For your hubby, I'd lay down the law, remind him that the horses were around long before he was. He KNEW horses were your life and your passion and if he can't accept that then he can suck it. You didn't change, you didn't hide anything, so he has only himself to blame if he doesn't like your horse involvement. |
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Expert
Posts: 1543
Location: MI | It definitely takes give and take, and I don't know your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. But, you have a right to be happy too. If horses is what it is, and he knew about it, start getting back into it. Sometimes the anticipation (of being with the horses more) is the worst part because you both have ideas about what may happen. Be fair and communication openly. Sometimes I assume that my husband will be upset also, when in reality either he isn't upset, or he uses the horses as an excuse when he's really upset about something else.
I've decided that I'm worth it...I think I'm worth being able to do what I want now and then, and the horse time makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. :) It's taken me a long time and I'm not out there as much as I wish I were, but it's progressing. Give and take...  |
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  JMHO
Posts: 1869
Location: Oklahoma | I'm sorry you are going through this. I had the same problems. Was one person dating and then I got to see his true colors. Compromise meant to do what he wanted and I could only do so much. He would not go to counseling and had a drinking problem as well. I was married for 15 years before enough was enough. I haven't looked back and couldn't be happier. I've been single for 7 years and didn't get divorced to find a new man, I got divorced for my sanity. Good luck with what you decide! |
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 Lived to tell about it and will never do it again
Posts: 5409
| Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. |
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Regular
Posts: 99
| Been there done that. My ex told me I should have married a horse. Glad I took his advice and got another 2 horses. LOL
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| euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM
Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some) men start picking at their wifes.
Good luck to you. |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| We have been married 27 years and are in a place where we support each other but I remember a conversation I had with my husband we had after being married a few years. I was the one acting like your husband, complaining about him playing golf on the weekends. I was a SAHM and had no hobbies, did not have horses yet. When I started up, he looked at me and said if I wanted to go do something he would stay home with the kids, or I could get a sitter and go with him but it was not his job to entertain me. Just because I didn't have anything to go do didn't mean he had to give up what he liked to do. It changed my perspective. |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | MO gal - 2014-12-08 7:59 PM euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some ) men start picking at their wifes. Good luck to you.
Yeeeppppppp. After 14 years of marriage, after giving up my horses and only keeping the kids 2 horses, and after moving to a different state. It was all for nothing. He blamed the horses, the money spent on the horses, the time spent on the horses, and in the end it didnt matter. The horses were not the problem at all. Dont give yourself up to try to make another happy. It wont make him happy. Ride your horses when he's gone at work. Give him 2 weekends a month, and you take 2 weekends a month to barrel race. That is a half way meeting in the middle and if thats not good enough for him, then it will never work no matter what. Never EVER lose yourself to try to appease another. He should not be trying to change you now. He should love you for who you are. |
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Duct Tape Bikini Girl
Posts: 2554
| Don't waste your life. Dump him, and have peace with yourself. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | MO gal - 2014-12-08 7:59 PM euchee - 2014-12-08 7:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person. In my experience, and from what I've gathered with other people, this could very well be the issue--the unhappiness with the horses is not the real issue. Probably if you did give them up, it would be something else that he finds wrong with you. Instead of dealing with the root cause of their unhappiness, some (only some ) men start picking at their wifes. Good luck to you.
^^^^ THIS........since you were involved with horses when you met him......bitchin' about the horses is, more than likely, NOT the problem.....you need to have a real LONG talk with him! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | My husband for the most part is supportive BUT when he is upset about other things the horses then become a problem. I have trimmed down the herd and it didn't stop his griping and that then I realized they became a problem when he didn't get something he wanted. He does work out of town and I only see him every other weekend so the weekends he is home i try to do things he wants to do unless is is a special barrel race I want to go to. That has helped us quite a bit. My good horse was out of commission for almost a year and that's when he realized I am NO fun to be around without my horse time. I think that's when his attitude really changed. I would try to talk to him and get to the root of the problem. Good luck. It is a hard situation to be in for sure. |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | My boyfriend of 4 years is well aware that horses come first. He's known from the beginning. My board for my horse is a good chunk of my paycheck and he doesn't complain about how much we're spending. It sounds like your hubby needs a hobby. Something he can do while you ride. I mean I quit rodeoing a couple summer ago because I was wasting money and not roping well and it was putting a strain on us financially. I recognized where it was going, and held off. But you warned him, he needs to realize that you aren't going to change and he can leave, or he deal. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 246
Location: Idaho | This is such a tough issue. When I got married, i took my moms advice.... to marry someone who does what you do. As horses were my moms thing and not my dads and I saw first hand all of the issues that can arrise. However, that doesnt always work either. Judy Myllymaki said one time that in these kind of relationships, you have a flower and a gardener. Someone who shines and someone who wants to see them shine and helps them do so. Two flowers often dont work because there is no gardener to help them grow.... now that aside. I married my cowboy. He rides and ropes, trains colts, can watch me and tell me what Im doing wrong. Nothing but respect for him. We got along amazingly. However at year 7, we will be 9 years in the spring, have been the hardest and most challenging of our marriage. I have never considered divorce more than I have in those years. Nothing but fighting and nit picking on both sides....what happened? And so quickly?? We both want to make it work so that is issue number one. I agree with the above comments about the issue not being the horses. I had the same thing happened to me and i married a cowboy! How can he guilt me about my horses? He of all people knows how important they are to me.... to us. But after much talking/fighting i figured out it is him evaluating where he is in his life and he isnt where he wants to be. Im happy trucking along doing things on Gods time. But he wasnt happy with the time it was taking. Not that he isnt happy in general but frustrated he isnt where he had planned on being at this point in his life. I am happy that we have given it time instead of going off half cocked and calling it quits. As long as both people want to make it work, it isnt easy, but it is worth it :) |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | You are way smarter than me and did your problem anonymously! |
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 Veteran
Posts: 288
| euchee - 2014-12-08 5:31 PM
Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
This is exactly what is going on. I've been in the same exact shoes for 11 years. It is a control issue and it would not matter if you got rid of every horse you had and took up knitting, he would hate that too. Don't buy into it and let him get glad in the same pants he got mad in! |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | Whether it's basket weaving or barrel racing, if it makes you happy, he needs to support you in your efforts. And if he wants to have the perfect family image, he needs to be at the barrel race in a lawn chair (at least) to cheer you on. I think the same as others have said, horses probably aren't the problem. If talking to him doesn't get something to change, I'd say to try counseling. Even if you have to go by yourself. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Does he have a hobby or something he really enjoys doing? I'm guessing not. I had this issue with my ex husband. (he's my ex because he cheated twice that I know of...but this didn't help matters) I had horses before he came along and he pretended interest...rode some...helped care for them....for a while. But soon after the ink dried he began to make it an issue. But as others have said....the horses were NOT the issue. He had no hobbies or interests really. Nothing he wanted to go and do. He pretty much worked and sat on the couch. I wasn't and never will be that kind of person.
He made it miserable and I felt guilty every time I'd go to a barrel race etc. He'd sit at home and text me..."How much longer....when will you get home" UGH!
I told him he needed a hobby and that I'd support him in that and try it too if he wanted. But he was just being controlling. If I had gotten rid of the horses and taken up painting or gardening...he'd have complained about that too.
Does your husband have a hobby? I'm guessing not...as this is usually why they cannot relate to us having that passion for our horses and riding. If he DOES and he is just too selfish to see how you have needs/hobbies too. Well...he needs to get used to it.
DO NOT stop riding...just do as others have said and treat him the way you would want to be treated. Reserve time for him...and reserve time for the horses. Invite him along to races. He can choose to include himself and be supportive...or expect that you will be gone every other weekend. Life is too short!!!
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | no man will ever be put in front of my horses.......and my so knows this.........yours is being extremly selfish........next time hes spouting off ..point to the door and say there it is..........life is to short to live with an ass............
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage.
this! Well said lulu  |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | cavyrunsbarrels - 2014-12-08 7:49 PM I'm not married, but when I do get married some day, I'm going to make absolutely sure my future husband knows I will NOT give up horses for him or anyone else. I won't marry anyone that doesn't respect me enough to accept that (if he rides that would be extra awesome). For your hubby, I'd lay down the law, remind him that the horses were around long before he was. He KNEW horses were your life and your passion and if he can't accept that then he can suck it. You didn't change, you didn't hide anything, so he has only himself to blame if he doesn't like your horse involvement.
Not to call you out... because if I were in her spot I would WANT to say something like this, but actually saying it is a recipe for disaster.
Saying this is putting an ACTIVITY before your husband. I love the quote, "Marriage isn't 50/50 it's 100/100." Granted he full well knew horses are a big part of your life, but he also married you, not your horses. Can you have a conversation of what he expects out of your marriage and what you expect and then come to a compromise? Does he have an activity that he really likes? what do you say to him when he runs off to hang out with his friends or does what he enjoys, are you supportive? |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| I was married, well still am legally, but getting a divorce. didn't even make it a year. As soon as I said "I do" he became a psycho monster. One day I came in from riding and he informed me i couldn't ride horses anymore when I got home from work. He wanted me to sit on the couch and hold his hand instead of riding. I said, fine, I will get up at 4:00am, ride my horses, deal with stupid people all day, then come home and sit on the couch and hold yr hand. He said, "do what ya gotta do". Guess what, I did what I had to do and kicked him out and filed for divorce from the monster. Happiest day of my life... I found my happiness again. The really funny thing about the whole deal was he knew I trained horses before we ever got married and I would never give that up. He was a team roper and farrier but wouldn't help me ride or ride his own horses. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 669
Location: Central Texas | I am sorry but I would not even consider continuing to being with someone who does not allow me to pursue and enjoy my passion. That is just being selfish on their part. I have my horse hobby and he has his hobby. Sometimes we share each others hobbies and sometimes we don't. We still make time for each other and enjoy that time. We rarely argue and if we do have a discussion, hobbies are not made a part of it. We focus on what the issue is about and try and find a resolution. I never did understand when an argument arose why people decide to bring everything but what is probably the real issue into the argument/discussion. I take a stand and will not allow myself to be baited into those type arguments. It sounds like there are other issues that may be affecting your relationship and the "horse" thing is just a stone to be thrown. I hope you find a way to work it out but my advise is life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 178
| I was in the same scenario. We were together for 10 years, almost 7 of them married. He was supportive in the beginning, rode, came to shows, had fun! Then grew jealous of my time with them. I tried to accommodate my family, however, regardless of that, the horses still needed to be fed and cared for. I'd ride at 5 am, so I was sure to be done and have chores complete before anyone even woke up. I ran myself into the ground trying to make it work. He admitted he was jealous of them.
There were other minor issues, but for us, this was the biggie. I just felt this was me- who I am and my passion. I knew without doing what I wanted with my horses, I'd be miserable. I was hard headed and refused to give in because I felt if I give, give, give, I'll just be unhappy and end up with nothing. It took me a long time, but eventually I said the heck with it. I left him.
My advice is to seek counseling first before you throw the towel in. It may be inevitable- or not- but at least you can say you tried.
I would be happy to report that I am now with a completely loving and supportive man, who wants to reach my goals and dreams as bad as I do. We are a team sharing our journey together. I learned my lesson and aimed higher. You can too. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | My husband is not a horse person, so I know how you feel. Here's what has worked for us: my husband likes to feel that he and the house are being taken care of. We both have the same work schedule, so we split household duties. We each have assigned nights we cook supper, so when it's his night to cook, I can go out and ride and do whatever I want until it's time to come in and eat. And vise-versa. We'll have supper together and sometimes watch tv together if I don't have something specific to do. When it's my night to cook, sometimes I cop out and do something super easy, but he really likes when I put in effort and make a nice meal. If making a nice meal makes him happy, then that's what I'll do.
We keep each other informed of activities we have coming up. I'll say "hey, do you mind if I go to a barrel race this Thursday" and he'll rarely have an issue with it. It's not that we have to get permission from each other, we just do it out of respect for each other. It shows we take each other's feelings into consideration instead of saying "hey, I'm going to a race Thursday whether you like it or not." He does the same with me.
What I've found really bugs him is when he thinks we're spending the evening together and then I take off to do something I hadn't told him about. As long as I let him know about it ahead of time, he's cool with it.
It really just comes down to finding a way to split up your time. You have to show your hubby that he is a priority in your life, just like the horses are. Maybe work out a schedule that both of you can agree on. You ride on certain days and spend time with him on other days. Or ride for a shorter amount of time so you'll have some time for him too. It's also really important that his physical needs are met. Men are pretty simple like that...give them what they REALLY want and they'll be more willing to give you what you want...or at least it's been working for me  |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| My first husband was a rodeo cowboy … and he knew I was a barrel racer … we rodeoed together! Everything became a problem … barrel races, my job, my family, etc. Divorce. My husband now is not a rodeo guy but supports my riding and will tell me "you need to go ride" when I'm having a bad time. He never complains about the money I spend on my horse. He doesn't understand but accepts. He either supports you in what you love .. horses, knitting, writing, singing, etc or not. If he doesn't you need to look deeper because there's a bigger issue.
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | JMHO, but there is something seriously wrong with the self-esteem of an individual feels upstaged by an animal. There is nothing you can do to make him happy because the problem lies within his own feelings of inadequacy and need to control. He needs to fix himself before he tries to change you. |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | While we can all give advice on a snippet of your life, the issue probably isn't horses. But horses are the easiest to use as the problem.
My hubby is a team roper. We both love horses and have had them our whole marriage. Since having kids, I've been somewhat resentful of the time he spends practicing and out in the barn. But it really isn't the horses that are my problem. My issue is that I have given up doing things for myself because I am the primary caregiver. More than anything I am jealous that while he is out having fun (my perspective), I am cleaning up bodily fluids and taking care of the kids. So for me, I have to take a step back and remember that the problem is really that I am up to my eyeballs in being a mom and that I really am resentful that he still seems to do what he wants. (I know his perspective is different.)
So my advice is to really try and determine the real problem and not the object he is using as the scapegoat. |
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Member
Posts: 13
| Hello Everyone, I am new to BHW. I have actually been reading discussions for a while. This one hit home for me so I had to sign up to say how I felt. I was just dumped after 1.5 years and his departure excuse was that my whole life is horses and that's all I cared about. It was very hurtful because I had them before we met and all he said was I can't wait to see you run again. (horse has been hurt and moving and building a home). Then throw it up in my face. Just want to say reading this helped me realize I can not give up who I am or I will be the one miserable. Thanks |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | When we encountered this issue, I had to do a lot of soul-searching, praying, crying, yelling, etc. It came down to me finally being willing to give up my horses. And, the next argument that he threw them into my face, I sobbed that I was ready. I was willing to sell them all if it would make life better for us. It was not a joke or hoax, but you know what? It must have taken that for him to realize that's NOT what he wanted! From that point on, they were not used as a weapon to make me feel bad about myself, my life, family, marriage, etc....
PS IMO, the comments about how he SHOULD be are a little irrelevant. We can't change them. At least, I'm not that good. Just try to find the underlying reason and not focus on the words spoken in anger. And, since I can't find the huggy guy, here's a ((((((((((hug)))))))))). |
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 Lady Di
Posts: 21556
Location: Oklahoma | troubledracer, do you have children? I have a friend going through this exact same thing, and I have told her a lot of the same things that have been posted here. I do not advocate divorce and her husband is a good man and a good provider, but he makes her miserable about her horses and her horse activities. They have had multiple discussions and are having a hard time meeting in the middle. She feels she shouldn't leave because of her children. She is following this thread and would like to know if you have children, as that complicates the issue. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Compromise is important in a marriage. There are ups and downs. I think you two need to sit down and discuss why the horses hobby bothers him so much, and try to see his side of the story. Try to explain to him why your hobby means so much to you.
Communication is important to open that door to find what makes you both happy. Marriage is about the both of you. I'm not saying you should give up what you love at all, but maybe there is something you can do to meet in the middle or try to understand his side of things. Obviously you married this guy for a reason, so he can't be all bad.
Hopefully you two can work it out, but the first step to doing so is addressing the problem through open communication. |
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Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | staying for the children is an excuse not a reason.........
thats just my 2 cents on that theory
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Well and I don't consider giving up the horses to make him happy as being a "compromise". That's not my definition anyway.
Get to the root cause. It's probably something else and the horses are the scapegoat. Counseling may be the way to go about getting to the bottom of the real issue. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | TrailGirl - 2014-12-09 1:56 PM Well and I don't consider giving up the horses to make him happy as being a "compromise". That's not my definition anyway. Get to the root cause. It's probably something else and the horses are the scapegoat. Counseling may be the way to go about getting to the bottom of the real issue. Neither do I... That's really not what my post said at all... in case you are referring to me. ETA: For me, an example of a compromise would be perhaps to set aside a night to spend time together once a week (if she had previously been riding every single night), or perhaps one weekend you both do something together, the next weekend he goes with you to a race.... etc etc
Edited by barrelracr131 2014-12-09 2:14 PM
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Veteran
Posts: 178
| I want to add, for me, my children were the reason I ended up leaving. I realized that I would not want any of my children to be treated the way I was, or witness the constant arguing, which brought me to my conclusion:
1- I am a role model for my daughters. Would I want them to be with someone like my husband? No, definitely not. Therefore, why was it okay that I was allowing myself to be treated that way? I wanted more for them and myself.
2- I am a role model for my son. Would I want him to treat a woman with disrespect the way I felt I was being treated? Absolutely not. Therefore, why am I modeling that this was acceptable?
It was HARD and I highly recommend doing what it takes to compromise and try to make it work. However, at the end of the day, life is short and you deserve to be happy. The man I am with now exemplifies the type of person I'd want for my own children. |
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Veteran
Posts: 227
Location: Heart of Texas | Same problem here. I stuck to my guns and helped him find a hobby. That's helped A LOT. But what's also helped is Church. God does wonderful things. And I read the 7 Love Languages. My hubby felt like he came second to the horses and while he does, shhh, it's still my job as his wife to NOT make him FEEL like it. I try to make him feel loved and just as important as the ponies. Things have gotten better. We'll always struggle but that's marriage. So my advice. God. And read 7 Love Languages. Easy ready. And will really put things into perspective. Good Luck!  |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| Ridenrun4745 - 2014-12-08 4:54 PM
It definitely takes give and take, and I don't know your situation, so take this with a grain of salt. But, you have a right to be happy too. If horses is what it is, and he knew about it, start getting back into it. Sometimes the anticipation (of being with the horses more ) is the worst part because you both have ideas about what may happen. Be fair and communication openly. Sometimes I assume that my husband will be upset also, when in reality either he isn't upset, or he uses the horses as an excuse when he's really upset about something else.
I've decided that I'm worth it...I think I'm worth being able to do what I want now and then, and the horse time makes me a more enjoyable person to be around. : ) It's taken me a long time and I'm not out there as much as I wish I were, but it's progressing. Give and take...
^^^This! He could be upset about something else and uses the horses to start the fight. He isnt happy about something so he is going to knock your happiness down. Does he have a hobby? If so, is it split equally? My husband supports my barrel racing during the spring and summer. I have a cut off date each year and then we start hunting in the fall and winter because thats his hobby. We go with each other and spend that quality time with each other. Yes, sometimes I dont want to sit in freezing weather to go swan hunting but Ive realized it just being with each other that counts. If you are going racing on the weekends without him, he may feel left out. Even tho he is your SO, a simple invite to races might change his attitude towards it. |
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Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | i have a completely different view than you ladies...lol....
but i do agree its more than the horses
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | Without going into too much detail, I can tell you from years of observation and experience, I've learned that "most" men do not do well in a supportive role (maybe in the beginning, but it rarely lasts)...I didn't say all because we've all seen the exceptions....but there are a whole lot of men out there that marry for "mama", and want to be catered to, or to be "daddy", and want to tell you how to live your life....
A famous barrel racer once told me there can only be one star in a marriage, and if it isn't you and your barrel racing (and you value your barrel racing success), you are headed for trouble and misery....I think if anyone wants true success in any given sport, their spouse had better be the type to take a back seat and be the support of the team...I think someone here compared it to a gardener and the flower....thus, the reason I choose to not marry again...in my age bracket, I don't think there are any gardeners, and I refuse to settle for anything less....jmo....
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Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | very very well said cindy........
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Member
Posts: 23
| Wow, thank you for so many responses! I'll try to recap everything.
Yes, he has a hobby, so he's tinkering in the garage plenty in nice weather. He does some car racing also, so he gets the competitive part. We do not have children together, but do have one step child that he brought to the marriage.
After reading this all and thinking, you've hit nail on the head. It's not the horses. That's an excuse. It's something else. Probably multiple things. Our relationship is seriously lacking communication. We don't talk. I used to try, but feel rushed and like my info isn't important, so I've shut down and just don't talk. Period. He isn't much better. This is negative all the way around and I know that.
There are many other little personal things that add up to all this, so at this point, we need to get to bottom of it and heal or move on. I'm so entirely sick of beating the dead horse on same topics..
And I won't give up riding or horses. I pray he doesn't ever give ultimatum, because I know my answer. |
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Member
Posts: 23
| To the people who say dump and run... I've considered that too. But if I do that and when I quit running and look back, can I say I gave it my all and truly tried? Nope.
It's important to me to know if I become a statistic of the big d, that I tried and did not just easy out. I've done so many things "wrong" in life, I'd like to knowi did the best I can on something this big. |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage.
Lulu u R awesome! |
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Member
Posts: 23
| Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal?
I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple |
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | When Hubby #2 and I were dating he came be bopping out to the barn and started in on me about something and the horses came up.
I am a very non confrontational person but let me tell you, I came unglued on him. I told him in no uncertain terms that when it comes to the horses it is my way or the highway.
He must have gotten the message because he is still around. He even proposed to me in the barn and dropped the ring in the barn dirt.
If your man is shifting 'blame' your direction, there is definetly an issue.
Edited by kasaj2000 2014-12-09 9:25 PM
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8699
Location: the end of the rainbow | euchee - 2014-12-08 5:31 PM Maybe the horses aren't the problem at all, maybe he is just using them as an excuss to complain. You cann't make him happy no matter what you give up or do if he isn't happy with himself. You won't be happy unless you are being "yourself" which is a horse person.
This. In 23 years the only time my husband has had a problem with my horses is when he is unhappy with either his work or how his hobby is going. It rarely has anything to do with me or our relationship but because he is unhappy about something he seems to get almost jealous that the horses make me happy. But it took me a long time to figure that out. Now if he says anything negative about the horses I buy him some camera equipment and make an effort to spend at least 1 or 2 weekends a month doing something he likes (hiking or whatever). It's not really a sacrifice as we enjoy a lot of the same thing (except horses). He does the hobbies I'm not into (mostly video games) when I'm riding. |
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 Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty
Posts: 20917
Location: LouLouVille, OK | So he didn't have, never had and still doesn't have horses of his own... correct?
They will never get it... they have to be the center of attention most of the time and horses take up your time... they can't deal with it.
I swore after my divorce that I would never even date let alone marry a man that didn't own horses himself.
In fact if a man so much as said, I love horses but Ive never owned um, I ran! lol
Your not saying he is a bad person but he just probably isn't the right person for you... you had the horses going into it and have made sacrifices and it's still not working... Life is way to short to settle and not be happy...
you shouldn't have to explain to him on a daily basis or justify yourself.. he knew you going into it... |
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Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
I look at my marriage as a job that I enjoy. So if you enjoy it, the work is more of an investment into your relationship and your spouse. The friendships don't seem like work because you only do things together or talk on the phone when it is mutually convenient. Marriage takes the convenience out of the equation, which makes it seem like more work than a friendship.
So is marriage work? Yes. But then again, I think that all things we value and hold dear have taken blood, sweat, and tears to get. |
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 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | Because you don't sleep with your friends!! whole different kinda love and emotions....JMHO |
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Lady Di
Posts: 21556
Location: Oklahoma | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM
Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal?
I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
IMO, the answer to this is that REAL love doesn't just happen. Lust happens, but we all know that it can die pretty quickly. Love is a choice. It's choosing to love another person even when they are unlovable. Without you having your own children, it's hard to describe. When you choose to love someone, you want them to be the very best they can be and you want to help them be, and even if they never get there, you still love them, no matter what. You don't want to change them; you want to love them with all their faults. By the same token, you want them to love you the same way.....with all your faults, including horses, if that's one of them. For the one who said the horses really do come ahead of her husband, I feel for you....if God saw fit to take every one of my horses, I would certainly be sad, but there's always another horse. If God saw fit to take my husband, I don't know if I could survive. As irritating as he can be, I love everything that he is, and I believe he loves me the same way. I KNOW I am unlovable a lot of the time, but he usually just grins and knows that the next minute, I won't be like that. I waited until I was 37 for a love like that, and although he's not perfect, and we've certainly had our rough patches, I know that I would have a very hard time (if not impossible time) living without him or replacing him. I can always replace a horse. JMO
Edited by dianeguinn 2014-12-10 10:35 AM
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | dianeguinn - 2014-12-10 10:33 AM troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple IMO, the answer to this is that REAL love doesn't just happen. Lust happens, but we all know that it can die pretty quickly. Love is a choice. It's choosing to love another person even when they are unlovable. Without you having your own children, it's hard to describe. When you choose to love someone, you want them to be the very best they can be and you want to help them be, and even if they never get there, you still love them, no matter what. You don't want to change them; you want to love them with all their faults. By the same token, you want them to love you the same way.....with all your faults, including horses, if that's one of them. For the one who said the horses really do come ahead of her husband, I feel for you....if God saw fit to take every one of my horses, I would certainly be sad, but there's always another horse. If God saw fit to take my husband, I don't know if I could survive. As irritating as he can be, I love everything that he is, and I believe he loves me the same way. I KNOW I am unlovable a lot of the time, but he usually just grins and knows that the next minute, I won't be like that. I waited until I was 37 for a love like that, and although he's not perfect, and we've certainly had our rough patches, I know that I would have a very hard time living without him or replacing him. I can always replace a horse. JMO
This ^^^^
Love is most certainly a choice. And honestly, it's a choice you should WANT to make over and over again, even when times are tough. |
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Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 10:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
you can have a happy marriage and horses if thats what you both want. if you only want horses or would only pick horses then he probably is feeling very insignificant knowing you feel that way.
I once felt as you did... but it was hard on my marriage. when i chose my husband and made him feel like i needed him the most.... i got to enjoy my horses more than i ever thought possible. he made that his priority to allow me that luxury because he wanted to make me happy. it was a win win (and one of the best decisions i could have made in a life time of making bad ones)
and douglas.... i get that alot! bahahaha |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Douglas J Gordon - 2014-12-09 8:50 PM luluwhit - 2014-12-09 9:02 AM i have not read the replies. i have however had two very different married lifes. here is my two cents since you asked.
i seriously doubt the horses are the real problem. it could be as simple as him not getting enough genuine affection from you to feel important. it could be you are so busy that it is exhausting trying to work on your marriage. I dont know your situation at all and those are just guesses.
if you both want what you describe as the perfect senerio then i hope you will both sit down with someone and find the root of the trouble. when you get there you can both start fulfilling each others needs on a daily basis. at that point you have a happy marriage. Lulu u R awesome!
agree. this is excellent advice! |
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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | I haven't read all the responses but this is my take on it. If my husband told me it was him or Vinny I would put Vinny in the trailer, hook it up to my truck, load all my stuff and I would gone. Horses come and go but Vinny means more to me than that. Now, people will say what about your husband...if he truly truly loved me for all that I am, he would never ask me to get rid of any of my horses. He tried it once and he got an answer he didn't like and it hasn't happened again. I'm not an easy person to love and get along with, I know my husband puts up with a lot but asking me to get rid of one of the only things that makes me happy in life would show me that my husband really doesn't understand me. I would never ask him to get rid of or stop doing the things he loves so why would I ever? |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 10:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
My marriage isn't work. I'm at work for 10 hours a day, I don't want to "work" when I get home. That doesn't mean that we just let each other do whatever, but I never understood why someone says they have to work at their relationship either. That sounds terrible. I'd avoid it too if it was work. |
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Member
Posts: 22
Location: Kansas | dianeguinn - 2014-12-10 10:33 AM
troubledracer - 2014-12-09 9:10 PM
Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal?
I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
IMO, the answer to this is that REAL love doesn't just happen. Lust happens, but we all know that it can die pretty quickly. Love is a choice. It's choosing to love another person even when they are unlovable. Without you having your own children, it's hard to describe. When you choose to love someone, you want them to be the very best they can be and you want to help them be, and even if they never get there, you still love them, no matter what. You don't want to change them; you want to love them with all their faults. By the same token, you want them to love you the same way.....with all your faults, including horses, if that's one of them. For the one who said the horses really do come ahead of her husband, I feel for you....if God saw fit to take every one of my horses, I would certainly be sad, but there's always another horse. If God saw fit to take my husband, I don't know if I could survive. As irritating as he can be, I love everything that he is, and I believe he loves me the same way. I KNOW I am unlovable a lot of the time, but he usually just grins and knows that the next minute, I won't be like that. I waited until I was 37 for a love like that, and although he's not perfect, and we've certainly had our rough patches, I know that I would have a very hard time (if not impossible time ) living without him or replacing him. I can always replace a horse. JMO
I wish there was a love button for this post.
I am not married yet but we're headed that way. And Diane's post is what I aspire for my marriage to be like. I know he would never ask me to give up my horses but God forbid something were to happen to them, I would be devastated but I would survive. I had horses before our relationship started and he understands how much they mean to me. He's not a horse person at all but he's learning. Just like I'm not a car/truck girl, besides the basics of maintaining my car and truck. But I'm learning, I now enjoy going to truck and tractor pulls with him and he goes with me to jackpots here and there. But I never expect him to go to every single one with me just as he doesn't expect me to go to every single pull or car show with him. The same way that I can sit a rodeo/jackpot etc. and never get bored he can spend all day at a car show. We compromise and go with each other but not all the time. I know it's said over and over again but I really believe communication and compromise are the 2 biggest things in creating a lasting and loving relationship. |
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Member
Posts: 23
| Thank you guys. I love hearing how each of you think on this. Interesting how opposite some answers are. Sad thing is, I agree with them all in different ways.
Maybe I'm just lost. I don't even know what to think at this point. |
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Member
Posts: 23
| teressa - 2014-12-10 9:30 AM
Because you don't sleep with your friends!! whole different kinda love and emotions....JMHO
Well.. Actually I do!!! You can fit atleast three in the need of my horse trailer!! Hahahaha! Not what you meant but I needed to smile.     |
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Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | troubledracer - 2014-12-10 7:16 PM teressa - 2014-12-10 9:30 AM Because you don't sleep with your friends!! whole different kinda love and emotions....JMHO Well.. Actually I do!!! You can fit atleast three in the need of my horse trailer!! Hahahaha! Not what you meant but I needed to smile.
Is it like???
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | komet. - 2014-12-10 7:36 PM
troubledracer - 2014-12-10 7:16 PM teressa - 2014-12-10 9:30 AM Because you don't sleep with your friends!! whole different kinda love and emotions....JMHO Well.. Actually I do!!! You can fit atleast three in the need of my horse trailer!! Hahahaha! Not what you meant but I needed to smile.
Is it like???
Now thats funny |
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 Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Posts: 2411
Location: Wisconsin | I think he is being very imature by bringing up your horses in your arguments, he knows thats what gets to you. If he really did love you, he would support what makes you happy. I met my husband at the age of 15 and we going on 35 yrs marriage. I started rodeoing and won my card at age of 19 and he has been nothing but supportive. Yes Im fortunate, but i was riding when i met him, and from the go, he knew that was my passion, and i made that clear that i had goals. I can tell you this...I listen to many peeps talk about how their husbands are and how they have to tip toe around going somewhere. I already had a parent that told me what to do, so thats not what i wanted in a marriage and frankly would have been divorced had i had to answer to someone....Now, i have also from the beginning included him, and he is more into than ever. Hates to miss anything. When i did go to rodeos, i wasnt the one who went to party and dance, and whenever to this day want to do something, I realized there is a respectful way of running it by my husband. I have never said "I am heading south for a couple weeks to so and so place" I have always said "Steve, you care if i head down to so and so place for a couple weeks and ride?" ..Sometimes including they figure they best join em rather than fight em. Life too short ladies, enjoy what you love to do with the person that loves you to do it! P.S. I have kept my Gold or should i say Old Card and plan on trying again with my futurity horse..We are both excited to see what new year gonna bring. Good Luck |
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Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Posts: 2411
Location: Wisconsin | And thats really a funny video of the cats!! |
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Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty
Posts: 20917
Location: LouLouVille, OK | troubledracer - 2014-12-09 8:42 PM To the people who say dump and run... I've considered that too. But if I do that and when I quit running and look back, can I say I gave it my all and truly tried? Nope. It's important to me to know if I become a statistic of the big d, that I tried and did not just easy out. I've done so many things "wrong" in life, I'd like to knowi did the best I can on something this big.
I think that is a big thing... if you exhaust every effort you got... you walk away knowing that... and while all the advice in the world is easy to say... it's hard to do, even if it's the right thing.
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | Murphy - 2014-12-10 11:30 AM
troubledracer - 2014-12-09 10:10 PM Another question. Why does marriage have to be work? My friendships aren't. They just happen. Shouldn't love just happen if it's the real deal? I think I'm probably just naive to think it could be simple
My marriage isn't work. I'm at work for 10 hours a day, I don't want to "work" when I get home. That doesn't mean that we just let each other do whatever, but I never understood why someone says they have to work at their relationship either. That sounds terrible. I'd avoid it too if it was work.
I look at it as you have to put effort into it, and that's hard work for some people
Meaning you take each other's feelings into consideration and realize it's not always ME, ME, ME. It's hard to compromise sometimes and deal with not getting your way all the time. But yeah, if I felt like I was going to a second job when I get home, I don't think I'd stick around very long. |
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marriage and horses