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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
  
Location: Texas | Long story short I have a male manager that has been making everyone at our store feel uncomfortable, some worse than others( really just the girls 25yo and younger). He is 32 and his wife just left him on new years day. I have always gotten a weird vibe from him but had just assumed we just didn't really click as people since he was always super nice. The past few weeks he's been too nice though, always wanting to hang out or know what im doing or try and make plans. He was doing this with multiple girls, but mainly me. On Friday night he sent me a snapchat of his crotch area. I had posted some videos out at my barn riding and he started messaging me telling me he was envious that I was riding and then sent me a picture of his dog that was laying betweeen his legs and included a full view of his crotch, he did have pajama pants on but the image was still far too detailed for me to believe he didn't mean for it come accross the way it did(disgusting). You can't save snapchats but my friends who also works with me was there and saw it. Anyways I ended up telling one of our shift leaders and then the store manager and now it's this big deal. In a way though I feel bad, because I know the guy is going through a tough time, but really? this was just plain creepy! I just so wish he wouldn't have started to act like this because he is now obviously gonna lose his job and he doesn't have any friends & is going through a divorce. I can't help but feel bad even though I know it's the right thing. Have any of you dealt with situations like this? I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances. Is this normal or am I just extremeley unlucky with jobs? Sorry for the book, I just needed to vent. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Don't feel bad. There's no excuse. It's completely unprofessional to bring that kind of behavior to work per say, by talking/acting like that with other coworkers and employees. But because I can be too nice I'm going to say stop being so nice!! I know it's hard but completely nip things in the bud and don't add people/managers that act like that on snap chat or anything personal if you have a weird feeling. Don't feel bad about it, you'll avoid a lot of unnecessary stress this way. This is coming from someone that has been too nice to people and then always feel like I'm dealing with a creep or somethin along those lines. But don't blame yourself. It's sad, but his divorce isn't your problem and he should've taken his feeling to Craigslist casual encounters.. | |
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| You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!!
Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they
are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals
you are emitting.
wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and
you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with..
You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of
clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact
you again ...
I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having
a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind.
I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him
and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc
Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why
things are always happening to you...
If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very
important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future ..
Edited by BARRELHORSE USA 2016-02-15 11:06 PM
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Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-15 11:03 PM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. I understand where you are coming from, but I was not the first person to come forward and say something about this situation, and I have showed multiple people all the conversations and no one has said they thought I was doing anything out of line, unless they are lying to me. But most of my replies are "I know" or "yeah" or "okay". Very plain text. I would be willing to fix it if I thought I was doing something wrong but I feel like when all the girl co workers are creeped out it isn't just me being the problem.
eta: the guy does not have a good reputation, I just thought he was a nice person.
Edited by outrundaizy 2016-02-15 11:17 PM
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 A Barrel Of Monkeys
Posts: 12972
Location: Texas | Back in the day (haha), I was a very pretty, shapely blonde - back when sexual harrassment was ignored.
I learned a lot of good comebacks when asked something inappropriate, like:
Yeah, right.
In your dreams.
Is your wife coming with us?
Your horns are showing.
Of course, that was also before cell phones. I think the most important thing to remember is to display a very strong boundary at work. Fine to be friendly with coworkers, but draw a line in the sand that cannot be crossed.
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 516
| I guess if it were me I wouldn't have even had him on snapchat, nice guy or not. If he's got a bad reputation there's a reason for that.. | |
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Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | WiscoRacer - 2016-02-15 11:26 PM I guess if it were me I wouldn't have even had him on snapchat, nice guy or not. If he's got a bad reputation there's a reason for that..
I do realize that now too, he did add me on everything, but I did choose to accept it. I just never would have thought things would go down hill this quickly, lesson learned! | |
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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7268
| WiscoRacer - 2016-02-15 11:26 PM
I guess if it were me I wouldn't have even had him on snapchat, nice guy or not. If he's got a bad reputation there's a reason for that..
THIS! And gosh, his wife left him - what a surprise - NOT. He sounds VERY creepy. I would stop ALL contact with him outside of work. | |
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| So I'm confused as to why you would automatically go to your boss and co-workers before having the guts to stand up for yourself and tell him it was inappropriate and to back off. JMO | |
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 Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | First block him on all social media. Tell him it's inappropriate and ask him to stop. If he continues, go to HR. I am in HR and this is protocol. They will ask you if you have asked him to stop the behavior, so you need to cover your bases. This is completely inappropriate behavior, but you are allowing it to happen. Stand up for yourself, and don't feel sorry for him. He is a creeper. By responding to his behavior, you are saying "this is ok". He thinks by your responding, that you are allowing it. Which, you are.
Edited by Murphy 2016-02-16 7:07 AM
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 Underestimated Underdog
Posts: 3971
Location: Minnesota | Like Murphy said, block him. He should of never been added to anything like that in the first place but that can't be changed but you can most certainly block him now.
I work in management and I travel to 10 different store in my marketing company and there is one store that always seems to have these kinds of problems. There is several young(21 and younger) girls that work there and all they do is flirt and go back and forth with all the men there. Not saying that is what was happening in your case but you said this has happened at several of your past job. If you go in for an interview and they ask you why you left your last job(s) and all of your replies are the same, "unprofessional circumstances", that doesn't look good.
This should be a learning experience for you, don't mix work and personal life, ever.
Side note - Just because you are only sending one word answers back doesn't mean anything. You are conversing with him and not telling him to stop. Make your point and move on. | |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | That is why you never add managers or co-workers to your social media. Work is work, private life is private life. There is a boundary there that should not be crossed.
Just delete him from everything, and tell him clearly to stay away, you are not interested.
Oh, and don't fret about him losing his job. He is an adult that knows (or should know) that his actions have consequences.
Just take it as a leason learned for you and move on. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1631
Location: Somewhere around here | teed - 2016-02-16 5:24 AM
So I'm confused as to why you would automatically go to your boss and co-workers before having the guts to stand up for yourself and tell him it was inappropriate and to back off. JMO
I'm not confused at all! There was a man exactly like this at one of my old jobs and we had to work together at close quarters. He was creepy and old. He's gotten a girl, who worked with him, pregnant and they have a girl now but it wouldn't surprise me if he got another worker girl pregnant. I think she did the right thing going to her boss, this way no other girl who thinks "he's just being nice, kinda feel sorry for him for getting divorced" at her work place will have to go through those uncomfortable and awkward creepy moments! Not all women are strong and confident to tell a creepy guy to straight up back off. | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| I agree with barrel horse USA to an extent.
Keep your professional life professional
Do not blur the lines between professional and social.
Don't add coworkers to your personal accounts ie fb, Twitter, snapchat
If someone texts you from work about personal business, reply back please refrain from texting me about social matters, it is inappropriate.
You have to be consistent no gender discrimination, do not accept or be social with either gender.
I do believe women should be able to be confident in their own skin and not worry about the opposite sex hitting on them. However it is the woman's responsibility to not give any signals that could be misinterpreted. No touching, no speaking about social life, etc | |
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| If he's that creepy why does she have him on her media page/why is she replying to his messages-you have to take control of your own life/friends/not friends/etc... Have a backbone and take a stance don't go whining to someone else so they can take control of your life. Now with that said; if he continued after telling him to back-off, then take the next step. I had something similar happen and told the guy twice to stop-the second time I told him if he didn't back off I would go higher and file a complaint-bingo! He backed off.... Once again JMO:) | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-15 11:03 PM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. How typical of you that you want to blame her. The guy is 32 and married and she is much younger. He knows better regardless of how often she may or may not have engaged in text messaging, which according to her was very little. It is difficult for a young employee to know how to handle a situation like this from a boss. You assume she led him on, you don't know that. Yet what an insight to how creepy you are.
This guy is the manager, he should have never blurred the lines. Yes, you accepting his requests plays into it, delete him from everything.
Edited by rodeomom3 2016-02-16 7:52 AM
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 I Chore in Chucks
Posts: 2882
Location: MD | BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-16 12:03 AM
You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!!
Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they
are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals
you are emitting.
wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and
you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with..
You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of
clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact
you again ...
I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having
a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind.
I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him
and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc
Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why
things are always happening to you...
If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very
important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future ..
Right... Because men (specifically this one.) have/has/had no responsibility for his actions whatsoever in this situation.... Get your head out of your a** | |
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Midget Lover
Location: Kentucky | Crowned Image - 2016-02-16 8:52 AM BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-16 12:03 AM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. Right... Because men (specifically this one. ) have/has/had no responsibility for his actions whatsoever in this situation.... Get your head out of your a**
Exactly. Regardless if she was receptive to his "advances", in what world is it appropriate/ok to send crotch shots to someone via text/Snapchat??? Especially a 32 year old MAN? | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1273
Location: South Dakota | WiscoRacer - 2016-02-15 11:26 PM I guess if it were me I wouldn't have even had him on snapchat, nice guy or not. If he's got a bad reputation there's a reason for that..
I agree with this. I grew up long before social media but trust me there were plenty of weirdos around. We would do our best to avoid them or at least minimize contact with them. You guys are growing up in a different era but just because you can have everyone on your snapchat, don't. Keep your circle smaller and you'll be safer from the creeps like him. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. | |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | DO NOT feel guilty about what is happening because of HIS actions. He's a grown man and knows exactly how inappropriate he was being, yet chose to do it anyway. Now he must suffer the consequences. You may think you weren't doing anything to encourage it by only responding with one word texts, but guys like him will take anything and run with it. You cannot respond at all. Sending a text back gives him hope and makes him want to see just how far he can go. Cut off all communication, and if he tries to talk to you at work, tell him his manager or HR must also be present. Don't be scared to stick up for yourself! | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department.
Mitigation thru Litigation
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | 1DSoon - 2016-02-16 8:49 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. Mitigation thru Litigation
totally different....they aren't lawsuits, and normally resolved within mediation (with our office they are) | |
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Regular
Posts: 99
| Being a Human Resource Director for 19 years, you did the right thing by reporting it. His behavior off or on duty is unacceptable.  | |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-15 11:03 PM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. I rarely ever agree with BHUSA but......I have been a plant Supervisor over 125+ employees and YOUR statement puts up a LOT of "red flags"......
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Whether you realize it or not, you are probably giving off signals to these men....YOU are the one who should have been MORE professional in your job atmosphere. Additionally, YOU should have taken the steps to demand that he stop before reporting him to the Manager. Is what he did wrong and probably inapproprate...yes....but you should share some of the blame......
Edited by NJJ 2016-02-16 9:01 AM
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | I agree with BHUSA to an extent too. You are giving off mixed signals. You don't say when you starting having these conversations with him, while you were riding. (Was he still married?) I remember not long ago people on here were up in arms because someone was wanting people to text them while they were riding. You state you have been involved in 3 of these situations. Maybe it is time to think about why. After the first time, you should have known the signals and been able to put a stop to it. This as you stated was the 3rd. And, as far as others saying he is a dirty old man compared to a 25 year old, 7 years difference is not a dirty old man. Expecially for a 25 year old woman.
That being said, there is no excuse for this type of behavior from anyone in the work place. Everyone shoudl feel safe at work from unwanted advances. However, it is up to us as individuals to stop them immediately nor welcome them in the first place. Everyone seems to think it is appropriate, the right thing to do, Okay, etc to have co-workers on or as our friends on social media. IT IS NOT. It will only lead to mis understood situations, such as this.
I certainly hope that you have stopped all communication with this person and frankly any persons that you work with. And, that others will also think about having co-workers on their social media accounts. | |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Edited by NJJ 2016-02-16 9:13 AM
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | I have to agree to an extent as well with BHUSA. I'm 27. But, at 17/18 I waitressed. I was homeschooled which I think made me very naïve to the yucky in the world. I was friendly to everyone, which I now know can lead to unwanted attention. What I thought was just being nice came off as flirtatious, which was absolutely not my intent. Two managers at that restaurant asked me out on numerous occasions. Extremely unwanted advances. Both were a good number older than myself, but not "creepy old man" old. Nevertheless, I learned that being friendly just doesn't work. Ha, as sad as that is. That goes for social life as well sometimes. Unfortunately, men (not ALL, but a lot) read things much differently and will jump at the opportunity. You can be a happy, nice person without being overly friendly.
Not trying to say that's what you're doing, but I do know how easily things can get misconstrued. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| You CAN screenshot snapchats. He shouldnt have been snapchatting you anyway. If he is your boss, that is unprofessional. There are lines between employees and coworkers that shouldnt be crossed. | |
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Hate to say it norma but we actually just filed two sex complaints against an employer last week because a manager was sending sexual texts and inappropriate facebook messages, and yes they were off the clock. There was a case, went to mediation and was resolved right there in mediation. | |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:23 AM NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Sorry.........I missed that he was her Manager and not just a "co-worker"....puts a whole other "spin" on it...... | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| While his actions were inappropriate and I think you did the right thing in reporting him, there is a common denominator in your “unlucky” work history – You. You need to assess your actions and keep work strictly work. You can be nice and friendly, but have boundaries.
I work in a very male dominate field and am the only female in my office. A lot of my business is based on socializing and developing business friendships/partnerships and when you’re young and cute trust me, guys will try to make that go further than the office.
This is what I have found to be helpful:
I make it a point to be nice and friendly as far as work, but the rest of my life is private and I do not bring it to work. Do NOT add any co-workers, managers, boss/business friends/customers to any social media. If you want to “stay connected” start a LinkedIn profile.
Do not socialize outside of work with coworkers. Sometimes I have to attend dinners and there is alcohol involved, I have (maybe)1 drink, discuss work, then I’m done. I might get some smart remarks thrown at me, but I’d rather stay professional than prove I can “hang with the guys”. Also, when you get insinuating remarks, tell the guy he can’t talk to you like that. Sometimes I’m witty enough to have a good comeback that will get my point across, but if not I make it know that they cannot talk to me like that. I used to brush those comments off and ignore them, but that usually doesn’t work to stop them.
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| veintiocho - 2016-02-16 9:39 AM
While his actions were inappropriate and I think you did the right thing in reporting him, there is a common denominator in your “unlucky” work history – You. You need to assess your actions and keep work strictly work. You can be nice and friendly, but have boundaries.
I work in a very male dominate field and am the only female in my office. A lot of my business is based on socializing and developing business friendships/partnerships and when you’re young and cute trust me, guys will try to make that go further than the office.
This is what I have found to be helpful:
I make it a point to be nice and friendly as far as work, but the rest of my life is private and I do not bring it to work. Do NOT add any co-workers, managers, boss/business friends/customers to any social media. If you want to “stay connected” start a LinkedIn profile.
Do not socialize outside of work with coworkers. Sometimes I have to attend dinners and there is alcohol involved, I have (maybe)1 drink, discuss work, then I’m done. I might get some smart remarks thrown at me, but I’d rather stay professional than prove I can “hang with the guys”. Also, when you get insinuating remarks, tell the guy he can’t talk to you like that. Sometimes I’m witty enough to have a good comeback that will get my point across, but if not I make it know that they cannot talk to me like that. I used to brush those comments off and ignore them, but that usually doesn’t work to stop them.
I completely agree. I work as a supervisor in the oilfield. I don't consider myself to be unattractive. I work with, near, and over well over 500 men on a daily basis. My bosses have always been men. I have never reported anyone. I am kind, open, and helpful with a smile, but I never, ever get propositioned or made to feel uncomfortable anymore. The few times it happened, it was because I was unconsciously encouraging it. Just being nice and friendly can be interpreted wrongly. I can think of one guy, one time, that I needed to say something and dropped a, "Please tell him to stop talking to me." That's where it died. I had to be the responsible one and be a lady and also unapproachable for anything but the job. Men treat you how you require them to.
You need to learn how to handle yourself. You need to learn how to do your job well, efficiently, and to come across as open and business like rather than friendly and an available female.
Everyone can bash the man all they want, but a female in a working environment needs to learn how to get respect and cooperation instead of creepy behavior. Some men truly are creepy, but you need to be able to read that and handle it early for your own safety. Nobody in this world is going (or even has to) take care of us like we can take care of ourselves.
You need to take a good hard look at your behavior, and how your are harming your future with the record you've already got. Honestly if you were wanting to come work for me, I wouldn't hire you because of your employment history. I wouldn't think you could handle it. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | classicpotatochip - 2016-02-16 10:38 AM
veintiocho - 2016-02-16 9:39 AM
While his actions were inappropriate and I think you did the right thing in reporting him, there is a common denominator in your “unlucky” work history – You. You need to assess your actions and keep work strictly work. You can be nice and friendly, but have boundaries.
I work in a very male dominate field and am the only female in my office. A lot of my business is based on socializing and developing business friendships/partnerships and when you’re young and cute trust me, guys will try to make that go further than the office.
This is what I have found to be helpful:
I make it a point to be nice and friendly as far as work, but the rest of my life is private and I do not bring it to work. Do NOT add any co-workers, managers, boss/business friends/customers to any social media. If you want to “stay connected” start a LinkedIn profile.
Do not socialize outside of work with coworkers. Sometimes I have to attend dinners and there is alcohol involved, I have (maybe)1 drink, discuss work, then I’m done. I might get some smart remarks thrown at me, but I’d rather stay professional than prove I can “hang with the guys”. Also, when you get insinuating remarks, tell the guy he can’t talk to you like that. Sometimes I’m witty enough to have a good comeback that will get my point across, but if not I make it know that they cannot talk to me like that. I used to brush those comments off and ignore them, but that usually doesn’t work to stop them.
I completely agree. I work as a supervisor in the oilfield. I don't consider myself to be unattractive. I work with, near, and over well over 500 men on a daily basis. My bosses have always been men. I have never reported anyone. I am kind, open, and helpful with a smile, but I never, ever get pro positioned or made to feel uncomfortable anymore. The few times it happened, it was because I was unconsciously encouraging it. Just being nice and friendly can be interpreted wrongly. I can think of one guy, one time, that I needed to say something and dropped a, "Please tell him to stop talking to me." That's where it died. I had to be the responsible one and be a lady and also unapproachable for anything but the job. Men treat you how you require them to.
You need to learn how to handle yourself. You need to learn how to do your job well, efficiently, and to come across as open and business like rather than friendly and an available female.
Everyone can bash the man all they want, but a female in a working environment needs to learn how to get respect and cooperation instead of creepy behavior. Some men truly are creepy, but you need to be able to read that and handle it early for your own safety. Nobody in this world is going (or even has to ) take care of us like we can take care of ourselves.
You need to take a good hard look at your behavior, and how your are harming your future with the record you've already got. Honestly if you were wanting to come work for me, I wouldn't hire you because of your employment history. I wouldn't think you could handle it.
Couldn't agree more with everything you just said.
I worked at a car dealership when I was 22, fit and had long blonde hair. It was so incredibly important that I conducted myself professionally. Only engaged in enough conversation to be polite, unless it was about work. The salesmen were all very attentive at first, until they realized I was only there for ONE reason, to do my job.
I definitely agree that the OP should evaluate what kind of mixed signals she's giving.
I know people my age use Snapchat as a "communication" tool in their minds, but it is a SEXTING APP. That is why it was developed in the first place. Completely inappropriate to have anyone you work with added on there. | |
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| I have worked in similar situations as classicpotatochip and veintiocho. I tried to go the extra mile when one of the guys needed something, but none of them would come into my office to chit-chat. I wasn't an outright b*tch, but there was a definite line that conversation didn't go off work. | |
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:23 AM
NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Why is the individual who reported the man Facebook friends with a coworker?
Why does the man have her cell number?
I'm sorry by work life should not interfere with my personal life and the lines should not be blurred.
My boss, nor are any of my co workers my Facebook friends | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7551
Location: In The Land of Cotton | cheryl makofka - 2016-02-16 12:31 PM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:23 AM NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances. Why is the individual who reported the man Facebook friends with a coworker? Why does the man have her cell number? I'm sorry by work life should not interfere with my personal life and the lines should not be blurred. My boss, nor are any of my co workers my Facebook friends
And, she never did answer, when was she friends with him? Before he divorced? Which to me was a big no no too. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1079
| Facebook is one thing, snapchat is something entirely different. I do not have any of my coworkers as FB friends but I could probably. Snapchat, no. Hell no. I won't say he's 100% at fault, I won't say you are 100% at fault. But given your own described history, I'm thinking you are encouraging this more than you think you are. You already knew he was a weirdo, you shouldn't have accepted his request. You most definitely shouldn't have included him in your snaps.
I would start drawing a big line between work and play going forward. And set an immidiate boundry between you and this guy, starting with deleting social media connections.
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Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | cheryl makofka - 2016-02-16 11:31 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:23 AM NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances. Why is the individual who reported the man Facebook friends with a coworker? Why does the man have her cell number? I'm sorry by work life should not interfere with my personal life and the lines should not be blurred. My boss, nor are any of my co workers my Facebook friends
From my understanding, alot of companies have polices regarding being friends with people are facebook....typically a big no no if someone is in a management position. Especially HR positions as well. I'm not friends with any co-workers, and don't intend to be. But some people are stupid and make that mistake, these girls only gave him a phone number because they were car salesmen, and had to stay in touch with the manager......he took it too far.
But no in a general rule you both shouldn't be mixed so I can see the understanding. Either way, it's gross.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 915
Location: SE KS | NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:00 AM
BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-15 11:03 PM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. I rarely ever agree with BHUSA but......I have been a plant Supervisor over 125+ employees and YOUR statement puts up a LOT of "red flags"......I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.Whether you realize it or not, you are probably giving off signals to these men....YOU are the one who should have been MORE professional in your job atmosphere. Additionally, YOU should have taken the steps to demand that he stop before reporting him to the Manager. Is what he did wrong and probably inapproprate...yes....but you should share some of the blame......
Agree | |
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 Own It and Move On
Location: The edge of no where | cheryl makofka - 2016-02-16 11:31 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 9:23 AM NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:11 AM hoofs_in_motion - 2016-02-16 8:46 AM I work in the discrimination "business".....that is sex discrimination. And honestly if I were you, and nothing is resolved from the situtation, I would contact your state's human rights commission and file a sex discrimination complaint against the employer. There are discrimination laws in place, and regardless of if BHUSA or whatever his name is thinks you are giving mixed signals......it's not right. Block him from social media, if it continues file a grievance within the company....and if it worsens, file a sex and retaliation complaint with the Human rights department. If you work in the discrimination business, then you are well aware that this did NOT happen in the workplace and that they will certainly bring up her past history........his Employer has no fault in "this" incident......IF it continues (or happens) in the work place, then she would have a case against the Employer.....Been there....done that.....
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances. Why is the individual who reported the man Facebook friends with a coworker? Why does the man have her cell number? I'm sorry by work life should not interfere with my personal life and the lines should not be blurred. My boss, nor are any of my co workers my Facebook friends
Many jobs require that you cell phone number is given to your co-workers. All of mine have.... list published internally. | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | I totally understand the point of not having coworkers as FB friends, however I do socialize with some of my coworkers outside of work because we have actually become friends. I work in a tiny office (we are down to 6 people, 4 women and 2 men) and we're very close-knit, so being FB friends is natural. I am not FB friends with my male boss, because he doesn't use FB. Even if he did, I wouldn't have a problem being his "friend" because we have a good relationship, and everyone here respects everyone else. My other male coworker has FB, but I'm not his friend because his wife is a controlling psycho, so he's not allowed to have female "friends" that are not also "friends" with his wife (he is an extremely upstanding guy, she's just really insecure). No big deal, I honestly don't care. There was another male coworker at one time that I was FB friends with too (still am, even though he no longer works here). I also have all of their personal cell phone numbers.
So my point is, you CAN be FB friends with coworkers of both sexes and it not be a big deal. It only becomes a problem if you LET it. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Maybe you're sending real flirtatious signals and maybe you're not. Now of days it can sometimes be hard to decipher between creepiness and chivalry. If you aren't being flirtatious, but think you're being simply nice, reevaluate your actions. Some people can take a small smile and turn it into you wanting their d**k. That sounds crude but true. Look at your actions and see if there's a pattern. And let me add I'm not trying to blame this on you or the victims. I'm just adding insight like others because it seems there's a pattern. | |
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 Warmblood with Wings
Posts: 27846
Location: Florida.. | both your faults IMO... why are you snapchatting with him..? if this has happened to other employers then you must be partly to blame.. you should not mix business with pleasure and he is wrong I agree 100% but you need to make some changes as well.. | |
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 Three in a Bikini
Posts: 2035
| lhighquality - 2016-02-16 10:00 AM
NJJ - 2016-02-16 9:00 AM
BARRELHORSE USA - 2016-02-15 11:03 PM You are having too many encounters of the 3rd kind .. so stop flirting and sending the wrong messages at work and become a co-worker and make your friends elsewhere and private from work!! Somehow you are giving an Ok or a green light signal to the guys and they are treating you like another guy or trying to take you up on the signals you are emitting. wear your business hat at work and don't share your personal stuff at work and you can wear your party hat on your own time with people you do not work with.. You are giving this guy a pity party right now by reporting him instead of clearing your phone and telling him in no uncertain terms never to contact you again ... I am not being mean ... but you overlook the fact you and the guy were having a phone chat while you were riding horses and somehow the conversation got out of hand in your mind. I would love to look at the history of your phone conversations with him and see what was really going on ... and how often you talked or texted etc Sorry for the fatherly advice but I think you need to take a hard look why things are always happening to you... If this guy has a good reputation etc etc ... they may be re-viewing the store videos to see what both of you were doing to create this situation so everything may backfire in your direction ... one can only hope both of you learn a very important lesson and abide by what you learned in the future .. I rarely ever agree with BHUSA but......I have been a plant Supervisor over 125+ employees and YOUR statement puts up a LOT of "red flags"......I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.Whether you realize it or not, you are probably giving off signals to these men....YOU are the one who should have been MORE professional in your job atmosphere. Additionally, YOU should have taken the steps to demand that he stop before reporting him to the Manager. Is what he did wrong and probably inapproprate...yes....but you should share some of the blame......
Agree
Agree.
I work in a male dominated industry and have never had a reportable issue. If a line was ever crossed it was quickly shut down. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | 3canstorun - 2016-02-16 9:00 AM I agree with BHUSA to an extent too. You are giving off mixed signals. You don't say when you starting having these conversations with him, while you were riding. (Was he still married?) I remember not long ago people on here were up in arms because someone was wanting people to text them while they were riding. You state you have been involved in 3 of these situations. Maybe it is time to think about why. After the first time, you should have known the signals and been able to put a stop to it. This as you stated was the 3rd. And, as far as others saying he is a dirty old man compared to a 25 year old, 7 years difference is not a dirty old man. Expecially for a 25 year old woman.
That being said, there is no excuse for this type of behavior from anyone in the work place. Everyone shoudl feel safe at work from unwanted advances. However, it is up to us as individuals to stop them immediately nor welcome them in the first place. Everyone seems to think it is appropriate, the right thing to do, Okay, etc to have co-workers on or as our friends on social media. IT IS NOT. It will only lead to mis understood situations, such as this.
I certainly hope that you have stopped all communication with this person and frankly any persons that you work with. And, that others will also think about having co-workers on their social media accounts.
I think he probably did feel safe, that's why he sent her a teaser pic.
I agree with everyone else who is saying she might share some of the blame, considering her work history.
3canstorun, I agree, it is up to us to stop unwanted behavior. As I see it, the problem is that the op is a member of a procected class of people. She is a female and, if she makes a complaint against a male co-worker, the penalties for that male can be way harsh. That is where I disagree with federal law. There was a time when such laws were necessary. I, too, lived through times when harassment was largely ignored. Those laws were necessary. But, I also believe that time has passed. They need to expand the laws to include all persons, of every gender or preference. Fact is, when a guy gets harassed, he does not have the same recourse. The federal law also needs to include a step where the accused is notified to stop the behavior before life altering consequences are levied (i.e. job loss, write-ups that follow them forever). It is up to us to stop the unwanted behavior. Employers should realize that not everyone is comfortable talking directly with the accused. The employer should be allowed to mediate first, before the hammer comes down. The federal law can also include provisions for extreme cases without extremely punishing the accused who might have thought their advances were wanted. As it is now, a woman wispers "sexual harassment" and the accused is put through the ringer. | |
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Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | First off, I completely understand why people would assume it's me especially with the history and everything.
I can assure you that I am not flirting. I honestly don't talk to him much in person unless it is with a group. He always tries to have conversations with me, but they are usually left short because I just don't let the conversation carry on.
I have never had contact with a manager outside of the workplace until this job and since everyone else at work had added him on their stuff I went a long with it(my fault, yes, but will I ever allow it again? no) My immediate reaction to the snapchat was "WTF". & I would have told him off for even thinking that was OK but again, he is my manager. I see this man almost every day. I called a couple friends and was advised to just not respond.
I was not going to tell anyone on him, I would have preferred to just say "Hey, back off" but another co worker, also female and close to my age, told me she was feeling uncomfortable so I told her I was as well and she knew several other girls and our shift leader were all feeling the same way. That's how I ended up telling.
Anyways thank you everyone for sharing your concerns.. Right or wrong it's gonna be a good life lesson in the end. | |
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 Toastest with the Mostest
Posts: 5712
Location: That part of Texas | outrundaizy - 2016-02-16 11:15 PM I was not going to tell anyone on him, I would have preferred to just say "Hey, back off" but another co worker, also female and close to my age, told me she was feeling uncomfortable so I told her I was as well and she knew several other girls and our shift leader were all feeling the same way. That's how I ended up telling.
Do you know if anybody of the group actually confronted him about the behavior or even voiced a concern back? I'm just curious but completely understand if nobody did given the age that you guys are at and the fact he was your boss. Unfortunately, your not alone on facing a sticky situation like this.
My best advice -- given this episode and the others you've eluded to -- is to look into learning more about "boundaries" (Google it) and how you can become better at establishing and maintaining them in all your relationships. Townsend and Cloud have a good book about them that's worth the money to buy or at least checkout from your local library. From personal experience I can tell you it's not the easiest thing to work on but it's one of the best things you can ever learn that will pay off in so many areas of your life.
When you have good (or better) boundaries, you find yourself becoming that person who can handle situations like this with ease. You grow more comfortable in dealing with stuff before it goes to far. You get good at saying no in more contexts than just one. You become the person the boss wants to hear from because you can address issues in a candid manner and will become known as someone who "shoots straight" on matters people like to dodge around. You'll learn how to shut stuff like this down before it becomes an HR issue if possible. It's worth looking into.
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Good advice! You're not alone, I've been working on it too. It feels so empowering! I have no problem standing up to a stranger but have a hard time doing it with people I'm close to. It takes work but feels great. | |
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 Experienced Mouse Trapper
Posts: 3106
Location: North Dakota | Red Raider - 2016-02-17 3:49 PM outrundaizy - 2016-02-16 11:15 PM I was not going to tell anyone on him, I would have preferred to just say "Hey, back off" but another co worker, also female and close to my age, told me she was feeling uncomfortable so I told her I was as well and she knew several other girls and our shift leader were all feeling the same way. That's how I ended up telling.
Do you know if anybody of the group actually confronted him about the behavior or even voiced a concern back? I'm just curious but completely understand if nobody did given the age that you guys are at and the fact he was your boss. Unfortunately, your not alone on facing a sticky situation like this.
My best advice -- given this episode and the others you've eluded to -- is to look into learning more about "boundaries" (Google it) and how you can become better at establishing and maintaining them in all your relationships. Townsend and Cloud have a good book about them that's worth the money to buy or at least checkout from your local library. From personal experience I can tell you it's not the easiest thing to work on but it's one of the best things you can ever learn that will pay off in so many areas of your life.
When you have good (or better) boundaries, you find yourself becoming that person who can handle situations like this with ease. You grow more comfortable in dealing with stuff before it goes to far. You get good at saying no in more contexts than just one. You become the person the boss wants to hear from because you can address issues in a candid manner and will become known as someone who "shoots straight" on matters people like to dodge around. You'll learn how to shut stuff like this down before it becomes an HR issue if possible. It's worth looking into.
 I just want to mention that I AM the straight shooter.....my boss doesn't like what I have to say because I tell it like it is and he's the one that REALLY doesn't want to HAVE to do anything....I'm now going to go look up boundaries and ways to say NO "candidly"......To the OP-I've NEVER had someone overstep their bounds with me at work. Clear and Concise even BEFORE the possible issue happens is how to get through life-(even though sometimes I wonder if there is anyone that even thinks of me in that sense) LOL~ | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | LMS - 2016-02-17 5:27 PM Red Raider - 2016-02-17 3:49 PM outrundaizy - 2016-02-16 11:15 PM I was not going to tell anyone on him, I would have preferred to just say "Hey, back off" but another co worker, also female and close to my age, told me she was feeling uncomfortable so I told her I was as well and she knew several other girls and our shift leader were all feeling the same way. That's how I ended up telling.
Do you know if anybody of the group actually confronted him about the behavior or even voiced a concern back? I'm just curious but completely understand if nobody did given the age that you guys are at and the fact he was your boss. Unfortunately, your not alone on facing a sticky situation like this.
My best advice -- given this episode and the others you've eluded to -- is to look into learning more about "boundaries" (Google it) and how you can become better at establishing and maintaining them in all your relationships. Townsend and Cloud have a good book about them that's worth the money to buy or at least checkout from your local library. From personal experience I can tell you it's not the easiest thing to work on but it's one of the best things you can ever learn that will pay off in so many areas of your life.
When you have good (or better) boundaries, you find yourself becoming that person who can handle situations like this with ease. You grow more comfortable in dealing with stuff before it goes to far. You get good at saying no in more contexts than just one. You become the person the boss wants to hear from because you can address issues in a candid manner and will become known as someone who "shoots straight" on matters people like to dodge around. You'll learn how to shut stuff like this down before it becomes an HR issue if possible. It's worth looking into.
I just want to mention that I AM the straight shooter.....my boss doesn't like what I have to say because I tell it like it is and he's the one that REALLY doesn't want to HAVE to do anything....I'm now going to go look up boundaries and ways to say NO "candidly"......To the OP-I've NEVER had someone overstep their bounds with me at work. Clear and Concise even BEFORE the possible issue happens is how to get through life- (even though sometimes I wonder if there is anyone that even thinks of me in that sense ) LOL~
you sound like a pleasure to be around.
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Experienced Mouse Trapper
Posts: 3106
Location: North Dakota | 1DSoon - 2016-02-18 7:02 AM LMS - 2016-02-17 5:27 PM Red Raider - 2016-02-17 3:49 PM outrundaizy - 2016-02-16 11:15 PM I was not going to tell anyone on him, I would have preferred to just say "Hey, back off" but another co worker, also female and close to my age, told me she was feeling uncomfortable so I told her I was as well and she knew several other girls and our shift leader were all feeling the same way. That's how I ended up telling.
Do you know if anybody of the group actually confronted him about the behavior or even voiced a concern back? I'm just curious but completely understand if nobody did given the age that you guys are at and the fact he was your boss. Unfortunately, your not alone on facing a sticky situation like this.
My best advice -- given this episode and the others you've eluded to -- is to look into learning more about "boundaries" (Google it) and how you can become better at establishing and maintaining them in all your relationships. Townsend and Cloud have a good book about them that's worth the money to buy or at least checkout from your local library. From personal experience I can tell you it's not the easiest thing to work on but it's one of the best things you can ever learn that will pay off in so many areas of your life.
When you have good (or better) boundaries, you find yourself becoming that person who can handle situations like this with ease. You grow more comfortable in dealing with stuff before it goes to far. You get good at saying no in more contexts than just one. You become the person the boss wants to hear from because you can address issues in a candid manner and will become known as someone who "shoots straight" on matters people like to dodge around. You'll learn how to shut stuff like this down before it becomes an HR issue if possible. It's worth looking into.
I just want to mention that I AM the straight shooter.....my boss doesn't like what I have to say because I tell it like it is and he's the one that REALLY doesn't want to HAVE to do anything....I'm now going to go look up boundaries and ways to say NO "candidly"......To the OP-I've NEVER had someone overstep their bounds with me at work. Clear and Concise even BEFORE the possible issue happens is how to get through life- (even though sometimes I wonder if there is anyone that even thinks of me in that sense ) LOL~
"hello pot.....this is the kettle" | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | Sorry to bring this back up, but the idea of "never socialize with your coworkers" has really been bugging me. It just seems so cold. Those of you who think coworkers should only ever be coworkers must be really fun to work with. Had it not been for a coworker, I never would have met my husband. At a job I worked at many years ago, I became really good friends with a girl I worked with, and we hung out regularly on the weekends. One evening she invited me out because her brother's friend/coworker was celebrating his completion of EMT training. The brother's friend is now my husband. So if we all had the attitude of "you're my coworker and that's IT", then we never would have met.
I mean geeze, coworkers are people too, and it's ok to have friendly relationships with people you see every day, as long as you know where the boundaries are. The previously mentioned friend actually got promoted, so was my direct supervisor for a little while. We were mature enough to understand that we had to have a professional relationship at work, and that if she ever had to reprimand me or whatever, that I wouldn't take it personally, that it's just business. Luckily that never happened, and I moved on to another place of employment after I graduated college.
I also invited all of my coworkers to my wedding.
So my point is, don't alienate people because they're "just a coworker" because you never know where those relationships may take you  | |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| A very long time ago I signed up with one of those employment agency type places and they placed me with a pretty prominent well known Arcitect. He turned out to be a total perv... I mean, no holding back perv... very blatantly made comments on my anatomy... would look me up and down.. creeped me out.. I was pretty young and inexperienced in the workforce but wanted the job to learn and the pay was awesome. I lasted about two weeks and I went into the employment agency and told my agent what was happening and how uncomfortable I was. They pulled me from the job right then and there, sent me home and said they'd find something else for me. Well that was the last time I heard from them.. wouldn't take my calls or return my calls.. I'm pretty sure they just put another dancing chicken on his stage. Wish I knew then what I know now! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 634
| Good advice! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 634
| Bibliafarm - 2016-02-16 5:42 PM
both your faults IMO... why are you snapchatting with him..? if this has happened to other employers then you must be partly to blame.. you should not mix business with pleasure and he is wrong I agree 100% but you need to make some changes as well..
I agree with this. She let it go too far. She sounds young, so hopefully she learned her lesson. DO NOT SNAPCHAT WITH YOUR BOSS! | |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Gunner11 - 2016-02-24 10:26 AM Sorry to bring this back up, but the idea of "never socialize with your coworkers" has really been bugging me. It just seems so cold. Those of you who think coworkers should only ever be coworkers must be really fun to work with. Had it not been for a coworker, I never would have met my husband. At a job I worked at many years ago, I became really good friends with a girl I worked with, and we hung out regularly on the weekends. One evening she invited me out because her brother's friend/coworker was celebrating his completion of EMT training. The brother's friend is now my husband. So if we all had the attitude of "you're my coworker and that's IT", then we never would have met. I mean geeze, coworkers are people too, and it's ok to have friendly relationships with people you see every day, as long as you know where the boundaries are. The previously mentioned friend actually got promoted, so was my direct supervisor for a little while. We were mature enough to understand that we had to have a professional relationship at work, and that if she ever had to reprimand me or whatever, that I wouldn't take it personally, that it's just business. Luckily that never happened, and I moved on to another place of employment after I graduated college. I also invited all of my coworkers to my wedding. So my point is, don't alienate people because they're "just a coworker" because you never know where those relationships may take you
I think you are mixing apples with oranges......you were a girl/girl friend combination......when you start to socialize with the opposite sex, things don't always go well. Additionally, it is REALLY inappropriate to socialize with a male boss.......... | |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | NJJ - 2016-02-24 1:51 PM
Gunner11 - 2016-02-24 10:26 AM Sorry to bring this back up, but the idea of "never socialize with your coworkers" has really been bugging me. It just seems so cold. Those of you who think coworkers should only ever be coworkers must be really fun to work with. Had it not been for a coworker, I never would have met my husband. At a job I worked at many years ago, I became really good friends with a girl I worked with, and we hung out regularly on the weekends. One evening she invited me out because her brother's friend/coworker was celebrating his completion of EMT training. The brother's friend is now my husband. So if we all had the attitude of "you're my coworker and that's IT", then we never would have met. I mean geeze, coworkers are people too, and it's ok to have friendly relationships with people you see every day, as long as you know where the boundaries are. The previously mentioned friend actually got promoted, so was my direct supervisor for a little while. We were mature enough to understand that we had to have a professional relationship at work, and that if she ever had to reprimand me or whatever, that I wouldn't take it personally, that it's just business. Luckily that never happened, and I moved on to another place of employment after I graduated college. I also invited all of my coworkers to my wedding. So my point is, don't alienate people because they're "just a coworker" because you never know where those relationships may take you
I'm addressing everyone who said to keep work life and private life completely separate, and to not add ANY coworkers to social media or socialize outside of work, regardless of gender. Yes, it is possible to socialize with male colleagues outside of work and it not be inappropriate. I have done it and it's never been an issue. | |
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| Wow....just wow.
The OP may have not used the best judgement in mixing social media with work but the bottom line is that it is ALWAYS the manager that is responsible for making sure no lines are crossed. Even if she did give off inappropriate signals, its still the manager's responsibility to behave in a professional manner.
OP, you got some great advice on learning to be more assertive about boundries and honestly, while none of this is your fault, if you were my daughter I'd advise you to be very careful about social media usage, especially with the opposite gender. It's just too easy for the line to get crossed. You did the right thing in reporting your manager's behavior to his superiors. I believe you are legally obligated to share inappropriate behavior as this puts you, your co-workers and the company at risk. If he retaliates in any way, shape or form, you need to report that as well. | |
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Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | Cowpony64 - 2016-02-24 4:38 PM Wow....just wow.
The OP may have not used the best judgement in mixing social media with work but the bottom line is that it is ALWAYS the manager that is responsible for making sure no lines are crossed. Even if she did give off inappropriate signals, its still the manager's responsibility to behave in a professional manner.
OP, you got some great advice on learning to be more assertive about boundries and honestly, while none of this is your fault, if you were my daughter I'd advise you to be very careful about social media usage, especially with the opposite gender. It's just too easy for the line to get crossed. You did the right thing in reporting your manager's behavior to his superiors. I believe you are legally obligated to share inappropriate behavior as this puts you, your co-workers and the company at risk. If he retaliates in any way, shape or form, you need to report that as well. Unfortunately, I think you missed this part of her post.......probably the reason that she is getting a "little" of the blame.......
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Edited by NJJ 2016-02-24 5:45 PM
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Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | NJJ - 2016-02-24 5:44 PM Cowpony64 - 2016-02-24 4:38 PM Wow....just wow.
The OP may have not used the best judgement in mixing social media with work but the bottom line is that it is ALWAYS the manager that is responsible for making sure no lines are crossed. Even if she did give off inappropriate signals, its still the manager's responsibility to behave in a professional manner.
OP, you got some great advice on learning to be more assertive about boundries and honestly, while none of this is your fault, if you were my daughter I'd advise you to be very careful about social media usage, especially with the opposite gender. It's just too easy for the line to get crossed. You did the right thing in reporting your manager's behavior to his superiors. I believe you are legally obligated to share inappropriate behavior as this puts you, your co-workers and the company at risk. If he retaliates in any way, shape or form, you need to report that as well. Unfortunately, I think you missed this part of her post.......probably the reason that she is getting a "little" of the blame.......
I've had 6 jobs over the last 4 years, this will be my 2nd manager to get fired over harrassment reasons, the other one also mainly dealt with me as well, and every other job i've also left due to unprofessional circumstances.
Just to clarify- the other manager was way worse than this one. He clearly wanted a real relationship with me and I did set boundaries and no lines were ever crossed it was just the comments that he would consistently say. Until he crossed a line with another co worker of mine who then reported it. The others I labelled as "unproffesional circumstances" because they were in no way shape or form harrasment or sexual of any means. Just managers that were unprofessional to the point that I did not want to be associated with.
I am a very innocent girl and do not promote any kind of unprofessional behavior or act in any way that I believe would give off a vibe of flirting or something more than that.
I do agree I should have 1. Never accepted any of his requests to follow/add me on things and 2. Never let the friendship become personal/outside of work. I have fully accepted blame on my part for this.
Also in my own defense this situation was nothing like the first and didn't have any of the same kind of red flags. Totally new scenario and served as a great learning lesson.
Anyways maybe I didn't make my point clear enough in the thread, but just wanted to know if people dealt with this in all kinds of jobs and not just entry level/minimum wage type work. Thank you everyone for the advice, it is much appreciated.
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| I didn't miss it Norma. Let me repeat, despite ANY of the OP's behaviors, she is not to blame. The burden of responsibility falls solely on her manager. Suggesting she is to blame in any capacity is like blaming a rape victim because she/he was wearing suggestive clothing. I do believe the OP should make sure her behavior isn't suggestive, but from a work perspective, this falls completely on her manager.
Edited by Cowpony64 2016-02-24 6:53 PM
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 Strong Willed Woman
Posts: 6577
Location: Prosser, WA | Cowpony64 - 2016-02-24 4:49 PM
I didn't miss it Norma. Let me repeat, despite ANY of the OP's behaviors, she is not to blame. The burden of responsibility falls solely on her manager. Suggesting she is to blame in any capacity is like blaming a rape victim because she/he was wearing suggestive clothing. I do believe the OP should make sure her behavior isn't suggestive, but from a work perspective, this falls completely on her manager.
This. Exactly. | |
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OT- dealing with inappropriate behavior at work(vent)