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 Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
 
| I'll try and keep this short. My ex has had this girlfriend for about a year, they live together, had some issues with her overstepping boundaries with my daughter in the past, constant texting to the point where my daughter told me it was bothering her and she showed me the texts, it wasn't the contents of the texts that was the issues, but the amount of them! So I mentioned to my ex that it was getting out of hand and it was just plain inappropriate for a grown woman to be doing that to a 13 yr old girl. It subsided. Fast forward, as ya'll may know, they all just took a trip to Vegas for Jacob. My daughter, Jacob, my ex and the gf. My daughter came home yesterday and told me the gf confided in her about my ex, and all the things he's been doing... like talking, texting other women, talking to the woman he cheated on me with again, removing her off the gym membership so she can't go work out there anymore.. I can go on and on about what he's doing but I truly don't care what he's doing.. it doesn't surprise me, what does bother me is that she's telling my 13 yr old daughter all this.. my daughter is going thru so much right now already she really doesn't need this extra drama. I don't want to get involved in their problems but I don't want my daughter to get drug into it either! So I'm going back n forth, do I say something to my ex or do I speak to the girlfriend alone and tell her to please not bring my daughter into their drama! So ridiculous to be having to deal with this but I'm trying to protect my daughter in all this. |
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 Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
 
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | Oh, I would definetly be having a talk with the ex. This is inappropriate in so many ways. Can you block her on your daughters phone so she cant have any contact with her. Sorry, but I would be livid.
How did the trip go?
Edited by total performance 2018-03-21 10:05 AM
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| She hasn't text her since I said something about that. This conversation happened when they went on the trip and he left her alone with her to go do something. I agree, very inappropriate and disturbing! I told my daughter next time she starts "venting " to you, just tell her you don't want to hear stuff like that, but I know my daughter, she's not a rude person. She shouldn't be put in that situation in the first place!
The trip went well, other than that! Lol! |
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 The One
Posts: 7998
Location: South Georgia | That's a tough one. I think I'd speak to the girlfriend and just explain that your daughter is going through a lot already and it is not beneficial to speak to the daughter about her father's misdoings. As long as it is a civil conversation, maybe it will help, since she seems to be cognicant of her boundaries a little (she stopped texting when you made comment about it). ???? |
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  Northern Chocolate Queen
Posts: 16576
Location: ND | I think I'd go straight to the gf. She has no right to be dragging your daughter into her problems. She's just a kid and has more than enough going on in her life. There's no excuse for dumping problems on her that are not hers & about things she does not need to know about! |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| horsegirl - 2018-03-21 10:14 AM
That's a tough one. I think I'd speak to the girlfriend and just explain that your daughter is going through a lot already and it is not beneficial to speak to the daughter about her father's misdoings. As long as it is a civil conversation, maybe it will help, since she seems to be cognicant of her boundaries a little (she stopped texting when you made comment about it). ????
I've gone back n forth on calling her. Honestly, I do feel a tad sorry for her, I too was on the receiving end of his antics way back when... my own mother had to block her, because she was confiding in her about their relationship as well! My mother, obviously, his ex mother in law, isn't the one to vent to about the guy. I feel like if I tell my ex, he will either get really angry at her and/or my daughter for telling me. I don't have much of a relationship with this woman, we don't talk, like, at all. |
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Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | I'm not sure why she thinks it appropriate to confide in your daughter about her father and his...infidelities and such. Maybe go straight to the source and talk to her. I though wouldn't be very kind about it. I dont hold my tongue well in these types of situation. LOL |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| SaraJean - 2018-03-21 10:25 AM
I think I'd go straight to the gf. She has no right to be dragging your daughter into her problems. She's just a kid and has more than enough going on in her life. There's no excuse for dumping problems on her that are not hers & about things she does not need to know about!
You are right about that! I don't want to meddle in their garbage, I don't want to get anyone in trouble or cause a riff between them but I want her to leave my kiddo out of it! I kinda feel like if I talk to her she won't run and tell him, but I know if I tell him, all heck is going to bust loose and I don't want my daughter to be in the line of fire. |
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 A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | I would go to the source of the problem the GF and tell her how the cow ate the cabbage, I would not want this GF telling my child anything about the going on's between this child's daddy and the GF. Really creepy to me an adult telling a child about the going on's, just sick in my opinion..  |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | And yes you should say something. |
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 Popped
Posts: 20421
Location: LuluLand~along I64 Indiana | i think if you step in and talk to the gf that she will be mortified that your daughter told you. i have no idea what will unfold after that but im pretty sure she had no clue that would go down. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| luluwhit - 2018-03-21 10:36 AM
i think if you step in and talk to the gf that she will be mortified that your daughter told you. i have no idea what will unfold after that but im pretty sure she had no clue that would go down.
That's the thing, she knew my kid told me about the texts, she knew my mother told me what she told her, I don't think it bothers her 1 bit if I find out. I'm not sure at this point what is worse.. honestly don't know what she's capable of. I guess I need to step in and let her know I don't approve of her treating my daughter like one of her girlfriends. Shes off limits when it comes to their drama. She should be smart enough to know what he's doing, she doesn't need confirmation from his 13 yr old daughter! |
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 Owner of a ratting catting machine
Posts: 2258
| Well. I wouldn’t go to the girlfriend.
I would go to my ex husband, remind him of how important a father daughter bond is, remind him of how stressed out his daughter already is, how important these early teenage years are, the fact that she shouldn’t even know what infidelity means, or see a relationship of her fathers in any form of instability at such an impressionable age, and remind him that this is not casting him in a good light to his kid.
He needs to be the one to address these issues with the girlfriend, you’re probably not going to have a whole lot of pull with her directly and may cause him to stand up for her rather than going home and dealing with his own mess.
If the issues remain unaddressed, it’s time to put your foot down about time spent with the girlfriend. That’s your right. |
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 Shelter Dog Lover
Posts: 10277
| I would say something, in addition to your daughter you don’t need this either on your plate. I would send a text email to both your extra and the girlfriend that your daughter is too young to hear about the details of their relationship. |
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 Witty Enough
Posts: 2954
Location: CTX | Ugh, so sorry this is happening. The GF should never unload on any kid, let alone you rkids that have been through so much already. None of their problem period. I mean, why would an adult discus this with a child anyway??
I would talk to the GF about it, and if she doesn't stop tell her you will talk to your ex.
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 Off the Wall Wacky
Posts: 2981
Location: Louisiana | classicpotatochip - 2018-03-21 11:11 AM
Well. I wouldn’t go to the girlfriend.
I would go to my ex husband, remind him of how important a father daughter bond is, remind him of how stressed out his daughter already is, how important these early teenage years are, the fact that she shouldn’t even know what infidelity means, or see a relationship of her fathers in any form of instability at such an impressionable age, and remind him that this is not casting him in a good light to his kid.
He needs to be the one to address these issues with the girlfriend, you’re probably not going to have a whole lot of pull with her directly and may cause him to stand up for her rather than going home and dealing with his own mess.
If the issues remain unaddressed, it’s time to put your foot down about time spent with the girlfriend. That’s your right.
This.
Trust me, this. |
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 1074
| I would speak to the ex and his girlfriend at the same time. I would tell them that she has no business telling any of this to your daughter. I wouldn't step into their business, but tell them your daughter doesn't need to hear anything about their personal relationship like that. |
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 Neat Freak
Posts: 11216
Location: Wonderful Wyoming | Yes I think you should speak to the gf to leave your daughter out of this. For gosh sakes, what does she expect a young girl to do about those types of issues??? |
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 Miss Laundry Misshap
Posts: 5271
| It sounds to me like the poor girlfriend is a doormat. She obviously doesn't have any friends, or she'd confide in them. She obviously isn't strong enough to walk away from a lousy dude.
Because you don't want your daughter involved, I'd talk to them both. Tell your ex that he needs to quit his lousy behavior and to make sure your daughter has quality time with him. Tell the girl to get counseling and probably dump the douche nozzle. Tell them both your 13 old isn't qualified as a listening ear to her insecurities or relationship troubles and shouldn't have a dad that does those things to women. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | Nateracer - 2018-03-21 1:03 PM It sounds to me like the poor girlfriend is a doormat. She obviously doesn't have any friends, or she'd confide in them. She obviously isn't strong enough to walk away from a lousy dude.
Because you don't want your daughter involved, I'd talk to them both. Tell your ex that he needs to quit his lousy behavior and to make sure your daughter has quality time with him. Tell the girl to get counseling and probably dump the douche nozzle. Tell them both your 13 old isn't qualified as a listening ear to her insecurities or relationship troubles and shouldn't have a dad that does those things to women. Well said 
Just wanted to add, they sound like a real classy couple. 
Edited by Southtxponygirl 2018-03-21 1:58 PM
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
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She's very much a doormat, that's why he keeps her around! He enjoys having that power. I'm not even trying to make that my business or problem, but it's so obvious, even without me hearing the things she's shared with my kid and my mom. She's either really stupid or really smart, the woman he's supposedly talking to is a horrible HORRIBLE woman, I just stopped short of getting a,restraining order against her because she harassed me so much when I found out he was cheating with her several years ago. It was a huge mess and he knows I wouldn't go easy if he tried to bring her around my kids again. So maybe there's an alterior motive ... who knows. I'm not sure how much she knows of what really happened anyway, but I know who she's very close to and that woman works in the same office building and witnessed everything. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-21 2:11 PM She's very much a doormat, that's why he keeps her around! He enjoys having that power. I'm not even trying to make that my business or problem, but it's so obvious, even without me hearing the things she's shared with my kid and my mom. She's either really stupid or really smart, the woman he's supposedly talking to is a horrible HORRIBLE woman, I just stopped short of getting a,restraining order against her because she harassed me so much when I found out he was cheating with her several years ago. It was a huge mess and he knows I wouldn't go easy if he tried to bring her around my kids again. So maybe there's an alterior motive ... who knows. I'm not sure how much she knows of what really happened anyway, but I know who she's very close to and that woman works in the same office building and witnessed everything.
Theres alot of crazyness out there, so you got to do what you can to protect the ones you love, I feel for your girl, her dad should be ashamed of himself for putting her in this situation between himself and the GF.. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| You're right! I know what I need to do. And I don't think he has any shame.. the gf asked how one of Jacobs treatments went last week, my daughter said he didn't have one, she said well your dad said he did and that he went to it, that's why he wasn't home all afternoon . yes, he had a scheduled appointment but I had canceled it 3 days prior to it. Shaking my head.... |
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Go Get Em!
Posts: 13503
Location: OH. IO | barrelrider - 2018-03-21 1:15 PMI would speak to the ex and his girlfriend at the same time. I would tell them that she has no business telling any of this to your daughter. I wouldn't step into their business, but tell them your daughter doesn't need to hear anything about their personal relationship like that. THIS...AND HERES WHY...you don't need to be blamed for lieing by either one.face to face both of them at the same time.Then keep your eyes open for any reprocussion your daughter may get.
Edited by jake16 2018-03-21 2:54 PM
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Extreme Veteran
Posts: 380
| That is some screwy inappropriate immature behavior on her part. Honestly I would not allow her to have contact with this girlfriend. I would talk to the girlfriend face to face and tell her to STAY AWAY. You could go so far as to petition the court and state that this woman is having a negative impact on the parent/child relationship with her father and sharing personal and inappropriate information with her that could have lasting impacts in their relationship.
Other option is a PPO but I'm not sure if they do those without proof your daughter has or could be physically harmed. |
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 Too Skinny
Posts: 8009
Location: LA Lower Alabama | I feel like you are between the rock and hard place. Remember that whatever you do puts stress on your kid too. If you call a meeting with all three it puts her in the hot seat even if thats not the intentional target. If you speak to just GF she will says its jealousy etc. If you speak to ex he will say jealousy and be embarrassed making him harder to deal with. Personally at 13 I want my kid to tell that heifer to back off on her own then I can stand strong behind her but I am not in this situation so that is hard to suggest for you guys. Good luck! |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting. |
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A Somebody to Everybody
Posts: 41354
Location: Under The Big Sky Of Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting.
I can see that he said his own daughter was lying since hes never really worked on a father daughter relationship with her, hes just a real peach of a dad {eye roll here} How long has he been with this jewel of a grilfriend {eye roll again} Why would he think having a GF telling his 13 year old daughter everything about his love life is ok? Makes no sence!! |
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Married to a Louie Lover
Posts: 3303
| Southtxponygirl - 2018-03-22 9:48 AM
want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting.
I can see that he said his own daughter was lying since hes never really worked on a father daughter relationship with her, hes just a real peach of a dad {eye roll here} How long has he been with this jewel of a grilfriend {eye roll again} Why would he think having a GF telling his 13 year old daughter everything about his love life is ok? Makes no sence!!
It does not surprise me at all that the ex husband is accusing the daughter of lying...remember the discussion the GF had with the daughter was about her dad being a real swell guy... so he’s got it coming from all angles now and he now knows the GF knows he’s got a side thing.
No advice just hugs. |
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 The Peaceful One
Posts: 1415
Location: Only a stones throw away!! | Here is just my opinion.....I am the Liam Nelson kinda parent, " I have a special set of skills and I will use them" when it comes to MY KIDS and someone harming them...I will use those skills. I don't care who it is. she is way to young and dealing with her own issues to have a "stranger" throw crap at her. Given it is her dad and she will love him unconditionally but she will be reminded (by him) how a guy is suppose to treat a girl (and it is not starting out good). I would not have wasted a new York moment in letting the GF know my position in this relationship. I WOULD NOT involve the daughter ...this is a situation to be handled by adults. the husband has got his wiener caught between a rock and a hard place and of course he is going to point fingers.....what coward doesn't want the easy way out. he will point a blame until the heat is off him. As far as him telling you not to contact her...BS..he has not proven himself to be a worthy individual yet....so yes I would handle it and not look back. Neither one of these people owe you anything....the daughter holds your world. JMHO |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow... |
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I just read the headlines
Posts: 4483
| Well, good luck to you, unfortunately no matter what you did he was going to be an ass. I feel bad for you and your daughter. Y'all both deserve a heck of a lot better than him. Thank goodness your husband is such a good man and loves her. Hugs and prayers for you both. |
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Namesless in BHW
Posts: 10368
Location: At the race track with Ah Dee Ohs | want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting.
Doesn't surprise me that he is putting blame on everywhere it should be...HIM. That may sound harsh, but it is what it is. That is what those kinds of people do. Lay blame everywhere but where it belongs. I'm sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this. Bless her heart, she really is upset over all this and shouldn't be having to deal with things like this at her young age. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 602
| If you can, go have coffee or something face to face to her. Let her know where you stand. She needs to know boundaries. Keep it short and civil. |
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 Expert
Posts: 1718
Location: Southeast Louisiana | want2chase3 - 2018-03-21 10:25 AM
horsegirl - 2018-03-21 10:14 AM
That's a tough one. I think I'd speak to the girlfriend and just explain that your daughter is going through a lot already and it is not beneficial to speak to the daughter about her father's misdoings. As long as it is a civil conversation, maybe it will help, since she seems to be cognicant of her boundaries a little (she stopped texting when you made comment about it). ????
I've gone back n forth on calling her. Honestly, I do feel a tad sorry for her, I too was on the receiving end of his antics way back when... my own mother had to block her, because she was confiding in her about their relationship as well! My mother, obviously, his ex mother in law, isn't the one to vent to about the guy. I feel like if I tell my ex, he will either get really angry at her and/or my daughter for telling me. I don't have much of a relationship with this woman, we don't talk, like, at all.
Oh, we’d be talking about this, if it was me. I would ask her to meet me for coffee or somewhere we could talk face to face and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you make it a point not to bad mouth your ex in front of the kids and if she can’t follow that same rule, she needs to avoid all conversation with your children. You need to let her know where and what the boundaries are, she obviously doesn’t have the background to know the difference. |
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 Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty
Posts: 20917
Location: LouLouVille, OK | want2chase3 - 2018-03-21 2:38 PM You're right! I know what I need to do. And I don't think he has any shame.. the gf asked how one of Jacobs treatments went last week, my daughter said he didn't have one, she said well your dad said he did and that he went to it, that's why he wasn't home all afternoon . yes, he had a scheduled appointment but I had canceled it 3 days prior to it. Shaking my head....
Leopards don't change their spots, he's a POC ...
I would tell them both, she is 13... Get a clue and stop involving her in adult situations... she doesn't need to see it or hear about it... He should put his daughter before his pecker and realize that bringing multiple women in her life isn't going to win her over...
Not sure about the state you live in or if it's the case in every state, but at 13... she can choose not to go here... (correct me if I am wrong) Im sure she loves her dad flaws and all, you would think that alone would make him want to step up. (((HUGS))) |
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Ms Bling Bling Sleeze Kitty
Posts: 20917
Location: LouLouVille, OK | total performance - 2018-03-22 10:35 AM want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting. Doesn't surprise me that he is putting blame on everywhere it should be...HIM. That may sound harsh, but it is what it is. That is what those kinds of people do. Lay blame everywhere but where it belongs. I'm sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this. Bless her heart, she really is upset over all this and shouldn't be having to deal with things like this at her young age.
Edited by cindyt 2018-03-22 12:03 PM
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Elite Veteran
Posts: 618
| That is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. I'd definitely say something to BOTH of them. Your ex as her father brought this woman into her life, he bears responsibility for her behavior. HE should be upset about it bc of the disgusting nature of it regardless if he's the subject or not.
I'd be honest with your daughter and tell her you're doing it and prepare her for possible fallout and reassure her it's not her responsibility to preserve a perverse relationship w/her dad's gf. If her father gets mad at her you're gonna have to really step up your momma game and she may even get mad at you but no way do you let this go. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3782
Location: Gainesville, TX | In Texas, at the age of 12 I think it is that kids are allowed to choose who they live with and how often they want to see either parent. You might see if that's the case where you are at. I can't remember if visitation is still required at that point though. Your daughter may choose to live with you and only see her dad girlfriend free a few times a year or something. |
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 Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 11:22 AM
I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow...
No matter how you decide to deal with your ex and his gf, keep reminding your daughter that NONE of these ADULT problems are her fault. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Just Plain Lucky - 2018-03-22 5:19 PM
want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 11:22 AM
I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow...
No matter how you decide to deal with your ex and his gf, keep reminding your daughter that NONE of these ADULT problems are her fault.
I truly think she knows that. She's very open and honest with me, we have a very close open door relationship, she knows she can tell me anything. I have a very different style of parenting than her father. She has my complete trust, until she gives me a reason not to.. fathers trust is zero and needs to be earned type. Anyway I took her to her first counseling session today and the woman wanted to speak to both of us, it was really good for us I think... and no, we didn't bash her father... I just sat and listened to my daughter explain how he's making her feel and I confirmed a few things and that was all. I also learned what type of things I need to work on as her mom. I'm glad we got her into this program and I think it's going to be very helpful to her. Regardless of what he thinks. In his mind he thinks she's too young to be having such "emotional problems" like what could possibly be so bad in her life.. which is so unfair and the counselor validated that and assured her that it's ok to be getting help. The thing that made me really realize how damaged their relationship is when she asked the counselor if whst they talk about will ever get back to her dad.. she assured her, it wouldn't unless she felt her life was in danger or in danger of harming someone else. That really seemed to put her at ease. |
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Thread Killer
Posts: 7545
| want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 6:57 PM
Just Plain Lucky - 2018-03-22 5:19 PM
want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 11:22 AM
I've been working on controlling my emotions and my temper when it comes to difficult people that I'm unfortunately around, really really working on controlling me and how I feel and how far I let things I cannot control push me... all I'm going to say about him is an innocent man or person, would not act that way. He's caught, he now knows he's caught and he lashes out.. been there done that, he got furious at me when I caught him cheating... it was my fault. He also told my husband that I was the one who divorced him.. Hmmm grasping for straws much bub??? Wow...
No matter how you decide to deal with your ex and his gf, keep reminding your daughter that NONE of these ADULT problems are her fault.
I truly think she knows that. She's very open and honest with me, we have a very close open door relationship, she knows she can tell me anything. I have a very different style of parenting than her father. She has my complete trust, until she gives me a reason not to.. fathers trust is zero and needs to be earned type. Anyway I took her to her first counseling session today and the woman wanted to speak to both of us, it was really good for us I think... and no, we didn't bash her father... I just sat and listened to my daughter explain how he's making her feel and I confirmed a few things and that was all. I also learned what type of things I need to work on as her mom. I'm glad we got her into this program and I think it's going to be very helpful to her. Regardless of what he thinks. In his mind he thinks she's too young to be having such "emotional problems" like what could possibly be so bad in her life.. which is so unfair and the counselor validated that and assured her that it's ok to be getting help. The thing that made me really realize how damaged their relationship is when she asked the counselor if whst they talk about will ever get back to her dad.. she assured her, it wouldn't unless she felt her life was in danger or in danger of harming someone else. That really seemed to put her at ease.
It's great that you have such a good relationship with your daughter and are getting her some counseling. Your ex's attitude is the one I had to cope with when I was having emotional trouble as a teen.....now I'm picking up the pieces as an adult. It's hard. I wish you all the best - I haven't been posting much but I check on your thread for Jacob almost every day.
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Meanest Teacher!!!
Posts: 8555
Location: sunny california | honestly i don't know how you refrain from telling your ex " look I don't think your girlfriend is a good role model for our daughter; she is weak and allows herself to be treated like $hit and stays with a lieing cheating dirtbag. I would rather our daughter have role models that are strong and know how to make a happy and safe place for themselves in this dog eat dog world" |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| I've told him in the past that I didn't think much of her when she was bad mouthing him to MY mom at baseball games we'd go to, to watch Jacob. She talked so poorly about him to my mom, she finally told her to stop and told her she wasn't the right person to be talking to, then had to block her from Facebook as well. I told him the things she had said about him and the things she had said about jacob. Apparently it didn't bother him. I hate having to deal with this I just want my kids to be happy and healthy and I want my daughter and her father to be able to have a good healthy happy relationship! |
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 BHW Resident Surgeon
Posts: 25352
Location: Bastrop, Texas | I didn’t read all the posts here, but it sounds to me like the cat’s already out of the bag. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, so to speak. Your daughter will learn a valuable, albeit painful lesson about bad men from this. I’d be careful not to inject yourself into that relationship that is doomed to fail, lest you become a scapegoat. Your daughter is probably more resilient than you realize and she’s learning something. Some kids grow up to be much better than their parents as a result of their parent’s faults. They observe these things and learn how they don’t want to be as adults.
Negative “role models” can be just as powerful a learning tool as positive ones sometimes. She will learn to recognize douchebag men based on her observations of her father. Both her father and his girlfriend are teaching her this. You can provide valuable guidance in this regard, but be careful not to inject yourself into a relationship that is headed down the drain, lest you become a scapegoat. Lord knows you have enough on your plate as it is. |
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 Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | DO NOT INVOLVE KIDS IN ADULT ISSUES. Period. End of story. The GF needs to know NOW that this is unacceptable. Make it crystal clear that she is under no circumstances to bring anything up to your daughter, and if she brings up ANYTHING to your daughter about her father, immediately call your ex and tell him this has to stop. I'd also block the GF from being able to contact your daughter. She needs to learn what her boundaries are. |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-21 10:25 AM
horsegirl - 2018-03-21 10:14 AM
That's a tough one. I think I'd speak to the girlfriend and just explain that your daughter is going through a lot already and it is not beneficial to speak to the daughter about her father's misdoings. As long as it is a civil conversation, maybe it will help, since she seems to be cognicant of her boundaries a little (she stopped texting when you made comment about it). ????
I've gone back n forth on calling her. Honestly, I do feel a tad sorry for her, I too was on the receiving end of his antics way back when... my own mother had to block her, because she was confiding in her about their relationship as well! My mother, obviously, his ex mother in law, isn't the one to vent to about the guy. I feel like if I tell my ex, he will either get really angry at her and/or my daughter for telling me. I don't have much of a relationship with this woman, we don't talk, like, at all.
Your obligation is to your daughter, NOT the girlfriend. It's not your problem that your ex is treating the gf like crap, if she's choosing to stay with him knowing what he's doing, that's her problem. |
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Cute Little Imp
Posts: 2747
Location: N Texas | want2chase3 - 2018-03-22 9:33 AM
I'm not going to say I'm surprised... I took my daughter to school this morning and suddenly she started crying, saying how angry she is at her father. After I dropped her off I called my husband and told him, he didn't want me calling the ex because I was obviously heated, so he made the call to talk to him "man to man" he explained to him everything that had happened. My ex accused my daughter of lying! It makes me sick to my stomach. He also blamed me and said I'm pinning his kids against him and that his children haven't been to his house in 4 months.. well, Jacobs been going thru cancer and the dr said it'd be best if he stayed in 1 home instead of being shuffled back n forth plus his Dr's are closer to my home. Unbelievable this guy is.. so I'm waiting for his call now so we can "hash " this out once and for all. Ugh I'm sorry for venting on here, I'm not a,perfect parent or person for that matter, but my ex is being completely unrealistic and blaming the wrong people! My husband told him he needs to talk with his gf and deal with her, this is the 2nd time we've had to go to him about her overstepping on our daughter. He then said that my husband is just a stepdad and has no say and that he will be dealing with just me on this... I say, bring it on, I'm waiting.
Does your husband and your ex have that kind of relationship that they can talk calmly and rationally? Unless they actually have mutual respect for one another and can listen to what the other one has to say, then your husband doesn't need to be the one to get involved. As the mother, you are the one who needs to be doing all the communicating. |
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 Expert
Posts: 3815
Location: The best kept secret in TX | oija - 2018-03-22 1:11 PM In Texas, at the age of 12 I think it is that kids are allowed to choose who they live with and how often they want to see either parent. You might see if that's the case where you are at. I can't remember if visitation is still required at that point though. Your daughter may choose to live with you and only see her dad girlfriend free a few times a year or something.
I have seen MANY men go to court here in Texas and get denied to their face from their children for visitation. A friend recently had to file for a protective order because the father got so out of hand.
OP Your husband is a Narcissist. In every sense of the word. It is never their fault. They are always right and they will turn a conversation around to where you need to appologize to them. Those are the type of people we like to refer to as: The crazies.
Hugs to you.
As always a meeting with legal counsel is always free ;) Ask them if there is anything you can do or file in order to keep your daughter safe. He sounds like he is going to be hostile with your daughter when she returns to his house. |
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Warrior Mom
Posts: 4400
| Bear - 2018-03-23 9:26 AM
I didn’t read all the posts here, but it sounds to me like the cat’s already out of the bag. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube, so to speak. Your daughter will learn a valuable, albeit painful lesson about bad men from this. I’d be careful not to inject yourself into that relationship that is doomed to fail, lest you become a scapegoat. Your daughter is probably more resilient than you realize and she’s learning something. Some kids grow up to be much better than their parents as a result of their parent’s faults. They observe these things and learn how they don’t want to be as adults.
Negative “role models” can be just as powerful a learning tool as positive ones sometimes. She will learn to recognize douchebag men based on her observations of her father. Both her father and his girlfriend are teaching her this. You can provide valuable guidance in this regard, but be careful not to inject yourself into a relationship that is headed down the drain, lest you become a scapegoat. Lord knows you have enough on your plate as it is.
I was telling my husband, I cannot believe we are having to deal with this right now. He stopped me and said we aren't dealing with this any more. What needed to be said, was said.. he knows now that we know what's going on, and obviously the gf does too. He knows where we stand. That's the end of it. She's in good counseling now so we just let the counselor do her job and we stay supportive and be there for her like we have been.. but there is no more dealing with him and his gf's BS.. it's finished. He's seriously always been my voice of reason. I've gotten a few texts from the ex in regards the kids schedule since their talk... it's been very cordial, kind of like nothing happened, which bugs me slightly, but I'm taking my husband's advice for now and leaving it be. |
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 Elite Veteran
Posts: 950
Location: MO | This, and I would def talk to them BOTH. That way, nothing can be taken out of context with either of them.
What she is telling your daughter is WRONG. At 13, she has enough of her own drama, but the drama surrounding HER DAD, def doesn't need to be there. That is her dad, and right or wrong whatever it is he is doing, shouldn't be brought up to her. It can only put a wedge between them as father/daughter. So sad.
Edited to add I read further down after I posted. There is already so much damage done, and I can't blame the kid for being angry at him and you being livid. AGain, a sad deal, and all I can offer is prayers.
Edited by Shushi 2018-03-27 11:43 AM
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Should I say anything