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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
  
| I do not like negative people and try my best to stay away from them or at least limit my time with them if it is necessary to be around them. However, I’ve noticed more and more lately that my husband is very negative. Honestly, just about everything that comes out of his mouth is negative in some way! A mutual friend of ours made the comment to him that he’d complain if his ice cream was cold. I laughed at the time, but the more I thought about it the more it hit me that that is SO true!
It’s to the point where I don’t like having conversations with him; I just feel brought down after being around him. I am the complete opposite, very positive and an eternal optimist..so I don’t know if that has kept me from seeing how negative he always was or if it is getting worse, or if I am just finally realizing how bad it is.
I’ve brought it up to him and he says it’s from all the stress, working too hard, financial stress, not doing anything fun, etc. Ok, so I do as much as possible so he doesn’t have any extra stress, I can’t do anything about his job, but at least he can relax when he’s home. I plan fun stuff on the weekends for us to do, but nothing changes.
And you know what? I have a lot of stress too! Everyone does! That doesn’t mean you have to be a miserable old cow.
Growing up he had a very difficult childhood and honestly, I think he needs to go to counseling and I offered to go with him or to go as a couple and he absolutely won’t do it. He won’t talk to his doctor about the possibility of being depressed either. He says he’s fine.
He says things will get better when he gets his raise, when our house is finished, when he gets a better pickup/trailer, etc. .…well you can spend all your life waiting for “better things” and it’s never going to make you happy or be good enough!
I don’t know what to do! The thought of this for the rest of my life give me a sick feeling. We have a young son, and as he’s getting older I’ve noticed him being more negative and that scares the sh!t out of me. I don’t want him growing up to be a miserable person!
I am so frustrated and don’t know what to do. I want to tell him to stop being a miserable old grouch, pull his head out of his @ss, and make his own happiness! Actually, I’ve done that and it didn’t work!
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
 
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Show him this thread that you started about him, maybe this will snap him out of being a miserable old crouch. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Southtxponygirl - 2017-06-13 10:04 AM
Show him this thread that you started about him, maybe this will snap him out of being a miserable old crouch.
If I thought it would make a difference I would! I've talked to him about everything and he doesn't see that there is a problem. Or if there is, it's not with him... I make sure I'm not nagging him about it either and approach him about it in a neutral way.. If he was a horse it would be a lot easier! Some time in the round pen and long miles and wet saddle blankets would make him see that his life isn't that bad/could always be worse!  | |
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Veteran
Posts: 233
| You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You have expressed you're concern and he blew you off. Now you have to decide if you are going to love him the way he is, leave him, or somewhere in between. | |
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 Good Grief!
Posts: 6343
Location: Cap'n Joan Rotgut.....alberta | And when the house is paid off and a better truck is in the yard..you know what...hes just gonna find somethibg else to be a crab about...some ppl just like to have a pity party for them selves..so if he wants to wallow in his self pity let him..take your son and do fun things with him to try and get him a bit more positive....most times pity parties just want attention by playing the whoa is me card....focus on your son and maybe your so will come around.....m | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | veintiocho - 2017-06-13 10:26 AM Southtxponygirl - 2017-06-13 10:04 AM Show him this thread that you started about him, maybe this will snap him out of being a miserable old crouch. If I thought it would make a difference I would! I've talked to him about everything and he doesn't see that there is a problem. Or if there is, it's not with him... I make sure I'm not nagging him about it either and approach him about it in a neutral way.. If he was a horse it would be a lot easier! Some time in the round pen and long miles and wet saddle blankets would make him see that his life isn't that bad/could always be worse!
Tell him him being a miserable ole crouch is getting really old and its starting to rub off on y'alls son and thats not in the plan on how to be raising your young boy, you dont want that happening at such a young age. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| hannahbug - 2017-06-13 10:33 AM
You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You have expressed you're concern and he blew you off. Now you have to decide if you are going to love him the way he is, leave him, or somewhere in between.
That is the part that I am stuck at. I don’t know what to do. If it was just me yes, but with our son it makes any decision a lot more complicated.
I don’t want an unhappy husband for the rest of my life – we are young, not even 30 yet! We’ve been together 10 years, and I can feel that it’s wearing on me. I don’t want to be another 10 years down the road and realize I’ve turned into a crabby old woman! The more I distance myself from him the easier it is to deal with the negativity and not let it affect me, but that isn’t how a marriage works. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don’t like the negative effects I am seeing.
I pray for him daily and know that God brought him into my life for a reason. I pray for guidance for myself too…I worry I might just snap one day and you’ll see me on here asking how to hide a body, lol.  | |
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  Sock eating dog owner
Posts: 4557
Location: Where the pavement ends and the West begins Utah | The only cure is Dr phil!! Or 3 bullets and baseball bat to the head. RUN RUN RUN. | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | veintiocho - 2017-06-13 11:17 AM hannahbug - 2017-06-13 10:33 AM You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You have expressed you're concern and he blew you off. Now you have to decide if you are going to love him the way he is, leave him, or somewhere in between. That is the part that I am stuck at. I don’t know what to do. If it was just me yes, but with our son it makes any decision a lot more complicated. I don’t want an unhappy husband for the rest of my life – we are young, not even 30 yet! We’ve been together 10 years, and I can feel that it’s wearing on me. I don’t want to be another 10 years down the road and realize I’ve turned into a crabby old woman! The more I distance myself from him the easier it is to deal with the negativity and not let it affect me, but that isn’t how a marriage works. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don’t like the negative effects I am seeing. I pray for him daily and know that God brought him into my life for a reason. I pray for guidance for myself too…I worry I might just snap one day and you’ll see me on here asking how to hide a body, lol.
Remember the 3 S's.. Shoot shovel and Shutup  | |
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Veteran
Posts: 233
| veintiocho - 2017-06-13 11:17 AM
hannahbug - 2017-06-13 10:33 AM
You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness. You have expressed you're concern and he blew you off. Now you have to decide if you are going to love him the way he is, leave him, or somewhere in between.
That is the part that I am stuck at. I don’t know what to do. If it was just me yes, but with our son it makes any decision a lot more complicated.
I don’t want an unhappy husband for the rest of my life – we are young, not even 30 yet! We’ve been together 10 years, and I can feel that it’s wearing on me. I don’t want to be another 10 years down the road and realize I’ve turned into a crabby old woman! The more I distance myself from him the easier it is to deal with the negativity and not let it affect me, but that isn’t how a marriage works. I love him, I want to be with him, but I don’t like the negative effects I am seeing.
I pray for him daily and know that God brought him into my life for a reason. I pray for guidance for myself too…I worry I might just snap one day and you’ll see me on here asking how to hide a body, lol.
Right now, the only thing you are teaching your son is that unhappy marriages are normal, and to stay in a miserable situation.
I get it. It took me several years to realize it wasn't getting any better, it wasn't going to get any better, and I needed to start living my life and stop wringing my hands expecting something to save me. It wasn't an easy decision, and the couple years after that weren't easy either, but it's a whole lot easier to sleep at night when you know you are doing the right thing.
Good luck. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| My husband started getting negative because of unbelievable stress at work. I pointed it out to him and asked him what I could do to help. Of course, there was nothing about the stress at work I could help him with, but he didn't realize how negative he had become. He would just sit in front of the TV and watch sports or Law and Order. I just started coaxing him to sit outside and have a drink with me and I would point out, "Oh, I love watching the trees sway in the breeze," or " how beautiful is that sunset" or let him tell me about work (I didn't understand one word) but I just listened and offered no solutions but just said, " You point out their vehicles and I'll go put busted beer bottles under the tires, I'm a mom no one will think it was me". He looked at me and just grinned. Was he still a negative nellie? Yeah, but it got a little better every day, he started looking forward to coming home and relaxing those few minutes before it was time to work at the house, or mess with the cows. He is back to his good old self now. But things have gotten better, he moved to another job with the same company, drought is gone, kids are grown and there is less stress. Sometimes you just need some one to vent to. Men don't do this like women do, but once I taught him to vent to me, he felt better.  | |
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 Ms. Marine
Posts: 4641
Location: Texas | Have a sit down heart to heart conversation with your husband when little one is asleep or not home.. Tell him exactly how you feel, and explain to him the importance of his outward appearance/demeanor to yall's child, and to fix himself. If he refuses then take the steps necessary to maintain your son's health and happiness. Just please don't automatically jump to divorce.. children need both parents present in their lives.
ETA: My husband had an extremely rough upbringing. His mother constantly blamed him for her hardships as a single mother, told him before both of his deployments that she hoped he didn't come home and most recently that he's not fit to be a father. He grew up in a very mentally abusive environment, but he doesn't allow that to dictate who he is or his outlook on life. It's a choice.
Edited by BarrelRacing4Christ 2017-06-13 12:26 PM
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 pressure dripper
Posts: 8699
Location: the end of the rainbow | When my husband hated the job he was at he was a complete jerk. I got tired of snapping back at him & when he would be cranky with me I would say very nicely "gosh honey I'm sorry. What did I do to make you so snotty with me?". When he would complain about things I would ask him what he or I could do to change the things he was upset about. He's not much of a communicator so it was hard but about 3 months in we finally broke the cycle. I also went to counseling on my own & we did some couple counseling. It was great to have a disinterested third party help out./span> | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| GLP - 2017-06-13 12:01 PM
My husband started getting negative because of unbelievable stress at work. I pointed it out to him and asked him what I could do to help. Of course, there was nothing about the stress at work I could help him with, but he didn't realize how negative he had become. He would just sit in front of the TV and watch sports or Law and Order. I just started coaxing him to sit outside and have a drink with me and I would point out, "Oh, I love watching the trees sway in the breeze," or " how beautiful is that sunset" or let him tell me about work (I didn't understand one word ) but I just listened and offered no solutions but just said, " You point out their vehicles and I'll go put busted beer bottles under the tires, I'm a mom no one will think it was me". He looked at me and just grinned. Was he still a negative nellie? Yeah, but it got a little better every day, he started looking forward to coming home and relaxing those few minutes before it was time to work at the house, or mess with the cows. He is back to his good old self now. But things have gotten better, he moved to another job with the same company, drought is gone, kids are grown and there is less stress. Sometimes you just need some one to vent to. Men don't do this like women do, but once I taught him to vent to me, he felt better.
Thank you! I know he has a lot of stress that I can’t help him with, but maybe offering to sit and listen would help. I do point out ALL of the good things I see and I’m sure there are times he may want to slap me for being too optimistic, lol. We are quite a bit different too, like after work I can’t wait to get home and start working horses, fixing whatever, or working on some project. Being busy is how I relax. Not doing anything is how he relaxes. If I was made to relax in the recliner after work I would probably chew my arm off. | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| veintiocho - 2017-06-13 12:28 PM
GLP - 2017-06-13 12:01 PM
My husband started getting negative because of unbelievable stress at work. I pointed it out to him and asked him what I could do to help. Of course, there was nothing about the stress at work I could help him with, but he didn't realize how negative he had become. He would just sit in front of the TV and watch sports or Law and Order. I just started coaxing him to sit outside and have a drink with me and I would point out, "Oh, I love watching the trees sway in the breeze," or " how beautiful is that sunset" or let him tell me about work (I didn't understand one word ) but I just listened and offered no solutions but just said, " You point out their vehicles and I'll go put busted beer bottles under the tires, I'm a mom no one will think it was me". He looked at me and just grinned. Was he still a negative nellie? Yeah, but it got a little better every day, he started looking forward to coming home and relaxing those few minutes before it was time to work at the house, or mess with the cows. He is back to his good old self now. But things have gotten better, he moved to another job with the same company, drought is gone, kids are grown and there is less stress. Sometimes you just need some one to vent to. Men don't do this like women do, but once I taught him to vent to me, he felt better.
Thank you! I know he has a lot of stress that I can’t help him with, but maybe offering to sit and listen would help. I do point out ALL of the good things I see and I’m sure there are times he may want to slap me for being too optimistic, lol. We are quite a bit different too, like after work I can’t wait to get home and start working horses, fixing whatever, or working on some project. Being busy is how I relax. Not doing anything is how he relaxes. If I was made to relax in the recliner after work I would probably chew my arm off.
My husband didn't want to tell me about work at first, because he thought it would upset me, hurt my feelings if he raised his voice. But I pointed out all the times I had vented to him and yelled and it didn't hurt his feelings. I told him I vented to him or my mom because it made me feel better and then I was nicer to him and the rest of the family. Sometimes you just have to blow some steam off.
He sounds like my dad, even at 85 with emphysema he works until he can't and then comes home and sits in his chair and watches TV. Drives my mom up a tree, but that is the only way he knows how to relax.
Maybe you could go ride and he could veg out in front of the TV, but after you have ridden, maybe y'all could sit and relax and let him vent. Really, try to get him to sit outside, though. It is really good to get fresh air and the night sounds and breeze really seemed to help relax my husband.
Good luck, I hope y'all get it figured out. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | Here's the thing about marriage.... You get so comfortable with a person that you let your real self show. You start comparing your partners real self with another person's make believe self. People only show you the parts of theirselves they want you to see until they know they are safe with you.
"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, and why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry for goodness sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."
We all have a darkness that we rarely if ever show to a person. So he's a Negative Nancy. Not every one can be happy 24/7. If he is nice and kind to you I don't see why him being negative should affect the way you love him or the way you live your life.
I struggle with PTSD and severe depression. Somedays my husband complains about me and it only makes me more depressed. He is happy go lucky and always wants to be around other people. I am an introvert with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Somedays all I want to do is lay in bed all day and stare at the wall all while trying to encourage myself enough to get out of bed to go grab a bite from the kitchen. Other days I want to go do things with friends, throw big barbeques, or have a house full of friends. Usually once I am with friends I start wanting to be alone again. Once I am alone again I feel depressed. It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
When he just sits with me quietly while I stare at the wall or when he just grabs my hand and kisses it while I'm in a funk, everything is right again. To a person with depression the best thing you can do is lie down on the floor and hold their hand quietly while they cry. This can be done is many different ways. Making us aware that we are hurting you or bringing you down only prolongs the funk. Depression is brought on by triggers. Sometimes it can hit you out of nowhere and last for days. Support him by being a quiet and constant companion. This too shall pass. I have attached a link for you. This should help you understand your husband a bit better and should give you directio on how to talk to him during an episode of depression. I couldn't find the original link but this one has all the info I was looking for. http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/supporting-people-with-depression/
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| IRunOnFaith - 2017-06-13 2:32 PM
Here's the thing about marriage.... You get so comfortable with a person that you let your real self show. You start comparing your partners real self with another person's make believe self. People only show you the parts of theirselves they want you to see until they know they are safe with you.
"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, and why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry for goodness sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."
We all have a darkness that we rarely if ever show to a person. So he's a Negative Nancy. Not every one can be happy 24/7. If he is nice and kind to you I don't see why him being negative should affect the way you love him or the way you live your life.
I struggle with PTSD and severe depression. Somedays my husband complains about me and it only makes me more depressed. He is happy go lucky and always wants to be around other people. I am an introvert with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Somedays all I want to do is lay in bed all day and stare at the wall all while trying to encourage myself enough to get out of bed to go grab a bite from the kitchen. Other days I want to go do things with friends, throw big barbeques, or have a house full of friends. Usually once I am with friends I start wanting to be alone again. Once I am alone again I feel depressed. It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
When he just sits with me quietly while I stare at the wall or when he just grabs my hand and kisses it while I'm in a funk, everything is right again. To a person with depression the best thing you can do is lie down on the floor and hold their hand quietly while they cry. This can be done is many different ways. Making us aware that we are hurting you or bringing you down only prolongs the funk. Depression is brought on by triggers. Sometimes it can hit you out of nowhere and last for days. Support him by being a quiet and constant companion. This too shall pass. I have attached a link for you. This should help you understand your husband a bit better and should give you directio on how to talk to him during an episode of depression. I couldn't find the original link but this one has all the info I was looking for. http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/supporting-people-with-depression/
Thank you for this! I understand what you are saying and I’m not trying to get change him to be super optimistic and happy all the time, but when his negative/crabby attitude affects our child and he starts to act that way too, or if it is affecting our marriage in a negative way, I’m going to address it.
If he has depression, it is not severe (severe depression is in my family so I have an idea what it looks like) if anything it’s from stress/over work, which I’ve experienced myself (and got help for!).
I think more than anything, it would help if he would go to counseling and hear it from a disinterested 3rd party like willrodeo4food said. I just don’t know how to get him to go.
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 929
| GLP - 2017-06-13 10:01 AM
My husband started getting negative because of unbelievable stress at work. I pointed it out to him and asked him what I could do to help. Of course, there was nothing about the stress at work I could help him with, but he didn't realize how negative he had become. He would just sit in front of the TV and watch sports or Law and Order. I just started coaxing him to sit outside and have a drink with me and I would point out, "Oh, I love watching the trees sway in the breeze," or " how beautiful is that sunset" or let him tell me about work (I didn't understand one word ) but I just listened and offered no solutions but just said, " You point out their vehicles and I'll go put busted beer bottles under the tires, I'm a mom no one will think it was me". He looked at me and just grinned. Was he still a negative nellie? Yeah, but it got a little better every day, he started looking forward to coming home and relaxing those few minutes before it was time to work at the house, or mess with the cows. He is back to his good old self now. But things have gotten better, he moved to another job with the same company, drought is gone, kids are grown and there is less stress. Sometimes you just need some one to vent to. Men don't do this like women do, but once I taught him to vent to me, he felt better.
this. It could always be worse. Just find the few things that he can be happy about or enjoy at the moment, and build on them daily. For example: today the sky is beautiful, tomorrow the sky is beautiful and so is the weather, etc. It may take a long time but if you go in tiny increments there is always that *tiny* thing he can feel good about. It's rough...I grew up with people like this and was like this until I moved away from everyone and decided to change my outlook on life. Good luck to you, I don't envy your situation but know that you will make the right decision no matter what it is. | |
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 Expert
Posts: 1631
Location: Somewhere around here | veintiocho - 2017-06-13 1:49 PM
IRunOnFaith - 2017-06-13 2:32 PM
Here's the thing about marriage.... You get so comfortable with a person that you let your real self show. You start comparing your partners real self with another person's make believe self. People only show you the parts of theirselves they want you to see until they know they are safe with you.
"The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you'll see their flaws. That's just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, and why friendships don't last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they're out of money or under pressure or hungry for goodness sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind. Love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it's seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship."
We all have a darkness that we rarely if ever show to a person. So he's a Negative Nancy. Not every one can be happy 24/7. If he is nice and kind to you I don't see why him being negative should affect the way you love him or the way you live your life.
I struggle with PTSD and severe depression. Somedays my husband complains about me and it only makes me more depressed. He is happy go lucky and always wants to be around other people. I am an introvert with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Somedays all I want to do is lay in bed all day and stare at the wall all while trying to encourage myself enough to get out of bed to go grab a bite from the kitchen. Other days I want to go do things with friends, throw big barbeques, or have a house full of friends. Usually once I am with friends I start wanting to be alone again. Once I am alone again I feel depressed. It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
When he just sits with me quietly while I stare at the wall or when he just grabs my hand and kisses it while I'm in a funk, everything is right again. To a person with depression the best thing you can do is lie down on the floor and hold their hand quietly while they cry. This can be done is many different ways. Making us aware that we are hurting you or bringing you down only prolongs the funk. Depression is brought on by triggers. Sometimes it can hit you out of nowhere and last for days. Support him by being a quiet and constant companion. This too shall pass. I have attached a link for you. This should help you understand your husband a bit better and should give you directio on how to talk to him during an episode of depression. I couldn't find the original link but this one has all the info I was looking for. http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/supporting-people-with-depression/
Thank you for this! I understand what you are saying and I’m not trying to get change him to be super optimistic and happy all the time, but when his negative/crabby attitude affects our child and he starts to act that way too, or if it is affecting our marriage in a negative way, I’m going to address it.
If he has depression, it is not severe (severe depression is in my family so I have an idea what it looks like ) if anything it’s from stress/over work, which I’ve experienced myself (and got help for! ).
I think more than anything, it would help if he would go to counseling and hear it from a disinterested 3rd party like willrodeo4food said. I just don’t know how to get him to go.
I know that you want your husband to go to counseling, and that might be perfect with some guys or couples even, but I think we have established here that he doesn't want to go. My bet is that he's uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a stranger about his personal problems. And it could be that his mind is so wound up with stress it's very difficult for him to unload and peel back the layers of everything that is bothering him. You husband sounds a lot like how I used to be. I have a pretty terrible childhood (just recently at the age of 26 I decided to cut off contact with my parents) and I had to workout through a lot of tough years, emotions, and stress in a different way that other people might think. This is something that will be slow and will take a while. I know you are trying and having a difficult time with your husband, but I say hang on a little longer and try going to a different approach.
Please take no offence, but as I'm trying to see this from his point of you and from where I can see he might be seeing you as nagging, which actually makes me recede into himself more. He might be thinking "I'm trying to be more positive but she keeps bugging me about this. Forget it, I'm done". NOW, I am not saying that you are nagging him but a lot of guys see their wives that way when all the wives want to do is talk though problems and make everyone happy. I'm like that, and I hate it when my husband doesn't talk to me when I'm trying to get a conversation going. BUT I have to think to myself "Is he sleepy/tired/really stressed out right now?" Kinda imagine him as a baby or toddler and think about if his needs are met lol.
My suggestion if hold on a little longer before you sign the divorce papers. You sound like a busy body type of girl and I think you should pick up a few books to educate yourself a little further. I HIGHLY suggest reading "5 Love Languages" and find out which language (or two) your husband has. They way you feel loved and happy could be the exact opposite of what your husband is OR you could be trying to force a love on him that he doesn't understand. I read this book a few years ago for my husband and myself and it really changed my outlook and perspective on our lives and how happy our marriage is (yes, I did marry young lol). If I feel like we ever get close to being in a rut with our love life I go back to that book and look at myself and how I've been treating him and how he's been treating me.
I really hope you don't take offence to this post, I really only want to help, but that is my 2 cents. Hoping everything works out amazingly! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Thank you! No offence taken! We are not even talking about divorce, however, if I ever felt my sons emotional health was a stake and I failed at physically loading my husband in the pickup and hauling him to counselling, then yes it would be an option :)
Right now we are both reading a book called “Love and Respect” which is really good and he’s surprised at how many times the book is making sense to him. He is not a reader, so this is a big step! Maybe after we’ve finished this one we’ll start on the Love Languages, I’ve heard a lot of good about it too.
I don’t think I nag him about it, honestly I just always ignore the negativity, but it’s after I noticed here lately that our sons been acting similar that I’ve brought it up.
He’s already cut off contact with his parents which is probably the best thing for him. His mom has gotten help with counseling, which has really changed her for the better, but contact is still very limited. I know he carries a lot of anger/resentment towards his parents & childhood, and what little he has shared with me has helped, he’s just not ready for the big stuff I guess. He would rather leave it alone, which is hard for me because I see something and I want to fix it… but I’ve learned that he won’t until he is ready.
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | You do realize that you are complaining about the man that works very hard to provide for you, don't you? Now who is the negative nellie? Let him vent a little then tell him he must say what he is grateful for everyday. start with one thing on day one. then each week add one more. before you know it he will be listing all these postive things everyday! | |
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | Oh by the way. I see more negative facebook posts by postive people B!tching about negative people. | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that.
I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that.
I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough.
I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner.
I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for!
Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks.
He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here.
Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy!
I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse!
I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from.
** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two.
*whew* that was longer than I intended!
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | veintiocho - 2017-06-14 2:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
hey I am glad you vented. you must have needed it. I don't take you as negative, just stressed out. Tell him to shut the hell up when he acts like a nag. Ask him what nice thing he did for you today and tell him what you did for him. But only one... maybe he will realize that he is allowing stress to turn him selfish | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| kwanatha - 2017-06-14 5:04 PM
veintiocho - 2017-06-14 2:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
hey I am glad you vented. you must have needed it. I don't take you as negative, just stressed out. Tell him to shut the hell up when he acts like a nag. Ask him what nice thing he did for you today and tell him what you did for him. But only one... maybe he will realize that he is allowing stress to turn him selfish
I can try that tonight! :) thanks! | |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | veintiocho - 2017-06-14 4:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
I dont see you being a negative Nellie at all, I see/heard someone that wants her husband a happy husband and fun dad for your son, your wearing yourself out, I think you need a hug  and him to see that your trying really hard to make a happy home for his family. | |
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Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | veintiocho - 2017-06-14 4:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
After this post here is what I vote:
2 week vacay without Hubby, preferably on a beach with a little umbrella in your drink. Take your son, leave the horses and have fun. Be spontaneous. Show your son how to be positive in every situation. Let Hubby see how terrible his life really would be if you were gone.
Best thing I've ever did was to leave on a vacay without him lol I got back and he was a completely different person.
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| IRunOnFaith - 2017-06-15 11:23 AM
veintiocho - 2017-06-14 4:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
After this post here is what I vote:
2 week vacay without Hubby, preferably on a beach with a little umbrella in your drink. Take your son, leave the horses and have fun. Be spontaneous. Show your son how to be positive in every situation. Let Hubby see how terrible his life really would be if you were gone.
Best thing I've ever did was to leave on a vacay without him lol I got back and he was a completely different person.
I will be doing exactly that in September! If I can hold out until then, lol! If you read a headline “Woman murders husband after he complained about eating spaghetti for the 3rd night in a row” – know that it was me!  | |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| veintiocho - 2017-06-14 6:56 AM
I do not like negative people and try my best to stay away from them or at least limit my time with them if it is necessary to be around them. However, I’ve noticed more and more lately that my husband is very negative. Honestly, just about everything that comes out of his mouth is negative in some way! A mutual friend of ours made the comment to him that he’d complain if his ice cream was cold. I laughed at the time, but the more I thought about it the more it hit me that that is SO true!
It’s to the point where I don’t like having conversations with him; I just feel brought down after being around him. I am the complete opposite, very positive and an eternal optimist..so I don’t know if that has kept me from seeing how negative he always was or if it is getting worse, or if I am just finally realizing how bad it is.
I’ve brought it up to him and he says it’s from all the stress, working too hard, financial stress, not doing anything fun, etc. Ok, so I do as much as possible so he doesn’t have any extra stress, I can’t do anything about his job, but at least he can relax when he’s home. I plan fun stuff on the weekends for us to do, but nothing changes.
And you know what? I have a lot of stress too! Everyone does! That doesn’t mean you have to be a miserable old cow.
Growing up he had a very difficult childhood and honestly, I think he needs to go to counseling and I offered to go with him or to go as a couple and he absolutely won’t do it. He won’t talk to his doctor about the possibility of being depressed either. He says he’s fine.
He says things will get better when he gets his raise, when our house is finished, when he gets a better pickup/trailer, etc. .…well you can spend all your life waiting for “better things” and it’s never going to make you happy or be good enough!
I don’t know what to do! The thought of this for the rest of my life give me a sick feeling. We have a young son, and as he’s getting older I’ve noticed him being more negative and that scares the sh!t out of me. I don’t want him growing up to be a miserable person!
I am so frustrated and don’t know what to do. I want to tell him to stop being a miserable old grouch, pull his head out of his @ss, and make his own happiness! Actually, I’ve done that and it didn’t work!
Oh my gosh. I swear while reading this I had to look back because I was wondering if I wrote it myself and forgot or something. You just described my life and husband word for word!!! The ONLY difference is we have 3.5 year old twin girls instead of a son. No matter how hard I try or how great of a mood I stay in, he is always negative and miserable. I have given up so much (including riding which kills me) but nothing is good enough. I have no idea how the heck I'm going to live like this for the rest of my life, but financially I am stuck for now. He too says it is because of stress and once we get our house fixed (we flooded in Baton Rouge in August 2016) and once he gets his business he just started up and going (which has brought in no income in the past 2 months) then he will be less stressed and will be happy. I say that is BS because he has been like this for the whole time we have been together (today is actually our 4 year wedding anniversary). Want to know what he is doing today and did all day yesterday?.... sleeping because he says he doesn't feel good. And screamed at me last night in front of the kids "F*** you" because I was upset that he slept all day when we have SO much going on right now. I have been telling him for years I honestly think he is bipolar but of course he denies it. I guess I say all of this to say that I feel your pain. I wish I had advice for you but my only advice would be to leave and never look back but of course that is always easier said than done. Most of the time I wish I could!  | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 696
| veintiocho - 2017-06-16 9:14 AM
IRunOnFaith - 2017-06-15 11:23 AM
veintiocho - 2017-06-14 4:50 PM You know, in a perfect world that’d be it. I’d be the Negative Nellie and need a little kick in the pants to get over it. But, when my day starts at 4:30 in the morning making lunches, laundry, working at least 1 horse, then feeding, getting husband up and off to work, getting kiddo ready and off to daycare, working from 7:30-4:00 at a high stress job, pickup kiddo, run any errands, get home, start getting horses saddled and ready to be worked by a little after 5:00 when he is home so he can watch kiddo while I ride and vice versa. I usually end up working his horses too because he doesn’t always care to. I don’t mind, I love doing it. By the time horses are worked, feeding is done it’s usually 8:00-8:30. I go inside and they’re waiting for dinner. I make dinner (that he never likes, which I’m not a good cook) wash dishes, bathe the kiddo, play, read, and put him to bed, straighten house, all while husband sits in recliner and relaxes. Which is fine, I don’t have a problem with that. I’ve tried limiting the time working with the horses, well then come the weekend/roping we’ve got horses that have issues and act up since they’re not being rode regularly. Or, he sees the horses sitting there not doing anything and complains about that. I guess what I have an issue with is that I try to make everything easier on him, because I know how hard he works, but it’s never good enough. I take too long working and feeding the horses, but he never offers to help feed to get it done sooner. I worked my tail off and got a nice pickup and it’s not good enough, so & so’s is better. Well mine is paid for! Or I pick up a movie I think he’d enjoy – it always sucks. He hates his job and wants to go back home to the ranch. I said ok, so we went and checked it out down there and he says he’d never move back. But he hates being up here. Honestly, I truly listen to him and told him whatever he wanted to do I’m fine with. Give me my horses and a piece of ground and I’m happy! I know he gets tired, frustrated, and feels overwhelmed at times, but having a sh***y attitude just makes everything worse! I guess growing up if I had a bad/negative attitude I was told to shape up or ship out. If I didn’t like something, I had better change it. If I didn’t change it, well that’s my own fault and I had to live with my decisions and had no right to complain about it. So that’s where I’m coming from. ** I’ve never said anything of the above to him or anyone and really the only thing I’ve brought up to him in regards to this is to tell him not to be crabby at our son, or asking him what’s bothering him/why is he in a bad mood. And I do recall saying, “Don’t be crabby at me” a time or two. *whew* that was longer than I intended!
After this post here is what I vote:
2 week vacay without Hubby, preferably on a beach with a little umbrella in your drink. Take your son, leave the horses and have fun. Be spontaneous. Show your son how to be positive in every situation. Let Hubby see how terrible his life really would be if you were gone.
Best thing I've ever did was to leave on a vacay without him lol I got back and he was a completely different person.
I will be doing exactly that in September! If I can hold out until then, lol! If you read a headline “Woman murders husband after he complained about eating spaghetti for the 3rd night in a row” – know that it was me!
Wow this is crazy. I will also be leaving for vacation without him soon. In December me and 2 of my girl friends are going to the NFR for a week (a gift from my dad for finally getting my college degree). Our lives seem extremely similar!!! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| I am sorry to hear all that! It’s tough! Trying to be positive and happy for 2 people is impossible and just wears you down! Sometime I wonder if my husband doesn’t have adrenal fatigue from stress which has led to a slight depression? He is ALWAYS tired and wants to sleep A LOT too. He still does the stuff he loves, but not as often and doesn’t seem to care about it as much as a few years ago.
I think a lot has to do with diet and lack of exercise. His job is very physical so the last thing he wants to do is come home and work out.
I’m sure he thinks he married into the 7th circle of hell because I try to get him to lift weights with me, go for a run/hike, or even eat a veggie….
 I don't pester him about it, but continue to hope he slowly comes around.
I will keep you in my prayers! | |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 672
| Thank you Roxie! *Hug!* | |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| veintiocho - 2017-06-15 12:44 PM
I am sorry to hear all that! It’s tough! Trying to be positive and happy for 2 people is impossible and just wears you down! Sometime I wonder if my husband doesn’t have adrenal fatigue from stress which has led to a slight depression? He is ALWAYS tired and wants to sleep A LOT too. He still does the stuff he loves, but not as often and doesn’t seem to care about it as much as a few years ago.
I think a lot has to do with diet and lack of exercise. His job is very physical so the last thing he wants to do is come home and work out.
I’m sure he thinks he married into the 7th circle of hell because I try to get him to lift weights with me, go for a run/hike, or even eat a veggie….
I don't pester him about it, but continue to hope he slowly comes around.
I will keep you in my prayers!
Adrenal fatigue is something to think about. My husband and I both took Standard Process adrenal supplement and it did help. | |
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Negative people in your life