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| I need some unbiased advice so here it goes...
I was raised by my step dad from about 6 weeks old. He IS Dad. We have maintained a relationship my whole 28 years no different than a biological father and daughter. I have known from an early age that I had a biological "father", who is also the father of my older brother. Growing up I watched as this man hardly had anything to do with my older brother, broke promises, didnt pay child support for him, didnt call on holidays or birthdays and so on. When I turned 18 I subsiquently became friends with a biological cousin of mine and that led to me meeting with my biological father. We talked some and visited a few times and he sort of drifted away. I had never had proof of my paternity, but my brother did. In order to know the truth my brother and I recently had a DNA test done confirming that we are in fact full siblings. My biological father has gotten word of this and now is attempting to get in touch with me. I believe he wants to see me and probably see my daughter who is not quite 2.
Here is the problem... I, for some reason, am having strong feelings that I do not want to go down that road. I get anxiety thinking about it. I dont want anything from this man. I am not missing anything in my life, and more importantly I do not want to confuse my daughter. It is not my intention to be cold hearted, or insensitive. Even if he does come around some, I dont feel like it will last. I have my family and the people that raised me. There is no void to be filled. My brother says I should give him the oppourtunity to see my child...but I am not sure I agree with that... I dont know what the right thing is..
Edited by scwebster 2016-11-07 9:20 AM
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 I hate cooking and cleaning
Posts: 3314
Location: Jersey Girl | Do what you feel in your heart is right. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 595
Location: North Dakota | So he knew your brother was for sure his child but never knew you were? Just want to make sure I know this right before saying my piece.. |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| I would give my permission to my brother to show him pictures of the child, but you don't have to give this man permission to meet her in person until she is an adult and can make the decision for herself.
DNA is only DNA, your stepdad chose you, and has stood by you. You don't owe the other guy anything.
If you're feeling spooked, it's perfectly okay to be as rude, ungrateful, and unapproachable as you need to be to establish the distance you require to feel all right in the world again. This is your life, not his, and it's okay to make a stand for your own happiness. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Your bio dad should have have thought about this when you were growing up, you have your daddy {step dad}. If Bio dad was a big part of your life growing up that would be different, I dont think I would be going down that road with him knowing he never had anything to do with me as a child. I would be friendly with him when you ran into him but I would not put any effort out to be buddys with him... Hugs to you  |
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Expert
Posts: 2128
| MidWest1452 - 2016-11-07 9:23 AM So he knew your brother was for sure his child but never knew you were? Just want to make sure I know this right before saying my piece.. Yes. My mother and biological father had my brother together but broke up shortly after. I guess as a low blow to my mom he tried to deny my brother was his, so a DNA test was done. My brother must have been about a year old at that time. Apparently my bio parents got back together trying to make it work for my brothers sake long enough to concieve me and break up again for good. My mom says she told him I was his but didnt push the issue because she didnt want me to be subjected to his ways. He already wasnt doing right by my brother. Plus my step dad was raising me as his own.. This is all kind of a confusing story I know..sorry about that lol.
Edited by scwebster 2016-11-07 9:37 AM
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 Serious Snap Trapper
Posts: 4275
Location: In The Snow, AZ | If it is giving you anxiety thinking about it, then you shouldn't feel pushed into doing it. As you said, there isn't a void needing filled. He chose to not be there for his kids, whether or not he knew you were his. He can't just become "dad" because he feels like it. You owe him nothing, and I most certainly wouldn't want to bring an innocent child in to the mix because someone said I should. Do what is best for you and your baby. Don't feel bad for that. |
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 Sorry I don't have any advice
Posts: 1975
Location: Sunnyland Florida |
I think you don't have anything to lose, since you already have a great relationship with your Dad who raised you, nothing will change your bond, and make sure he knows that. If your biological father is a bad example, drug user/alcoholic, etc. you may not want to expose yourself or your daughter to that. If your biological father is not a bad influence, you may want to meet with him and see how it goes. He may be on a path to see what he's missed out on. If you are uncomfortable with him, just back away. |
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Veteran
Posts: 234
| Nope your gut instincts are yelling at you - you owe this man nothing - your Dad/Mom are not always the same DNA as yours-they are the ones that loved you, changed your dirty diapers, spent time with you growing up and gave you uncontional love all your life. Take it from someone adopted at birth - my family may not share my DNA but they are my family |
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Location: The best kept secret in TX | My SO and I come from a set of parents that have been together for decades. However our household is blended.
Our grandparents, aunts, and uncles, have all re-married at least once.
The ones who come around ever so often we tolerate and are nice too.
The ones who aren't blood but stay around get the honor of being called family...
To this day I can't tell you where my Dad's Dad is. Every time I got his phone number he would change it. Every time I got his address he would move... My aunt, Dad's Mom, and multiple uncles are the exact same way. The second I had my little girl they magically re-appeared. I accepted their gifts and let them hold her but they have only made the effort to see her once. Some have no idea she exists. My point is, I don't worry anymore. When people call to tell me they are coming to see her I don't plan on them coming. They never show. And that's ok. She gets enough love from non biological family to keep her feeling loved for a lifetime.
Just a thought. Hugs to you and that precious baby.  |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
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| You don't owe your bio dad anything. Seems like he had opportunity to have a relationship with you and chose not to. Being a sperm donor does not entitle anyone to anything. |
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  Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | If you already feel this way about him just don't do it. You don't owe him anything. Even if he didn't for sure knew you were his blood, he knew about your brother and he didn't pay much attention to him... so I would not go there. Spare your baby girl the disapointment and just let her have her a good relationship with your stepdad. |
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 Saint Stacey
| Been there, done that, have the tshirt. My case is slightly different in that I was the one that always tried to reach out to my biological father. It was always the same thing, "Do you mind if I call you back sometime"? He never did.
My daughter is now 23 and has never met him. I'm okay with it and she's okay with it. My stepdad is my real dad and he's all either of us need. My husband thinks it's strange and he's pushed numerous times to meet my bio dad. I push back and tell him I'll be glad to get the phone number for him to call, but I refuse to be a part of it.
If your bio dad has been so flakey with you, I just don't feel he should have the right to know your daughter. Why should you let him meet her only to disappear since that's what he's always done? It isn't fair to you daughter to bring this man into her life, possibly let her get attached only to have him bail. He needs a relationship with YOU before her. |
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Expert
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| classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 9:23 AM I would give my permission to my brother to show him pictures of the child, but you don't have to give this man permission to meet her in person until she is an adult and can make the decision for herself. DNA is only DNA, your stepdad chose you, and has stood by you. You don't owe the other guy anything. If you're feeling spooked, it's perfectly okay to be as rude, ungrateful, and unapproachable as you need to be to establish the distance you require to feel all right in the world again. This is your life, not his, and it's okay to make a stand for your own happiness.
Thank you for your kind and honest words, I think I needed that! |
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Expert
Posts: 2128
| Southtxponygirl - 2016-11-07 9:24 AM Your bio dad should have have thought about this when you were growing up, you have your daddy {step dad}. If Bio dad was a big part of your life growing up that would be different, I dont think I would be going down that road with him knowing he never had anything to do with me as a child. I would be friendly with him when you ran into him but I would not put any effort out to be buddys with him... Hugs to you
Thank you! Hugs back to ya!! |
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Expert
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| SKM - 2016-11-07 1:47 PM Been there, done that, have the tshirt. My case is slightly different in that I was the one that always tried to reach out to my biological father. It was always the same thing, "Do you mind if I call you back sometime"? He never did. My daughter is now 23 and has never met him. I'm okay with it and she's okay with it. My stepdad is my real dad and he's all either of us need. My husband thinks it's strange and he's pushed numerous times to meet my bio dad. I push back and tell him I'll be glad to get the phone number for him to call, but I refuse to be a part of it. If your bio dad has been so flakey with you, I just don't feel he should have the right to know your daughter. Why should you let him meet her only to disappear since that's what he's always done? It isn't fair to you daughter to bring this man into her life, possibly let her get attached only to have him bail. He needs a relationship with YOU before her.
Thats kind of how I feel. I need to know him before he thinks he is going to be around my baby. |
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Expert
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| ~BINGO~ - 2016-11-07 9:38 AM If it is giving you anxiety thinking about it, then you shouldn't feel pushed into doing it. As you said, there isn't a void needing filled. He chose to not be there for his kids, whether or not he knew you were his. He can't just become "dad" because he feels like it. You owe him nothing, and I most certainly wouldn't want to bring an innocent child in to the mix because someone said I should. Do what is best for you and your baby. Don't feel bad for that.
Thank you so much!! |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | Do what you feel in your heart. As others said, you do not owe the bio father anything. Sometimes doors get closed for good reason. My husband was adopted -- and his bio mother tracked him down. We had to get a restraining order against her. There was a good reason he was removed from her care...and there is a reason your mom moved on. Hugs to you. |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| scwebster - 2016-11-07 2:17 PM
classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 9:23 AM I would give my permission to my brother to show him pictures of the child, but you don't have to give this man permission to meet her in person until she is an adult and can make the decision for herself. DNA is only DNA, your stepdad chose you, and has stood by you. You don't owe the other guy anything. If you're feeling spooked, it's perfectly okay to be as rude, ungrateful, and unapproachable as you need to be to establish the distance you require to feel all right in the world again. This is your life, not his, and it's okay to make a stand for your own happiness.
Thank you for your kind and honest words, I think I needed that!
A great big hug sent your way. Don't forget to hug your stepparent, sounds like he did a good job of stepping to the plate. |
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 I Prefer to Live in Fantasy Land
Posts: 64864
Location: In the Hills of Texas | I'm with most everyone else...Stick with your gut feelings. Family sometimes can be very over rated and very heartbreaking. Hugs... |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 5:42 PM
scwebster - 2016-11-07 2:17 PM
classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 9:23 AM I would give my permission to my brother to show him pictures of the child, but you don't have to give this man permission to meet her in person until she is an adult and can make the decision for herself. DNA is only DNA, your stepdad chose you, and has stood by you. You don't owe the other guy anything. If you're feeling spooked, it's perfectly okay to be as rude, ungrateful, and unapproachable as you need to be to establish the distance you require to feel all right in the world again. This is your life, not his, and it's okay to make a stand for your own happiness.
Thank you for your kind and honest words, I think I needed that!
A great big hug sent your way. Don't forget to hug your stepparent, sounds like he did a good job of stepping to the plate.
I agree with this: your "father/sperm donor" left the picture and your DADDY stepped up. Many hugs and good wishes for you and your little one. |
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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 359
Location: MS | I, myself, grew up not knowing my biological father. When my mother was married to him she told him she was pregnant and he left. My mother married when I was 2 yrs old to the only man I have known. I have seen my biological father around town and he has never acknowledged me. I was out eating dinner with my aunt one night and he actually came up to our table and spoke to my aunt but turned his head so he wouldn't see me. He has numerous children and has dumped everyone of them. God, blessed me with a father that loves me like his own and loves my kids unconditionally. Follow your heart. I know what is like, but sometimes it's best just to keep that book closed. ?? |
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Expert
Posts: 2128
| amberturner4 - 2016-11-08 8:24 AM I, myself, grew up not knowing my biological father. When my mother was married to him she told him she was pregnant and he left. My mother married when I was 2 yrs old to the only man I have known. I have seen my biological father around town and he has never acknowledged me. I was out eating dinner with my aunt one night and he actually came up to our table and spoke to my aunt but turned his head so he wouldn't see me. He has numerous children and has dumped everyone of them. God, blessed me with a father that loves me like his own and loves my kids unconditionally. Follow your heart. I know what is like, but sometimes it's best just to keep that book closed. ??
His loss! It sounds like you were blessed with a great "dad" who took up the slack. You came out better in the end :) |
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Expert
Posts: 2128
| classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 5:42 PM scwebster - 2016-11-07 2:17 PM classicpotatochip - 2016-11-07 9:23 AM I would give my permission to my brother to show him pictures of the child, but you don't have to give this man permission to meet her in person until she is an adult and can make the decision for herself. DNA is only DNA, your stepdad chose you, and has stood by you. You don't owe the other guy anything. If you're feeling spooked, it's perfectly okay to be as rude, ungrateful, and unapproachable as you need to be to establish the distance you require to feel all right in the world again. This is your life, not his, and it's okay to make a stand for your own happiness. Thank you for your kind and honest words, I think I needed that! A great big hug sent your way. Don't forget to hug your stepparent, sounds like he did a good job of stepping to the plate.
:) My dad is a great man, I make sure to tell him every chance I get how much he means to me and how thankful I am for him. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | If he didn't give a cr@p about his own children, how on earth does he deserve to be part of a grandchild's life?
Of course he wants to see her, he doesn't have to be financially responsible for her! I'm sorry, I just have a very low tolerance for people who want nothing to do with their kids, but suddenly take an interest when it's convenient for them. You owe him NOTHING. Don't feel bad about it, he made his choice long ago. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1074
| If you are having reservations about seeing him, DON'T DO IT!!! |
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Im about to get a little personal.