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| Well, there's a lot to this story (as there always is!) but your going to have to trust me that my daughters dad is a terrible person. He does love his daughter in ways that are convenient for him, but it's extremely hard to watch. Fast forward to the present. He is passive aggressive, flat out mean, disrespectful to me, my fiancé, and my mom. He is very passive aggressive in front of my daughter so she (who is only 3) doesn't really get it, although she does notice it more all the time. He doesn't have enough ba**s to discuss parenting issues with me to my face so instead he constantly send patronizing, condescending, mean, hurtful texts. Most days I can let it roll off my back but some days, like yesterday, I cried. My daughter can't understand why I'm sad, and I have to lie to her about who and why I'm crying. I know I'm a good mom, by no means perfect, but still good. It shows in my daughter. My fiancé is more of a dad to her than her own father but the bottom line is that he's still involved. It's basically weekly that he sends these terrible texts. Most of the time I ignore him completely or if I feel I need to reply I take the higher road and only state facts or respond to info pertaining my daughter. However, I'm reaching my breaking point. I'm tired of feeling hurt and harassed. I won't let my fiancé get to involved. He's a U.S. Marine and I'm afraid he will say something that can be considered a threat (he'd like to beat the crap out of him but obviously that would not be good or the 'higher road'). I feel it's important to stick to my morals and values for the sake of my daughter but I also don't want to teach her it's ok to be treated this way, and frankly I'm tired of living it. Any advice??? I know there are more of 'me' out there! | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
 
| It does sound like an awful situation but for the sake of your daughter it sounds like you are stuck dealing with your lousy ex. I doubt he will ever change so you will have to find a way to ignore him or find a place to put all the crap he sends your way and be able to not let it effect your daily happiness. You can't change what you can't control, don't let him "win" by his texts upsetting you- that is what he wants. It is something you will have to practice every day till it becomes routine that his hurtful texts don't get to you. I bet it is driving him nuts you have found someone else.
Edited by rodeomom3 2015-05-01 10:01 AM
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
 
Location: Kansas | been there, done that......All I can say is it will eventually get better. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | No advice from me, but it sounds like you need these's  | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Speak to a lawyer about your rights
As this can be considered emotional/verbal abuse
If he is being abusive even verbal when your daughter is around, this may be grounds to have his visitation suspended.
Where I live if a child is witness to any type of abuse health care professionals have to report it to social services, and we are obligated to ask about the home living conditions | |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
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What Name?
Posts: 1994
| I don't have children.. But I have tons of family that have been through this situation time and time again. The smartest thing I've ever seen any of them do, was keep EVERYTHING they said to one another. and ignore it. At some point, he'll realize he's not making the impact he wants to make OR it will esculate to a legal stand point and you can limit his contact with you LEGALLY. To which he can only text you about your daughter and otherwise has to leave you alone or face heavy fines and/or court. ( in my state anyways)
I will say this. I would tell him that you're not okay with how he acts and that until he learns to act like an adult you will only talk with him about your daughter. Give him haughty deaf ears girl until he starts showing you respect, or at least keeps him mouth shut. You might have to tolerate it, but you don't have to absord what he saying. When you meet up, get your daughter buckeled in, give her kisses and hugs and walk away.
I commend you for taking the harder high road and take heart in the fact God rewards patience and love. =) You've got this! You can always come here and vent. We will lift you back up!! | |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | Hugs first of all. What is the custody situation? I had an ex like that and I ended up being granted sole physical and legal custody with no visitation or contact until he could prove to a judge that he was no longer drinking or abusive. Fast forward 6 years.... He has 7 felony DUI's and has not seen or talked to our daughter since June 2009. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You can talk to an attorney, or the family law facilitator at your local agency and see what your options are. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Herbie - 2015-05-01 10:08 AM
He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
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| I cannot thank you all enough for you kind, encouraging words and for sharing your personal situations. I am very truly fortunate to be happy in my life with an amazing fiancé, my mom is my rock, and my late Dad is my source of faith. I know God only gives us what we can handle, but as the old saying goes... Sometimes I wish he didn't trust me so much! Every word each one of you said meant something to me... Rather it gave me strength or hope or fire!!! I thank you all also for giving me a place to let it all out without having to hide any emotion. You all are an amazing bunch of women and men! I love our barrel racing family!!!! My main goal is to raise a daughter like you guys said that is strong, smart and forms her own opinions and God knows, she is who this is really all about. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart! | |
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 Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4553
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | Go to the library do a scan of text messages make copies leave a copy of text messages with the police station file harassment charges against your ex.They may or may not confront him on it. Also copies for you lawyer and or spousal abuse department they will get in his face. | |
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| We actually went through nearly 2 grueling years of court battles. He knew he was beat in front of a judge so his lawyer kept throwing wrenches in... 1st supplying a made up 'journal' of like 150 pages the night before we went to court that my lawyer never even had a chance to review so we vacated court. Our court date was postponed 6 months at that point. Then 2 days before our second court dated we had a settlement conference where he never spoke. His lawyer did ALL the talking. He basically gets her every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and Wednesday's (one week and overnight the next just an evening visit). His mom has her most of that time... And let me tell you, his behavior is learned. I know the 1st time he doesn't let her go to a jr rodeo or barrel race she wants to go to, he'll shoot himself in the foot (he is a city slicker). Still hard to be run into the ground constantly though. | |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | You're so very welcome. I do want to share one more thing with you regarding your fiance. It takes a helluva strong, selfless man to deal with this behavior from another man. I hope and pray he is strong enough to understand that your ex is likely mentally ill and that the best thing for your fiance to do is to not get involved or try to "put him in his place". Hard thing for a man to do because a GOOD man should defend his wife, to stand up for her, and to protect her. In this case he is going to have to stand down, and if he doesn't it could be very hard on ya'lls relationship. This happened to my mom. She remarried and my brother was born when I was 8. He was/is a good man, but he could not deal with my father and all that he put us through. In order to keep from killing my father (literally), he chose to leave and he and my mom divorced when my brother was still a baby, and my brother had little to no contact with his father through his childhood as a result. Once again, this super hero I call my mother is the strongest person I know!
I encourage you to guard your heart and always make your daughter your number 1 priority. I hope and pray your fiance is a strong enough man to be able to step back and see that anything he does to intercede your ex will only exacerbate the situation in the worst of ways. Before you and he start a family (if that is in your plans for the future) I encourage you to be sure your relationship with your ex has stabilized to avoid a similar situation to what happened to my mom and brother.
Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you, your daughter, and your fiance for the best life imagineable!!!!
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Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | Scanning the text messages as well as keeping it all documented will help. The best advice my attorney ever gave me was if it wasn't written down, it didn't happen. | |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | None of us know why we are handed the situations we have. Maybe just maybe this (handled the right way) will make your daughter strong beyond compare. Just like Herbie. On down the road wouldn't it be wonderful to hear your daughter talk about you like Herbie does her mom. I had a so so relationship with my ex. It was hard but I always took the high road. And my two children have thanked me also. It is not easy so when you need support just post on here and air it all out. It will make you feel better. But you also need to watch what you say on all social media because he could start stalking you that way. (Just a thought for you).
Big hugs to you lady! | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | Here's a link from facebook of a guy who like your ex and my ex and many many others explains from the ex point of view and how he grew up and what he did about it. Hope the link opens.
https://m.facebook.com/?hrc=1&refsrc=http%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fh... | |
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | It's all about control. Don't let him control your emotions. If you answer his texts, he wins and it makes him feel like a winner in his sick mind.
If he sends you anything other than a pertinent text about your daughter, just answer "thank you for your input. I will take that into consideration."
He'll get the message. | |
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| Again, I can't thank you all enough! Herbie's story is my ultimate goal in the end. To raise a smart, sensitive, goal oriented, morally and ethically based, faithful, good person. Someone who is strong and beautiful as much on the inside as the outside. I cannot do that without being those things myself. I read the Facebook post several times over and thank you for sharing it. I have and continue to try to open myself up to myself as often as it comes to my mind. My mother has always said when you are feeling defensive or dislike someone, the 1st thing you should do is look in the mirror. I take that advice to heart! I have and continue to go through the struggles of being the person I want to raise, and that's not always easy! As the FB post mentioned, I have invited their family to occasions involving my daughter with no success. I introduced my then boyfriend to him as soon as he began to spend significant time with our daughter. I have even invited him to diner and told him it was because I desperately want to get along for all of our sakes. In turn, he asked my mother to diner and tried to manipulate her into saying I was irresponsible and a bad mom. When my mom wouldn't bite, he got up and left her at the table with the bill. To clarify, he thinks I'm irresponsible because I didn't sell all my horses and drop my entire life because 'that's what being a mom is". I disagree with that completely. I want to raise a child who is afraid of nothing, including hard work, when she has a dream. Unfortunately, as someone mentioned earlier, I think he has a mental disorder. I have talked to many counselors, including our marriage counselor, in the aftermath and they agree he shows STRONG anti-social behaviors but remains undiagnosed. I have gotten off social media entirely because he did stock me, my family, and many friends that way. I'm doubtful he will ever change, no matter what. I just need help dealing with it. It is definitely all about control and I very rarely... And that means probably 2-3 times over the last 2 years gone back and forth with him. I had hoped by now he would back off a little but he actually seems to be staying the course. I was sure over time ignoring him completely or responding in a kind but firm way would discourage him. It hasn't. Thank you all again, for lending and ear and sharing. I've had a day full of tears reading these responses, but maybe that's just what I need to refuel. Sometimes I just need to get all those 'toxins' out of my system!
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 448
Location: lone star state | You can only control your actions not his. Focus on your life and let him do what he does. Remember he is the one who is miserable and unhappy. In turn he is trying to put his feelings onto others most likely not just you but coworkers and other family members. Be happy that you are better without his drama. Your child will appreciate you being strong and stable. Enjoy your life. If your child is not with him don't read his messages emails etc. They are not worth the emotional energy unless your child is in his care and you need to communicate regarding her. Make a folder called "psycho" and place them there UNREAD in case you need them for court purposes in the future :) | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I agree with the others, Do not return his texts unless its about your child all the other nosense texts dont resond. It just makes him want to keep on doing the hatefull texts as long as you respond to them, so no need for them, hugs to you | |
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | Herbie - 2015-05-01 10:08 AM He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
I second the advice about not talking bad about her father. My husband and I made a deal when we got together that we would never say anything bad about my exhusband in front of my son. We stuck to it. If he came telling us stories about things his dad said about us (things no kid should hear) we would tell him that we just needed to pray for his dad. We also didn't just let him sit around and talk bad about his dad to try to make us happy if that makes sense. He could have his opinion and we could talk about it, but he wasn't allowed to bash him.
My son does not like his dad, does not want to be around his dad. There are some things that happened that allowed me to take rights completely away from my ex, and have my husband adopt my son. My son hasn't seen his dad in almost 14 months, or talked to him.... he hasn't said 1 word about him other then "I'm glad I don't have to go to his house on the weekends anymore."
My reasoning for the no bad mouthing policy was because I never wanted it to come back that I "brainwashed him" or whatever (Not that I cared what my ex thought, I did it so I didn't push my son right into his arms). My son came home from school one day ( he had a lot of cousins in that school), he said "Mom, Hayley said that my dad is mad because yall lied to me to make me not like him anymore." All I had to say was "Have I ever said anything bad about your dad? Have I told you not to like your dad? Have I ever told you to lie about your dad?" All of his answers were no. I said "Well how did we make you not like him then?" He thought about it and said "Well... you didn't." I didn't have to justify anything, but he figured it out. | |
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Location: Post Falls, ID | Can you change phone # or just block his texts? | |
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Location: Texas | Southtxponygirl - 2015-05-01 1:19 PM I agree with the others, Do not return his texts unless its about your child all the other nosense texts dont resond. It just makes him want to keep on doing the hatefull texts as long as you respond to them, so no need for them, hugs to you
I agree with Rox!
And remember that the way he acts is not your fault! Don't let him manipulate you into thinking your a bad mother or person, because if you were none of this would bother you.
Many prayers, and hugs for you and your daughter. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | pinx05 - 2015-05-01 1:35 PM
Herbie - 2015-05-01 10:08 AM He sounds like my father. I honestly don't know how my mom did it all those years and stayed sane. She moved out of state when I turned 18 to get away from him and his controlling, manipulative ways. In the last 5 years (i'm 37 now), I too have had to discontinue contact with him based on his poor decisions and how it affected me, my husband, and my life. I'd allowed him to have alot of say in how I felt about myself and my life for alot of years and while it stinks to have little to no contact with my father, it has reduced the stress in my life by a ton.
The only advice I can give you is to keep your chin up and keep taking the high road. Don't respond to anything negative he sends, as any response just fuels his fire and lets him know he's gotten to you and bothered you. Only text him with information he needs to know about your daughter (visitation, pick up, drop off, sickness, etc) and don't humor him with any arguing and back and forth of any kind. I can honestly say my mom never let on how bad it really was and never said one bad thing about my father to me. She allowed me to form my thoughts and opinions and feelings about him myself through the years and never said anything to sway me or turn me against him. I thank her for that! After I made the choice to have no more contact, I asked her about the things she dealt with during my child hood and all I can say is that woman is a super hero!!!! She endured more harassment and threatening behavior from him than any one person should ever have to. She's absolutley the strongest person I have ever known and if I am half the woman she is, then I have accomplished something.
Good luck to you. Lean on us here on this board. This will not be an easy road for you, your fiance, or your daughter, but keep your priorities straight and you can make it through this and raise a very smart child. Hugs and prayers!!!!
My son does not like his dad, does not want to be around his dad. There are some things that happened that allowed me to take rights completely away from my ex, and have my husband adopt my son. My son hasn't seen his dad in almost 14 months, or talked to him.... he hasn't said 1 word about him other then "I'm glad I don't have to go to his house on the weekends anymore."
My reasoning for the no bad mouthing policy was because I never wanted it to come back that I "brainwashed him" or whatever (Not that I cared what my ex thought, I did it so I didn't push my son right into his arms). My son came home from school one day ( he had a lot of cousins in that school), he said "Mom, Hayley said that my dad is mad because yall lied to me to make me not like him anymore." All I had to say was "Have I ever said anything bad about your dad? Have I told you not to like your dad? Have I ever told you to lie about your dad?" All of his answers were no. I said "Well how did we make you not like him then?" He thought about it and said "Well... you didn't." I didn't have to justify anything, but he figured it out.
This sounds so much like my situation with my ex husband; it's been almost 8 years and my son (17) has no desire to be around his father (notice I didn't say "daddy"). But it's not because of anything I have said or done. The kids in this scenario are not stupid. Hugs and prayers to the OP and the other moms and kids who have gone thru this.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2015-05-02 1:26 AM
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| I'm pretty adamant about not talking about him in front of her. I'm not saying I haven't slipped up, but we all try very hard to not even THINK about him when she is around. I as well believe if she forms the opinion for herself, that is best! Thank you for the advice about telling her to pray for her dad if she comes home saying the things he says about us. I know she gets uncomfortable there already because she is a very high energy, fun, happy kid; but sometimes she comes home in an almost depressed like state and just wants me to hold her close. It's absolutely heart wrenching. I really wish I could just change my phone number but I'm obligated by the court to supply him with my number. I guess I could just get a new number and keep the one I have strictly for only him... Except then I have to change all my business stuff too! Hugs to all you as well that have or are going through something similar. Nobody deserves to be treated so poorly but unfortunately that's the world we live in anymore it seems. | |
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 Works Hard For The Money
Posts: 4469
Location: Memphis, TN | I haven't read all the responses so sorry if this has been said.
I had issues with my sons birth father being manipulative. He wasn't abusive it just never really was about my son for him it was only about trying to work me over. I finally told him that when he called/texted the conversation was ONLY to be about my son. He was not allowed to ask about me or my personal life. If he tried to ask I would immediately say I am not discussing that with you what would you like to know about our son? I immediately deflected anything that was about me. If he kept persisting I would say do you have anything else you need to discuss about our son because if not I am done with this conversation. As I expected he eventually quit calling all together because I would not discuss my life with him. I ended up having his rights terminated and my husband adopted my son. Absolutely the best thing that has ever happened. You are only obligated to keep him updated on your child. You DO NOT have to be friends with him. Be blunt and do not allow him to take discussions anywhere other than about your child. If he tries to bring feelings into the mix tell him you are sorry he feels that way or you can say you respect his opinion but will not argue or take it further. Ask him if he needs to know anything logistically about your son and that is all to discuss. Honestly you have to be a b!tch. Stand up for yourself. It may be hard at times as you can't help but let emotions- anger, frustration, hurt- come up but choke them down and talk about your child only. I promise you can do it. Hugs. | |
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 How freakish is that?
Posts: 3927
Location: Oregon | A friend of mine had the same problem. There is a website called "Talking Parents" that she went through - it's like a private message board for parents to discuss their children. She only communicated with her ex through this site - no phone calls or texts. It's court approved and they keep transcripts of every conversation. Nothing can be deleted or edited. The transcript can be printed out for court if needed. It's free. https://www.talkingparents.com/
Edited by crapshooter 2015-05-02 1:44 PM
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Waaayyyy OT... Single mom's treated poorly by Ex, please read!!!