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 Extreme Veteran
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| My husand is down to the last few weeks of the police academy, and it's been pretty smooth sailing for the most part for the last 20 weeks. But recently things at home are getting more and more stressed, with a recent (last weekend) blow up. I know he's stressed with the academy in general, he HATES the mon-fri/9-5 life style so thats been wearing on him, and then naturally we have our every day upkeep needs as well. Are there any wives/girlfriends/spouses who have been through an academy like this who can offer some advice on how to keep my sanity for these last few weeks? I feel like things won't just magically change after the academy ends, but maybe with that stressor gone it will help after all? He worked in fire prior to this, so running calls and being on the job is something he misses and wants back desperately. Everyone says FTO is worse than the academy. I'm trying not to lose my cool, but I'm kind of at a loss for what to do from here on out.... Oh, did I mention that within a week (in June) we bought a house, had a wedding, and he accepted his current job (and started the academy 2 weeks later). It's been a crazy year.  | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
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Location: Kansas | I dated a cop, and I was the very patient understanding girlfriend.....but let me tell you, during FTO and probabtion...it's very stressful | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| hoofs_in_motion - 2016-11-18 8:46 AM I dated a cop, and I was the very patient understanding girlfriend.....but let me tell you, during FTO and probabtion...it's very stressful
That's what I've been hearing. I don't know what else I can do to make it easier on both of us. But then part of me feels like it's not ONLY my responsibility to make things better. | |
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Posts: 231
Location: On My Horse! | First off, congratulations to him and welcome to the family! I'm a female LEO..For me, the academy was a breeze..0740 to 1640 hours, Monday through Friday for 26 weeks. Once you're on FTO it changes. It's gets stressful because you're in a totally new environment trying to find your way around quickly. Add in bouncing from day shift to nights for training purposes. What I would suggest is keep an open channel of communication. Talk, talk, talk. Wait until he comes home, let him unwind and then talk. Tell him how you're feeling..Sounds like y'all had a lot thrown at you at once. There are also some Facebook pages for spouses that you may find helpful. Good luck! | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| JRJ - 2016-11-18 10:05 AM First off, congratulations to him and welcome to the family! I'm a female LEO..For me, the academy was a breeze..0740 to 1640 hours, Monday through Friday for 26 weeks. Once you're on FTO it changes. It's gets stressful because you're in a totally new environment trying to find your way around quickly. Add in bouncing from day shift to nights for training purposes. What I would suggest is keep an open channel of communication. Talk, talk, talk. Wait until he comes home, let him unwind and then talk. Tell him how you're feeling..Sounds like y'all had a lot thrown at you at once. There are also some Facebook pages for spouses that you may find helpful. Good luck!
Thanks JRJ!
He loves loves loves the shift work, and greatly enjoys running calls, so I'm hoping that getting back to his 'normal' of being in the field will give him back some personal satisfaction. I think we both got complacent and dropped the ball on making sure we communicate every day. I'll have to try easing my way back into that habit. I really appreciate the reminder to let him unwind first. Sometimes I might be a little too eager and jump the gun when he gets home. | |
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Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | My husband has been in law enforcement of some type (police officer, sheriff's deputy, Chief of Police, college professor teaching Criminal Justice classes) our whole 37 years of marriage. While he was doing those jobs, he has always been involved in a ministry (youth pastor, leading praise and worship, and pastoring churches). In between all that, he went to law school. He now pastors a Cowboy Church, is the department head of the Criminal Justice Department at a Baptist University and is a sheriff's reserve. If we can live through all that with different schedules, shifts and dealing with all the other stuff that goes along with that... you can, too! Our secret - we keep God right in the middle of us!
Blessings to you both!! | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| horsesinharleton - 2016-11-18 11:45 AM My husband has been in law enforcement of some type (police officer, sheriff's deputy, Chief of Police, college professor teaching Criminal Justice classes) our whole 37 years of marriage. While he was doing those jobs, he has always been involved in a ministry (youth pastor, leading praise and worship, and pastoring churches). In between all that, he went to law school. He now pastors a Cowboy Church, is the department head of the Criminal Justice Department at a Baptist University and is a sheriff's reserve. If we can live through all that with different schedules, shifts and dealing with all the other stuff that goes along with that... you can, too! Our secret - we keep God right in the middle of us! Blessings to you both!!
This is the most awesome advice. Thank you so much!! | |
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"Heck's Coming With Me"
Posts: 10794
Location: Kansas | rpreast - 2016-11-18 1:07 PM horsesinharleton - 2016-11-18 11:45 AM My husband has been in law enforcement of some type (police officer, sheriff's deputy, Chief of Police, college professor teaching Criminal Justice classes) our whole 37 years of marriage. While he was doing those jobs, he has always been involved in a ministry (youth pastor, leading praise and worship, and pastoring churches). In between all that, he went to law school. He now pastors a Cowboy Church, is the department head of the Criminal Justice Department at a Baptist University and is a sheriff's reserve. If we can live through all that with different schedules, shifts and dealing with all the other stuff that goes along with that... you can, too! Our secret - we keep God right in the middle of us! Blessings to you both!! This is the most awesome advice. Thank you so much!!
People in law enforcement are awesome. My thanks to all of you.
.........and 
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Veteran
Posts: 231
Location: On My Horse! | You're very welcome! Keeping God first and in your relationship is also very good advice. Once you tell him how you feel, set time aside for you and him. When I'm off, I don't discuss work. I make my off days about my boyfriend and I. The whole unwind thing was a personal lesson I learned..After being off all day, I would be so anxious to see my boyfriend, I would pounce on him when I heard his truck in the driveway. All he wanted to do was take his sweaty clothes off and shower..He told me, just give him a few and let him unwind. Now it's our running joke.."Babe, can I bother you yet?" LOL! | |
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 Expert
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Location: Southeast Louisiana | I'm both a leo and the wife of one. But, the academy has been so long ago, I can't really remember what that was like, lol. Keeping God in your life was great advice.
Only other thing that came to mind reading your post was maybe to let him know that you know it's a stressful time and you want to do everything you can to help as much as possible and make it easier on him. Ask him what you can do. Sometime, guys in general are a little thick and you need to say stuff out loud so they can understand what you are doing.
If you are more organized, maybe make yourself a list of everything he needs each day and help him get things together. The first time you remember something that he almost forgot, believe me, he will appreciate you. I do remember going over everything several times to be sure I had everything. The last thing you want to do in the academy is forget some piece of equipment or clothing at home! Oh, the push-ups, lol!! | |
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Expert
Posts: 1280
Location: Texas | Congratulations on all of your life changes! It is all so stressful. Slow down, and give yourself a break.
I have been a police wife for 30 years. Yes, 30! My husband started the Academy after our wedding, and went through FTO, new job, new house, honeymoon baby & then another boom! It was crazy. I didn't actually think that I could make it. Seriously. The first 5 yrs. was H.A.R.D. I had a friend (divorced from a cop) warn me to get out before the wedding. 1000x that first 5 years I wished that I had listened. I resented him and the job. Then, things turned a corner. I changed. I stopped expecting him to be at EVERY family function. I stopped expecting him to be at home during the witching hour (you know that time in the evening when the kids are whiney and tired, and so are you). I stopped expecting him to be there to entertain me on my days off. I stopped expecting him to be home with me and the kids when there was something like a tornado, or a flood, or a fire. He was needed in town. I got strong. I got self-reliant. I chose to love him every day, even when I didn't like him and I sometimes hated what he did. There was so much good stuff too. You would get sick of reading this long reply if I listed it all. Through it all, he has always been my hero. The best thing is we raised 2 great kids, one of which is a baby cop that has just finished his own FTO training, and is loving his job. My husband always said that it was the only job that he would do for free. How could I pressure him to quit the very thing that made him happy? There were so many ups and downs in his career, and in our marriage. Still are. I don't have any magic advice, just words of encouragement. Hang in there! The divorce rate is super high in the LEO profession, but it doesn't have to be. People give up too soon I think. You gotta be all in, or you won't make it. I never found much support in from other LEO wives... frankly, all I heard them do was ***** about their husbands. That won't help. Surround yourself with positive friendships and supportive people. Pay for therapy if you think that helps. Go to more barrel races!! Make yourself happy, and enjoy your husband. His job is super stressful, and he doesn't need more stress from a resentful, unhappy wife. Ouch..sorry, for the blunt words. I am not saying that you are unhappy and stressing him out, just a little warning about where this can go.
Congratulations again on the wedding, the house, and all. You CAN DO THIS!
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 575
| tracies - 2016-11-18 2:27 PM Congratulations on all of your life changes! It is all so stressful. Slow down, and give yourself a break. I have been a police wife for 30 years. Yes, 30! My husband started the Academy after our wedding, and went through FTO, new job, new house, honeymoon baby & then another boom! It was crazy. I didn't actually think that I could make it. Seriously. The first 5 yrs. was H.A.R.D. I had a friend (divorced from a cop) warn me to get out before the wedding. 1000x that first 5 years I wished that I had listened. I resented him and the job. Then, things turned a corner. I changed. I stopped expecting him to be at EVERY family function. I stopped expecting him to be at home during the witching hour (you know that time in the evening when the kids are whiney and tired, and so are you). I stopped expecting him to be there to entertain me on my days off. I stopped expecting him to be home with me and the kids when there was something like a tornado, or a flood, or a fire. He was needed in town. I got strong. I got self-reliant. I chose to love him every day, even when I didn't like him and I sometimes hated what he did. There was so much good stuff too. You would get sick of reading this long reply if I listed it all. Through it all, he has always been my hero. The best thing is we raised 2 great kids, one of which is a baby cop that has just finished his own FTO training, and is loving his job. My husband always said that it was the only job that he would do for free. How could I pressure him to quit the very thing that made him happy? There were so many ups and downs in his career, and in our marriage. Still are. I don't have any magic advice, just words of encouragement. Hang in there! The divorce rate is super high in the LEO profession, but it doesn't have to be. People give up too soon I think. You gotta be all in, or you won't make it. I never found much support in from other LEO wives... frankly, all I heard them do was ***** about their husbands. That won't help. Surround yourself with positive friendships and supportive people. Pay for therapy if you think that helps. Go to more barrel races!! Make yourself happy, and enjoy your husband. His job is super stressful, and he doesn't need more stress from a resentful, unhappy wife. Ouch..sorry, for the blunt words. I am not saying that you are unhappy and stressing him out, just a little warning about where this can go. Congratulations again on the wedding, the house, and all. You CAN DO THIS!
I feel like I have a leg up in not expecting him to always be home and at every function. This is actually the first Thanksgiving that he will be able to come to since we've been together! Fire season made darn sure that I got used to him being gone, for days/weeks/months at a time. The hard part of his job switch was actually getting used to seeing him every day and not having a minimum 72 hours/week to myself! lol But I very much appreciate your blunt words. Being that I myself can be a little blunt, I think it's what I understand best! I've had so many people give words of caution about not alienating your prior friends and making sure to hang on to those friendships, so I'm trying to really confide in those people. I've only spoken with one other wife from the academy and there was a lot of complaining happening. So I don't think I'll be reaching out to them again!  | |
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Expert
Posts: 1280
Location: Texas | Also, I wanted to say that I don't remember my husband's academy stress (maybe because it was 30 yrs ago?), but I absolutely remember his stress during FTO program. It was so much worse. And my son went thru academy this year, & just finished the FTO program. I know for a fact he was super stressed during all of it. So, your husband's stress might get worse before it gets better. I noticed that my son really didn't want to talk about it. That really worried me. My husband handles stress by making jokes. He is a ton of fun to be around, but it's hard to have a serious conversation with him. Everybody has their own way of dealing with the stress. Be patient, and find ways to de-stress yourself. 
Edited by tracies 2016-11-18 4:07 PM
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