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boon
Posts: 2
| Im not new, but for the sake of my own privacy I'm wanting to remain annonamous 
Sorry if this gets long, but please bear with me and let me know if im being jealous or if its normal to feel upset...
For the first time ever (im 26) Im dating a dad who was previously married (he's 33). I love his two boys and treat them like they're my own! He does spoil them but I feel like at the same time he's spoiling his ex wife too! (insert dramatic music here)
We have been dating since September and since then I have only seen her a handful of times when dropping the boys back off with her on sunday nights, and I honestly have to say she is the rudest most stuck up thing ive EVER met! Regardless to say I do not like her and everytime she is brought up in a conversation me and my bf always end up arguing. She is a lazy and selfish woman who lives off the state while she chooses to keep a minimum wage paying job while collecting over $1800 a month in child support from my bf. She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car, meanwhile my bf even pays her cell phone bill! He claims if he doesnt pay for her (smart) phone he wont ever get to talk to the kids...I ask why he cant pay for her to have a cheap flip phone he says because the kids like to play games on her phone... ok well both boys each have their own tablets with unlimited internet on them...keep in mind they're 5 and 7!!
Am I the only one who sees a problem here or am I being jealous? I dont need him to pay my cell phone bill as I go to work everyday to pay for everything I have its just the principal 
Edited by Lost1 2015-02-23 11:58 PM
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
 
Location: PNW | I see you as being a bit of both.... maybe...
Reasonable: Totally legit to be annoyed at her for milking both the system and your boyfriend
Jealous: He can do with his money what he wants. If he wants to pay for her to have a smart phone, he can. Does he use it for stuff like Facetime or Skype with the boys?
If it REALLY bothers you, maybe start slowly with suggestions of compromise instead of just cold-turkey changes. Maybe suggest she split the bill?
I would tread carefully on this though. Even though they are separated, she IS the mother of his children and he may still feel obligated to defend her and her behaviors. I suggest just being "gentle" with the subject, especially since you are only dating and not sharing finances. It is ultimately his choice what he does and doesn't pay for in regards to his boys and their mother.
Hugs - that is not an easy situation for anyone involved and I admire your willingness to accept his kiddos. I was raised with step-parents and know it is definitely not for the faint of heart sometimes. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 288
| I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have been exactly in your shoes. It is exactly what you feel in your heart it is. He is babying her 1) it is easier. If or when he finally cuts her off, she will pull every nasty trick in the book to bully him back into being her cash cow 2) He has some wierd emotional hangup that he probably can't even put words to but feels something. Responsibility? IDK. After 12 years I can't really put a name to it either. But if he ends up setting those emotional boundaries too, she will flip. It's a control thing for her. Also called the golden uterus complex. She feels because she had his kids, she's entitled to whatever and you are just an afterthought. If that even. Been married 9 years and my hubbys ex and his teenage daughters still refer to me as his "so called wife" | |
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Veteran
Posts: 288
| Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. | |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business.
What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. 
I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.
Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I agree with Annie, none of it is your business. It sounds like your boyfriend has huge responsibilities and is one of the few who are actually living up to them. Like it or not, the situation is one he created and you are going to have to just deal with it. You're not even his wife and you're passing judgement and trying to suggest changes on things that you were never around for. It sounds like he needs a supportive friend rather than just another person telling him what to do. He sounds like a good man. Be happy and live your own life before you end up his ex and his third wife starts to pry into your business.
Just my two cents. | |
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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7268
| wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
This - 100%. | |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
I agree with this.... and I am a stepmom who assisted raising two sons. If you and he remain together those children AND ex-wife will be a part of your life for a long, long, long time. She is not your competition - she IS in your life. Do I love my husband's ex-wife. No, but I respect her and treat her with the same courtesy and dignity that I would treat anyone else. She has shared holiday meals and with in our home so we could all be together with the boys and now with grandchildren - and we have shared holiday meals in her home. I have been married for 37 years. We have all - together - raised two wonderful young men. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| RidenFly - 2015-02-24 4:13 AM
I agree with Annie, none of it is your business. It sounds like your boyfriend has huge responsibilities and is one of the few who are actually living up to them. Like it or not, the situation is one he created and you are going to have to just deal with it. You're not even his wife and you're passing judgement and trying to suggest changes on things that you were never around for. It sounds like he needs a supportive friend rather than just another person telling him what to do. He sounds like a good man. Be happy and live your own life before you end up his ex and his third wife starts to pry into your business.
Just my two cents.
Well said Riden. I completely agree. Also he is being a good dad, not real common in my little world. It is really none of your business what kind of things his kids have. It sounds like maybe you need to find someone with no kids/ex to deal with. To be honest, I wouldn't want to deal with all of that stuff myself. My BIL and SIL have nightmare exes so I understand a little bit. Jealousy is hard to get rid of, I pray you can overcome it. | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Truth is, you need to mind your own business until you're married to him, because right now you haven't been made permanent. Then you'll get more say so over the money. You won't get any say so over the boys, except maybe in little things and that's depending on how well you go about it.
Read a Career Girls Guide to Becoming a Stepmom. Very valuable insight.
Honestly, I don't think girlfriends should be involved in kid raising until many years have gone by, you share a house together, or you are within a committed engagement.
I've done it both ways, and when I left my 'boyfriend', it was disastrous for the kiddos, it was terrible for me, and honestly, I ended up friends with their mother. Ha ha. True story.
I'm married now to a wonderful man with two children. If anything, I make a point of helping out with the kids financially. They're spoiled pretty rotten, and deservedly so, they didn't ask to be seperated from their Dad. I work extra hard to get along with their moms too, because truthfully, they have a lot of power, because they're the mom.
If there's something that I just don't think is right, I sit down with my husband and we talk it through. I'm careful with my approach, and always make sure he knows that I still have kid interest in my mind. We've designed a pretty good system, all of us, that we all seem to get along with mostly.
Just remember, he once felt the same about this woman as he currently feels about you. Maybe not carbon copy, but the same level as attachment and MORE, because he had children with her and MARRIED her. Her life has completely changed, she's now the single mom of two small kids; and she's probably not feeling like this is an ideal situation either.
If she's not running her life to suit you now, you'll have to get used to it. It's not changing, not for you. She's going to get whatever she can, and she feels entitled, and maybe she is in some things. She's the mother of his children.
So my advice is to take it on the chin, smile, maybe express how you feel about the really major things, but express it quietly, calmly, reiterating that you want the best for the kids BUT... and then go shopping or riding or spend time with your girlfriends until you can go back to him with a smile and a good attitude.
I'm doing it. Sometimes it's really, really hard. My man is worth it, and he's worth going the distance as his team mate, not somebody else to please and fight with. I'd lose him if I acted as a heavy load along with everything else he has to deal with in his life.
Make sure your man is truly worth what it's going to take, because step mothering is tough, tough, tough. And read that book, it's helped me get to a perspective that has saved my marriage and helped me be a better person.
Edited by classicpotatochip 2015-02-24 6:55 AM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 395
| His child support is most likely set by the state in which he lives. If not, that's his choice. I think it's time for you to move on. You're only 26. This relationship isn't for you. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1280
Location: Texas | If you were my daughter (mine is 27) I would tell you to find a man with no children and start your own family. If you marry & have children together, you will always have to share him with his first family. It doesn't sound like that's what you want to do (based on this convo). Good luck. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM
wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
This - 100%.
I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!!  | |
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 Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | I think you are trying to fight a battle you will only lose,,,,,,,,,,,, forever. You knew going in he had a ex wife and children. They will always be his children and she will always be the mother of his children and he will be obligated to pay for their care at least until they are 18 and even after those kids are 18, he will always be their Dad. Dont allow things you cant control or dont have a say in free rent in your head or it will only fester like a sliver in your finger. Accept it, or move on. | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| tracies - 2015-02-24 8:06 AM
If you were my daughter (mine is 27) I would tell you to find a man with no children and start your own family. If you marry & have children together, you will always have to share him with his first family. It doesn't sound like that's what you want to do (based on this convo). Good luck.
I agree with this. I'm 30, and I absolutely plan to not have children. Part time child care fits just fine. We have agreed to adopt if things still look rosey in another 5-10, and if we both think it's a good idea.
The older I get, the more I don't want my own. Dads that are dealing with split families usually don't want more kids, and shouldn't be expected by new wives and girlfriends to have more. Take this into account!! | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 490
| wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM
Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
AGREE 100%!
I was in your shoes. But I married the man. When I came into the picture they were 9 and 11 and 17. They are 15, 17 and 23 now. I am still referred to as the "other" woman and the other night at a table full of friends the youngest made the comment that he doesn't know why his dad married me. His daughter (the 23 yr old) wont speak to me. I have put down my foot that she is not welcome in my home if she cannot be civil. 6 yrs Ive been in the picture and Im not going anywhere. She came over one day and refused to speak to me. I mean flat out would not answer even a hey how are you doing. I told hubby that unless she can be respectful of me, in my own home, she can keep her happy rear away. I wouldn't go to her moms where she lives and act like that. She wont do it to me and I let her.
It doesn't get easier unless the dad wants it to. Mine is finally seeing what Ive been saying about the ex. But best advice I can give.... WALK AWAY.
I love my husband and he is my best friend but I wont do this again. Once is enough.
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
Geesh I only get half of that amount for my two kids... I remember when I met my now husband. His daughter 9 and holy cow I thought he spoiled her rotten. Been through the whole paying for the phones and service thing too. Just have to learn to bite your tongue for avoiding an argument, honestly it's not worth it. You are just dating right now. When I married him I had more of a say so but I pick and choose my battles still just to keep the peace. My step daughter is now 14 and we have a pretty good relationship and actually we just quit paying her cell phone bill, her mother decided she was going to take it over so she could keep tabs on her. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1561
| Its tough raising kids period, it doesnt matter if your the step parent or the real parent. And if you think its going to be easy to raise a kid because they came from your loins you have another thing coming. | |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | If he won't stand up to her now, he's not going to stand up to her even if you get married and even if it impacts you and your finances. That's never going to change. And trust me, it eventually will impact you and your finances if you get married.
Even if you're not married, I think you have every right to bring it up and you have every right to be upset. You've been seeing each other for a few months, it's more than just a date or two and you obviously have some feelings. It's getting a little more serious and this is something that you need to talk about before you go any further and invest any more time.
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Expert
Posts: 1226
| Think of it this way at least he is not a dead beat dad. Sounds like he is doing the best he can and doing it well. I agree stay out of it or move on. You are in a losing battle. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | I think that you need to walk. You are making a life long decision that you are going to regret if you don't except his kids and ex into your life. You are going to have to except being in second place in his life. Their are a lot of people in this world and you need to find someone that is not carrying baggage with by the sounds of it. If you keep getting sucked into this relationship I think you are going to have a very unhappy life. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 421
Location: Texas!! | I had a wonderful step mom!! And she is a even better grandmother to my kids and my brothers kids!! I wish my mom and her could of gotten along, it would of been a lot easier on us back then. But it was what it was. My dad has been gone for 11 years now, and she has a boyfriend who knows we are still her step kids and step grandkids. I just wanted to let you know some kids do love their step moms!! | |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM
Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. | |
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 The Purple Princess
Posts: 2226
Location: Charlestown, IN | runnin.on.dreams - 2015-02-24 9:06 AM Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. This - 100%. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!!
This!! RUN!!! I've been with my husband 8 years. Things are WAY better than they used to be but if I had to do over again... I wouldn't be here... | |
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 Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | For the first time ever (im 26) Im dating a dad who was previously married (he's 33).
The age difference can be an issue.
I love his two boys and treat them like they're my own! He does spoil them but I feel like at the same time he's spoiling his ex wife too! (insert dramatic music here)
That is great you are able to love and treat those kids like your own but I would caution you, they are not yours.
If the mother was completely out of the picture it would be different. Then again, you would have to deal with grandma, aunt or whoever had been helping Dad raise them and that can be a problem too.
We have been dating since September and since then I have only seen her a handful of times when dropping the boys back off with her on sunday nights, and I honestly have to say she is the rudest most stuck up thing ive EVER met!
You have been dating him 5 months. This should be the time everyone is on their best behavior.
Regardless to say I do not like her and everytime she is brought up in a conversation me and my bf always end up arguing.
He does not want to hear your views of what is going on.
It would be wise of you to realize that now.
She is a lazy and selfish woman who lives off the state while she chooses to keep a minimum wage paying job while collecting over $1800 a month in child support from my bf.
There are more people out there raising children who don't get child support than people who are getting it.
She is a very fortunate mother in the fact her X actually pays child support and the high level of child support she gets for two children.
She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car, meanwhile my bf even pays her cell phone bill! He claims if he doesnt pay for her (smart) phone he wont ever get to talk to the kids...I ask why he cant pay for her to have a cheap flip phone he says because the kids like to play games on her phone... ok well both boys each have their own tablets with unlimited internet on them...keep in mind they're 5 and 7!!
He is a dumb a** for paying her cell phone bill.
He is spoiling his kids and being a Disney Dad. That will bite him in the a** as they get older.
They will want all the privileges but no relationship.
Am I the only one who sees a problem here or am I being jealous? I dont need him to pay my cell phone bill as I go to work everyday to pay for everything I have its just the principal
It sounds like he does not have a court ordered custody agreement with detailed visitation.
If he does not then he is really screwed.
If he was listening to you and began making changes the target of her hate will be on you because she will know you are influencing him to stop the gravy train. She will encourage the child to be disrespectful to you and demand loyalty to herself.
If you chose to stay in this relationship my advice would be:
1) keep your finances separated
2) detach from all things concerning the x-wife and the raising of the child. Stay out of it.
Good luck ~ Step life is not for the weak and will push every button finding any weakness.
There is a reason GOD hates divorce. HE knew the strife and damage it brings to all.
Edited by candyloveshorses 2015-02-24 5:08 PM
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-02-24 9:28 AM
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 365
| You've been dating 5 months, think about that. Your already fighting over financials. What the Ex Wife does is not your business. I just blocked every family member of my Ex who is my sons father because I couldn't sneeze without his mom calling him to tell him.
Child support is set by the state so he can't control that. If he chooses to pay her phone bill, that's on him. His choice to do so unfortunately. But if it's getting to you this much after only 5 months in, it would be better to walk. She will always be around to deal with and you can't change her. Either suck it up and deal or move on now. | |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | I think you should stay out of it..and as far as the cell phone bill... he may want to keep in touch with his children and this may be the only way he can.. so dont judge him on that. noone here nows him nor the situation or his thoughts or reasoning for things.. but my advice is simple.. its not your business and be happy he is responsible... and most exs dont like the gf the first year .. its just normal usually..you either need to get on board with him and be supportive or leave.. its to early in the relationship.. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM
streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it.
Oh wow that is heartbreaking :( | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| hoofs_in_motion - 2015-02-24 9:30 AM rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business. What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business. I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be. I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. Oh wow that is heartbreaking : (
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-02-24 10:17 AM
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 11:01 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2015-02-24 9:30 AM rodeomom3 - 2015-02-24 9:26 AM streakysox - 2015-02-24 9:04 AM Anniemae - 2015-02-24 1:09 AM Yes, I think you are being overly sensitive (insecure) towards the matter.
The amount of child support he pays is between him and her. $1,800 in child support, when you break it down for two kids is not that much money - obviously he can afford that, so it's not a problem. And, it's none of your business.
What she does for a living, again, is none of your business - at least she is working.
How do you know that she receives reduced rent, reduced lunches, free health insurance and free after school care? And just why isn't the father supplying health insurance for the children?? How is any of this your business?
His paying her cell phone bill is interesting... Is it a control issue on his part, her part or a requirement of the divorce decree? Is she added onto his plan? Nevermind, don't answer this. It really is none of my business.
I'm buying my granddaughter a tablet for her 4th birthday, and yes I'm loading it with educational games. 3 months ago I would have never even considered the idea until I had a very enlightening conversation with a young couple at Best Buy before Christmas. I did my research and now realize that they were right on the money! That couple change my thinking on tablets, learning, the future...Tablets are now required in many grade schools for completing homework assignments. Technology is moving at the speed of light and our youth better be on the band wagon or get left behind.
Be happy that he cares so much for his children that he is willing to go the extra mile. Take a deep breath and be the best girlfriend you can be.
I agree with you and if op has a problem, move on. Not everyone has the skills or training to get a high paying job. At least she works. You know this going into the relationship take or leave it. Oh wow that is heartbreaking : (
"Worthless" is an understatement.
Wow. | |
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 Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | If you argue every time the ex wife is brought up, then it's a major problem....personally, I couldn't stand all that drama.....I would bail out of this relationship since you will have a front row seat to the ex's behavior and lifestyle as long as you are with this guy, and it seems like you are unable to look the other way....and if you stay, you might as well just put all the BS about the phone behind you and deal with it...he divorced her for a reason, and picked you for a reason.....if that's not enough, then you are too young and immature to handle all the crap you get with dysfunctional exes and step kids.....and in my opinion, it's just the start of a dysfunctional relationship.....I agree with those that say RUN...find someone without kids and no rabid exes and look forward to a drama free (hopefully) free life.... | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 1:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever.
I would not do it again either, even after 20 years of marriage.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | booney - 2015-02-24 7:42 AM
His child support is most likely set by the state in which he lives. If not, that's his choice. I think it's time for you to move on. You're only 26. This relationship isn't for you.
Ditto, cut him loose and move on. She enjoys controlling him, and you're going to end up making every decision based on how you think the ex will react. It will get to where you're afraid to spend money on something expensive because according to the ex, if he can afford that, he can afford more child support. She'll look at it as "how dare he spend his money on another woman when he could be spending it on his kids?" She's got him right where she wants him, and he knows if he puts his food down, she'll keep his kids away from him. I HATE, HATE, HATE when adults use their kids as weapons.
So unless you're ok with your whole life being controlled by another person, get out NOW while your relationship is still new. | |
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Location: Texas | runnin.on.dreams - 2015-02-24 8:06 AM Griz - 2015-02-25 2:32 AM wickedstepmother - 2015-02-24 12:12 AM Wanted to add, I would never do this over if I had the opportunity. Ever. This - 100%. I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!!!!!
^^^^^^^ This hits the nail on the head. Plain and simple, just move on...
I have been in your situation before, it was THE worst relationship I had ever been in.
But, my husband has a daughter, from a previous marriage, and we ALL get along great! His daughter and I get along great, I even get along great with his ex-wife. It works for US.
"Kids" aren't the problem. It has to do with how those kids were raised and what is being put in their heads.
Referring to a previous post; To this day, if I ever walked into a house where my mother or father was and didn't answer when spoken to, I would get my butt whooped!! Which all comes down to how I was raised.
Take my random thoughts for what they are worth... | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| Definitely a hard place to be.. I was a step mom. Luckily I got along great with the kids and their mom. We are divorced now but I still keep in touch with the kids and their mom. I was lucky and got great step kids. Their dad...is a different story... | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 807
Location: New Mexico | I think at the end of the day you need to ask yourself what there is to gain. The only thing I see is a potential $100 from the cell phone bill that he pays for her. You're not gonna change his ex. Why do you care anyway? Maybe all the reasons you listed for not liking her are the reasons you and your bf are together in the first place. You're not going to change him. And you're not going to change the kids. So is this all worth $100???
Edited by crzystevielvr 2015-02-24 1:49 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO has two kids with his Ex Wife. I have learned to keep my mouth shut unless he specifically asks for my input. At first, he didn't. At all.
Now (over a year later) every decision he makes he always asks for my opinion.
It is better to keep quiet until they ask. Otherwise when the other woman lashes back it's "your fault" and his entire family gets upset at just you. And believe me he will not take up for you. He will say I told you to stay out of it now look what you've done. Painful, but true. My only business with his other two children are to love them unconditionally. The rest doesn't matter. It only affected our relationship when I let it.
He sounds like a good daddy, and that he would do anything to be with his two kids, including kick you to the curb the first time you are the reason he either doesn't get to see his kids, or she lashes out against him to spite you. Because trust me, She will. I know that's harsh, but it's true. I've seen it many times in other relationships similar.
Again, as a step mother figure, my only business with his other two children is to love them. Forget everything else. I learned that the hard way.
We do talk about what goes on with he and his ex but only after the children are in bed, and always quietly behind locked doors. I know his ex downs me and him in front of the children, and I refuse to be on that level. The children talk about her all the time and what they did on the weekend and things and you have to be okay with being excited about things they did with the other parent or it creates a terrible enviornment for the child. Children aren't stupid, they know when someone is lying to them, or putting on a show.
If you can't support them in everything, including loving their mother, you should leave... | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | If you feel this way about the X wife and kids this early in your relationship, ITS not going to work. If hes any kind of a good father his kids will come first no matter what you say or do. He sounds like hes trying his best to be a good dad and I dont think he needs anyone telling him that hes spoiling them, if he wants to spoil them he can they are his babys not yours. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 292
Location: Northeast Nebraska |
Run away. Now. Fast and far. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 242
| I agree, from first hand experience for years! It doesn't change, you will just get use to it! There's Too many men out there without baggage to put up with an ex wife and two kids whom she may use against you in the future. It sounds like she is that type if he's fearful he won't talk to his kids if he doesn't pay the cell phone bill. Most woman would pay it with the child support or deduct it!!
Edited by abuffalo27 2015-02-24 8:52 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 350
| You really need to RUN Fast and Hard away! Listen to your gut on this....there are plenty of good men out there just take your time and find one without all the baggage. You will find someone else and when you do, you will think back to this relationship and you will be so thankful you didnt "settle" for this guy and all the troubles that come with him. Its hard enough making it without starting out with all that trouble. I think your reactions are pretty normal and trust me the resentment will only grow over time. Please run away for your sake. You deserve better. Good luck | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
| rodeodelux - 2015-02-24 7:51 AM
I had a wonderful step mom!! And she is a even better grandmother to my kids and my brothers kids!! I wish my mom and her could of gotten along, it would of been a lot easier on us back then. But it was what it was. My dad has been gone for 11 years now, and she has a boyfriend who knows we are still her step kids and step grandkids. I just wanted to let you know some kids do love their step moms!!
I had great step kids and also got along great with their mother. Their father is a psycho monster and we are divorced but I still keep in touch with the kids and their mom. I miss them and am very thankful I had the opportunity to know them. | |
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boon
Posts: 2
| cheryl makofka - 2015-02-24 4:40 PM
I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ;)
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens :) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 974
Location: USA | I've been in your situation. It's not fun. If she's being hateful now, just wait till you're engaged and married (if it came to that) then the real fun will start. Note sarcasm here. I grew up with AWFUL and abusive step parents in more ways than one and would never treat my stepson that way. I love my husband and adore my step child, but if I had to do it again I wouldnt. To say it's hard is an understatement. And my husband is truly a wonderful man and father. My stepson is 7 and is great; he's funny and smart and goes with the flow. It's the mom that's a pain. She feeds him (stepson) such BS and is so vindictive. Gets him whatever he wants so she doesn't have to deal with him. Uses him as a pawn in the game called life. It's horrible. But anywho, back to the topic at hand. I know it's hard when you love someone to walk away. But seriously think about it. I doubt you'll find many stepmoms who'd willingly do it all over again regardless of how great the hubby or kiddos are. It's just always a difficult situation. Do what's best for YOU. | |
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| Actually Cheryl Makofka is not rude or snarky, she is just direct. That is what you get and what you should expect from posting on an open forum. (Believe me there has been much, much worse expressed here before.). When you say you want advice and all perspectives hers is just another perspective. it does seem, to me, that you are awfully early in the relationship to be fussing about something. That is probably a red flag. However I have not been in your position and it is very hard to get the whole situation in just a few paragraphs.
Good luck. | |
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Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | I am just going to put a few things out there for you to think about concerning relationships.
He sounds like a great guy and you sound like a really good girl.
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
You have only been dating him for 5 months so I think you kind of prematurely allowed him to move in with you. He should of got his own place for him and his children. I hope he is paying you rent.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ;)
Now you are in the position of giving him a place to live, a wife, and stepmom with no ring, marrige kind of the old saying why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
He is 33. He knows what he is doing.
He most certainly should be paying you rent, split the bills such as electric, food, cable, etc etc etc.
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens :) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over.
I encourage the two of you to sit down and have a heart to heart about life goals and how you will go about acheiving them.
276 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
WORK
1. Are you working on your chosen field?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. What does your job entail? (For example, do you often travel for business, work at home, performs dangerous tasks?)
4. What is your dream job?
5. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
6. What is your retirement plan? What do you plan to do when you stop working?
7. Have you ever been fired?
8. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
9. Do you consider your work a career or just a job?
10. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
HOME
11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
12. Do you prefer urban, suburban, or rural settings?
13. Is it important to have your own private home, or do you prefer apartment or condo living, with a management company responsible for the maintenance? Are you a do-it yourselfer, or would you rather hire professionals? Do you prefer to clean your own home or hire a housekeeper?
14. Do you think of your home as a cocoon, or is your door always open? What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
15. Is quiet important in your home, or do you prefer having music or some background noise most of the time? Is it important to have a TV in the bedroom? Living room? Kitchen? Do you like to sleep with the TV or radio on?
16. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
17. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
18. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
19. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
20. What is your annual income?
21. Do you pay alimony or child support?
22 Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
23. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
24. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage of each person's salary?
25. Who should handle the finances in your family?
26. Do you have significant debts?
27. Do you gamble?
28. Did you have a paying job when you were in high school? Before high school?
29. Have you ever been called cheap or stingy?
30. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for pleasure, even if you?re on a tight budget?
31. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has anyone ever tried to control you with money?
32. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
RELATIONSHIP HISTORY
33. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name your fear?
34. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person? What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
35. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did it end, and what lesson did you learn?
36. Have you ever been married? If so, are you divorced or widowed? How do you think you handled the loss?
37. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited in your previous relationship that you?re not proud of?
36. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not talked about in your current relationship?
39. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
40. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach you?
41. Do you have children from previous marriages or non-marital relationships? What is your relationship with them? How do you see your relationship with them in the future?
42. Have you ever been engaged to be married but didn?t go through with the wedding?
43. Have you ever had a live-in partner? Why did you choose to live together instead of marrying? What did your experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about commitment?
44. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of love with you?
SEX
45. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts that make you uncomfortable? Be specific! This is no time to hedge.
46. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
47. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
48. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
48. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who taught you about sex?
50. Do you use sex to self-medicate? If something upsets you, do you use sex to try and help you feel better?
51. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to ?keep the peace?? Have you ever forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to ?keep the peace??
52. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
53. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
54. How often do you need or expect sex?
55. Have you ever a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex?
56. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
HEALTH
57. How would you describe the current state of your health?
58. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
58. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring your marriage vows?
60. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart disease, or chronic illness?
61. Do you have health insurance? Dental insurance?
62. Do you belong to a gym? If so, how much time do you spend at the gym every week?
63. Do you play sports or take exercise classes?
64. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?
65. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
66. Have you ever been in a serious accident?
67. Do you take medication?
68. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
P.. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
70. Do you see a therapist?
71. Do you smoke, or have you ever smoked?
72. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction problem, even though you might disagree?
73. How much alcohol do you drink every week?
74. Do you use recreational drugs?
75. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
76. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
APPEARANCE
77. How important is it that you always look your best?
78. How important is your spouse?s appearance? Do you have strong preferences about being with a particular physical ?type??
70. Are there cosmetic procedures that you regularly undergo?
80. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse?s weight important to you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant amount of weight?
81. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
82. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
83. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?
84. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would you handle this loss?
85. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction necessary? Has physical appearance or ?chemistry? ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
PARENTHOOD
86. Do you want children? When? How many? Are you unable to have children?
87. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
88. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
88. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you were unable to have a child naturally?
90. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in whether his wife has an abortion? Have you ever had an abortion?
91. Have you ever given birth to a child or fathered a child who was put up for adoption?
92. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended family?
93. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first six months of life? The first year? Longer?
94. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in (time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
95. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child?s opinion should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or changing schools?
96. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual foundation?
97. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
96. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
97. How would you handle it if you didn?t like your child?s friends?
98. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she was sexually active?
99. How would you handle it if you didn't like your child's friends?
100. In a blended family; should birth parents be in charge of making decisions for their own children?
101. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do you believe it?s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
102. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
EXTENDED FAMILIES
103. Are you close to your family?
104. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
105. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
106. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your relationships in the past?the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
107. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each other?s families?
106. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in your family carry long-term grudges?
109. How much influence do your parents still have over your decisions?
110. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
FRIENDS
FRIENDS
111. Do you have a ?best friend??
112. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to any of your friends on the phone every day?
113. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
114. If your friends need you, are you there for them?
115. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
116. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
117. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
118. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
PETS
119. Are you an animal lover?
120. Do you have a dog, cat, or other beloved pet?
121. Is your attitude ?Love me, love my dog [cat; potbellied pig]??
122. Have you ever been physically aggressive with an animal? Have you deliberately hurt an animal?
123. Do you believe a person should give up his or her pet if it interferes with the relationship?
124. Do you consider pets members of your family?
125. Have you ever been jealous of a partner?s relationship with a pet?
126. Have disagreements about pets ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
POLITICS
127. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political involvement and social action?
128. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
128. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local election?
130. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a successful marriage?
131. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
132. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women?s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
133. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
COMMUNITY
134. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
135. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
136. Do you regularly participate in community projects?
137. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
138. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
139. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?
CHARITY
140. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
141. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual income do you donate to charity?
142. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the ?haves? of the world to help the ?have-nots??
143. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MILITARY
144. Have you served in the military?
145. Have your parents or other relatives served in the military?
146. Would you want your children to serve in the military?
147. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making change through military force and action?
148. Has military service or attitudes about military service ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
THE LAW
149. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
150. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
151. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
152. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
153. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were the circumstances?
154. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what happened.
156. Do you believe it?s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
156. Have you ever failed to pay child support? If so, why?
157. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MEDIA
158. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, newsmagazines, the Internet, friends)?
159. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
100. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
161. Have media differences ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
RELIGION
162. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
163. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
164. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
185. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you were raised?
166. Do you believe in life after death?
167. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
168. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?
169. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?
170. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
171. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
172. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?
173. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
CULTURE
174. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?
175. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?
176. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do? (By the way, if they do, maybe it's because they are living their lives, while you are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to live your own life?)
177. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and watch them at home?
178. What is your favorite style of music?
179. Do you attend concerts featuring your favorite musicians?
180. Do you enjoy going to museums or art shows?
181. Do you like to dance?
182. Do you like to watch TV for entertainment?
183. Have attitudes or behaviors around popular culture ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
LEISURE
184. What is your idea of a fun day?
185. Do you have a hobby that?s important to you?
186. Do you enjoy spectator sports?
187. Are certain seasons off-limits for other activities because of football, baseball, basketball, or other sports?
168. What activities do you enjoy that don?t involve your partner? How important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure activities?
189. How much money do you regularly spend on leisure activities?
190. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
191. Have leisure time issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
192. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you?ll do something wrong or people won?t have a good time?
193. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the prospect rarely appeal to you?
194. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer to enjoy yourself at home?
195. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you prefer that your spouse not be present?
196. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize with a diverse mix of people?
197. Are you usually the ?life of the party," or do you dislike being singled out for attention?
198. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other?s behavior at a social function?
199. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS
286. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
201. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
202. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
203. Have differences about holidays/birthdays ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
TRAVEL / VACATIONS
204. Do you enjoy traveling, or are you a homebody?
205. Are vacation getaways an important part of your yearly planning?
206. How much of your annual income do you designate for vacation and travel expenses?
207. Do you have favorite vacation destinations? Do you believe it's wasteful to spend money on vacations to distant places?
206. Do you think it's important to have a passport? To speak a foreign language?
209. Have disputes about travel and vacation ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
EDUCATION
210. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride or shame?
211. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advanced-learning programs that will help you in your career or profession?
212. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn?t attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
213. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
214. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
TRANSPORTATION
215. Do you own or lease a car? Would you ever consider not having a car?
216. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you? Is your car your ?castle??
217. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a car?
218. Given the availability of reliable public transportation, would you prefer not to drive a car at all?
219. How much time do you spend maintaining and caring for your vehicle? Are you reluctant to let others drive your car?
220. How long is your daily commute? Is it by bus, train, car, or carpool?
221. Do you consider yourself a good driver? Have you ever received a speeding ticket?
222. Have cars or driving ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
COMMUNICATION
223. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
224. Do you have a cell phone? A BlackBerry?
225. Do you belong to any Internet chat groups? Do you spend significant time each day writing c-mails?
226. Do you have an unlisted telephone number? If yes, why?
227. Do you consider yourself a communicator or a private person?
228. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the telephone, cell phone, or BlackBerry?
229. Has modem communication ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
MEALTIME
230. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to eat on the run?
231. Do you love to cook? Do you love to eat? 232. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for dinner?
233. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
234. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
235. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
236. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
GENDER ROLE
237. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
238. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
239. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by ?equality.?
340. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
341. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?
242. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?
RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES
243. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
244. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you shed?
245. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
246. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this person?
247. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are they? Where did they come from? (We aren?t born biased, we learn it, and it?s important to trace where it was learned.)
248. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and stress for you in a relationship?
249. What were your family?s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
250. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
251. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
LIVING EVERY DAY
252. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
213. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than you?
254 Are you a physically affectionate person?
255. What is your favorite season of the year?
256. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
257. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
258. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable with a firm plan of action?
256. How much sleep do you need every night?
260. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
261. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
262. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you?re really angry?
263. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
264. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
265. What makes you most secure?
266. Do you fight fair? How do you know?
267. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn when something tragic happens?
268. What is your greatest limitation?
269. What is your greatest strength?
270. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring marriage?
271. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream marriage a reality?
272. What makes you most afraid?
273. What drains you of your joy and passion?
274. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
275. What makes your heart smile in tough times?
276. What makes you feel the most alive?
Edited by candyloveshorses 2015-02-25 8:06 AM
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | To those of you saying it's none of her business until she marries him... well, by then it's too late! I understand that he needs to take care of his kids etc and as of right now them just dating, she really has no say but if they get serious about marrying, it will be a HUGE issue. I'd say things likely won't change so if this really bothers you, I'd walk away but better to work this out now or decide if you can live with it then when it's too late! I know myself and I could NOT handle it that is for sure! | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Lost1 - 2015-02-24 11:41 PM
cheryl makofka - 2015-02-24 4:40 PM
I'm surprised he hasn't kicked you to the curb.
You are completely out of line
You have been dating for less then 6 months and trying to control his financials, this is a big crazy flag.
You are already fighting about the kids and x, (you said you think he spoils them, judging him for giving them a tablet), research shows people are on their best behaviour for the first 6 months, then the real person appears.
If your already nagging and badgering him, what are you going to do when the real person appears, I feel sorry for the guy.
You say you treat these children like your own, no you don't, you have known them less then 6 months, realistically you shouldn't know them. The psychological damage that is occurring to these children is immense, you are the NEW girlfriend, they will get attached as you are like a cool aunt who spoils, but doesn't have the authority to reprimand, so they are still living in a "honey moon" phase, as are you.
You don't like the xwife, trust me the feeling is mutual, you are criticizing her, you have pretty much called her a sponge, and waste of skin. When you see her your non verbals have already told her that. Also when the children are with you their order is disrupted, when the mom gets her children back, she gets absolute chaos, hurt feelings, etc. those kids are talking about you to their mom.
You don't think she knows what you have said, she does, either he has told her, or the kids have. Kids know everything, and even if you don't think you have said anything you have, again comes back to the psychological destruction occurring to these children.
Do this family a favour, leave, as it will not work out, you don't even know this family and are trying to control the financials. Leave
I have appreciated every single persons response to my post except for yours. You are absolutely rude and YOU are out of line here. Saying he needs to kick me to the curb is funny considering he is living with me at this time due to his real roommate being an alcoholic and obviously not wanting his kids to have to be around that so instead he lives here that also means his kids live here Friday after school until Sunday night/ Monday mornings also including every single break/day off of school.
I do not nor have I ever said one ill word about their mom to them or around them. I am nothing but friendly the few times I have seen her. Since you seem to know everything I figured you would already know that lol..... I feel sorry for you, every single post I have ever seen you make is snarky and downright ignorant. You yourself sound like a bitter ex wife.
P.s. No need to feel sorry for him as we where very good friends before we began dating and he knew what kind of person I was/am, thanks for your concern though ; )
To everybody else, thank you for taking the time to share your experiences/ advice I have certainly started looking at it from other perspectives and honestly when I woke up this morning I felt kind of silly making it into such a big issue. For those wondering why I am not running, he is by far the best man I have ever met in my life. He is a real gentleman and would do anything in the world for me and his family. It says something about a man that treats his mom and even my mom like queens : ) he gives me the option to quit my job and provide everything financially for me and my herd of horses and dogs, he talks about wanting to built an indoor arena and built my mom an apartment for her to live in so she isn't lonely (newly divorced with no family except me ) he's obviously not perfect abd still does and says a lot of dumb thing but I obviously do too. I think this post alone makes me appreciate him 100x over.
Okay, well, this reply does add a little light to your thoughts. However, as someone who had a rough decade during my 20s, let me say this:
If he's so financially well off as to offer to let you quit your job, building housing, arenas, etc, etc, TWO things need to happen
1. He needs to get his own place to live. Those boys do NOT need a secondary mother figure until you are more deeply involved. 5 months just doesn't do it. 5 months of nearly daily interaction, my husband and I hadn't even said the 'official boyfriend/girlfriend' words, much less the 'I love you' mess. Give him the boot to his own place. Stop changing your life for a man. Small adjustments can be made for someone worthy, but major life changes are just not healthy. At all.
2. Make sure his money is where his mouth is. I'm not saying let him buy you these things, please don't! (Unless you're well into a lovely and organized marriage). You absolutely must find out if he's just telling you the 'I'll buy you this, and this, and this", in order to keep you hearing what you want to hear and making him feel good about himself. It's empowering to give big gifts, or even talk about them, especially if he's feeling a bit held under by his ex.
Please just make sure you're not under an evil spell. Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath. Stop praising a boyfriend, especially such a new one with so much chaos. Praise him after he's moved into his own home, has designed a stable life for his children, settles up with his ex, and can give you the time and attention you deserve. If he really wants to be in your life, he will be, even if you decide to keep living your life. Don't stop living your life, because if the relationship fizzles, you'll hate yourself. Make yourself the priority, not him or his kids. He needs to take care of his life and HIS children!! It's great to be supportive, and talk regularly on the phone, and see each other often, but giving up your life just ain't it. I have done it!!! I know!!
Make barriers, stand strong. Don't spend all weekend with the kids. Spend Sunday morning for breakfast. Do your own thing while they get their family figured out. I don't think you should run, but I think you should take a BIG step back and understand that white knights are usually pretty smudged up underneath. My white knight needed a THOROUGH cleaning, and while I still love him, and have forgiven him, and married him in the end, I'm still realistic about people. Sounds like your man is balancing a lot, which is hard work, and telling people what they want to hear can snowball. I would give him some room and see how much soap and water you're going to need to bring to the party.
Just remember, NOTHING is ever what it seems. Ask him to get his own place, and give you some room from the dramatic ex situation. Reassure him you want to be with him, but that you want it to last and the way things are right now, they probably won't. If he's feeling a lot of pressure to keep you, juggle the ex, work, life, kids, he'll probably appreciate it. If he freaks, then you'll know what his true colors are.
Just remember your worth, and be very careful in giving your precious life moments and time away to someone that might just be balancing too much. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Thank you Classicpotatochip for the life lesson quote of the year:
"Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath"
So true...so true. And at the 5 month mark we seldom have that Holy water handy. We are usually still living on butterflies and rainbows like it or not.
OP... I find it odd that this guy had a roommate... and when that went south he moved in with you rather than getting his own place? If he has the financial resources to convince you he has big plans for building arena's and being your sugar daddy...WHY then does he need to live with anyone? That seems odd and not the best situation for his kids either.
You are a braver girl than I am. I wouldn't get involved with a guy that has kids and an ex wife. That's too much potential drama...and the two of you will never come first. You won't be building a life for the two of you...he already has his life...you will just be fitting into that one if you can. I don't know...I am sure it works well for some. But you are very young and you deserve to be someone's Everything. To have a family of your own...not just fit into someone else's when there will clearly be issues with the EX going forward.
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | TrailGirl - 2015-02-25 8:53 AM Thank you Classicpotatochip for the life lesson quote of the year: "Men can really sell themselves as a wonderful item, but it takes fire and Holy water to really see what's going on underneath" So true...so true. And at the 5 month mark we seldom have that Holy water handy. We are usually still living on butterflies and rainbows like it or not. OP... I find it odd that this guy had a roommate... and when that went south he moved in with you rather than getting his own place? If he has the financial resources to convince you he has big plans for building arena's and being your sugar daddy...WHY then does he need to live with anyone? That seems odd and not the best situation for his kids either. You are a braver girl than I am. I wouldn't get involved with a guy that has kids and an ex wife. That's too much potential drama...and the two of you will never come first. You won't be building a life for the two of you...he already has his life...you will just be fitting into that one if you can. I don't know...I am sure it works well for some. But you are very young and you deserve to be someone's Everything. To have a family of your own...not just fit into someone else's when there will clearly be issues with the EX going forward.
BIG ditto! He needs his own place so when his kids come to visit, they're not forced to be around you. I don't mean that in a rude way, but kids don't always want to have to be around the step-parent. My parents split when I was about 9 or so, and we ended up living with my dad. My mom quickly moved in a with another man, so everytime we saw my mom, we had to be around him too. He was a super jealous person and would get really ****y and feel left out if we ever wanted to spend time with just our mom and not him. It was REALLY annoying.
I guarantee you that if you start trying to tell him what to do with HIS money, and he stands up to the ex, she WILL automatically know you're putting him up to it, and will resent you even more.
Pretty much the only control you have is the rules of your house (no jumping on furniture, no playing ball in the house, etc.). Other than that, you don't get to make up rules about what he does with his kids, and what he spends his money on....assuming he's pulling his weight with the bills.
I still think there are way too many red flags because you're not really ok with his relationship with his ex, and if you can't convince yourself to stay out of it, I don't see this being a very healthy relationship. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| If he has those kind of resources, why is he living with her and why is she complaining about phone bills? It's not a jealous or an reasoning problem, it's a control problem.
You're probably my friend on here, but I'm telling you how this looks. | |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | It's not worth it, move on or you will ruin your life! | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | why does he not have a place of his own and he lives with you ? | |
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 Jr. Detective
Location: Beggs, OK | RidenFly - 2015-02-25 10:00 AM If he has those kind of resources, why is he living with her and why is she complaining about phone bills? It's not a jealous or an reasoning problem, it's a control problem.
You're probably my friend on here, but I'm telling you how this looks.
There is a reason for judges orders regarding cohabitation...
If he's living with you and has the resources that you claim that he has, then there is a huge red flag. The fact that you are already living together is another strike... If my children were having to be dropped off at my ex's new girlfriends house where she lives with her mother, I would have a problem with it too.
Obviously we only know what you have shared, but have you considered that her low paying job might allow her more time with her kids? As long as the kids are being cared for it's no ones business how she spends her money. In her situation I would be extremely resentful of you and your position in my children's lives. You are 26 and have moved into a place of influence in the lives of young impressionable human beings. | |
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I am a Freak
Posts: 3326
Location: Nowhere Special | Run....Run now.... Run Far... Run Fast!! And I don't say this lightly! I was almost ready to ask if you were dating my ex except he had a little girl and not two boys (that I know of) On the outside for the first year he behaved just like yours, so sweet, thoughtful, "TALKED" of big plans, kept asking me to quit my job and let him take care of me.. Blah, blah, blah... He also lived with me! His ex wife drug him around by the nose and controlled him like a whipping boy, use to drive me crazy but being raised by a single mom I was ALWAYS very supportive of him paying his child support, pitching in extra on other stuff, trying to be reasonabile about things.. I tried to encourage him to spend time with his daughter (whom by the was was satan spawn.. I like kids, kids like me, this child was evil) I tried to discourage him being disneyland dad and buying gifts that were way over his daughters level (laptop, PS3 for her 2nd birthday) it wasn't the amount of money I just knew the gifts were a list from Mom that her older brother wanted.. Because you would have a PSP player and then a coloring book, laptop with windows 7 and then a stuffed pink bear, motorcycle (big one) and then a swing set. It was obvious what she wanted and then there was what the family wanted.. But when I tried to steer him in the right direction I was jelous.. go figure.. Any way, he ended up not at all being the prince charming he started out as and when his true colors shown thru he was a complete loser that could not even take care of himself. To this day he still lives like a frat boy in a crap apartment, sparsley furnished with a roommate and all he cares about is "looking the look" but has nothing to back it up..
I now understand why his ex wife acted the way she did.. He couldn't let go, still hasn't, and by keeping little things together he gets to keep his finger in the door so to speak.. I sure hope yours turns out better then mine did, but keep your eyes open and feet on the floor.. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1062
Location: Probably On the Road to the Next Barrel Race! | GoGaited - 2015-02-24 5:08 PM Run away. Now. Fast and far.
what she said. Run away fast, and far, If you don't like this, it's not going to change. Find someone else. Don't say we didn't warn you. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 288
| Having been in your shoes and living in step family hell, there are so many red flags and you should really listen to everyone on this bored. With the exception of Cheryl, who's response went beyond direct to rude and frankly, as a longtime step mother, I am insulted by it. I do agree with her point though that we all have and that is to leave. But you won't. He is doing a bait and switch that you will see in hindsight someday.
I really find it insulting when the sole responsibility for the man's poor behavior, ex wife's *****iness and jealousy, and the kids atrocious behavior falls on the shoulders of the new woman who usually wants nothing more than for this new family type unit to be successful. It's frankly repulsive to me that is the mainstream memtality of society.
I won't go on, it's a subject I feel to strongly about to be nice.
Good luck. Don't believe his cinderella story BS I promise you it's an act, and if you stay do not be a doormat for her and her children. It's UNfun. Trust me. | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | I wrote a bunch and changed my mind. You are being both reasonable and jealous. Given the history he has with the other woman, it doesn't matter what she does or what he pays her, she will be in the wrong in your eyes. I doubt you've heard much good about her from him. And then, if you chime in, it's an argument because he once cared for her.
However, from a dating standpoint:
- At 33, he needs to have his own house and be more financially secure to consider a long-term relationship with.
- After 5 months of dating, the kids should not know you. (As a mom, I can assure you I would not be pleasant if I was the other woman and my ex was introducing my kids to women who were most likely just a ship passing through.)
- At 5 months of dating, you should know somewhat of his financial standing--as in approximate income and his debt load--if you are considering something permanent. As far as what he pays and how much, this stage is too soon to know this.
Bottom line -- You pick a guy with kids, you get the baggage of an ex (unless she's deceased). And if you don't want to deal with the ex, move along. I would move along. I don't care how great he seems. Either she or he got tired of the other's crap. I wouldn't want the constant drama and headache for the rest of my life. | |
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Friendly horse swapper
Posts: 4122
Location: Buffalo, TX | wickedstepmother - 2015-02-26 9:02 AM Having been in your shoes and living in step family hell, there are so many red flags and you should really listen to everyone on this bored. With the exception of Cheryl, who's response went beyond direct to rude and frankly, as a longtime step mother, I am insulted by it. I do agree with her point though that we all have and that is to leave. But you won't. He is doing a bait and switch that you will see in hindsight someday. I really find it insulting when the sole responsibility for the man's poor behavior, ex wife's *****iness and jealousy, and the kids atrocious behavior falls on the shoulders of the new woman who usually wants nothing more than for this new family type unit to be successful. It's frankly repulsive to me that is the mainstream memtality of society. I won't go on, it's a subject I feel to strongly about to be nice. Good luck. Don't believe his cinderella story BS I promise you it's an act, and if you stay do not be a doormat for her and her children. It's UNfun. Trust me. I agree with this 100%....growing up in a dysfunctional family myself caused me many poor choices in my life, and no one could have told me different either when I was your age and knee deep in the middle of all of the drama.....with no positive role models, I saw things from a rosy perspective because I wanted so bad for things to be what I envisioned....
Looking back (I'm 65 now...ugh), I think it all taught me to be a better person in the long run, so you have to follow your own heart and learn the lessons along the way....if he's truly a good guy, it will all work out in the end and I hope it does for you....it will probably work out more in your favor if you can learn to let him deal with the ex and back away from any criticism of her at all (she is the kid's mom)....the more you force yourself to back off, the easier it will become....let your boyfriend see you as supportive and on his side as a team...I'll just tell you (and I'm embarrassed to say it, but maybe the truth here will help you and some good will come of it) but this was one lesson that took mistakes for me to learn, and it's a biggee....take it a day at a time, get through the part where you both really know each other well before you make any big life decisions like marriage or getting pregnant by him, and look down the road at least 6 more months of seeing it as a trial situation...see how it goes, you're young and you have time on your side, so no rush to make things what you want in the near future....time will always tell how things really are, so give it that time if you really think he's worth it....I can guarantee failure if you keep trying to control the relationship with his ex (financial or otherwise)....so sit back as an observer of that and watch but keep your emotions under control....if you really think he's that good of a guy, then trust him to act like one and handle things with the ex without your input....the only way it will work is if you can learn to accept the situation with her and see it for what it is and TRUST HIM....
edited to say the "but you won't" comment was the reason for my post...well said, wickedstepmother...
Edited by Cindy Hamilton 2015-02-26 9:58 AM
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 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
Location: Sunnyland Florida | There will always be a lot to handle mentally/emotionally with a man and children from another marriage. To enjoy your life to the fullest, you will have to learn to live with it (and not let it bother you), or move on. You will know the right decision before long and I wish you the best.
I totally agree with you regarding this quote from your post...... this infuriates me (and quite a few others that work full-time real jobs to support these people).
" She gets dramatically reduced rent from the state, free health ins, free after school care for them, reduced lunches but somehow manages to have nice clothes and drives an almost brand new car"
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Badonkadonk
Posts: 4189
Location: Mississippi | My thoughts on it are you are a new GF. You have no right to question his Financials unless you are footing his bills. It's his money. My husband would have sent me packing over that.You are not permanent. At 5 months you are still very temporary. The EX and the kids are permanent. Not you.If he is so good money wise why is he living with you instead of getting his own place? If I were the EX I'd be raising 10 kinds of H*LL but then both my husband and my custody papers contain the no cohabitation unless married clause.I am a step mom & my husband is now a step dad. I do NOT question what goes on with his daughters mother. I listen when he needs to talk & generally just worry about things like appointments and activities. We both work together to raise each others children and it isn't always easy or fun. But we set boundaries in the very beginning. | |
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 BHW Cheerleader!!
Posts: 6847
Location: Where it is too cold, SD | My thoughts...............being I am one with a blended family/marriage.
** 99% sure that his child support payments were set by a judge/court and so there really is nothing that can be done about that.
** How she lives - works - and spends her money is frankly none of your business. Its very hard to go from a family to out on your own with two small children in so many ways. If she is getting some state assistance and is still working? Well more power to her. I myself did this when I first was divorced until I got my feet on the ground and got a better job.
** Of course she is going to look at you in that certain way - that was her husband and every single ex out there is going to do this. You are new and she is judging you as much as you are her.
** On the flip side of that - its great to hear that you are polite to her and that you don't say bad things about her in front of the kids. I get along with my husbands ex. When it comes to their daughters we do things together - such as graduations - proms - and now grandbabies. Not the same story with my ex's current wife? But that is from him creating unnecessary nonsense - 12 years later we can finally be civil but she doesn't come to my boys' functions. Which makes me feel bad because they like her and respect her.
** I don't exactly understand him paying her cell bill either...............but? if he feels its so he can keep in contact with the boys so be it for now. Once they get older I would imagine they would get their own phones and he won't pay hers. I do however don't see it as him spoiling her - I see it as him making sure he has access to his kids. Its hard on the parent that has gone from being full time daddy to every other weekend. Seems to me they over compensate with gifts - IE: the tablets.
** I think its only been 5 months - there is a lot to absorb in any relationship and when adding kids to the mix..........yowzers! I now know why I had a few friends that stayed single until their kids grew up. It was to avoid these types of issues.
** He is living with you because of an annoying roommate? that I find very weird?
** I suggest you also give him alone time with his kids when they come.................boys day out...........they really need that from their dad without you being around. And its nothing personal to you............but..........trust me! It is needed. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 302
Location: W. Pa. | Trust your gut feeling... If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 188
Location: Under the Big Sky - Montana | I hope you find peace with this situation. My only suggestion is put the relationship on the backburner-step back out of the situation for a bit. Sometimes you see things more clearly when you aren't in the middle of it. Good Luck! | |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | I read the post where you feel silly now for making such a big deal out of nothing. Glad your up for such a complex relationship at 26. I do wonder why he does not have his own place if he is financially able. He seems to be talking about big plans but is he able to follow up? There is sometimes big talk just to impress and no means of being able to make it happen. From only bits and pieces of the situations he seems to take care of his kids and that's good. His ex will always be there and it sounds like you may have accepted that but may not know what your getting into. If my kids were staying with a women my ex was living with only after a few months, I would be worried. Make sure your blinders are not on and you are fully seeing what is going on around you. This man should have his own place and pay his own bills even if you knew each other before you started dating. Your romantic relationship is still new and a lot of people are different in relationships than just being friends. This is only my opinion and wish you the best of luck and hope it all does really work out, if that's what you want.
Edited by mam0329 2015-02-28 3:51 PM
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OT am I being jealous or reasonable