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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
 
| This is totally off topic and personal but I'm at a total loss on how to handle this or really even how to feel about it. I've got a 15 year old step daughter been married to her dad for 5 years for the most part we all get along pretty well... she lives with her mother and visits us every other weekend. Mom is remarried ( I have to add this is husband # 2 for her since her and my husband quit) anyway, I've noticed the last few visits she's been acting extremely and overly affectionate towards her dad... holding hands in the grocery store in the truck keeping her hand on his thigh when sitting next to him laying her head on his shoulders rubbing his arms and massaging shoulders any chance she gets... she hasn't exhibited this kind of affection before... just lately. . I talked to my husband about it last night and told him my concerns and he actually agreed with me and admitted it is making him uncomfortable because it's so over the top with her ... enough that even my 10 year old daughter noticed and said something to me. We discussed the possibility of something inappropriate going on at her home .... she acted out several months ago at the home of her mother's boyfriend before they got married... she took a butcher knife and stabbed all his kitchen cabinets . We confronted her and she blamed it on being bullied at school. My husband has asked her about it and she always says everything's fine nothings wrong... I've had to block and put a pass code on our tv because I've caught her watching inappropriate movies and shows before.. she also lost her cell phone privilege by her mother because she got caught "sexting" with a boy from school. So yes there are HUGE red flags popping up.. we are at a loss on how to handle this. My husband thinks he can take her to a doctor to find out if anything is going on but I don't think that'll work and she won't ever admit to anything , IF in fact there is anything ... |
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  Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
 
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Oh dang! :( that sounds like trouble to me. I'm sorry. I hope you can get it figured out. I have no advice, but many prayers to you. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
 
Location: Displaced Iowegian | You have already admitted that she will tell you and your husband nothing.......so what is the harm in taking her to a family "counselor"..... If she is stabbing cabinets and expressing other inappropriate behavior....where there is smoke, there is generally a fire burning! |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | A counselor may be in order, as well. Prayers for getting some answers!
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| It'll have to be on our time ... the counseling. Her mother isn't exactly easy to work with. She will think it's ridiculous and that I'm overreacting on the matter. Her mother has taken her to counseling before. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 490
| If it seems inappropriate and your uncomfortable, there is probably something going on, please step in. I wont share details, but I bought that t-shirt. Enough said? It was forced and I am still being blamed by my mom to this day. I wish someone would have stepped in. But they didnt. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Jazz's Girl - 2016-01-04 9:07 AM
If it seems inappropriate and your uncomfortable, there is probably something going on, please step in. I wont share details, but I bought that t-shirt. Enough said? It was forced and I am still being blamed by my mom to this day. I wish someone would have stepped in. But they didnt.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Please try to find out what is going on. My son is dating the GF from hell right now. She was abused by her mother's boyfriend for years and she has all kinds of issues. Her family just ignored it or couldn't be bothered, I can't tell which. It is sad because when she wants she is someone I love to hang out with. But more and more often she is flipping out on him and it is scary. |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
I have always call my Daddy daddy all my life untill the day he died he was daddy, lol I guess being from Texas it dont sound creppy to me at all when someone calls their father daddy.. What do you guys up your way call your daddys? |
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 Shoot Yeah
Posts: 4273
Location: Where you need a paddle... Oregon! | How is her school behavior? You can contact the school counselor and express your concerns. Sometimes that can be an avenue. Our school works with our county's mental health department and we can refer them. Then a counselor from mental health comes to our school during the day to meet with the kids on their caseload. It is free and it also eliminates the need to take a kid to the counselor, so it removes that roadblock. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 477
Location: IA | If she won't tell you guys, says she is fine, you have a few options and reasons why:
Either she wants you to keep probing, trying to get her to talk--which could be her way of saying that she needs to feel safe, and that she can trust you to hear what she has to tell you. This is where a great counselor can help you (even if you go to them yourself for advice on how to get her to open up. Use what they teach you, and if that doesn't work, then maybe take her to see that counselor or another one). Dad maybe should go too, because it's different how men and women relate, and any counselor worth their salt would be able to give each of you a different approach that could work.
Does she have ANYONE else in the family or her circle (teacher, coach, friend) that she would talk to? Contact them and tell them that you are really concerned about her. Don't ask/make them tell you anything, but if they are a true friend and care about her, they will give you clues as to where you can direct your energies to help her, without betraying her trust and confidence.
Most victims are reluctant to tell what is happening to them for fear of reprisal, or throwing the entire family into an uproar, and then feeling guilty for that. On top of the abuse or whatever is psychologically wrong with them.
I agree that her behavior is inappropriate, and likely it's her way of asking for help. At 15, so much is happening that they just don't understand, but they are usually so emotionally unstable that they waver between asking for help and trying to cover it up. But the stabbing kitchen cupboards--if she hasn't done anything before or since like that--was a big red flag. I'm not saying anything did or did not happen, but if something were, a way to keep her from reacting outwardly again was probably used. Finding a safe way for her to share is going to be critical to helping get to the bottom of this.
I hope that some of this is helpful, she is lucky to have you and her father in her corner and concerned for her well being.
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 Not Afraid to Work
Posts: 4717
| Definetely look into counseling... they are trained professionals and kids can say a lot without saying anything at all. I think the behavior is very strange and sounds like she is going down a dangerous path. |
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Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 1:27 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
Never thought of it being a demographic thing, but it very well may be! We just stick with Dad, usually. |
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Expert
Posts: 2685
| I have no idea how to help but prayer. I'm very sorry for the whole situation. |
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 I Don't Brag
Posts: 6960
| Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
Agree. My Daddy passed 10 years ago at age 90 and he was and always will be "Daddy" for myself and all my siblings (6 sisters and 1 brother). Funny thing is, my Mom was "Mother". I can remember around 5 years old(and the baby of the family) I decided I was too old to call my mother Mommy and switched to Mother, like the rest of my siblings and saw her just crumple the first time I did.
That is just who they are/were....Mother and Daddy.
As for the OP, I wish I had some advice on how to handle this situation...and handle it you should. Do you have a close enough relationship to have a heart to heart with her? Maybe it is as simple as needing to be close and feel valued by her father or an indication of something more serious. I would sit down without accusing her of wrong doing and explain that now she is growing in to a woman that some behaviors make both you and her father uncomfortable and is not appropriate. Ask her if there might be other ways to make her feel loved and valued. Tell her that you are both there for her if she ever has any questions or issues. If that doesn't get anywhere, THEN I would suggest counseling. |
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Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | rodeoveteran - 2016-01-04 11:53 AM Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase. Agree. My Daddy passed 10 years ago at age 90 and he was and always will be "Daddy" for myself and all my siblings (6 sisters and 1 brother ). Funny thing is, my Mom was "Mother". I can remember around 5 years old (and the baby of the family ) I decided I was too old to call my mother Mommy and switched to Mother, like the rest of my siblings and saw her just crumple the first time I did. That is just who they are/were....Mother and Daddy. As for the OP, I wish I had some advice on how to handle this situation...and handle it you should. Do you have a close enough relationship to have a heart to heart with her? Maybe it is as simple as needing to be close and feel valued by her father or an indication of something more serious. I would sit down without accusing her of wrong doing and explain that now she is growing in to a woman that some behaviors make both you and her father uncomfortable and is not appropriate. Ask her if there might be other ways to make her feel loved and valued. Tell her that you are both there for her if she ever has any questions or issues. If that doesn't get anywhere, THEN I would suggest counseling.
I call my dad, dad (from WY). But my 89yr old grandma (from CO) still talks about hers as daddy. I see more southern people call theirs daddy. It doesn't bother me I guess. I am called mom mostly, but when my little guy (3) really wants to melt my heart, he will call me mama. He usually gets extra snuggles that way. |
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Regular
Posts: 78
| definitely creepy- hand on the thigh, massaging arms and shoulders holding hands, the entire thing. These are things I do to MY husband. A kid should not be doing this to her dad, daddy or whatever!  |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I agree the shoulder and arm rubbing and hand on thigh thing is just to much. |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
Daddy is normal here. Anything else is weird. |
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Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | And I would definitely get her to a counselor. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Counselor. Way weird. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
Yep still call him daddy!!!! |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| She calls him dad or daddy... I didn't ever find that odd.. my hubby still refers to his dad as daddy... |
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 Veteran
Posts: 138
Location: MS | Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:43 PM
Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 1:27 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
I am the same way...37 years old and my Dad (even sounds weird referring to him as Dad) is my Daddy and always will be! My siblings are in their 50s and all call him Daddy. My stepdaughter is 19 and also calls my husband Daddy. It's normal so must be a demographic thing. |
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Expert
Posts: 3147
| Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
I, also, called my dad Daddy til the day he died-raised in Texas, too. |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | lhighquality - 2016-01-04 3:58 PM Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase. Yep still call him daddy!!!!
OT but I call mine Daddy as well. It usually sounds like DIDdy because of my accent tho. My family has roots in Louisiana and East Texas. I'm in North Texas and was in Oklahoma before that and people look at me weird all the time because of my accent. Especially when I use "big" words along with my accent. Totally throws them LOL |
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
Location: Texas | Three 4 Luck - 2016-01-04 2:15 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
Still think it strange that a teenage girl holds her daddy's hand. I have teenage granddaughters and it is not happening.
Edited by RocketPilot 2016-01-04 5:50 PM
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Am I the only one wondering why Daddy does not set some boundaries regarding this behavior? IMHO, he should step up as her father and let her know what is - and is not - appropriate displays of affection with dear old dad. |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| sent you a pm |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 927
Location: Iowa | Something has her feeling really insecure. Keep prying and be an keep reassuring her that you are there for her. Is there one on one time for her dad and her? He needs to be the one to tell her what is appropriate touch and "not at your age" touch with her dad. It will come out what happened or what is bothering her, but it might take lots of time.
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | want2chase3 - 2016-01-04 6:38 AM This is totally off topic and personal but I'm at a total loss on how to handle this or really even how to feel about it. I've got a 15 year old step daughter been married to her dad for 5 years for the most part we all get along pretty well... she lives with her mother and visits us every other weekend. Mom is remarried ( I have to add this is husband # 2 for her since her and my husband quit) anyway, I've noticed the last few visits she's been acting extremely and overly affectionate towards her dad... holding hands in the grocery store in the truck keeping her hand on his thigh when sitting next to him laying her head on his shoulders rubbing his arms and massaging shoulders any chance she gets... she hasn't exhibited this kind of affection before... just lately. . I talked to my husband about it last night and told him my concerns and he actually agreed with me and admitted it is making him uncomfortable because it's so over the top with her ... enough that even my 10 year old daughter noticed and said something to me. We discussed the possibility of something inappropriate going on at her home .... she acted out several months ago at the home of her mother's boyfriend before they got married... she took a butcher knife and stabbed all his kitchen cabinets . We confronted her and she blamed it on being bullied at school. My husband has asked her about it and she always says everything's fine nothings wrong... I've had to block and put a pass code on our tv because I've caught her watching inappropriate movies and shows before.. she also lost her cell phone privilege by her mother because she got caught "sexting" with a boy from school. So yes there are HUGE red flags popping up.. we are at a loss on how to handle this. My husband thinks he can take her to a doctor to find out if anything is going on but I don't think that'll work and she won't ever admit to anything , IF in fact there is anything ...
Huge red flags.
I hope what you meant was that you sat down and talked to her, not "confronted" her...
stabbing kitchen cabinets is not normal behavior. Something is seriously going on, and she is screaming for help by acting out. Is there a trusted family member (adult) that she is comfortable talking to? If not, it may take a bit of trying to get out what she holding inside. Whether that is a counselor, therapist, intervention specialist. This person should also be female... I'm sending prayers your way!!  |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
My daddy has always been "Daddy" to me. I feel like this----any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a "daddy". But maybe it is a southern thing!!!!
Mine comes out "Diddy" too sometimes!
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2016-01-04 8:27 PM
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | Do you and her have a good relationship? Do you have anything, maybe something from your teenage years you could open up to her about? That could get her talking? It might take a while but building a strong relationship and being a shoulder to lean on may help. Or find her a good counselor. I understond it could be hard if she opens up to you on figuring out what to do. Could you run a background chack on the mothers husband? Just see if anything bad comes up. Is her mother abusive? Something could have happened with a boy at school. 15 is a hard age, you don't understand what love is, but you think you do, and you think the boys at school actually "care" and it's all really just one big mess.
There are so many things that "could be" the problem. It may actually be a simple fix, you never. I had a friend that was raped by a stranger in her back yard when she was 14 and she only told 2 people, me and her other friend, and she was a mess. Attempted suicide, ranaway, into some hard drugs, she was always with a new guy. She has her life sorted out now but it was a long road. |
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Veteran
Posts: 285
| I would get the mom, you, and your husband together and calmy talk about what's going on. You said mom isn't the easiest person to get along with, but hopefully since you are concerned about her daughter, you guys can talk. If things start getting heated, just remind everyone that you all love this girl and are worried about her. Are you sure she's not lovey dovey on dad to try upset you? Whatever the case, it is inappropriate and she does need someone she can talk to. She might not want to talk, but there is a reason behind her behavior. Teenage years are hard. Trying to grow up, mood swings, crushing on boys, girl stuff, and feeling like nobody understands. Have you personally asked her yourself why she's being that way with dad? She might just tell you or might get mad but it might just make her feel like someone cares. I suggest talking to her, not about the problem but school, friends, and kind of lead up to it. Maybe mention that she seems different lately. If she doesn't say anything just let her think about it and she just might tell you.
Sorry, I feel like I wrote a book. Good luck to you and let us know what happens. Hugs and Prayers!!! |
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Veteran
Posts: 285
| Chandler's Mom - 2016-01-04 8:18 PM
Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
My daddy has always been "Daddy" to me. I feel like this----any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a "daddy". But maybe it is a southern thing!!!!
Mine comes out "Diddy" too sometimes!
I call my dad daddy and my mom momma. Sounds great with my oakie accent ;) |
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 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
Location: Sunnyland Florida |
I agree with many of the others, please continue to pursue this through counseling or other source(s) until she concurs. She needs and deserves help to get through this and understand it's not normal behavior.
Then, the most important part starts - reporting it immediately to the authorities and letting justice be served upright to the sorry SOB, who is most likely the Mother's boyfriend/husband, or one of the past husbands. This person needs to be labeled "child sex offender" so other girls may be spared in the future.
God bless your family, prayers for you all to get through this.
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Addicted to Baseball
Location: Where the stars at night are big and bright, TX | My husband is a child and adolescent psychologist and he read this. These are the kinds of kids he works with on a daily basis. He feels she's become sexualized somewhere. That you and your husband should sit down with her, not in attack or interrogation mode, and he should say something like, "hey sis, I love you to death but this kind of touching is making me uncomfortable - and if someone ever/is making you uncomfortable, I want you to tell me." Have another talk about good touch/bad touch. Don't let the younger one go on and see how she's expressing herself. Not addressing it is condoning it.
If you feel the mom would think you're overreacting, my first thought would be she's had a creepy boyfriend who has made moves on the girl. Girls don't learn to be man pleasers like that just right out of the thin blue air. That reactivity with the knife and cupboards is a typical frustration action by a teen/child who can't share/process what's going on with her. Kids and teens aren't yet equipped to fully process their feelings into words or correct emotions, so being so reactive is not abnormal but it sure sounds like she may have an ugly secret she isn't able to properly express. |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | She's got something going on somewhere.
she's at the age of sexual discovery, school pressures, huge changes in her own body AND home life from where she spends the majority of her time has been erratic. Does she have a boyfriend, or is she involved with any significant boys? The fact that she took a knife and stabbed something is a flag enough alone... she may have some hormonal issues- maybe she's getting picked on at school- maybe there might be some really wrong things going on at moms house or within a relationship that she's in.... either way, time to get her help. counselor... and I would suggest not sitting in and letting her express herself to the counselor alone. The likelihood that she'd actually be willing to express herself with either parent in the room is low.
Best of luck to you all. You're in a very tough spot and I hope you can get her some real help. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Delta Cowgirl - 2016-01-04 6:00 PM
Am I the only one wondering why Daddy does not set some boundaries regarding this behavior? IMHO, he should step up as her father and let her know what is - and is not - appropriate displays of affection with dear old dad.
I agree 100% with this. I've told him that he is absolutely going to have to set boundaries with her because in reality to an outsider looking in he would look like the creepy one. And I expressed to him that her rubbing all over him makes me very uncomfortable too. He's not confrontational and he's always been kind of a pushover when it comes to her but to me this is getting way out of control and honestly it truly disgusts me to watch her do what she does.. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| outrundaizy - 2016-01-05 12:18 AM
Do you and her have a good relationship? Do you have anything, maybe something from your teenage years you could open up to her about? That could get her talking? It might take a while but building a strong relationship and being a shoulder to lean on may help. Or find her a good counselor. I understond it could be hard if she opens up to you on figuring out what to do. Could you run a background chack on the mothers husband? Just see if anything bad comes up. Is her mother abusive? Something could have happened with a boy at school. 15 is a hard age, you don't understand what love is, but you think you do, and you think the boys at school actually "care" and it's all really just one big mess.
There are so many things that "could be" the problem. It may actually be a simple fix, you never. I had a friend that was raped by a stranger in her back yard when she was 14 and she only told 2 people, me and her other friend, and she was a mess. Attempted suicide, ranaway, into some hard drugs, she was always with a new guy. She has her life sorted out now but it was a long road.
I wish we had a better relationship to be honest. She had a very hard time with me coming into her dad's life and had and still does have issues with my 10 year old daughter ... very jealous tendencies still to this day. When she said she hated me I pulled her aside and tried to have a heart to heart with her and opened up to her about some personal things I'd been thru as a teenager..really didn't bring us closer. She doesn't like when my husband shows affection towards me or my daughter .. you can see it in her face and that's usually when she comes in and starts draping herself on him even more. So yes I think some of this has to do with being jealous and wanting to " mark her territory" so to speak ... anyway.. in her mind.... but I also just have a feeling something happened or is happening to add fuel to the behavior. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | want2chase3 - 2016-01-05 8:52 AM outrundaizy - 2016-01-05 12:18 AM Do you and her have a good relationship? Do you have anything, maybe something from your teenage years you could open up to her about? That could get her talking? It might take a while but building a strong relationship and being a shoulder to lean on may help. Or find her a good counselor. I understond it could be hard if she opens up to you on figuring out what to do. Could you run a background chack on the mothers husband? Just see if anything bad comes up. Is her mother abusive? Something could have happened with a boy at school. 15 is a hard age, you don't understand what love is, but you think you do, and you think the boys at school actually "care" and it's all really just one big mess.
There are so many things that "could be" the problem. It may actually be a simple fix, you never. I had a friend that was raped by a stranger in her back yard when she was 14 and she only told 2 people, me and her other friend, and she was a mess. Attempted suicide, ranaway, into some hard drugs, she was always with a new guy. She has her life sorted out now but it was a long road. I wish we had a better relationship to be honest. She had a very hard time with me coming into her dad's life and had and still does have issues with my 10 year old daughter ... very jealous tendencies still to this day. When she said she hated me I pulled her aside and tried to have a heart to heart with her and opened up to her about some personal things I'd been thru as a teenager..really didn't bring us closer. She doesn't like when my husband shows affection towards me or my daughter .. you can see it in her face and that's usually when she comes in and starts draping herself on him even more. So yes I think some of this has to do with being jealous and wanting to " mark her territory" so to speak ... anyway.. in her mind.... but I also just have a feeling something happened or is happening to add fuel to the behavior.
So there is jealous actions going on here, shes jealous of you and your daughter, I think your husband needs a heart to heart talk with her and let her know that she will always be his daughter. Her only getting to be with her dad every other week has got to be hard on her, I'm wondering if she was with him more if she would not be doing all this arm and shoulder rubbing, but he needs to be the one to let her know that this does not feel right. Let her know that daddy loves her but hes got room in his heart to love his wife and new daughter. |
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Warrior Mom
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| Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-05 9:09 AM
want2chase3 - 2016-01-05 8:52 AM outrundaizy - 2016-01-05 12:18 AM Do you and her have a good relationship? Do you have anything, maybe something from your teenage years you could open up to her about? That could get her talking? It might take a while but building a strong relationship and being a shoulder to lean on may help. Or find her a good counselor. I understond it could be hard if she opens up to you on figuring out what to do. Could you run a background chack on the mothers husband? Just see if anything bad comes up. Is her mother abusive? Something could have happened with a boy at school. 15 is a hard age, you don't understand what love is, but you think you do, and you think the boys at school actually "care" and it's all really just one big mess.
There are so many things that "could be" the problem. It may actually be a simple fix, you never. I had a friend that was raped by a stranger in her back yard when she was 14 and she only told 2 people, me and her other friend, and she was a mess. Attempted suicide, ranaway, into some hard drugs, she was always with a new guy. She has her life sorted out now but it was a long road. I wish we had a better relationship to be honest. She had a very hard time with me coming into her dad's life and had and still does have issues with my 10 year old daughter ... very jealous tendencies still to this day. When she said she hated me I pulled her aside and tried to have a heart to heart with her and opened up to her about some personal things I'd been thru as a teenager..really didn't bring us closer. She doesn't like when my husband shows affection towards me or my daughter .. you can see it in her face and that's usually when she comes in and starts draping herself on him even more. So yes I think some of this has to do with being jealous and wanting to " mark her territory" so to speak ... anyway.. in her mind.... but I also just have a feeling something happened or is happening to add fuel to the behavior.
He's had that talk with her more than once ... as have I and several of his family members she tends to lean towards..... several of those talks ...more one on one time etc etc ... we've tried it all to help EXCEPT family counseling. Which I mentioned to him this morning. The rubbing and hand holding just recently popped up she stayed here for a week for Christmas break so longer than she normally does. |
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 Thread Killer
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| Your husband needs to get off his ass and help his daughter. If he doesn't, she is in for a lifetime of misery. There is SO much wrong with this scenario. |
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Expert
Posts: 1414
| I'm not a counselor or therapist but SOMEONE needs to step up and save this girl before it's too late. She needs a hero and fast. I know a gal that's been through more sexual abuse than you can even imagine. Started by the uncle at a very young age and went on for years. She has DID, last I knew she was up to 9 identities because of the extreme trauma she's been through. The long and the short of it is.....no one came to her rescue. No one had balls enough to take a stand and now SHE'S the one that will pay the price for the rest of her life.
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 Cute Little Imp
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Location: N Texas | It almost sounds like she's trying to mark her territory. As you suspect, SOMETHING has happened to cause her to be insecure and clingy. Flat out asking her what's going on may not work, because even if she knows something is not right, she may not know how to verbalize it, so she'll say nothing is wrong.
Perhaps her father should speak to her privately and inquire about her sudden change in behavior. Phrase it like "hey, I've noticed you've started being a lot more affectionate and physical, and I was just curious what brought that on?" It could be as innocent as she's seen that behavior between some of her friends and their fathers. When I was a teenager, I worked with another teen girl who was a HUGE daddy's girl. He'd give her piggy-back rides, she'd sit in his lap to watch TV, she'd hold his hand, etc. I always thought it was weird because I never did that stuff with my own dad, but that was just their relationship. Some families are just very affectionate toward one another. |
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Troll Buster
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| Just Plain Lucky - 2016-01-05 11:16 AM
Your husband needs to get off his ass and help his daughter. If he doesn't, she is in for a lifetime of misery. There is SO much wrong with this scenario.
^^this. |
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Warrior Mom
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| RacinPeggy06 - 2016-01-05 2:50 PM
Just Plain Lucky - 2016-01-05 11:16 AM
Your husband needs to get off his ass and help his daughter. If he doesn't, she is in for a lifetime of misery. There is SO much wrong with this scenario.
^^this.
I agree
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Thread Killer
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| I've been thinking about this thread all day. It bears resemblance to a scenario in my own childhood. I had a friend who, along with several siblings, was badly abused. The youngest child bore the brunt of it, and it showed in thier behavior. This child was antisocial to the max. Physical contact (a hug, for example) was not appreciated by this person at all and was often followed by threats of violence if closeness was attempted again. In hindsight, they were trying to control who could touch them and where. Something they had no control over at home. They acted out in school as well, saying and doing inappropriate things. Another cry for help, begging for some one to notice. You, OP, mentioned that your step daughter's behavior disgusts you. The child I mentioned did not practice simple personal hygiene and was sent home from school several times because of this. This behavior was disgusting to many, obviously. However, in hindsight, I can now see that this child's lack of hygiene was probably an attempt at making them undesirable to their abuser. There is something seriously wrong in your step daughter's life. She is a child, not an adult. If no one will advocate for her, she will live a life of unimaginable pain and sadness - self imposed or not. |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | pepsi97 - 2016-01-05 2:48 AM
Chandler's Mom - 2016-01-04 8:18 PM
Southtxponygirl - 2016-01-04 12:27 PM
Murphy - 2016-01-04 12:15 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
My daddy has always been "Daddy" to me. I feel like this----any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a "daddy". But maybe it is a southern thing!!!!
Mine comes out "Diddy" too sometimes!
I call my dad daddy and my mom momma. Sounds great with my oakie accent ; )
Same here, and I sure can mess up some words with my Arkansas "twang"!! |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | want2chase3 - 2016-01-05 4:39 PM
RacinPeggy06 - 2016-01-05 2:50 PM
Just Plain Lucky - 2016-01-05 11:16 AM
Your husband needs to get off his ass and help his daughter. If he doesn't, she is in for a lifetime of misery. There is SO much wrong with this scenario.
^^this.
I agree
I think you've gotten some excellent advice, and I pray y'all get to the bottom of this and get some help. |
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 To the Left
Posts: 1865
Location: Florida | Your husband should call Child Protective services or a lawyer. This is serious. If you keep ignoring it, you are as guilty as her mother. WTF are you waiting for her to be pregant or dead?
Edited by Vickie 2016-01-05 8:00 PM
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Warrior Mom
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| Thank you for all the replies. I spoke with my husband last night, he was on the road and on a layover so we had this conversation over the phone... he told me he talked to her when he dropped her off at her mother's house the other night and she told him nothing is going on she swore to him. So to him that's good enough. I told him that's not good enough for me. Asked if he spoke with her about her inappropriate affection towards him suddenly .. nope... let's just put it this way.. that conversation did not end well at all. He's absolutely the worst at confrontation and at communication especially with me. I took me a great deal of courage to even bring it up to him the other night because I wasn't sure how he would receive it.. but I couldn't take watching it anymore and to my total shocking surprise he felt the same way and was uncomfortable.. so for him to have that conversation with her and to not tell me about it until I asked a day later really hurt my feelings. Sorry for the vent here |
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Addicted to Baseball
Location: Where the stars at night are big and bright, TX | want2chase3 - 2016-01-06 7:33 AM Thank you for all the replies. I spoke with my husband last night, he was on the road and on a layover so we had this conversation over the phone... he told me he talked to her when he dropped her off at her mother's house the other night and she told him nothing is going on she swore to him. So to him that's good enough. I told him that's not good enough for me. Asked if he spoke with her about her inappropriate affection towards him suddenly .. nope... let's just put it this way.. that conversation did not end well at all. He's absolutely the worst at confrontation and at communication especially with me. I took me a great deal of courage to even bring it up to him the other night because I wasn't sure how he would receive it.. but I couldn't take watching it anymore and to my total shocking surprise he felt the same way and was uncomfortable.. so for him to have that conversation with her and to not tell me about it until I asked a day later really hurt my feelings. Sorry for the vent here
Teens always say nothing is going on. Hopefully nothing is (though something in her young teenage brain thinks she needs to lay hands on men including her father for attention). Maybe one day he'll have to imagine some other over-age man on the receiving end of her actions and see if that thought makes him more uncomfortable than having a concerned and deep heart to heart with her about her behavior.
Good luck, you've at least thrown the shade open and shined a light on it. |
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 Expert
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Location: South Dakota | want2chase3 - 2016-01-06 7:33 AM Thank you for all the replies. I spoke with my husband last night, he was on the road and on a layover so we had this conversation over the phone... he told me he talked to her when he dropped her off at her mother's house the other night and she told him nothing is going on she swore to him. So to him that's good enough. I told him that's not good enough for me. Asked if he spoke with her about her inappropriate affection towards him suddenly .. nope... let's just put it this way.. that conversation did not end well at all. He's absolutely the worst at confrontation and at communication especially with me. I took me a great deal of courage to even bring it up to him the other night because I wasn't sure how he would receive it.. but I couldn't take watching it anymore and to my total shocking surprise he felt the same way and was uncomfortable.. so for him to have that conversation with her and to not tell me about it until I asked a day later really hurt my feelings. Sorry for the vent here
Well you know how it is sometimes. He might argue with you that there isn't a problem, but that doesn't mean he doesn't agree with you deep down. At least maybe he'll be more aware and hopefully communicate with her about what is going on. |
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 Veteran
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| Been married with 3 stepdaughters for 13 years. They were toddlers when dad and I got together. We had many, many, many red flags. Inappropriate displays of affection, manipulation, lies, violent displays of anger. Hubby poopoo'd me off cause princesses couldn't possibly have issues. Biomom went nuts cause she was such a p!ss poor mother, any attempt at trying to help "her" girls by me or their dad with a therapist, doctor, speech therapy, ANYTHING was a threat and she'd go absolutely text book high conflict ex on us. Looking back, now that I'm older, I believe she has a cluster B personality disorder.
Anyways, back to my point, I never ignored, but hubby turned a blind eye and she was uncooperative and it ended up with the two younger daughters (14 & 17) committing a sex crime against my 11 year old son. They have felony warrants for their arrest and will be picked up and thrown in jail if theyou step foot in the PNW but their mom won't let them come back and face the music. Just having warrants keeps them from getting drivers licenses, passports, boarding planes, etc. And now the only is almost 18 and will be tried as an adult and go to actual prison.
Point being, get her in to a GOOD therapist NOW. Take her mother to court if you have to to. Especially with another young sibling, use my story as a lesson. Ours were raised as siblings from infancy/toddlers and they were capable of doing this to my son.
I have a feeling they too have been victims. I KNOW they have, but it's moot now. They are offenders and you don't want that for your step or bio daughters. |
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Veteran
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| Murphy - 2016-01-04 10:15 AM
hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase.
It actually makes me pretty angry when people say cr@p like this. My children call my husband (step-dad from infancy) daddy. And I am mommy. My kids are 13 and 15. There is nothing creepy about it. And actually not a speck of innapropriatness after his daughters got booted out of home. It's only creepy to people who make it that way ?? |
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Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | wickedstepmother - 2016-01-06 3:15 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 10:15 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase. It actually makes me pretty angry when people say cr@p like this. My children call my husband (step-dad from infancy ) daddy. And I am mommy. My kids are 13 and 15. There is nothing creepy about it. And actually not a speck of innapropriatness after his daughters got booted out of home. It's only creepy to people who make it that way ??
Sorry what I said makes you angry. I've since learned that it's most a demographic thing. I wish I could go back and edit so I could stop getting hate mail :) |
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Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | Sorry what I said makes you angry. I've since learned that it's most a demographic thing. I wish I could go back and edit so I could stop getting hate mail :)
Aww, I wouldn't sweat it. I think it is all in what you are used to hearing. My friend calls her dad "dad" but her older sister has always called him "Daddy" It seems normal when she says it but if my friend called him daddy, it would really make me do a double take. |
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Warrior Mom
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| Timber Creek - 2016-01-06 3:09 PM
Sorry what I said makes you angry. I've since learned that it's most a demographic thing. I wish I could go back and edit so I could stop getting hate mail :)
Aww, I wouldn't sweat it. I think it is all in what you are used to hearing. My friend calls her dad "dad" but her older sister has always called him "Daddy" It seems normal when she says it but if my friend called him daddy, it would really make me do a double take.
It's kinda like the word "baby" my hubby calls me baby, calls his daughter that too and my daughter and his sisters daughters.. the waitress at our favorite cafe calls all of us "baby"  |
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Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| I think we've established (in a good portion of this thread) that the word "daddy" can be used by adult children without being creepy. Quit browbeating Murphy and hijacking the thread. PLEASE.
Edited by Just Plain Lucky 2016-01-06 4:16 PM
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
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Location: Kansas | Just Plain Lucky - 2016-01-06 4:14 PM I think we've established (in a good portion of this thread) that the word "daddy" can be used by adult children without being creepy. Quit browbeating Murphy and hijacking the thread. PLEASE.
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Just Plain Lucky - 2016-01-06 4:14 PM I think we've established (in a good portion of this thread) that the word "daddy" can be used by adult children without being creepy. Quit browbeating Murphy and hijacking the thread. PLEASE.
but...but....but....I didn't get to have my "say"....My Daddy always said to call him anything we wanted as long as we didn't forget to call him to dinner on time.......LOL |
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Veteran
Posts: 288
| Murphy - 2016-01-06 12:19 PM
wickedstepmother - 2016-01-06 3:15 PM Murphy - 2016-01-04 10:15 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-01-04 1:02 PM Am I the only person that thinks it's creepy she's holding her dad's hand at 15 years old?
Definitely a counselor.
My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also suggest a counselor. Take her when you have her, it's better than nothing. This isn't a phase. It actually makes me pretty angry when people say cr@p like this. My children call my husband (step-dad from infancy ) daddy. And I am mommy. My kids are 13 and 15. There is nothing creepy about it. And actually not a speck of innapropriatness after his daughters got booted out of home. It's only creepy to people who make it that way ??
Not a problem. Sincere apologies always accepted! |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| wickedstepmother - 2016-01-06 2:09 PM
Been married with 3 stepdaughters for 13 years. They were toddlers when dad and I got together. We had many, many, many red flags. Inappropriate displays of affection, manipulation, lies, violent displays of anger. Hubby poopoo'd me off cause princesses couldn't possibly have issues. Biomom went nuts cause she was such a p!ss poor mother, any attempt at trying to help "her" girls by me or their dad with a therapist, doctor, speech therapy, ANYTHING was a threat and she'd go absolutely text book high conflict ex on us. Looking back, now that I'm older, I believe she has a cluster B personality disorder.
Anyways, back to my point, I never ignored, but hubby turned a blind eye and she was uncooperative and it ended up with the two younger daughters (14 & 17) committing a sex crime against my 11 year old son. They have felony warrants for their arrest and will be picked up and thrown in jail if theyou step foot in the PNW but their mom won't let them come back and face the music. Just having warrants keeps them from getting drivers licenses, passports, boarding planes, etc. And now the only is almost 18 and will be tried as an adult and go to actual prison.
Point being, get her in to a GOOD therapist NOW. Take her mother to court if you have to to. Especially with another young sibling, use my story as a lesson. Ours were raised as siblings from infancy/toddlers and they were capable of doing this to my son.
I have a feeling they too have been victims. I KNOW they have, but it's moot now. They are offenders and you don't want that for your step or bio daughters.
Wow... this is frightening! I do have two young sons too.. she use to want to shower with them when everyone was younger but I put a halt to that immediately. I'm not letting this be swept under the rug. Just because she's convinced him there's nothing wrong. I told him next time she visits and if she starts all the hand holding and thigh rubbing business I expect him to say something to her or I will. |
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I'm grossed out at the thought.
I think it's more jealousy than anything. But I am not an expert. My mom remarried a few years ago, to a man that has a 17 year old daughter(at that time). She hates my mom. Used to call and cuss my mom out, threaten her life, etc. When she did come around, she would try to hold her dads hand, give back rubs and even went as far as to sit in his lap. They were at a family function with his family. My mom didn't want to make a scene so stood up and left. She told him later that a display like that will never happen again, or she will divorce him. She said it was humiliating to sit there and see his daughter, darn near a woman, would try to sit on his lap.
He is very nonconfrontational as well. Never spoke to his daughter about it. But it hasn't happened again. Unfortunately they have a very up and down relationship due to his daughter. |
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Warrior Mom
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| ~BINGO~ - 2016-01-07 9:12 AM
I'm grossed out at the thought.
I think it's more jealousy than anything. But I am not an expert. My mom remarried a few years ago, to a man that has a 17 year old daughter(at that time). She hates my mom. Used to call and cuss my mom out, threaten her life, etc. When she did come around, she would try to hold her dads hand, give back rubs and even went as far as to sit in his lap. They were at a family function with his family. My mom didn't want to make a scene so stood up and left. She told him later that a display like that will never happen again, or she will divorce him. She said it was humiliating to sit there and see his daughter, darn near a woman, would try to sit on his lap.
He is very nonconfrontational as well. Never spoke to his daughter about it. But it hasn't happened again. Unfortunately they have a very up and down relationship due to his daughter.
That's what I'm afraid of.. it has put a strain on our marriage to be honest. Another thing I forgot to mention... perfume... I've worn the same perfume for years even before I met my husband... he always tells me how much he loves the way I smell... well low n behold not too long ago my stepdaughter came over reeking of my perfume... like she poured it over her whole body.. I asked if she sprayed mine on her .. she said nope I bought my own with my own money it's my favorite perfume. So for Christmas I bought her some more age appropriate scents sprays and lotions ... she was smelling thru them and said well I still like MY perfume the best... I'm not flattered , even if I should be by this. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
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| want2chase3 - 2016-01-07 9:55 AM
~BINGO~ - 2016-01-07 9:12 AM
I'm grossed out at the thought.
I think it's more jealousy than anything. But I am not an expert. My mom remarried a few years ago, to a man that has a 17 year old daughter(at that time). She hates my mom. Used to call and cuss my mom out, threaten her life, etc. When she did come around, she would try to hold her dads hand, give back rubs and even went as far as to sit in his lap. They were at a family function with his family. My mom didn't want to make a scene so stood up and left. She told him later that a display like that will never happen again, or she will divorce him. She said it was humiliating to sit there and see his daughter, darn near a woman, would try to sit on his lap.
He is very nonconfrontational as well. Never spoke to his daughter about it. But it hasn't happened again. Unfortunately they have a very up and down relationship due to his daughter.
That's what I'm afraid of.. it has put a strain on our marriage to be honest. Another thing I forgot to mention... perfume... I've worn the same perfume for years even before I met my husband... he always tells me how much he loves the way I smell... well low n behold not too long ago my stepdaughter came over reeking of my perfume... like she poured it over her whole body.. I asked if she sprayed mine on her .. she said nope I bought my own with my own money it's my favorite perfume. So for Christmas I bought her some more age appropriate scents sprays and lotions ... she was smelling thru them and said well I still like MY perfume the best... I'm not flattered , even if I should be by this.
I am going to chime in that even if bothered by her choice of the same perfume, I would taken the high road. I thought your post was going to be you bought her more of it. I feel sorry for the kids who have to see another woman with a child move in and live the life they used to have. This does not excuse inappropriate behavior but her wearing the same perfume is small potatoes. Another approach could have been "I am glad you like it, we both have great taste", don't fight her every step of the way. Even though she is 15, she is just a kid without the maturity and experience to know how to handle this situation that she sure did not ask for.
If you think there is more to it than jealousy, I hope you are able to get her help.
Edited by rodeomom3 2016-01-07 10:06 AM
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Veteran
Posts: 288
| The fact is, she's doing all this to be manipulative. I realize I sound pretty bleak but it's because for 12 years I made excuses and tried to justify abnormal behavior with normal reasoning. The fact is sometimes, they are not normal. Even if their is no history of abuse with her, at 15 she could very well be fine tuning her own personality disorder. If you want to PM me, don't be shy. I literally have been through it all regarding step kids. Trust your gut on this one. After what mine did to my son, I told my husband I understood if he wanted to keep a relationship with but if they we ever brought back to my area or my home I would divorce him. It was a very hard boundary. He was so angry with them, that their relationship is basically distroyed anyways. You don't want all this mess. I'm happy to offer any tips I might have
Edited by wickedstepmother 2016-01-07 10:41 AM
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 Expert
Posts: 1857
| This whole post is sad..... she's a child, even at 15, she's a child. It's not stepmom vs stepchild, when you married and made a commitment to the father you made a commitment to his children. The teen has issues, no one can deny that, but she needs help not judgment! It sounds to me that you both are jealous of each other, you just as much as her, the difference is you're old enough to know better and she isn't. You don't have to allow her bad behavior to happen but I would make sure that discipline for them is made out of love and she knows it. Be open and honest with her. If you see the behavior happening, say something then. Tell her that their are boundaries and even though she loves her father she needs to stay within those boundaries. Ask her why she thinks showing affection to him in that way is appropriate and I would make sure her father is present every time those discussions are made.
The whole perfume thing was petty.... I would have gave her high five and then told her the correct way to wear it! Maybe she looks up to you more than you think.
One more thing - how often does the father do things with her and see's her? does he call her everyday and check up on her, does he make an effort to be at school functions and be present in her life.... maybe she just wants his attention and this is the way she thinks she can get-To be more like you!
Good Luck! |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 830
Location: Paradise , tx | My 15 (soon to be 16 year old) niece is kinda like that also. She has massive daddy issues though. She'll look for attention anywhere. IMO, yes, it's creepy. I also think it's creepy when teenagers and adults call their fathers "Daddy".
I also called my dad -daddy, untill the day he died And at 63. when ever I talk about him, he is still Daddy And I still call my mom momma
Edited by Tailwind 2016-01-07 11:10 AM
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Well either way... I agree the whole scenario is sad.... I'm suggesting counseling for everyone involved... together and individually. We need an unbiased professional outlook and advice on how to deal with the feelings. I appreciate everyone's input here. If it doesn't help her or doesn't apply to her I just hope it helps me understand. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 912
Location: Alabama | FlyingJT - 2016-01-07 11:03 AM
This whole post is sad..... she's a child, even at 15, she's a child. It's not stepmom vs stepchild, when you married and made a commitment to the father you made a commitment to his children. The teen has issues, no one can deny that, but she needs help not judgment! It sounds to me that you both are jealous of each other, you just as much as her, the difference is you're old enough to know better and she isn't. You don't have to allow her bad behavior to happen but I would make sure that discipline for them is made out of love and she knows it. Be open and honest with her. If you see the behavior happening, say something then. Tell her that their are boundaries and even though she loves her father she needs to stay within those boundaries. Ask her why she thinks showing affection to him in that way is appropriate and I would make sure her father is present every time those discussions are made.
The whole perfume thing was petty.... I would have gave her high five and then told her the correct way to wear it! Maybe she looks up to you more than you think.
One more thing - how often does the father do things with her and see's her? does he call her everyday and check up on her, does he make an effort to be at school functions and be present in her life.... maybe she just wants his attention and this is the way she thinks she can get-To be more like you!
Good Luck!
This right here! All of this is spot on! I couldn't agree more. |
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Common Sense and then some
Location: So. California | If you can't get her father on the same page, consider calling her school, talk to a counselor, explain your concerns and be very factual and honest. Keep YOUR emotions out of it. Then step back and let the wheels turn.
This young girl needs professional help, and right now, she is getting nothing from either parent, what a shame. You've received great suggestions, but the cold reality is that her father should step up to the plate and be her champion. I pray this young girl receives the help that she needs. |
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 Transplant Okie
Posts: 1206
Location: Always on call..... | FlyingJT - 2016-01-07 11:03 AM
This whole post is sad..... she's a child, even at 15, she's a child. It's not stepmom vs stepchild, when you married and made a commitment to the father you made a commitment to his children. The teen has issues, no one can deny that, but she needs help not judgment! It sounds to me that you both are jealous of each other, you just as much as her, the difference is you're old enough to know better and she isn't. You don't have to allow her bad behavior to happen but I would make sure that discipline for them is made out of love and she knows it. Be open and honest with her. If you see the behavior happening, say something then. Tell her that their are boundaries and even though she loves her father she needs to stay within those boundaries. Ask her why she thinks showing affection to him in that way is appropriate and I would make sure her father is present every time those discussions are made.
The whole perfume thing was petty.... I would have gave her high five and then told her the correct way to wear it! Maybe she looks up to you more than you think.
One more thing - how often does the father do things with her and see's her? does he call her everyday and check up on her, does he make an effort to be at school functions and be present in her life.... maybe she just wants his attention and this is the way she thinks she can get-To be more like you!
Good Luck!
Agreed. If you have never been a stepchild yourself you don't realize how hard it is to suddenly be expected to love this new parent in your life. Plus the dynamic is constantly changing when kids have to shuffle between different homes. It really is an unstable environment.
Was she close to her dad before you came along? Do you treat her differently now than you used too? (Think about that honestly). My dad and I were super close so it was hard to suddenly have someone else there when they got married. Overall my stepmom treated my pretty well, we certainly butted heads but for the most part she was good to me. However there was a definite change in her attitude towards me after they married (she worked hard to make sure I really liked her before they got married, afterwards it was like she didn't have to make the effort anymore). Then there was an even bigger change in how she treated me versus her own kids. It's very hard as a child to not feel like you are part of your dad's family anymore or that you are loved less. It is even more critical for her to feel loved and accepted at your house (by you and her dad) if there is something bad going on at her mom's. My mom had a very abusive boyfriend for years that I had to spend 1/2 my time living with.
Those dynamics left me with a lot of relationship issues that took most of my 20's, many inappropriate boyfriends and a lot of counseling to sort out.
I'm glad you are pushing for counseling. And I'm glad you want to deal this head on instead of letting it simmer. But make sure you coming from a point of love and concern for her. Not that she's doing something wrong. Please don't shame her, or make her feel bad about her feelings or behaviors. Just try to find out why she's changed. |
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SHOOT IT
Posts: 1170
Location: TEXAS | Whether it's jealousy or something else, the kid needs counseling or help of some sort.
I do want to say, kudos to you for noticing it and bringing it to light with your husband. Hope ya'll get the help that she needs. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I'd never want to shame her nor want her to feel unloved or not important... I tell her all the time I love her and I hug her ... I do genuinely care about her and what's going on in her life to make her act out they way she has been. There are times or incidences that I don't "like" her or her behavior, better yet, but I can say that same thing about my own children and my husband. Yes I'm in total agreement her father needs to step up here and try to figure out what's going on and I have told him that. I personally don't feel I'm treating her any different but I could be wrong.. if I have I'd feel really bad. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Wanted to add, I do discipline her, when it's needed.. I don't spank or put my hands on her. I rarely spank my own unless it's necessary. There was an incident the other day where I scolded my daughter for eating in her room. She said wow, your a nice mom, mine would have beat me with that spoon. Didn't really make me think anything until later on. I've heard she's very very strict from her and other family members but I don't know ... everyone "parents" differently so I don't want to assume anything in that aspect.. |
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I Really Love Jeans
Posts: 3173
Location: North Dakota | I call my husband daddy! |
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Transplant Okie
Posts: 1206
Location: Always on call..... | want2chase3 - 2016-01-07 1:18 PM
I'd never want to shame her nor want her to feel unloved or not important... I tell her all the time I love her and I hug her ... I do genuinely care about her and what's going on in her life to make her act out they way she has been. There are times or incidences that I don't "like" her or her behavior, better yet, but I can say that same thing about my own children and my husband. Yes I'm in total agreement her father needs to step up here and try to figure out what's going on and I have told him that. I personally don't feel I'm treating her any different but I could be wrong.. if I have I'd feel really bad.
That's awesome. :-). Being a stepparent is a pretty tough, thankless job too. You have responsibility without authority. She's lucky that you do care so much for her. Growing up my relationship with my stepmom was rocky a lot. But as I got older and was able to look back on it more objectively I realized she was doing the best she could. And that she really was there for me when My own mother wasn't. We both made mistakes and I'm sure some of my behavior tried her patience. She's divorced from my dad now but we still have a good relationship - texting, I stop by her house, etc. she always still invites me to her family functions, which makes me feel good. |
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OT inappropriate / strange behavior