Posting under a different name because this is a sensitive topic and one I never really thought I would be dealing with. I just found out last week that my husband of 25 years has been sleeping with a much younger woman. I have video evidence so there is no denying it happened at least once. 

I have not confronted him yet about the video but he knows I am unhappy about him spending a few hours at her house and having a few drinks with her on a different occasion. He had a legit reason to be there, but not to stay and hang out.  He denies anything happened that night, refuses to apologise, and has no idea I know about the other time when the video was taken as I was out of town working.

I just had a breast biopsy yesterday, still awaiting results, so I have had a lot thrown at me recently and I don't want to make an emotional decision that I will regret later. I have two kids to think about also. Making things even worse, several people in the industry I work in have also seen the video and these are men I see every day at work. 

I know I have a lot of soul searching to do, but any advice or just good thoughts would be appreciated.

I have no advice, but hugs to you!!!!! One day at a time

No advice, but I'm so sorry you're going through this. Praying for peace and discerment in whatever decisions you ultimately make.

Take care of your health problems first. 

Then deal with the cheater. 

I've always been looked at like I was crazy for my opinion on this subject, but:

1.  Humans are not born to be monogamous. This is proven scientifically. The vow of monogamy we take when we marry goes against everything hard wired in our brains.

2.  Jealousy is second only to hate in emotional strength. Even love lags behind in this. 

3.  Insecurity is just behind the above emotions.

So, my opinion is that there are many many worse things that can happen. If your hubb is a constant cheater that is one thing. But a one time thing with no permanent repercussions (making a child, disease) can be worked through. I'm not saying it would be easy. That jealousy thing is going to be there, and that is going to make you insecure. It would take the erring partner to do some penance to get past. 

It is worse if a partner is abusive, either physically or emotionally. It is worse if a partner stops being supportive. It is worse if a partner checks out emotionally from a relationship. There are many worse things that a partner can do.

You will have to confront him. It won't be pretty. It won't be easy. But you have stated that your family is important so you do have some reason to try to get your hubb to work through this. However, if he tries to push it off on you in any way then you might have to take a look at him as a different person than you thought you married. You married someone who you thought/think will put forth great effort to stay together as a team and family leader. 

I wish you peace and patience. I wish you deep breaths when you'd rather rant and tear. I wish you all the positive thoughts that I can. 

I would absolutely leave. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Once trust is broken it's very hard to get back. I'm Soo sorry your going through this!!! I know you don't want to make a rash decision, just take care of yourself and think about what's acceptable to you and what you are willing to live with..

So sorry that you are going through this! Hugs to you!

Take care of your health first. However you  have every right to bust him wide open with this! Give him the oppourtunity to come clean and if he doesn't, show him your evidence. He needs to be sorry for it. You guys could very well work through this and I hope if that is what you both want, you do. But he messed up and needs to know it! Let him suffer for a minuet. He will think twice about it next time.

Not trying to be insensitive, but how in the heck did you get a video of him cheating while in bed with this women?!! 

I wondered the same thing, and how have men you work with seen it?

So you are 100% certain he is having an affair and you have video proof.  I guess to me what you decide to do about this is your call.  Here are some options.

1.) Ignore it.  Not worth disrupting your family over his peccadilloes. After all, you know “boys will be boys”.

2.) Confront him, but don’t reveal the fact that you have him on video wigglin his bean. This will give you an idea as to what you can expect in the future should suspicions re-emerge, which they probably will.  If he steadfastly and adamantly denies it, you need to accept the fact that he will likely lie to you forever.  If you can accept that, then you are better than I am.  If he readily admits it, that’s encouraging, but be prepared to accept the fact that he might want to reject you so he can take up with that filly. I wouldn’t encourage you to stick your head in the sand.  The sooner you accept his decision, the better, so you can go about the business of mourning the loss of your marriage and get on with healing and the potentially wonderful life ahead of you.....with your pride and self-respect intact.

3.) Confront him head on with full force, including the video evidence, so he cannot deny the undeniable.  At that point you can either tell him to pound sand and that you are finished, or you can give him one last chance, but he’s going to be on a short leash.  In the latter, I think a good marriage counselor is important.  In fact, in that regard, regardless of what you decide, I think you owe yourself some form of counseling, in my opinion.

4.) Throw his sh!t out in the driveway, change the locks, tell him you are divorcing his venereal ass, and call a good attorney.  I’m not kidding about the “venereal” part.  Get checked.  It’s a good idea, regardless.

5.) Ignore it....exercise the nuclear option - revenge sex.

In all seriousness, I feel bad for you.  Lean in your closest friends and family.  You will get through this.....he may not, depending on whether or not he is a sick, selfish, narcissistic bastard. 

#4 all the way! However, that would be after I tried to get him to fess up. Let him dig his own grave before playing my ace (the video).

Sorry, but I am a firm believer that if someone truly loves and RESPECTS you, they would NEVER even consider cheating. Any BS about being weak or making a mistake, or whatever other cowardly excuse they feed you is just them trying to justify their behavior.

Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a choice.

i have no advice but i do have a question.... did he know that you have suspisious breast tissue then cheat or are they two seperate events?  Does he know you just had a biopsy?

I know my husband enough to know that he loves me but he wont handle certian bad news senerios very well. 

There is NO excuse/NO good reason for someone to cheat on a spouse PERIOD.

Agreed, no excuse ever . If you want to screw around with other women or men then dont get married.. #4 is a good ideal.

I agree with the #2 posted above. 

A good friend of mine's husband did the same. She stayed because of the kids and finances initally and they began counseling. He is a much different man now and as healthy as they can be... but she still holds onto it i think. Even if its small. 

Your health is important... but I also dont think you wanting answers or making a decision is an emotional response. I dont think I could ever let it go.... but I have seen people who go on because it is the best decsion for them and their circumstances. 

I pray for you... 

Agree. I was cheated on by my EX peice of crap. Turns out it was a total blessing in the end. I'm happily remarried to a man that would never betray me like that. Ugh what an a$$hole and whoa you have it on video! I'd post it on social media and be done with him!  I'm sorry you are going thru this and your health issue, sending prayers your biopsy comes back as nothing major.  

As angry as you are, and you have EVERY right to be, you have to keep in mind that what you do now will reflect on you later.  If you didn't have kids I'd pack up his clothes and deliver them to the woman he cheated with. Tell her he is her problem now then change the locks and put a divorce atttorney card on his windshield along with a copy of the video. BUT since you have kids my suggestion to you will be to:

- Save that video someplace safe and sit on it for a beat

- Get yourself to the doctor now for an STD check

- Get yourself into see a councellor who can help you cope with your feelings and help you decide what you want to do with your relationship.  Make a few appointments and see someone soon.  Once you've made a decision you can share the information with friends.  If you tell your friends and you decide to stay with him (and that's your right) the fact they know what he did will strain your relationship with your friends. 

- Once you've come up with a plan, and if you've decided to leave, then tell your friends.  Tell them as little or as much as you like about why you're leaving but you'll need them to lean on and support you.  

- If people are talking about the video tell them you don't watch that type of trash and their momma's wouldn't want them watching it either. Then move on. 

Posting the video on Facebook or some other social media to call him out may make you feel better for a moment but it just adds fuel to the fire and would hurt your kids.  Rise above, stand tall, be graceful, and come up with a sensible plan that is best for you and your kids long term.

It's going to be a rough hard road but you are going to be just fine - maybe even better.  Remind yourself when the dark thoughts and worry slip in that "what if it all works out" and let your mind go there. You can do this!

Prayers and hugs to you!

Looking from the outside in it sounds easy to throw out his sh!t, No. 4, but in reality there is so much more to it.  It is unexcuseable behavior.  I am a believer in once a cheater always a cheater, but it's never a bad idea to get counseling, work through it.  It will make you feel like you at least tried to make it work even if in the end it doesn't.  I am very sorry.  You are in a tough situation and I send you good thoughts.

My first thought is to say to nail his sorry butt, kick him to the curb. But after temper's flare goes by the way side, then you have a whole different opinion and mindset.  But Bear's # 2 suggestion seems the most logical, if done in a cool, calm and collected manner. Its always best to do things with as few of regrets as possible. That doesn't mean you should stay together, it just means to do the option(s) that make you feel as whole as you can going through this. 

Prayers that your biopsy comes out okay.

While that may seem like a rational decision...i really don’t think it is.

1 because I believe people live too much of their life on social media as it is.

2 I’m not a lawyer but if you do have divorce as a potential option on your list I would be very conservative with social media posts.  Play your cards close.  Fill social media in later when it’s a done deal.

what would I do?  I think I would wait for biopsy results.  Wrap your head around that first. I wouldn’t think you’d be waiting terribly long on those.

Then I agree with confronting him but not laying out the video evidence unless he straight up denies it.  Although I too am curious how video came to be.

most of all, hugs hugs hugs.  Gather your tribe and lean into them.

I for one could NOT hold it in knowing what he did. So with that being said, I would confront his a** .

I pray that your biopsy comes out good, but holding this in and dealing with your health, will take a toll on you. JMO

Prayers 

I've been married 34 yrs & I guess I'm old school it would have or would just kill me if my husband cheated on me. You better Dig Two by band Perry is my song on the subject.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you can come through this and work things out. I can tell I just couldn't ever get over it. I hope you are a more forgiving thea I and that things work out for you & your kids for the best what ever that maybe. Prayers for you to be able to see what you need to do & prayers for your health

As tempting as it might be, I would be very careful about weaponizing social media.  It might feel good, but overall I think it could lead to more headaches than you bargained for.  These things have a way of getting out there anyway.  He’s going to squirm enough as it is, knowing full well you are armed with the video.  Doing nothing to deliberately hurt him will serve you well.  People who know about the video will respect you all the more for using restraint.  Above all, remember he’s the father of your kids.  You will always have some kind of relationship with him forever.  Do what you need to do, but try to think of it almost like a “ business decision”, in which case you are usually better off keeping your emotions out of any decision making. How he treats you and how you treat him, going forward, will effect the kids.  

I just said post it on social media tongue n cheek, obviously the husband didnt think twice or even care how this would effect HER or his.childrens future he only thought about his stupid self and his desires. I dont care who you are, you will always think about his infidelity even if you move past it and work it out... every time he doesnt answer the phone right away or hes texting from across the room you'll be wondering if hes talking to another woman. Find an attorney,  a good one. I have zero tolerance for cheating. I wish you well OP  it's a terrible thing to have to deal with, I know exactly how it feels. Mine did it when our son was 3 months old. I'm sure there was a lot more before that but that's when I found out. 

Oh, how I remember. Your ex was a sorry, narcissistic, POS.  I'm so happy you have moved on with someone who values you (and your children). 

Well since the OP said this.....{ Making things even worse,several people in the industry I work in have seen the video and these are men I see every day at work.. } So my thinking issss its already on social media.. 

I'm just so curious WHO video them, and put it out there for others to see? 

My ex was probably a serial cheater. I saw a lawyer when our youngest was just a baby. Her advice to me was to stay and spend his money.  It was hard to do.  Maybe I could've done it if he'd quit lying and doing the same old stuff.  

To the OP, you just have to weigh your options.  Don't do anything just yet.  Without knowing more about your husband and your situation, we can't really advise you.  Best thing I did was see a counselor.  If the counselor doesn't help you, find another.  

Best wishes to you.  I know you are in a lot of pain right now.  

pray   and if you have a good pastor  talk with him  but lots of prayers

Make it work, however that is, until the children are 18 and gone.  Then see ya later alligator dont let the door hit you on the way out!  My 2 cents.

I dont see how it helps the children by sticking it out for the children.  Once a member of the relationship checks out, its over.  My opinion having been there...confront him.  You will be able to tell really fast how invested he is.  Then you make your decision on what to do from there.  

Prayers for you -- the only advice I have is:  take a deep breath.  see a counselor for guidance to sort out your thoughts/feelings/plan.

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate all the well thought out responses.

I would never put it on social media because of my kids and his job. I know I'm angry but I just couldn't do it. Plus, she is a professional in this industry also and I am not sinking to that level with her either.

He cheated before we knew about needing the second mammogram and ultimately the biopsy. He has been kinder to me these last few weeks then he has in months, possibly years. I keep hoping his guilt will eat at him enough to make him fess up, that would make me feel so much better.

The video was taken by a co-worker of the woman who saw hubbs truck at her place and went to check it out since she had been doing him too. Apparently she is a whore with daddy issues and has been busy notching up her bedpost. Anyway, it was shown to me because I am one of very few women where I work, try to be super kind, and am liked and respected enough that they thought I should know. The guys that saw the video didn't come by this decision easily, it took a couple weeks. I am so thankful for them having my back even though it hurts and I don't think they are judging me although they might if I let it slide.

I am sure I am somewhat to blame because I've been a little distant lately, I just can't get over his addiction to social media and the fact he falls asleep on the couch every night scrolling through his phone. He doesn't really join in the evening chores, dinner or anything, then gets mad because I don't wake him up when I go to bed. He literally drives down the road scrolling through Facebook, I just don't get it.  One of the reasons I was so angry about him spending time with this woman is that I was shocked he put down his phone for so long.

I am going to wait for the results to come in before I do anything, hopefully that will be tomorrow, other wise it won't be until next week. At first I wanted to pack his **** and drop it off at her house but I think I need a better plan, possibly talk to a counselor on my own and maybe a few attorneys too.  What really has surprised me is that I haven't shed a single tear about this whole thing.  Maybe it's coming, who knows? 

I really appreciate all the responses and support, thank you so much!

I agree I know a couple of people whose parents got divorced after their children were adults I think it was harder on their children then. They took it really really hard & never got overit. Kids seem to bounce back.

Dont ever blame yourself for his infidelity. My ex tried to convince me it was my fault he had to stray because I wasnt the same woman he met blah blah blah... divorce me first then go get your willies...  cowards do it this way and then try to blame the wife. Just please dont blame yourself for his indiscretion. 

     Prayers ,hugs ,and good thoughts for you.I hope your test results come back with good news.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, my prayers are with you.  It's so hard to know what to do in a situation like this especially when children are involved.  I know when I was younger I had a long term like 4 yrs boyfriend cheat on me with a cough, cough friend... well vengeful younger me knew that he loved his cars the 86 Tbird died in '88 to bad it didn't have an oil gauge, just a dummy light. And the other car lets just say a well placed small holes in all 4 new eagle Goodyear tires will go flat in the same day @ different times. Now that I'm older with kids I honestly can't say what I would do, I would definitely make him sweat, but I would keep my cards very close to my vest and have all my ducks in a row, and think long and hard.  Me personally I don't think I could stay with someone that cheated, because of the respect issue. They don't respect you if they are willing to cheat on you.  He has risked everything you, your kids, his health, your health that tells me he doesn't respect himself either. Talk to a counselor, a good friend that you know will not run to him and tell what you are saying because that happens, learned that one the hard way, an attorney to see what your options are in your state. 

You will be in my prayers, be strong, pray, pray some more and you will come out stronger 

C 

I went thru a terrible divorce because of this same thing.  With alcohol thrown in for good measure.   I pray for you to have strength and a clear head to deal with it.   I tempered everything I WANTED to do with what I NEEDED to do for Chandler.  Chris and I may have ended up at a point of no return, but I tried so hard to not affect/damage his and Chan's relationship.   I hope your biopsy comes back good, and that you find the way that works for you to deal with all this. Please pm if you ever want to talk.  

Praying for you. I can’t imagjne dealing with a plate like that!

Some work it out, but as the others said and I totally agree with Bear’s thoughts, there is no excuse for cheating and being disrespected. I would definitely want answers, but remember that you have a video and don’t NEED to hear his explanations and excuses. You know what you know and his excuses aren’t going to change it.

As for the STD check, some take 3 months to appear in an antibody test. Some can take longer than that so I just had to throw that out there..make sure you follow up in at least 3 months preferably with a blood test.

YOU pave the path of your own future; don’t let him make the decisions for you. You’re not something that can be committed to one minute and betrayed the next. 

I wouldn’t suffer in silence, but since you have kids, I wouldn’t play all your cards yet. Definitely document anything and everything. If you leave, have a plan.

Hugs to you; I pray your biopsy comes out okay!

ETA: if you have questions about some of what I’m talking about, you can PM me. Figured I wouldn’t give everyone on here a sex-ed lesson 

I just want to know where and how you got the videos. 

I hate a cheater. Dirty lying scum who has zero respect for themsleves, their kids or their spouse.

Sorry you are going thru all of this! Repect yourself and maybe find someone who respects you back.

Never your fault... if someone is unhappy and wants to see others, they need to man up and say it. You being distant isnt an excuse. So many people dont want to be along these days that they stack up plan a, b and c and they dont wanna man up for plan a and say they want to see others, divorce, etc because if b or c dont work then they're alone. Ugh its so sad and I keep seeing it over and over. 

I pray you have positive results. I pray you find the strength. Dont stay for the kids... i have a few friends parents who did that and they were impacted pretty negatively. Kids get more than we give them credit for. I pray the guilt does eat away at him. I think finding a counselor is a fantastic idea, you will need someone to talk this through. Counselor and a good attorney would be my first steps. Knowledge is power. 

As far as "sticking it out for the kids", that's never a good idea. Kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one. My parents separated when I was about 9 or so. I remember being relieved that they decided to split up because the fighting had gotten so bad that we all hated being around it. Kids pick up on stuff and will know that you're miserable and they don't want to live in an environment like that. Their home needs to be their safe place and if there's tension and resentment in the air, it's not healthy for them.

It's easier for kids to adapt to a "new normal" at a younger age than an older one. Waiting till they're 18 isn't good for anyone.

I also agree with this. Humans are not naturally monogamous, That is why women can have multiple children. That is why men can produce mass amounts of semen, and can reproduce throughout their entire lives. This is why we date and can have multiple partners. That is why divorce exists. That is why there is such a thing as temptation.  If we were naturally monogamous, we would have one partner, date one person, marry one person.. and if that person passed away or something happened to them.. then that would be it. It is survival that we are able to procreate and have multiple partners. There are very few animals in the world that are truly monogamous.. humans are not one of them. Monogamy is a very new concept for humans, due to societal norms.

I only say this because I have studied it, and I work with people every day that have these types of issues. That is not saying I do not believe in being married to one person, but I'd be a fool to say that temptations and attraction to others do not exist. 

When it comes to your situation, I would say you can confront him, give him the opportunity to fess up to his mistake, tell him you have proof.. and if he still doesn't fess up, show the video. You can give the option to do therapy to fix your marriage, and if he still denies, drop him like a bad habit. Because if you decide to stay with him and he hasn't told you the truth, your trust in him will be gone and your relationship will have little meaning afterward. I understand that you have children but you have to put yourself first in this situation. You cannot protect your children, because if they get older and you hide this secret when you finally tell them at an older age after you finally divorce him and tell him why chances are your kids will probably not believe you because they will remember the picture you painted for them. 

I wish you the best in your health situation! Good luck!

I am so sorry you are going through all this at once... that saying when it rains it pours is so true...  Take care of you.  You are wise to not just speak out of emotion but I have to say, IDK how you are doing it... I would have blown a nut already.    Leopards don't change their spots, once a cheater always a cheater.  just know that... the only true way to change his ways is to be brought to his knees through humbling from above... most never get that when they just look for the next flavor of the month.  I was married to a man that cheated... I tried hard to make it work, but he wouldn't quit... and honestly he got worse, so I got out.  Looking back I wish I had just let him go... it was a waste of emotion, effort and time.  Prayers for you girl... its not easy no matter what you choose... 

dont even try to blame yourself for his bad choices... THIS IS NOT ON YOU... no matter your distance to him, when someone is stuck in their phone, they have put enough distance to drive the other away, this is on him.. The man is "supposed" to be the leader of the house and he has FAILED your house.  

i am going to disagree with all of the posts that say make it work until your kids are 18, sorry that is ridiculas. That is NO reason to stay together, he cheated on you, you have heath issues, the kids will get over it and will be much happier without you two fighting all the time, its obvious that he is not happy so its time for you to move on and be happy yourself. 

So if I read this correctly this is not his first time, just his new piece?  If that is the case he isnt going to stop and is just gonna take advantage of the situation.  In my experience once a cheater always a cheater they just get better at hiding and not making the same mistakes.  I agree with everyone don't stay with him for the babies, yall are going to fight, you are going to be insecure and wonder what he is doing who he is with etc.  That will never go away and when he doesn't answer his phone you will wonder who he is in.  Sorry to be so vulgar but coming from an expirienced scored woman.  Don't drag the inevitable out for years just to figure out in the end you have wasted your precious time just to end up with him doing it over and over when he promises it was a mistake and wont happen again blah blah blah.

And to add, don't post anything on social media that you can't take back if you decide to stay and let famli and friends find out things they won't find nearly as easy to forgive and forget as you.  They won't want to look the other way at holidays and family gatherings.  I can not tell you how many times I have seen people blast there partner on facebook for cheating only to see a week later they are back together and in love. SMH

Humans arent meant to be monogamous.... I'm sorry but this sounds so silly to me.. what separates us from friggen animals?? Oh sorry honey, it's just not in my DNA to be a faithful spouse, to respect the vows we took in front of God and our families. That just sounds like a lousy excuse to me. I dont give a rip about scientific reasons why people cheat ... in my opinion they cheat because they are cheaters and have zero respect instilled in them for their partners or families. I know what yall are saying, I dont need a science lesson or see proof... My father passed away 12 years ago, tomorrow  to be exact.. my mother and he were high school sweethearts and married young, she, to this day hasn't been with anyone else nor will she ever. She says shes happy just being with family. I realize that shes probably the exception but still... it's just sad to me how disposable marriage is nowadays, divorce is rampant... what's the statistic lately?? Is it over 50% now of marriages will fail?  Infidelity is one thing I'd never forgive and forget just for the sake of saving a marriage and for the sake of kids. Nothing is sacred anymore! 

Yes yes yes to all what you just said....

Like others have said, please do not try sticking it out until the kids are older. My husbands parents got divorced when he was in his 20s, and in fact right before we were to get married. It blind sided him, truthfully no one saw it coming. I never felt like he got cold feet, but I did question if in his heart his mentality on marriage had changed. Felt like a 25+ year lie to him. 

I am sorry, but he should have thought of the kids before he went over to that womans house. 

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.  Please remember that you are a good person and you have done nothing to justify him treating you like this.  His lack of respect for you and the life you have built together is not okay.  You deserve a partner who supports you with his whole heart and helps you with the every day chores in life, not just the big struggles or celebrations.  If he can't be all in for your relationship all day every day maybe it is time for you to be all out.

Thinking of you today

I just had to reread this, this is just so freaking weird that someone can really believe this.. I have been married to the same man for 39 years now, so I guess I would be the weird one as 1000.00's of others in your studys..What ever happen to love and honor, the one you love, in sickness and health? This new generation really puzzles me..

I was with Chris for 18 years, married for 13.  I thought I'd never be with another man when I met him.   We had rough patches, but we had amazing times mostly.  Until the very end.   And that last night was like a horror movie. . . However, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and commitment and one man and woman in love til death-do-us-part.  (My parents have been married over 54 years, both sets of grandparents were married until my grandfathers died, so I have good role models!)

I understand how some marriages dont work out, it happens, you have a heart of Gold and Chris was a fool, but it happens, I'm so glad that you still have the faith and you have the family that you have. I just dont understand the thought that man or women dont have to be faithfull to the one they love, just blows my pea brain, lol.I dont know maybe I just read what DashNDustem wrote wrong, If I did I'm sorry.. When my dad died my mother never did see another man, she didnt want too either, there were a few men in her church that tryed thou..

The ability to override instinct IS what raises us above the other critters on earth. Or the desire to even try. 

It used to be, in almost all religions, that there were celebratory outlets for sexual energy. Many. Most. Christianity decided that sex was a sin and so came the idea of monogamy and celibacy being holy. 

I have been married twice. My first husband cheated on me multiple times and then tried to kill me by strangulation when confronted. I know a lot about all these subjects both from years of psychology, biology and theology study AND from first hand experience.

Bless your heart, Miss Lori.   

I;m so sorry that you went threw a horrible marriage, that is just so sad how one can turn on someone they loved or once loved. Theres just so many that should not get married and even be married, I have a sister in law that has been married to the same man for over 40 years, I dont know why because she had caught him so many different times with different women all threw out their marriage, she has never strayed, but shes so in love with him she just looks the other way..

The biggest takeaway that I am meaning is that if all else is good in a marriage that a one time slip may not mean the end. If a dude, or woman, can't ever keep their pants on (except with spouse or so) then that's a different issue. I do not believe 'once a cheater always a cheater.' I really don't. I've seen people grow up a lot in life. I've known people with terrible issues get past them and never return to their dark road. But I agree that most people do not mature and change. 

Even *if* humans can not be monogamous... and I do mean if, because I do not belive that it's still absoultly no excuse for the emotional pain of sneaking around, lieing and dishonesty. 

If you are in a open relationship, you are completely honest, your spouse knows everything. If that is what you want, and both agree all the power to you, but that's not what this is. This is cheating because of the lies and emotional pain, and there is no excuse for that. NONE. 

My ex cheated on me with a girl at his work.... they still work together. Hes had no less than 8 women in his life since we split. The last crazy one had a huge issue with the girl at his job, I know this because she told me herself... at one of my sons baseball games. She said she caught him in a lie he told her she didnt work there anymore when in fact she still did. So I see hes still up to lying ways ... itll never change. The only advice I offered this woman, was Good luck. I blocked her on all social media ... we arent buddies. Shes chooses to stay with him, that's on her I'm not going to be her ear to vent to! 

I was going to comment on this thread and have decided to keep quiet.  I am a 62 year old male and have been married to the wife for 37 years..  But I could tell you what goes on in the minds of most of the guys I have grown up with that have went thru a lot of divorces or affairs and why they happen.

I may be in the minority, but I'd love your input. . . 

I would love to hear it too, so please tell us Mr. BS

What a sad outlook on life, love and marriage.  

I do not expect others to see human nature as I do because it is all based on the way we were raised. My parents were married 24 years before they divorced due to personal reasons. My father has since remarried, and my mother has not. My grandparents were married for 67 years before my grandfather passed away, and my grandmother has not been with anyone since. However, to say that I am wrong.. that I don't believe in love or the sanctity of marriage, all I have to say is, you really don't know me that well. Because I was taught the importance of marriage and how make it work.

I waited 30 years to find my husband. I have been married one time and I am still married to that man. I knew the first moment I met him he was the man I was going to marry. We are loyal to each other, we make it worth even through the hard times. We enjoy and cherish the good times. We are supportive of one another. I am solely devoted to the love of my life.

That being said, I study human psychology and behavior for my job. I have 2 degrees geared toward studying human behavior. Society tells you that yes, you need to be in love with one person, be with that one person. But not everyone in the world has the same ideals as you and I do. That's why there are people out there who do some pretty messed up things. I work with a lot of those people, but the reason a lot of people step out of those boundaries of marriage is that they are often missing something in their marriage. Maybe they get into an argument or fight and they didn't like the reaction they got.. so next time there is a problem, they don't say anything, and then it grows. Whether it be a lack of communication, something that is stirring insecurity and fear, not getting the attention that 'they' feel they need. Naturally, humans have "set" needs in order for them to be mentally and physically safe, emotionally loved, and engaged and that is after thousands of years of natural development. 

It has nothing to do with my 'generation,' because I have to have an open mind and see all points of views.  I'm a realist, not a philanthropist. You may not like my view on things, but you don't have to.

And to the OP, I apologize as I am not trying to hijack your thread. I am just responding to other posts. 

OP- I am truly sorry to read that this has happened to you. As a child of divorce and infidelity, I want to give you my .02:

+ Step 1. Get your health business squared away. Do you have the resources to tackle a life-changing health issue on your own? Or do you need insurance from his side?

+ Step 2. Counseling for you by yourself. Your mental health is paramount. Right now, you are in the stages of grief. A professional can help you work through the emotions and allow you to make the best decisions for you and your child.

+ Step 3. Decide what type of life you want your child to grow up watching. Children, myself included growing up, watch everyone much more closely and imitate those behaviors more than you will ever know. What type of person do you want your child to be when they grow up and have their own relationships? Do you want them to have healthy, happy relationships or ones that are wrought with loss?

+ Step 4 (optional, if you're like me). Take your time and position yourself to remove yourself and your child from the situation. Work with an attorney, take everything you possibly can. Serve his a$$ some papers and work on building a better life and raising your child.

Good luck