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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
  
| So, this morning has been a bit odd.
Back story: My SIL and her husband have been having reproductive issues. They've been trying just about everything, but I don't think they've done Invetro.
This morning, she sent us a text asking us to have a baby and they would raise it!!
My husband and I fully agree that we don't want children. But my SIL does. The answer here is a solid no, but how do you say that gently? I don't want to do it and I honestly don't know if I could handle giving up a child that I had.
Oh, this is so not a good situation, because I don't want hard feelings for the rest of our families existence.
Anyone have any experience?? |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
 
Location: MD | just be honest... she will understand.
ETA: I have NOT been put in that situation.
Edited by Crowned Image 2015-05-09 12:16 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| If you are religious, or spiritual, you can explain it is against your beliefs.
Myself, I would say, I am honoured you asked me, but I cannot do this for you for many personal reasons I will not be discussing with her.
I would then ask if they have thought of adoption
Also I seen an article that in Canada they are manipulating mitochondrial DNA in embryos to have more energy to withstand the process and they are having success with women who IVF did not work for
There are also agencies that specializes in serrogate mothers
There are also sperm/egg banks they can choose either or, and increase the odds of the child being a genius |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Nateracer - 2015-05-09 12:09 PM So, this morning has been a bit odd.
Back story: My SIL and her husband have been having reproductive issues. They've been trying just about everything, but I don't think they've done Invetro.
This morning, she sent us a text asking us to have a baby and they would raise it!!
My husband and I fully agree that we don't want children. But my SIL does. The answer here is a solid no, but how do you say that gently? I don't want to do it and I honestly don't know if I could handle giving up a child that I had.
Oh, this is so not a good situation, because I don't want hard feelings for the rest of our families existence.
Anyone have any experience??
They asked this serious subject by Text? !!!! Gosh things sure have change...
And dont let them guilt you into something that you would not want to do. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Wow, as others have said, I would just be honest, that you don't think you could handle giving up a child. I think this is one of those situations where you just have to hit it head on. Hopefully she is in a place where she can listen and understand. It may be they know the anser will most likely be no but had to at lest give it a shot so there would be no "what if's". My niece has adoted 3 children and we love them just as much as any bioligical child. We brag about how cute and smart they are just like they had our blood running in them :). Is this your husband's brother? I would have him have the conversation with them with you present. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | And Holy Cow is right  |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Southtxponygirl - 2015-05-09 12:22 PM Nateracer - 2015-05-09 12:09 PM So, this morning has been a bit odd.
Back story: My SIL and her husband have been having reproductive issues. They've been trying just about everything, but I don't think they've done Invetro.
This morning, she sent us a text asking us to have a baby and they would raise it!!
My husband and I fully agree that we don't want children. But my SIL does. The answer here is a solid no, but how do you say that gently? I don't want to do it and I honestly don't know if I could handle giving up a child that I had.
Oh, this is so not a good situation, because I don't want hard feelings for the rest of our families existence.
Anyone have any experience?? They asked this serious subject by Text? !!!! Gosh things sure have change...
And dont let them guilt you into something that you would not want to do.
That was my first thought too Roxie- by text??? I aso agree about not guilting you into something you know will not turn out like they hope. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Ridiculous. I wouldn't put any more thought into this than she did her request. A text is the worst possible way to ask something so important. Probably was feeling frustrated and upset, and just shot the text as just a vent more than anything.
I'd ignore it. If she's serious, then she'll come to you both personally as a couple and beg. Then you can explain that kids aren't sweaters or bedroom comforters, to be made and given away.
Print off some adoption information, fertilization clinics info and locations, and support groups for the reproductively challenged, just in case she does hit you up in person. Also be sure to comfort her, and give her a big hug to reassure her of your love. It's really hard on women that want children more than anything not to be able to have one. I really feel for her! |
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The Resident Destroyer of Liberal Logic
Location: PNW | What about THEM making a baby, and you carrying it as a surrogate? My mother did it twice for two different families. |
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Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I think the text was simply because they are very closed off on talking about it.
It is my husband's sister.
Since they aren't real talkative about it, I don't know if the adoption subject has been brought up. That is where I think I'm going to head with suggestions though, after I say no. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Asking you via text is a little more than bizarre. Being honest with them would be the only way to go. Additionally, there are your parents and grandmother to consider. |
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Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| I think it's also she's very sensitive about it because the other sister popped out 2 kids Lickety-split. That sister just had a full hysterectomy, so she's out.
I wouldn't do well with surrogacy either. |
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I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Nateracer - 2015-05-09 1:41 PM
I think it's also she's very sensitive about it because the other sister popped out 2 kids Lickety-split. That sister just had a full hysterectomy, so she's out.
I wouldn't do well with surrogacy either.
I couldn't fathom carrying a baby for 9 months and then up and handing it off immediately after birth with no emotions. then being forced to see it on a regular basis in someone elses arms. that would be heart breaking.
To those that have done it kudos. I would be a mess. |
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 The Color Specialist
Posts: 7530
Location: Washington. (The DRY side.) | Sorry that they are having such a tough time, BUT, if someone sent ME a text like that. I would simply TEXT back, "No". Personally, I can't even believe she had the nerve to ask you that.
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | RacingQH - 2015-05-09 12:58 PM
Sorry that they are having such a tough time, BUT, if someone sent ME a text like that. I would simply TEXT back, "No". Personally, I can't even believe she had the nerve to ask you that.
My text to them would have been a big fat NO too, if they can text asking a question like that I would not have a problem texting NO.. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | rodeomom3 - 2015-05-09 12:27 PM Southtxponygirl - 2015-05-09 12:22 PM Nateracer - 2015-05-09 12:09 PM So, this morning has been a bit odd.
Back story: My SIL and her husband have been having reproductive issues. They've been trying just about everything, but I don't think they've done Invetro.
This morning, she sent us a text asking us to have a baby and they would raise it!!
My husband and I fully agree that we don't want children. But my SIL does. The answer here is a solid no, but how do you say that gently? I don't want to do it and I honestly don't know if I could handle giving up a child that I had.
Oh, this is so not a good situation, because I don't want hard feelings for the rest of our families existence.
Anyone have any experience?? They asked this serious subject by Text? !!!! Gosh things sure have change...
And dont let them guilt you into something that you would not want to do.
I would have about passed out if someone ever texted me a Question like that, thank goodness I dont text, LOL.... |
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Member
Posts: 49
Location: In the saddle enjoying the East Texas sky | A very good friend of mine carried her sisters baby for her as a surrogate because her sister wasn't able to. After she had the baby her sister slowly quit talking to her and as the little girl grew up she quit talking to my friend altogether. I think it was awkward for the biological mom to see the woman who gave birth to her kid around at family gatherings and things. Even though that person was her own flesh in blood. The biological mom passed away this week and now that relationship will never be repaired and almost 20 years where wasted. Just something to think about. I personally could not carry the baby of a family or friend. For me it would risk jeapordizing our future relationship and after seeing the toll it took on my friend I would not want to go through that.
ETA: I would explain that I didn't want to ruin the relationship we have. Or something like that.
Edited by CouchJockey 2015-05-09 1:28 PM
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 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | is it posible she was just testing the waters with the text? If you said yes then great but if you said no are you crazy she could have played it off like a joke. I dont know... just thinking maybe she wanted to ask but needed a way out if you were completely against it. If she asked in person she couldnt pull off the whole just kidding bit. |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | CouchJockey - 2015-05-09 1:20 PM
A very good friend of mine carried her sisters baby for her as a surrogate because her sister wasn't able to. After she had the baby her sister slowly quit talking to her and as the little girl grew up she quit talking to my friend altogether. I think it was awkward for the biological mom to see the woman who gave birth to her kid around at family gatherings and things. Even though that person was her own flesh in blood. The biological mom passed away this week and now that relationship will never be repaired and almost 20 years where wasted. Just something to think about. I personally could not carry the baby of a family or friend. For me it would risk jeapordizing our future relationship and after seeing the toll it took on my friend I would not want to go through that.
ETA: I would explain that I didn't want to ruin the relationship we have. Or something like that.
^^ This was my first thought.... Somewhere down the road this act will cause hard feelings... It has a plethora of possible forks in the road it could take. Most of them you not liking the way the child is being raised. Plus the damage it will do to your body.. |
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 I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | Not something I would be comfortable doing, and I honestly think if I couldn't have my own kids, I would adopt. I have 3 cousins who were adopted, one was adopted when he was 8. He still fit into the family perfectly and everyone treated him like he'd always been part of the family from day 1. He's graduating from high school this year which blows my mind because I swear it was just yesterday that I met him for the first time and he was asking me about my spurs that were on my boots haha
To really answer your question, just a polite no thank you I think would work. Just be like "I'm honored you asked, but I don't think I would be comfortable." |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | rodeomom3 - 2015-05-09 11:24 AM Wow, as others have said, I would just be honest, that you don't think you could handle giving up a child. I think this is one of those situations where you just have to hit it head on. Hopefully she is in a place where she can listen and understand. It may be they know the anser will most likely be no but had to at lest give it a shot so there would be no "what if's". My niece has adoted 3 children and we love them just as much as any bioligical child. We brag about how cute and smart they are just like they had our blood running in them :). Is this your husband's brother? I would have him have the conversation with them with you present.
I always thought that would be the greatest gift to do for someone. I have to have c sections but otherwise have great pregnancies. My head says yes, but my heart says no. I could never give up a baby I carried. I feel so bad for people that can't have children and so greatly deserve them. So many asshats out there not doing anything right by their kids. Sad. |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | I actually considered being a surrogate for my sister years ago as she had some medical stuff going on and after years of trying and doctors, it just wasn't happening. We had long, long talks about the entire situation and since my pregnancies were easy, I considered it a special gift that I could give her. I looked into my insurance, we figured everything out and then by the grace of God she became pregnant... It was amazing that God gave her such a precious gift.
Maybe there is a cousin or some other family member that would be willing. Talk to her, be kind and gentle as she is hurting. And pray... 
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Way OT - Holy Cow Question! o