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 Expert
Posts: 1304
 
| What do you do when someone won't make a compromise in a relationship, friendship, etc? May seem like an easy question to most but when it's something big, and you don't want to make the decision to choose between option A or B and you want to compromise, but the other person won't compromise between two situations..how do you handle that? How do you convey the benefits of a compromise? How do you deal with this in general and what's a positive, effective way to approach it? I'd like realistic answers that are respectful and not stooping to how the other person, not wanting to compromise, is acting. |
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 No Tune in a Bucket
Posts: 2935
  
Location: Texas | Honestly, I would probably walk away from this friendship/relationship. If it always has to be 'their' way, that is not a person that I want to deal with. |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| If they won't compromise, then you can't either, I would have to walk away from the relationship based on what info you have supplied. It's hard - I know - I've been there. |
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Expert
Posts: 1314
Location: North Central Iowa Land of white frozen grass | There are a lot of people in this world to have to live or be around someone that is a pain. If it has to be their way all the time you will regret this relationship the longer it goes on. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| You all have made some good/true points..I feel that when I even dabble around this topic my heart or feelings look like their pleading my case and not facts, etc so I'm trying to figure out an effective way to approach coming to an agreement and the benefits instead of just feelings talking. |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | for those of you that automatically say "walk away"
What if your option, whether it be A or B is the wrong one?
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | To me the question is whether or not they NEVER compromise or is it just a few times. And honestly what if your friend won't compromise because they know they are right. Depends on the issue. There have been a number of times with my husband I have had to force the issue and he admits later I was right to do it that way. That being said when it is something small and I don't have to be right or am not 100 percent certain on it then I generally give in pretty easy. |
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 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | You have to pick your battles.
I'm in that situation right now...I caved, not happy about the situation and 'just dealing' with it. It is a family situation that was supposed to help out for a few months, turned into (currently) 6 months.
Question is, can you deal with it or walk away. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | there is simply not enough info to just say leave.Is it an ongoing issue?Is it a life changing situation.will someone be hurt by the compromise? Do you feel you are genuinely trying to compromise,or do you just want your way? Life is short,pick your battles,choose to be happy.If the situation is not gonna go your way,and you just cant live with it,move on,be happy,and let the other person be happy as well. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you for all of the responses. Honestly..I think it's going to come down to me picking between someone I love and my dog. I feel we can compromise, but I don't think he feels that way. I've made a pros and cons list for leaving things the way they are, having it his way, and then a compromise so maybe we can lay this all out on the table. If he's not willing to compromise over a dog, I'm not so sure I'm really important to him or not..I hope it doesn't get to that point but I feel that it's going to.
ETA: I'm not getting rid of my dog.
Edited by blccwgl55 2016-05-22 11:41 AM
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | blccwgl55 - 2016-05-22 12:40 PM Thank you for all of the responses. Honestly..I think it's going to come down to me picking between someone I love and my dog. I feel we can compromise, but I don't think he feels that way. I've made a pros and cons list for leaving things the way they are, having it his way, and then a compromise so maybe we can lay this all out on the table. If he's not willing to compromise over a dog, I'm not so sure I'm really important to him or not..I hope it doesn't get to that point but I feel that it's going to. ETA: I'm not getting rid of my dog.
well,that just made it TONS easier for me...I wouldnt ever give up my dogs,FOR ANYONE.im thinking he knew about the dog,so,he would be gone,thats a simple one for me lol.Its a shame you are having to choose,and that you will be hurt no matter what emotionally,im sorry |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8552
Location: sunny california | it depends. Does the dog practically put him in the hospital over an allergy? Is the dog a bad one? does he bite? have you allowed the dog to chew up his things or potty all over? It could be he is more frustrated with you to allow a dog to misbehave. If the guy just doesn't want to be tied to a dog or can't handle dog breath then he needs to go. |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 331
Location: Oklahoma | Nope would NEVER give up my dogs! They are a part of the FAMILY. My husband knew I had and will always have dogs. He knew if he wanted me he had to take my dogs. Good luck - sorry you are being put in this situation. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| My dog generally speaking doesn't like men, especially on the younger side. My dog has ran and pooped everywhere in the past out of fright and I believe spite. I totally understand that that is a problem. Unfortunately he's not the kind of dog you can physically discipline, like the plenty of dogs I've had before. The boyfriend spanked him for pooping and it's been even worse since then. It also doesn't help that he doesn't like dogs sleeping with him, etc so there's a distance between them that I'm not sure can be fixed. MY compromise, would be that if we were to live together that the dog would obviously remain 100% my responsibility as it's always been, he could stay outside or kenneled, in a room if cold during the day while we're gone. He could spend some time with me in the evening on my lap watching TV, etc, and then kenneled/in his own bed at night. He doesn't do this behavior anymore because he's not dealt with him alone since. Bradley does hide or goes in my room if he comes over. I feel my compromise is fair because he won't be inside alone/around him a lot to where he could continue this behavior. The pooping really went on in the beginning when he would try to go to my apartment before me or walk him for me when I wasn't there. He hasn't been alone with him so we don't face this issue anymore. It doesn't help that both him and the dog could care less to be around eachother so here we are! I know that his pottying like that in the beginning is an issue and really gave my boyfriend a bad taste in his mouth but it was so long ago (2014), and you have to put forth effort to try and mend the relationship because dogs don't forget. I don't feel this is something that I should have to choose between. If Bradley continued this behavior now or was a biter, I'd understand..
Edited to fix my grammar
Edited by blccwgl55 2016-05-22 12:44 PM
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The Advice Guru
Posts: 6419
| Being devils advocate here.
If you are not willing to re home the dog, then you must not care about the relationship either.
I get where he is coming from, if the dog is going to have accidents or deliberately soiling in the house you two are living together, his belongings could be ruined, then what is he supposed to do.
He may like a clean house, and if the dog keeps doing his thing in the house, it is hard to get that smell out.
Do I think it is fair for the dog to be kenneled as much as you are saying, absolutely not, he may be thinking this way too.
Do I think it is appropriate that during the evening you are cuddled up with the dog instead of your man, nope. As this is telling me the priority is the dog not the relationship.
I think there is possibly some underlying issues |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| I understand where you're coming from as well. We've had some issues that I've gotten over and forgiven him for so I guess I'm bitter and don't understand why he can't do the same for me. He wants a dog and I just feel like I'm going to be upset when he gets a dog, but we couldn't keep mine. I've seriously considered rehoming him but it worries me because he's a rescue and I'm afraid for finding him a good match. I also feel that this dog has been my responsibility and I would feel incredibly guilty for rehoming him. I also get upset because I don't feel like my boyfriend has tried to be nice to him, and I feel upset with my dog because of the way he acted in the past too. It feels like a lose-lose situation for me. I'm trying to consider all options, it's just really hard.. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| I also wanted to add I didn't mean spend the whole entire evening with him. My boyfriend and I sit on separate couches, not cuddling a lot of times watching TV, doing work, etc and don't have to be up eachother's butts so I meant when we're not spending time together in that sense. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | How long have you been with your boyfriend, did you have the dog befor your boyfriend? I would have a problem too if I had to choose, if the boyfriend is going to be a life long partner and the dog is in your life for only the dog years that he has left, I really think the boyfriend should just bite the bullet and try to be friends with your dog, if the boyfriend is planning to be with you for the rest of his life. Thats not fair for the dog to have to be rehome again, the boyfriend should love you for having such a big heart. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| We've been together since the fall of 2014. We had a bump in the road and split for about a month in January, but it made our relationship better when we got back together. I've had Bradley since the fall of 2012. I understand why he doesn't like him, but I just don't understand why we can't compromise and he has to understand that you can't be nice to a dog once and him like you. I'm going to talk to him about it and suggest some things, but we'll see. I came on here to ask because I have too many animal-loving people in my life and they wouldn't understand, nor would I want anyone to feel badly towards him. I think we're both very serious, but this is our main problem. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | blccwgl55 - 2016-05-22 1:30 PM We've been together since the fall of 2014. We had a bump in the road and split for about a month in January, but it made our relationship better when we got back together. I've had Bradley since the fall of 2012. I understand why he doesn't like him, but I just don't understand why we can't compromise and he has to understand that you can't be nice to a dog once and him like you. I'm going to talk to him about it and suggest some things, but we'll see. I came on here to ask because I have too many animal-loving people in my life and they wouldn't understand, nor would I want anyone to feel badly towards him. I think we're both very serious, but this is our main problem. How old is the dog and what breed? You have had this dog way to long to be rehoming him, just not fair I think for him. Ask your boyfriend to help you on this, ask him what he would do if he were in your place. He must know that you love this dog..
Edit to add: If hes really an animal lover he should know how your feeling. 
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2016-05-22 1:39 PM
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| They said he was almost a year old in 2012 but he still had puppy teeth so younger than that. I guess he'd be around 4? He's a terrier/poodle mix of some sort. We're going to talk more about it this evening I'd say. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I just want us all to be happy and things to be fair!
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | blccwgl55 - 2016-05-22 2:05 PM They said he was almost a year old in 2012 but he still had puppy teeth so younger than that. I guess he'd be around 4? He's a terrier/poodle mix of some sort. We're going to talk more about it this evening I'd say. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I just want us all to be happy and things to be fair!
This really tuged at my heart seeing that cute little face, there would be no way I would get rid of this little dog. I hope that you and the boyfriend can work this out.. |
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Nut Case Expert
Posts: 9305
Location: Tulsa, Ok | My daughter says if she had relied on the judgement of her corgii she would have been spared am ugly divorce because there would never have been a marriage!! |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | I wont give up any of my animals..for ANYBODY...i have had them longer than any person and they will continue to be with me til the end.....i trust my critters before most ppl...ppl will come and go and thats THEIR choice but an animal is YOUR choice....choose wisely. .M |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 788
| That really is a tough situation and I have been on both sides of this myself. First off, no dont get rid of your dog! However, without your boyfriend agreeing that you should compromise, I think you might should make at least some of the changes you mentioned above. I love dogs and I have an inside dog myself, but she is very well behaved. I cant stand a dog using it on the floor. That would cause a problem with me. So, maybe he does need to be in the kennel some. It might even help him feel safer. On the other hand, Your boyfriend should not be asking you to get rid of your dog. And its not because the dog should neccessarily come before your relationship, but you had the dog first and your boyfriend should understand how you feel and work with you.
I do agree with what others have said, animals are really good judges of character. Good luck and hope everything works out. |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | while I would never give up an animal for a relationship, I also wouldn't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who's dog hates me and poops all over the house.
I for one, would not live in conditions like that because it is absolutely gross to me. Maybe you can speak with your vet about what's going on with your dog, there has to be an underlying issue as to why he's doing it.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 1182
Location: Do I hear Banjos? | Not the question you are asking...but I'd sure not move in together. That "bump in the road" and some other things you sorta mentioned have me thinking you need to keep your own separate place and not just because of the dog.
Pets mean different things to different people. I think what you have described tells me you and the boyfriend are NOT on the same page about pets. I also think dogs are a good judge of character. Maybe this pup has issues...but it doesn't sound like the boyfriend has the necessary patience and compassion towards them that I personally look for in a partner.
Don't settle. Seriously. I cannot stress that enough. Enjoy the relationship for what it has to offer...but if it's not ideal...it's not what you need. |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | TrailGirl - 2016-05-23 9:50 AM Not the question you are asking...but I'd sure not move in together. That "bump in the road" and some other things you sorta mentioned have me thinking you need to keep your own separate place and not just because of the dog. Pets mean different things to different people. I think what you have described tells me you and the boyfriend are NOT on the same page about pets. I also think dogs are a good judge of character. Maybe this pup has issues...but it doesn't sound like the boyfriend has the necessary patience and compassion towards them that I personally look for in a partner. Don't settle. Seriously. I cannot stress that enough. Enjoy the relationship for what it has to offer...but if it's not ideal...it's not what you need.
I agree here, don't move in together just yet. Why not have your own place where the dog feels safe, and you can still have your bf over or go to his place.
You are still young, maybe he is the guy for you, maybe not. But jumping in with all that is going on already would not be my first choice.
But the way I see it, there is much more going on than just the dog.... so take your time, and don't rush into something you might regret down the road.
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | cranky B4 10am - 2016-05-23 11:14 AM
TrailGirl - 2016-05-23 9:50 AM Not the question you are asking...but I'd sure not move in together. That "bump in the road" and some other things you sorta mentioned have me thinking you need to keep your own separate place and not just because of the dog. Pets mean different things to different people. I think what you have described tells me you and the boyfriend are NOT on the same page about pets. I also think dogs are a good judge of character. Maybe this pup has issues...but it doesn't sound like the boyfriend has the necessary patience and compassion towards them that I personally look for in a partner. Don't settle. Seriously. I cannot stress that enough. Enjoy the relationship for what it has to offer...but if it's not ideal...it's not what you need.
I agree here, don't move in together just yet. Why not have your own place where the dog feels safe, and you can still have your bf over or go to his place.
You are still young, maybe he is the guy for you, maybe not. But jumping in with all that is going on already would not be my first choice.
But the way I see it, there is much more going on than just the dog.... so take your time, and don't rush into something you might regret down the road.
VERY WISE WORDS. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thank you for the responses. We weren't planning on moving together yet, but were just kinda visiting the option for in the future. I am getting my Masters and will be done next May and he's already been working since he graduated college two years ago. I don't want to jump into living together. I definitely understand that he doesn't want my dog to ruin his things or where we would live. I feel to get past it, they need to spend some time around eachother because they rarely see eachother and my dog needs a chance to take him in and maybe see that he's not scary. On the same note, the boyfriend needs to be sincere because animals know if you don't like them. I feel like it's just bad not to even try even before we would possibly live together. He doesn't have any medical issues, other than allergies, he just has pooped when he's scared or mad. He's a good dog otherwise. He acts great and more outgoing at the dog park near me, so maybe I could start there and have him go with me. I'm trying not to make any decisions right now, but I don't wanna waste my time either by not addressing some issues now. |
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 Living on the edge of common sense
Posts: 24138
Location: Carpenter, WY | I would bet that being a rescue has alot to do with the pooping and your dog has insecurity issues. There is no way I'd rescue a animal and then after 4 years give him the boot. When you rescued you made the commitment to take care of the little cutie.
If your boyfriend is serious about you he would offer to work with you to help solve the problem and not give a 'me or the dog' ultimatum. He knew you had the dog going into the relationship and if he can't handle or doesn't want to handle this little bit of baggage whats he going to do when a bigger issue comes up? Your dog knows that he isn't liked by your boyfriend and to me it's up to your boyfriend to gain his confidence.
I'm one for picking my battles and this is one I would fight for.
Edited to add: my first boyfriend many years ago would come over and my little dog would lift his leg and pee on him when he sat down, After getting to know this guy the dog was justified :)
Edited by teehaha 2016-05-23 12:24 PM
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Industrial Srength Barrel Racer
Posts: 7264
| teehaha - 2016-05-23 12:20 PM
I would bet that being a rescue has alot to do with the pooping and your dog has insecurity issues. There is no way I'd rescue a animal and then after 4 years give him the boot. When you rescued you made the commitment to take care of the little cutie.
If your boyfriend is serious about you he would offer to work with you to help solve the problem and not give a 'me or the dog' ultimatum. He knew you had the dog going into the relationship and if he can't handle or doesn't want to handle this little bit of baggage whats he going to do when a bigger issue comes up? Your dog knows that he isn't liked by your boyfriend and to me it's up to your boyfriend to gain his confidence.
I'm one for picking my battles and this is one I would fight for.
Edited to add: my first boyfriend many years ago would come over and my little dog would lift his leg and pee on him when he sat down, After getting to know this guy the dog was justified :)
Usually dogs are better judges of character than we are! |
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Sock Snob
Posts: 3021
| my husband would joking say something, but he and i resuced many animals, in fact my 16 year old kitty sitting next to me, he had 4 or 5 siblings, i with this sweet kiddy. he wanted to bring them all home with us. he is trying to control you, it will not stop with that. |
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Regular
Posts: 71
Location: Some where | If he has strong feelings like he says there shouldn't be any compromise in the relationship , friendship . Like others said , he came in the relationship knowing you had this little dog and should be willing to work on gaining its trust . What if this was a child ? To most people there pets are like there children . |
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| In my experience, these types of issues don't stop with just one. When you give in on 1 issue, there will be another one later on down the road. If he is not a horse person, that might be the next thing no matter what he says now.
Just my experience, which might not happen to you.
Good Luck. |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| My fiancé didn't particularly care for my little dog when I moved in with him, but we made it work. He didn't fit in with the rest of the herd as he had to be on a leash at all times, he was yippy and demanding and kind of a pain. But he was my pain.
I'd catch them snuggling from time to time, and when I wasn't home he made sure he got outside and made an effort.
That's what I see missing - I feel like the boyfriend should recognize the importance of the dog in your life and be making an effort to at least be on reasonable terms with him - such that he can at least take him outside, feed him, etc without issues, and I understand as a rescue with traumatic memories of men that may never be as easy as it sounds, but it's the effort on the boyfriends part that I'm not seeing.
That lack of effort may very well show up again later in life. |
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 Expert
Posts: 2159
Location: NW. Florida | I have allergies too, but I also have a dog that I love. That's a choice I make, but I wouldn't have a dog peeing and pooping on my stuff, or the house I live in. With that said, if I wouldn't want it, I wouldn't expect someone to have to put up with it either. Sometimes you have to step back and put yourself in the other person's shoes. |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8552
Location: sunny california | i had a kitty that had IBS and would throw up alot. Hubby just cleaned it up and said, " oh poor kitty has a tummy ache" when someone can't put up with a little problem here and there I have to wonder if I will become a pain in the butt when I am senile or my parents might need looking after. you don't just turn your back on someone you love and that goes for pets too.
oh we invested in a lot of wee wee pads. the cat used them as she hated a litter box. and honestly they were so easy to pick up and put a new one down.
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 Don't Wanna Make This Awkward
Posts: 3106
Location: Texas | I totally see where he is coming from.. I don't think you should get rid of the dog. Sounds to me like the dog needs some training and to spend some more time with the boyfriend. My dog or not I wouldn't want to live with a dog the went potty inside. An accident is one thing but eventually that has to get pretty old. I thinnk you both need to try and compromise more. He needs to want to try and get a long with the dog and you need to be more understanding(maybe you already are but didn;t sound like it from what I read). |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 742
| Dogs just like horses don't have spite built into them like humans do. If I read correctly, your dog has had accidents and when he does it around someone like your BF it is insecurity and fear not a training issue. If your BF is not willing to like your dog then there is no chance of dealing with these issues with your poor little Bradley.
I agree with others that animals have a much better judgement of charater than we, as humans, do. I also agree with others that say it's not just about the dog, it's something in the relationship. Relationships in the early years are supposed to be fun and bring pure joy maybe a spat or two but not deep issues and yours seems like deep issues. Be careful who you chose to spend the rest of your life with because life is very LOOONG. |
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Expert
Posts: 1304
| Thanks for all of the advice, suggestions, and other points of view. We talked about it last night and the problem is big to him, but is related to other problems in our relationship like you all had said! We love eachother but can't get along with a lot of things. We plan on talking about what we can do to fix things or other alternatives, when we're not as upset and both in a better mood. It sucks to think about what could happen next but trusting in God is all I can do! |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Yep...trust him.he will always be the one still with you...even if the relationship fails |
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