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Member
Posts: 12
| Hello everyone!
I am a board regular, but posting anonymously because I'm more comfortable.
So here's my question: I am 30 years old, and have a good career that I worked very hard to get to where I'm at (student loans not paid off, working my butt off to make ends meet). I have been dating a non horsey guy for the last 7 months. He is great, and the first man I've really had interest in marrying, but I know that down the road he will want kids, he's made that clear. We also met during an odd time when I wasn't hauling at all (I normally rodeo). He doesn't really understand how I feel about the horse thing (its just a horse, right?), and he's worried about the reputation of rodeos as being one big party. I have some really nice horses that I've made on my own, and I'm not about to give all that up for anyone.
I am scared (terrified actually) of what will happen to my career, my body and my life if I have kids. I can't say never, but its not something I can say for sure that I want either. Has anyone felt this way about kids? Do non horsey SOs really ever work out? Please give me some advice.
Thank you!!! | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
 
| You have to do what is right for you. My best advice is to have this exact conversation with him. When I met my husband I was at a place where I was very blunt and honest in my dating, I was not worried about scaring them off- if they ran then they were not the guy for me. I met my husband at a party and we had our first date a couple of weeks later. We had quite the connection and he started askingme all kinds of questions about my family, what I wanted out of life, etc. I told him I saw myself married staying home with kids- I was not career oriented and did not want to work when I had kids. He said Ok- we were married 5 months after meeting.
That said, he may not truly get what a life with horses means till he experiences it but it is only failr to him to try as best you can to explain what your life is like and your passion and devotion to your horses. You don't have to have children to be happy.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-04-20 7:10 PM
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Location: Texas | You need to talk to your SO and explain to him what your horses mean to you, the time and work you have put into them. I would also discuss his opinion of rodeos being "one big party". Yes, some people do drink at rodeos and yes, everyone is there to have a good time, but I personally wouldn't consider it a 'party'.
You have to do what is best for YOU and what makes YOU happy. If you were to marry this man, without addressing his dislikes/concerns, it will always be an issue - resentment or separation is usually the outcome. If he truly loves you and cares about you, he will not try to take your interest/happiness away.
Kids:
Yes, children will effect your career, body and obviously your life. My sons effected my life in the greatest way possible... I would not give up my life or being a mother for ANYTHING!
My family owns and operates a cattle ranch, it is the center of our world. I am very involved in my boys life and activities - I feel all parents should be. Therefore, my boys don't have phones, iPads, video games or satellite in their rooms. My sons and husband team rope and ranch rodeo, I barrel race and rope as well, my family (aside from work) spend 99.9% of our time in the arena, barn, on the back of our horses or on the road to our events. Sacrifices do have to be made when children are involved but I still get to barrel race and watch them rope. It's a win-win.
My body even changed for the best. I never thought I would have abs after two kids, or that I would have time to run 3 miles a day and work out.
It's all about priorities and routines in our house. I wake up early to work out, I sacrifice an hour of sleep to have a healthy body. I do miss barrel races because they conflict with my sons rodeos. The way I see it, my sons will never be as young as they were yesterday and I will never get this time back; I can barrel race the rest of my life. (My husband views his team roping the same way.)
I know kids aren't for everyone, most kids are not raised like mine and sadly some parents don't spend much time with their kids. I would not change a thing, our kids complete us and are the reason we get out of bed in the morning. | |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
 
| You sound like me to a T just a couple years older.
I trust that God has a plan and if it involves a man the right one will come along - much like rodeomom I'm not interested in leading anyone one and if they can't handle the blunt up front person I am then let them run. If I'm suppose to have kids I will. I also had some great friends growing up who were adopted and if kids are not in the cards during my natural childbearing years I feel that's an option.
Anyway - you have to do what's right for you. And you should have this conversion with him because it's not only respecting yourself and your time but respecting his time and him, if it's not right it's not right and you can both head on with your lives and look for the one who is right | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| I didn't have time to read replies but here is my thoughts.... I always dreamed that i would barrel race forever. it was just who i was and never imagined it changing. i swore up and down that my horses would never be put on the back burner for anything no matter what!!! that is one of the many reasons i thought i didn't want kids either. when i was 23 i found out i was pregnant (happily). my twin girls are now 17 months old. horses have been put on the back burner since i found out i was pregnant in april 2013. i rode a little until i really started showing but i quit barrel racing immediately when i found out i was pregnant and especailly when i found out it was twins since they are already higher risk pregnancies. i am just NOW starting to ride and barrel race again...
i say all of that to say this.... did i miss it? heck yea you bet i did.... do i regret any of it? not for one second. the horses that i always literally swore would be with me forever, they will be sold in a heartbeat if i absolutely have to for my kids to have what they need. does having kids change you? yes, every single bit of you, but not in the ways you are imagining. i don't care so much about my barrel racing "career", couldn't care less what my body looks like now (stretch marks and the extra padding... i don't mean i don't care if i completely let myself go)... your priorities change 100% but that's not to say it is in a bad way. you learn to adapt to the new lifestyle and you love every minute of it because that sweet, precious, innocent child that came from your body is worth all of it and more.
hope this helps. not trying to "talk you into" having kids or anything like that. just giving you a point of view from a happy and proud mommy that was in your same boat just a few short years ago. i may have been younger than you at the time, but still the same idea. i'm here to talk any time  | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO is into the whole motocross racing/ drag strip racing/ and anything that goes fast racing. LOL
I on the other hand like to watch but I am not getting on more than one horse at a time! Ha
He has his bikes and toys and I have my horses and leather work. We both support each other on weekends when our races don't interfere. He has two little girls both under 5. Usually He takes one of the girls with him and I take the other. When the youngest goes with me I have a friend hold her while I warm up and run and then she gets to sit on my horse until the next run or until we go home. When the oldest goes with me she does the same thing. Sometimes she rides double with me around the arena and she stays with one of the girls I know and trust in the stands while I run and then she's right back by my side.
I have a little girl of my own on the way in July. We have both already decided that regardless of what the girls want to do as a hobby we will always make time for our own hobbies as well. We celebrate each small victory with each other and help each other out on entry fees and other expenses from each of our checks. Yes, we will even support the girls if they want to do Ballet or heaven forbid jazz or tap LOL.
Why do we support all our own and our SO's hobbies? Because we love them and want to see them achieve great things.
Make time for you and if your SO doesn't understand that you both need alone time to do your own thing you need to move on. Life is too short to be anything but Happy!! | |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | I've been married to my non-horse husband for 13 years.
I didn't want kids. I have three. The first thought in my mind when they handed me my firstborn son was, "I can't believe I didn't want you!" I cried guilty tears, but you just can't understand until it happens to you.
Is it hard? Yes. Would I change a thing? Nope.
I am blessed beyond measure. I know love like I never imagined.
And, yes, I can still ride. We compromise.
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 Veteran
Posts: 146
| I've been married to a non-horsey husband for 36+ years. We both did not want kids and have had no regrets never having any. I always knew horses, cats, and dogs would be my kids and I'm perfectly happy with that choice as is my DH. We've both had careers, we each have our hobbies and neither complains about the other's spending on said hobbies. This you need to be clear on from the start if you decide to get serious about the relationship. You need to decide what it is you want out of life and how that works with what your SO wants from life. If he is uncomfortable with you going to rodeo's now, once married he might want you to stop. If you really don't want kids then you need to say so, if you aren't sure then say so. He needs to know you have not yet decided either way if that's the case. You need to sit down and have a frank open discussion and be sure you are both on the same page of thinking and willing to accept the other's idea of what a marriage would be and will stick by each other's decision for the long haul. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1094
Location: Idahome | It sounds like you got out at a good time and before being married. He doensn't sound like a very supportive person and if he was showing these signs now, imagine what he would be like a few years down the road.
I was a person that always wanted kids, but I was in no hurry and my hubby and I were happy with the horses. My first was a bit of an accident, but I would change it for the world. She is the light of my life and I am about to have my second child. While it does change things, they are for the good. Being pregnant now, I haven't rode for the last few months and I am happier watching her "practice" her goat tail ribbon pull with her goat at night.
When the time is right it will happen for you. | |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Well congrats.You can't change the spots on a leopard. Males tend to forget we no longer live in the nethandral. ages. Some of us do go out and make a paycheck too. Keep smiling.
Edited by cow pie 2015-04-21 10:52 AM
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Better off to find out now, and good riddance. There are wonderful men out there--hold out until you find one. | |
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 The Purple Princess
Posts: 2226
Location: Charlestown, IN | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to.
Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck! | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole
sounds like a creep....your better off. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| cow pie - 2015-04-21 10:48 AM Well congrats.You can't change the spots on a leopard. Males tend to forget we no longer live in the nethandral. ages. Some of us do go out and make a paycheck too. Keep smiling.
Thank you. I went to school so that I can support myself, have my own place, my own rigs...and I would really like to find someone who appreciates that about me, instead of wanting me to be something else. | |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 10:58 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole sounds like a creep....your better off.
And my first thought was..........you didn't dump his A$$ then????? | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| NJJ - 2015-04-21 11:08 AM
hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 10:58 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole sounds like a creep....your better off.
That was Sunday. I know, I know. I should have. At least it only took 24 hours though right? | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole Wow, glad you got out before investing more time and emotion in him - he is way off base. I hit the jackpot with my husband, we have been married 27 years and are still nuts about each other. We were broke for years and he would do the ususal griping about "the budget". I still don't work, our kids are grown and he has been very successful in his career, we are at a place where we now have plenty of money. Out of respect, if I am wanting to make a big purchase I will run it by him first. Last year I text him I was going to try a Caldwell saddle and if I bought one it would be in the $4500 range and asked if that was OK. He response was "if it makes you happy"- that made me happy :) There are guys like that out there. I try to show mine everyday what he means to me.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-04-21 12:14 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| rodeomom3 - 2015-04-22 8:54 AM
wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole Wow, glad you got out before investing more time and emotion in him - he is way off base. I hit the jackpot with my husband, we have been married 27 years and are still nuts about each other. We were broke for years and he would do the ususal griping about "the budget". I still don't work, our kids are grown and he has been very successful in his career, we are at a place where we now have plenty of money. Out of respect, if I am wanting to make a big purchase I will run it by him first. Last year I text him I was going to try a Caldwell saddle and if I bought one it would be in the $4500 range and asked if that was OK. He response was "if it makes you happy"- that made me happy :) There are guys like that out there. I try to show mine everyday what he means to me.
Can you clone him?? i'll be your bestest friend forever!! lol. but really, that's awesome! | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| Racey Stacey - 2015-04-21 10:53 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck!
Well I'm sorry to hear that. It was so disheartening and sad to me, that he felt the need to constantly question what I was doing and be suspicious. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I never will. But nothing that I said to comfort him or efforts I made to make him more comfortable had any effect. We had some serious talks about it, and I honestly thought that I got through to him a few times, but like you said, it only got worse, not better.
I don't understand what makes a person be that way. I have been cheated on & it did suck but it hasn't turned me into a suspicous weirdo either. He hadn't really been in a serious relationship before, so I don't know if part of it is immaturity, and he may grow out of it? IDK | |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | I had a 10 year old when I found out I was pregnant again. I had gotten back into horses a few years before. When I found out I was pregnant I sold my horses. At the time another kid would have put too much on us trying to feed horses also. Plus I wasn't going to start a colt while I was pregnant and wasn't sure when I would have the time after she was born so instead of letting him sit I decided to sell. I regret regret regret selling my colt. He is doing fantastic (just like I thought he would) and everytime someone tells me they saw my colt and talk about how great he looked and how great he was doing I want to throw up a little.
That being said. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I always told everyone I did not want kids at all... ever. Didn't even like kids. lol Now I have 2 and if I have more then great. Granted I am one of those people that really only likes their own kids, I'm horrible I know.
After my daughter is old enough and I have time, I am going to beg to buy my colt back lol. If that doesn't happen because he already said he would have that horse until the day he dies... I'll find another horse and I'll take my kids with me and it will be even better IMO. Kids have a way of making you feel complete. I would have thought you were an idiot if you told me that before I had kids though lol. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| pinx05 - 2015-04-22 10:22 AM I had a 10 year old when I found out I was pregnant again. I had gotten back into horses a few years before. When I found out I was pregnant I sold my horses. At the time another kid would have put too much on us trying to feed horses also. Plus I wasn't going to start a colt while I was pregnant and wasn't sure when I would have the time after she was born so instead of letting him sit I decided to sell. I regret regret regret selling my colt. He is doing fantastic (just like I thought he would) and everytime someone tells me they saw my colt and talk about how great he looked and how great he was doing I want to throw up a little.
That being said. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I always told everyone I did not want kids at all... ever. Didn't even like kids. lol Now I have 2 and if I have more then great. Granted I am one of those people that really only likes their own kids, I'm horrible I know.
After my daughter is old enough and I have time, I am going to beg to buy my colt back lol. If that doesn't happen because he already said he would have that horse until the day he dies... I'll find another horse and I'll take my kids with me and it will be even better IMO. Kids have a way of making you feel complete. I would have thought you were an idiot if you told me that before I had kids though lol.
You sound EXACTLY like me. i never really wanted kids or even liked kids. now that i have my own, i still don't really like other people's kids although i tolerate them a little easier lol but my kids are my world! | |
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Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | runnin.on.dreams - 2015-04-21 1:29 PM pinx05 - 2015-04-22 10:22 AM I had a 10 year old when I found out I was pregnant again. I had gotten back into horses a few years before. When I found out I was pregnant I sold my horses. At the time another kid would have put too much on us trying to feed horses also. Plus I wasn't going to start a colt while I was pregnant and wasn't sure when I would have the time after she was born so instead of letting him sit I decided to sell. I regret regret regret selling my colt. He is doing fantastic (just like I thought he would) and everytime someone tells me they saw my colt and talk about how great he looked and how great he was doing I want to throw up a little.
That being said. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I always told everyone I did not want kids at all... ever. Didn't even like kids. lol Now I have 2 and if I have more then great. Granted I am one of those people that really only likes their own kids, I'm horrible I know.
After my daughter is old enough and I have time, I am going to beg to buy my colt back lol. If that doesn't happen because he already said he would have that horse until the day he dies... I'll find another horse and I'll take my kids with me and it will be even better IMO. Kids have a way of making you feel complete. I would have thought you were an idiot if you told me that before I had kids though lol. You sound EXACTLY like me. i never really wanted kids or even liked kids. now that i have my own, i still don't really like other people's kids although i tolerate them a little easier lol but my kids are my world!
Well at least I am not alone lol. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2276
Location: ohio-in my own little world with pretty ponies :) | I will be marrying my non horsey SO in October....although we were young, I kade it clear right from the start..horses are my number one priority, they come before everything else. If he didn't want apart of it or understand that then he was not the guy for me. He has always been amazing about them and in the last couple years actually started to take more of an interest in them and is even considering starting to ride with me. We have talked about children and are wanting to start trying after we get married...He won my heart over again one day when he said "I think I want to learn how to ride, that way I can help you get all of them ridden at night and that way they can keep in shape when your pregnant" I love this man!!
I'm glad you got out of that. You need to find someone perfect for you and cares and wants what you want too! If they make you choose...then he isn't for you! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1094
Location: Idahome | pinx05 - 2015-04-21 12:43 PM runnin.on.dreams - 2015-04-21 1:29 PM pinx05 - 2015-04-22 10:22 AM I had a 10 year old when I found out I was pregnant again. I had gotten back into horses a few years before. When I found out I was pregnant I sold my horses. At the time another kid would have put too much on us trying to feed horses also. Plus I wasn't going to start a colt while I was pregnant and wasn't sure when I would have the time after she was born so instead of letting him sit I decided to sell. I regret regret regret selling my colt. He is doing fantastic (just like I thought he would) and everytime someone tells me they saw my colt and talk about how great he looked and how great he was doing I want to throw up a little.
That being said. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I always told everyone I did not want kids at all... ever. Didn't even like kids. lol Now I have 2 and if I have more then great. Granted I am one of those people that really only likes their own kids, I'm horrible I know.
After my daughter is old enough and I have time, I am going to beg to buy my colt back lol. If that doesn't happen because he already said he would have that horse until the day he dies... I'll find another horse and I'll take my kids with me and it will be even better IMO. Kids have a way of making you feel complete. I would have thought you were an idiot if you told me that before I had kids though lol. You sound EXACTLY like me. i never really wanted kids or even liked kids. now that i have my own, i still don't really like other people's kids although i tolerate them a little easier lol but my kids are my world!
I will 3rd this. You are definately not alone. I love my daughter and neice, but basically tolerate others peoples kids. | |
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Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 10:58 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 10:23 AM Yeah and we recently had a discussion about marriage in which he ranted "its not going to be your way!" and informed me that my dad would be GIVING me to him, to be his, and that I should be willing to give up everything to start a life with him, including my friends. Thanks but no thanks ahole sounds like a creep....your better off.
Yeah wow....I suggest running and never looking back! I'm anything but a wealth of relationship experience, but I am not shy about letting anyone know that horses are my life. I will not give them up for anyone or anything. I'm single now but if I had a non-horsey SO I'd be supportive of their interests if they're supportive of mine. I'm so d@mn sick of snarky comments from my parents and others that I just won't put up with it from someone I could potentially be MARRYING.
I'm also like you with kids. I sorta like them but just don't find them cute and when I think about the future, I don't see myself being disappointed if I never have them. If I do ever have kids though I'd want to be a stay at home mom. I have no career goals other than make money so I can afford my horses. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Well at least his true self come out befor you got any deeper with him, congrats to standing up to him  | |
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Location: Texas | Southtxponygirl - 2015-04-21 3:51 PM Well at least his true self come out befor you got any deeper with him, congrats to standing up to him
Yes! Props to you for standing up to him when you saw his true colors, many women don't and even more men don't change!
You will find a man who supports you, encourages you, wants you better yourself and wants you to be happy - not control you.
Keep your head up, focus on your career and your happiness, life is short. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| EqualRanch - 2015-04-21 3:58 PM Southtxponygirl - 2015-04-21 3:51 PM Well at least his true self come out befor you got any deeper with him, congrats to standing up to him
You will find a man who supports you, encourages you, wants you better yourself and wants you to be happy - not control you.
Keep your head up, focus on your career and your happiness, life is short.
Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the comments and support. And of course you're all right: thank God I didn't marry him.
I'm feeling a little tired and sad today, but I feel confident that I did the right thing. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 4:06 PM EqualRanch - 2015-04-21 3:58 PM Southtxponygirl - 2015-04-21 3:51 PM Well at least his true self come out befor you got any deeper with him, congrats to standing up to him
You will find a man who supports you, encourages you, wants you better yourself and wants you to be happy - not control you.
Keep your head up, focus on your career and your happiness, life is short. Thanks you guys. I really appreciate the comments and support. And of course you're all right: thank God I didn't marry him.
I'm feeling a little tired and sad today, but I feel confident that I did the right thing.
Thats unstandable you being tired and sad, your worn out mentally too. Hugs to you and give yourself a few days you will get to feeling better.. | |
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | I dated a guy for almost a year.......controlling, always accused me of cheating, had absolutely no trust in me...I was so head over heels in love with him, I tried to look past his bad to just the good I saw in him. Which quite frankly, wasn't alot. He left me, I felt alone...sad...worthless.
We became friends again, he once again hurt me...so I walked away. The best advice I can say is to know what your worth is. Never allow someone to treat you in a way that you do not deserve. | |
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | It's just a conversation you have to have, with yourself and him.
My fiance had been together for a while when one day I was like, "Look, we have to talk about this seriously." He kinda knew I didn't want kids, but I made sure he understood I REALLY don't want kids. Ever. And although I know he would be happy IF it happens one day, he is perfectly fine not having kids. But that was something he really had to think about and decide for himself and his own happiness.
As for a horsey SO, I got lucky there and nabbed myself a team roper! LOL Although I can say I am definitely the one willing to make more sacrifices for the horses. So even though we both have horses and enjoy competing, we each have our own way of doing things.
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Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 1:20 PM Racey Stacey - 2015-04-21 10:53 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck! Well I'm sorry to hear that. It was so disheartening and sad to me, that he felt the need to constantly question what I was doing and be suspicious. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I never will. But nothing that I said to comfort him or efforts I made to make him more comfortable had any effect. We had some serious talks about it, and I honestly thought that I got through to him a few times, but like you said, it only got worse, not better.
I don't understand what makes a person be that way. I have been cheated on & it did suck but it hasn't turned me into a suspicous weirdo either. He hadn't really been in a serious relationship before, so I don't know if part of it is immaturity, and he may grow out of it? IDK
My best friend dates a man like this. Do not think you can "prove" to him that you won't cheat on him. We went on a girls' trip last weekend and he called her the entire time checking in. He acused her before we left that we were going just to talk to guys and get drunk, and apparently sleep with strangers. Ok, freak.
He will ask her if she wants to break up with him, why is she doing this to him, he's driving himself crazy worrying about her, etc etc etc.
He has been this way since day one and I spoke my feelings then. She made the choice to stay with him and I shut my mouth on the matter.
He accuses her of flirting with the men in her office at work. That she wants to sleep with them secretly.
But if there is any question of HIS fidelity, he goes on the defense.
Insecurity and deceit doesn't look good on ANYONE.
You only have a few months invested in this person, cut your losses while it's easy. Because after a few years, it gets sooo much harder!
And this girl talks about marrying this man in the future, that she knows he loves her, blah blah blah. He's a fun guy to be around, and my fiance and him get along great, but I don't think he's the guy for my best friend.
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Member
Posts: 12
| hoofs_in_motion - 2015-04-21 4:16 PM I dated a guy for almost a year.......controlling, always accused me of cheating, had absolutely no trust in me...I was so head over heels in love with him, I tried to look past his bad to just the good I saw in him. Which quite frankly, wasn't alot. He left me, I felt alone...sad...worthless.
We became friends again, he once again hurt me...so I walked away. The best advice I can say is to know what your worth is. Never allow someone to treat you in a way that you do not deserve.
This sounds exactly like our relationship. It just sucks. Glad I'm out of that situation, and I intend to stay that way...
Thank you for sharing & for the insights. | |
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Member
Posts: 12
| dashnlotti - 2015-04-21 4:31 PM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 1:20 PM Racey Stacey - 2015-04-21 10:53 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck! Well I'm sorry to hear that. It was so disheartening and sad to me, that he felt the need to constantly question what I was doing and be suspicious. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I never will. But nothing that I said to comfort him or efforts I made to make him more comfortable had any effect. We had some serious talks about it, and I honestly thought that I got through to him a few times, but like you said, it only got worse, not better.
I don't understand what makes a person be that way. I have been cheated on & it did suck but it hasn't turned me into a suspicous weirdo either. He hadn't really been in a serious relationship before, so I don't know if part of it is immaturity, and he may grow out of it? IDK
He will ask her if she wants to break up with him, why is she doing this to him, he's driving himself crazy worrying about her, etc etc etc.
He has been this way since day one and I spoke my feelings then. She made the choice to stay with him and I shut my mouth on the matter.
He accuses her of flirting with the men in her office at work. That she wants to sleep with them secretly.
But if there is any question of HIS fidelity, he goes on the defense.
Insecurity and deceit doesn't look good on ANYONE.
You only have a few months invested in this person, cut your losses while it's easy. Because after a few years, it gets sooo much harder!
And this girl talks about marrying this man in the future, that she knows he loves her, blah blah blah. He's a fun guy to be around, and my fiance and him get along great, but I don't think he's the guy for my best friend.
Yep exactly the truth. I've been thinking that I could "prove" it, since I've never cheated on anyone and never would. But I guess there's something there in mind that is beyond logic. My guy was exactly like you describe!! Accused me of cheating multiple times... IDK. I really don't get it. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Glad you got out.
Before my current SO I had a very very abusive SO. Come to find out he accused me of cheating because he was cheating...
2 years later I finally got away from him. Moved to Texas, started all over again, and I couldn't be happier. My current SO is my grizzly bear 6 foot 4ish protector and my loving teddy bear.
You getting out of this relationship will teach you to appreciate all the little things the right man God has in mind for you will do for you. I still cry every time he brings me a small gift home just because. He knows I love Wild Daisies:) He has no shame whooping his big black dodge over to pick them for me either. I would have never appreciated that before the wrong man said: "Daises are cheap and look plain, you're getting roses for Valentines so people don't think I cut corners." I'm happy with one plain daisy over 4 dozen roses any day.  | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| IRunOnFaith - 2015-04-21 4:03 PM
Glad you got out.
Before my current SO I had a very very abusive SO. Come to find out he accused me of cheating because he was cheating...
2 years later I finally got away from him. Moved to Texas, started all over again, and I couldn't be happier. My current SO is my grizzly bear 6 foot 4ish protector and my loving teddy bear.
You getting out of this relationship will teach you to appreciate all the little things the right man God has in mind for you will do for you. I still cry every time he brings me a small gift home just because. He knows I love Wild Daisies:) He has no shame whooping his big black dodge over to pick them for me either. I would have never appreciated that before the wrong man said: "Daises are cheap and look plain, you're getting roses for Valentines so people don't think I cut corners." I'm happy with one plain daisy over 4 dozen roses any day.
Your man sounds like mine. And I also never wanted kids before I met my husband. I remember the first night that he spent with me, I told him "you can stay with me but you will have to muck stalls and throw hay with me in the morning. And morning means when the sun comes up." He did it and has helped me every day for 3 years now. He brings me sunflowers or pumpkins when he feels inclined, because those things make me happy. And not on Valentine's Day or whenever you are "supposed" to give gifts...because I hate Hallmark Holidays and he knows it. He is the one who encourages my barrel racing even when he could be doing something else. When I found out I was pregnant I was not exactly excited about it...I ran my horse until I was about 8 months along...we just ran slow. Now the baby fits seamlessly into our lives at 3 months old. I run, he holds baby. It's great. Yes, I have a colt to start that isn't getting started so the colt is going to training and I will ride him at the trainer's on the weekend. Like someone else said, I think I would throw up if I sold him and then started to see him win...without me. But spending time with my baby at the age he is now is priceless, even as heartless and uninterested in children as I was before I found the right man. Oh...and stay away from the "partying" on rodeo weekend. That's how babies get born. True story...there are about 5 new babies all within a week or 2 of mine thanks to rodeo weekend. LOL | |
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Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 5:54 PM dashnlotti - 2015-04-21 4:31 PM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 1:20 PM Racey Stacey - 2015-04-21 10:53 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-21 11:21 AM Thank you for the replies everyone. I had expressed some misgivings about having children before to him, but I came home last night with the intent to let him know exactly my feelings on the subject, which I did.
To be honest, there have been some pretty big other issues that we had been trying to deal with, involving him being really insecure. He has always been super sensitive about my Ex (who I would NEVER get back with if he was the last man on earth), who my friends are, what I wear, what happens at a rodeo... So last night when I got home from work, he started questioning me...and my response was basically really??? He has major trust issues, and any time I work late (which is a LOT since I'm in the medical field) he questions me about what I was doing. There are few things crappier than working a 12-13 hour shift and coming home and getting the third degree about it.
So basically, in short we separated and I think that at this time its truly the best thing for both of us. I had given up a lot of the time I would normally spend riding to do other things with him & his family, but I wasn't feeling the support coming back toward me, and what I want to do. I think there were red flags initially about his insecurity that I should have taken more seriously. I have been trying to think about what God wants me to learn from this...and really I think maybe its that people cant change, even if they say they want to. Take it from someone who is married to a man like this.. You are so much better off without this guy. It will never change. It will likely get worse as it has in my case.. Good Luck! Well I'm sorry to hear that. It was so disheartening and sad to me, that he felt the need to constantly question what I was doing and be suspicious. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and I never will. But nothing that I said to comfort him or efforts I made to make him more comfortable had any effect. We had some serious talks about it, and I honestly thought that I got through to him a few times, but like you said, it only got worse, not better.
I don't understand what makes a person be that way. I have been cheated on & it did suck but it hasn't turned me into a suspicous weirdo either. He hadn't really been in a serious relationship before, so I don't know if part of it is immaturity, and he may grow out of it? IDK
He will ask her if she wants to break up with him, why is she doing this to him, he's driving himself crazy worrying about her, etc etc etc.
He has been this way since day one and I spoke my feelings then. She made the choice to stay with him and I shut my mouth on the matter.
He accuses her of flirting with the men in her office at work. That she wants to sleep with them secretly.
But if there is any question of HIS fidelity, he goes on the defense.
Insecurity and deceit doesn't look good on ANYONE.
You only have a few months invested in this person, cut your losses while it's easy. Because after a few years, it gets sooo much harder!
And this girl talks about marrying this man in the future, that she knows he loves her, blah blah blah. He's a fun guy to be around, and my fiance and him get along great, but I don't think he's the guy for my best friend.
Yep exactly the truth. I've been thinking that I could "prove" it, since I've never cheated on anyone and never would. But I guess there's something there in mind that is beyond logic. My guy was exactly like you describe!! Accused me of cheating multiple times... IDK. I really don't get it.
My ex husband was controlling and always accusing me of cheating... turns out he just had a guilty conscience.
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Member
Posts: 12
| I should have stopped talking to him. He keeps trying to make this all my fault... He's all in a tither because now that we separated, I'm friends with my ex again on Facebook. While we were together, it was a huge deal to him that I have NO contact with my ex. He would flip about an innocent phone call every few months. I was with the ex 8 years, had horses together, etc, so we would still talk occasionally. Is it really that weird to want to stay in touch with an ex??? It's not like I would ever take him back- I broke it off, and with good reason. He cheated on me, but at least he didn't make my life a living hell like this guy.
Now my mare finally foaled yesterday and she's trying to kill her baby pacing all over the pasture and not letting him nurse. Thank god neighbors were watching & called me, so I went home and sedated her and tied her up. Now back at work, worrying.
My best friend told me this morning that she's worried he could get violent. I sleep with a glock by the bed anyway. Im so stressed out. Why did/do I love this guy? I could see myself being single for a very very long time... | |
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | block him from facebook, change your phone number......don't look back. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| Nope he will not out grow it. He is a man will always be that way and probably get worse. He was most likely cheating you just were to good of a person to suspect it or try to catch him. | |
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Location: Texas | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-27 4:29 PM I should have stopped talking to him. He keeps trying to make this all my fault... He's all in a tither because now that we separated, I'm friends with my ex again on Facebook. While we were together, it was a huge deal to him that I have NO contact with my ex. He would flip about an innocent phone call every few months. I was with the ex 8 years, had horses together, etc, so we would still talk occasionally. Is it really that weird to want to stay in touch with an ex??? It's not like I would ever take him back- I broke it off, and with good reason. He cheated on me, but at least he didn't make my life a living hell like this guy.
Now my mare finally foaled yesterday and she's trying to kill her baby pacing all over the pasture and not letting him nurse. Thank god neighbors were watching & called me, so I went home and sedated her and tied her up. Now back at work, worrying.
My best friend told me this morning that she's worried he could get violent. I sleep with a glock by the bed anyway. Im so stressed out. Why did/do I love this guy? I could see myself being single for a very very long time...
If y'all are separated, what you do, when you do it, who you talk to, is NONE of his business. Cut your ties and walk away. It will not get better and you will only be wasting more of your time.
You do NOT need a man, in order to be happy. Live your life, for you.
Everything will happen in God's time.....
Edited by EqualRanch 2015-04-27 6:44 PM
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | Haven't read any other responses but I was upfront with my boyfriend when things started getting serious . I made it clear that I would probably always love my horse more than I loved him (brutal, but let's be real!), and that I didn't want kids. He understands my horse thing and we both don't want kids. For me those are the 2 deal breakers. I can handle him not being horsey because he doesn't restrict me, and he does other outdoorsy activities.
Will he go to a rodeo with you? I mean, rodeo IS one big party but only if you participate. You also make lifelong friends in all parts of the region. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-27 4:29 PM I should have stopped talking to him. He keeps trying to make this all my fault... He's all in a tither because now that we separated, I'm friends with my ex again on Facebook. While we were together, it was a huge deal to him that I have NO contact with my ex. He would flip about an innocent phone call every few months. I was with the ex 8 years, had horses together, etc, so we would still talk occasionally. Is it really that weird to want to stay in touch with an ex??? It's not like I would ever take him back- I broke it off, and with good reason. He cheated on me, but at least he didn't make my life a living hell like this guy.
Now my mare finally foaled yesterday and she's trying to kill her baby pacing all over the pasture and not letting him nurse. Thank god neighbors were watching & called me, so I went home and sedated her and tied her up. Now back at work, worrying.
My best friend told me this morning that she's worried he could get violent. I sleep with a glock by the bed anyway. Im so stressed out. Why did/do I love this guy? I could see myself being single for a very very long time...
I'm not defending the recent ex by any means, nor do I think it's an excuse for his behavior, but maybe something to consider for your next relationship... I would Definitely feel insecure if my hubby still talked to his ex! Even if it was only once every few months. Unless you have children with your ex, I see no reason to stay in touch with one. Ever. They are someone you once had a romantic relationship with, and I don't believe in ex's being able to be just friends after a breakup. Old feelings will emerge from at least one person if not both. | |
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Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | BamaCanChaser - 2015-04-28 8:26 AM wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-27 4:29 PM I should have stopped talking to him. He keeps trying to make this all my fault... He's all in a tither because now that we separated, I'm friends with my ex again on Facebook. While we were together, it was a huge deal to him that I have NO contact with my ex. He would flip about an innocent phone call every few months. I was with the ex 8 years, had horses together, etc, so we would still talk occasionally. Is it really that weird to want to stay in touch with an ex??? It's not like I would ever take him back- I broke it off, and with good reason. He cheated on me, but at least he didn't make my life a living hell like this guy.
Now my mare finally foaled yesterday and she's trying to kill her baby pacing all over the pasture and not letting him nurse. Thank god neighbors were watching & called me, so I went home and sedated her and tied her up. Now back at work, worrying.
My best friend told me this morning that she's worried he could get violent. I sleep with a glock by the bed anyway. Im so stressed out. Why did/do I love this guy? I could see myself being single for a very very long time... I'm not defending the recent ex by any means, nor do I think it's an excuse for his behavior, but maybe something to consider for your next relationship... I would Definitely feel insecure if my hubby still talked to his ex! Even if it was only once every few months. Unless you have children with your ex, I see no reason to stay in touch with one. Ever. They are someone you once had a romantic relationship with, and I don't believe in ex's being able to be just friends after a breakup. Old feelings will emerge from at least one person if not both.
My husband has an issue with me talking to HIS ex. lol
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| BamaCanChaser - 2015-04-29 5:26 AM
wa.cowgirl - 2015-04-27 4:29 PM I should have stopped talking to him. He keeps trying to make this all my fault... He's all in a tither because now that we separated, I'm friends with my ex again on Facebook. While we were together, it was a huge deal to him that I have NO contact with my ex. He would flip about an innocent phone call every few months. I was with the ex 8 years, had horses together, etc, so we would still talk occasionally. Is it really that weird to want to stay in touch with an ex??? It's not like I would ever take him back- I broke it off, and with good reason. He cheated on me, but at least he didn't make my life a living hell like this guy.
Now my mare finally foaled yesterday and she's trying to kill her baby pacing all over the pasture and not letting him nurse. Thank god neighbors were watching & called me, so I went home and sedated her and tied her up. Now back at work, worrying.
My best friend told me this morning that she's worried he could get violent. I sleep with a glock by the bed anyway. Im so stressed out. Why did/do I love this guy? I could see myself being single for a very very long time...
I'm not defending the recent ex by any means, nor do I think it's an excuse for his behavior, but maybe something to consider for your next relationship... I would Definitely feel insecure if my hubby still talked to his ex! Even if it was only once every few months. Unless you have children with your ex, I see no reason to stay in touch with one. Ever. They are someone you once had a romantic relationship with, and I don't believe in ex's being able to be just friends after a breakup. Old feelings will emerge from at least one person if not both.
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 316
| You honestly need to cut all ties with this guy. Have your friend stay with you for a few nights make sure you always have the doors locked and DO NOT have a spare key. Also you comparing this ex to your other ex makes it sound like you would take him back because it would be easier and safer. (Not trying to be rude I did the same thing and it was a HUGE HUGE mistake on my part) Just cut all ties spend time with your horses and friends and enjoy YOUR life not worrying about what others may think of you. A great guy will come along when you least expect it | |
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kids...??? advice please