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| What do you do when you know someone's happy but you want something else for them? I live about three hours from "home" where I'm going to school (I live in WV). We moved there when I was younger when my mom got married. Fast forward to 2012 and things went downhill for them and they got a divorce which was good. I dealt with not having a relationship with my ex-step father anymore and am currently over it. Now she met someone who treats her like a queen about a year and a half ago or so and she moved to Virginia (4-5 hours from me and from "home"). At first it was just long stays but now she doesn't come home very often, and I never do either because I don't have many ties down there (except for my sister living down there separately with her boyfriend so we visit sometimes) and our house is for sale. I could honestly care less about that place. I have a few friends and my sister that I love, some good memories, and that's about it so regardless I just don't go "home" very much. I'm so happy that my mom found someone that cares about her but I'm also missing her and kind of upset that she lives so far now. My parents are divorced and my dad lives about 3 hours from me (6 hours from "home") as well, and I've moved around 17 times in my life so I should be used to the distance between us all...but I just miss everyone. And I'm not gonna lie I feel jealous and bitter that she's moved so far and is with a different family. I don't want to make her feel bad because she's happy but it makes me sad at the same time. I want to add that although there's been a lot of rough patches mainly because of divorce, individually my parents would do anything for me and my sister and they love us very much. I'm a young adult now and have to face that it's life but at the same time I feel just blah about the whole situation. What would you do? Am I being selfish? I'm really not trying to be 
ETA: I hope that all makes sense and I'm not rambling and not making sense! Lol
Edited by blccwgl55 2015-07-15 11:56 AM
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
 
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | 4-5 hours isn't that far to drive to visit with your mom.
Edited by total performance 2015-07-15 1:30 PM
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | If you rarely go home anyway, why do you care if she's there or not? 4-5 hours is no big deal for a weekend trip if you want to go see her. Just get in the car and drive it. Honestly, you need to get over it. She isn't THAT far away from you. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Well when you're in college it's kind of hard to constantly drive to her. But you're probably right. I don't go home anymore because she's not there as well. I guess it's just hard to meet up anymore because she lives farther and seems to have a separate life. I'll quit b**chin though, I'm just a little bitter..lol
Edited by blccwgl55 2015-07-15 12:18 PM
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Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | Just make a wknd trip - I went to college 4 hours from home. It doesn't get any easier after you graduate and get a regular job, it gets tougher if anything. I currently live 7-1/2 from home and I've made it on several occasions on a wknd. |
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Location: mi | You nailed it, in the fact that you are a young adult and need to just realize its time for you to make your own life. That being said I have driven 5.5 hours one way to go ride my horse for an hour while it is at the trainers and turned around and drove 5.5 hours back home. so for you to take a weekend and go see your mom at her new home should NOT be a big deal.
And maybe give your mom or your sister a call if you can only visit for a day and see if they can meet up with you at a half way point and go shopping and maybe lunch and just spend the day together. If you want to see them put forth the effort to just do it. The distance you are talking about is just nothing that should keep you from them every now and then.
edited to add that if you are making an effort to get home and see them with prior notice and they are not making any effort to fit you into their lives once in awhile then maybe you can do some whining. :)
Edited by ajs2002 2015-07-15 12:55 PM
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Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | blccwgl55 - 2015-07-15 12:13 PM Well when you're in college it's kind of hard to constantly drive to her. But you're probably right. I don't go home anymore because she's not there as well. I guess it's just hard to meet up anymore because she lives farther and seems to have a separate life. I'll quit b**chin though, I'm just a little bitter..lol
She has a new home now. Make an effort to contact her and set up something for a weekend. |
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Elite Veteran
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Location: Idahome | I agree with the others, it is not that far of a drive. I went to a college that was an 18 hour drive from my family. Sometimes it was rough, but we talked on the phone a lot and I got to go home for the holidays. I am not living about a 6 hour drive from them and still don't see them as often as I would like, but we Skype. My inlaws are a 24 hour drive from us now and only get to see them a couple of times a year. Don't fret as it could be much worse, just be happy that it is a somewhat short drive away for a weekend visit. |
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 Elite Veteran
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Location: KS | The first few visit will seem like forever, but after awhile it doesn't seem that far of a drive. I live 3-3.5 hours away from my mom , dad and sister. I use to drive every weekend or every other weekend to visit them. & every mile was worth it. Hope this helps. |
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Expert
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| It's not the drive that really bothers me, it's some other things. But you all are probably right, thanks for the replies. |
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Extreme Veteran
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Location: Somewhere in the middle of nowhere | I'm going to have you look at this from a different perspective....I am a divorced parent, I do for my kids and I have put a lot of things I would like to do on hold until they are older or out on their own. There have been times money has been in very short supply and yet my kids still get to take that school trip, have money for that meal or shoes for that sport. And I am afraid that my kids will be jealous or bitter when I am able to take that time but don't you think she has earned it? It seems from your post that your mom has given you 100% before her moving, can you help her out and give some of you? This isn't to make you mad or anything but look at what she has done for you and now that you are older, respect her and return the favor. |
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Location: on my horse | blccwgl55 - 2015-07-15 1:29 PM
It's not the drive that really bothers me, it's some other things. But you all are probably right, thanks for the replies.
I think I kind of understand where you're coming from. You want your mom and its almost like she's moved on in some ways so you don't have the same type of relationship and connection that you used to. We never stop wanting our mamas and the distance and new family makes it even harder to deal with. I don't think you're being selfish because you want her to be happy, you just want some mom time and attention and to feel part of her life.
If I were you I would have a conversation with your mama and just lay your heart out to her like you did in your post and ask her if you guys could have some one on one phone time or a monthly just mother daughter visit together that way you're not asking her to uproot her newfound happiness but you're still getting the relationship that you need with her. That would be something doable and hopefully would help your feelings. |
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 Morale Booster!!
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| I hear what you are saying. My mom has always been there for us.. Her and my dad got divorced almost 15 years ago. They both lived in the same town. We all did. Me, my 2 sisters and my brother. We still got together for birthdays and any other family function. Mind you, we used to get together every Sunday for dinner. That slowly stopped and we all had families that were growing and got busy. We still got together for birthdays and holidays and sometimes Sunday dinner. Now, my mom has remarried. The man does not like me, would not let me come to the wedding and moved my mom 2 hours from home. (Yes, I know that isnt far) She comes here one day a week to work. (she is a hairdresser) she can not stay usually for dinner because he expects her home. So neeless to say, I also feel I have lost my mom. When I call her, she has to call me back when she is not at home becuase he gets angry when she isnt spending every minute with him. Its hard when you feel you have "lost" your mom.. At least you are happy for her and she is with someone that cares about her. Be glad that he will let you still be a part of your moms life. Go home, go see your mom and give her the biggest hug ever! I wish I could do that!! |
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Expert
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| I do think she deserves it. I see what you're saying but it's not like I've purposely held her back from doing things. I've moved with her when she's wanted to move, I've liked or put up with the SO's she's had. I see what you're saying and that's why I'm trying to be understanding cause she's a grown woman and I want her to be happy. I just can't help but feel replaced for some reason. This is going to sound very immature but I'm bitter that her boyfriend and his kids get to enjoy her more than me and see her all the time.I know my sister feels the same too. I shouldn't even say that but I'm going to cause I'm tryin to vent. I'm trying to be happy for her but I'm upset at the same time. I think that you're right that I should probably just tell her how I feel but I don't want it to stress her out and make her new relationship strained ya know? I'm not trying to sound like poor me, I'm just venting and am trying to figure out how to address it but not screw things up..ughhh it's one of those days for me that call for a big fat milkshake and a good cry  |
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Expert
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Location: on my horse | blccwgl55 - 2015-07-15 3:11 PM
I do think she deserves it. I see what you're saying but it's not like I've purposely held her back from doing things. I've moved with her when she's wanted to move, I've liked or put up with the SO's she's had. I see what you're saying and that's why I'm trying to be understanding cause she's a grown woman and I want her to be happy. I just can't help but feel replaced for some reason. This is going to sound very immature but I'm bitter that her boyfriend and his kids get to enjoy her more than me and see her all the time.I know my sister feels the same too. I shouldn't even say that but I'm going to cause I'm tryin to vent. I'm trying to be happy for her but I'm upset at the same time. I think that you're right that I should probably just tell her how I feel but I don't want it to stress her out and make her new relationship strained ya know? I'm not trying to sound like poor me, I'm just venting and am trying to figure out how to address it but not screw things up..ughhh it's one of those days for me that call for a big fat milkshake and a good cry
I don't think that by telling her how you feel as long as you stress that you want her to be happy will stress or strain anything for her. Part of being a mom I think is to listen to your kids no matter how big they are. If you just stick to "I" statements and request some mother daughter time whether or not its on the phone on Skype or in person I would bet she would be more than willing to listen to you. She sounds like she loves you very much and I would bet that she would want to know how you're feeling! here's some cyber hugs for you  You strike me as the type of person who will handle the situation with tact and therefore I wouldn't worry at all a bout screwing things up, there's truly only beneficial things to come from having this talk with her.
One last piece of advice for whatever it's worth (not much) the longer you wait before talking to her the more your feelings will build up toward resentment which makes a good talk harder to have. You're in a tough situation, nobody wants to feel like their mama is distant or busy all the time. Reach out!
ETA: I still believe that you're not being selfish or limiting her in any way by having a conversation with her or requesting more time.
Edited by redmansmyman11 2015-07-15 4:21 PM
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  Warmblood with Wings
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Location: Florida.. | Communication.. talk to her about you making weekend trips and she the same.. make a effort .. you both have to .call her and ask her how her day was , stay present in her life even far away. .  |
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 The Vaccinator
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Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Why not speak with you mom and sister about making plans for a family get-together. It does not have to be anything elaborate or expensive - and a weekend is fine. Perhaps a backyard cook-out with everyone - time to be together and visit... maybe rent some fun movies to share together that evening with popcorn, etc. Let your mom know you miss being together as a family and would like to get everyone together and plan to get together on a regular basis several times a year to celebrate "family" and remain connected - that you worry about everyone drifting apart -- you could do this first one at her new home and meet some of folks there. Don't just sit and simmer about this - do something to make the situation better.... good luck to you!! |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| blccwgl55 - 2015-07-15 4:11 PM
I do think she deserves it. I see what you're saying but it's not like I've purposely held her back from doing things. I've moved with her when she's wanted to move, I've liked or put up with the SO's she's had. I see what you're saying and that's why I'm trying to be understanding cause she's a grown woman and I want her to be happy. I just can't help but feel replaced for some reason. This is going to sound very immature but I'm bitter that her boyfriend and his kids get to enjoy her more than me and see her all the time.I know my sister feels the same too. I shouldn't even say that but I'm going to cause I'm tryin to vent. I'm trying to be happy for her but I'm upset at the same time. I think that you're right that I should probably just tell her how I feel but I don't want it to stress her out and make her new relationship strained ya know? I'm not trying to sound like poor me, I'm just venting and am trying to figure out how to address it but not screw things up..ughhh it's one of those days for me that call for a big fat milkshake and a good cry
Before you tell your mom your feelings,
PLEASE seek professional help
What you have posted here will be like twisting a knife in her heart, you need a professional to help you deal with your own emotions. |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | redmansmyman11 - 2015-07-15 4:20 PM
blccwgl55 - 2015-07-15 3:11 PM
I do think she deserves it. I see what you're saying but it's not like I've purposely held her back from doing things. I've moved with her when she's wanted to move, I've liked or put up with the SO's she's had. I see what you're saying and that's why I'm trying to be understanding cause she's a grown woman and I want her to be happy. I just can't help but feel replaced for some reason. This is going to sound very immature but I'm bitter that her boyfriend and his kids get to enjoy her more than me and see her all the time.I know my sister feels the same too. I shouldn't even say that but I'm going to cause I'm tryin to vent. I'm trying to be happy for her but I'm upset at the same time. I think that you're right that I should probably just tell her how I feel but I don't want it to stress her out and make her new relationship strained ya know? I'm not trying to sound like poor me, I'm just venting and am trying to figure out how to address it but not screw things up..ughhh it's one of those days for me that call for a big fat milkshake and a good cry
I don't think that by telling her how you feel as long as you stress that you want her to be happy will stress or strain anything for her. Part of being a mom I think is to listen to your kids no matter how big they are. If you just stick to "I" statements and request some mother daughter time whether or not its on the phone on Skype or in person I would bet she would be more than willing to listen to you. She sounds like she loves you very much and I would bet that she would want to know how you're feeling! here's some cyber hugs for you You strike me as the type of person who will handle the situation with tact and therefore I wouldn't worry at all a bout screwing things up, there's truly only beneficial things to come from having this talk with her.
One last piece of advice for whatever it's worth (not much ) the longer you wait before talking to her the more your feelings will build up toward resentment which makes a good talk harder to have. You're in a tough situation, nobody wants to feel like their mama is distant or busy all the time. Reach out!
ETA: I still believe that you're not being selfish or limiting her in any way by having a conversation with her or requesting more time.
I'm with Redman----talk to her with your heart and I bet y'all can come to a happy medium. She may miss you as much as you do her but not want to intrude on your "grown up" life and make you feel bad----same way you're thinking about her. Wishing you the best of luck----I know how badly I'd miss my momma if I was in your place. |
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Expert
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| Thank you everyone! I appreciate your thoughts and advice. I'm going to talk to her more this weekend. I'm also starting to realize there's not a whole whole lot I can do since we all live far other than make plans to meet up whenever we can. I'll just have to accept it. It's not like I've not been out and about myself a lot and care about the distance physically as much as I care about the distance emotionally. Hopefully I can stop feeling so much grief about this. I've been to a counselor before (offered free through our school) but I don't always like their attitude there. They want to help but it's more like "let's see what we can do so you don't have to come back again" and I don't really like that. I want to go so we can move forward but also so I have a place to vent and they seem to want to shoo you out of there. I might end up having to pay if I want something like that. We're going to the beach soon and when I can get her alone I'm going to tell her about how I feel. Thanks everyone! (I'd put the hugging emoticon but I can't find it. Lol) |
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 Expert
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Location: Gainesville, TX | Just a thought. When I moved farther from home (was a good 7-8 hours away), I couldn't really afford the drive more than a couple times a year. So I set aside a time for each family member on Sunday afternoon. I would call everyone every Sunday, at exactly the same time, and talk for 15 min to 1 hour (depended on the family member). I actually got told by my grandparents and parents how much they appreciated this. I was always connected to them and they knew when to expect my call. They actually worried if I was a few minutes late. This let me feel connected to them in a predictable way and I felt much less lonely or neglected. But I made the effort; I didn't wait around for them to do it. Sometimes they would actually call me on their own on Sundays, lol. My mamo told me it was the highlight of her Sundays before she passed. Just a thought. |
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Family advice.