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  Snake Charmer
Posts: 1632
   
Location: Texas | To make a long story short, I was adopted at birth. My "mother" has always made sure to tell people I was her adopted child. Fast forward 50 years, my mother has been a psycho witch my whole life. For the past 8 years she has been putting up with my brother and his son stealing, doing drugs, etc while living with her. Two weeks ago, she called my hysterical over the grandson being high and stealing I called the police. She promptly called me back, chewed me out, and said for me to just forget about her, that I had a mother. (My birth mother) since then she has called up several people telling them she's through with me.
Now she has started calling me again. I'm not picking up, and she's not leaving messages. How would you guys handle this situation? | |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Change my phone number and my name and my address. Nobody deserves to be put through that crap. | |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Wow, that is a terrible situation to be in. I would walk away, that said I have witnessed many adults keep trying to have the kind of relationship with their parents despite the bad treatment. I don't think you would be any worse off without her. Hugs | |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| I think it really depends on where you're at emotionally. To be frank, I think your adoptive mother sounds quite awful. No mother should ever say things like that to her children no matter what the circumstances. I think you have every right to hold your ground and not accept her calls. Or if you didn't want to deal with the calls, it's incredibly easy to block a number. I cut a parent out of my life many years ago, and even after his death, I do not regret it. His presence did not add value to my life, and it was very draining to keep him around. You don't NEED to keep toxic people in your life, not even family. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 865
| Read the book titled "mean mothers". Do a google search and you can find it. After reading the book then make a decision on your mother. My guess is you will be done with her and the abuse and hopefully create a happy life for yourself. Good luck and always treat yourself well! | |
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 Money Eating Baggage Owner
Posts: 9586
Location: Phoenix | rpreast - 2016-10-04 2:58 PM I think it really depends on where you're at emotionally. To be frank, I think your adoptive mother sounds quite awful. No mother should ever say things like that to her children no matter what the circumstances. I think you have every right to hold your ground and not accept her calls. Or if you didn't want to deal with the calls, it's incredibly easy to block a number. I cut a parent out of my life many years ago, and even after his death, I do not regret it. His presence did not add value to my life, and it was very draining to keep him around. You don't NEED to keep toxic people in your life, not even family.
I agree with this.
No offense, but she sounds nothing like a mother and sounds very unstable at that. | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | No advice, but just wanted to say I hope that this woman is ashamed of herself for saying what she said to you, just sending you hugs  | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 808
| I had a father like that, I have not talked to him in 6 years and those 6 years have been pure bliss without his hatred and mean spirit. | |
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Snake Charmer
Posts: 1632
Location: Texas | Thank you guys for the replies. Since I posted this she has called three times, and finally left a message. Said she just wanted to see if I was feeling better. I was sick two weeks ago. Acts like nothing is wrong. As usual. I'm just done. Tired of being treated like a second rate pos. | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Bless your heart, no one deserves to be treated like this. I hope you find peace in your decision, and like someone else said, this woman isn't a mother by my definition. Reading these posts makes me so so thankful for my momma and daddy. . . . | |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12842
| Sounds like she is doing drugs with the others. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 927
Location: Iowa | I too was adopted. I have found both my bio parents. I just found the birth father 2 weeks ago. Put some distance between you and your adopted mother. She sounds like she wants to have drama to keep herself a victim and hero. | |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | She sounds like she needs some medication. Seriously. There's some type of mental illness there that YOU can't fix.
If she wants to be taken advantage of by her son and grandson, that's on her, not you. Don't get involved and if she calls you to cry about it, tell her there's nothing you can do, that she has to be the one to take care of it. Don't engage her.
I feel terrible that she's put you through that, but you sometimes have to cut people out of your life when they do nothing but bring you down. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9992
Location: Kansas | classicpotatochip - 2016-10-04 4:57 PM Change my phone number and my name and my address. Nobody deserves to be put through that crap.
agreed......i completely cut my mother out of my life, she was similar to that. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| I am currently not speaking to my mother because of the emotional games she tries to play and the drama she causes. I decided that I am leaving it totally up to her to have a part in my life. If she made an attempt to contact me I would speak to her however I wont participate in any negativity or foolishness. Unfortunatly I am having to be the adult in this situation. You have to set boundaries and not allow yourself to be mistreated. It sounds like your mother is enabling your other family members. I know a situation similar with my husbands side. You cant tell her anything. You tried to do the right thing by calling the cops but ended up being the "bad guy". Distance yourself and do not allow her to belittle you. You do not deserve that, noone does. | |
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4642
Location: Texas | Cut her out of your life... Don't waste your time with toxic people, even if they are your adopted family. | |
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 Just a Yankee
Posts: 1239
Location: Some where I haven't left yet | I have recently had to do that with my sister. I've shed tears, but in the end it's her life and only she can change it. (physical, emotional abuse and we won't even talk about what happens to her children) I would make a report to the Department of Human Services for Elder abuse - then put space between you and her. "Love at a distance" | |
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Expert
Posts: 1586
Location: west of East Texas | Unless you are absolutely sure you don't ever want to hear from her again... take her calls, say hello, stay engaged until she starts whining or complaining (about you are anyone else). As soon as that starts, interrupt her by saying "I have to go now. It's been nice talking to you." and hang up. No ifs, ands, or buts, just hang up. She'll either get mad enough to be the one to cut ties or she'll learn to be pleasantly focused on having a good relationship with you. I've had to use this with family and friends and ex-husbands at different times. One was my mother and we went through several periods where I couldn't do anything right by her opinion. We often didn't agree on things but that didn't mean I had to let her ruin my day. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 788
| Pray about it is all I know to tell you. This woman clearly needs some help of her own, but completely shutting her out may not be the solution. But, it depends on if she feels bad for what she did to you. Since she is calling you she may have realized what she did was terrible. Which in no way means you should just act like nothing happened. Some space is really needed here, but its up to you how much space. It is one thing to over-react in a situation (we have all done that at some point in our lives) but going out and telling other people that you are a horrible person for trying to do the right thing is going over board. You cant forgive someone if they do not see a problem with the way they acted, which means you need to get away from her. But, she does need to know that what she did really hurt you and your relationship with her should not be like that, and you will not tolerate it. Good luck and Prayers for you! | |
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8699
Location: the end of the rainbow | My mother has a lot of mental problems. Her standard is to blame me or my dad for everything wrong in her life. I have finally gotten to a point where the ground rules are: if she is pleasant when she calls me or stops by I will talk to her. When she starts getting nasty I remind her that I refuse to listen to that crap and I hang up or ask her to leave. I've explained the rules to her and I will not argue with her for any reason. Anything nasty comes out of her mouth and I hang up. I've had to call the cops on her and make her leave my property twice over the years. Now she knows if she can't control herself and be nice she stays away.I also don't expect meaningful conversations or emotional support of any kind from my mother. | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 899
Location: Idaho | You're adoptive mother sounds a lot like my biological mother when I was younger. For the longest time she suffered from alcoholism, depression and severe ptsd. We knew about the depression and alcoholism, but not the PTSD. For about 8 years of my young adult life, she would call my brother and I, yell at me and him, tell us to forget about her, say she disowned us, cursing us out and say a bunch of mean and messed up things. But then she would call us back, saying how sorry she was and that she loved us. It has been well over 11 years and my brother still refuses to talk to her. I, on the other hand, started talking to her about 6 years ago.
This is where your decision comes in, because there is a reason WHY she is acting like that. Maybe she had a rough child hood, maybe she was abused, maybe something happened during her young life that she is still holding onto.. because she doesn't know how to deal with it and move on.
This was the problem with my mother. She was crying for help, and because of how we were raised we wouldn't see it. We just thought, she just had problems and she had to figure it out on her own. Sounds cruel, and some ways it was. I work in mental health, and I have always felt there was something missing as far as knowledge when it came to her behavior. Especially when she always talked about her father, she would always start crying.. shaking her head.. saying "he was a good man, he was a good man.." I never understood it.
A couple years ago, I was at my mother's one night and when I was walking by her she grabbed me by the arm and asked me to sit down because she had to tell me something. Well, she told me a story about her father. It wasn't a happy story, it was a pretty bad story and she had been holding onto this.. for 45+ years. She didn't tell anyone about it. She had been keeping it inside, and it had been eating her alive. THAT is why she drank, because she wanted to forget. She had a bad childhood, she never was much able to be a child because she was busy taking care of her siblings by the age of 13. She wanted to drink and have fun, because she never got to when she was younger. She yelled at us, because she wanted attention and didn't know how to properly ask for it, and she was in pain and didn't know how to get rid of it.. so she took it out on us. I found a lot of understanding because of that, because I was willing to dig deep and try and find out the reasons for her behaviors. It's probably because I work in Mental health and I kind of am willing to do that, and deal with it. Some people can't do that, and there is nothing wrong with that.
As far as your adoptive mother, she may be keeping those drug addict kids and thieves in her home.. because well, maybe that is the only attention she is getting. Maybe there is something that happened when she was younger that has haunted her, and she doesn't know how to deal. My thought would be.. you can either try and help her, or say, hey I don't want to deal with it and let it go.
This is my two cents.
Edited by DashNDustem 2016-10-05 7:46 PM
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Snake Charmer
Posts: 1632
Location: Texas | Well, I've not been taking any calls from my "mother" since she acted a fool and hung up on me. I have read everything you guys have said, and I have prayed about our relationship. I just feel like I want to go about my life and be left alone by her and her little brood. I have no anymosity, hatred, or anything like that, I just feel nothing toward her.
Yesterday, I had my granddaughter in the truck with me, had to run back in the house for some forgotten something, and came back out to "I answered your phone for you"
It was HER!, I felt like I had been kicked in the throat for a minute, and got on the phone. She just starts jabbering away like nothing had ever been wrong (in her world this is normal), and the whole time I'm thinking, how dare you bother my peaceful life. I want so bad to tell her off, and hang up on her, but that would be stooping to her level.
I really just want to be done, she's toxic, hateful, and selfish. I have been mentally manipulated by her for so long that I still feel like I can't just tell her how she made me feel. I already know she will either blow it off and say that I'm being silly, or blow up herself and start reminding me of everything shes done for me through the years, and turn me back into the bad guy again.
She is ALWAYS in bed, always has the same "symptoms" of injury, or illness, and the same problems day after day after day. I just feel nothing anymore, just done. How can I bring myself to tell her I don't want any part of her, her son, her grand-spawn-of-satan, take me out of the will, take me out of her contact numbers, take me out of her life. I feel like she could have prevented all this from happening years ago if she had wanted to, but then she wouldnt have people feeling sorry for her. Her friendshipd have to be on her terms, and she has alienated more than one person who truly tried to be friends with her over stupid stuff.
So sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a rant, I just really appreciate you guys' opinions and advice. Thanks for listening! | |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | acheela - 2016-10-12 4:22 PM
Well, I've not been taking any calls from my "mother" since she acted a fool and hung up on me. I have read everything you guys have said, and I have prayed about our relationship. I just feel like I want to go about my life and be left alone by her and her little brood. I have no anymosity, hatred, or anything like that, I just feel nothing toward her.
Yesterday, I had my granddaughter in the truck with me, had to run back in the house for some forgotten something, and came back out to "I answered your phone for you"
It was HER!, I felt like I had been kicked in the throat for a minute, and got on the phone. She just starts jabbering away like nothing had ever been wrong (in her world this is normal), and the whole time I'm thinking, how dare you bother my peaceful life. I want so bad to tell her off, and hang up on her, but that would be stooping to her level.
I really just want to be done, she's toxic, hateful, and selfish. I have been mentally manipulated by her for so long that I still feel like I can't just tell her how she made me feel. I already know she will either blow it off and say that I'm being silly, or blow up herself and start reminding me of everything shes done for me through the years, and turn me back into the bad guy again.
She is ALWAYS in bed, always has the same "symptoms" of injury, or illness, and the same problems day after day after day. I just feel nothing anymore, just done. How can I bring myself to tell her I don't want any part of her, her son, her grand-spawn-of-satan, take me out of the will, take me out of her contact numbers, take me out of her life. I feel like she could have prevented all this from happening years ago if she had wanted to, but then she wouldnt have people feeling sorry for her. Her friendshipd have to be on her terms, and she has alienated more than one person who truly tried to be friends with her over stupid stuff.
So sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a rant, I just really appreciate you guys' opinions and advice. Thanks for listening!
to keep that senerio from happening again.... select the blocked option on your contact screen. That is shutting the door instead of leaving it open. | |
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Snake Charmer
Posts: 1632
Location: Texas | luluwhit - 2016-10-12 3:35 PM acheela - 2016-10-12 4:22 PM Well, I've not been taking any calls from my "mother" since she acted a fool and hung up on me. I have read everything you guys have said, and I have prayed about our relationship. I just feel like I want to go about my life and be left alone by her and her little brood. I have no anymosity, hatred, or anything like that, I just feel nothing toward her.
Yesterday, I had my granddaughter in the truck with me, had to run back in the house for some forgotten something, and came back out to "I answered your phone for you"
It was HER!, I felt like I had been kicked in the throat for a minute, and got on the phone. She just starts jabbering away like nothing had ever been wrong (in her world this is normal), and the whole time I'm thinking, how dare you bother my peaceful life. I want so bad to tell her off, and hang up on her, but that would be stooping to her level.
I really just want to be done, she's toxic, hateful, and selfish. I have been mentally manipulated by her for so long that I still feel like I can't just tell her how she made me feel. I already know she will either blow it off and say that I'm being silly, or blow up herself and start reminding me of everything shes done for me through the years, and turn me back into the bad guy again.
She is ALWAYS in bed, always has the same "symptoms" of injury, or illness, and the same problems day after day after day. I just feel nothing anymore, just done. How can I bring myself to tell her I don't want any part of her, her son, her grand-spawn-of-satan, take me out of the will, take me out of her contact numbers, take me out of her life. I feel like she could have prevented all this from happening years ago if she had wanted to, but then she wouldnt have people feeling sorry for her. Her friendshipd have to be on her terms, and she has alienated more than one person who truly tried to be friends with her over stupid stuff.
So sorry, I didn't mean to go off on a rant, I just really appreciate you guys' opinions and advice. Thanks for listening! to keep that senerio from happening again.... select the blocked option on your contact screen. That is shutting the door instead of leaving it open.
LOL< Now why didn't I think of that? | |
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 BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | While I was growing up, my mother suffered from manic depression. She verbally and physically abused me and I walked on egg shells, flinched when she would raise her arm at the grocery store to get something off the shelf.
I moved across state after graduation and didn't talk to her for a long time. Then one day she called, and I didn't even know who she was, because her voice was so different, soft and kind. She had finally gotten help and was on medication. We had a much better relationship from that point forward even though it was awkward when she'd hug me or say she loved me.
My mother passed away going on 4 years ago from cancer. I miss her every day. So many times I wish I could call her because I know she'd know the answer to my question.
Keep your distance and don't allow her to hurt you, but don't give up on her. She may get the help she needs someday. I hated my mom for so many years and all that means nothing now that she's gone. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 285
| acheela - 2016-10-04 8:00 PM
Thank you guys for the replies. Since I posted this she has called three times, and finally left a message. Said she just wanted to see if I was feeling better. I was sick two weeks ago. Acts like nothing is wrong. As usual. I'm just done. Tired of being treated like a second rate pos.
Well you are definetly not a POS. I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I hope you do what's best for you ( whatever you decide) and know that there are people who love and care for you. It always amazes me how rough other peoples lives are or have been. Prayers and hugs for you. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 285
| One more thing, have you sat down with her and talked about this? About how she has made you feel, hurt you. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship. Especially since his wife doesn't want his kids around. He has said hurtful things to me and just doesn't know how to be a parent. I finally sat down with him, with years in my eyes and our relationship has gotten better. Though there are things I wish he'd do different, I still love him. | |
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Snake Charmer
Posts: 1632
Location: Texas | pepsi97 - 2016-10-12 7:56 PM One more thing, have you sat down with her and talked about this? About how she has made you feel, hurt you. My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship. Especially since his wife doesn't want his kids around. He has said hurtful things to me and just doesn't know how to be a parent. I finally sat down with him, with years in my eyes and our relationship has gotten better. Though there are things I wish he'd do different, I still love him.
I haven't done that this time, but I have in the past. She started out saying I was a liar, that she never said/did the things I said that hurt me. Then she started in on everything I have done "wrong" my entire life, from 40 years ago, and starts trying to put the blame on me, and saying I owe her an apology. And an apology isn't enough, it has to be worded exactly the way she orchestrates it. It's amazing to me how she tolerates the things her natural son, and his son do, but I have never measured up. I have honestly put in the effort to try to get along with her, but I just can't stomach it any more. The people in my past, friends, relatives, have all said to just be done, that everyone knows shes crazy.
I'm not young any more. I'm 51 years old, and I really don't care if I see or talk to her ever again. She doesn't have any abuse, or excuse in the past to be this way. She has been spoiled her whole life. My dad was a banker, and a good christian man. He provided very well for her, and she was never satisfied. She always wanted bigger house, better car, more money, and was just a pain to live with. She enjoys making me miserable, and literally purposfully mentally tortures me.
I had a fabulous relationship with my dad, and I know theres a special place in heaven for him having put up with her all those years.
Thank you guys again for all the support. The last phone call where I talked to her, and it was just business as usual... she has no concience and can't care one iota and be that way. | |
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Off topic... what would you do?