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Member
Posts: 8
| Sorry this is going to be long, but I am so lost right now, and I'm not sure what to do.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years now and have been living together for 6. 99% of the time there is really no "problem" in our marriage, but the past 2 days have been rough for what seems like no reason. Tonight I got a phone call had ran outside and he couldn't find her. She had gotten in the trash and she knows she gets in trouble for that so she scooted out the door when he opened it and disappeared. I got home about 20 minutes later and was able to find her, but he basically told me it's either him or the animals because he's sick of the animals destroying things.
Now, I'm not an idiot, and I realize he's probably mad about something else and it's showing up this way. He is typically really good with the animals, but I think he thinks I love them more, and if he honestly made me choose I'm not sure that he would be wrong. I don't think I could be with someone that made me choose.
But, there are a million other things that I have wondered about even before we got married. I am not physically attracted to him (even though he's not unattractive) and there's never been that serious passion in our relationship that I've had in others. This means he gets turned down a lot because I'm just not all that into it, and he gets frustrated/mad and annoys me even more about it. As of right now, we haven't had sex in almost 2 weeks and I would be willing to bet that's part if not all the reason he is acting this way towards me. We also don't really have serious conversations about anything, in a lot of ways he is like dealing with a 14 year old boy. Since we both have very different interests, we don't spend much quality time together either. He prefers to hang out with his friends and I would rather be with my horses.
He does have a lot of good qualities, and I don't mean to sound like I don't love him, because I do. He is one of the hardest working people I have ever met, is very sweet and considerate, cooks all of the meals for us, and is completely trustworthy.
I don't really know what I'm asking, maybe I just needed to type it all out or hear people say that I should get over myself. Whatever your advice may be, let me have it.
Edited by SoConfused 2015-03-08 1:51 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
  
| Why did you marry him, if you are not attracted to him?
Did you marry him as it is the smart thing to do?
Do you love him as a brother?
I cannot fathom being married to someone who I was not attracted to.
Edited to add attraction is more then physical, it is also emotional.
Edited by cheryl makofka 2015-03-05 9:14 PM
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | cheryl makofka - 2015-03-05 9:12 PM Why did you marry him, if you are not attracted to him? Did you marry him as it is the smart thing to do? Do you love him as a brother? I cannot fathom being married to someone who I was not attracted to. Edited to add attraction is more then physical, it is also emotional.
These were my thoughts too, sounds like your with him for the convenience of things. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability.
As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy.
Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? | |
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Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | I would suggest finding a hobby or something that you can do that you don't share with anyone else.... My husband isn't the biggest fan of my horses, but he had rather me be independent and fill my time with them than sit around complaining that I'm not getting quality time with him.
And find a way to spice things up. Men need lovin' and I bet that would solve some of your problems.
ETA: a hobby only the two of you can share.
Edited by Longneck 2015-03-05 9:51 PM
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM
Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about...
You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change. | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | First, get a couple of books. You can get them both on Amazon.com:
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I'm not a fan of the woman but the book is pretty eye opening.
"The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage; How the Power of One Changes Everything" by Michael Smalley.
You can turn this around - he sounds like he's worth the effort.
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
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How do you want to spend the next 30 years?
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he wasn't attracted to you, and he kept saying no to you (on intimacy, dates, outings, etc). This is how I always look at things, and from what you have shared it sounds like you use him as a door mat.
Relationships are give and take, it sounds like you are just taking and not giving anything in return.
Is it possible to get physical/emotional attraction, if it isn't there after 6 yrs I would say no.
Honestly, I say you need professional help, see a marriage counsellor.
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| Sex drive can be lost. Overtime we let our everyday responsibilities take over and we forget why we were attracted to each other in the first place. We find our selves to busy, too tired, tv, Facebook, etc. get in the way of or relationships. People don't take the time to appreciate the other person. Everyday come home and for 5 minutes give him your undivided attention. The first thing you do, give him a hug and kiss, like a 5 second kiss not a pec. Make an effort to compliment him and ask him to give you one compliment a day. Simple thing that can change the way you feel in a split second. At first it's going to feel awkward, over time it becomes natural. Life happens, don't give up just because it get a little ruff. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | I can really relate to most everything you are saying and I can tell you about 6 months ago, we went through a really rough time in our marriage when I was about to walk away, I have to say the most important thing I learned from it was, Love is a choice, we both wanted to save our marriage and REALLY love each other how each needed to be loved.
We worked really hard on our marriage. We read the book the 5 Love Languages together and learned a lot about each other. Learn what makes you and him feel loved, take the online quiz, it's really easy. We also listened to W.F. Harleys six sessions on His Needs vs. Her Needs (they're all free on youtube!) and it helped us tremendously, I can't say enough good about it. I think those two things, praying and trying to be more empathetic saved our marriage. Someones looks alone don't make them attractive, most of it I've found is how you treat one another. PM me if you'd like. Sorry you're going through this, I think it's a normal thing and you'll be stronger getting through this together.
Edited by DLV 2015-03-05 11:31 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | First, I agree with the others above. It takes work no matter how you felt in the beginning. The physical side will fade so you need more than that. And, I think counseling will probably help. Maybe you should go, they will probably want to see you alone anyway.
As for whether what you're asking can be manufactured or not. That's hard to answer without knowing you both better (counselor can help there). I can say this. I was friends with my now husband for a very long time before we dated. I feel like we will always have that friendship no matter what. Because of that, we know each others' needs. That is a large part of why I am so deeply attracted to him. Would we have had that if we had married after knowing each other for a shorter amount of time, probably not. It would have taken a lot of work to build toward it if that had been the case. But, I do believe you can turn that love of your friend into passion. | |
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 Don't Need Sugar Coating
Posts: 1183
Location: AR & OK | I highly suggest you read the books the other poster recommended.
They are worth it.
Go get a medical check up you might be low on estrogen.
askdrhelen.com has some great products (probably the best on the market in my opinion for women) that are not synthetic. http://www.helenpensanti.com/New-Combo-Recommendation/products/222/
I use these products but am not affiliated with this company.
One of the things that happens when a person has been abused in prior relationships then gets into one that is not drama filled, they don't know how to enjoy the peace. Feel like there is no excitement in the peace.
You have stopped giving and that is a lonely life.
It seems like you have an expectation on him that benefits you but none on yourself to him.
The animal getting into the trash is a human problem not the animals. Make changes to the trash situation. Get a secured trash bin that nothing can get into it. Just little changes like that can bring back the peace.
((( hugs )))
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Umm. Wow.
I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him.
Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him.
You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you?
I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy.
When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way?
Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished?
Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that? | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add. | |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| rodeomom3 - 2015-03-07 4:43 AM
classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add.
This. | |
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 IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| Marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies. There are times where you are going to have to fight for it. What are you doing to fight for him? He deserves that, as you do too. Anyone in a marriage does, that is why you make a vow. | |
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 BHW's Lance Armstrong 
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | like you said you are not an idiot. Everything that you mentioned in you post can be fixable.You can only change yourself.Marriage: Forgiveness, Charity the true Love of Christ, Compassion. You and your husband do those 3 things and you will succeed. Yes the problem isn't the mess the animals are making it is an underlying problem. You both need to be honest with each other and openly talk about the problems in your marriage and how to fix them. COMPROMISE is huge in a marriage. You compromise for the good of the marriage. Marriage has to be worked at 24/7. Your husband should always come b4 your horses or animals or anything visa versa. There is nothing more important than each other. The 5 Love Languages is an awesome book. Read it together and talk about it as you read the chapters. Make changes to your lives for the better of the marriage. You have to have a physical attraction in some way. Maybe it is his work ethic that attracts you but you have to hold on to something. You each have to focus on each other love and needs. You are not married to your horses. You may love them but it is not the same kind of love. Sex can help but will not cure the problems but it won't hurt. Joke here: Why do women close their eyes during sex? Because they can't stand seeing a man have a good time!I don't know if you are religious or not but you may want to en corporate some christ like attributes into your marriage.Communication Communication Communication! If a man does not feel loved he will go looking for love!
Edited by Douglas J Gordon 2015-03-06 8:01 AM
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  Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | RidenFly - 2015-03-06 7:00 AM
rodeomom3 - 2015-03-07 4:43 AM
classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I am on the same page as CP. Nothing more to add.
This.
Sorry, me too. I wouldn't want to be married to you. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
I've never been married.....but I'm going to have to agree with CP. | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
This. Love is a choice. Sex is a choice (fake it til you make it). Men need it to feel appreciated and emotionally connected--what has he done to earn your contempt and rejection? He deserves better than what you're giving him.
My husband would never ask me to choose between him and the animals. Not only because he's a good guy, but because he is secure enough in our relationship to know that if a choice truly had to be made, he would win. We all deserve that kind of security, but it's not easy to find. Don't take it for granted. | |
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 Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM
outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM
Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about...
You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
Honestly, if that is the way you feel, let him go. You don't have the right to keep him from being loved like he loves you. I can't imagine feeling that way about my husband. I don't believe you can force love. It is obvious you really care for him but love him? No, I don't think you do. It is not your fault you feel that way, but it is not fair to him. I hope you get this figured out for the best for BOTH of you, not just yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband. | |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | My uncle married me and my husband. One of the things he said during the vows was that love is a daily decision. At the time, you think duh... But later on, when life gets hectic and reality sets in, that statement is so true.
Also, the less sex you have, the less you want it. The opposite is also true. The more you have, the more you want it. After two kids and six years without much sleep, it's often the last thing I want to do. The reason your husband is asking so much is because he feels neglected, and I can relate to all of this. My husband and I have been there.
Finally, you mention you had more passion in other relationships. I can also relate to this. The most "passionate" relationship I had was the one I had to bust my butt at the most. The reason I was busting my butt for it was that I was doing all the work. The guy was mentall and emotionally abusive. He was the biggest POS to walk the face of the Earth. At the time, I didn't see that. But looking back, the reason for the "passion" was because I was putting everything I had into that relationship. I'm not saying you have to go all out for passion, but it sounds like you aren't putting much effort into your marriage. I would suggest putting out more effort and saying yes more often. I think you might be surprised at the results.
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM
I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
Start giving him the attention he needs in the bedroom, and you'll see a difference in his attitude. Men get very "frustrated" if they don't get sex on a regular basis. He does so much for you, so you need to give something in return.
Buy some sexy lingerie to get yourself in the mood. Even if you're not in the mood, put on your game face and get it done. It is completely unfair for one partner to withhold sex and still expect the other person to remain faithful. I DON'T condone cheating, but if he's not getting it at home, you can't really blame him for seeking out that attention somewhere else.
Basically your choices are to try and fix it yourself, go see a counselor, or cut him loose so he can find someone who can't live without him. | |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Being verbal abused is no excuse no matter the cause. I like you have no desire for sex especially when the other half can ***** about every thing that makes you happy. If a man who loves he will not say those things to you in an aggravated voice. Fact. There is no such thing a stability unless you are alone. I live with someone who says what are you doing over 100 times per day every day. I suggest you move on if you wish for a fix. | |
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 The Original Cyber Bartender
Location: Washington | Sounds like he is figuring out that you are lying to him and the marriage. | |
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 Living within my means
Posts: 5128
Location: Randolph, Utah | I've never been married so maybe I don't get it but why did you just settle if you aren't attracted to him and don't love him in a romantic way.
Maybe you should move on and let someone who will appreciate him have him. | |
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 Googly Goo
Posts: 7053
| I hope your next post is: "My husband left me". | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | aggiejudger - 2015-03-06 9:23 AM My uncle married me and my husband. One of the things he said during the vows was that love is a daily decision. At the time, you think duh... But later on, when life gets hectic and reality sets in, that statement is so true.
Also, the less sex you have, the less you want it. The opposite is also true. The more you have, the more you want it. After two kids and six years without much sleep, it's often the last thing I want to do. The reason your husband is asking so much is because he feels neglected, and I can relate to all of this. My husband and I have been there.
Finally, you mention you had more passion in other relationships. I can also relate to this. The most "passionate" relationship I had was the one I had to bust my butt at the most. The reason I was busting my butt for it was that I was doing all the work. The guy was mentall and emotionally abusive. He was the biggest POS to walk the face of the Earth. At the time, I didn't see that. But looking back, the reason for the "passion" was because I was putting everything I had into that relationship. I'm not saying you have to go all out for passion, but it sounds like you aren't putting much effort into your marriage. I would suggest putting out more effort and saying yes more often. I think you might be surprised at the results.
I agree with this! And how many times do you see women not want the nice guys cause they are busy chasing the jerks of the world. To the OP I really commend you for asking for help and trying to get this figured out. Sending Hugs! | |
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 Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | All I can say is WOW! I feel for this guy, do him a favor a move on if this is how you feel towards him. I'm not usually so forward but good gosh woman. If everything you posted about him and still don't get it. Best of luck to the both of you. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| First, thank you to every single one of you for responding. I appreciate your honest feedback and advice. I feel absolutely sick this morning and I just don't even know where to start. When I woke up this morning I noticed a huge hole in our wall in the wall above our bed where he obviously punched or threw something last night. I just don't even know how to start to fix this. We (obviously) don't communicate well about problems and I don't know if I've pushed him to the point where he doesn't want to try.
To my defense (not that I don't deserve every word that's been said), but this little snap shot of our life is not necessarily typical. I don't usually withhold sex this much, I'd say we average 2 times a week. For whatever reason, last week passed without any, and then this week every night, he would say "Wanna have sex tonight? Nope, me either." even though I would have said yes. I took advantage of the "out" when I should have said yes anyway. But in "normal" life we get along and have fun, even if we don't spend much time together. I do get resentful that he spends so much time with his friends, and when he is with me, he purposely annoys me so that I'll tell him to go hang out with them. It's even become somewhat of a running joke when other couples ask us why I don't get mad that he doesn't spend much time at home, we say it's because he annoys me to get what he wants! This is why I say he acts like a teenage boy. He will do things like the "repeat" game where he repeats everything I say, or the "I'm not touching you" game, etc. It's annoying when little kids do it and it may be even more annoying when your husband does it.
I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to live like this either. I want to love my husband and be best friends and want to spend every minute together. I just don't know how to get there. | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Life's too short to be miserable. I hope he figures that out soon. | |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | GLP - 2015-03-06 10:04 AM SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change. can't imagine feeling that way about my husband. I don't believe you can force love. It is obvious you really care for him but love him? No, I don't think you do. It is not your fault you feel that way, but it is not fair to him. I hope you get this figured out for the best for BOTH of you, not just yourself. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband.
Why are you wasting both of your time? You don't HAVE to be married, and especially married to someone you obviously aren't head-over-heels for. I can't imagine being tied to someone day in and day out that I'm not actually in love with... Men don't just need sex, they need the emotional security (that women need too.) You have that security, he doesn't, because you aren't giving it to him. You aren't giving it to him because you aren't treating your marriage as a marriage, it sounds like you're treating your partner in life as a strained friendship vs a husband.... It's not fair to him at all. | |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | If you want to fix it, start with yourself and go see a marriage counselor. Show him that you want to try. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 399
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 9:42 PM
Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability.
As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy.
Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with?
If I responded to someone that the reason I married my husband for stability and safe and that I traded attraction for stability I would feel HORRIBLE for my husband because men may be quiet about things but they are NOT dumb. After six years they will figure out this that you do not feel attractive to him. I can see why he gave you an ultimatum over the animals or him because he probably needs to feel SOMETHING because in all reality he probably has his heart breaking. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 399
| Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
SO TRUE! | |
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 That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out. | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 11:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
They made that movie here in town. One of the bigger churches produced it. While "cheesy" as you say, it does make a very good point. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 10:47 AM
So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
Thank you, I'll see if I can find it.
I've also ordered the books that were recommended. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | SoConfused - 2015-03-06 10:34 AM First, thank you to every single one of you for responding. I appreciate your honest feedback and advice. I feel absolutely sick this morning and I just don't even know where to start. When I woke up this morning I noticed a huge hole in our wall in the wall above our bed where he obviously punched or threw something last night. I just don't even know how to start to fix this. We (obviously) don't communicate well about problems and I don't know if I've pushed him to the point where he doesn't want to try. To my defense (not that I don't deserve every word that's been said), but this little snap shot of our life is not necessarily typical. I don't usually withhold sex this much, I'd say we average 2 times a week. For whatever reason, last week passed without any, and then this week every night, he would say "Wanna have sex tonight? Nope, me either." even though I would have said yes. I took advantage of the "out" when I should have said yes anyway. But in "normal" life we get along and have fun, even if we don't spend much time together. I do get resentful that he spends so much time with his friends, and when he is with me, he purposely annoys me so that I'll tell him to go hang out with them. It's even become somewhat of a running joke when other couples ask us why I don't get mad that he doesn't spend much time at home, we say it's because he annoys me to get what he wants! This is why I say he acts like a teenage boy. He will do things like the "repeat" game where he repeats everything I say, or the "I'm not touching you" game, etc. It's annoying when little kids do it and it may be even more annoying when your husband does it. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to live like this either. I want to love my husband and be best friends and want to spend every minute together. I just don't know how to get there.
You know sometimes you just got to hit rock bottom before you can come back up. Maybe try a marriage counselor. I feel like you are harder on yourself, which I can appreciate, but it sounds like there are things you both need to work on. | |
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Shipwrecked and Flat Out Zapped
Posts: 16390
Location: DUMPING CATS AND PIGS IN TEXAS :) | Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 10:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
Similarly, if I feel like Bryan isn't giving me enough attention or not doing enough for me, we watch Misery together. It always works :) | |
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That's White "Man" to You
Posts: 5515
| LRQHS - 2015-03-06 10:53 AM Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 10:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out. Similarly, if I feel like Bryan isn't giving me enough attention or not doing enough for me, we watch Misery together. It always works :)
Or if you are bored...you could try seven shades of whatever it is called!  | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | LRQHS - 2015-03-06 10:53 AM
Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 10:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out.
Similarly, if I feel like Bryan isn't giving me enough attention or not doing enough for me, we watch Misery together. It always works :)
That's funny, because when my hubby and I watch movies or t.v. shows like that, we tell each other "you better watch out, that could be you!"
My hubby has a long-time friend who is in an absolutely miserable relationship. They started dating, moved in together, she got pregnant, the baby is now almost two, and he still doesn't want to marry her. None of his friends like her. Anyways, whenever my hubby hangs out with him, it really opens his eyes and makes him appreciate how good he's got it. I've come to really like his "guy time" because even when he gets frustrated with me, he quickly realizes it could be MUCH MUCH worse. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time.
You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner.
There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry.
All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini.
Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow.
This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems. | |
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | 3canstorun - 2015-03-06 10:49 AM Whiteboy - 2015-03-06 11:47 AM So the other day while my wife and I were trying to find something to watch on netflix, we stumbled across a super cheeeesy movie called "Fireproof". Watch it...together...it has a really good message that could help you guys out. They made that movie here in town. One of the bigger churches produced it. While "cheesy" as you say, it does make a very good point.
yes it does | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM
Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time.
You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner.
There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry.
All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini.
Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow.
This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
OMG, I think I love you. Quoting the whole thing because it bears repeating. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM
Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time.
You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner.
There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry.
All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini.
Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow.
This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
You have no idea how much I needed this. Thank you. | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time. You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner. There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry. All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini. Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow. This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
One can marry for what ever reasons they want but be prepared for what comes with that decision. If you can't do that, get out of the marriage.
My husband is definitely not a man you would describe as handsome but from the day we met to 27 years later that man still rocks my world and is the center of it. | |
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Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time. You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner. There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry. All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini. Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow. This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
 This is how I feel about your "issues". My husband and I have been married for three years and no, the passion isn't there like I was when we started dating 7 1/2 years ago. I didn't marry him because of passion.... wait for it... I married him because he's a hard worker, will be great with kids someday, an honest man, and STABLE. I knew exactly how my life would be if I was married to him...often alone because he has work out of town, not taking vacations together, not always being his #1 priority.. but he's such a good and trustworthy man that it's beyond worth it. . I like stability. It's hard for me to have fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants vacation because I like to know things in advance...that's just who I am. I applaud you more for marrying someone stable in their life and wanting to work on your marriage than just divorcing him and not working on your issues. IMO your marriage sounds fixable. I've been in similar shoes by way of not appreciating my husband enough, but open the doors of communication and spice things up and I think you'll be back on the right track. Good luck! | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM
Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time.
You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner.
There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry.
All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini.
Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow.
This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
The issue lies with only marrying for stability, and nothing else.
She doesn't know if she loves him like a brother, or a lover.
He annoys her so much she would rather be alone. From what I read him playing games is a cry for attention, and she is ignoring it, and sending him away.
The friends notice she would rather be independent then with him
Chances are he is talking with his close friends and they are telling him he is worth more then what he is getting.
As I said before the op needs to seek marriage counselling, I will add she needs to be open with her husband.
I would say she needs to tell him
She is aware that the relationship is one sided, that she hasn't been putting the work into the relationship, and she wants to save the marriage. She understands she has to work on herself first and this she is going to see a marital counsellor. She should also ask when the time comes will he be willing to go to counselling as well.
The other questions the op needs to ask, is why do you want to save the marriage, fear of the unknown, stability (financial). (We don't need to know this, but be honest with yourself)
I honestly think if the op answer is financial to wanting to save the marriage, she is definitely staying for the wrong reason.
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Every one talks about having to work hard to make a marriage work. I just don't feel like I have had to work hard at my marriage. I married my best friend who I am attracted to in every way - emotionally, physically and spiritually. He feels the same way. I know because we talk about it from time to time. I don't worry about getting old. Why? Because we are doing it together. If something bad happens, the only person I want to talk to and soothe my fears is my husband. If I am sick in the hospital, I don't want anyone there but him until I feel better. When something funny or good happens, he is the first person I want to tell about it. Do we fight, get mad at each other? Yeah, I am the bratty one in our relationship. I have driven out in the pasture where no one can here me to scream my frustration/anger a time or two. I will never put my animals ahead of him or my kids, ever. He would not ask me to choose, either. Are we perfect? Good Lord, no. But we LIKE and LOVE each other. We forgive each other. We support each other. We are happy/sad for each other. We both were blessed with parents who have stayed together and shown us how to love each other no matter what. That is what I want every married couple to have. If you have to work hard in any aspect of your relationship, then don't get married, I guess is what I am trying to say. I don't think marriage should be the hardest thing you have ever done. | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| rodeomom3 - 2015-03-06 11:49 AM
oija - 2015-03-06 11:10 AM Aarrgghhhh! It is a GREAT IDEA to marry for stability. How many women get into relationships only for passion and then end up suffering through abuse or infidelity? I don't care how attracted someone is either, passion fades. Any marriage has to work to keep passion part of the picture. You DO NOT have to have physical attraction to have passion. Most of us age anyway if a marriage lasts and our physical attraction and sex drive wanes too as this happens. And yet, minus the physical attraction, people stay married all the time. You made a good choice. He is not suffering the eternal fires of hell for having married you. He sounds like a good man that cares about you and about whom you care. What seems to be missing is just a bit more necessary mutual appreciation. And he's the type of man you can stay married too. Short term relationships and hookups are about passion; marriages are about affection, loyalty, commitment and mutual understanding, about finding someone who is your best friend and makes you better as a person, a helpmate, a partner. There are things I find physically attractive about my husband, but honestly physically overall he's not my type. But he has beautiful eyes, he's tall, and I love his strength. I am not overwhelmingly physically attracted to my husband but I am deeply sexually attracted to my husband. He is phenomenal in bed. And we are happy. I married someone who I saw myself married to in fifty years. Physical characteristics entered into my decision almost none. I cared about his family background, whether he wanted the same things in life, whether we managed money the same way, whether he would abuse me, whether we wanted the same number of kids, whether we could have common interests and even be friends. I wanted affection and devotion, passion is a pretty cherry on top. But I can still eat a **** sundae without the cherry. All that being said, SEX MATTERS A TON TO MEN. MEN DO NOT FEEL LOVED IF THEY DO NOT HAVE FREQUENT AND ENTHUSIASTIC SEX. YOU CANT JUST HAVE SEX; THEY MUST KNOW YOU ARE ALSO ENJOYING YOURSELF. If your sex drive is down, have more. Try new things. Meet him at the door in a whip cream bikini. Don't always spend your life searching for the 'one you love,' by god learn to love the one you are with. Love is not an emotion; its action. Act like you love him, act like he's sexy, and he will be. The emotions will follow. This is an easy fix. BTW, the Five Love Languages is a phenomenal book, so is Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I read books and we've had counseling when we struggled. And yes my husband can act like a big kid sometimes. He got that from his dad so I believe yours may act that way too sometimes. Make him feel loved and you won't have any problems.
One can marry for what ever reasons they want but be prepared for what comes with that decision. If you can't do that, get out of the marriage.
My husband is definitely not a man you would describe as handsome but from the day we met to 27 years later that man still rocks my world and is the center of it.
Oija, that was very well thought out and written! Everyone here I agree, agree, agree with! Marrying for stability is important. You don't have to marry for the passion, but you do need to do everything you can think of to make that man feel loved, appreciated, and absolutely cherished. Little stuff that gets annoying is usually pretty changeable with a polite, well timed conversation about why something must change before you try to throttle him.
So many women don't even try to treat their men with the same thoughtfulness and cheerfulness they give a stranger on the street, but yet expect their man to fall over backwards doing right by them. You've got to pay those men, and love on them, and make them smile. They'll keep slaying dragons and bringing money home, and doing the little things you love, if you'll just make them feel as they should be-the most important person in your life.
Sometimes I get caught up in the hubbub of career and horses, and I have to go out of my way to cook dinner, call him and tell him I love him, backrubs, shoot, even asking him how his day has been and then making sure I really pay attention and ask questions are little things that are important to him.
Just please, spend some time considering what it will take to make your husband feel like the luckiest man on Earth, and do those things. It will make you feel good in return. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL
People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-07 11:01 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up.
I get what you're saying T4L and in a sense you're right. But if a "good man" means trustworthy, hardworking, good provider, etc.... Isn't that somehow treating this human being like a farm mule? Aren't you robbing this man of enjoying life with a woman that might appreciate those qualities plus others? I thought women these days were supposed to be liberated and able to stand on their own two feet? But my attitude changes drastically once kids are involved. Once the kiddos happen, then it's about them. | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 2:01 PM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up.
Or thought of a way and starting blowing it up. | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | 3canstorun - 2015-03-06 1:09 PM Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 2:01 PM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up. Or thought of a way and starting blowing it up.
Haha! Yep, water that grass and you might be surprised.  | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM
Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL
I agree. I would not want my husband to tell me "well you made me feel safe and I knew you wouldn't leave me so I decided you were good enough." Yes, that should be part of it but I could never imagine describing the reason I married my husband because it was the "safe choice". I married my husband because I am head over heels for him in every way! He is my best friend. He is hot as hell inside and out. I love doing everything with him all the time. We are always together. I can't keep my hands off him. He is an amazing man and husband. He works hard to provide us with a wonderful life but he will never put work first. He is supportive of my horses but I would never put them before him. He is my number one just as I am his. I guess I just could not imagine being married to someone I was not attracted to and I for sure would not want to be married to someone that did not find me attractive! Yes, the outside beauty may fade in other's eyes but I will always find my husband attractive....ALWAYS!
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Googly Goo
Posts: 7053
| Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 1:19 PM 3canstorun - 2015-03-06 1:09 PM Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 2:01 PM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up. Or thought of a way and starting blowing it up.
Edited by TXBO 2015-03-06 1:31 PM
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 I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| RidenFly - 2015-03-06 1:08 PM
Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-07 11:01 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up.
Every one goes into a relationship with different needs. To condemn someone for marrying for stability OR for passion is WAY off track.
To the OP, read the books recommended and if you can get him to read them, all the better. See if you can find a counselor that you can both relate to. Sometimes it takes an outside point of view to see things clearly. Sometimes a third party can suggest things you might not think of. One thing that ours stated was that couples need to touch something like 10 times a day. Not just sex, but a hug, or slipping a hand on a shoulder when he passes by. She called it a "love tank" and told us to be able to say that "my love tank is running low and I need a hug". By gosh, it's amazing how it works for me! But then again, coming from an emotionally barren family life....no hugs, no comfort, no I love yous from parent to child. The Five Love Languages defined for me, my need for hugs and touches from my husband, probably because I did not get them as a child. the whole Love Languages things as a lightbulb moment for me. It helped to explain many couples frustration. You know a really nice guy and a good woman, both who are frustrated, thinking they are doing everything and getting nothing back. They are, but each does not recognize what the other is giving and both do not realize they are nt giving what their partner needs to feel safe and loved.
I think that if the OP and her hubby could sort through their love languages and get and receive what they each need, her attraction to husband would go up exponentially . I know that when I felt like my husband treated me like crap, the LAST thing I wanted to do was jump in bed with him. Jerks are much less attractive to me than a funny, nice guy.
I also think that is why marriage is easy for some and continuous work for others. The ones that find it easy as breathing were fortunate or smart enough to find a mate whose love languages match.
Hugs to the OP. I have gone WAAAAY longer than a week or two without and we are still married years later. But don't wait too long to seek out positive changes. An unhappy spouse who feels unloved, husband OR wife is much more vulnerable to the attentions from someone else who seems to give them what they want.
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 Chasin my Dream
Posts: 13651
Location: Alberta | Fun2Run - 2015-03-05 10:01 PM First, get a couple of books. You can get them both on Amazon.com:
"The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I'm not a fan of the woman but the book is pretty eye opening.
"The Surprising Way to a Stronger Marriage; How the Power of One Changes Everything" by Michael Smalley.
You can turn this around - he sounds like he's worth the effort.
Before I got married my mom bought me the Dr. Laura book it's a must!!!
I'll be the first to admit I went into marriage with rose colored glasses on. I am fortunate I married a man who not only is my best friend, but we hare the same interests and have the same visions for our future. Do we fight, heck yes, we are 2 strong willed people and in the end we love each other too much to give up on things when we don't agree. Marriage is definitely a give and take and even evolving of your own person. My husband is the most hard working man and does everything in his power so that I am happy and able to enjoy myself. I know I don't let him know how much I appreciate as I should AND I know I've had to learn how to become less of a selfish person being married.
We we have been married going on 8 years and he still gives me butterflies when I see him drive in the yard or when he walks into the house.... | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
I am not sure what to advise you on your situation because you are in a marriage. That is serious. I hope things get better! Best of luck.
Edited by scwebster 2015-03-06 1:57 PM
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | Three 4 Luck - 2015-03-06 2:01 PM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 12:35 PM Yes, marriage is going to require a ton of compromises but if I found out my spouse married me just because I was the stable one....I'd jump of a flipping bridge. Who wants that?
"Well, you're safe. I guess you'll do." Meanwhile...everytime a Carl's Jr commercial comes on...he's secretly foaming at the mouth.
Screw that! Give me passion or give a divorce. I can survive all by myself. I want a man to light my fire.
Of course, I am a romance author so take it for what all that is worth. LOL
People have different priorities, I guess. I've never understood women who leave good men because their chemistry in bed wasn't blowing things up.
I agree, T4L. People are lying if they say every time they have sex with their SO that fireworks explode and the heavens open up for angels to sing. BS.
Passion doesn't last 50 years. Good people do. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| SoConfused - 2015-03-06 8:34 AM
First, thank you to every single one of you for responding. I appreciate your honest feedback and advice. I feel absolutely sick this morning and I just don't even know where to start. When I woke up this morning I noticed a huge hole in our wall in the wall above our bed where he obviously punched or threw something last night. I just don't even know how to start to fix this. We (obviously) don't communicate well about problems and I don't know if I've pushed him to the point where he doesn't want to try.
To my defense (not that I don't deserve every word that's been said), but this little snap shot of our life is not necessarily typical. I don't usually withhold sex this much, I'd say we average 2 times a week. For whatever reason, last week passed without any, and then this week every night, he would say "Wanna have sex tonight? Nope, me either." even though I would have said yes. I took advantage of the "out" when I should have said yes anyway. But in "normal" life we get along and have fun, even if we don't spend much time together. I do get resentful that he spends so much time with his friends, and when he is with me, he purposely annoys me so that I'll tell him to go hang out with them. It's even become somewhat of a running joke when other couples ask us why I don't get mad that he doesn't spend much time at home, we say it's because he annoys me to get what he wants! This is why I say he acts like a teenage boy. He will do things like the "repeat" game where he repeats everything I say, or the "I'm not touching you" game, etc. It's annoying when little kids do it and it may be even more annoying when your husband does it.
I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to live like this either. I want to love my husband and be best friends and want to spend every minute together. I just don't know how to get there.
So I will ask what no one else has...how old are you and your husband. You sound on the younger side to me...but maybe not. Personally I waited until I was 34 to get married. This way I had:
Dated enough men and been around enough of my friends and their relationships to see what I would and would not put up with from men
been on my own and payed for my own rent, truck, horses, clothing, barrel races, dogs, etc and knew that I didn't NEED a man for stability
only had to take care of myself for about 5 years and worry about my own needs, wants and desires and was READY and WILLING to put another person and a relationship first
had met a man who I was attracted to physically, mentally, and felt secure with, as well as becoming each other's best friends and he had the same views about God and religion, love, money, marriage, raising children, and life (wanted to stay on a ranch/farm and not live in the city) and was WELL aware and familiar with what came with it
it is not fair to marry someone if you are not ready to be married. There is nothing saying you have to be married. If you (and he) are not ready to be fully committed to each other and there is jealousy (of friends/animals, etc) then there is something underlying the issue and it needs to be worked out or you need to part ways. And the "you want to have sex?" question like that is not gonna make it happen. Like someone else said, get some lingerie and some wine and have fun. Sex brings you closer and its the way men feel wanted.
*this post made me so sad that I had to text my husband and tell him how much I loved him and would always be there for him. | |
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Seek help and hopefully you can get things worked out between the two of you...
I think i'm gonna stop and get some whipped cream on my way home from work and suprise my husband... Reading this post really makes me want to appreciate him even more... even though we say i love you like 15 times a day and kiss everytime we seperate... I think i can do more and better to appreciate him... I think maybe you should try it to...
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1440
Location: Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-06 5:57 AM
Umm. Wow.
I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him.
Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him.
You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you?
I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy.
When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way?
Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished?
Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
She took the words right out of my mouth | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments.
You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| "Honey, do you know why I married you?"
"My sparkling eyes or my tight arse?"
"No, silly. It was because of your Union pension."
Sounds like a hell of a life. For her. | |
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 Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-07 4:57 AM Umm. Wow. I'm going to try really hard not to come off rude, but just, wow. Your poor husband. I think you need to get over yourself and learn how to treat your man before somebody gathers him up and loves the shttt right out of him. Sounds like you're being very selfish and were being selfish when you married him. You're always apart, but when together, you ignore him? He cooks, takes care of you, and makes things right for you? You spend time wishing for the passion you had for someone else? You turn him down sexually? You don't do anything to make him feel special. Geez. Would you want to be married to you? I personally feel you need to take a really long look in the mirror and listen to the things you're saying, and look at the emotional abuse you are inflicting on someone you're supposed to love and count on more than anyone. How horrible it must be to be rejected by the one person that has promised to shelter and care for you for the rest of your life, I really feel for your guy. When you look down on him and say he's like dealing with a child, and you mean it, that's so disrespectful. You seem to not respect him as a provider and as someone that is your protector. Why do you feel that way? Why did you take advantage and marry someone that you couldn't uphold something so special with, and treat as someone to be cherished? Stop being selfish or let him go so he can be admired, satisfied, and made much of by someone that can't get enough of him. Don't we ALL of us deserve that?
So well put. People take each other for granted all the time in relationships. Get away from the computer, the horses, or whatever is taking your time away from him and focus on him for once. Physical attraction comes from emotional attraction. If you spend no time with this man, you cannot expect your love to grow. Count up the hours in the day that you spend on other things and ask yourself if they are as important as your marriage. If the animals are tearing things up, do a better job of training them so he can be happy living with them too. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Bear - 2015-03-06 6:20 PM I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments. You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple.
Very well said,, and the guy even cooks for her  | |
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | Bear - 2015-03-06 6:20 PM
I only read the OP, and decided not to read anyone else's opinion because I have a pretty strong one. I don't know you....at least I hope I don't know you, because this is going to come off harsh. I suspect there are others who share my sentiments.
You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Your husband deserves better. He sounds like a good man. If he were my friend, I would recommend divorce, plain and simple.
This. And what CPC said. | |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | post a picture of the hole in the wall in the bedroom. | |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:42 PM Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability. As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy. Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? Then why did you marry him if it was never there.... you used him . thats selfish in my opinion. Shame on you.
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-03-06 8:23 PM
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | Just Bring It - 2015-03-06 8:56 AM I very much so agree with CP.
I just want to add that sex is very VERY important to men. Heck, it is important for any relationship but that is how men feel love is through sex. So when you withhold sex from your husband you are telling him you do not love him and yes, that is why he is lashing out at you because he is hurt. Men have needs and I find it extremely cruel for a woman to constantly tell her man no but yet expect him to stay away from porn, stay away from other women, and remain loyal. Many men do that for the love of their wife but why should they have to? I personally feel a woman shouldn't deny her husband sex. If you love him then show him how much you love him. Yes, there are days you may be too tired but make a date for the next day then. There is no excuse. A quickie is better than nothing.
You married him for security and not truly because you loved him. You just felt secure. Sorry but I am going to say suck it up buttercup and put out. You took those vows and part of you marital duties is to have sex with your partner. It is even written in the Bible to never deny your spouse. If it is important enough for God to make a point of it in the Bible for a healthy marriage than I would say it is pretty important.
You need to sit down with him and talk about these issues. Do not be condescending towards him either and do not treat him like a child. He is your partner in life. You CHOSE him!! Remember that! You were not forced to marry this man. He chose you and you chose him. Show him some respect and quit taking him for granted.
I could be the OP. Her husband could be my fiance. Seriously.
OP, take these ladies' advice. Imagine your life without your husband. Can you? | |
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Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-06 8:21 PM SoConfused - 2015-03-05 10:42 PM Why did I marry him? Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability. As far as how do I love him (as a brother, friend), I'm not really sure how to answer that. Sometimes after I spend a lot of time with my friends and hear about their husbands, I am so extremely grateful for mine. For the most part, he really is a great guy. Almost daily I think I should try to alter my mindset, just say yes to him whenever he asks and that the attraction will follow. But then he asks and I say no. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with? Then why did you marry him if it was never there.... you used him . thats selfish in my opinion. Shame on you.
You married this man at the wrong time, IMO.
My above comment compares us to each other. The difference is I waited to get engaged until I was 100% positive I really love my fiance. And I have always been open about my feelings.
I was scared that I was simply comfortable and he was the "smart" choice. Last year we had a little bit of a rough patch that opened both of our eyes. It was not ideal or pretty, but I saw how much he truly loves me and realized how badly I don't want to be without him as a partner in crime. We made a promise to each other that day and haven't looked back. That was after 6 years of dating. 3 months later he proposed and I said "Yes!" without a single doubt in my mind, it was an amazing feeling in my heart. We will be married this May and will make 7 years as a couple.
He makes me feel special and I make him feel appreciated.
Everytime I am around our friends I know that I'm the one with the catch.
As far as the bedroom activities go, how adventurous are you? Not saying you need to get crazy, but find out what you like. Truthfully I really could live without it. But if there is a man I'm attracted to, it's the one who loves me unconditionally.
I make sure he knows I'm not turning HIM down, or that I'm not attracted to HIM. I let him know on those nights it's just me and how my body is, because that's the truth. He loves me and understands. But he also knows I don't repeatedly shut him down.
I think it bears mentioning that I didn't begin to move in until AFTER we got engaged. We bought a home and I'm about halfway moved in now with 2 months to go until our wedding. I think the tendency to marry for comfort and familiarity is greatly increased when two people live together. I'm so happy I waited to be sure. Of course you can't change that fact.
I think you need to find out if you truly love him with everything you have and can return his love. If not you are potentially wasting your and his time.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1163
Location: Foot of the Smoky Mtns, East Tennessee | This could be my first marriage. I was you. I married my first husband because I knew I could trust him. Did I love him? Yes I did, but I wasn't in love with him. We had a good marriage as far as never arguing and getting along. He did all the cooking and cleaning and we had a lot of fun together even though he wasn't really into the horses. Was I attracted to him? Not in any way. We would go months without being intimate because I never wanted to do anything. We were married for seven years and have a child together. I finally realized I wanted more and left. I've been remarried now for twelve years and it's completely different with my husband in so many ways. I do all the cooking and cleaning because I want to take care of my family. He races also so that makes the horses and animals so much easier. The most important thing though is the physical attraction. I have NEVER told my husband no because I'm so attracted to him! This marriage is different all the way around. Am I telling you to get a divorce? No. Only you can decide how you want to live your life. What I'm saying is, sometimes you have to take a chance you are not uncomfortable with to be happy. | |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| luluwhit - 2015-03-08 5:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.
But she's not loving him. She's using him. She loves him but she's not in love with him and I think it's robbing that guy of happiness he doesn't even know about. I'm not showing my Azzz and what a thing for you to say to anyone who post on here. She asked for opinions and got them. I'm surprised at you. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | RidenFly - 2015-03-07 9:03 AM
luluwhit - 2015-03-08 5:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.
But she's not loving him. She's using him. She loves him but she's not in love with him and I think it's robbing that guy of happiness he doesn't even know about. I'm not showing my Azzz and what a thing for you to say to anyone who post on here. She asked for opinions and got them. I'm surprised at you.
Actually, I'm not surprised. | |
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I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
If
I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
I've never had someone do that for me! Great idea. I think a a good foot rub and back rub for your man should be one of your wifely duties as well.  | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Bear - 2015-03-08 9:28 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
Why the sneaky guy? If you're in love, and you truly want to uplift your man, you would do it, and do it with joy. You know, what you give, you get. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. | |
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 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
Location: Sunnyland Florida | Bear - 2015-03-07 1:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
We replaced "obey" with "cherish" in our wedding vows!! Most wives don't obey anyway!! But the husband must obey.
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM
Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.  | |
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Cold hands and Warm Heart
Location: oklahoma | Bear - 2015-03-07 11:28 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
Maybe there's a reason no one has done these things for you. | |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM
rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM
RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM
I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair.
Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help.
I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that.
A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are.
If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated.
Holy crap! I love that idea of a warm towel for when getting out of the shower. Dang I would do anything for that woman. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Douglas J Gordon - 2015-03-08 10:51 AM CurlyQ - 2015-03-07 11:12 AM rodeoveteran - 2015-03-07 10:57 AM RidenFly - 2015-03-06 2:17 PM I didn't condemn her. I said if it were ME that I'D be unhappy. Now tell me that in the OP's situation that the man is being treated fair. Riden, if this is in response to what I wrote, I was not speaking to you directly. You say exactly what I am trying to say...everyone's needs are different and there are several on here basically advising her to give up on him because the "passion" is not there. I DID say that help was warranted and improve the marriage for BOTH spouses. Another thing we don't know here is how he feels and what HE needs to feel loved....why I suggested, along with others, that The Five Love Languages might help. I have been married for 36 years, about 25 of them by myself. But I am stubborn and hate to give up AND meant it when I said my vows. I spent over 10 years "without" and when things finally started getting better, it took awhile for ANY passion to reemerge. What got us through was common interests, goals and upbringing. I did not leave him for "passion" (can't say that I wasn't tempted ) but dependable, strong and reliable CAN be sexy, if you let them. If the OP is willing and determined to try, she may yet be able to find that attraction that seems missing right now. She has to decide what it is she REALLY needs and then what he hubby needs to b happy and figure out how to give him that. A successful relationship is one that meets BOTH partners need, whatever they may be. I am just saying that it is not for US to determine what those needs are. If I agree and was thinking too that you work on you. Be the person that you'd want to spend time with, loving, kind and forgiving. Start small with holding hands, sitting beside each other and heating a towel in the dryer when he gets out of the shower. Usually, people act or react to how they're being treated. Holy crap! I love that idea of a warm towel for when getting out of the shower. Dang I would do anything for that woman.
See. Dougie gets it. | |
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Forever Young
Posts: 6768
Location: relocated to Texas | classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.
LOL, Scott is trying to stir **** again. Actually, the bible does say that the wife should submit herself unto her husband. It also says that the husband is suppose to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Christ dedicated his life to the church and offered himself to die a horrific death in order that the church (believers) could have eternal life. I DON'T KNOW A WOMAN ALIVE THAT WOULD NOT WILLINGLY SUBMIT HERSELF TO A MAN WHO WOULD LOVE AND CHERISH HER AS CHRIST DID THE CHURCH. | |
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I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| RidenFly - 2015-03-07 11:49 AM
If you're in love, and you truly want to uplift your man, you would do it, and do it with joy. You know, what you give, you get.
I wish! Unfortunately, this is not always the case. | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | luluwhit - 2015-03-07 8:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it.
She is the one that stated she cant manufactor love if it wasnt there to begin with.. so no showing my azz here.. she said it herself so why did she marry him? for support or for somewhere to go or what? thats using someone isnt it?just being honest with what she has stated.. not bashing her just being honest . | |
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Googly Goo
Posts: 7053
| Hollywood's Fan - 2015-03-07 2:01 PM classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.
Well done, Hollywood. Most people quote only the first half of that verse. A good husband has an awesome but impossible obligation to be Christ like. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 3:27 PM luluwhit - 2015-03-07 8:48 AM wow.... page 4's holier than thou have sure shown up and shown their azz'z once again....
Confused there is alot of good advice here I hope you will take whats said to heart and learn from some of the same experiences that have been expressed here. Good Luck.... loveing a GOOD man is worth it. She is the one that stated she cant manufactor love if it wasnt there to begin with.. so no showing my azz here.. she said it herself so why did she marry him? for support or for somewhere to go or what? thats using someone isnt it?just being honest with what she has stated.. not bashing her just being honest .
Thats right Bibs , and I dont see myself being an azzzz either, I just read what she wrote and it dont seen that theres any love on her end and to say that she withwholds the S word from him is kinda being a child to me that got married for all the wrong reason's. | |
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Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | Bear - 2015-03-07 1:14 PM
Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey.
lol, obey!! What's that??? I know in my relationship that I fail on that one!!! | |
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases.
Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two.
She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being."
She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it.
Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow.
Aarrghhhhh!
We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
Edited by oija 2015-03-07 8:26 PM
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | oija - 2015-03-07 9:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help. It's been 6 years, is that really something you can manufacture when it wasn't there to begin with?
she said she loves him as a brother or friend.. to me that means not as a husband and her sentence above threw me so I asked why did she marry him ?
if it hurt her feelings I am sorry.. it wasnt meant to but it was a question and if it wasnt for love and it love wasnt there from the beginning... well shes going to get opinions and I feel we can never express ours anymore on here .. so what do you want us to do? or say? she asked ? I am sure shes not a hitlar with boobs as you call it.. My opinion wasnt attacking her.. shame on her for doing what she did yes.. but not attacking her .
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-03-07 8:32 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | She never said love wasn't there; she said she had little physical attraction. Big difference. Less physical attraction can make it harder to jump into bed and be super passionate but it is not a requirement. There are other ways to be attracted. Love is a learned behavior. Passion can be learned too. What is the kama sutra about? Its a book about how to enjoy sexual love about how to learn how to have good sex. I know of a few young people, especially who are inexperienced sexually, that have tons of passion but then fumble around because of inexperience. They learn how to make love and do it well, or sometimes they become so disheartened that no matter the physical attraction they stop trying. Good sex is often a great cure. It helps generate passion. Who doesn't like to feel good? I'm not saying don't express opinions; I'm saying calculate them. It's that whole 'think before you speak' thing good parents teach us. Or in this case read before you write. I actually like seeing a myriad of opinions on here to a great degree. I've seen some posters that needed a wake up call. This one, maybe not so much. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | TXBO - 2015-03-07 3:36 PM
Hollywood's Fan - 2015-03-07 2:01 PM classicpotatochip - 2015-03-08 11:23 AM Bear - 2015-03-07 12:14 PM Women in general need to be reminded that they should nurture and pamper their husbands. It's their duty, in addition to love, honor, and obey. Oh lord. I'm headed to make popcorn.
I know plenty of women who only read the second part. They expect a man to make them happy, read their minds, cook, clean, provide financially, meet all their needs and it's still not enough. Some people can still find fault in everything. | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | oija - 2015-03-07 8:22 PM
Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases.
Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two.
She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being."
She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it.
Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow.
Aarrghhhhh!
We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
I think coming on here and laying out her situation KNOWING some of the answers/responses she was gonna get really shows that she's asking for ways to help her marriage. I don't have the answers for her, but I respect that she's trying to make a go of her marriage instead of just walking out. Too easy to do that these days. And he may would much rather have this woman in his life working thru their issues than to have her out of his life. . . . | |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
you are my hero. And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am. Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves. She said she married for stability. Not money. You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck..... that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her. | |
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pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | Now my advice to the op - worth exactly what you are paying for it - ask your husband to write you a letter about what it is that is currently bothering him. Then read it and answer it ... consider his feelings.. give them weight and respond to his feelings. If you are not communicating well right now figure out new ways to communicate.
Edited by willrodeo4food 2015-03-07 9:03 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
you are my hero. And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am. Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves. She said she married for stability. Not money. You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck..... that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
Edited to add we honestly don't need to know, i have learned as soon as you make assumptions, you make an ass out of yourself.
Past three pages, I don't believe there was anything to respond to, no questions, and her question was answered in the first three pages, she can start there and decide where to go.
Edited by cheryl makofka 2015-03-07 9:16 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | cheryl makofka - 2015-03-07 9:09 PM
willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
you are my hero. And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am. Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves. She said she married for stability. Not money. You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck..... that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
The OP is clear about what she means when she says stable and safe. To quote: "Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability."
Her words would seem to indicate she was trying to avoid "being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting." That seems perfectly reasonable. | |
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BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | Oija, I actually think you are right. My original post was my gut reaction, and probably not very thoughtful, and certainly not very helpful. Then again, who knows? Maybe it was. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 350
| oija - 2015-03-07 10:16 PM
cheryl makofka - 2015-03-07 9:09 PM
willrodeo4food - 2015-03-07 8:57 PM
oija - 2015-03-07 6:22 PM Many of the comments on here are why the divorce rate in this country is at 50% and rising. We no longer respect marriages, specifically marriages that are fixable. I very much understand that some people split for legitimate reasons relating to infidelity, abuse, and/or substance abuse. This is not one of those cases. Go back and look at the OP's original post. She realizes there is a problem with her behavior. She does say he can be a bit childish and I'm actually going to take her at her word. We all are capable of being childish when our feelings are hurt. It takes a lot just to recognize where you might be wrong, and she already is aware of some of her own mistakes. She admits to knowing her problem and even gives a specific instance or two. She also stresses how much she appreciates her husband; she knows he's a good man. She just doesn't know HOW to help herself say yes, to help him feel appreciated and loved. She said it would be fine if everyone told her to 'get over herself.' For some reason everyone took this as an invitation to paint her red and slap on some horns and a tail. I saw a cry for practical advice, something along the lines of , "Help, I've got a good man. I'm screwing up here. Tell me some SPECIFIC THINGS I CAN DO TO FIX IT because I am SO CONFUSED." Didn't hear a cry for "Please come tell me what a miserable person I am so I know I will never fix my marriage and should never even try because I am a useless human being." She flat out says she loves him in the original post; she just doesn't know how to show it. Even if she loves him like a friend, SHE STILL LOVES HIM. It's a darn good place to start. How many people end up being blessed enough to fall in love with a real friend? She says she had picked losers before so why are we performing a BHW dogpile on her because she made a HEALTHY choice and fixed her picker. It was broken; she was picking up b*st*rds. She fixed it so now let's all make sure we abuse her to the ends of the earth for it. Did anyone notice that she stopped posting after page 3? She disengaged. I teach writing. People take comments about this stuff super personally. That's why criticism should be focused on the behavior, not the person. I saw most of her responses on pages 1 & 2 as realistic and self aware, a person willing and wanting to grow. Aarrghhhhh! We all express our opinions on here. I respect our rights to free speech in this country. But before you go into attack mode, make sure the person really is Hitler with boobs instead of a sincere wife who loves her husband and wants some help.
you are my hero. And you are a million times more literate with the same thoughts than I am. Besides everyone saying she is using him really needs to check themselves. She said she married for stability. Not money. You know stability.... a spouse who does the things he says he will, is where he says he's going to be and doesn't gamble away his paycheck..... that is a far cry from using him for the things he can provide her.
No one actually knows if the op married for money or not.
Stability can me financial, emotional, spiritual, intellectual, social, economical, etc
The OP is clear about what she means when she says stable and safe. To quote: "Because he was stable and safe. I had spent several years in relationships with plenty of attraction but ended up being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting, etc. I traded physical attraction for stability."
Her words would seem to indicate she was trying to avoid "being cheated on, lied to, constant fighting." That seems perfectly reasonable.
I AGREE WITH OIJA! You are right on! Sorry but some of you guys were judging that young lady way to harshly. Hugs to the OP and prayers for you as you and your hubby work on your marriage. You CAN do it.
Edited by lucky2 2015-03-07 9:50 PM
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pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | SoConfused - 2015-03-05 8:30 PM outrundaizy - 2015-03-05 10:07 PM Was there ever physical attraction there? Are you happy when everything is perfect in your relationship(no problems)? To me it sounds like he will get over the animal thing, and that the problem here is much deeper than what you wrote about... You are right, there is a much deeper problem, and it's me. I take him for granted and assume he would never leave me. So when he says things like he did tonight, it rocks my world back into reality and reminds me that he would be much better off without me than I would be without him....I just don't treat him that way. But I honestly don't know how to change my mindset. How do I make myself appreciate him for what he is instead of wishing he was something he's not? I know that it is my fault, and he deserves better than what I give him, I just can't seem to bring myself to change.
Make a list of things about your husband that you do find attractive. Then make a point to compliment him about one of those things on that list every day. No texts or phone calls for this exercise, to his face and in person give him one compliment or tell him one thing you are thankful to him for every day. | |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | If I couldn't only take one person's advice on this post, it would be oija's. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2015-03-07 10:45 PM
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
yes I am not sure for I havent read it but my son did and it helped him alot. I apologize to op if i sounded harsh.. but her posts did sound that way and its not my business and noones really on here but she put it out there..and yes I was opinionated I rarely post on relationship stuff for I feel its personal and not public .. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 10:51 PM
Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help.
Biblia, please know that my comments were general. I also rarely post on stuff this personal for the same reasons you named. I just saw negative comment after negative comment. If the OP had been juvenile or overly defensive I would have stayed silent. Sometimes a good slap upside the head is the right therapy. I just saw the negativity in an instance where it seemed unwarranted. That is a good book btw. And I respect your wisdom and thoughts. You're a great addition to BHW.
Edited by oija 2015-03-07 11:04 PM
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Prayers that she and her husband find a solution and peace | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | oija - 2015-03-08 12:03 AM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 10:51 PM Chandler's Mom - 2015-03-07 11:43 PM Bibliafarm - 2015-03-07 8:46 PM
maybe read The Love Dare together. 40 days of loves journey.
Tried to think of this book last night when I first read this post. My SO and I did it after a very very rough patch. It makes you think and many issues and discussions can come to light. I feel it was a help. Biblia, please know that my comments were general. I also rarely post on stuff this personal for the same reasons you named. I just saw negative comment after negative comment. If the OP had been juvenile or overly defensive I would have stayed silent. Sometimes a good slap upside the head is the right therapy. I just saw the negativity in an instance where it seemed unwarranted. That is a good book btw. And I respect your wisdom and thoughts. You're a great addition to BHW.
I know.. :) no worries.. i glanced thru this book and there is another he had .. Ill try to find it.. it looked really good. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | Thank you Oija. I was thinking the same thing but could never have expressed myself that well. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I hope that Ouija is right and I am wrong. Because even men that are unattractive cheat. Every time she pushes him away it destroys his pride and you don't do that to someone you love. So I will apologize for my comments but if she can't find a way to love him fully, she will end up with the same result.
Here's hoping. | |
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I'm a Cry Baby
Posts: 3780
Location: n.c. | For what it's worth; how do you want to be treated? Ask yourself that question and then apply it to how you treat your
husband. | |
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BHW's Lance Armstrong
Posts: 11134
Location: Somewhere between S@%&# stirrer and Saint | Just checking back to see how far down hill this may has gone and how vicious it has become. Ladies I am proud of you it is pretty civil. | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 596
| I have to agree with Ridenfly on this one. You can only push someone away for so long and they will seek elsewhere. JMO | |
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Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | Just sayin'....asking "want to have sex?" Does NOT put me in the mood. Effort is required by both parties and I will say that if my long term boyfriend doesnt throw some advances my way I am less likely to partake.....I need to be better about initiating. | |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | hammer_time - 2015-03-08 1:09 PM Just sayin'....asking "want to have sex?" Does NOT put me in the mood. Effort is required by both parties and I will say that if my long term boyfriend doesnt throw some advances my way I am less likely to partake.....I need to be better about initiating.
Sexting: it's not just for horny teenagers. | |
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Member
Posts: 8
| I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know.
So, on to the update:
Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago.
I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
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Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM
I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know.
So, on to the update:
Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago.
I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
So happy to hear this. You all will do great!!! I really respect the way you even knowingly set yourself up instead of hubby. Even though you expected it, it doesn't mean you had to have it. :) So glad to hear about two mature people working to keep their marriage happy and working! | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know. So, on to the update: Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago. I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
Now thats really good news, but why did he punch a hole in the wall? Was it just being mad over the dog being in the house?
Hope that it works out for you and your husband. | |
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Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | So glad to read this update! Keep up the work and I believe it will only get better for the two of you. | |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 2:49 PM I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know. So, on to the update: Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago. I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
.lol...I bet there are alot of men getting mad at dogs right now.. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM
I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know.
So, on to the update:
Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago.
I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
You and your husband have been on my mind since you posted; please know people are pulling for you two. Like I said earlier, far too many people give up far too soon rather than making an effort to work their issues out----I'm so glad to see two mature people making a concentrated effort to save their marriage. | |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| SoConfused - 2015-03-09 11:49 AM I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know. So, on to the update: Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago. I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
Let me turn down the lights for you! Good news! | |
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM
I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know.
So, on to the update:
Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago.
I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
So great to hear this!!!! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | Wishing you both the very best! I have a lot of respect for you!! | |
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pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | The sex is a bonus. I am glad you two were able to talk about what was bothering him and reach a compromise that you are both happy about.
Edited by willrodeo4food 2015-03-09 8:12 AM
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know. So, on to the update: Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago. I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| oija - 2015-03-09 11:06 AM
SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM
I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know.
So, on to the update:
Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago.
I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
So happy to hear this. You all will do great!!! I really respect the way you even knowingly set yourself up instead of hubby. Even though you expected it, it doesn't mean you had to have it. : ) So glad to hear about two mature people working to keep their marriage happy and working!
^^^^^^^^^^^ PERFECTLY SAID!! Knowing what you are going through from personal experience, it is hard to improve a marriage once it hits rock bottom but it is NOT impossible!! If it is what you both truly want then never give up. Everyone says marriages shouldn't "have" to be worked on but nobody is perfect and sometimes it just takes effort. Good luck to y'all and wishing y'all the best!! | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | So glad to hear things are getting better!! Thanks for coming back with an update!
Animals can be a big source of conflict in a relationship. My husband moved in with me before we were married, and we would fight about my dogs a lot. I had to accept the fact that it wasn't all about me and what I wanted. He didn't want me to get rid of the dogs, he just had different ideas of what the "dog rules" should be. At first my attitude was "well they were here first, so deal with it", but that's not a healthy way to treat someone you love. I did compromise on a few things, and he accepted some of the things that I wanted to keep in place. For instance, I'm ok with the little dog being on the couch with me, but he's not crazy about it, so I put a blanket down that she can lay on so there's no dog hair on the couch itself. She also can't just get on the couch whenever she wants, she has to wait until I invite her on the couch.
He also doesn't like the dogs around the table when we eat because they like to beg, so they stay in another room until we're done.
At first I was really annoyed that he wanted to change how MY dogs were treated, but I learned that we have to be able to work together and compromise so that we both feel like we're contributing, and there isn't just one person making all the rules and controlling everything. | |
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I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| So Confused, I am So Happy that you looked at yourself and asked yourself "What can I do?, took action and got a positive result. Even happier still that he responded in an honest manner..... I hope. I used to get arms folded over chest and a gruff "Talk" and when I said my piece, he said......nothing.......for years. Not everyone responds in a rational manner to things like The Love Dare, or Care and feeding of husbands.
Turns out, that this was mostly a communication issue. I hope and pray that as you find a little more peace and security your husband becomes sexier than you thought he was a few days ago. Attraction ebbs and flows in many marriages and commitment, friendship, stability and faith are what get us through those times. | |
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Husband Spoiler
Posts: 4151
Location: North Dakota | SoConfused - 2015-03-08 1:49 PM I have read enough of these marriage posts over the years to know that they usually go one of two ways, either the man is a loser and the woman needs to ditch immediately, or the woman is bashed for not treating her man right and everyone wants him to leave her. I wrote all of my posts so that I would be the one being "bashed" because I know I need to work on me. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, and an extra special thank you to those who offered honest advice. Ouija, I am going to print out every one of your posts so I can read them often. Thank you for your thoughtful words, they have helped more than you will ever know. So, on to the update: Friday night, my husband and I had a long talk and I apologized for being a bad wife and not giving him the attention that he deserves. As it turns out, he was actually only mad about the dog! He has wanted her to be an outside dog since we got her (3 years ago) and I have just ignored his requests. So, she has been living outside the last few days and seems to be enjoying it, and he finally started putting in the in-ground fence I had bought 5 years ago. I have been reading the books that were suggested and trying to work on me. Regardless of what he was actually mad about the other night, I know that if our marriage is going to work forever that I need to find a way to change how I feel and act toward him. So, in the spirit of change, we've had sex everyday since Friday ;)
YAY!!! It sounds like you really want to make this work. It is so nice to hear about someone that is willing to fight for their relationship. | |
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Love Me Some Robert Redford
Posts: 2335
Location: WV | Good for you two sitting down and talking things out. I'm glad to hear your really working on things. We all have been through a patch or two sometimes in our marriage. Wishing you and your hubby many more happy years together! | |
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OT-Marriage Help - Update Pg 7