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 Expert
Posts: 1432
  
Location: Never in one place long | What do you do when your parent is acting like a child!? My siblings who live nearby have said they basically disowned my Mom as they are tired of the way she is acting... for about a year now she has been acting irresponsibly, drinking too much, taking WAY more than enough xanax, sleeping odd hours of the day, not going to work, not being responsible watching my niece and nephew and just acting like a baby! She loves to dance and goes out dancing 3-4 times a week, always meeting different men and saying she "found the one" then they disappear and I have to hear ALL about it. I think it all snowballed when her friend died about a month ago, then her dog...I know she is depressed and lonely but nothing we seem to do helps, everyone goes through hardships in life but she's always in a "poor me" mode. We take her pills away, she just goes to her doctor and gets more pills and buys more alcohol. Since I don't live at home, I really have no control. When I talk to her, she lies, she lies to my siblings, her text messages make absolutely no sense half the time. I don't know who to believe or how to even help her at this point... can you legally get your parent checked into a mental facility?? Help! | |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | Nothing you do is going to make any difference - sadly - it's her life and she can live it however she wants. It's tough to watch a loved one spiral downhill, but you're not going to be able to change anything. How is she paying her bills? | |
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 Regular
Posts: 58
Location: Pa | MS2011 - 2015-10-08 9:51 AM
Nothing you do is going to make any difference - sadly - it's her life and she can live it however she wants. It's tough to watch a loved one spiral downhill, but you're not going to be able to change anything. How is she paying her bills?
Agreed.. Unfortunately there isn't anything.. She's going to do what she eats to do and that's it. She obviously wants attention so maybe try not giving it to her. I know it's hard when you care so much.. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| My question is why is the doctor giving her more pills when she goes back? Doesn't he realize that she is asking for refills too soon? Can you go to the doctor with her and explain that she is drinking and taking the pills and you are worried about her? I am sooo sorry you are going through this. I hope your mom can pull herself back up soon. Hugs to you.  | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Mine don't do drugs or drink alcohol. (Dodged that bullet!). But when you figure out what to do with irrational senior citizens making decisions and actions more worthy of 17 year olds, please let me know. I've been wondering the same thing about mental institutions. | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| You can discuss with her doctor and see if he will commit her.
Where I live a doctor or police officer can commit an individual who is mentally unstable and is a threat to themselves or intend to do harm to someone else.
The other thing you can do is when she is out drinking and you are aware, call the police and have her arrested, if she is driving. Then hopefully when she is in custody drug and alcohol treatment can be a condition of her sentence. | |
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 Night Watchman
Posts: 5516
Location: Central Montana | My mom had a personality change ..... My sister and I can't quite put my finger on when it started but it has been a year and a half or more......a few months ago she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and it had metasticized to her brain. I have really gotten to the point where I hate being anywhere near the hosptial and wonder if the dr.'s ever know what they are doing.
She quit smoking over 20 years ago and I fully expected to have my mom around for another 20-25 years (she is in her 60's, my twins sister and I are in our mid/late 30's).......
Sometimes there is more going on that what we can see, that is for sure, hopefully your mom has a good doctor that can figure it out.... | |
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  Roan Wonder
Location: SW MO | GoinJettin - 2015-10-08 10:03 AM
My mom had a personality change ..... My sister and I can't quite put my finger on when it started but it has been a year and a half or more......a few months ago she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and it had metasticized to her brain. I have really gotten to the point where I hate being anywhere near the hosptial and wonder if the dr.'s ever know what they are doing.
She quit smoking over 20 years ago and I fully expected to have my mom around for another 20-25 years (she is in her 60's, my twins sister and I are in our mid/late 30's).......
Sometimes there is more going on that what we can see, that is for sure, hopefully your mom has a good doctor that can figure it out....
GJ I'm so sorry you are having to go through this | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 133
Location: texas | Are you religious? if so start praying for her as much a possible! im soo sorry this is happening! | |
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 Twin Sister to Queen Boobie
Posts: 13315
Location: East Tennessee but who knows?! | I am in a similar situation.and live 3 hours away. I would talk to all of her docs and actually fax a letter as well so that it goes in her chart as a permanent record. Unless she has put you on the release form they can't tell you anything but they can accept information from you.
Another thing I would do is suggest they do a test for Alzheimer's. Personality changes / bad decisions are a sign of that. Also, nutritional deficiencies too. | |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | my advice.....walk away...............you can only help someone who wants help
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8696
Location: the end of the rainbow | cheryl makofka - 2015-10-08 7:59 AM
You can discuss with her doctor and see if he will commit her.
Where I live a doctor or police officer can commit an individual who is mentally unstable and is a threat to themselves or intend to do harm to someone else.
The other thing you can do is when she is out drinking and you are aware, call the police and have her arrested, if she is driving. Then hopefully when she is in custody drug and alcohol treatment can be a condition of her sentence.
In our state it is pretty hard to have someone committed. But if she is drinking and driving an arrest is a huge wake up call. Your only other option is a find a really good therapist or pastor to help you family do an intervention to see if you can talk her into getting help. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1898
| willrodeo4food - 2015-10-08 1:48 PM
cheryl makofka - 2015-10-08 7:59 AM
You can discuss with her doctor and see if he will commit her.
Where I live a doctor or police officer can commit an individual who is mentally unstable and is a threat to themselves or intend to do harm to someone else.
The other thing you can do is when she is out drinking and you are aware, call the police and have her arrested, if she is driving. Then hopefully when she is in custody drug and alcohol treatment can be a condition of her sentence.
In our state it is pretty hard to have someone committed. But if she is drinking and driving an arrest is a huge wake up call. Your only other option is a find a really good therapist or pastor to help you family do an intervention to see if you can talk her into getting help.
From experience, you can go to a doctor's apt with her but she probably wont let you; you can call the doctor and they will listen to you but wont do a **** thing. At the end of your conversation they will say "Although we appreciate this information, there really is nothing we can do unless she discloses this information to us herself.
As for calling and reporting her as drunk driving, this is probably your best option. At least then she will get in the system and a judge can require she gets help. But the thing is, even if the help is required, it is only going to work if she wants to change.
I don't think walking away is the right path either. Although there are times that this the only thing left to do. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1432
Location: Never in one place long | thanks for all the encouragment, yes, I'm religious and have been praying fervently. I don't think she drives drunk, luckily. She does I think drive under the influence of too much xanax maybe... it's like she just can't cope with anything! Everything that happens drags her down and she isn't resiliant at all! She needs to realize other people have trials too but she just sees the bad in HER life. It's heart breaking to see her wasting her life. She has kept a job but I'm worried about it. Luckily, she gets a lot of time off, a lot of sick days and her job is very flexible. That has saved her so far. | |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12838
| I think that you can have her committed. If she is arrested. the judge may order her to go to treatment. If she is caught DUI very many times, she will go to jail. Many states have three strikes you're out policies and the third arrest means jail and you do not come out. My cousin's boyfriend called the police on her and she was forced to go to rehab by the judge. She was there for about 4 months. She now has a blow and go on her car. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | DLV - 2015-10-08 9:34 AM
What do you do when your parent is acting like a child!? My siblings who live nearby have said they basically disowned my Mom as they are tired of the way she is acting... for about a year now she has been acting irresponsibly, drinking too much, taking WAY more than enough xanax, sleeping odd hours of the day, not going to work, not being responsible watching my niece and nephew and just acting like a baby! She loves to dance and goes out dancing 3-4 times a week, always meeting different men and saying she "found the one" then they disappear and I have to hear ALL about it. I think it all snowballed when her friend died about a month ago, then her dog...I know she is depressed and lonely but nothing we seem to do helps, everyone goes through hardships in life but she's always in a "poor me" mode. We take her pills away, she just goes to her doctor and gets more pills and buys more alcohol. Since I don't live at home, I really have no control. When I talk to her, she lies, she lies to my siblings, her text messages make absolutely no sense half the time. I don't know who to believe or how to even help her at this point... can you legally get your parent checked into a mental facility?? Help!
I have no advice other than the good ones you've been given here, but prayers for your mom and you. God can turn things around in a heartbeat. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 4121
Location: SE Louisiana | Everybody missed....what might be the most important fact. She lost her dog. Encourage her to get another... Maybe a shelter dog that has lost everybody too. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 287
| cheryl makofka - 2015-10-08 7:59 AM
You can discuss with her doctor and see if he will commit her.
Where I live a doctor or police officer can commit an individual who is mentally unstable and is a threat to themselves or intend to do harm to someone else.
The other thing you can do is when she is out drinking and you are aware, call the police and have her arrested, if she is driving. Then hopefully when she is in custody drug and alcohol treatment can be a condition of her sentence.
You are kidding right?? Frankly, if Moms wants to down a 5th of scotch every night and sleep with every old geezer in the local elks lodge, she has every right to do so. Sorry. No one has to like it and I can't believe that people actually think it's grounds for involuntary commitment! She's not driving drunk and is plenty old enough to make her own choices, be they good or bad. She probably shouldn't get all hopped up on Xanax and be driving around, but as for the rest of it.... ain't nobody's d@mn business!! | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| She's old enough to do what she wants..... | |
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Miracle in the Making
Posts: 4013
| DLV - 2015-10-08 3:03 PM thanks for all the encouragment, yes, I'm religious and have been praying fervently. I don't think she drives drunk, luckily. She does I think drive under the influence of too much xanax maybe... it's like she just can't cope with anything! Everything that happens drags her down and she isn't resiliant at all! She needs to realize other people have trials too but she just sees the bad in HER life. It's heart breaking to see her wasting her life. She has kept a job but I'm worried about it. Luckily, she gets a lot of time off, a lot of sick days and her job is very flexible. That has saved her so far.
THIS IS A ROUGH statement see if she will volunter at a spinal cord rehab or brain injury rehad or a senior then maybe she wil feel blessed and useful
its a thought | |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | People do crazy things when they are depressed or extremely stressed out! It is her life and she can do what she wants as long as she is not endangering anyone! I agree with the person who said to get her another dog! Get her a smaller dog that can sleep with her and ride in the car etc... Just get her a puppy with a bow as a surprise! She may complain at first but she will grow to love it quickly! | |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | Help will not work unless she is ready for it. It's attention seeking behavior...
Almost literally in the same spot. Really sucks. Best of luck to you and your family. | |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25351
Location: Bastrop, Texas | If I had to take a wild guess, I would say she's an addict. You already know she's been using Xanax for quite some time. Her behavior is reckless, self-destructive, and erratic. She's very depressed, and self pity is one tool that is frequently used by addicts. I'd say there is a pretty good chance that she has a poly pharmacy stash at home. If she complains of a lot of physical pain, there's a good chance she's a heavy opiate user. Addiction and depression often go hand-in-hand, as well as other psychiatric illnesses.
If she is an addict, you'll never get her to admit to it. Any attempt to do so usually results in some sort of diversion or deflection, often times hostility directed back at the accuser. I'm guessing she's emotionally very labile.
As a disease, addiction is very cunning, and so are addicts. They have an illness that tells them they don't have one. One additional clue might be found if you ask her whether or not she is having a lot of physical pain. If you do it with empathy and finesse, she just might let down her guard and open up to you. Ask it in a way that projects a sincere concern. If she admits to this, and, better yet, if she seems eager to dwell on her physical ailments, then you have reason to suspect narcotic/opiate abuse, etc...
Unfortunately, because of HIPPA laws, her doctor is very limited as far as what he can disclose or discuss with you without her consent. Still, I think it would be a good idea to call him and make your concerns known to him. Better yet, provide him with something in writing that outlines the basis for your concerns and suspicions. If possible, memorialize specific examples and documentation. That would add more incentive for him to look more closely at her. One thing he can do is run an online search that will tabulate her prescriptions, particularly of narcotics. All states have this sort of database available. You might discover that she has a history of drug seeking behavior, including ERs, clinics, and several doctors. This is an increasingly common problem, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen it. If she's ever picked up, a drug screen could be very telling and useful. As others have suggested, that might be a blessing for her.
Lastly, your family needs to realize that addiction is actually a "family illness" because it can literally tear apart the family fabric and cause emotional illness to become manifest in others.
Good luck. To be sure, the task at hand will be daunting.
ETA: I'd hold off on the puppy, until after she's gotten the help she needs. As much as I'd love to think that a puppy would help, I'm afraid it would prove futile, in the long run, without real tough love and help.
Edited by Bear 2015-10-10 9:48 AM
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Bear - 2015-10-10 9:41 AM
If I had to take a wild guess, I would say she's an addict. You already know she's been using Xanax for quite some time. Her behavior is reckless, self-destructive, and erratic. She's very depressed, and self pity is one tool that is frequently used by addicts. I'd say there is a pretty good chance that she has a poly pharmacy stash at home. If she complains of a lot of physical pain, there's a good chance she's a heavy opiate user. Addiction and depression often go hand-in-hand, as well as other psychiatric illnesses.
If she is an addict, you'll never get her to admit to it. Any attempt to do so usually results in some sort of diversion or deflection, often times hostility directed back at the accuser. I'm guessing she's emotionally very labile.
As a disease, addiction is very cunning, and so are addicts. They have an illness that tells them they don't have one. One additional clue might be found if you ask her whether or not she is having a lot of physical pain. If you do it with empathy and finesse, she just might let down her guard and open up to you. Ask it in a way that projects a sincere concern. If she admits to this, and, better yet, if she seems eager to dwell on her physical ailments, then you have reason to suspect narcotic/opiate abuse, etc...
Unfortunately, because of HIPPA laws, her doctor is very limited as far as what he can disclose or discuss with you without her consent. Still, I think it would be a good idea to call him and make your concerns known to him. Better yet, provide him with something in writing that outlines the basis for your concerns and suspicions. If possible, memorialize specific examples and documentation. That would add more incentive for him to look more closely at her. One thing he can do is run an online search that will tabulate her prescriptions, particularly of narcotics. All states have this sort of database available. You might discover that she has a history of drug seeking behavior, including ERs, clinics, and several doctors. This is an increasingly common problem, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen it. If she's ever picked up, a drug screen could be very telling and useful. As others have suggested, that might be a blessing for her.
Lastly, your family needs to realize that addiction is actually a "family illness" because it can literally tear apart the family fabric and cause emotional illness to become manifest in others.
Good luck. To be sure, the task at hand will be daunting.
ETA: I'd hold off on the puppy, until after she's gotten the help she needs. As much as I'd love to think that a puppy would help, I'm afraid it would prove futile, in the long run, without real tough love and help.
This is my favorite post of yours to date. It was written with true empathy, knowledge, and consideration. Way to go Doc! | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| classicpotatochip - 2015-10-10 10:43 AM
Bear - 2015-10-10 9:41 AM
If I had to take a wild guess, I would say she's an addict. You already know she's been using Xanax for quite some time. Her behavior is reckless, self-destructive, and erratic. She's very depressed, and self pity is one tool that is frequently used by addicts. I'd say there is a pretty good chance that she has a poly pharmacy stash at home. If she complains of a lot of physical pain, there's a good chance she's a heavy opiate user. Addiction and depression often go hand-in-hand, as well as other psychiatric illnesses.
If she is an addict, you'll never get her to admit to it. Any attempt to do so usually results in some sort of diversion or deflection, often times hostility directed back at the accuser. I'm guessing she's emotionally very labile.
As a disease, addiction is very cunning, and so are addicts. They have an illness that tells them they don't have one. One additional clue might be found if you ask her whether or not she is having a lot of physical pain. If you do it with empathy and finesse, she just might let down her guard and open up to you. Ask it in a way that projects a sincere concern. If she admits to this, and, better yet, if she seems eager to dwell on her physical ailments, then you have reason to suspect narcotic/opiate abuse, etc...
Unfortunately, because of HIPPA laws, her doctor is very limited as far as what he can disclose or discuss with you without her consent. Still, I think it would be a good idea to call him and make your concerns known to him. Better yet, provide him with something in writing that outlines the basis for your concerns and suspicions. If possible, memorialize specific examples and documentation. That would add more incentive for him to look more closely at her. One thing he can do is run an online search that will tabulate her prescriptions, particularly of narcotics. All states have this sort of database available. You might discover that she has a history of drug seeking behavior, including ERs, clinics, and several doctors. This is an increasingly common problem, and I can't tell you how many times I've seen it. If she's ever picked up, a drug screen could be very telling and useful. As others have suggested, that might be a blessing for her.
Lastly, your family needs to realize that addiction is actually a "family illness" because it can literally tear apart the family fabric and cause emotional illness to become manifest in others.
Good luck. To be sure, the task at hand will be daunting.
ETA: I'd hold off on the puppy, until after she's gotten the help she needs. As much as I'd love to think that a puppy would help, I'm afraid it would prove futile, in the long run, without real tough love and help.
This is my favorite post of yours to date. It was written with true empathy, knowledge, and consideration. Way to go Doc!
I agree, great post, lots of information given with great empathy. | |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | Everything Doc said! She sounds like she has an addiction to the pills. Add in alcohol and you have a complete mess. How long has she been drinking? How long has she been taking the pills? If you ask, she mostly likely won't be truthful about it, not so much that she wants to lie to you, but she is lying to herself. 
In addition to what doc said, what you can do is call your the local AA hotline and see if you can have someone come over and do a 12 step call on her. If that isn't possible, maybe you can attend some Al-Anon meetings to help you understand what addiction means, how it affects the family and what steps you do to deal with YOUR feelings.
Last you are NOT in control at all, neither are your siblings. She is an adult and gets to make her own choices, good and bad. Praying that you all find the peace you seek...
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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | My father is Bipolar and has Alzheimer's. Every day gets a little worse and I have no clue "which dad" I will get when I talk to him. My father was also using Xanax. He is making irrational decisions and saying things that don't make sense. At some point you have to decide whether to continue to enable someone or make the hard decision to cut ties. I recently had a few things come to light about my father and I have not talked to him in about a month.
I'm sorry you are going through this, its a tough situation. Many hugs to you! | |
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 IMA No Hair Style Gal
Posts: 2594
| I hate to hear that you are in this position. I do not believe you can get your mom checked into a mental health facility without her consent, unless she has literally broken down. My husband and I have found ourselves in similar situations with our parents.
When I was 16 my mom had her first mental break down, the police found her wandering around with $1,000 in her bible saying she was going to marry Jesus in another country. She spent a few weeks in the facility and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Shortly after my parents got a divorce and my mom went down a rough path. Got involved in drugs, and started abusing prescription medication. I moved out and kept my distance, until about three years ago she had another mental break down and was also on a drug that showed up on her drug test when the police tested her. This time she was running from the police (didn’t realize it according to her) and they had to put stop sticks out to stop her. She actually ended up flipping her car over and wrecking….and landed herself in jail. From there she was signed into another mental health facility. And it was during this time that she actively received treatment for her bipolar diagnosis she had gotten about 10 years ago.
My husband’s dad also battled with mental illness, but never sought treatment. He said some pretty horrible things, so my husband nixed him from his life. Two days after Christmas his dad committed suicide.
So looking back on both situations here would be my advice to you:
Understanding mental illness is one of the HARDEST things to do, especially when you are not mentally ill. Make it a point to tell your mom you LOVE HER even when she makes bad choices. Looking back on what my husband and I have both gone through in both situations this is something we regret we didn’t do for our mentally ill parents.
My husband’s biggest regret is cutting his dad out of his life. When he gets emotional about it, he says I just wish I would have seen the bigger picture and understood the things he was doing were a cry for help, not a cry for being shut out.
Seek the input of a counselor to help you find your balance of what you can and cannot handle with your mom. As hard as it sounds, having a conversation about your concerns that you have posted here probably needs to happen with your mom.
Learning to forgive and love unconditionally will be your biggest allies in coming to terms with what you are going through.
I have had to learn to love my mom for who she is, and it did take me a long time to forgive her. But once I did those two things I am able to live a much more peaceful and fulfilling life. I want so much more for my mom….but she has to want it too. Her life will be so much more simple and basic than mine is, but I have also come to terms that it was the life that she has chosen to live, and I cannot control that. On a good note my mom is finally doing better than she ever has, but once someone has multiple mental breakdowns they never go back to the person they were before. Just find comfort in the fact that your family will find its way, unconditional love and forgiveness is key.
And….get her a dog. That was the best thing I ever did for my mom. Her dog Spur is her only companion, and he has brought a lot of joy to her life. We got her an older dog because she could not really handle the responsibility of a puppy. We do closely monitor his care, but for the past 3 years my mom has never skipped a beat in making sure he is taken care of. | |
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Seriously!? Adults behaving badly... what do you do?