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Expert
Posts: 1477
  
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | Y'all tell me if this is normal and in being overly jealous or if there's more going on. And sorry it's long. I have been in a relationship for a little over a month. This is my first real relationship. My bf had been dating a girl on and off for 3yrs. They finally called it quits in December. She's crazy like literally psychologicly crazy and is on meds for some of these problems. He still has to work with her so therefor he sees her everyday. That part I can't do anything about. Here's what gets me though. One night he was at my house and she kept calling and texting and he was ignoring her but finally gave in. This wasn't the first time she had called and text him since we been together. When we were officially in a relationship she tried her hardest to make me hate him. It has happened on several occasions. Ever since we started dating the only thing he has asked me to do is to not let her pull me into her drama and go just stay away from her. But I had had enough So I called her. I was really nice to her even thought I didn't want to be. Of coarse she got mad but not too bad. As soon as I got off the phone I text him and told him I called her because I didn't want him to find out from her. He got mad for about 20min then he text me saying he wasn't mad but he was hurt that I didn't trust him to leave it alone. He said a lot of why he is still nice to her is because he has to work with her. So after making me feel bad for doing it I apologized and admired maybe I shouldn't have done it. BTW I still don't think i did anything wrong. So Fast forward to today. Every year our county has a benefit to help raise money for relay for life. It's called Arrest a friend day. What it is is a person can pay $3 to have a friend "arrested" and then set their "bond" it's all for fun and all the money goes to Relay for Life. Well today I went to her page just to see if she has posted anything regarding either of us because she has been doing that quite often. And I see where she posted that he had her arrested for Arrest a Friend day. I mentioned it to him and he said it was all in fun and for a good cause. Maybe I'm over reacting. I know I can be a very jealous person. He works in a female dominated feild so I know he's naturally going to have more female friends but can someone be friends with there ex after 3yrs? He told me more than once he's done with her. She told me that she was done with him and had no interest in being in a relationship with him. The lady that introduced us told me he was done with her and she later told me she talked with the guy that is like his dad and he said the same thing. I've never been cheated on but I have been lied to by so many people. So am I just being paranoid or could there be more going on?
ETA: my family thinks there's more going on between them but honestly I do not believe he is cheating on me. I may be over reacting and if I am it's because of them. No lie from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed it's all about them. Im done telling them anything else because of this. Just like a comment made tonight about them. He is gone to work at a bar close to here. That's some of what he does on the side. As soon as I mentioned it my dad said oh are you sure him and her aren't going to the bar and he's just using working as an excuse. Stuff like that gets to me and makes me second guess my thoughts until now I'm just so confused as to what I think.
Edited by TessBelle 2015-04-11 1:06 AM
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| The advice I always give is: There are things you can live with, and things you can't--only YOU can put certain behaviors into those two categories. If he is not willing to cut her off 100% outside of work, you have to decide if you can live with him continually doing these things. He's making the CHOICE to do these things. Yes, she may be egging it on but he's choosing to continue to let them happen. |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
 
Location: Arkansas | I agree with FT---only you can decide what you can live with. I'd personally have a hard time with something like that. Especially this early in the relationship. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1119
| IThis is perfect for your thread and the one I just posted!
Hopefully I can get it to lad from my tablet...well shoot it won't load. It said: When a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you. Period. There won't be any excuses, shadiness, drama or uncertainty.
Edited by MissouriJen 2015-04-11 1:40 AM
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  Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | If your consumed by "their" relationship " then your in wrong one. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Never ever contact the psycho-biatch ex. Just for future reference. That's a can of worms you're better off not touching. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | This is your first real relationship.It SHOULD be full of excitement,butterflies,sweep you off of your feet flutters! It shouldnt be full of drama,worries,is he ,isnt he? You should be first,he should be first. I say move back out of this slowly but firmly.Expect more next time,put yourself first and foremost,respect yourself enough to get what you deserve.Good luck to you.This is how you Should be feeling             NOT this.........           |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| I wouldn't dump him yet, but if you continue to worry and feel unhappy then that alone is reason to move on. (before you find yourself being the one taking meds) Beyond that, it doesn't sound like this issue is going anywhere soon. The only change can be made will have to come from you. Good luck. |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| I agree with this... Trials and problems are great to work through... but after you've been together a while. If you're questioning the situations, then you're always going to, short of him quitting his job. Which will make you both unhappy. You're not happy. So let it go girl. It'll suck, because I'm the type they hates giving up on anything. But this is a loss better cut now.
You should have trust to build on in the beginning. This is WAY too early for you to be questioning him. Which is a sign this isn't the man for you. He hasn't proven his feelings for you, and you're playing guessing games. I just had to do this with my bf. It's better if you just rip it off like a bandaid and move on.
We're here for you!
Edited by americanpride08 2015-04-11 8:56 AM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| It sounds like you have a communication issue.
Yes I do think you were out of line calling up the x girlfriend. You went behind his back, then to cover your tracks you begged for forgiveness after.
If a boyfriend did what you did to me I would feel hurt and betrayed, for the reasons he said, you didn't trust him to handle it himself.
Since you have only been dating a month, none of these issues should be coming up, this is honeymoon phase.
I wonder if you are blowing things out of proportion
Have you ever sat him down and told him your concerns? If not I would start here.
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Rad Dork
Posts: 5218
Location: Oklahoma | My philosophy (but doesn't apply to me anymore since I'm married!): No relationship is better than one you're constantly fretting over. This seems like too much to worry about too soon in the relationship. And always keep in mind what MissouriJen posted. There is a lot of truth in that!! |
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | I'm gona say RUN!
Relationships are based on TRUST. If there is even a small amount of distrust it will only build.
Boyfriend should not be asking you to stay out of it.
Boyfriend should not be talking with ex other than WORK related issues (seeing that he does work with her).
There are too many real men out there that want an honest relationship than to waste time on a shaky one unless you are in it for FUN.
Discuss with boyfriend and if he isn't willing to cut comunication with EX (other than work), ditch him. |
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 Quarter Horse HIstorian
Posts: 2878
Location: Aubrey, Texas | IMHO he is enjoying the attention from this girl, even if he's not interested in her romantically (or sexually) anymore. A BIG red flag is that he had her "arrested" and not you. Plus, he didn't have the guts to tell you- I think you deserve someone with a healthier ego.
Edited by cloverleaf 2015-04-11 9:47 AM
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | I never comment on these but its rainy out and so I will again...I dont think at a month into a relationship or dating someone you can tell them who they can be friends with or not.. in my opinion your dating and you have no clue if shes really "that crazy" or he just says that or you just think that. shouldnt judge a person based on a ex.why not just date him and not be a in a committed relationship and see where it goes. if hes over her then he will stick around and if hes not then he wont.. simple as that but to me being that consumed with HIM and her really is not healthy.... |
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | Were going to lunch and to watch Longest Ride. I'm going to bring it up and see what happens. I did ask him last night to don't lie to me if he's not done with her tell me. If you are then quit talking to her outside of work. He said he's done with her but didn't say anything about not talking to her outside work. I know his mamma came unglued on him yesterday about it. He said she had never chewed him out like she did then. So maybe that will make a differance.
Edited by TessBelle 2015-04-11 10:13 AM
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Quarter Horse HIstorian
Posts: 2878
Location: Aubrey, Texas | Good luck! You've gotten lots of food for thought here- |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| cloverleaf - 2015-04-11 9:46 AM IMHO he is enjoying the attention from this girl, even if he's not interested in her romantically (or sexually) anymore. A BIG red flag is that he had her "arrested" and not you. Plus, he didn't have the guts to tell you- I think you deserve someone with a healthier ego.
Ditto |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed. |
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:21 AM Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed.
Just wondering why you say this? Most guys i've known were momma's boys and would do anything for their moms.. I'm young and clueless about this stuff though so i'm confused why they would go against their mom? Unless this guy has no respect for his mother? Idk |
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:21 AM
Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed.
I'm 22. He's 25. |
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 Regular
Posts: 76
Location: Florida | You have been handed some really good advice in these post. Its probably not what you want to hear but if you have only been dating this person for a month and are already so emotionally vested, you really need to step back and ask yourself why? Also, there are several red flags popping up all through your post and if this were me, I'd cut my loses and move on. IMHO, a month long relationship should NOT in any way shape or form cost you so much grief or emotional energy. And calling an ex is taboo in most circumstances....I can't think of anything positive coming from it. I wish you luck in regards to whatever you decide to do. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Wow, I'm a mom and my son is 26. I have never *****ed him out over a girl. I raised him right, now it is none of my business. That would raise a flag to me, the girlfriend. I want an independent man not a little boy who runs to mommy when something goes wrong. That's just me, though. Happily married to the independent guy for 29 years. And my MIL is a great lady whom I dearly love. |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| Only your can decide what you are willing and aren't wilking to put up with.
Personally - I am extremely independent, live my life, want a man don't need a man type. Over the years (I'm almost 28) I thought I was being true to that when in reality after my last breakup I realized I wasn't being totally truthful to myself and I was still trying to be what I thought the guy wanted to some degree.
My point in that is - you're young and likely still trying to figure out what you want in a man. Don't fret if this one isn't it! I've been the in between girl that end up leaving to go back to their ex - you're better than that, ever girl who values herself is better than that.
I just ended a 2.5 yr long relationship that involved a move halfway across the country together. I cried a lot of tears in the 6 months before he moved out. Haven't cried a single one since. It's been a tough couple months trying to get back on my feet, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| TessBelle - 2015-04-11 10:06 AM
Were going to lunch and to watch Longest Ride. I'm going to bring it up and see what happens. I did ask him last night to don't lie to me if he's not done with her tell me. If you are then quit talking to her outside of work. He said he's done with her but didn't say anything about not talking to her outside work. I know his mamma came unglued on him yesterday about it. He said she had never chewed him out like she did then. So maybe that will make a differance.
You have only been dating a month
I have some x boyfriends that I am still friends with and speak to, he may be doing the same.
You telling him who he can and can't talk to after a month of dating, is a big red flag for him, you cannot control him.
If the tables were turned and you were the one being told who you can and can't speak to, what would you do
If he was going behind your back and telling your male friends to back off how would you feel?
You say this is your first real relationship, and you have a jealous streak, you may seek counselling on how to control your jealously.
Also when you are together, you could ask for no cell phones, you don't use yours and he leaves his in the truck this may help you too |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| outrundaizy - 2015-04-12 9:39 AM RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:21 AM Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed. Just wondering why you say this? Most guys i've known were momma's boys and would do anything for their moms.. I'm young and clueless about this stuff though so i'm confused why they would go against their mom? Unless this guy has no respect for his mother? Idk
I dont know what it is either, but I've seen too many times where they have one "Good" one and one that nobody likes and THATS the one they think is fun. Its stupid. |
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Sideways Riding Expert
Posts: 11371
Location: ND--it snows, it floods, it snows, it floods | A bit off topic here but why is it when a couple breaks up and says they are no longer talking to they continue to call and text each other? Am the only person that would delete the number from my phone and move on? That should be one of the first steps after a break-up...delete the number. On that note I have no real advice so good luck. |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | RidenFly - 2015-04-11 1:24 PM outrundaizy - 2015-04-12 9:39 AM RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:21 AM Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed. Just wondering why you say this? Most guys i've known were momma's boys and would do anything for their moms.. I'm young and clueless about this stuff though so i'm confused why they would go against their mom? Unless this guy has no respect for his mother? Idk
HA! My sister is the same way. She wants to be a rebel I guess lol. We really liked this one guy, so we told her "hey we like him." She dumped him the next day. Now the guy that had a record for some bad things that his grandma even told us he did. She "loved" him and he "didn't really do it". blah blah blah lol. It wasn't until I told her she wouldn't see her nephew as long as he was around that she finally came up with a reason for them to split ways. Now if we don't like them we just go on and on about how they are great guys, works like a charm. |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | Sounds like a lot drama for only being together for 1 month.....I'd move on. I should be number one in his eyes. |
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 Damn Yankee
Posts: 12390
Location: Somewhere between raising hell and Amazing Grace | I'm sorry, I never got past the part of you checking up on her facebook page or whatever page it was.....
If the relationship you are in makes you feel the need to "check" up on the ex's facebook, then I would strongly suggest reconsidering the relationship.... |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hammer_time - 2015-04-11 8:26 PM Sounds like a lot drama for only being together for 1 month.....I'd move on. I should be number one in his eyes.
^^^^ THIS……..the fastest way to “run off” a guy is to be suspicious, mistrusting and jealous….all in a ONE MONTH …. You won’t have to run because HE WILL !!! |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 365
| Sounds like a mess all around.
A month in you guys should still be all giddy and happy about each other. Personally I find the fact your managing his communications and looking at his Ex's facebook a bit concerning. If you have to check on his every move when the relationship is this new, it's not going to last long. I would walk away now and take a look at my jealously issues. |
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 I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:24 AM
outrundaizy - 2015-04-12 9:39 AM RidenFly - 2015-04-11 11:21 AM Mom came unglued huh? Are you guys young? If Mom doesn't like her, then he's not going to give her up. That's just me talking from many personal experiences I've witnessed. Just wondering why you say this? Most guys i've known were momma's boys and would do anything for their moms.. I'm young and clueless about this stuff though so i'm confused why they would go against their mom? Unless this guy has no respect for his mother? Idk
That's not just a guy thing. My on-again off-again girlfriend was the exact same way (and we are both what you could call feminine I guess - just thought I'd clarify since sometimes people think one has to be "manly"). Her "ex" (she played me hardcore, still have no idea when she was actually with or not with the other girl) was full blown nuts and everyone hated her. Her mom, sisters, brother, friends, EVERYONE hated her. I was the "good" one and she would always be like "Everyone hates K, but everyone loves you and tells me to just stop talking to K and be with you."
Did not make a **** bit of difference, she still talked to the friggin psycho one.
This went on for over 2 years, even though my gut instinct from the VERY BEGINNING was to walk away, and I was a moron and just kept letting myself get hurt, played, and lied to over and over. That stupid relationship ended up causing trust and emotional issues that I have no idea if I will ever be able to fix, like the very idea of ever being with anyone, girl or guy, pretty much gives me an anxiety attack.
So I guess my advice to you, OP, would be if you have any tiny inkling of a thought telling you to walk away, RUN as fast as you can. My opinion is that no, you cannot control him - you cant tell him who to talk to, etc. But my other thought is if he was really done with her and honestly wanted to try with you, you wouldn't have to ask him more than once to not talk to her outside of work.
ETA my other sign to me that I need to drop that crap I was dealing with forever and move on was when I started turning into the psycho one. I am not an emotional, crazy girl but I was turning into one.
Edited by livexlovexrodeo 2015-04-11 11:32 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM
We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this.
If you want to work on your jealousy issues
Please consult a therapist
A professional will give you coping skills on how to deal with the jealously |
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Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| cheryl makofka - 2015-04-13 10:19 PM TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this. If you want to work on your jealousy issues Please consult a therapist A professional will give you coping skills on how to deal with the jealously
Great advice here. And, it's nothing to be ashamed of. You're so much farther ahead than you realise since you are able to step back and admit it. Good luck.  |
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Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | 4 weeks is all they have been dating............see a therapist for jealousy for a 20-22 yr old ? that isnt necessary in my opinion.. its immaturity..grow up... and it usually goes away.. and it sounds like your relationship is TO seroius a month in....... not fun......
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-04-13 7:56 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? |
That is not good. I don't see you as being overly jealous...I see you as insecure. You have already given him WAY too much power in the relationship. You have taught him that you want to be with him so badly that he can talk to his long term ex while you are on a date...he can flirt with and pay attention to the ex by having her "arrested"...and now he has you falling all over yourself apologizing for ever having any problem with him doing those things. Um. No.
Whether or not anything is physically going on between them...he is allowing and feeding the emotional connection between them. He is keeping that going by allowing her to interrupt your dates and by initiating further contact with the arrest. He isn't "done" with her. He may or may not want to keep a romantic relationship with her...but he definitely is enjoying having two girls after him. Either that or he enjoys drama. Either case it would be a deal breaker for me.
I know you are young and this is a first relationship. But this is NOT how it should be. You need to get some "hand" in this situation...you need to regain some confidence and control of things. Take a step back. Be less available when he tries to call. Go out with other guys or even just groups of friends. Be. Less. Available. Be less needy.
Give him time to distance himself from the ex before you take him seriously in a relationship. He still has a foot in the door with her....and you deserve someone who is focused on the girl he is with...not someone who is supposed to be in the past.
There's a saying that goes..."The person you are in a relationship with is the person whose calls you take"...he took her call while you were together. Nuff said.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1037
| TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM
We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this.
It has EVERYTHING to do with him.
He has you exactly where he wants you now if he has talked you into thinking you are the jealous one and over reacting about everything. His focus should be 100% on YOU a month into your relationship, heck even a YEAR into your relationship his focus should still be on you and only you!
I guess I'm not understanding how he is around this girl all day at work, and then still sees the need to talk and text her outside of work also. If he really was "done" with her, he wouldn't have the need to talk to her except on a professional level. Trust your gut, its usually right. And PS, SHE is putting things on social media to PURPOSEFULLY make you jealous. You are not in the wrong. |
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 Veteran
Posts: 212
| ive been in a similar situation and like someone else said, he is loving the attention. He wants to continue to have her wanting and chasing him, so he continues to throw her scraps. He is also enjoying the inflated ego of having you jealous and emotional over him. I think you need to just focus on you and making the relationship fun, stop giving her your thoughts it gives her power. Just completely ignore the situation and quit asking him about her and I imagine messing with her wont be as fun for him anymore.. Just be confident that you are the one he is dating and don't let him turn you into a crazy one too ;) lol. good luck. I do think it shows maturity that you realize this is him choosing to respond to her instead of making her out to be the problem and his to be the innocent one.. We girls tend to like to blame the evil other woman lol |
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Quarter Horse HIstorian
Posts: 2878
Location: Aubrey, Texas | Do you feel that you're overly jealous, or did he make you think that you were over-reacting? Remember, the best Defense is a good Offense. In other words, he can deflect blame by making it look like you're in the wrong IF YOU LET HIM. |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| my 2 cents .. for what its worth … and I didn't read all the comments:
He's stil somewhat emotionally vested in this girl - even if "just for fun". Two things about the arrest a friend or whatever its called - by having her arrested - what message is he sending her? If she's still attached to him and calling/texting - he's telling her she's still important to him in some manner. SHe may interpret this as there still being a chance. Second, what is he telling you … the same thing. If he can't see that, then there is a problem IMHO. He should be respectful of his new relationship with you and not do anything that might be perceived by anyone outside the relationship (like your board buddies) as inappropriate.
They may have to work together and requires professional courtesy and nothing more. They don't need to have contact outside work or contact at work for other than work reasons.
Are you jealous - maybe - do you need professional help? I don't know … it could be your female intuition in play here. |
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 Ima Fickle Fan
Posts: 3547
Location: Texas | If I were you, I would walk away and not look back. It's been a month. You don't have enough invested to worry and stress this much. And if you do that in a relationship, it's NOT a healthy relationship.
They've been on and off for 3 years. Their pattern is established. They called it quits about 3.5 months ago. The two of them calling/texting/arresting stuff tells me that it is NOT over. To me, it sounds more like they are in the part of their cycle when it's "off". By maintaining the communication, the door is still open for the cycle to go back to them being "on."
If your family is suspicious, that is just another reason to walk away. They don't like to see their loved ones mistreated and that is what they are seeing. It may not be in their faces, but there are enough red flags pointing to inappropriate behavior that they don't need physical proof.
Until this guy and his ex have broken the cycle, you're setting yourself up to be hurt and used. Their relationship isn't over. I'd bet a lot of money that they'll get back together again.
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this.
What a nice job he did convincing you that it was your fault....... and if you believe this.......you are being "played"......
he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| aggiejudger - 2015-04-13 2:26 PM If I were you, I would walk away and not look back. It's been a month. You don't have enough invested to worry and stress this much. And if you do that in a relationship, it's NOT a healthy relationship.
They've been on and off for 3 years. Their pattern is established. They called it quits about 3.5 months ago. The two of them calling/texting/arresting stuff tells me that it is NOT over. To me, it sounds more like they are in the part of their cycle when it's "off". By maintaining the communication, the door is still open for the cycle to go back to them being "on."
If your family is suspicious, that is just another reason to walk away. They don't like to see their loved ones mistreated and that is what they are seeing. It may not be in their faces, but there are enough red flags pointing to inappropriate behavior that they don't need physical proof.
Until this guy and his ex have broken the cycle, you're setting yourself up to be hurt and used. Their relationship isn't over. I'd bet a lot of money that they'll get back together again.
Agree 100%.
Let me tell you something about human instincts. Even when emotions are involved they're normally accurate. DO NOT let him twist this to make you feel bad. If you have to ask for an outside opinion then you are not okay with it, and it will continue to bother you. Also... I personaly don't think being jealous is a bad thing when it's minor like this. But then, it's normally my first red flag. If I feel jealous, then I don't trust him, if I don't trust him... adios. |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| NJJ - 2015-04-13 2:53 PM
TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this.
What a nice job he did convincing you that it was your fault....... and if you believe this.......you are being "played"......he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it
Exactly right... he convinced you its your problem. My ex husband did this to me alot.. even when we were dating, wish I knew then what I know now. On one of our "dates" he took me to a motorcycle race .. his thing, not mine but I went anyway. While I got up to go use the restroom he called his ex wife to tell her who was winning the race... I found out a few weeks after our date he did this because his ex wife told a mutual friend when I confronted him he blew up at me calling me jealous and totally ridiculous. I bought into it. Well married him anyway and after 6 years of marriage he left me and the kids for a gal at work.... found out too he had been cheating on me for 3 years. I never questioned anything because he was so manipulative he always made me feel like I was being overly paranoid... very VERY well played... that chapter of my life is behind me now 5 years and I'm happily remarried... had I paid attention and took notice of those red flags would have saved me a ton of heartache and drama! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 999
Location: Sunny So Cal | Woah! Sounds like a little bit of a hot mess going on. There is no way there should be that much drama going on in the first month. He should be crazy about you! Not still talking to his ex. Plus December is not that long since he was dating her. Sounds like he needs more time to think and you need to be young, wild and free! You can give him more time if you want but if it was me I would be long gone. I want someone I can have fun with and not worry about. Don't need one I have to babysit. What makes him so special you are sticking around? |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| want2chase3 - 2015-04-13 3:38 PM NJJ - 2015-04-13 2:53 PM TessBelle - 2015-04-12 11:37 PM We have had some long talks yesterday and today. After reading y'all's post and talking to him. It comes down more to me being jealous and over reacting. He admired he shouldn't have done what he did but he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it and he realizes that it didn't look good but he said he didn't think about that at the time. Were not going to give up yet. And I'm going to work on my jealousy issues. It has nothing to do with him. I've always been jealious about everything not just this. What a nice job he did convincing you that it was your fault....... and if you believe this.......you are being "played"......
he said it was all for fun and he seriously meant nothing by it Exactly right... he convinced you its your problem. My ex husband did this to me alot.. even when we were dating, wish I knew then what I know now. On one of our "dates" he took me to a motorcycle race .. his thing, not mine but I went anyway. While I got up to go use the restroom he called his ex wife to tell her who was winning the race... I found out a few weeks after our date he did this because his ex wife told a mutual friend when I confronted him he blew up at me calling me jealous and totally ridiculous. I bought into it. Well married him anyway and after 6 years of marriage he left me and the kids for a gal at work.... found out too he had been cheating on me for 3 years. I never questioned anything because he was so manipulative he always made me feel like I was being overly paranoid... very VERY well played... that chapter of my life is behind me now 5 years and I'm happily remarried... had I paid attention and took notice of those red flags would have saved me a ton of heartache and drama!
Kick him to the curb and don't waste time on guys like this, you will miss the good ones. With a little age and maturity you will look back and realize what a jerk he is. |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| Cowgirl Kat - 2015-04-13 3:46 PM Woah! Sounds like a little bit of a hot mess going on. There is no way there should be that much drama going on in the first month. He should be crazy about you! Not still talking to his ex. Plus December is not that long since he was dating her. Sounds like he needs more time to think and you need to be young, wild and free! You can give him more time if you want but if it was me I would be long gone. I want someone I can have fun with and not worry about. Don't need one I have to babysit. What makes him so special you are sticking around?
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 Roan On The Range
Posts: 7889
Location: Stephenville, TX | Girl, you bein' played! He's got you convinced that you've got jealously issues and his ex-girl is just crazy...classic player move.
I'd take a step back and tell him to resolve his issues with the other girl before going any further with him. Don't wait for him to take action, just tell him what's up and move on with your life. He'll either clean up his act and ask you back (if so, proceed with caution), take up with the ex full time, or find a new girl to replace you as the side-piece.
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | Cowgirl Kat - 2015-04-13 3:46 PM
Woah! Sounds like a little bit of a hot mess going on. There is no way there should be that much drama going on in the first month. He should be crazy about you! Not still talking to his ex. Plus December is not that long since he was dating her. Sounds like he needs more time to think and you need to be young, wild and free! You can give him more time if you want but if it was me I would be long gone. I want someone I can have fun with and not worry about. Don't need one I have to babysit. What makes him so special you are sticking around?
Sent you a PM. |
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Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | I didn't say this earlier. Maybe I should have. He hasn't say anything remotely close to trying to make me feel like I'm being overly jealious. My best friend is the one who started that and got me to thinking that I was just being jealious. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | MissouriJen - 2015-04-11 1:37 AM IThis is perfect for your thread and the one I just posted!
Hopefully I can get it to lad from my tablet...well shoot it won't load. It said: When a man wants to be with you, he'll be with you. Period. There won't be any excuses, shadiness, drama or uncertainty.
yep |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | TessBelle - 2015-04-13 10:13 PM I didn't say this earlier. Maybe I should have. He hasn't say anything remotely close to trying to make me feel like I'm being overly jealious. My best friend is the one who started that and got me to thinking that I was just being jealious.
QUIT making excuses for him.......even IF ( and I said IF) you are too jealous....he is "playing" you.....he KNOWS that you don't want him to have contact with his ex and HE DOES IT ANYWAY............WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES! |
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | Sorry but you don't need a man around to make you happy. |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | He sounds like my brother!! My brother is a good young man but he is going to do what he wants at this point in his life. He dated one girl for a year BUT during this year he was also dating another girl he worked with. He got caught when the first girl friend came to his newly purchased home to surprise him with a house warming gift. The other girl was there helping decorate. He told both he is not married to either and if they didn't like it move on, they did and he is dating someone else now!! My mother gets on him but he says he is going to live his life and he is not ready to be married period! The guy you are dating sounds like he is not really ready to be serious 100%. To be honest it doesn't sound like you are ether, Live your life girl!! Being single is the best time of your life!!!!! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | I drive 5 0 miles to work and I have been thinking about jealousy, a horrible, unnecessary emotion...but is there anyone who doen't have it? I am eaten up with jealousy, courtesy of husband number one. I had decided to ask my peeps on BHW about this, and then magically it is already on here. I want to not be jealous!!!If a man makes me jealous I want to drop him like a hot potato...is this rational, are there men out there that are worth the trust you want to have in them. Mine is out on a trail ride 100 miles away with a bunch of old girl friends, went dancing last night with old girl friends, I am working and raising a 17 year old grandson and a runaway girl friend and working everyday, I have to work!  |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-14 9:26 AM
I drive 5 0 miles to work and I have been thinking about jealousy, a horrible, unnecessary emotion...but is there anyone who doen't have it? I am eaten up with jealousy, courtesy of husband number one. I had decided to ask my peeps on BHW about this, and then magically it is already on here. I want to not be jealous!!!If a man makes me jealous I want to drop him like a hot potato...is this rational, are there men out there that are worth the trust you want to have in them. Mine is out on a trail ride 100 miles away with a bunch of old girl friends, went dancing last night with old girl friends, I am working and raising a 17 year old grandson and a runaway girl friend and working everyday, I have to work!
Jealousy is an emotion, and the word typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust. In its original meaning, jealousy is distinct from envy, though the two terms have popularly become synonymous in the English language, with jealousy now also taking on the definition originally used for envy alone. Jealousy is a typical experience in human relationships. It has been observed in infants five months and older.[1][2][3][4] Some claim that jealousy is seen in every culture;[5][6][7] however, others claim jealousy is a culture-specific phenomenon.[8]
I put this definition in as I haven't felt jealous in any relationship I have been in, but definitely felt insecure at times, I have felt anxiety when things started going haywire. I have felt helpless at times, as I couldn't fix certain things, and I have felt anger.
I believe if someone feels jealous, one must stop and actually figure out what emotions they are actually feeling (see above definition) then speak to a professional and develop coping skills to handle those emotions.
As for relationships, I have learned there isn't much I can do when a relationship goes south, I cannot change the other persons mind, and all I can do it prevent negativity from consuming me.
As for the person I quoted, how is the man making you jealous, you can pm me if you don't want to share.
Myself, I use each personal experience as a growing experience, what I can do differently, what went well, what didn't, I focus on the positive, even if the other person did me wrong, I try to get rid of the negative energy.
Yes having someone cheat on you, it does take time to trust someone, and the most difficult part is leaving that baggage at the door. Yes there are men that are worth the trust. I always give people the benefit of trust, until they give me a reason not to trust.
Hope this helps break down the jealousy to expose the feelings you are actually feeling, figure out why you are feeling those feelings, then develop a plan to change those negative feelings into positive ones |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-14 9:26 AM I drive 5 0 miles to work and I have been thinking about jealousy, a horrible, unnecessary emotion...but is there anyone who doen't have it? I am eaten up with jealousy, courtesy of husband number one. I had decided to ask my peeps on BHW about this, and then magically it is already on here. I want to not be jealous!!!If a man makes me jealous I want to drop him like a hot potato...is this rational, are there men out there that are worth the trust you want to have in them. Mine is out on a trail ride 100 miles away with a bunch of old girl friends, went dancing last night with old girl friends, I am working and raising a 17 year old grandson and a runaway girl friend and working everyday, I have to work!
ETA: I'm not really the jealous type... and there are some men I would trust naked in a room full of belly dancers because they were so devoted to me. But if you doubt him... and he's on a trail ride with exes, when dancing with exes (probably drinking with exes) I'd say heck to the no on that one. He'd be out the door.
You can tell when a man will be loyal to you. You won't think about questioning it when it's real. Our moral compasses are general right where mistrust is concerned.
Edited by americanpride08 2015-04-14 10:26 AM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | Wow! That was great, I had thought about getting bio-feed tapes and use those to feel like I am enough. I am a nurse practitioner, revived a relationship from 10 years ago. He is a gentleman, good listener, and women tend to love him and he has more women friends than men. You did a really good job of taking the twist out of my stomach. I keep telling myself that he is the one that came looking for me, if he had other interests why look me up? |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | "A good man won't give you a reason to be jealous"
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-14 9:26 AM I drive 5 0 miles to work and I have been thinking about jealousy, a horrible, unnecessary emotion...but is there anyone who doen't have it? I am eaten up with jealousy, courtesy of husband number one. I had decided to ask my peeps on BHW about this, and then magically it is already on here. I want to not be jealous!!!If a man makes me jealous I want to drop him like a hot potato...is this rational, are there men out there that are worth the trust you want to have in them. Mine is out on a trail ride 100 miles away with a bunch of old girl friends, went dancing last night with old girl friends, I am working and raising a 17 year old grandson and a runaway girl friend and working everyday, I have to work!
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-04-14 12:41 PM
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | rodeomom3 - 2015-04-14 12:38 PM fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-14 9:26 AM I drive 5 0 miles to work and I have been thinking about jealousy, a horrible, unnecessary emotion...but is there anyone who doen't have it? I am eaten up with jealousy, courtesy of husband number one. I had decided to ask my peeps on BHW about this, and then magically it is already on here. I want to not be jealous!!!If a man makes me jealous I want to drop him like a hot potato...is this rational, are there men out there that are worth the trust you want to have in them. Mine is out on a trail ride 100 miles away with a bunch of old girl friends, went dancing last night with old girl friends, I am working and raising a 17 year old grandson and a runaway girl friend and working everyday, I have to work!
Inspiration right here |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 623
Location: /ARKANSAS | Absolutely sick emotionally when I got home last night, went straight to bed. Slept and awakened so sad that this has to end. But it does not matter really if this is right or wrong, good thing bad thing. Just decided that if I felt left out and lonely, it probably was not gonna be just this once, I really do not want to deal with this ever again... You guys helped a lot yesterday. Thanks alot |
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-15 1:28 PM Absolutely sick emotionally when I got home last night, went straight to bed. Slept and awakened so sad that this has to end. But it does not matter really if this is right or wrong, good thing bad thing. Just decided that if I felt left out and lonely, it probably was not gonna be just this once, I really do not want to deal with this ever again... You guys helped a lot yesterday. Thanks alot
Many hugs and prayers! It will get easier. Stay strong and seek Gods plan for you. He'll send you someone who will help you build the life he wants you to have! Have faith and pray about it! |
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 Expert
Posts: 2161
Location: NW. Florida | fastwrapn3 - 2015-04-15 1:28 PM Absolutely sick emotionally when I got home last night, went straight to bed. Slept and awakened so sad that this has to end. But it does not matter really if this is right or wrong, good thing bad thing. Just decided that if I felt left out and lonely, it probably was not gonna be just this once, I really do not want to deal with this ever again... You guys helped a lot yesterday. Thanks alot
I think you need to tell him how you feel. I think we expect our partners to know how we're feeling, but we weren't made with the mind reading button. No one deserves to be unhappy do what makes you happy, if that's being around him, or not. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 494
| Ok after reading this instantly I can tell you that you need to leave now before you get in any farther. I can tell you this from the personal experience. Reasoning here:
1) A guy that was on-off-on again with a girl is a huge red flag. That means that he lacks self control and/or commitment issues. IF they broke up clearly there was something that was undesirable about the relationship. Now, why would someone want to go back to that? Yes, you painfully miss the comfort/attention of the person but having a firm control on yourself realizes that neither person is healthy for the other and aren't meant to be together. Its about being an adult with the situation and even though the short term heartache sucks, its for the benefits of the long term. From personal experience, it takes me about 2 months to fully move on(not checking social media included.)
2) You don't have jealousy issues. This is perfectly normal. A man that truly puts you first and cares about you should not even make you question another girl in the SLIGHTEST way. He should never answer her calls/texts either. He clearly knows you have an issue with the ex there, so he should not put himself/you in a position to question anything. Do NOT make excuses for him either and try to think of different possible scenarios that "could" cause him to talk/interact/arrest her. Guys don't think like women. Their motives are cut and blank, either interested in having a side girl, being committed, or not.
3) You will always worry about this ex if you stay with him, always. Being in a relationship where you cannot trust someone is AWFUL. Horrible. It can almost make you "that crazy girl" but in reality he is making you that way. You don't know what is going on underneath the surface such as messaging, calling, texting, etc while you are not around or being deleted.
4) A guy that calls his ex psychotic. Flashing red light right here... IF she was SO psychotic WHY did he keep going back with her for 3 years?!
^The answer to that is he had no self control to leave, and still feels something there.
You are too young for this. It is going to hurt like hell to leave, yes. BUT once you find someone else that treats you right you will wonder how on earth did I put up with the last guy.
Edited by epoh 2015-04-15 7:27 PM
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | ^^^^^ AND there you have it...... I so hope the OP reads that post........ |
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Way OT but I have no where else to go.