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Expert
Posts: 2685
   
| Not to waste anyone's time, but I literally don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't know if I want advice or comfort, or to just know that someone out there hears me.
I got engaged a while back. Date was set for April 16 this year. Up to this week, I have had two jobs (80hr/wk). Making plenty of $ to support myself, my house and my horses. Well, my SO got a major raise at work and said he wanted me to quit my second job. So, I did. This week is my replacement's last week of training. Last night my SO and I had an issue, not a big one but one where I had a right to be upset with him. I did not freak out or anything of that matter I just said that I was going to go to work (night shift) early because I didn't want either of us to say something hurtful out of frustration and blow things out of proportion. He got offended when I left. He text me when I got 10 miles from the house and said he was packing his things and leaving. All of this boils down to after a few conversations on the phone where I told him repeatedly I am not talking you out of leaving, if you aren't happy and feel like you need to leave, do so. I do not want you to leave, but I do not want you to stay if you are not happy. I asked him several times why he wanted to leave and he couldn't give me a reason. He just kept saying I don't know. He ended up saying he wanted to stay and understood that I didn't trust that he would be around much longer among the reason I was upset initially but wanted to make it all up to me... Anywho, I was offered an assistant manager job at a new, local TSC 2 days ago and because he wanted me to and I want to go back to working like a normal person, I turned it down. Now, I want to go back and ask for the job because I am not confident that I won't be single in a month or two. I don't trust him at all right now. He doesn't have a history of leaving, but anytime there is a discrepancy between us the first thing he asks is if I want him to leave and it honestly makes me feel like he doesn't have what it takes to fight for a relationship. These things aren't easy. I feel like I can't be upset when he does something hurtful because he might leave. I have never just wigged out on him. He has never wigged out on me. We have never had a "big" fight. It makes me feel like maybe he doesn't actually want to be around but doesn't have the kahonahs to just leave, so he looks for reasons. He tells me that he feels like I want him to leave when I'm upset. I have never, ever told him to leave, don't touch me, get away from me... ect. Last night was the first time I have ever even walked away after a "thing." We usually sit and talk it out and its no big deal but yesterday was the 2nd time this particular thing has happened and I wanted him to know I was legitimately upset. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.
Anywho, if I go to TSC and accept the job today that puts me working 78 hours a week. 48 hours night shift, 30 at TSC. 4 nights and 4 days. If I do this, I will sell the 2 prospects I have now because I am breeding my mare this spring and come next spring when she is due I will decide if I'm going to continue the horse thing. I have been in it my whole life and my drive for it has never been lower. I have been feeling this way for a while but especially now. I have no drive at all right now, for anything. I had every bit of wind taken from my sails last night. I don't need a man in my life but he was the first person I have ever made life decisions based of off and in the drop of a hat he is packing his stuff.
Thanks for reading my sob story. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | I have no help for you, but the weather around here has me on an up & down ride!!!
Hugs to you!!!
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 Experienced Mouse Trapper
Posts: 3106
Location: North Dakota | So, do you love him? How about yourself? Do you love her? I'm almost 41 married for 18 years-2 kids, good paying jobs, nice place etc. and there is a way to strive for happiness-everyday, some days you have to fake it. Confrontation isn't easy but when he says he's going to leave do you ever ask him why? Do either of you have good relationship roll models? If not take some time to go visit with a 3rd party. Life is give and take not 50/50, somedays each of you will think that you're giving 100%. When you quite your second job was that exciting for you to have more time? It sounds to me like you're making "long term" decisions that surround what could possibly be a "short term" issue. Trust me, big fights are fairly normal-at least at my house it is and when that happens it's because one or the other feels like they are getting the short end of the stick. Do not make quick decisions that could lead to long term misery. | |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | I think you're on the right track honestly. The only advice I have is that tonight, I would sit down and tell him exactly what you have written here. That you absolutely don't want him to leave, but that you do have the right to be upset and be able to discuss the issue with him without him threatening to leave, as that makes you put your guard up. I would tell him that if he wants to leave, now is the time, rather than every time you have a disagreement or especially after you're married. He needs to understand that kind of behavior is unnacceptable to you and that it does make you feel as if he's only committed when things are good, but when they get a bit bumpy, he's looking for the nearest fire exit. My bet is that is his way of control....it's kind of like mentally bribing you....if you get upset and want to discuss, he's out, so his thought process (whether inadvertently or not) is that if he threatens to leave, you will be hesitant to voice your feelings or opinions.
I applaud you for taking care of yourself and putting yourself first....that is the first step. I also applaud you on standing your ground. I'm a firm believer in that we teach people how to treat us. I gave my first husband everything he wanted on a silver platter....sold the horses I trained to finance his rodeo habit, worked by butt off so he could go rodeo, allowed him to manipulate me and selling my things to pay off our debts while he held onto all his things. Heck, he even got my father and the horses he raised in our divorce. That being said, I learned alot from the whole ordeal and did much better on my second marriage.
If it's worth fighting for, you need to tell him these things and he can choose whether or not it's worth fighting for to him. If it's not, ask him to leave. If it is, then you guys will be better off as you have a better idea how to work through those problems without anyone threatening to run away.
Best of luck to you and hugs. Sometimes relationships suck and are hard, but what I have found through my experiences is that when two people have the same goal, things get much easier. Even disagreements are much easier. Hope things work out for the best for you, and i'm sure they will. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders to me. | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7550
Location: In The Land of Cotton | Frankly, while this may seem a little harsh, if you put this out here for all the world to see, call the wedding off. | |
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | any chance this is pre-wedding jitters? I feel sad for you, and appreciate your side of the argument (especially trying to stay level headed here)
but I got a TINY(very very tiny) red flag when you said "where I told him repeatedly I am not talking you out of leaving, if you aren't happy and feel like you need to leave, do so." To me that sounds like 'I love you but... if you leave.. oh well I'll be fine" Sometimes you just need to feel like someone needs you, and will fight and claw for you. I understand your side of it when you say that you can stand on your own two feet and that's something a lot of people don't have and they need. But what man doesn't want to feel needed?
ETA I'm not addressing the job issue, jobs will come and go. soul mates are once in a lifetime.
Edited by Crowned Image 2016-02-03 8:43 AM
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 434
Location: Northwest Florida | So sorry to read this..
First things first, I wouldn't get married in a few months. I'm not sure if that's still on your to do list or not but I would look into some premarital counseling or take more time before you make that commitment.
I do understand, from his standpoint, why he got so upset when you left early for work. I think walking away from an argument is the worst thing you can do and my boyfriend an I have recently had a similar discussion. We rarely ever even disagree, but when something he doesn't like is said he tends to walk out the door for the same reasons you gave. I nipped that in the butt immediately and let him know that running from a not so pleasant conversation will not be tolerated. It leaves the person left behind feeling unheard, frustrated, not cared about.. It creates such a distance.. This is the happiest relationship I've been in in my life, I can't imagine life without him, but when he walked out on me trying to talk to him I was ready to pack my things, too! So I can definitely feel where you're fiance is coming from there.
As far as the job offer.. Congratulations! I'm not sure how you do it.. My one full time job is too much for me most weeks. I wouldn't go in and accept it yet without talking to him about it first. Tell him what you told us.. You're not confident in the relationship, you don't trust him to stay, and you don't want to miss this opportunity. I would then go off of his reaction. If he gets upset, angry, threatens to leave, then go take your job and help him pack. If he is apologetic for making you feel that way, reassuring that he's not going anywhere, and ready to get the relationship back on track, then you know you've got a team mate and you all can work through this.
Good luck to you and keep us posted. | |
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stuck, hung in the balance