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 Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
  
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | I realize this is OT, but I'm hoping for fresh ideas from fellow parents, and I know there are some of those here.
I'm having behavioral issues with my 5 year old son. And I'm at a total loss. He's not violent or hurtful towards others per say. It's a few things, so I'll start at the beginning of the day and list that way since there really is no other proper order...this is virtually a daily occurrence, though some days are better/less frustrating than others.
I have trouble getting him up and going in the morning. I have to get after him to get him up, then constantly keep him on task for simple stuff that we do every...single...day. I have to prod him to get up, remind him to go to the bathroom... I lay his clothes out, then have to keep on him to get dressed, brush his teeth, find his shoes (they are always by the back door or in his closet, but somehow he can never find them), get his back pack, and get in the pickup to get to school.
Drop him off at school for Kindergarten and remind him to get straight to class and get his "tasks" done. Teacher is frequently telling me that he's late? So I've began walking him to class at least half the time, which means I leave my 1 year old in the pickup to wait.
Then pick him up at 11:30...according to him, he's always had a good day, but that's not the story from the teacher. She has praised that he's extremely intelligent academically, but not paying attention, not following directions, distracting other students, and not completing his work. What he brings home is abysmal, and absolutely does not reflect what he does at home. He's had homework the past two days, from a teacher that does not assign homework, but she has begun sending his work home because he is not doing it in class. Today, he was even being told by other kids that he was not following directions and he continued on. He had to start one of the assignments over after trying to give it to the teacher wrong. Part of me knows that he's bored--I was in school too, but that is no excuse for bad behavior or performance. He's very much so on an academic level equal to and in some areas greater than a first grader. I also don't believe this is attention related, these are the choices he's making.
I take him to daycare, where he's been having issues. He will try to exclude certain kids from play, or take toys, or tease one of the other kids that he will knock over her blocks... Or he plays rough with toys, even after being warned. He is the oldest there, and doesn't nap, so he is one on one during naptime and she says he's great during that time. Issues start when the others join playtime--and they are not every time.
So I pick him up and ask him why he had time outs--his answer is almost always, "I don't know." And honestly, I usually believe that. He has no recollection (I assume by choice, possibly sub conscious blocking) of why he was in trouble, which means he learned absolutely ZERO from it. It was similar today picking up from school. I asked if his day was better. He said yep, teacher said nope.
I seriously am angry about it. I lost my cool with him today and he was taken aback. He's extraordinarily intelligent, and acting like a complete jack-ass. He does get punishment, we do spank if it's warranted, we do make him do things correctly at home, and accept no less than good results. Yelling doesn't yield results, praising doesn't yield results, spanking only gets temporary correction or reprieve from his attempted debating. I ask him why he acts this way and he will either say "I don't know" or refuse to answer. And he will usually fidget or try to change the subject. This is screaming to me that there is something going on but he will not say what--and maybe he truly doesn't know. I'll ask him after a "talking to" if he understands, he'll nod, so I ask him to tell me what it means, and he will say he doesn't know. Then I'm angry that he's not being truthful about understanding.
Even things like riding...he wants to ride, but when I get after him for not following my directions, he'll say he's done. He does the same thing when we rope the dummy. He has no try, and no competitive spirit or drive yet. I'm ok with that, but it would sure help me out if he'd develop some right about now...
I'm to the point that I think he needs to see a child psychologist because Dad and I are not breaking through. | |
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  Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
 
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Sounds like he may be strong willed? Seems to be one in every family that wants to push the line. Mine is 8 and will buck the system even if it would be easier for him to do it MY way. Read up on it. My advice is the books will not show you how to correct the behavior (because you really can't) but it will help you understand and parent them better. I have been fortunate to have 3 teachers now that understand Colt and work with him. He is extremely smart but can be a real pill. Not mean to kids at all, but always his way with everything he wants to play. If you are in a big enough town where you have a choice, you might change teachers. Having one that understands how to teach a strong willed child is key to their success. These kids apparently grow up to be real leaders. Where yours lacks drive makes me wonder if it could be something else. Most are competitive as can be. But it might be worth looking into.
http://www.focusonthefamily.ca/parenting/school-age/what-sets-them-off-understanding-your-strong-willed-child | |
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| I think you are correct in that an assessment is a good idea. However, he is 5 .. not saying to just let it go, but keep that in mind. He might be struggling with hearing, vision or simply boredom. Especially if he's smart. | |
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Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | azsun - 2016-11-10 1:20 PM
I think you are correct in that an assessment is a good idea. However, he is 5 .. not saying to just let it go, but keep that in mind. He might be struggling with hearing, vision or simply boredom. Especially if he's smart.
He's passed the hearing and vision assessments, and is VERY linguistically advanced for his age, and has been since he started talking. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | He's 5.
Maybe you're asking him to be a grown up too soon and he's lashing out. Maybe him "being mean" to other kids is him just bossing them around. Nit picking every little single thing he does has got to wear the boy out....
Let him be a child and don't forget to PRAISE the good he does. No one is perfect. especially not a 5 year old. Don't just punish the bad he does. When children are rewarded for doing even the slightest good thing, they continuously want to do more good. I don't even care if he just takes his plate to the sink. Don't get on to him for not washing it, praise him and thank him for taking it to the sink and helping with dishes without being asked. The bigger things will come in time. Like taking his plate to the sink and rinsing, then washing. Those come with time.
Have you ever said "good job" for the work he's done in class? Not just said No Bad when he does bad and let that overshadow what he did right ?
My mother NEVER praised me for doing good. Ever. Not once. Always got on to me for doing bad. It always overshadowed the good I did. Always. I could do all the good in the world and she wouldn't say thank you, or I'm proud of you. Therefor, I stopped trying. My Dad started saying thank you for this and I appreciate that and it completely changed my mood. I would do all the good I could just to hear my dad say he was proud of me. My mom eventually caught on. Sure, my dad would be disappointed in me but it hurt me more that he would say he was disappointed in my behavior after hearing him say he was proud. I never wanted to disappoint him. So I tried harder to be better. And he always rewarded my efforts. Even if I failed.
It's very easy to break a child's spirit. I believe it would be very beneficial to the whole family if you went to see a family psycologist.
Hugs to you and prayers sent your way!   | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 178
| I would request to have him evaluated at school. I would imagine that some of these behaviors would also come out during testing being done on him, and may help to give you some answers and possible solutions. Prayers for you and your husband. This parenting thing is not easy, and there isn't always a "right" answer. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 194
Location: Texas | I had one the EXACT same way! it started in pre k and he finally was out by 2nd grade and had a wonderful year. The best thing that helped us get through was I started giving him melatonin about 7 pm and I would lay down with him ( he wouldn't go by his self) about 7:30pm he would go right to sleep and his moods were always sooooooo much better the next day. I have learned he's a kid that has to have plenty of rest. Hope this helps some. I know the struggle! We went to a psychologist and tried everything . I had even considered holding him back a grade. i think his maturity level was a lot of it, but getting good rest helped him. It sounds minor but it made a big difference. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| How many times do you tell him something before he has consequences? Have you tried taking favorite toys away until he starts to listen? Some of this sounds like normal growing pains, but what I am getting is he just flat isn't listening/paying attention. When my husband was young he and his brother wouldn't get up in the morning. So one morning after his mom told them to get up and they didn't, his dad got ice cold water and threw it one them. Once his dad also just flipped the mattress and that threw them out of the bed. Spanking did nothing for my son, but not getting to go help at the buck outs while I did go was the best punishment ever for him. I discovered this when I was trying to poop train him at 2 1/2 or 3 years old.
Good luck!  | |
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Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | AshleyJ2911 - 2016-11-10 1:52 PM
I had one the EXACT same way! it started in pre k and he finally was out by 2nd grade and had a wonderful year. The best thing that helped us get through was I started giving him melatonin about 7 pm and I would lay down with him ( he wouldn't go by his self) about 7:30pm he would go right to sleep and his moods were always sooooooo much better the next day. I have learned he's a kid that has to have plenty of rest. Hope this helps some. I know the struggle! We went to a psychologist and tried everything . I had even considered holding him back a grade. i think his maturity level was a lot of it, but getting good rest helped him. It sounds minor but it made a big difference.
I have an alarm on my phone that goes off at 8:20, at which time he goes and puts his PJs on and we read a story. So he's in be by 8:30 and usually asleep soon after. Haven't tried the melatonin thing, but maybe that and pushing his bedtime back is a good thing to try. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 194
Location: Texas | My son told me he always rested better when he had the melatonin. | |
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Member
Posts: 7
| My parents took in my younger cousin when he was 10. He was so out of control that his mother couldn't do anything with him and he had been kicked out of school. My mom was a stay at home mom that could put the time in to him. Everyday she would call his teacher to get an update on his behaviour. When he came in from the school bus she would ask if he behaved that day. If he lied he would get punished and sent to his room for a bit where there was no TV, no video games, etc. He also had to bring a note home everyday that stated what his homework was that my mom had to sign. This way he couldn't lie and say he didn't have any. I believe after he had a few bad days in a row my mom even went to school with him one day. I believe the worry of her doing that again kept him in line. As far as staying on task he had a time limit. At dinner if he messed around it was time to take a shower. If he messed around and didn't get in the shower it was time for bed. If he messed around while doing his homework he didn't get to do something fun afterwards. Basically she kept a very tight handle on him. When he left six months later he was a straight a student. He was also not allowed soda or too much sugar. Needless to say she was burnt out by the time he left. I know your kid is a lot younger but maybe you can take something from this. Either way if you let them keep going down that path it will get worse. I will say he went back to his old ways once he was back at home cause his mom didn't want to put out the time with him. He was the kind of kid that you couldn't give an inch to. Not saying that they didnt do fun things with him but he had to tow the line. | |
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Hummer's Hero
Posts: 3071
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle | GLP - 2016-11-10 1:56 PM
How many times do you tell him something before he has consequences? Have you tried taking favorite toys away until he starts to listen? Some of this sounds like normal growing pains, but what I am getting is he just flat isn't listening/paying attention. When my husband was young he and his brother wouldn't get up in the morning. So one morning after his mom told them to get up and they didn't, his dad got ice cold water and threw it one them. Once his dad also just flipped the mattress and that threw them out of the bed. Spanking did nothing for my son, but not getting to go help at the buck outs while I did go was the best punishment ever for him. I discovered this when I was trying to poop train him at 2 1/2 or 3 years old.
Good luck!
I've recently implemented this--I made him get me his favorite movie and I hid it away--telling him that he would have the opportunity to earn it back by improving his effort in school. That I wanted his work done in class and his coloring to look like the coloring that he does at home, rather than scribbles. So far, I still have the movie, plus a couple other things... | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 612
| Some of this is normal but still needs to be addressed. At 5, kids can only remember one task at a time, so you can only give him 1 task at a time to do. In the morning, we used to have to specifically tell my son that at 7:15, he had to be done with breakfast and starting to get dressed. I am guessing that he is bored in school and maybe the teachers are so busy helping the other kids that he doesn't get as much attention. As far as roping and riding, my son is similar. I had to remind my husband that he couldn't tell my son that he doesn't have any try. Praise him for riding when he does and let him ride for short periods of time. My son is 10 now. Money motivated him at barrel races and hanging out with other kids helped a lot. When I wanted him to move up to a bigger horse, I had to pay him $5 to ride the bigger horse in the PeeWee's. The older he gets, the more he is motivated to work harder, but we still have to remind him to rope the dummy. Having success at youth rodeos has helped for my son to understand that practice makes a difference.
I want to add that at 5, my son seemed to be behind some of the other braver kids. At 10, he is riding my 1D horse and excited to start roping live steers. Kids advance at different ages.
Edited by JAG18 2016-11-10 2:30 PM
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Porta Potty Pants
Posts: 2600
| Since he's advanced, my guess is that he might be bored in class for one. Strong-willed as someone mentioned. There is a book called Raising the Strong Willed Child or something like that. I would probably read up on it. My son is extremely unorganized and it drives me crazy because I see him do his homework and it gets into the back pack, but it wouldn't get turned in. Finally read up on it the subject dealing with boys, so I could understand him better. Helped tremendously. He may not really understand concretely, the connection between his behavior and consequences. Probably natural for his age. His intelligence might be higher than his social age. I applaud you for staying on this. | |
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 Accident Prone
Posts: 22277
Location: 100 miles from Nowhere, AR | He sounds like a perfectly normal 5 year old boy who is not being given appropriate outlets for his energy. Nothing you said makes me think there is anything wrong here other than elementary school is constructed to be torture for kids like him, and many teachers don't have the time (or training) to handle the situation appropriately. Not to mention kinder has become WAY too academics oriented--this age should still be learning primarily through play, it's a developmental thing, and boys have the worst of it generally. | |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | Just wanted to add that the vision tests at school are worthless. If he hasn't been to an optometrist, I would highly recommend taking him. My son's behavior and academic performance improved dramatically when we realized he had vision problems and sought appropriate help.
Also, I walked both my boys to class everyday in kindergarten and drug their baby sister along too. Just preference, I know, but just wanted to let you know other moms do it too :)
Hang in there. And look for the good. | |
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