Non horse related topic. Mainly venting.

I've been helping a family member on and off for 3 years or so. Mainly finacially. I was promised to be paid back but I never have been and honestly don't really expect to. The total has wracked its self up pretty high to the point I have told myself NO MORE! This person is now in the midst of the latest life chrisis and is on the verge of losing their home and all posessions. Some due to bad luck, some due to poor decision making. This person calls me every day telling me how awful things are and I feel TERRIBLE. The only thing I can do is throw more money at the situation but I have promised myself I will not. I'm stressed over it and think to myself "what would God have me do". When do you know when enough is enough? Anyone deal with something similar? How did you handle it?

How do you expect this person to ever make the right decisions in life if they never have to live by the dicisions that they make.  They need to learn by the pain that they make for themselves.

Shut the money off.  You should never help someone from when they are heading to the bottom.  They need to learn what got them there and live with that pain for awhile.

You only help them when they have learned these life lessons.

If it looks like she is going to lose the home and it doesn't seem her financial situation will improve, try to determine if she has equity in the home. If so, she should try to sell quickly and preserve her equity. 

They rent, and have gotten behind. :( There is a child involved, and that is something that weighs on me the most.

I've known these types of people. They never change their habits and can't seem to understand how to manage their money and responsibilities.  I think giving them money is just a temporary fix, and no matter what, you will get blamed for not helping enough.  When they call with their bad news, I'd be up front and tell them you can't help them anymore. 

 This is so true.While it is heartbreaking,they need to learn how to fix and manage the situation.Ive been in your shoes too many times to count,I'm done with it.The more you help,the more they take.I even had a friend I helped,with many different situations,vets,shows,etc,in the end I found she was talking bad about me to everyone,THAT HURTS,and never a thank you or I'm sorry.DONT BE ME.

Think about this:  Have you been helping this person or enabling this person to continue down the same road by providing money?  It appears to me the money you have given has not changed one single thing -- and the money has only drawn out the process of the person hitting rock bottom.  IMO throwing money at a problem never solves the problem.  Rarely is money the answer to any problem....it does not address the root causes of problems. It's sort of like sticking your finger in a hole in the levee. Eventully there are not enough fingers to stick in all the holes.  I'd stand back  and hope the 'loss of everything' will be the unsettling life event that causes the person to stop and take a look at themselves, i.e. how they live their life, how their personal choices have impacted their life....  

When our oldest son was 16 we opened a checking account for him -- so he could begin to learn the ins and out of money management.  Not too long after he informed me one afternoon that I needed to deposit $300 into his account to cover checks he had written.  Now, this was the mid-80s.  $300 was a heck of a lot.  I told him no, life does not work that way.  His checks bounced all over our small town.  He had to sell his little fishing boat and a couple of his guns to cover the checks, the bank overdraft fees and the fees the merchants charged.  He had to personally go to each merchant and make the check good.  It was a terribly humbling experience for him.  Never again did we have to be concerned with him spending money he did not have. It was a good lesson to learn at 16.  

listen to all the above they dead on target

You have a good heart, and that is both a blessing and a hurt sometimes. . . I've been in your shoes before, and I've also seen my momma worry herself to death doing the same thing.  You're a good person for what you've done and for caring this far, but like everyone said, you've probably reached the point where you need to draw the line. . . I hope you find comfort, and that your family member figures out how to get a handle on their problems.

These type of family members have no problem draining you financial and emotional, I would tell them this bank has ran dry.. 

I had one. All related back to addiction. I had to make the hardest decision in my life to let them go.

Thank you for that, and your kind words. Helps a lot.

It is really hard. Even though you KNOW they pretty well did this themselves. If you love or care for someone it just makes you feel so much guilt to watch them hit the bottom. We are taught that we should do anything for family, and that is what I have tried to do. I know I have to draw the line. It's just hurtful to watch.

Oh honey, I know how you feel and it's awful!  I will be praying for you and your family member to make it thru this situation relatively smoothly.

IT IS IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT THESE PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE AND HAVE GOTTEN THEMSELVES IN THIS SITUATION!!  You have helped and helped and helped and frankly it's not your responsibility to bail them out once again.  As long as you are there to bail them out, you will be bailing them out for the rest of your life, unfortunately.

Hugs for you!

This is exactly what my husband told me. Thank you so much!! 

Does this person not have a job? They have taken advanntage of you and your feelings and know if they cry to you enought that you will give in again, you need to distance yourself from them and not give in this time around.. Stand your Ground women

How old is the child? 

6 years old

They had a job but lost it due to missing work from lack of reliable childcare. :(  It has been a downward spiral since. 

Thinking of you today

 I am thinking of you as well.I struggled with this situation all day :( Hugs and prayers for you.

Hey guys, I wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Just an update: I have stood my ground. I have offered moral support but thats it. I spoke to them yesterday and they told me that " I didn't know what it was like to be in their situation and I apparently didn't care". I have a lengthy spreadsheet that suggests otherwise. I guess sometimes you have to let people figure it out for themselves. It isnt fair to drain yourself. They got their job back, just working through some other issues.

Good for you---and we all know otherwise on the "apparently you don't care" statement. Hugs and continued prayers to you 

I feel your pain. I have been helping my partner who had weed addiction. Besides from the marijuana addiction, he has also hidden his financial issues from me (i.e. getting loans that he cannot afford). Our most recent argument, he mentioned again that he'll be quitting once we have children. Having read many resources like https://addictionresource.com/drugs/marijuana/ , I understand that he may never quit and I feel that he is only using that as an excuse to keep me from leaving him.

Not nearly the same as marijuana, but my husband promised he would quit chewing tabacco when we got married, then it was after we had our first born, then our second child, now our third. People quit habits when they want to, not because of timelines. I wouldn't hold my breath. 

Exactly.... I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey 4 years ago. I just up and decided I wanted it to be over. It wasnt easy at first.  I had cravings, I wanted to be around the smell... now I absolutely cannot stand it..  makes me sick! My husband dips and I hate it. He quit for about a month and started back up again.  I cannot make him do it. I leave him alone, he says hes going to quit again though. He just says hes not as strong as I am. But I had it set in my mind it was over and each hour without, sometimes, minutes,  was a victory 

Thats his excuse for you not leaving but what is YOUR excuse for not leaving?  Its easier said than done to leave but its much simpler to leave before youve brought children into the mix.  

just me but no way in hades i be aroundr some that does drugs  

I 'remind' my husband on occassion that it bothers me so that it stays in the back of his mind, but I don't bug him about quitting anymore. He wants to quit too, but he's not there yet. 

I'd love to hear an update from the OP how her family member is doing. 

One of my favorite crusty old sayings:    " Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

I have a nephew like this.  Even his own mother quit trying to help him.  He panhandled at Christmas parties using his kids to try to extract money from his relation.  

Kudo's for standing your ground!  You may not realize it yet but that is the best thing you could do for them.  They have to learn to do for themselves.  It is very hard to watch someone hit rock bottom but that is exactly what they need to do.  I would however make sure that the child is ok.  Prayers that everything works out for all

I'm sorry - my mom is in the same predicament with family member who has NEVER been in control of her life. She had two children in the mix, which is why my mom, dad, and other family members were helping for years. Now the youngest is graduating with a great opportunity for college. Family member will probably be cut off at that point. A long time coming. At the end of it, throwing money at her has never really help and has only created heartache.