|
|
Regular
Posts: 65
| Hello, this is off topic. my daughter came to me about 3 weeks ago and shared with me she thinks she needs to go on birth control...first, i'm glad she shared this with me, I support her wanting to be safe, but by supporting her, I feel like I'm saying "it's ok and i'm ok with her decision" and I'm not. We talked in length about it, I shared with her my feeling and experiences (not all of them) what I thought would help and asked her to please rethink her choice. Last night the topic was brought up again. I'm torn, part of me wishes she would have never said anything to me, but then I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to me, but I'm having a hard time with it all. She's 17 and has been in this relationship for about a year.
Anyone experience anything like this with their daughter?
|
|
| |
|
 Straight Shooter
Posts: 5725
  
Location: SW North Dakota | My daughter is 15 and to my knowledge is not "active." I have asked her, and I hope she will talk to me when the time comes. I am sure my opinion won't be popular, but when she comes to me with the question your daughter did, I will certainly schedule an appointment with a good doctor, get her a physical, and help her get BC. I am not promoting promiscuous behavior AT ALL, but s**t happens when you party naked, and if she wants help to postpone a dependant, I will help her (after we have a solid discussion about disease transmission and boys tarping their loads...) |
|
| |
|
 Elite Veteran
Posts: 889
| I am not a mom, but I was a teenager. Go to the doc with her, get her the birth control. Her talking with you is a good sign of maturity. Keep the dialogue open. You want to give her every available avenue to protect herself because in the end it's her decision. |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 3782
 
Location: Gainesville, TX | I never actually went on BC before I got engaged to my husband, but I do remember my Mom sitting me down to talk about boys as a teenager. Being from a fairly conservative religious upbringing, I did hear a lot of the traditional reasons to avoid sex at that age that were biblical. But one of the things that convinced me most about the damage that a physical relationship too early can do is when I read about the emotional damage that is done.
Regular relationships cause a lot of hurt when they end as teenagers but ones that have gotten really physical leave bigger emotional scars than those that don't. A result of this is that you can develop a lot of baggage that may prevent you from recognizing or being able to maintain a stable relationship with a person you are really meant to be with. You might try talking to her in that way, BUT since she asked about it I am imagining that ship has sailed a bit and you are left with the practical question of are you ready to be a grandmother. |
|
| |
|
 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Shes 17, be proud that she came to you with trust about getting on birth control, shes been with this fella going on a year so get her on birth conrol like she wants befor you become a accidental grandma.. She sounds like a really smart one with alot of sence  |
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 1343
Location: East Texas | When our daughter was 15, she didn't ask for birth control, although I was open and honest with her (and her boyfriend) about the consequences of having sex. After all, she was a pastor's daughter and I, too, believed that to put her on birth control would give her the "green light". Well, out of that relationship, when she was 16, she gave birth to a boy. A wonderful, fun-loving grandson that we would not take a million dollars for. We have raised him since birth, but I can tell you that if I had it to do all over again, I would have taken her to the doctor, insisted she get on birth control, and continued to talk to her about waiting until marriage. I have learned after raising two grown girls and now this grandson, that you can teach them, talk to them, encourage and love them, but in the end, they will make decisions that they may regret later. Funny now that this daughter is grown, she thinks her dad and I are so much smarter and wiser than when she was a teenager! Pray and ask God for direction!
Edited by horsesinharleton 2018-02-22 3:52 PM
|
|
| |
|
| You can't play ostrich with this situation and expect a good outcome so don't put your head in the sand. Educate her about safe sex and birth control. If she isn't going to choose abstinence then I would definitely get her to the Dr's office for birth control. Look into a long term birth control so she is covered best as possible and remind her that even the most effective birth controls are only 99% effective. Depo shot, iud or nuvaring are what I would suggest and remember she may need to switch the type of birth control if her body doesn't adjust well. Sounds like she is trying to be responsible and the best way to ensure her safety is to make sure she is well educated, not only to prevent an unwanted pregnancy but to also make sure she doesn't end up with an STD. Best advice I received was to make sure I knew the sexual past of my partner, it would suck to have to contact 20-50 people in 10 years because of an STD. |
|
| |
|
 You get what you give
Posts: 13030
Location: Texas | I'm not a mom yet myself but... I would go with her and help her get on BC. I would also make sure she knows that BC doesn't stop all the consequences of sex.. just pregnancy(most of the time). |
|
| |
|
 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | I remember my best friend's mom putting her on BC because of PCOS symptoms... My mom was horrified and couldn't fathom why my best friend's mom would do such a thing. My Mom said it's basically giving her a green light. My best friend kept herself for her husband. Her husband did the same. They were recently married after 3 years of Courting. Their firat kiss was at the alter.
I say that if she is mature enough to realize that mistakes happen, and that BC could possibly prevent an unplanned pregnancy then you should support her 100%. Be sure you work closely with her doctor to get her on the BC her body needs. I tried 3 different forms before I was put on LoEstren. It's the lowest form of estrogen BC possible. Anything else and it throws my horomones out of wack. Be sure once she is taking it that you document strange behavior, weight gain/loss etc and discuss possible changes to her BC. On a side note I have 3 friends who were on the Depo shot and got pregnant. Be sure she knows that her Beau needs to be safe as well... 
I had my little one out of wedlock and it was and still is one of the toughest things I've ever had to do. Rewarding. But tough. If I could have prepared for her arrival, planned out everything, and saved money before I got pregnant I am 100% positive that my little girl would have everything she wanted, not just everything she needs. I will always regret and blame myself for having her unplanned because in the end I know that if I had been able to plan for her arrival she would have such a better life than she has right now...
Edited by IRunOnFaith 2018-02-22 5:22 PM
|
|
| |
|
Red Bull Agressive
Posts: 5981
Location: North Dakota | Speaking from a kid's perspective, I was in my 20's and in a serious relationship (now married to him) when I started bc and was still to afraid to mention it to my mom. So it reflects well on you that your daughter was able to come to you about it. I would go ahead and make her a dr's appt to get it. While underage sex is never good and I would never condone it, there's no real way to prevent it. I think you just have to do your best to instill a solid moral compass and teach them about the physical and emotional consequences and hope they take that to heart. But if they don't, the bc is insurance that one mistake doesn't turn into a lifelong commitment. Sidenote-IUD's are awesome, I highly recommend.
Edited by cavyrunsbarrels 2018-02-22 5:31 PM
|
|
| |
|
 Horsey Gene Carrier
Posts: 1888
Location: LaBelle, Florida | She's 17 and came to you. A HUGE sign that she wants to be responsible. Support her.
I was 17 and went to my Mom. She made me go to my Dad first before sending me to the gyn. Talk about awkward.
My step daughter went on bc at 14. TOTALY different scenario but due to her living situation and how she was raised (not the best 'real mom'). Good thing she did go on bc.
My daughter is 13, and so far has not mentioned it. I have tried to be open about most things with her and hope she comes to me when she is ready. |
|
| |
|
 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| I raised 3 teenage girls, I understand your mixed emotions. The reality is she is going to have sex so I would put her on birth control. All you can do is have the conversation that you did have with her. Congrats on raising such a responsible daughter and having the type of relationship where she felt comfortable coming to you to discuss this. |
|
| |
|
Veteran
Posts: 155
| Do it!! I wish (way back when) I could have talked to my mom about this subject. My daughter is 26 now and asked me when she was about your daughters age. I was so proud of her to take the responsibility and so happy we had the type of relationship that she could come to me!
It sound like your daughter is a very responsible young lady and respects you. Be proud!!
Edited by Junebug1 2018-02-22 6:23 PM
|
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 618
| My daughter came to me at 16 just like I encouraged her too should she ever decide she was ready to take that step. We talked frequently about relationships and the meaning of sex for boys and girls and I was very direct with her bf about it too. I took her to a gun, helped her get the pills however she worked and she had to pay for the rx bc I wasn't paying for them so she could have sex. She did and kept up with it. She understood she had choices. She graduated from college suma cum laude in May. Moved 4 hrs away for first job and to live with that boyfriend. You can forbid, discourage, monitor all you want but the truth is they can get in the car to go store and do it in the backseat. Help her get bc but make her pay for the pills. Teach her the responsibility of it. You're not being a hypocrite, you're educating.
|
|
| |
|
 Kittahs Make Me Happah
Posts: 1136
Location: Oklahoma | support her. She trusted you enough to tell you. Trust her enough to know what's best for herself. It's easier said than done, and by all means, tell her what worries you and why. I have learned that being a parent of an adult is far and away harder than when they were smaller. |
|
| |
|
 Chicken Chick
Posts: 3562
Location: Texas | Well not letting her have BC is not going to keep her from being sexually active. She could use condoms, plan B... or just hope she doesn't get pregnant. Speaking from someone who was pregnant at 15 with super strict parents (boyfriend's mom would lie to my mom and say we were going to be with her, then she would go to the bar). I get you don't want her having sex, but keeping her off BC is not a chastity belt.
I was always the wild child but my sister was the perfect child. I had to talk and talk to convince my mom that my sister was sexually active at 17. She put her on BC. She obviously didn't want her to have sex, but it was better than pretending she wasn't active and her daughter having a baby before she could vote. |
|
| |
|
 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | From a daughter's standpoint...
Take her to the doctor, and get her on something. Praise her for being open with you.
I would have an honest talk and let her know you do not approve of her behavior, but most importantly you DO want her to be SAFE. Make sure she knows BC is not 100% effective and also not a prevention for diseases/infections and she should still use extra protection.
TRUST ME, there is no stopping it if they're determined to participate in "extracurricular activities," might as well have her protected. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter, and she respects you.
When I was 18 I didn't talk to my mom about things like that...and because I kept it a secret there was a lot of sneaking around and lying about where I was. Which I felt a lot of guilt about bc I did not lie to my mom.
I would also have a sit down talk and ask her about her relationship. Let her know it's perfectly normal to "want to," but also perfectly normal to wait. And she should not do anything simply bc it's a long-term relationship and it's expected of her. Just give her something to think about to make sure she's doing what SHE wants, and not something she thinks she's supposed to do.
I want to say that 17 is too young, but on that token I was only 18 and it worked - we started dating the summer after I graduated HS and been together 10 years now. Happily married now.
EDIT: I say happily married now...and we are very happy and truly in love. But I honestly believe it took me LONGER to be emotionally ready for marriage bc I didn't wait. Our relationship started off completely backwards. We went straight to 100, and it took years to go back to 0 and build back up from there. We barely knew each other at first. Then I had this person who I was running around with that didn't know me that great... So we went about it all backwards and it still managed to work out somehow. But we certainly muddied the waters EMOTIONALLY by not getting to truly know each other first. Love came WAY later for us.
Edited by dashnlotti 2018-02-23 11:25 AM
|
|
| |
|
 The best bad guy on the internet
Posts: 3519
Location: Arizona | If she's asking you then she is most likely already having sex. I would get her on BC. I went through this with my daughter. The teens is a difficult time..its so tough raising these kids these days. They want to hurry up and be an adult. Good luck to you!! |
|
| |
|
 Take a Picture
Posts: 12841
| Personally, I think you are very lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with you daughter. You are one in a million and better value it. I would take her to the doctor and explain that adult behavior has adult consequences that may not be reversible but the line is always open if she needs help. Sounds to me like you have a pretty good kid. |
|
| |
|
Elite Veteran
Posts: 883
Location: Southern Indiana | RedHead84 - 2018-02-22 3:34 PM
I am not a mom, but I was a teenager. Go to the doc with her, get her the birth control. Her talking with you is a good sign of maturity. Keep the dialogue open. You want to give her every available avenue to protect herself because in the end it's her decision.
I agree with this. She’s trying to do the right thing by coming to you and I know I was glad I knew I could go to my mom about that stuff when I was that age. You can only try to help her make the right decisions, but she’s still gonna make them no matter how you feel about it. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Trust me there are ways she can get it without your consent. I know several girls that didn’t tell their moms or dads because they just didn’t have that kind of relationship. Going to the Gynocologist for the first time can be a scary thing help her with it. |
|
| |
|
 The One
Posts: 7998
Location: South Georgia | As a teacher and high school counselor, I would encourage you to do as she is requesting. She knows you do not condone it, but in my opinion, she is making a responsible decision for her future by taking preventative measures. We cannot stop what teenagers will do. We can teach them right and wrong and from there, it is up for them to handle. It sounds like you have raised a mature, responsible daughter, brave enough to let go of self-pride to ask you for help so she can protect herself and her future. I commend her. |
|
| |
|
Expert
Posts: 1477
Location: In the land of peanuts and cotton | I’m not a mom yet but I’m not far past my teen years. I wasn’t “active” until my early 20s. At that point I put my self on it even though I did tell my mom. I wouldn’t have dared tell her before. My mom and I never had that type of relationship. When I did tell her she didn’t freak out like I thought she would. She agreed I was old enough to make that decision and just reminded me accidents can happen. I would only hope my daughter would come to me and tell me she needs it. I don’t think I freak out or make a big deal. If she’s grown enough to tell you she wants it let her have it. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with it but she is trying to be responsible. Accidents do happen but if she’s trying to prevent them be honest with her about how you feel but let her get it anyway. |
|
| |
|
Regular
Posts: 89
| It's a testament of how well you have raised your daughter if she is willing to come to you. I have seen so many of my son's friend girls that don't have that kind of relationship with their parents. I don't have a teenage daughter yet she is still waiting in the wings :). But have been through this with my son, and have had discussions as to it's not just the girls' responsibility to be protected, that it is on the guy too. Like I have told him and still tell him even though he is grown. I don't condone it, I won't make it easy for you but I will do whatever I can to help protect you. And I used to tell his former girlfriend the same thing. Heck, even his friends and friend girls. I'm probably that mom that a lot of mom's hated because I was so open about things with my son and his friends.
I think an eye-opening experience for me back in my early 20s was when I watched a very close friend of my die from aids. He become infected from his wife. That was one of the most life-changing moments for me because back then there was nothing you could do but watch a person slowly die. Since then I have always preached to my son, and will my daughter too, and anyone that would listen. There are so many things out there that can hurt our children or hinder them.
Oh and a good way to have talks with your kids about this is on a road trip doing about 80 on the interstate because they have to listen no escape lol at least that is what my son used to tell me. Sorry didn't mean to ramble on
|
|
| |
OT Parents of Teenage Daughters