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 Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Ok, so this isn't a huge deal but wanting to get some opinions on this incident. I'm a step mom to this amazing young lady. I've been in her life as her dad's girlfriend and wife since she was very little, so you could say we know each other pretty good and I would say we are close. Her mom decided to grow up and be mature about the situation as it was a very I immature deal but I feel like my step daughter is treated good and fair and both homes, having the best of both worlds. I have always wanted her to feel like her home with us is very similar or complete like her other meaning she has her own clothes, toys, etc at our house and doesn't have to pack things back and forth. And because I do this I don't just let her pack a bag and take her things from our house to her other because I have found things don't get brought back, this includes toys and clothes. So on this one occasion, she left with a pair of socks from our house, no big deal, it's socks. Anyway she was helping me fold laundry over the weekend and told me that she thought this certain pair of socks belonged at her other house and that she must of wore the wrong ones back, and made no big deal about it, as i didn't either just said all well. We'll the next morning she was in the mud room acting fishy according to my husband so we was just kinda nonchalantly paying attention to her, well she pulled these socks out of her pocket and said oh I need to put these away, given shed just come up from putting her clothes away, and she always has her school bookbag with her as we pick her up from school the weekends we get her. So my husband kind of looks at me funny as I tell her ya you could probably leave those here since you have a pair from here at your other house, again she said ya I was going to, but we both knew she was trying to sneak them in her bookbag? So anyway we meet halfway to take her back as she lives close an hour away from us and I always wash her clothes from Friday and she wears them back to her other house, but she goes down to her room to change and comes up and we get ready to go and the thought crossed my mind I wonder if she snuck those socks back up but decided not to say anything as like I said, it's socks. So last night I went down to strip the sheets off a bed as we had some overnight company and I thought I think I'll peek in and see if she took those socks back, well she did, no where to be found. And like I said I'm not wanting to make a big deal out of this bc there socks but I think that fact that she lied more than once about it and chose to sneak them out of our house. I guess its irritating me more the fact that I am the one that buys her clothes and toys as I am the mom and that's just really not my husband's thing, but I buy her nice things and I guess to have her take things and not have them replaced it bothers me more to the point if I continues she'll end up with nothing here and everything there. And the things I buy her are no nicer than what she has at her other house, they're usually just different which I make a point so she doesn't have the same things clothes or toys at different houses. So as a group of woman of all kinds of kinds what do you think?
It's socks this time but will this turn into something bigger where I'm not going to be able to trust her with our own personal things as well or will it come down to her trying to do this same with her half siblings belongings?
Any experiences? She's 9.
And like I said it mainly bothers me bc she was sneaky and lied about it. And honesty the sock she wore back were nicer bc they were brand new compared to the ones she was sneaking back that were old.
And maybe this is something age wise she is going through, I've notice this school year her being more nosy about things, ease dropping on conversations and asking questions that honestly have nothing to do with her. And we've always kinda of made a point to keep our things that we feel don't need to get repeated at the other house to ourselves which is pretty easy to do as we only have her two days every other weekend....and maybe she does this at her other house to, idk.
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
 
| I have a stepdaughter.
My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours.
If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system.
Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her.
Those things are hers! | |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| Could there be an underlying reason for her taking the socks? Like giving them to a classmate that might not have any? But she's scared that she might get in trouble for giving her stuff away?
Re-reading also makes me wonder if she simply prefers the socks you buy her?? I understand wanting to keep "your stuff" that you buy her at your house, but is it really something to get your shorts in a knot about? Does her mother get jealous when she shows up with something you bought her, like a coat?? Are you trying to keep it from being a competition? I don't get why the kids world has to be completely and utterly separated. | |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | Why is everything so separate. ....are you maybe just a tad bit controlling.....m | |
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 1:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
bingo | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | If I'm reading right, the issue is about the lying, not the socks. I think I'd ask her if the system of keeping things at separate houses was not working for her. In that conversation, let her know that lying about things is the biggest issue and, if you need to come up with another system (like you relaxing the rules and letting clothes and things come and go as they will) then you can talk about it and make changes as needed so the rules work for everybody. She might just be getting stressed over stringent rules (like "oh, no, I moved some socks") then panicking and trying to fix it so you don't find out and it's no big deal. I would definitely address lying. But, in a way where can be involved and invested in the process. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 194
Location: Texas | lying is lying, but could the issue be that the socks belong at her moms house and even though you seem to think its no big deal, could she be scared that her mom is upset with her for leaving them at your house? She maybe trying to not upset anyone. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Why don’t you ask her what is going on with the socks? I would caution you, that for whatever reason it is, to be understanding and NOT get mad or upset, because what you really want to do right now is build trust with her, so that she can bring stuff up to talk to you and not feel like she has to hide anything.
So if it’s because she likes the socks at your house better and wants to take them home, ok so be it. If you see she is running out of socks at your house, let her, then ask her what she plans to do about it when she’s out and comes asking for socks. You are teaching her to be responsible and that her actions have consequences so if she takes socks home, she will need to remember to bring some. | |
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 Undercover Amish Mafia Member
Posts: 9991
Location: Kansas | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
I have to agree with this. While I'm not a step parent, but a parent to my daughter.....if she decides to take all her toys over to her fathers house, and come home with nothing to play with, that's on her. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 682
Location: Northwest | I'm in almost exactly the same position except my step daughter just turned 11. I use to be very anal about clothes that we bought her and wanting them to stay at our house because she always wore hand-me-downs at her mom's house and we kept her well clothed (good quality, new stuff) and they'd never come back if she wore them to her moms. I have finally given up and let her wear whatever she wants back and forth. I sometimes feel it reflects poorly on my husband and I but I've decided I don't care anymore because I don't want to give our daughter a complex.
I've found that our daughter can be "sneaky" about clothes too. I think you just need to ask her directly WHY she is wanting to take the socks etc to her mother's. She might have a really good reason. I think the sneakiness comes from not wanting to disappoint you (us) or let you down in some way. Communication, communication, communication. Let her know that she isn't going to be in trouble, that you just want to know why she is doing the things she is doing. Honestly, she probably just likes the stuff you bought her better than her other clothes for whatever reason.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making myself very clear. But hopefully something in there will help you. :) Good luck.
Edited to add: she recently ran out of jeans at our house because her mother DOES try to get her to bring clothes/shoes back to her house and not leave it at ours. SOO, she wears stuff from our house AND takes the stuff she wore the day before :/ grr! Well, I feel it is her responsibility to have clothes in both places since I don't micromanage it anymore. So, for her birthday we gave her money and said she needed to go clothes shopping for some jeans and shoes. I figured the more invested in the process she is, the better.
Edited by 07milch 2017-03-13 12:58 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 2097
Location: Deep South | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM
I have a stepdaughter.
My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours.
If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system.
Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her.
Those things are hers!
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| 1DSoon - 2017-03-13 12:20 PM classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 1:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers! bingo
Ditto | |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I would be not worry about something so petty as socks. I have been helping my son raise his little girl since she was 18 months old, now she is 7 going on 8 and she has all her clothes toys whatever she needs here at my house and she has the same at her daddys house and now her mommie decided she was going to step up so she has Sterling a few days outa the week and sometimes on the weekend, Sterling goes between the 3 of us but mostly between me and her daddy, she is always wearing her clothes here and there, I never question what she wears to her moms, I buy these clothes for Sterling to wear, sometimes I send extras to with her to her dads are moms, they are clothes nothing more, To me your setting her up to be sneaky about her things and she feels like she got to lie so you dont chew on her about forgetting a pair of socks she worn to her moms. Heck if Sterling wants to take any of her toys with her she can when she gos stays with her mom I dont care I buy things for her to enjoy are wear.. Dont set this child up to feel as if shes got to lie because she forgot to change clothes befor she left your house, thats not right, poor kid. I feel this is so petty but it can grown into a monster if you dont give this kid a break. | |
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  Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-13 12:02 PM I have a stepdaughter. My best advice is to stop monitoring the things that come and go. They're her things, not yours. If she packs all of her stuff off, and comes back with nothing, that's on her. She has to make do with what she brought, trust me, she'll figure out a system. Mine has a few things that she leaves because they're too big to transport easily, but clothes and small things are fluid. If she wanted her big things to go, I'd pack 'em for her. Those things are hers!
I too am in agreement with this. Things are things, and at the end of the day, they are hers. I'm guessing she spends more time at her mom's house and you and your husband get her on the weekends or every other? She may want some cool stuff like that at her mom's house too. Don't make a big deal over the socks. Pick your battles on what goes where.
Now the lying is an issue and not something we tolerate at our house, even if it's little insignificant things like this. I wouldn't persecute her over it, but I would make it a point to sit her down and let her know that you and your husband know that she lied about it. We (my husband and I) would make it very clear lying is not ok and that parents never ask a question they don't already almost know the answer to, and if ya'll caught her lying again, she'll wish she hadn't. With little white lies like this, we make our 10 yo do write offs. Sounds silly, but it's effective and keeps them busy for a while. LOL Over Christmas we had one that lied about washing her hair.....twice. I let it slide the first time, but the second time I got her attention......AND she got coal from Santa. One small pc of charcoal with a note on her write offs that said, "Close call, kiddo!".
Don't over think it, but don't under think it either. I would allow her to take things back and forth between the two houses, but what I would not tolerate is any type of sneakiness or lying. Kids don't need any help gaining confidence in misleading or lying to their parents. They will continue to do it no matter what, but I feel like they need to know that WE KNOW! | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| When mine lies to me (she's a kid. Kids fib.), I call her out on it, firmly but not nastily, talk about how her lie made me feel, why you shouldn't lie, how to better handle a situation so you don't have to lie, and then tell her what her punishment is. Usually, the punishment is no toys or fun stuff for however long, she gets upset and cries, she dries up, punishment is eventually over, she gets a snack to replace the glucose the freak out used up, and we go on about our day.
We've got a pretty good system worked out and she hardly tries me anymore. Consistency, empathy, and understanding are key. Being a stepmom is hard, but being a stepkid must be a *****. | |
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 Veteran
Posts: 287
| I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst. | |
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 Hugs to You
Posts: 7549
Location: In The Land of Cotton | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 4:21 PM I hate stepchildren. I don't have an answer Worst years of my life was raising them Sorry for the outburst.
I am right there with you - **** if we did, **** if we didn't. | |
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 Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | She is just a LITTLE girl. I raised a stepson. I wouldn't worry about it at this age. She might not have an answer as she really doesn't know why she did this. Just love her and put your feelings aside right now. If she is still doing this 5 years down the road I might would worry about it. Can you afford to buy her more socks. If so it is not a big deal. Again just love her you don't have any idea what she might be going through right now. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Thanks for all the replies/advice.
Just to clarify I was not planning to get mad about this deal, and the actual socks were the least of my concern, it was the sneaking around and lying about it. Which I feel is not like her, we try to keep an open honest relationship with her. And I think the fact it was socks, is what surprised me, why wouldnt she just ask?
As far as her bringing things back and forth that was not started by us, her mother is the one who requested she wear HER clothes back. And my husband and i have sent toys with her that we got her for Christmas and they never got brought back, and I agree with those saying what's hers is hers, but we cant financially support buying her toys and clothes for both houses on top of child support and I don't feel that's fair to us.
And im not going lie it can someimes be a chore to get things ran through the washer when we have alot going on, but I'm talking several years ago if something didn't get returned, oh my husband would hear about it. She lost a blanket once, I would say around age 3, we had no idea where it went, her mom flipped, and I mean flipped, yelling and my husband telling him that was her blanket. Thankfully we found it, she was riding in a ranger with me checking cows and it got lost at grandpa and grandma's, we got it back to her though, and my step daughter never came back with a blanket, which was fine with us she had blankets at our house. :) I guess I agree with what one said, if she wants to take things and not bring any back then that's her prob, and yes I like that attitude and wish I had it but when it comes time to her needing something nice for church, a wedding, etc and doesn't have anything I bought her at our house bc I let her take them then it becomes my problem....unless I just let her wear whatever while the rest of us look cleaned up?
Honestly Ive felt like the system has worked in the past, and maybe I'm more lax about it and she was more concerned that her mom would be upset that her socks didnt get brought back but like I said they were socks. And though I know her mom very little I just can't imagine her getting worked up about socks, anything else yes maybe?
And maybe she's to the age it would just be easier for her to pack a bag when she comes but I feel like that's a pain for a nine year old every other weekenk, everyother holiday, and we actually have her over half the summer to worry about. It's just easy to have things in both places for her.
In reality it was the lying that I was concerned about and thank you for those who were reading that more than the issue being about the socks.
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | 07milch - 2017-03-13 12:45 PM
I'm in almost exactly the same position except my step daughter just turned 11. I use to be very anal about clothes that we bought her and wanting them to stay at our house because she always wore hand-me-downs at her mom's house and we kept her well clothed (good quality, new stuff) and they'd never come back if she wore them to her moms. I have finally given up and let her wear whatever she wants back and forth. I sometimes feel it reflects poorly on my husband and I but I've decided I don't care anymore because I don't want to give our daughter a complex.
I've found that our daughter can be "sneaky" about clothes too. I think you just need to ask her directly WHY she is wanting to take the socks etc to her mother's. She might have a really good reason. I think the sneakiness comes from not wanting to disappoint you (us) or let you down in some way. Communication, communication, communication. Let her know that she isn't going to be in trouble, that you just want to know why she is doing the things she is doing. Honestly, she probably just likes the stuff you bought her better than her other clothes for whatever reason.
I feel like I'm rambling and not making myself very clear. But hopefully something in there will help you. :) Good luck.
Edited to add: she recently ran out of jeans at our house because her mother DOES try to get her to bring clothes/shoes back to her house and not leave it at ours. SOO, she wears stuff from our house AND takes the stuff she wore the day before :/ grr! Well, I feel it is her responsibility to have clothes in both places since I don't micromanage it anymore. So, for her birthday we gave her money and said she needed to go clothes shopping for some jeans and shoes. I figured the more invested in the process she is, the better.
Your situation does seem similar. And I don't agree with being anal about where things go either but why do they think that they should wear the clothes at one house back and bag up what came from the other as well?!?! This is my point she will end up with nothing at our house. And like i said her mom buys her just as nice of stuff if not nicer and there not hand me downs bc shes the oldest in both households, like I said the stuff is different bc I make a point to buy her different things. And I would say she prob has 3 x the clothes at her other house, so why should I replace them? | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| I agree with Classic, STPG and SHR, but I wanted to add that it is perfectly normal for her to want to listen in and ask questions that aren't necessarily her business. I remember as a kid wanting to know what the adults were talking about. She is growing up and most kids think they are more adult than they are, haha. She sounds like a good kid, it's hard growing up and trying to please everyone. It's not easy for you either as a step parent. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | sorrel horse ranch - 2017-03-13 3:35 PM
She is just a LITTLE girl. I raised a stepson. I wouldn't worry about it at this age. She might not have an answer as she really doesn't know why she did this. Just love her and put your feelings aside right now. If she is still doing this 5 years down the road I might would worry about it. Can you afford to buy her more socks. If so it is not a big deal. Again just love her you don't have any idea what she might be going through right now.
I would love not to worry about it at this age but this is the age where I feel like you should be worried mainly because they know what's right and wrong. If you let it escalate for 5 more years she'll dang near be out of school and on her own and it really won't be my prob, but I want her to grow up to be a respectful young lady, one thats fair, honest, and trusting. One that treats others the way she wants to be treated. I dont know how many times we've talked about how mean girls can be, and I don't want her to be that mean, snotty, girl that picks on the other girls that aren't like her. And right now I feel like we have that girl, I've explained to her how to not pick and talk bad about people who are different, and that she doesn't have to feel like she has to be their best frind but I don't what her to follow a bad lead, just because all the other girls are doing it doesn't mean she has to also. Can you imagine trying to teach that to a teenager? | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | GLP - 2017-03-13 4:01 PM
I agree with Classic, STPG and SHR, but I wanted to add that it is perfectly normal for her to want to listen in and ask questions that aren't necessarily her business. I remember as a kid wanting to know what the adults were talking about. She is growing up and most kids think they are more adult than they are, haha. She sounds like a good kid, it's hard growing up and trying to please everyone. It's not easy for you either as a step parent.
She is a great kid! | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Peewee212 - 2017-03-13 4:07 PM
sorrel horse ranch - 2017-03-13 3:35 PM
She is just a LITTLE girl. I raised a stepson. I wouldn't worry about it at this age. She might not have an answer as she really doesn't know why she did this. Just love her and put your feelings aside right now. If she is still doing this 5 years down the road I might would worry about it. Can you afford to buy her more socks. If so it is not a big deal. Again just love her you don't have any idea what she might be going through right now.
I would love not to worry about it at this age but this is the age where I feel like you should be worried mainly because they know what's right and wrong. If you let it escalate for 5 more years she'll dang near be out of school and on her own and it really won't be my prob, but I want her to grow up to be a respectful young lady, one thats fair, honest, and trusting. One that treats others the way she wants to be treated. I dont know how many times we've talked about how mean girls can be, and I don't want her to be that mean, snotty, girl that picks on the other girls that aren't like her. And right now I feel like we have that girl, I've explained to her how to not pick and talk bad about people who are different, and that she doesn't have to feel like she has to be their best frind but I don't what her to follow a bad lead, just because all the other girls are doing it doesn't mean she has to also. Can you imagine trying to teach that to a teenager?
My mom was a huge believer in treating people as you would want to be treated. If she thought we were being unkind, she would ask us how we would feel if someone treated us the way we were treating them? How did it feel when people hurt our feelings or teased us a mercilessly? She discussed this with us, not lecturing. I must admit we had this conversation more than once, but the older we got, the less this discussion had to happen, until we didn't need that reminder any more. I did this with my kids, too. I am sure you have also done this, just a friendly reminder that you will have to reiterate this from time to time. I bet this little girl grows up to be a kind compassionate person with parents who care so much for her. Hugs, being a parent is not for the meek of heart! | |
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Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| A statement that struck me was the one about financially not being able to provide toys and clothing for both houses on top of child support and that would not be fair to you. Keep in mind it is not fair to ask this child to split her time between her parents, learn how to deal with the dynamics of this and the emotions that go with it yet she has no choice and is asked to do it. The point is I have observed so many situations where "we pay child support not going to pay for... creating a sad environment for the children. Regardless if you are right or wrong, put her first. As to the lying, most kids do it, just ask her why and tell her all she had to do is let you know if she needs or wants something. What her mother does and how she reacts is out of your control and really plays no part in what you do. Don't base your actions and decisions off what she does, base them off the best interest of your stepchild. Sounds like she has a pretty good step mother with you. Keep in simple, tell her she didn't need to lie, they are hers and she can pack what she wants but if she will need them at your house she needs to bring them back, she will figure it out. | |
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 Worst.Housekeeper.EVER.
Location: Missouri | Probably irrelevant, but my son has a sock obsession. He wears the same pair for every game, same pair with certain shorts, pants, etc. He is 11 and has started doing his own laundry because I can't wash them fast enough. Lol!
If the rule is and has always been that she's not allowed to take anything back to her home, I think it's completely normal that she tried to sneak them. What else was she supposed to do? Have an adult conversation about how the socks make her feel or why she likes them better?... I mean that can be the goal, but this seems more like a teaching moment than anything.
But, I'm not a stepmom. I did, however, split time between parents and I used to lay in my bed and smell the clothes I brought home from my dads house because it was as close as I could be to him until the next visitation. My favorite toys were always the ones he bought me. My mom and step dad had raging jealousy which just made me cling even tighter to the things my dad and grandma sent me or that I brought home from their houses. I swear I still smell my grandma's house on my old doll.
You know the song "Love Triangle"? I'm 38 years old and my parents love triangle still affects me and my own kids now. | |
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 The Vaccinator
Posts: 3810
Location: Slipping down the slope of old age. Boo hoo. | After reading most of this thread - my first thought was why does she feel like she has to sneak the socks -- why does she feel she cannot talk to you or her dad about wanting to take the socks home with her. That would be the big issue for me -- the socks, clothes, toys -- that's just stuff and it would not bother me for it to go and come as she wishes -- but the fact she did not feel okay about talking about wanting those socks -- THAT's the red flag in my opinion. I'd sit her down and just chat with her about it -- not in a threatening manner, but just let's talk about those socks sweetie, why you like them so much -- and next time there is something you want to "travel" with let me and daddy know -- so we know the washer did not eat them! I would highly recommend you work toward keeping the communications open -- and if she is at 9 years old beginning to feel like she cannot speak to you, THAT would be the issue that's I'd work on -- not where the clothes end up. (By the way, I've been a step mom for 39 years. Love my boys very much.) | |
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Angel in a Sorrel Coat
Posts: 16030
Location: In a happy place | rodeomom3 - 2017-03-13 5:51 PM A statement that struck me was the one about financially not being able to provide toys and clothing for both houses on top of child support and that would not be fair to you. Keep in mind it is not fair to ask this child to split her time between her parents, learn how to deal with the dynamics of this and the emotions that go with it yet she has no choice and is asked to do it. The point is I have observed so many situations where "we pay child support not going to pay for... creating a sad environment for the children. Regardless if you are right or wrong, put her first. As to the lying, most kids do it, just ask her why and tell her all she had to do is let you know if she needs or wants something. What her mother does and how she reacts is out of your control and really plays no part in what you do. Don't base your actions and decisions off what she does, base them off the best interest of your stepchild. Sounds like she has a pretty good step mother with you. Keep in simple, tell her she didn't need to lie, they are hers and she can pack what she wants but if she will need them at your house she needs to bring them back, she will figure it out.
Nancy said this so much better than me. I am not saying to not discipline your children. If you could ask my two they would tell you they were disciplined. Teach her right from wrong. But she is young and she may have something troubling her right now that she may not know how to tell you. Stay after her about right and wrong. But I think you are worrying about this one issue too much. I would tell you about my daughter and what she has accomplished but I wouldn't want to embarras her. Both my children are very respectful and successful because I was a strong disciplinarian. But I guess what I am saying is choose your battles. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth.  | |
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 Expert
Posts: 2128
| I feel bad for kids that have to live separate lives. :(
Not directed at the OP, this thread just had me thinking in general. I also couldnt imagine only having my child part of the time like some parents have to do. Being a step parent is a tough role, I applaud all those who step up to the plate.
When my dad remarried my mother hated his new wife. She wasnt shy about it either. Of course I took my moms side.. This new woman wasnt MY mother..she was changing my dad..blah blah. My step mom did for me anyway. She put up with my moms crap. She treated me and my brother like we were hers. She WAS THERE when MY MOTHER wasnt. My step mother worked extra hours to send me to private school, she ironed my clothes, made sure I had nice things, helped me with school work, cleaned up after me and so much more. She was just there. After a couple of years it all started clicking in my head.... when it came down to it, my step mother was who I could count on. Shes an angel and I am so thankful for her. So to all you step parents who think your kindnesses are going unnoticed, keep up the good work. The children will see it sooner or later. | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM
My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth.
You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page.
I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out.
It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD.
I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer.
As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here), if she were here full time.
I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing.
Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM
I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst.
Wow how sad. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM
My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth.
I think your being the better person here. I would have a terrible hard time buying things over and over to watch them get thrown out over and over. And though your not wanting your girls to suffer, they're figuring it out, if they take things back they know they won't get to keep them, so they'll learn to leave them.
Guess there's no way I would continue to do this, but absolutely agree with them having the neccesitis at your house for back up. We did this when she was littLe 1 and 2. She came with a bag and we set that bag home. Her mom might send her in flip flops each time so we learned to have a pair of shoes or boots. She had a few jackets and a coat and if it was chilI she wore it home bUT her mom always sent it back. Eventually it was just easier to have everything at our house but bc my step daughter learned from her mom that things stayed at her house I assumed that's why she never acted interested in taking things from our house. This was not a mold made by us. The socks are insignificant to her. She wore a pair from our house home not even knowing they were some I bought. She notice the ones in the laundry from weeks ago, that they were from her other house. And like I said I did not make a big deal about it, she chose to sneak them back when she had no reason to sneak. And now as I think about it maybe she wasn't sneaking them but more embarrassed about it, not wanting to ask, which I want her to feel like she can ask anything, but if it was more the fact that her mom has told her over and over to bring things back. I should have been thinking more along these lines before.
After your responses I feel much better about it as I don't feel like this sort of behavior is bc of us, I feel like she gets this from the other house, feeling like everything must be taken back....we were asked to make sure she wears the same clothes home?!?
So I will use this as a lesson, and plan to sit her down and have a nice conversation with her about how things can come and go, but this doesnt mean the same rule will apply at the other house.
As a new mother to a 6 month old, I honestly don't know how mothers bear to watch their kids go somewhere else every other week/ weekend either. It would break my heart. And I know all situations are different some didn't have a choice, but some do.
I'm not going to get into my husband situation bc I have on here before but he didn't choose this, this was her choice. And no he was not married to this woman nor in a relationship with her for a long period of time. But we made the best of the situation and I have very little respect for her mom, I will never tell her that or make her think I do not like her. I shouldn't even type it out as it's something we try to only think, but you can all take it how you want bc some will understand and some won't bc there on the other side. And I believe she has a great mom bc she is a wonderful little girl, but she has been a horrible co parent and still is. Communication is almost nonexisting, which we found is actually best for our situation but thankfully have a nice parenting plan to follow. And I actually love being a step mom, and I think she is more than ready to come to our house when the weekend comes, and she's an amazing big sister. But we have also been getting her regularly since she was about 2 or 3, so this is all she knows. I can't change the things that happen at the other house. And for the most part I feel like she has a good situation but there has been a time or two she was forced to do something an activity she didn't want and told me that her step dad told her it wasn't a choice....well I just told her when she was here that it was a choice she wasn't going to get forced to do something she didn't want to do min us chores and picking up after herself which she does a great job of.
Thanks again for the input. I agree and disagree but like one said we all have to find what works. And I can only do my part to make her feel comfortable with us and I will make an effort to let he know she can take things, but will also make her aware if she runs out that she will have to figure it out. Good advice.
Edited by Peewee212 2017-03-14 1:33 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 9:45 AM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth. You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page. I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out. It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD. I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer. As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing ), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here ), if she were here full time. I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing. Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.
Completely agree. One day Mom will grow up. Or she may never grow up. Either way is between her and the Lord above. Not I. My JOb is the girls. Not Mom. Being civil and nice to her is my job. Including their Mom in conversations with the girls is also somthing I do. Their Mom is not a dirty subject in our home. They love her in a way they will never love me. And I am completely okay with that. They love me in a different way. We talk about their MOm and adventures they go on and they paint and color pictures for her and I love seeing their faces light up when they talk about her and showing her their drawing and paintings. It's precious.
I agree. Once the money is given I don't care if she uses it on herself or not. I am a Mom as well with a baby girl of my own that stays with me 24/7. I sometimes need an extra $20 or $30 for a massage or pedicure or even a bottle of bubble bath etc just to keep my sanity.
As long as the girls have clothes at their mom's, food, water, etc I can't complain about her being a bad Mom. She's doing what she feels is best. I can't judge her for that. Is she right in what she is doing? Probably not. But it isn't my place to tell her how to parent. It is my job to help my SO parent at our own house and to be an ecouraging person in both his life and in their life. I help my SO parent by sticking to his rules he's given them to follow. Helping them follow those rules; That is my only job. Kids are smart. They pick up on little things. Especially when a parent says one thing and does another. Their Mom is very vocal in hating both my SO and I and our little one. My SO and I never say anything bad about their Mom in front of them. Once the girls are gone we may talk about what happened, but we usually let it go.
Maybe one day they can look back and remember me as always telling them the truth, always working hard for them, and always being the same person behind closed doors as I am in front of people and in front of them. I love my girls. All three of them. They're each a hoot and a half in their own special way. And that's all that matters to me. Clothes can be replaced, the relationship we all have can't. | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 1:57 PM
classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 9:45 AM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth. You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page. I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out. It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD. I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer. As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing ), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here ), if she were here full time. I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing. Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.
I agree. Once the money is given I don't care if she uses it on herself or not. I am a Mom as well with a baby girl of my own that stays with me 24/7. I sometimes need an extra $20 or $30 for a massage or pedicure or even a bottle of bubble bath etc just to keep my sanity.
As long as the girls have clothes at their mom's, food, water, etc I can't complain about her being a bad Mom. She's doing what she feels is best. I can't judge her for that. Is she right in what she is doing? Probably not. But it isn't my place to tell her how to parent. It is my job to help my SO parent at our own house and to be an ecouraging person in both his life and in their life. I help my SO parent by sticking to his rules he's given them to follow. Helping them follow those rules; That is my only job. Kids are smart. They pick up on little things. Especially when a parent says one thing and does another. Their Mom is very vocal in hating both my SO and I and our little one. My SO and I never say anything bad about their Mom in front of them. Once the girls are gone we may talk about what happened, but we usually let it go.
Maybe one day they can look back and remember me as always telling them the truth, always working hard for them, and always being the same person behind closed doors as I am in front of people and in front of them. I love my girls. All three of them. They're each a hoot and a half in their own special way. And that's all that matters to me. Clothes can be replaced, the relationship we all have can't.
You're awesome!! | |
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Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Peewee212 - 2017-03-14 1:25 PM
IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM
My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth.
I think your being the better person here. I would have a terrible hard time buying things over and over to watch them get thrown out over and over. And though your not wanting your girls to suffer, they're figuring it out, if they take things back they know they won't get to keep them, so they'll learn to leave them.
Guess there's no way I would continue to do this, but absolutely agree with them having the neccesitis at your house for back up. We did this when she was littLe 1 and 2. She came with a bag and we set that bag home. Her mom might send her in flip flops each time so we learned to have a pair of shoes or boots. She had a few jackets and a coat and if it was chilI she wore it home bUT her mom always sent it back. Eventually it was just easier to have everything at our house but bc my step daughter learned from her mom that things stayed at her house I assumed that's why she never acted interested in taking things from our house. This was not a mold made by us. The socks are insignificant to her. She wore a pair from our house home not even knowing they were some I bought. She notice the ones in the laundry from weeks ago, that they were from her other house. And like I said I did not make a big deal about it, she chose to sneak them back when she had no reason to sneak. And now as I think about it maybe she wasn't sneaking them but more embarrassed about it, not wanting to ask, which I want her to feel like she can ask anything, but if it was more the fact that her mom has told her over and over to bring things back. I should have been thinking more along these lines before.
After your responses I feel much better about it as I don't feel like this sort of behavior is bc of us, I feel like she gets this from the other house, feeling like everything must be taken back....we were asked to make sure she wears the same clothes home?!?
So I will use this as a lesson, and plan to sit her down and have a nice conversation with her about how things can come and go, but this doesnt mean the same rule will apply at the other house.
As a new mother to a 6 month old, I honestly don't know how mothers bear to watch their kids go somewhere else every other week/ weekend either. It would break my heart. And I know all situations are different some didn't have a choice, but some do.
I'm not going to get into my husband situation bc I have on here before but he didn't choose this, this was her choice. And no he was not married to this woman nor in a relationship with her for a long period of time. But we made the best of the situation and I have very little respect for her mom, I will never tell her that or make her think I do not like her. I shouldn't even type it out as it's something we try to only think, but you can all take it how you want bc some will understand and some won't bc there on the other side. And I believe she has a great mom bc she is a wonderful little girl, but she has been a horrible co parent and still is. Communication is almost nonexisting, which we found is actually best for our situation but thankfully have a nice parenting plan to follow. And I actually love being a step mom, and I think she is more than ready to come to our house when the weekend comes, and she's an amazing big sister. But we have also been getting her regularly since she was about 2 or 3, so this is all she knows. I can't change the things that happen at the other house. And for the most part I feel like she has a good situation but there has been a time or two she was forced to do something an activity she didn't want and told me that her step dad told her it wasn't a choice....well I just told her when she was here that it was a choice she wasn't going to get forced to do something she didn't want to do min us chores and picking up after herself which she does a great job of.
Thanks again for the input. I agree and disagree but like one said we all have to find what works. And I can only do my part to make her feel comfortable with us and I will make an effort to let he know she can take things, but will also make her aware if she runs out that she will have to figure it out. Good advice.
I think you're going to be way happier in the long run. It will all come out in the wash! | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Peewee212 - 2017-03-14 1:25 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth. I think your being the better person here. I would have a terrible hard time buying things over and over to watch them get thrown out over and over. And though your not wanting your girls to suffer, they're figuring it out, if they take things back they know they won't get to keep them, so they'll learn to leave them. Guess there's no way I would continue to do this, but absolutely agree with them having the neccesitis at your house for back up. We did this when she was littLe 1 and 2. She came with a bag and we set that bag home. Her mom might send her in flip flops each time so we learned to have a pair of shoes or boots. She had a few jackets and a coat and if it was chilI she wore it home bUT her mom always sent it back. Eventually it was just easier to have everything at our house but bc my step daughter learned from her mom that things stayed at her house I assumed that's why she never acted interested in taking things from our house. This was not a mold made by us. The socks are insignificant to her. She wore a pair from our house home not even knowing they were some I bought. She notice the ones in the laundry from weeks ago, that they were from her other house. And like I said I did not make a big deal about it, she chose to sneak them back when she had no reason to sneak. And now as I think about it maybe she wasn't sneaking them but more embarrassed about it, not wanting to ask, which I want her to feel like she can ask anything, but if it was more the fact that her mom has told her over and over to bring things back. I should have been thinking more along these lines before. After your responses I feel much better about it as I don't feel like this sort of behavior is bc of us, I feel like she gets this from the other house, feeling like everything must be taken back....we were asked to make sure she wears the same clothes home?!? So I will use this as a lesson, and plan to sit her down and have a nice conversation with her about how things can come and go, but this doesnt mean the same rule will apply at the other house. As a new mother to a 6 month old, I honestly don't know how mothers bear to watch their kids go somewhere else every other week/ weekend either. It would break my heart. And I know all situations are different some didn't have a choice, but some do. I'm not going to get into my husband situation bc I have on here before but he didn't choose this, this was her choice. And no he was not married to this woman nor in a relationship with her for a long period of time. But we made the best of the situation and I have very little respect for her mom, I will never tell her that or make her think I do not like her. I shouldn't even type it out as it's something we try to only think, but you can all take it how you want bc some will understand and some won't bc there on the other side. And I believe she has a great mom bc she is a wonderful little girl, but she has been a horrible co parent and still is. Communication is almost nonexisting, which we found is actually best for our situation but thankfully have a nice parenting plan to follow. And I actually love being a step mom, and I think she is more than ready to come to our house when the weekend comes, and she's an amazing big sister. But we have also been getting her regularly since she was about 2 or 3, so this is all she knows. I can't change the things that happen at the other house. And for the most part I feel like she has a good situation but there has been a time or two she was forced to do something an activity she didn't want and told me that her step dad told her it wasn't a choice....well I just told her when she was here that it was a choice she wasn't going to get forced to do something she didn't want to do min us chores and picking up after herself which she does a great job of. Thanks again for the input. I agree and disagree but like one said we all have to find what works. And I can only do my part to make her feel comfortable with us and I will make an effort to let he know she can take things, but will also make her aware if she runs out that she will have to figure it out. Good advice.
I hope you know that no one implied you to be a bad co-parent. I hope you know that it's the hardest job in the world and that you are doing a wonderful job. I hope you know that as long as you stay you and stay humble and stay truthful to that little girl, she'll love you regardless.
Parenting is hard. Parenting someone elses child is even harder.
You keep your head up and keep on keeping on.
Congratulations on your new baby and good luck with the Mom situation. It's tough.
Get that skin tougher and let it all roll off. The only thing that matters is that baby girl's happiness. As long as she's happy, who cares what Mom does.  | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 2:05 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 1:57 PM classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 9:45 AM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth. You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page. I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out. It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD. I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer. As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing ), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here ), if she were here full time. I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing. Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.
I agree. Once the money is given I don't care if she uses it on herself or not. I am a Mom as well with a baby girl of my own that stays with me 24/7. I sometimes need an extra $20 or $30 for a massage or pedicure or even a bottle of bubble bath etc just to keep my sanity.
As long as the girls have clothes at their mom's, food, water, etc I can't complain about her being a bad Mom. She's doing what she feels is best. I can't judge her for that. Is she right in what she is doing? Probably not. But it isn't my place to tell her how to parent. It is my job to help my SO parent at our own house and to be an ecouraging person in both his life and in their life. I help my SO parent by sticking to his rules he's given them to follow. Helping them follow those rules; That is my only job. Kids are smart. They pick up on little things. Especially when a parent says one thing and does another. Their Mom is very vocal in hating both my SO and I and our little one. My SO and I never say anything bad about their Mom in front of them. Once the girls are gone we may talk about what happened, but we usually let it go.
Maybe one day they can look back and remember me as always telling them the truth, always working hard for them, and always being the same person behind closed doors as I am in front of people and in front of them. I love my girls. All three of them. They're each a hoot and a half in their own special way. And that's all that matters to me. Clothes can be replaced, the relationship we all have can't. You're awesome!!
I don't know about all that. I know most days I get so stressed I just want to cry. LOL
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But it is so worth it! | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 2:10 PM classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 2:05 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 1:57 PM classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 9:45 AM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth. You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page. I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out. It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD. I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer. As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing ), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here ), if she were here full time. I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing. Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.
I agree. Once the money is given I don't care if she uses it on herself or not. I am a Mom as well with a baby girl of my own that stays with me 24/7. I sometimes need an extra $20 or $30 for a massage or pedicure or even a bottle of bubble bath etc just to keep my sanity.
As long as the girls have clothes at their mom's, food, water, etc I can't complain about her being a bad Mom. She's doing what she feels is best. I can't judge her for that. Is she right in what she is doing? Probably not. But it isn't my place to tell her how to parent. It is my job to help my SO parent at our own house and to be an ecouraging person in both his life and in their life. I help my SO parent by sticking to his rules he's given them to follow. Helping them follow those rules; That is my only job. Kids are smart. They pick up on little things. Especially when a parent says one thing and does another. Their Mom is very vocal in hating both my SO and I and our little one. My SO and I never say anything bad about their Mom in front of them. Once the girls are gone we may talk about what happened, but we usually let it go.
Maybe one day they can look back and remember me as always telling them the truth, always working hard for them, and always being the same person behind closed doors as I am in front of people and in front of them. I love my girls. All three of them. They're each a hoot and a half in their own special way. And that's all that matters to me. Clothes can be replaced, the relationship we all have can't. You're awesome!!
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. But it is so worth it!
It takes a special person to beable to help raise another woman/mans child..  | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Thank you. I think it sounds like your doing a great job. And this is why I came to this board hoping at least one person could put it into perspective and make me look at it differently before I talked to my step daughter, and though there were several, I really appreciate your input as another step mom dealing with a sometimes difficult situation.
I feel like we're doing the best we can with the situation we've been given. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Peewee212 - 2017-03-14 2:26 PM Thank you. I think it sounds like your doing a great job. And this is why I came to this board hoping at least one person could put it into perspective and make me look at it differently before I talked to my step daughter, and though there were several, I really appreciate your input as another step mom dealing with a sometimes difficult situation. I feel like we're doing the best we can with the situation we've been given.
That's all anyone can do.
Hugs to you! You've got this!! | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7549
Location: In The Land of Cotton | So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... | |
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Veteran
Posts: 287
| 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM
So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever...............
This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche.
The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet.
Yes. I am bitter.
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever...............
I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.  | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 3:03 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche. The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet. Yes. I am bitter.
I couldn't tell!  | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7549
Location: In The Land of Cotton | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
The oldest kids were 4 when we met. And went down to age 1. So, we had time for a bond. Just didn't happen. But, to me the biggest thing is - when the mothers take them so the dad's can't visit or have them every other weekend. This to me is what needs to be the biggest concern in divorce. (Baring, drugs, alcohol abuse etc., proven by a court system).
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.
So very true!!
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids. If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting....  | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7549
Location: In The Land of Cotton | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:27 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids. If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting....
We didn't have text in the early 90's LOL. And, people were not concerned about dads. I am glad it is changing. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 682
Location: Northwest | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 1:03 PM
3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM
So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever...............
This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche.
The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet.
Yes. I am bitter.
Well said. Everything you stated is spot on!!!! | |
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 My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 9:56 AM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM
I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst.
Wow how sad.
I thought the same thing. . . . | |
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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Being a step parent is extremely tough and not for the faint of heart or inpatient! I met my husband when his daughter was just 8, and not in the very least ready to share her daddy with another woman who also had 2 children close to her age! I don't know how, but we made it and we ALL grew up and learned to be together and love each other.. especially her and my daughter who is 4 years younger, i absolutely love seeing them together, they use to hate eachother lol! . she's 16 now and driving and we have an amazing relationship. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 3:27 PM
3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids. If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting....
I think you have lucky "kids", be they step or biological. Cause you have it figured out----that it's the kids and their feelings and well-being that matter, not the mother or father
I do understand that there are kids that cannot be won over or will never give the step parent a chance. But I think that all things considered, they are the exception rather than the rule. I am sorry for the step parents that have those in their lives. . . .
Edited by Chandler's Mom 2017-03-14 4:59 PM
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-14 4:52 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 3:27 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids. If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting.... I think you have lucky "kids", be they step or biological. Cause you have it figured out----that it's the kids and their feelings and well-being that matter, not the mother or father I do understand that there are kids that cannot be won over or will never give the step parent a chance. But I think that all things considered, they are the exception rather than the rule. I am sorry for the step parents that have those in their lives. . . .
I completely agree. I don't think there are any rules to be an exception from but I am very glad they are very willing and open children. That has to say something for their Mother and her parenting style. | |
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 Strong Willed Woman
Posts: 6577
Location: Prosser, WA | classicpotatochip - 2017-03-14 7:45 AM
IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 9:00 AM
My two girls leave to go to their moms with whatever they want. We keep extras here in case their mom forgets to send clothes (Which is often). Last time we picked them up, they were in summer clothes with stains and shoes that were too small. It's winter. She sent them without coats or clothes that fit because those items were hers and stayed at her house.
I immedietly took them to Walmart and bought them clothes and they were so excited to take them home and show their mom. Shirts, pants, leggings, boots, socks, undies, coats, and a small stuffed animal and blanket to sleep with. All went on the credit card....
Mom called my SO not even an hour after she picked them up and informed him that everything I just bought was going in the garbage because everything was bought from Walmart and those clothese just weren't good enough for her girls. This happens almost every time we get the girls. We pick them up, take them shopping, let them take or wear whatever they feel pretty in and if it comes back, it comes back. if it doesn't it doesn't. We buy more if their mom doesn't send anything. They always come back and say their mom threw everything away... It's heart breaking.
No, we don't have the extra money to spend on clothes each time but you can bet I'm not telling those two girls they can't take home new things just because I know I won't see them again. Especially when they get so excited about it. Toys included. They have started to leave stuffed animals and blankets here. They have caught on to their mothers ways to an extent. But it's still hard for them to not be excited to show their mom their new things.
I don't monitor what goes in or out. I just make sure they're happy. Their mother never sends them with much of anything anyway. And if she does, it never fits.
I think it's time to stop monitoring. She's 9. She's old enough to know what to pack and what to bring back. Don't put it into her head that these things are this house's and these things are this house's. Those are all her things. She's scared of getting in trouble over socks for Christ's sake! Have you ever thought she liked the socks you chose better and felt prettier in them? I know it's a stretch but come on. If what you buy her makes her happier, feel prettier, more confident, why deny her that?? So what if she doesn't come back with them. She'll remember them next time when she has no socks to wear. She will remember, OH! I need socks, and grab a pair.
She should have the freedom and joy of sharing between the houses, Just like you share her.
My two cents for what it's worth.
You and I should start a club. We're on exactly the same page.
I'm lucky and don't have to deal with a Mom that is a jerk about things that belong to her kid. We've got a pretty good dual citizenship worked out.
It would not have worked without BOTH parties being willing to exhale and remember that once you've handed it to the child, it belongs to the CHILD.
I just send the Mom a FB message letting her know what kind of activities and weather we're looking at, and she makes sure Brin packs accordingly. If kidlet needs something extra to be comfortable, we go buy it. If she wants it to stay, great. If she packs it, who cares? It does not belong to me any longer.
As for child support not being used for the child, ummm, as long as the kiddo has a warm, safe place to live, and enough to eat, who the hell cares??? It's money you legally have to pay, to the woman that is literally raising a child or multiple children. That's a huge job in itself, and the money is a tiny fraction of the resources she would have if she weren't divorced. Sorry but if she goes and gets her nails done after she gets her support check, the chick probably deserves it. I literally get a full body shudder thinking about having baby girl with me full time (she's got her mama's attitude and her daddy's stubborn streak, poor thing ), and I cheerfully transfer the money every month. That money is also a fraction of what said baby girl would be imbibing (read this in a funny tone here ), if she were here full time.
I'm a way better stepmom than I am a Mom. Some Moms need to get over themselves and remember that this is their kids here, and their jealousy and hate just don't count. There's stepmoms out there that need to remember the same thing.
Being a stepmom is awful, don't get me wrong, but my husband is worth it and the kid herself makes me laugh whenever we've got her. Wouldn't miss it, but it takes oodles of communication and shelved emotion.
What an awesome attitude about it! My husband once worked with a guy that sounded like you. He said his child support payments were about the same as his truck payments and his kids were sure worth more to him than a vehicle. Too bad more people don't realize this. The kids sure don't ask to be brought into any of this. | |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I guess I got lucky, cause mom is still being a jackwad but step daughter finally saw it for herself and realized my kids and I aren't the "enemy " it only took 8 years lol! But I wouldn't trade one second. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 5:04 PM
Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-14 4:52 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 3:27 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 3:21 PM IRunOnFaith - 2017-03-14 4:10 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 2:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... I can see this to be partially true in my particular case. However, being as young as the girls are in my particular situation I don't think the girls will ever truly hate me. They may say they hate me when they grow up and want to go out without a chaperone or something to that effect but that'll be different. The girls are smart enough to see who the bigger person is and are smart enough to form their own opinions about me because I let them have their own opinions on everything, including their Mom. They see people for who they truly are. That's the great thing about little ones. Starting out with a teen or tween would be very diffucult to me. Especially if they already have an opinion formed of you before they meet you.
I would never want them to hate their own mother or me for any reason. But I think you are missing the point of this discussion (Please take no offense to this at all because I mean no harm by it). The child's mother may get meaner, but that isn't my concern and it shouldn't be the OPs. It isn't my concern who has the fancier vacations or who is the "coolest" or Favorite Mom. Children see when you're trying to buy them and their favor. They know when gifts aren't sincere. They know when you're trying to one up the other parent and they know that isn't fair to them. They're smart! It is none of my concern if the children even like me. My concern is them, their happiness and their well being. The rest doesn't matter to me. At all. None of that matters.
You are right, being the other person whether woman or man is hard. Mainly because you are forced to deal with terrible things from the co-parent that you didn't sign up for. But again, those things don't matter. The kids matter. If the Mom doesn't want to see that, that is none of my concern. She can say the worst things about me, but those kids are smart enough to know the difference in a lie and the truth and I leave it up to them to figure out who is lying and who is telling the truth. For example if their Mother calls me a Witch the girls would know that I am genuinely a happy and nice person and that she was only being mean. Why? Because actions speak louder than words.
Drama happens in every family, whether in a one house situation or a four house situation, and no one can control that if it isn't them creating the drama. But children see how you react to things rather than what you say about things. I think the OP has a good chance since the child is only 9 to change her reactions to certain situations and maybe think outside the box for solutions to problems. I think it is much easier when the children are young and maluable.
My heart hurts for you. One day those kids may look back and see everything you've done and given up for them and see that maybe their Mom forced her opinion on them. Maybe one day they'll have their own opinion of you and it will be the right opinion. And I hope they do. Hugs to you.
Mom's take the kids and move them 150 miles one way - how is dad supposed to get off work and be there at 6. pm on Friday night to pick them up? If he isn't there by 6pm, you don't get the kid.
Divorce isn't pretty to anyone, especially with kids. But, please if you get divorced, think about the kids. Go with the flow, let her have the socks. Bring up lieing in a different manner, at another time. Let your kids see their parents, don't bash them, even if they are the spawn of the devil.
My SO was smart and put it in the divorce decree that she wasn't allowed to move out of the county and if she did, she had the sole responsibilty of bringing them to him when it was his weekend.
Here in our county if dad is 1 minute or 30 minutes late but sends a text and informs mom of being late at least 1 hour in advance it is contempt of court for the mother to leave without the father getting the kids. If the mother does not show up with thte children when she is supposed to , or leaves with the children, and is even 1 minute late without any explaination, text, or call informing dad that she will be late at least 1 hour in advance the kids get picked up by the sheriff at mom's home. If this happens more than 3 times, she goes to jail for contempt of court and is jailed. Dad automatically gets sole physical custody and Mom has to file for visitation. If sheriff cannot find mom with kids when it is dad's turn a warrant is issued and she goes straight to jail for kidnapping.... Our County here in Texas doesn't play games when it comes to co-parenting.... I think you have lucky "kids", be they step or biological. Cause you have it figured out----that it's the kids and their feelings and well-being that matter, not the mother or father I do understand that there are kids that cannot be won over or will never give the step parent a chance. But I think that all things considered, they are the exception rather than the rule. I am sorry for the step parents that have those in their lives. . . .
Agreed there are no "rules". Each child and situation is different. | |
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| Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM
I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst.
Wow how sad.
You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years. | |
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| wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM I hate stepchildren. I don't have an answer Worst years of my life was raising them Sorry for the outburst. Wow how sad. You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.
Why didn't your husband intervene and discipline his kids?? | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM
Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM
I hate stepchildren.
I don't have an answer
Worst years of my life was raising them
Sorry for the outburst.
Wow how sad.
You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.
How old were his daughters? | |
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Hugs to You
Posts: 7549
Location: In The Land of Cotton | rodeomom3 - 2017-03-14 10:12 PM wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM I hate stepchildren. I don't have an answer Worst years of my life was raising them Sorry for the outburst. Wow how sad. You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.
It has taken many years and counseling for my husband and myself to realize - no matter what we would have done, it would be the same outcome. Why? Because you can't change another person. Only yourself.
And, this was an educated woman - a lawyer (X)
Edited by 3canstorun 2017-03-15 7:01 AM
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| 3canstorun - 2017-03-15 5:00 AM
rodeomom3 - 2017-03-14 10:12 PM wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 8:31 PM Southtxponygirl - 2017-03-14 7:56 AM wickedstepmother - 2017-03-13 3:21 PM I hate stepchildren. I don't have an answer Worst years of my life was raising them Sorry for the outburst. Wow how sad. You have not idea. My life was a nightmare trying to raise them until they committed felonies against my 11 year old son. All at the encouragement of their mother that dehumanized my children and myself and her little "princesses" got away with murder. It was aweful and if I knew then what I know now about being a stepmom, I would have never even tried for 10 days let alone 10 years.
It has taken many years and counseling for my husband and myself to realize - no matter what we would have done, it would be the same outcome. Why? Because you can't change another person. Only yourself.
And, this was an educated woman - a lawyer (X)
To answer the first question, they were 14 and 16. And just to be clear, they committed felonies and do have warrants in 5 states for their arrest, they did not actually commit murder though. I don't want any misunderstanding cause I used a figure of speech.
And the last comment was spot on. The bio mom's in situations like ours are viscious. And the dad's are Disneyland dads. They don't discipline because they are afraid that their kids will hate them and won't want to come back. And in some cases that can be true. Especially in our case where there was parental alienation SO BAD that we actually got custody with limited contact from bio mom allowed by the courts. We relinquished that custody when they did what they did to my son.
I want to be clear that our children were all infant to 7 yrs old when we got together. They were 1, 2, 3, 5 and 7. I quite literally raised them because both my husband and his ex used me as free daycare. And I allowed it because we are conditioned to be martyrs and do our best to care for these children even when everyone is working against us. Then, as previously stated it becomes our fault.
Unfortunately, our horrible disfunction started just like this. Lying about stupid things like taking clothes from our house. Unfortunately I had to say something as they were often my daughters things taken out of jealousy and we just plain could not afford to replace them. Then BM would lose her sh!t because how dare I!! I'm no one! I'm just the step mom! And husband would either lash out at me cause I was an easy target, side with his girls cause he didn't want them angry at him or completely disengage and do NOTHING.
It was years of very traumatic disfunction for everyone and I really hope that the OP doesn't go through the same struggles. Blended families aren't always like the Brady Bunch, people. I should have left. Hindsight is 20/20
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| Sounds like a bad deal. They "used you for free day care"-do you think you should have been paid to care for your step children? Sad for the kids to grow up in such a mess. | |
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Posts: 287
| rodeomom3 - 2017-03-15 5:45 AM
Sounds like a bad deal. They "used you for free day care"-do you think you should have been paid to care for your step children? Sad for the kids to grow up in such a mess.
Of course I don't think I should have been paid. But to be expected to take care of them 24/7 and be abused by both parents is not ok. I was taken advantage of. Period. And you are right. It was sad, and it was a mess. I tried my @ss off to give those kids a loving home. And it derailed, badly, because their parents couldn't grow up. And years later, as I look back, it makes me angry and bitter. I was young and felt a responsibility to try and give them a stable parent because theirs SUCKED. I should've walked away, but I didn't. And unfortunately MY own children paid the price for it.
Edited by wickedstepmother 2017-03-15 7:56 AM
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Posts: 10277
| wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 7:55 AM rodeomom3 - 2017-03-15 5:45 AM Sounds like a bad deal. They "used you for free day care"-do you think you should have been paid to care for your step children? Sad for the kids to grow up in such a mess. Of course I don't think I should have been paid. But to be expected to take care of them 24/7 and be abused by both parents is not ok. I was taken advantage of. Period. And you are right. It was sad, and it was a mess. I tried my @ss off to give those kids a loving home. And it derailed, badly, because their parents couldn't grow up. And years later, as I look back, it makes me angry and bitter. I was young and felt a responsibility to try and give them a stable parent because theirs SUCKED. I should've walked away, but I didn't. And unfortunately MY own children paid the price for it.
It definitely was a bad deal and with your husband not being willing to discipline them you were doomed. | |
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Veteran
Posts: 287
| Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM
Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.
My gosh what is wrong with them, you gave them your love and kindness and then they gave you hell!!, yes I would be bitter too...Sounds like a case of the Bad Seed in these children.. | |
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boon
Posts: 3
| Take it with a grain of salt, but here is my perspective as a step child who was shuffled between houses. I can't tell you why your step daughter is doing what she is, but maybe this will help.
My parents split when I was 3. My mom wanted nothing to do with me until a few years later. Both were remarried, and each had a daughter and a son by the time I was 6. By that point, mom and dad were to far away to send me back and forth each weekend, so I spent my school years with dad, stepmom and his kids, and the summers with my mom, stepdad, and her kids.
I remember taking things from my dad's because I had a fear that when I was gone for three months he would forget about me. My stepmom was in love with her kids, and always told my dad that she "had her kids" and he had "his kid". Not the best way to nurture a relationship. When I was at mom's I would pack as much as I could of things from her house to take back to dad's - toys, decor from my room, clothes, etc - because I thought she would forget about me for the next 9 months I was at school and not want me to come back. It scared me knowing that both of me sets of parents had their "own kids" and had their own lives that operated perfectly find without me.
Maybe your stepdaughter is feeling worried about her place in the family? My advice to you - what I wish all my parents had done with me - is to talk to me. Ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel about going back and forth, what would make the transition easier, and anything else. If she is like me, she won't talk at first or she will play it cool, saying that all is good, but in reality she is scared. The truth will come out if she knows she can talk to you and trust you. My parents played the "he said, she said" game, and I always felt that I was to blame which made me keep everything bottled up.
It's now been 3 years since I have went back and forth and I choose to live close to my dad. I don't think parents realize how much of an impact they have on their kids. Stepparents have a very hard job, but I think it can be worth it in the end. My stepmother is someone that I can't talk to because she turns everything around. I always dreamed of having a stepmom who would want to spend time with me. Your daughter is more thankful for you than you think.
Just make sure she knows she can't lie, and that socks are not the big concern. She has to know that she can trust you. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM
Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.
Are you and the father still married?? | |
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Veteran
Posts: 287
| Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-15 11:00 PM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM
Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.
Are you and the father still married??
Barely | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | kacy_t - 2017-03-15 12:19 PM
Take it with a grain of salt, but here is my perspective as a step child who was shuffled between houses. I can't tell you why your step daughter is doing what she is, but maybe this will help.
My parents split when I was 3. My mom wanted nothing to do with me until a few years later. Both were remarried, and each had a daughter and a son by the time I was 6. By that point, mom and dad were to far away to send me back and forth each weekend, so I spent my school years with dad, stepmom and his kids, and the summers with my mom, stepdad, and her kids.
I remember taking things from my dad's because I had a fear that when I was gone for three months he would forget about me. My stepmom was in love with her kids, and always told my dad that she "had her kids" and he had "his kid". Not the best way to nurture a relationship. When I was at mom's I would pack as much as I could of things from her house to take back to dad's - toys, decor from my room, clothes, etc - because I thought she would forget about me for the next 9 months I was at school and not want me to come back. It scared me knowing that both of me sets of parents had their "own kids" and had their own lives that operated perfectly find without me.
Maybe your stepdaughter is feeling worried about her place in the family? My advice to you - what I wish all my parents had done with me - is to talk to me. Ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel about going back and forth, what would make the transition easier, and anything else. If she is like me, she won't talk at first or she will play it cool, saying that all is good, but in reality she is scared. The truth will come out if she knows she can talk to you and trust you. My parents played the "he said, she said" game, and I always felt that I was to blame which made me keep everything bottled up.
It's now been 3 years since I have went back and forth and I choose to live close to my dad. I don't think parents realize how much of an impact they have on their kids. Stepparents have a very hard job, but I think it can be worth it in the end. My stepmother is someone that I can't talk to because she turns everything around. I always dreamed of having a stepmom who would want to spend time with me. Your daughter is more thankful for you than you think.
Just make sure she knows she can't lie, and that socks are not the big concern. She has to know that she can trust you.
This made me cry for the young girl you were and how confused and scared you must have been. No one should feel that way. It sounds like you have your head on straight, and I think I can read between the lines and see you are quite the young lady now. Good for you for hanging in and keeping your chin up. May your future be bright my dear. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-16 1:02 AM
Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-15 11:00 PM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-15 8:02 AM
Indeed. Unfortunately, there is no manual on how to handle these situations and believe it or not, I'm the eternal optimist. I thought with all the love I had in my heart, it could be fix everything. Then reality happened.
Are you and the father still married??
Barely
It truly sounds like you had the most terrible situation going on and NO support at all. I hope your son is ok now, and I'm so sorry for all you went thru----and may still be going thru. . . | |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7543
| I don't have any advice, as I've never had personal experience on any side of these situations. I'd just like to say God bless the stepparents that try to be there for their stepchildren.
I do have a relative (my age) who was shuffled between mom/dad's house and my lord. To say the mom and dad are petty and immature is an understatement. Her mother is...well...shady to say the least. Constant drama, alcohol issues, using her daughter as a therapist etc. Dad is....well....the exact opposite and very well liked in his community, but ready to be rid of his daughter. I always felt that he wanted nothing to do with her and was only doing "what was right" very begrudgingly. Honestly, I think he may have been deeply ashamed that he reproduced with "the likes of" the mother. He couldn't wait until his daughter moved out, and just as soon as she did, he was renovating (erasing) that part of his house....which is totally understandable in most cases. Heck, my parents are fixing up their house now that myself and my sister are out, but it just seems different somehow. I always felt like something was "off" there, even when I was a kid, but couldn't put it into words until just recently. In my relative's life, it's her stepmother and stepfather that came through in the end. She has a close relationship with both of them, and I hope it continues. BTW, relative is a grad student, works three jobs, owns a house with her fiance, has many friends, and is an all-around fantastic person.
Some of the posts on here reminded me so much of my relative's situation....I'm sorry to those who didn't have a happy ending.
Edited by Just Plain Lucky 2017-03-16 4:59 AM
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Location: Not Where I Want to Be | wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 4:03 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche. The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet. Yes. I am bitter.
you sound like a lot of fun to party with.
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Strong Willed Woman
Posts: 6577
Location: Prosser, WA | 1DSoon - 2017-03-16 5:00 AM
wickedstepmother - 2017-03-14 4:03 PM 3canstorun - 2017-03-14 12:46 PM So totally off subject - but the mom's don't grow up. They get meaner as time goes on.......................It doesn't matter how nice you are to the kids, how much money you spend or places you take them on vacation to. If a mom has it in her head that the "step mom" is evil, she will be until the kids are out of college and married. Plus more. And, the kids will take her side - we are on year 30 (him being divorced and us 23) and it still goes on.
Being the "other" woman is the hardest thing ever............... This is no joke. And honestly, in a lot of situations the harder you try, the more threatened they feel and the worse they lash out. Their ego is more important than their child's psyche. The stepmother martyr expectations get frigging old. The stepmom is expected to raise a child that isn't hers like her own. But please be sure and tiptoe so as not to damage the fragile child that comes from a broken home. All the while, the bio mom is never expected to quit being an @sshole, dad is not ever expected to quit being a pussy and parent the child and/or stand up to bio mom when she is wrong and it's damaging to everyone. And when things go sideways, it gets dumped at stepmoms feet. Yes. I am bitter.
OMG. Thanks for the laugh. I've always thought the same about you. LMAO. | |
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boon
Posts: 3
| Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-16 1:07 AM
kacy_t - 2017-03-15 12:19 PM
Take it with a grain of salt, but here is my perspective as a step child who was shuffled between houses. I can't tell you why your step daughter is doing what she is, but maybe this will help.
My parents split when I was 3. My mom wanted nothing to do with me until a few years later. Both were remarried, and each had a daughter and a son by the time I was 6. By that point, mom and dad were to far away to send me back and forth each weekend, so I spent my school years with dad, stepmom and his kids, and the summers with my mom, stepdad, and her kids.
I remember taking things from my dad's because I had a fear that when I was gone for three months he would forget about me. My stepmom was in love with her kids, and always told my dad that she "had her kids" and he had "his kid". Not the best way to nurture a relationship. When I was at mom's I would pack as much as I could of things from her house to take back to dad's - toys, decor from my room, clothes, etc - because I thought she would forget about me for the next 9 months I was at school and not want me to come back. It scared me knowing that both of me sets of parents had their "own kids" and had their own lives that operated perfectly find without me.
Maybe your stepdaughter is feeling worried about her place in the family? My advice to you - what I wish all my parents had done with me - is to talk to me. Ask me what I'm thinking, how I feel about going back and forth, what would make the transition easier, and anything else. If she is like me, she won't talk at first or she will play it cool, saying that all is good, but in reality she is scared. The truth will come out if she knows she can talk to you and trust you. My parents played the "he said, she said" game, and I always felt that I was to blame which made me keep everything bottled up.
It's now been 3 years since I have went back and forth and I choose to live close to my dad. I don't think parents realize how much of an impact they have on their kids. Stepparents have a very hard job, but I think it can be worth it in the end. My stepmother is someone that I can't talk to because she turns everything around. I always dreamed of having a stepmom who would want to spend time with me. Your daughter is more thankful for you than you think.
Just make sure she knows she can't lie, and that socks are not the big concern. She has to know that she can trust you.
This made me cry for the young girl you were and how confused and scared you must have been. No one should feel that way. It sounds like you have your head on straight, and I think I can read between the lines and see you are quite the young lady now. Good for you for hanging in and keeping your chin up. May your future be bright my dear.
Thank you - that means a lot! I think we all do the best we can - both step parents and stepchildren - but it is a difficult situation all the way around. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | Thanks for your input and know Im so sorry for what you had to go through as a young girl, but know I appreciate your view especially since you've been that little girl.
I have always went out of my way to make sure she knows shes loved and missed when she's not here and we have talked about how we know shes loved and missed at her other home when she is at our house. She does go 10-15 days in a row in the summer each month at our house, and Im sure that's hard being away from her mom that long and how her mom does It I have no idea. But I have never had her hoping and wishing to return before that times up. And now with a brother she even more excited to come, but she misses out on so much (which I never tell her) when shes gone for 2 wks and here for 2 days. And she does have a sister at her other house that's older, I think 4 maybe, so she has the kids and one house kids at another, but we have never made her think that she is separate from them. She is a sister, we don't put the half in there even though she has asked me about that before, we just don't label it. And I had my concerns before we had our baby this past year, that maybe at the other house she was getting treated this way just alittle bit and I don't know this for a fact, this is just kinda what I got out of her, but she made the comment that her little sister still sleeps in her mom and step dads bed, and this is everyones own personal parenting choice, but we don't let the kids sleep in our bed, my step daughter never did and my son doesn't (he was in our room for a few months in a rocker, but is now in his crib not far from our room) but I feel like this bothered her and actually talked to my husband about it, that I don't want her to every feel like she doesn't think she's a part of our family or feels like shes a different part of it, when I talked to him I just told him I hope she doesn't think that her sister gets to sleep in their bed because she is THEIR kid?! She will be in a similar situation like you were with being 2 families with kids. I don't know and its none of my business if her mom plans to have more, but we are (will actually have an addition in about 7.5 months, shh don't tell anyone), but because she is older, 9 years older I could see how she could maybe feel this way, like we have our own family and they have their family and she just doesn't feel like she fits in either one, and I will do everything I can to make her never feel this way. I know its harder too with so much age in between, I started dating my husband at 19, he was 23, and she was 2 months old. We married when she was 2 and we weren't ready to have kids as soon as we got married, I was 22. And honestly I didn't want them that close in age more for the fact I didn't want my husband to ever have to choose one school function over another (were not close enough distance wise that our kids will attend the same school) and I didn't want that issue of feeling like we had to choose one over the other, and we wont this way, but the downfall being there 10 years apart in age, not that this was a deciding factor on when we were going to start a family, because we just weren't ready, I liked the idea of being married for a while. Her mom on the other hand married when she was 3 or 4? and had a baby right away, but they are still 5-6 years apart which a lot of families have their kids spaced out, so maybe I shouldn't be as concerned about that, I just came from a close made family, 4 in 4 years and if Gods willing I think Ill have my kids the same way. :) But want her always to feel like shes our kid just like the rest of our kids. I just know where there will be instances where she's going to feel left out more when they get old enough to tell her about things. We just don't make a point to tell her the things we do when shes not here that we know she would have enjoyed?!? And I know things will change when she gets older, and can drive, and have job, will probably start to loose her a little bit which I pray she still wants to come when it works. I guess im not sure what to expect as a step parent when that age comes, I feel the weekends obviously wont be set in stone, if she works or has school activities? IRUNONFAITH how does this work? Are yours old enough yet that their schedules are this busy? And know I shouldn't worry about this till the time comes, worry about today today and tomorrow tomorrow. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Peewee212 - 2017-03-17 3:54 PM Thanks for your input and know Im so sorry for what you had to go through as a young girl, but know I appreciate your view especially since you've been that little girl. I have always went out of my way to make sure she knows shes loved and missed when she's not here and we have talked about how we know shes loved and missed at her other home when she is at our house. She does go 10-15 days in a row in the summer each month at our house, and Im sure that's hard being away from her mom that long and how her mom does It I have no idea. But I have never had her hoping and wishing to return before that times up. And now with a brother she even more excited to come, but she misses out on so much (which I never tell her) when shes gone for 2 wks and here for 2 days. And she does have a sister at her other house that's older, I think 4 maybe, so she has the kids and one house kids at another, but we have never made her think that she is separate from them. She is a sister, we don't put the half in there even though she has asked me about that before, we just don't label it. And I had my concerns before we had our baby this past year, that maybe at the other house she was getting treated this way just alittle bit and I don't know this for a fact, this is just kinda what I got out of her, but she made the comment that her little sister still sleeps in her mom and step dads bed, and this is everyones own personal parenting choice, but we don't let the kids sleep in our bed, my step daughter never did and my son doesn't (he was in our room for a few months in a rocker, but is now in his crib not far from our room) but I feel like this bothered her and actually talked to my husband about it, that I don't want her to every feel like she doesn't think she's a part of our family or feels like shes a different part of it, when I talked to him I just told him I hope she doesn't think that her sister gets to sleep in their bed because she is THEIR kid?! She will be in a similar situation like you were with being 2 families with kids. I don't know and its none of my business if her mom plans to have more, but we are (will actually have an addition in about 7.5 months, shh don't tell anyone), but because she is older, 9 years older I could see how she could maybe feel this way, like we have our own family and they have their family and she just doesn't feel like she fits in either one, and I will do everything I can to make her never feel this way. I know its harder too with so much age in between, I started dating my husband at 19, he was 23, and she was 2 months old. We married when she was 2 and we weren't ready to have kids as soon as we got married, I was 22. And honestly I didn't want them that close in age more for the fact I didn't want my husband to ever have to choose one school function over another (were not close enough distance wise that our kids will attend the same school) and I didn't want that issue of feeling like we had to choose one over the other, and we wont this way, but the downfall being there 10 years apart in age, not that this was a deciding factor on when we were going to start a family, because we just weren't ready, I liked the idea of being married for a while. Her mom on the other hand married when she was 3 or 4? and had a baby right away, but they are still 5-6 years apart which a lot of families have their kids spaced out, so maybe I shouldn't be as concerned about that, I just came from a close made family, 4 in 4 years and if Gods willing I think Ill have my kids the same way. :) But want her always to feel like shes our kid just like the rest of our kids. I just know where there will be instances where she's going to feel left out more when they get old enough to tell her about things. We just don't make a point to tell her the things we do when shes not here that we know she would have enjoyed?!? And I know things will change when she gets older, and can drive, and have job, will probably start to loose her a little bit which I pray she still wants to come when it works. I guess im not sure what to expect as a step parent when that age comes, I feel the weekends obviously wont be set in stone, if she works or has school activities? IRUNONFAITH how does this work? Are yours old enough yet that their schedules are this busy? And know I shouldn't worry about this till the time comes, worry about today today and tomorrow tomorrow. All three of my girls are under 9 years of age so I have no personal experience with when they get older and have jobs.
I would imagine that if she has to work she could always make the drive to your house after work (I'm not sure the distance.) Or you could drive to her on your weekend and have lunch with her on her lunch break from work or take her to dinner after her shift that day on your weekend. When she is older it isn't set in stone that you can't come to her for your weekends either. :) If you continue to make an effort to be in her life I don't think she will ever not make the effort to be in yours. Children just want to be included and once she is older she may wonder why it is always her coming to you. She may like the idea of Lunch with just dad or lunch with just (step) Mom one day during your weekend. Make her a priority like you are now. She will need it more than anything when the awkward teen years come.
The thing with busy schedules is everyone has them but unless you make the effort to include yourself in them you may get overlooked accidentally. Just like she may get overlooked accidentally when she has a job or school activities. Day by day is how you take it.
The best way to keep her close is to keep her feeling welcome at your house. You're doing a great job. Also, congratulations on that new baby!
Edited by IRunOnFaith 2017-03-17 4:23 PM
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 Expert
Posts: 1304
| I didn't read everything but agree, it's probably not a big big deal but I'd just ask her calmly like it's no big deal! Maybe it's as simple as her liking the ones you got more, or maybe it's something deeper and kudos for paying some attention. Probably no big deal though.
I do have to say that my parents have been divorced since I was little and it's been a long haul. I've had my stepmom in my life since I was 7 and two stepfathers. The newer one is a lot better and makes my mom happy. I have sympathy on all sides. As a parent, as a step parent, and as a stepchild or child. I really feel for what each party goes through and have seen it. As a stepchild too, there's a lot of confusing feelings and for me I was always in the middle of everything. Nothing really got better until I turned 18 and my parents didn't have to deal with eachother anymore. My twin and I have a better relationship with each of them now and although I've been told we were good, I still feel sorry for anything I've ever done that made it harder for my parents or step parents. We've all come a long way and I'm just sending prayers to all of you. It's just plain tough but I believe has made me a stronger, wiser person. | |
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Whack and Roll
Posts: 6342
Location: NE Texas | Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation. I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing. That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband. My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August. My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4. My husband and I don't have children of our own either. When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation. I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife. I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation. Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure. Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot. After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet. BEST DECISION EVER!!!! Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls. There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant. Maybe even offer her a compliment. I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom". I knew my role clearly. I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak. Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour. My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about. I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.
There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge. It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point. It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way. Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with. Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things. If not, don't engage and just hit ignore.
We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great. We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me. My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together????? Yep, sure is. We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world. She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls. In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters". This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket. It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night. At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter. I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same. Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too. I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!
So, yes, it is HARD! Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed. You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved. But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life! I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children. I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do. I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife. She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women. | |
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My Heart Be Happy
Posts: 9159
Location: Arkansas | Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM
Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation. I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing. That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband. My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August. My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4. My husband and I don't have children of our own either. When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation. I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife. I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation. Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure. Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot. After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet. BEST DECISION EVER!!!! Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls. There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant. Maybe even offer her a compliment. I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom". I knew my role clearly. I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak. Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour. My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about. I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.
There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge. It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point. It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way. Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with. Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things. If not, don't engage and just hit ignore.
We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great. We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me. My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together????? Yep, sure is. We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world. She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls. In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters". This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket. It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night. At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter. I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same. Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too. I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!
So, yes, it is HARD! Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed. You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved. But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life! I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children. I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do. I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife. She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women.
Wonderful to read a response that shows there are families that make it work and everyone seems to be doing ok | |
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Expert
Posts: 2128
| Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-18 10:31 PM Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation. I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing. That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband. My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August. My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4. My husband and I don't have children of our own either. When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation. I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife. I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation. Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure. Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot. After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet. BEST DECISION EVER!!!! Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls. There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant. Maybe even offer her a compliment. I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom". I knew my role clearly. I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak. Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour. My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about. I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.
There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge. It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point. It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way. Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with. Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things. If not, don't engage and just hit ignore.
We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great. We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me. My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together????? Yep, sure is. We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world. She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls. In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters". This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket. It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night. At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter. I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same. Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too. I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!
So, yes, it is HARD! Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed. You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved. But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life! I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children. I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do. I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife. She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women. Wonderful to read a response that shows there are families that make it work and everyone seems to be doing ok
I love this. I know a couple of situations like yours and their kids have the best of both worlds. It really is an amazing thing. These situations can work and be wonderful if all parents are willing. | |
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 312
Location: KS | scwebster - 2017-03-20 8:27 AM
Chandler's Mom - 2017-03-18 10:31 PM Herbie - 2017-03-17 4:45 PM Reading all of this, I want some to know that there are also situations out there where things do work, and work well, and all are blessed in our situation. I am 100% positive my step daughters biological mother would say the same thing. That being said, it hasn't always been easy and I don't have children of my own, however the girls mom does have a younger daughter with her current husband. My husband and I have been together 8 years now, will have been married 7 in August. My step daughters are 10 and 13, and their younger sister with their mom is 4. My husband and I don't have children of our own either. When my husband and I first started dating, the girls were 2 and 5, and I was not sure about taking on the entire situation. I had never considered dating a man with kids, much less and ex-wife. I took a week to myself (during the NFR) after we'd been dating about a month to really consider things and make sure I was mature enough to handle this situation. Make sure I could understand that I would be helping raise two girls who may never look at me as a mother figure. Make sure that when/if the ex-wife made things difficult, that I could stand by my husband without stirring the pot. After I had really put alot of thought into the relationship, parenting, etc, I decided to move forward and jump in with both feet. BEST DECISION EVER!!!! Now, let me be clear.....every day has not been rainbows and unicorns, but growing up in a divorced family myself and remembering the things that really bothered me that my step mother did, I used that in how I treated and parented my husband's girls. There have been times in the beginning when his ex-wife wasn't comfortable with me completely, but everytime we saw her, I made it a point to smile and be pleasant. Maybe even offer her a compliment. I tried very, very hard to never make her feel intimidated or that I was trying to take over her role as "Mom". I knew my role clearly. I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to mark our territory, so to speak. Now don't get me wrong, there were many times in the beginning when I had to bite my tongue regarding things she said and how she spoke to my husband, things the girls repeated that she'd said when they were with us, and even her behaviour. My husband and I always tried to be very accommodating and to pick our battles with her.....only arguing the big things that we felt strongly about. I never argued with her directly, and never said a bad word about her or anything she had done/said unless my husband initiated the conversation, and even then, I chose my words carefully......after all, that is still the mother of his children, and out of respect for both him and his daughters, I will respect their mother and try to understand how hard it must be for a mother to see their children with another woman.
There have been many times she and my husband have disagreed and we have even had to go back to court once over her wanting to move out of state, but even with that and as angry as my husband was, neither he nor I hold a grudge. It was hard not to, especially when the wounds are so fresh and the thought of his daughters moving across the country was so real and close, but hatred, anger, and grudges wouldn't be in the best interest of those girls, so he and I decided it was just water under the bridge......after all, we all have a common goal and that is to raise these two girls to be great adults at some point. It didn't matter who won this battle or that battle between parents, it's about the kids, and that is the thing so many divorced parents forget along the way. Yes, there is usually one parent is who super disagreeable and difficult to get along with. Yes, it takes alot of maturity and pride swallowing to not engage or defend oneself when being attacked with words or actions, but when you take a step back and look at it, just ask yourself if that argument is really important in the grand scheme of things. If not, don't engage and just hit ignore.
We're now 8 years into this, and I feel like we are all doing great. We all sit together at sporting events, both sets of parents, and sometimes the younger sister sits with me. My step daughters' friends are always asking them.....is that your mom AND step mom sitting together????? Yep, sure is. We talk about everything from TV shows, to funny things the girls have done or gotten in trouble doing, crazy stuff going on in the world. She and I couldn't be more different in everything from politics, to interests, to style, but we have one thing in common and that is that we both love those girls. In years past, since the girls' mom's youngest daughter was born, I have always given that baby a Christmas gift or birthday gift...."from her sisters". This year their mom made me a big afghan blanket. It's beuatiful and I love it and use it every single night. At a volleyball game last year, we were talking, and she said to me.....if something was to ever happen to my husband and I, I would want you to raise our daughter. I know how much you love the girls and I know you would love Maggie the same and treat her just the same. Thank you for loving my daughters and I know they love you so very much too. I broke down......i'm crying like a baby now!
So, yes, it is HARD! Being a step mom will challenge you in ways you never dreamed. You will go through some tough times and question your decision to get involved. But with a little communication, maturity, understanding, tolerance, and much, much more, it can be the most rewarding thing in your life! I highly recommend that parenting styles, disciplinary styles, etc be discussed prior to marrying a man with children. I hope there are others out there who have a great marriage and fantastic step kids like I do. I'm even blessed with an amazing ex-wife. She's not perfect.....neither am I......FARRRRRRRR from it, but we respect each other and have the same goal, raising awesome women. Wonderful to read a response that shows there are families that make it work and everyone seems to be doing ok
I think that's amazing!!
That is definitely the best of both worlds. | |
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Off topic....children (step)