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Posts: 1304
 
| Jeez I feel in a predicament...I'm not one for drama and am trying to avoid it at all costs but am not sure what to do. I have a friend (long term, friends for 12 years) and we now have an apartment together. Bet you can see what path this is gonna take..anyways. Love her to death, more of a sisterly relationship than just any old friend. She's very blunt, sometimes needed but most of the time not. She's mature in the responsibility fact like paying her bills, independent, etc but I do believe she's immature in other aspects. She's too blunt, can be rude, creates a lot of drama for herself, etc. I love her anyways but have noticed those things about her. Most of the time I shake it off or will kindly but assertively say something defending myself. But now with living together I feel trapped. She shoots me dirty looks, is nasty, and rude if I leave to see my boyfriend or do anything probably that she doesn't like. Funny thing is is she kinda set me up with him and likes him one day and the next does not. They weren't friends, just acquaintances really before. I try to just keep her separated because I just don't like to hear her s**t about him and don't want to give her any kind of ammo. Let me also add that I've had a crappy boyfriend in the past and now I just feel like she doesn't like anyone I like because this guy is just awesome. Now I'm seeing that she's talking to her other friends and some of our friends about me and what she thinks of my boyfriend and I'm not ok with it. And she's talked about me with other unrelated things too. Most of them don't know me very well or at all and I'm just not ok with this. It hurts my feelings but mainly makes me mad because I feel like she's trying to spark this drama. She goes home every weekend and when she did have a boyfriend she really liked she basically lived with him so I don't see what the difference is and I think she's being very hypocritical. If we made plans to hang out it's one thing but it's not like I'm blowing her off. I'm living my life like I did in my own apartment and don't want to change it. I'm starting to feel like I'm walking on egg shells and bad for leaving. When it comes down to it I want her to realize we're growing up. I'm a senior in college (she's a junior), she pays her own bills and I pay almost all of mine (and am working on paying them all as my mom pays my cell phone and car insurance at the moment), and I'm going to be getting a big girl job when I graduate in May and it's OK to have a separate life. I don't know if she's jealous or wants us to have a girls day or freaking slumber party everyday but that's just unrealistic. This drama has me stressed out and I don't have time for it. I just don't function with all of this negativity. To me it's pointless and gives me anxiety. And I'm not about to cause drama because that is just not me, but how do I go about this? I've been trying to ignore it but it seems very unfair to me that I'm starting to feel bad. What would you do? I'm thinking she may be jealous...I really don't know. Mind you, there's some obstacles because we now live together until May.
Edited to fix a spelling mistake!
Edited by blccwgl55 2015-09-09 11:03 PM
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| You are being manipulated by your roommate sending you on a guilt trip. Hike up your big girl panties and just wade thru the drama while concentrating on what you need to do to finish college with flying colors ...
Company HR interviewers pay close attention to your senior year to see how motivated you were or if you turned into a slacker and just coasted ... so close your door and get your studying done and enjoy your weekends with her gone ...
Best friends are made while in school or the military when no one has any money .. lol
As a working adult you will find that your best friends live across town and not next door where they can become jealous or annoying ...
KEEP SMILING AND LOOK FORWARD TO PUTTING ON YOUR SQUARE HAT AND RIDING AWAY INTO THE SUNSET ... lol ...
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you! You're right! I won't let anyone let me do poorly, no doubt about that. I don't strangers run on top of me but I do with friends because I obviously don't want drama with them or want to hurt their feelings. Ugh! I'm just gonna keep on truckin  |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| Honestly, she doesn't sound like a friend. She sounds like a jealous teenager and a bully. |
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  Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | I don't mean this as mean or harsh....but YOU need to "grow up".....by that, I mean that you are the only one who controls your emotions and feelings. Life isn't always sunshine and butterflies. Take a good hard look at your friend and then decide that she is NOT going to control you or your thoughts and actions. Go about your business and Good Luck........... |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1079
| can two girl friends ever live together and come out the other side unscathed? in my experience, no.
She should mind her own business. You shouldn't let it bother you. Trouble is, she isn't and you are.
Hugs. |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Take this experience as a learning experience.
When you get a real job you may experience similar behaviour from colleagues. Some may talk behind your back about your personality or job performance. Some people will spread lies about your job performance.
Only you can control your emotions or behaviour, you need to decide if you will allow people to talk about you. Or are you the person who will be proactive and try to clear the air |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | she is going to keep this up as long as you let her. |
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Hungarian Midget Woman
Location: Midwest | Move |
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| Now I can be a bit skeptical, whenever I read these posts, I know there are 3 sides to the story. Hers, yours and the truth somewhere in the middle.
As one of the only single people in my friends group at this moment... I HATE HATE HATE it when people assume an issue is jealousy related just because the person is single. If she truly is your friend, she is going to love to see you happy. Thats how I feel about my friends. However, it is a hard realization when you are the single one and your friends start cancelling plans, blowing you off, and you simply start drifting apart. This could easily be what is going on. Its scary feeling being left behind and if you are as close as you think you are... theres a good chance this behavior isnt out of hate/drama/intentional/etc but more her grasping at straws and upset she's losing you.
Take a hard look at yourself and consider that not everyone wants to be you, have what you have... sometimes they just miss you and their emotions come wrong.
Now there is a chance she is "jealous" of the lack of time you spend with her and the increased time you spend with him but I also feel that is something you need to be understanding of. Not that her behavior is accepable and you need to nip that in the butt, but also understand it is hard to see your friends slip away.
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| I'm not trying to let her control my emotions but I'm not gonna lie, it's hard when we live together. I've dealt with way worse before, but I guess it feels different because she's my friend. I understand what you're saying, to the last poster, but I don't feel she's necessarily jealous of me but I guess I should've clarofied that. Im not stuck up or think I'm so great. She also has a boyfriend but things are rocky with them right now. I'm here for her, we spend time together when we can, but I feel that she takes things out on people when she's upset or she simply likes drama and talking to her friends about it and putting it on Facebook. She could very well be upset that I'm spending time with my boyfriend but for example, we spent almost the whole day together yesterday. We then did our own things, studying and things, but when she was watching a movie and I wanted to go to bed I decided to go drive to stay with my boyfriend. She gave me a very *****y glare and was just nasty with her response and I don't know why? I'm an adult and can do as I please and we weren't doing anything together to begin with Ya know? I don't wanna be petty. I know it takes two but I don't feel like I'm neglecting her so I don't know why she lashes out like she does. Counseling has always helped me and is free at my school so I may do that so I can vent a little and have an easier time dealing with it. I'm tryin not to let it get to me but I don't want it to ruin our friendship by ignoring it and letting it fester. This is definitely a learning experience and I just won't mix these big life decisions (like living arrangements) and friendships. I appreciate the advice and thoughts everyone! |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| But thanks guys, I'll take what you all said and think on it! I appreciate the responses. I'll keep on keepin on |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Clarified* I can't type well on my phone. Lol |
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Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| stayceem - 2015-09-10 10:41 AM
Now I can be a bit skeptical, whenever I read these posts, I know there are 3 sides to the story. Hers, yours and the truth somewhere in the middle.
As one of the only single people in my friends group at this moment... I HATE HATE HATE it when people assume an issue is jealousy related just because the person is single. If she truly is your friend, she is going to love to see you happy. Thats how I feel about my friends. However, it is a hard realization when you are the single one and your friends start cancelling plans, blowing you off, and you simply start drifting apart. This could easily be what is going on. Its scary feeling being left behind and if you are as close as you think you are... theres a good chance this behavior isnt out of hate/drama/intentional/etc but more her grasping at straws and upset she's losing you.
Take a hard look at yourself and consider that not everyone wants to be you, have what you have... sometimes they just miss you and their emotions come wrong.
Now there is a chance she is "jealous" of the lack of time you spend with her and the increased time you spend with him but I also feel that is something you need to be understanding of. Not that her behavior is accepable and you need to nip that in the butt, but also understand it is hard to see your friends slip away.
I have always been the single one among my friends/family (sister). Yeah, it sucked... until I realized that their worlds did not revolve around me and that I would have to be responsible for my own emotions. The only time I acted like the OP's friend was when I was being a jealous child. |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | No more truthfull words that have been spoken.
I think that Staycreem is problably pretty close to what is going on. Maybe not totally. I didn't get married till I was 25 and most of my friends had been married for 3 years or more and had kids and it felt like I was being left out.
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Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| Just Plain Lucky - 2015-09-10 10:40 AM
stayceem - 2015-09-10 10:41 AM
Now I can be a bit skeptical, whenever I read these posts, I know there are 3 sides to the story. Hers, yours and the truth somewhere in the middle.
As one of the only single people in my friends group at this moment... I HATE HATE HATE it when people assume an issue is jealousy related just because the person is single. If she truly is your friend, she is going to love to see you happy. Thats how I feel about my friends. However, it is a hard realization when you are the single one and your friends start cancelling plans, blowing you off, and you simply start drifting apart. This could easily be what is going on. Its scary feeling being left behind and if you are as close as you think you are... theres a good chance this behavior isnt out of hate/drama/intentional/etc but more her grasping at straws and upset she's losing you.
Take a hard look at yourself and consider that not everyone wants to be you, have what you have... sometimes they just miss you and their emotions come wrong.
Now there is a chance she is "jealous" of the lack of time you spend with her and the increased time you spend with him but I also feel that is something you need to be understanding of. Not that her behavior is accepable and you need to nip that in the butt, but also understand it is hard to see your friends slip away.
I have always been the single one among my friends/family (sister). Yeah, it sucked... until I realized that their worlds did not revolve around me and that I would have to be responsible for my own emotions. The only time I acted like the OP's friend was when I was being a jealous child.
And in no way am i implying that their worlds need to revolve around her but I am saying that she could be having a hard time dealing with those changes in a friendship. Its part of growing up, people having their own lives, it takes some adjusting and maybe she isnt coping well. And her behavior isnt right by talking **** to her friends and such but its just a possible explanation to her behavior. But if her friend has a bf, I dont necessarily think thats the situation anyway. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1367
Location: mi | You need to respond to her directly when she says things or even just gives you what you consider a nasty look. Stop what you are doing and ask her if there is something bothering her? Or what does that mean? or....... Not in a nasty confrontational way but an honest to goodness I want to know what you are thinking or meaning way. If you don't this will fester and your friendship will end.
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Tried and True
Posts: 21185
Location: Where I am happiest | ajs2002 - 2015-09-10 11:42 AM You need to respond to her directly when she says things or even just gives you what you consider a nasty look. Stop what you are doing and ask her if there is something bothering her? Or what does that mean? or....... Not in a nasty confrontational way but an honest to goodness I want to know what you are thinking or meaning way. If you don't this will fester and your friendship will end.
^^ This ^^ We teach people how to treat us. If you ignore it, and walk on egg shells like you said it will never get better, only worse. She also may not really realize what she does and how it makes you feel. Dont be accusotory or confrontational, just kindly honest. If it doesnt get better, then you have to save yourself and make other living arrangements. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | I would just ask her when she gives you the nasty look, Do you not want me to go? What was the look for? Everything ok?
You shouldn't change what you want for her, but consider her feelings, maybe she doesn't want to be home alone?!? IDK, I don't know the actually situation, but I know how you feel when you don't want drama. Im the same way, I will completely befriend someone whose world revolves around drama. Life is to short to deal with things that cause you stress that's not necessary. I lived in 3 different houses while in college, and I can say I got tired of all my roommates before the year was over and I wasn't home much. I colleged rodeoed and I drove home a lot after my first year, you can make it til May, but I would definitely just be open and honest with her, if you do it in a respectful way I think it will save your friendship. And just so you know there will always be someone in or was in your life like this, someone that makes up things about you, your family, your boyfriend, his family. I solved mine by breaking all ties. If I have a problem with someone and its directly affecting me or my family, I confront them and then its dropped. And I feel so much better about it, key is to be respectful, but to still get the point across. And if comes down to it you cant get along, then be civil with one another, I hate for you to loose a close friend, but you will feel better about yourself and life if you font have the negativity in it. Honestly in another 5-10 years you will probably have closer friends. I've been out of college 5yrs now, Im close to one of my college friends, the rest are sister inlaws and a gal I work with. You wont always have the same friends in life. I chose to stay close to family (3 brothers) best kind of friends to have.
I talk to God a lot too. :)
Good Luck.
Edited by Peewee212 2015-09-10 1:41 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thanks everyone! Next time it happens I'll have to ask her what's bothering her. It may be a tough conversation because she thinks she's completely right sometimes but we'll see! I can stay very calm as long as the other person does so as well. Thanks guys! |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| I've been trying to talk to God to as that makes me feel better as well :) |
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Very very OT..but need some friendship advice.