I am asking for help and suggestions as well as some kind words. I was in a ten year long relationship with my oldest child's father. After ten years I found out that he was seeing someone else and using drugs. I woke up to my saddles etc "stolen"  my bank account drained etcI lost all my tack even my grandmas ear rings because he traded them to a local woman for cash to buy drugs .. so upon confronting him he beats me up pretty bad in front of my son.  We were both traumatized. I chose to move away and move on.  (With getting the restraining order my son and I left with nothing but the shirts in out back ) I met a man shortly after that and I guess I felt that him keeping me safe and finally the feeling of being loved was just what I needed. (Now I'm writing this on here because I feel like this is one of few places he will not check up on me.) we were married very shortly after and I got pregnant with my now 4 month old son. While I was pregnant he started to get very nasty and got a little physical with me. I thought I was provoking him but now I have learned from reading up on domestic violence that its a tactic him blaming me for instigating. He is so verbally abusive to my 9 year old son and physically and verbally towards myself. The baby he just doesn't help with at all. I have had enough and from the bruises to the hair that's ripped out of my head and more I need to get out. I can't call the police because he is very good friends with many of the highest up officers here in our small town.  I have contacted local centers for domestic violence but because its getting cold a lot of the homeless people in our area play the role to get the beds at the shelter.  (Its to a point i would rather be at a shelter than in this home ) my son goes to school so I can't go to one far away as he has had a hard enough time between his dad and everything else that has gone on . the poor kid can't even ride his horse because his father sold his saddle ?? the local farm where the 2 horses are has offered us free board in hopes that I can try to afford a hotel or something to get away but I have no one I have no option and I plain don't know  what to do can anyone suggest anything that I may be missing. This is not fair or safe for me or my children to be here and even the local domestic shelter can't help but put us on a wait list .. This is something that can't wait ! 

first,IM SO VERY SORRY....,do you have ANY family any where? Is this man a police officer? 

does your son have to stay in that area to see his father,or is there no contact with him.

Yes we have to stay here for visitation ??

I have no family at all really just an aunt in a retirement home 

Can you contact a church in your area for help? 

Like the previous post if you are or can find a church they might be able to help you. I have been in this situation before. I did not have children nor was I married so I didnt have that obstical facing me. However, when I finally left the situation I could not move where my family was because of work. I ended up moving in with a friend till I got back on my feet. Do you have any friends that are willing to take you and your children in? I pray that the Lord protect you and your children. Know that it will get better and try to stay stong and positive. Life does get better! Take care of you and your kiddos. 

Check to see if there is a womans shelter for abused woman in your area. I'm sure there has to be one somewhere close. I hate this for you. May God bless you & your children. I pray you find help & comfort soon 

If he hurts you again,go to the hospital and have it all documented.I would try help from a church ASAP. Do you work?Go get on assistance so you have money coming in to eat and maybe pay rent somewhere.DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET OUT,and protect the children.Many prayers for you and your children,I pray you get out safe

Please reach out to a local church for help to get away from the abusive situation; ask the church to help you look in to social programs that can help you financially -- and with a therapist so you do not end up with another abuser. Good luck to you -- don't give up - get out!

I'm not sure where you are located, but there are numerous shelters that assist women/families who are victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence. They are not only able to offer temporary shelter, but have programs to help with the mental trauma you have be subjected too. Many of them take in families. 

Edited to add: never let the abuser know any plans if you are planning on leaving...it will only result in more physical violence, that could be potentially fatal. 

I am so sorry for you; I cannot imagine not having my family if I was in this situation. . . It makes me count them as 10 times blessings. . . I am sending up prayers for you and your children for peace and protection from His most merciful hands.  I absolutely agree with a local church.   Our town is very small, but I know the churches here help in much less "needful" situations, so surely one close to you can help you.  Please keep posting on here so we know you're ok and how you're progressing.

Yes I do go to work generally he accounts for all my money. unless I am going to the store or somewhere . that is a great idea to try my church I never thought of that he also doesn't attend with me so maybe that will be a good step. My biggest fear is that while I try to save up enough to get out I will end up hurt worse. 

What you describe is extraordinarily dangerous!  Load your kids in the car, sell the horses, clean out the bank accounts and LEAVE.   If you have the strength to absorb this kind of violence you also have the strength to remedy it. May not seem so at the present, but you will discover that you do.   Please take care of yourself!?? Your kids need you desperately - healthy you, mind, body, and spirit; and the WORLD  needs women like you, all of us, to stand up athwart and say, "NO MORE!"

Since you work can you set up an secret account to put money away that he wont find or have access to? That way he can't take the money. Remember, he is going to pull out all the stops to try to get you back. Thats what happened to me. You have to be strong and not fall for his manipulation. Its amazing how some people can be when they are abusive. If you are still living with him and he gets physical call the cops. In my sistuation he told me if I called the cops I would not be alive when they got there. Has it ever gotten to that point? If it has you need to pack up the kids and leave everything behind. I still have stuff, childhood memories at that old place and Ill never see it again. However, my life is amzing now and those are just things. Sometimes I think about them and get sad or angery about it but I am gratful that I got out of that abusive situation. Prayers coming your way!

This post just hurts my heart. I'm so very sorry you're in this situation. If there are no local women's shelters, try to find a local church that can assist asap. Or can you contact/go into say a state troopers station or county station instead of the local police station that this guys knows people at? 

Prayers for you and your sons! If you have ANY means to leave immediately please PLEASE do as as what you're describing is extremely concerning. And please update us that you all are safe as you can! 

Is your work place affiliated with a credit union? If yes, you can set up a credit union account and have a deduction autoomatically made from each pay check to go into that account.....automatic savings. 

Deinitely set up another account to have it automatically withdrawn from your paycheck into that. Have you confided in anyone? Coworkers? 

Check in with the church, maybe even talk to the family that owns the barn the horses are at if you feel that they are trustworthy people. go to thehospital and get this documented if he does this again. The more you have on him the better.

SO sorry you are going through this. 

Modorcam,

I sent you a PM. First of all thank you for reaching out to the board-it takes courge to reach out. We are all here to help one another. Hugs for being a strong momma. 

https://www.nyscadv.org/find-help/program-directory.html

Take the money that you are supposed to be paying for horse board and put it into an account he knows nothing about.  Have it automatically deducted from your check and tell the farm (so they can back you up if he asks) and your husband the farm went to that form of payment. 

I'm sorry you are in a tough spot.  But there are tons of us on here who'd be willing to help.  Get in the car and drive. The horses may need sold, but you and your kids are most important here. 

This is the number for the National Domestic Violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Call them and they can help you, if your afraid to contact someone in your area they will connect you outside your area with someone who can help you  

I'm not sure if you want to put your location on here, but maybe a board member is close to you and can help? 

I'm sorry you're going through this! Good thoughts for you and your 2 kids. I hope you find the exit and help you need. 

First off, BE VERY CAREFUL.  If he has any idea you are thinking of leaving, he will get more & more dangerous.  Men like this do not have a "stop" button.  They are nice, kind, friendly until they get you caught in their web - extremely controlling & it's all "your" fault, since "you made him do it".  I highly recommend finding a domestic violence group/office in your area to help you.  He will do ANYTHING or hurt ANYONE to get to you -including your horses.  (hopefully where you board they have security in case he tries to sneak in there & kill your horses or harm them).  Having a direct deposit from your paycheck can be very dangerous also if he sees your pay stubs since it WILL show on there.  Does he give you the $$ to pay your horses' board or does he do it himself?  But don't let not having the funds available be the only thing to stop you from getting help & getting out.  Churches & the DV groups WILL help & help support you.  He WILL come after you - so you need to be very well hidden or get out of dodge completely!  (you can set up visitation for your older child in due time).  He is dangerous & you NEED to be extremely careful and have solid help!  PLEASE be careful!!!!

Modorcam, it's been a few days since we've heard from you....I sure hope and pray you're doing ok!

I hope she keeps us updated as often as she can so we know she's ok. . . 

First, when you get a chance call 211. It is a national hotline that will be able to provide you with a resource in your area that you can retreat to, whether it is an inpatient facility, therapist, etc. You will want to look into a possibility of a case manager as well, case managers are trained to provide resources in the area including therapist, shelters etc.

I would NOT send your son to his father, your son will probably require therapy as well as your youngest. Children are exceptionally impressionable and if he has witnessed the violence there is a chance he may develop those tendencies as a young man.. because that is what he learned from his dad. Chances are also if these men were abusive to you, chances are they were abusive to your children as well when you were not around (or even if you were). 

If you have a friend you can stay with, do it. You say you cannot call the police, I understand that they are your  husbands friends, maybe you can request a female officer instead of a male. Technically there are police officers out there that do have training for this type of situation. If you can, physically WALK into a police station and ask if they have a victims unit. Fear is a big thing that DV abusers rely on. They beat you down emotionally so you will not go to the police. They threaten you, because in the human mind, our most innate instinct is to SURVIVE. So in your mind if you go to the police, it is threatened you and your child's existence, so you stay silent and under his thumb. If you could find the courage, go the the police station. Take a friend with you for emotional support if possible. 

Check with the sheriff’s department. They should know where a shelter is or who to contact. Even smaller towns have some type of shelter. This is not good for any of you. Someone at church may have a rent house or something that you can move into but get out. Prayers for your safety

Bump....hope you're doing alright, modorcam