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 IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
  
| Today has been a bit of a rough day. I hate to air dirty laundry out, but I would rather post here as compared to FB.
Today my husband lost his father to suicide. We are in shock and things are touch and go with my husband emotionally.
On his birthday a year and a half ago my father in law told my husband that he needed to kill himself and was a coward. All of this stemmed from an argument that they had had, as my father in law was going through a second divorce, and my husband was tired of hearing all the bashing (just as he had before when his mom went through a divorce when my husband was a kid, with his dad). Needless to say, we severed ties after that text, as he continuted to go on and say very horrible things.
So in the past year in a half we have had limited contact. He mailed us all the pictures he had of us back, said he was justified to say those things...
Everything got so bad that my husbands brother stopped talking to him as well.
Needless to say, about a month ago my father in law mailed my husband a typed apology letter. The kicker was that EVERYTHING was typed. He did not sign his name. This made my husband very skeptical...he threw the letter away.
My husband is having these feelings of guilt, but then also doesn't want to go to the funeral, plans on going to work tomorrow...and is an emotional basket case off and on (can't blame him).
What are things I can do to be there for him during all of this? I know the obvious is holding his hand, being with him....but on a deeper level...what do I need to keep an eye out for? How should I approach the topic of counseling? How should I approach the topic of the funeral?
Thank you and please pray for my family. |
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Common Sense and then some
  
Location: So. California | I'm deeply sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year. Suicide is difficult to deal with on so many levels. Just support your husband, reassure him that he was not responsible for FIL passing, and that it was a choice FIL made. You may want to call the suicide hotline and talk to someone there, they should be able to help you...
Again, my heartfelt prayers for your loss.  |
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 Total Germophobe
Posts: 6443
Location: Montana | I'm so sorry. I have no experience on how to help you help your husband cope, but I want to expressmy sorrow for what you both are going through and offer you prayers.
Edited by mtcanchazer 2014-12-28 11:59 PM
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  Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | Prayers for you and your family.
The biggest thing is to keep the lines of communication open and let him know you're interested and you care and be engaged when he talks about anything. Ask him how he feels, ask him what he thinks about this and even the day to day things. Sometimes it's what they say about the daily mundane things that will tell you the most.
Having someone ask you how you feel and what you're thinking and really mean it goes a very long ways. |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | I am so, so sorry to hear about this. My heart hurts for you and Anthony.
My best advice is to just be there for him. I would let him know that you suggest going to the funeral, but I wouldn't push him at all. This is such a touchy deal, so being cautious is going to be key. Family can really hurt us much deeper than ever expected.
My husband's father overdosed on rubbing alcohol, so we aren't sure if it was a suicide or he was looking for a "fix". I had to really push him to even have a funeral for his father, as he was so guilt-ridden. He doesn't ever really talk about him. |
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 I Am Always Right
Posts: 4264
Location: stray dump capital of the world | Sending prayers for you, your husband and family. |
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 Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
I think that going to see someone is very important here. I don't think I would use the word "counseling". I would say let's go talk to someone...a pastor, a counselor....I just wouldn't use that word, unless you think he will be cool with it. You know, I went through a difficult time a few years back and going see a counselor was very hard on me. It was hard to admit that something was wrong and that I couldn't fix it myself. Not the same situation here, but what that counselor did for me was better than any other thing. She was an outside person looking in and she gave me simple things to do to begin with. Maybe for your husband it will be something as simple as look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are not responsible for what your father did. It was his decision. I don't really know what they'll say, but mine made it simple and basic. It wasn't as overwhelming when I tackled one little obstacle at a time. So, that's my answer, Kim, get him to someone to talk to and be right by his side. I don't think it matters what you say as long as you are there when he needs a shoulder or a hug. I wouldn't leave him alone until he see's someone.
If you need to talk, vent, whatever just message me on FB or call me. I'm here for you anytime of the day or night. Be strong. My number is 318-717-4776. Don't hesitate if you need to talk. Hugs. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Wow, what a horrible situation. Feeling guilt does not equate to your husband made the wrong decision to sever ties with his father- it just means he has a heart. Whether family or friends, toxic people do not need to be allowed to ruin other lives also. Hug him and love him and reassure he did nothing wrong. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | I am so so sorry. I think the best thing you can do is to let him know you are there if he wants to talk. I would not force him to and just let him talk about it when he's ready.
I would give him time to process all this and maybe in a few days suggest talking to someone if you feel it would help him. He may just need time.
I'm so so sorry you and your husband are having to go through this. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1162
Location: White Mountains of AZ | Suicide is probably the worst situation I've ever had to deal with. I've known a handful who have committed suicide. The last one is over 2 years ago, and even now writing this, I've got tears welling up. Just make sure he knows you are there and love and support him in his decisions. I'm not sure what else other than hugs and prayers to you and yours... |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | I don't have anything to add to the good advice you have gotten, but will pray for you both. Some of our distant family is having a funeral today for a murder-suicide situation...I don't think there is any way you can understand what drives people to do such things. |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | Sending you more prayers. Please call and talk to someone about what you are feeling, there is no right or wrong way on your feelings... Many, many hugs to you and your hubby. BIL too... |
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | Sending prayers to you both. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1028
| Fairweather - 2014-12-29 5:14 AM Prayers for you and your family.
The biggest thing is to keep the lines of communication open and let him know you're interested and you care and be engaged when he talks about anything. Ask him how he feels, ask him what he thinks about this and even the day to day things. Sometimes it's what they say about the daily mundane things that will tell you the most.
Having someone ask you how you feel and what you're thinking and really mean it goes a very long ways.
^^This. Just let him know that you're there no matter what, and be sure to keep that line of communication open, but understand that he may need a little time to himself. Not exactly the same situation, but in 2013, I lost my 18 year old brother very suddenly, and not under natural causes. I am so thankful that I had people around me that understood that I needed to be asked how I was daily, but that I still needed some space every now and again to process things on my own. The best thing you can do is constantly remind him that you love him and that you all will get through this together. |
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 Desert Diva
Posts: 4946
Location: The birthplace of Honest Abe | Man, Im sorry for your loss.. I dont have any suggestions besides what was already suggested. You guys are in my thoughts though |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 352
Location: Texas | Many prayers. I wish I had some good advice, but I don't. I'm so sorry for your loss and you and your husband are in my prayers. |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | Make sure he understands that his father was sick.
((((()))))'s
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 Playing the Waiting Game
Posts: 2304
| 's and a hug for you I have no advice just hugs and prayers you two can get threw this. |
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 Unknown Drip
Posts: 5624
Location: Back in MT BABY!!! | Sorry this has happened to you and your family. |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | I think you have gotten some really good advice here. You and your husband are in my prayers. |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I'm so very sorry for your family's loss.
The best thing to do for a person who's dealing with a loss through suicide is to be there for them. Then seek some sort of professional help, whether through the suicide hotline, pastor, counselor, or doctor in general.
A good friend of mine lost her ex-fiance to suicide several months after they had broken up due to physical and mental abuse. She knew they were not meant to be together, but he tried to blame her (through note) because he felt bad about what he did to her. He couldn't handle himself anymore. While I don't think it's any kind of excuse, she STILL is advocating on his behalf with the suicide prevention network and mental health network. She has found comfort through those professionals and is dealing with her loss while trying to help others. |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | Sorry for you loss. I have not better advice than what has already been given to you. Prayers for you and your family. |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Sometimes I wonder when siblings get so upset about these things is because they fear they are capable of the same thing. I think uplifting him personally without mentioning the incident is a good idea. Remind him how great he is at things, how he's been such a good husband to you etc. Let him know he isn't his father and does not cope in the same way. Lots of prayers and hugs to you and your family.
Also~what a wonderful woman/wife/friend you are to seek out rational help for your husband. He's a very lucky man. |
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IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| Thank you all very much.
Don't have time at the moment to say more. Will later.
Xoxoxoxo |
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 Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | So sorry you are going through this. I have no advice. You and your husband will be in my thoughts. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1258
Location: MN | I lost my mom and my brother to suicide, and the main thing is for him to realize that NOONE is responsible for that act. I truly believe that once someone gets to the point that they are that sick, there is no turning back, unless there is a physical intervention. The mind is a scary place sometimes that can be triggered by many things to the point where someone feels like going over the edge. Your husband did what he thought he needed to do for himself at the time, make him understand, although a selfish act? They are hurting inside so bad that none of us realize what they are going through, no one does. He is not responsible, he is not responsible, he just needs to hear that... |
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IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| Thank you again for all the input, thoughts, and prayers.
All I can say is I am totally emotionally drained. Yesterday we got together and planned the funeral. My husband is actually over the initial shock and doing as well as can be expected.
Today we are actually going to see his doctor, and plan on getting a referral for seeing a counselor next week. We are doing our best to be our own advocates and proactive, as my husband suffers from depression, and takes medicine for it.
Since the topic of conversation will seem to be suicide for the next few weeks, maybe months and the last time my husband had a real conversation with his dad, his father told him to kill himself we again are trying to stay one step ahead, because who knows what emotions will come out this weekend with the funeral, and with the grieving process?
I have also arranged to have all guns removed from our house. Again, not necessarily worried, but this is some crazy stuff we have had to go through the past few days. I don't want to be niave in any way.
Each day we are taking things a step at a time. Today we are sad. :-(
ETA-The one good thing that has come from this? I have fallen more deeply in love with my husband. They say that with marriage, through the years you fall more in love. After this I have a better understanding of this statement. He is my rock, I am his....and together we will hold each other and get through all of this.
Edited by magic gunsmoke 2014-12-31 10:02 AM
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Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky |  |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1028
| I hate that you all are going through this, but so happy that you have each other. Thinking of you all. |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Way to see the good in such a horrible situation. I'm proud of you. Stay strong, buddy. You are doing an amazing job. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Thinking of you and your family. I'm sad for you all. Hugs to you all. |
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OT-Looking for Input on How to Be there for my Husband...