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 BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
    
Location: Missouri | My daughter is 18 years old and in the past 4 years we have lost alot of people. My husbands Grandmother, two weeks later my mother, five months later my brothers 11 year old daughter to cancer. Then the following year she lost a fellow student. The next year we lost my best friend who was like a second mother to her and five months later my mothers husband of 30 years, who was as good as a father to me and the only grandfather she had known, besides my biological dad.
Sunday evening, her best friends brother who is 17, fell asleep on the way home from deer hunting, ran off the rode and died from his injuries Monday evening. He was not wearing a seat belt and was less than 5 miles from home. They were very close and only didn't date due to the friendship between his sister and her. He had told her he was taking her to her senior prom this year.
She is over come with grief to the point of unhealthyness and has cried almost non stop for 2 days. I drover her to the hospital Monday to say goodbye, as his family graciously shared him with all that came. I sat in the hall and watched young person after young person attempt to deal with this senseless tragedy. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed and I felt completely helpless.
They have offered grief counseling to the students and a help line for those who need to talk over the holidays and I advised her to call, as I feel like she may need more professional help this time.
She is a beliver in Christ. My heart breaks for her. |
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 Bulls Eye
Posts: 6443
Location: Oklahoma | I am so sorry. Many hugs and prayers to your daughter in helping her cope with all the tragedy and loss. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | this will be the toughest one for her to come back from.She is at an age that is diffucult to believe life will go on.I would let her spend as much time as possible with her best friend,his sister,as possible.If she can grieve with his family,perhaps she can witness them healing,and heal with them.
Keep a close eye on her,and if needed take her in to the doctor.This is gonna be a long process.Be there for her,and just listen.
She is in my prayers as well as this young mans family. |
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BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri |
She wanted to be with her friend yesterday, but they were spending the day with family. Twice yesterday I know that my daughters friends at different times came to check on her. Two of them were there when I got home from work.
She has been saying she loved him and can't go on without him in her life. We had a discussion last night about that. A year ago my husbands uncle took his own life and she has stated many times how selfish an act that was. I am worried about her and do believe she may need professional help. I pray she is not entertaining the idea. I think she is smarter than that and really doesn't believe that it is an option. However she's said more than once that it's pointless to go on. |
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  Independent Cuss
Posts: 3978
Location: Dearing, GA | When I was 15, I found my father dead on the floor, and seemed to go on a spiral of losing people from there. I understand what she feels, and if she wants to chat I will be here.
The best thing my mom did for me is force me to go to a place called Camp Good Grief. I was there for three days (overnight), and met a dozen other kids who had experienced various kinds of losses. I was given coping mechanisms that I still use to this day, and that was almost 10 years ago.
I will pray for your daughter to find peace. Push her to talk to someone. |
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 Some Kind of Trouble
Posts: 4430
| Just praying for her. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Im glad to hear you have an eye on that.Trust me at her age she truly believes and feels it is useless to go on. I would keep her in my sights and make sure someone is with her at all times right now. I am speaking from personal experiance,so i understand her thought process very well.Im sure she loves him,and at her age,it seems as though her life is over.let her know how much you love her and need her in your life.right now she is devistated,and it may take years to move on. |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | Thank you for comming here to share this. I saw on FB yesterday something horrible had happened but didnt want to ask. hugs and prayers Tbred for you and your daughter. |
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BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | luluwhit - 2016-11-23 9:40 AM Thank you for comming here to share this. I saw on FB yesterday something horrible had happened but didnt want to ask. hugs and prayers Tbred for you and your daughter.
Thank you. This has effected me in a way that I didn't think it would as well. I am close to his sister since the girls have been friends for so long. She calls me momma :) I didn't really know her brother Logan, but being at the hospital all day Monday and witnessing the despare of his friends and family has really been emotional. I so wanted to be able to hug each child as I'm sure they would have wanted their mother to comfort them.
When they ushered everyone that was there into a large waiting room and announced he was not going to survive, 30 students just stood there. They didn't know if they should leave or stay. Then one by one they started to break down. It's so hard for young men to show emotion and they all seemed to gravitate to one side of the room and wept together but seperately. Oh my gosh I wanted to hug those boys and just hold them. I held my daughter for what seems like an eternity. |
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4641
Location: Texas | I have no suggestions... Praying for your daughter. |
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 I'm Cooler Offline
Posts: 6387
Location: Pacific Northwest | I'm so, so sorry for your daughter. I come from a really small school, and in the span of only about 6 years, we lost 10 people. Some I was close to, some I wasn't, but with it being a small school it had a ripple effect no matter what. It's not easy, and even though I've been graduated for almost 10 years now there are still people where their loss has stayed with me.
I definitely think she needs to see some sort of counselor. My grandpa was killed in a horrific accident, that both my parents witnessed, and if they hadn't gone to counseling I don't think my dad (it was his dad who died) would have made it. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 762
Location: NC | Major prayers!! I lost a few people in immediate family in about a years time, including my father in front of my mom and i. I was a few years older, but no matter what its still so hard. |
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 Looking for Lady Jockey
Posts: 3747
Location: Rodeos or Baseball games | Sending prayers your way. |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| Prayers, that is a lot for anyone to handle, yourself included and most definitely for an 18 year old.
You said she is a believer - do you have a regular church? Talking with a pastor or youth leader may be a good place to start, but I feel eventually a therapist may be beneficial, but she may not be open to talking to a stranger just yet.
But yes, keep a watchful eye. |
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"Heck's Coming With Me"
Posts: 10797
Location: Kansas | I'm useless in situations of this nature but I do understand despair. Is there anything you can do to distract her......a getaway to a beach or resort.....movies, restaurants, shopping..... anything that could take her mind off the tragedy. If she can see a light at the end of the tunnel it will gradually make a difference. |
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 To the Left
Posts: 1865
Location: Florida | Just listen and hold her. |
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 More bootie than waist!
Posts: 18425
Location: Riding Crackhead. | Prayers. Hug her tight. |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | My son has had a very bad year this year and I worried about him constantly after his father died in March. I still want him to see a psychologist but he won't go. I pray for him daily and come here often asking for y'all to pray too.
I had a horrible car wreck when I had just turned 17; my best friend was killed and my injuries were extensive. I was in the hospital for 2 months and unable to attend her funeral; they didn't tell me she was gone for several weeks because my doctors weren't sure I would live thru the trauma of that news. My parents took me to a psychologist after I got out of the hospital, but I only went twice because I didn't "see the need in telling my troubles to someone I didn't know and I was FINE". Now I want Chandler to go desperately but he knows about my not going after my wreck so. . . I felt (and still feel) guilty because I lived and Debbie didn't. I don't know why I'm here and she's been gone for 30 years. I said all that to say prayer is so powerful but if at all possible convince her to see a counselor.
I will be praying for your whole family and the friend's family. Pray God's mighty hand of peace and protection over everyone involved in this whole terrible situation. People her age should have the world by the tale, not dealing with this.
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2016-11-23 7:24 PM
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 Roan Wonder
Location: SW MO | Hugs and prayers for you both |
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 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| First of all, prayers for everyone. I suggest grief counseling and counseling from your minister. You might explain that her friend needs her to be strong right now too because I am sure she does. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | No advice just wanted to sent and  |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | thinking of your family today,and the young mans family as well. |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Chandler left right after lunch to go to the League, his deer camp on the river. (Its about an hour or more from our farm.) And I thought about this young man and his family, and how our lives can change in an instant. Many prayers again for all involved in this situation. |
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Addicted to Baseball
Location: Where the stars at night are big and bright, TX | Tbred, all I can add is that it will take her some time. Grief is normal, it's a process though, not a place to stop and stay. I read this timely message below that Sheila (ladyjockey) shared this morning on her FB page and thought of your daughter. 18 is young to emotionally comprehend all the losses, and it's not always east to rest our minds and seek in our faith for peace, but I still thought I'd share this and was told that I could. I hope she finds comfort in the words of those who have her on their hearts.
We can learn to enjoy life in knowing, God's presence is in every moment , in everything we do. Try reminding yourself throughout the day that God is with you and the moment you have right now is a gift from Him.
Yes, we have all lost loved ones, taking care of our elderly parents, when holidays come, don't make it a sad time, rejoice and enjoy each of the holiday and everyday! Know its the Lords will, not something we are entitled to, but actually need. We need to enjoy life for ourselves, also for Jesus, who paid a very high price for us to be able to. I have a saying that you honor their lives by LIVING yours to the fullest.
Life is a celebration! As is death. For we are ALL born to die in our flesh. Our Souls will live for eternity! John 10:19 Jesus said, " I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). I told you these things , that MY JOY and DELIGHT may be IN you, and that your JOY and GLADNESS may be full measure and complete and overflowing.
We can easily fall into a pattern of surviving and enduring rather than enjoying. John 17:13 when Jesus prayed to the Father ,that we would have joy. " And now I am coming to You; I say these things while I am still in the world., so that My joy may be made full and complete and perfect in them, that My enjoyment may be perfected in their souls, that they may have My gladness within them, Filling their hearts.
Have a BLESSED Friday, REJOICE and BE GLAD, for THIS is a Day The Lord has made just for you! For it is WITH God ALL things are possible.
Edited by Tilt The Kilt 2016-11-25 8:40 AM
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Thinking of all of you during this difficult time. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 899
Location: Idaho | Considering all of the losses that she has encountered, I think counseling/therapy will be beneficial to her mainly because it may cause her to be afraid to connect with anyone closely for fear of loss. She may seem a bit resilient as she is young, but the older she gets the more these things will come back and haunt her later. I have seen it happen multiple times with my people I know in my life. She needs to be able to learn to cope with losses properly, and come up with healthy coping mechanisms so she doesn't fall into a depressive state which she could be very vulnerable of. A good counselor that understands the effect of loss and also PTSD would be beneficial to her. |
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 Fact Checker
Posts: 16575
Location: Displaced Iowegian | I have no advice because I have not experienced this issue but certainly sending you and your daughter many hugs and prayers ....
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Location: in the ozone | DashNDustem - 2016-11-25 11:16 AM
Considering all of the losses that she has encountered, I think counseling/therapy will be beneficial to her mainly because it may cause her to be afraid to connect with anyone closely for fear of loss. She may seem a bit resilient as she is young, but the older she gets the more these things will come back and haunt her later. I have seen it happen multiple times with my people I know in my life. She needs to be able to learn to cope with losses properly, and come up with healthy coping mechanisms so she doesn't fall into a depressive state which she could be very vulnerable of. A good counselor that understands the effect of loss and also PTSD would be beneficial to her.
I agree with this. I am so terribly sorry for all her losses ... but she needs to learn HOW to grieve. Unfortunately many people think you should learn to "get over it" and it's not that simple. Grieving is normal, as long as she does not let herself wallow in it. A good therapist will help her with the skills to grieve and move on with her life, holding her memories dear to her. (and she may possibly need an anti-depressant for awhile too). She's had a tremendous amount of death/loss in a short time, in her short life. Prayers she will go and listen & heal. (it may take a few counselors to find one she is comfortable with - that is not uncommon. I had been to a couple & blew them off - they didn't have a CLUE about personal loss. I then found a great one!) |
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Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| Hope your daughter is doing a little better. Hasn't been very long but as time goes by maybe things will improve. |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Keeping your daughter and the other family in my prayers. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| Prayers for your daughter |
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BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | First thank you all for your prayers. A little update she did call a counselor but is not making an appointment. She talked for a while on the phone. She did come out of her room on Thanksgiving. She didn't carry on any conversations, but was present. Her cousin by marriage on my husbands side spent time talking to her in the evening. They are close in age and they share the same loss.
Friday she spent the afternoon and evening in the living room with my husband and I and we watched alot of fun movies that evening. She laughed. It almost made me cry.
Saturday, dinner at my mother in laws. She came, she smiled and talked a little. We all went cosmic bowling that night and she had fun.
Monday 1st day back to school. I think this was hard. She didn't talk much.
December the 4th will be the visitation and service. I'm expecting her to go backwards a bit. |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Even tiny forward steps are good. |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Prayers for your daughter for the difficult days ahead.Along with this young man's family and all of the students suffering this huge loss.Prayers for you to have the strength to guide and help her as well. |
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Location: in the ozone | There are many stages of grief ... and you don't always travel from one to the next and on to the next, and you don't always go through them the same "pattern" as someone else. She is in shock still ... realization will set in more after the services. The anger stage could be 1-3 mos later ... please keep encouraging her to talk to a professional. |
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BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | Last night when she came home from work I could tell she'd been crying. She told me she had a melt down and about 10 minutes later I saw her grab the counselor's phone number off the counter. I'm glad she recognizes the importance of nipping it in the bud asap when she's feeling low. |
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Location: in the ozone | melt downs are not uncommon at all ... it's learning it's "ok" and how to deal with them.
Prayers she stays open to a counselor |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Tbred - 2016-11-30 8:18 AM
Last night when she came home from work I could tell she'd been crying. She told me she had a melt down and about 10 minutes later I saw her grab the counselor's phone number off the counter. I'm glad she recognizes the importance of nipping it in the bud asap when she's feeling low.
Sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. Still sending up prayers |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | Checking in on your daughter.Hope things are settling just a bit since the services.Still in my prayers. |
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BHW New Catch of the Day
Posts: 9884
Location: Missouri | jake16 - 2016-12-05 12:49 PM Checking in on your daughter.Hope things are settling just a bit since the services.Still in my prayers.
Thank you. The visitation and memorial service was yesterday from 2 to 6, with a dinner following. She got home about 9 and I didn't ask why so late. She didn't look like a mess (like she'd been really crying alot) and I asked her how things went about 10 o'clock and asked a few questions about the service. She was down but seemed okay.
I was going to go but decided not to unless she asked me to be there with her. Thanks again for thinking of her. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| Prayers |
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I cant' seem to help her with her grief this time