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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 421
Location: Central Iowa | Over the weekend I had a friend loose her husband to a heart attack at the age of 37. She woke up next to him the next morning and he was gone! They have two wonderful children 8 & 11 and are very involved in the community! I have known her for about 5 years and helped them sell their house and buy a new home just over a year ago! We are a very small close community and I wouldn't say she is a friend that I just stop in and hang out with or go shopping with but we enjoy talking with each other at community events and catching up with each other when we see each other at places!
I know she is just devastated and an emotional wreck thinking about her kids, finances, responsibilities her husband took care of and just loosing her best friend! She is one of the most kind hearted and loving people I know and always puts people before her and goes out of her way to help others! My question to people who have lost spouses unexpectedly or have had friends that have lost spouses what are some good, kind things you can do for them!
I am stopping at grocery store and getting a bunch of food to put in her fridge for her kids to grab and eat and family to grab and munch on but what are some other ideas!! |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
  
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I dont know what you do when something like this happens, but what you are doing now is really sweet, all I can say is just keep doing what you are doing and be there for her. How sad to lose someone so young  |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Some things I've experienced that help along with food, is cleaning their house, mowing their yard, or helping take care of their animals. I feel like this helps them focus on what's really important so they don't have to stress over these unnecessary things in a time of grief. Prayers to her, her family, and you
ETA that taking care of your animals is necessary. I just meant that although it's a priority, it's nice to take it off of their hands so they can focus on other things.
Edited by blccwgl55 2015-06-08 9:52 AM
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1162
Location: White Mountains of AZ | Oh, how tragic!! I'm am so so sorry for their loss. Thank goodness she has a friend like you to help!  |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
 
Location: Kansas | Absolutely heart breaking, I would be a completely devestated if I were in her shoes. Maybe holding a fundraiser for her? |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I have no advice, but my thoughts and prayers are with this young family. I cannot imagine losing my husband like that! Maybe a fundraiser like someone else said? Bless their hearts and yours for trying to help in their time of need! |
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 Country Fried Chicken Gal
Posts: 7697
| Just a thought.... Grab some non-perishable food/snack stuff too. Also, stuff that can be frozen and used later is good too. During this time there will probably be an abundance of food/meals being brought to her house. There is sometimes more than what can be eaten and some will have to be thrown out. My brother passed away last year (he was 42). While it wasn't my spouse, the loss was/is overwhelming. We had tons of food and were so very thankful for all of it, but finding enough room in the fridge to store it all was hard. Also, we just couldn't physically eat it all. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hoofs_in_motion - 2015-06-08 9:56 AM Absolutely heart breaking, I would be a completely devestated if I were in her shoes. Maybe holding a fundraiser for her? ^^^^^ Even though they probably have life insurance, etc., there will be day to day expenses (food, utility bills, loan payments) and unexpected expenses pop up before they receive any money. Not worrying about this, helps take the stress off of a person.
Edited by NJJ 2015-06-08 11:25 AM
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Country Fried Chicken Gal
Posts: 7697
| Oh.. And something that was helpful was one friend brought paper plates, cups, plastic spoons/forks. That was nice because we didn't have to worry about washing dishes/cleaning the kitchen for a while. |
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 Not a Long Term Trail Rider
Posts: 3201
Location: Henryetta, OK | Since several have mentioned the large amounts of food maybe get her a food saver vacuum. I cannot think of what they are called. Help her freeze some of it for later on when the people are gone and she is faced with trying to figure out what to cook. This will really help not to waste so much food.
I like the one who suggested mowing lawn. Get her car washed too. Help her figure out what she will wear and what her children will wear. Make sure it is all washed and pressed.
Prayers for you and her family. |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | Since this just happened Id give her time to grieve although she doesnt need to feel lonely.. does she have family staying with her? Id not smother her or be to overwhelming.. by going there daily or trying to do to much.you mentioned your not real close but are friends... Its all great and apprecaitive but she has to have her family quiet time as well.. maybe in a few weeks the other stuff.. Id make frozen food and take to her. let her know your there for her and call every few days and go by weekly to check on her.. but Id not overwhelm her at this point.. animal care is huge though so maybe offer to do that as well..give her a ear and a shoulder and talk to her if she wants to talk.
Edited by Bibliafarm 2015-06-08 10:31 AM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 794
| I am so sorry to hear this. Just recently lost a family member that was kind of expected. (She had been sick for a long time) but one thing that really helped us was a cousin brought items like paper plates, toilet tissue (for all the family being in one place) napkins, a cooler full of soft drinks and water and flatware. It was by far the best help ever. A friend checked on the horses and cows everyday for like a week again this was so nice to have someone we trusted taking care of those things. One thing that really helped was the friend who helped with the animals didn't just offer but came by and said I am going to take care of this or this. Don't just offer but actually do. |
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 Quarter Horse HIstorian
Posts: 2878
Location: Aubrey, Texas | I am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine the shock of such a thing! I think a fundraiser is a great idea- it would let everyone in the community feel like they can do something to help- ETA: When my cousin was in nursing school, I would make a double batch of homemade spaghetti sauce (I already knew her family liked it) and divide it into 4 gallon freezer baggies. I would take this to her once a month for those days that she just didn't know what to fix for supper. You can also take pkgs. of spaghetti, maybe boxes of jello & canned fruit-
Edited by cloverleaf 2015-06-08 10:52 AM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 393
Location: East Texas | Toilet paper and kleenex and house sit for the family during the furneral that way if anyone shows up there will be someone there to accept anything they might bring or direct them to the funeral home. |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I have no advice. Just wanting to extend my condolences and offer prayers for her. You sound like a sweet friend and I sure would appreciate what you're doing for her. I can't even imagine being in that situation. And so very young... |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 762
Location: NC | Offering condolences
I didnt lose a spouse but I lost my father and my mom lost her husband to a heart attack while shoveling snow. He died in front of us. It was a shock. He literally said oh shoot and was down and gone. Everything was a blur for a good while. The best thing was the edible arrangements we got from a few good friends. Meant we had to eat something. A fundraiser would prob be a good idea. My father didnt have life insurance and it was tough (still is).Cant imagine having 2 younger children. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Also, maybe some coloring books or some little game books to keep the children's minds busy would be nice. Not a bunch of toys or expensive gifts that they might not be interested in, but something hands on to keep them busy especially when they have to sit and wait during funeral arrangements, etc. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 597
| A cheap cooler filled with drinks and ice, paper plates , plastic cups, toilet paper, paper towels. Crayons and markers and coloring books for the kids. One of my best friends lost her husband and their three babies lost their daddy at the age of 29, it was a horrible and heart breaking time. Just be there for her, try to lend a listening ear and remember that it won't just be hard for a while, it's hard for ever. People get back to their lives and then you're left alone, try to call her or text her just to let her know you're thinking of her. Don't let the support dwindle. Like others said feed her animals, run errands for her, ask for her grocery list ang go shopping for her so that she doesn't have to be overwhelmed by people at the store. My sincerest condolences. |
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 I Prefer to Live in Fantasy Land
Posts: 64864
Location: In the Hills of Texas | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 345
| This happen to me 13yrs ago, that is a wonderful thought. The food was overwhelming I had more then me and the kids could eat. The best was when a friend bought pizza and soda and a movie over we talked for hours the kids watch the movie it was a break from my pain and worries for a little while this is what stick in my mind the most. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 823
Location: East Texas | We started telling people that were bringing dinner to make enough for them also and they had to eat dinner with us. It has been awesome getting to visit with those we would normally not have at our house. Also just go sit and talk. Yes, it will be awkward, and no one really knows what to say. Just be there, talk about the weather, the local team, good times, what ever..... they will cry, you will cry, but it all good. |
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 Hate Windows 8
Posts: 2462
Location: Oregon | Be there for them in a couple months when it's quiet and everyone has moved on.
It's been 14 months and the quiet and loneliness is still hard.
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Pre cooked meals that just need to be heated, they will have a lot of food, but try and make things you know they will like, like macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, lasagna, just normal comfort food, or ask the kids their favorite meals and their moms, I don't think it's wrong to ask. The worst is when people bring you something you wouldn't eat or use because it makes you feel bad. Cleaning helps, laundry, cleaning the litter box, pet food, and then maybe rent a movie or the coloring books sounded nice. I think being their for them in a few months will be the nicest, when everything calms down they may still need help.
It also wouldn't hurt to start a gofund me account. Plenty of people have an extra $5, $10, $20, etc. laying around that they save to donate in times like these and i'm sure even if they have life insurance it will help ease her mind. Props to you for being such a sweet friend! |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| This sounds crass but get those kids on social security ASAP. I think the thing that was hardest for me was the empty house after the funeral. Go drop in and check on your friend. If she wants you to stay a little while stay but just having someone check in helps. Take the family out for pizza or something they can all enjoy. It gets pretty lonely at home but I am by myself. One family invited me for their Christmas which was a few days early. I am forever greatful for that. Don and Deb Wasson invited me to their son's graduation party. That was wonderful. The point is don't let your friend sit at home and feel sorry for herself and be lonely,make her get out with friends.
This is what helped me most. |
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | My first husband, the father of my children died in a accident when they were very young. I can tell you, the hardest part is AFTER the funeral and everybody goes home. At first she will be surrounded by family and they will be helping her make arrangements. Helping with food at this time is good and I would call often, or go by and keep asking what you can do to help. Afterwards though, thats when it all really starts to set in, the loneliness, helplessness, feeling lost, and dealing with the day to day struggles alone are really tuff. Thats when you really need to be there for her. Help her, and take her out. OFTEN!! Go to lunch, go shopping, the movies, ect ect. Thats when she will really need friends and distraction and help. |
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 Hawty & Nawty
Posts: 20424
| This is heartbreaking to read and think about. Prayers to them and thank you for helping. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | CrossDRanch - 2015-06-08 7:40 PM We started telling people that were bringing dinner to make enough for them also and they had to eat dinner with us. It has been awesome getting to visit with those we would normally not have at our house. Also just go sit and talk. Yes, it will be awkward, and no one really knows what to say. Just be there, talk about the weather, the local team, good times, what ever..... they will cry, you will cry, but it all good.
How are you doing? I think of you offten  |
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 Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | Don't forget her later on, people usually do lots of nice things in the begining when someone experiences loss then within a few weeks act like they should be back to normal. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about her loss anytime.
Don't tell her to "let me know if there is anything I can do to help" because people never will, you have to just act or ask her what can I do to help you right now. Maybe keep her husbands birthday, hers and her kids in mind and holidays for the next few years and let her know you're thinking about her. It's very kind what you've done already and I bet it's very much appreciated. It's the kindness and thougth that really count.
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | |
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Location: Stephenville, Texas | Gift cards! After the food runs out they are so handy to go grab a bite. Maybe offer to help car pool the kids. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 407
| This happened to me about 5yrs ago. I can tell you that everyone wants to help right away and bring food which is nice and helpful. They also wanted to take care of my animals. That is the only thing that kept me sane was doing the stuff I always do. I would suggest helping with things that she is not used to doing. Things her husband use to do. Also be there for them in about 2 months when all the others have moved on with their lives and they are left alone. That was the worst. Saying a prayer for this family because I know it will be difficult but life will go on whether we want it to or not. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 823
Location: East Texas | Southtxponygirl - 2015-06-09 2:18 PM
CrossDRanch - 2015-06-08 7:40 PM We started telling people that were bringing dinner to make enough for them also and they had to eat dinner with us. It has been awesome getting to visit with those we would normally not have at our house. Also just go sit and talk. Yes, it will be awkward, and no one really knows what to say. Just be there, talk about the weather, the local team, good times, what ever..... they will cry, you will cry, but it all good.
How are you doing? I think of you offten
Thank you for asking. We are doing as well or better than expected. Staying busy helps. Our daughter is riding a good bit right now. She is also riding drill this summer. All of our "vacations" were trips to rodeos and baseball tourneys.... well, we are actually going to take a few actual vacations this summer. My son had already talked his aunt into taking him to Cheyenne this summer. So that is also a trip we are going to take.
Edited by CrossDRanch 2015-06-10 5:05 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 823
Location: East Texas | outrundaizy - 2015-06-08 11:54 PM
Pre cooked meals that just need to be heated, they will have a lot of food, but try and make things you know they will like, like macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, lasagna, just normal comfort food, or ask the kids their favorite meals and their moms, I don't think it's wrong to ask. The worst is when people bring you something you wouldn't eat or use because it makes you feel bad. Cleaning helps, laundry, cleaning the litter box, pet food, and then maybe rent a movie or the coloring books sounded nice. I think being their for them in a few months will be the nicest, when everything calms down they may still need help.
It also wouldn't hurt to start a gofund me account. Plenty of people have an extra $5, $10, $20, etc. laying around that they save to donate in times like these and i'm sure even if they have life insurance it will help ease her mind. Props to you for being such a sweet friend!
giving money is great, and go fund accts work great especially for those that live off. Someone did this for us to establish a scholarship fund. But if possible give, mail, etc. the money directly to the person so you don't lose the 8% or so that go fund takes out. |
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Loosing a spouse unexpectedly